Breaking Media, Politicians & Celebrities Since 1995

GOOD news for the hard of seeing as Britney Spears engages in phone sex with her former husband Mr Kevin Federline, aka K-Ferret.

The Enquirer reports of “titillating chatter, phone calls and Britney’s “soft spot for sex”.

And K-Federline is quite the phone sex stud, being what one source calls “long-winded”. He can “go on forever”.

K-Ferret is a regular orator with call minutes to burn a phone plan that demands action.

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THE grim news in the National Enquirer is that Angelina Jolie has “suffered a shocking FALL!”

The still worse news is found on the cover of Grazia, and it is that Angelina’s new “baby” is worth £4million. What fears that the child will struggle to feed and clothe itself high in the Hollywood Hills?

Dealing with each shock in turn, the Enquirer can confirm that Angelina fell over in a room and was left “tearful, weak and panic-stricken” (see A Mighty Heart).

As luck would have it, the medical team that accompany Angelina (a doctor and nurse expert in giant panda reproduction and celebrity births) made sure the babies were alright.

Both embryonic girls are said to be fine, but Grazia says only one of them is worth £4million, so invoking a princess and the pauper scenario that should have all the planet gripped.

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FRITZL Watch: Anorak’s look at Josef Fritzl, Elisabeth Fritzl, Nazis and assorted Frtizls in the news.

THE SUN: “Fritzl-STEIN”

CELLAR monster Josef Fritzl was branded “Dr Frankenstein” last night as psychiatrists began tests to determine whether he is mad.

Dr Frankenstein, the Swiss Germanic character conjured by the mind of an English novelist?

Top psychiatrist Dr Christian Ludke rejected that claim, saying: “The criminal energy of this man is unbelievable. He is ice-cold and is still playing power games. We can only separate him from society.”

Dr Ludke compared Fritzl to the fictional Dr Frankenstein, who created a monster he thought he could control.

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Milk fed…

A CLACK of marmalade-coated tongues as Mail readers learn: “Bodies of two babies hidden in a box for 50 years were mistaken for Christmas decorations.”

It’s 1956, Winifred Atwell is No. 1 in the hit parade. Egypt seizes the Suez Canal and rationing has only been a few years gone.

Tough times. And just how tough we can deduce from the aforesaid headline, as dead babies are used as Christmas decorations.

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DO different nation’s see colours and design differently? It’s something the Anorak thinks of whenever he sees hideous German football kits.

Here’s a picture of a new statue that’s been erected in a Russian city. Could it ever happen here? 

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THE football season is over at last, and the Wag season can begin in earnest.

Although the summer streets of Vienna will not be echoing to the lilting cackle of England’s First XI on a meet and greet for Euro 2008, Joanna Taylor, Wag to her footballer Danny Murphy, is making do.

“I was so proud of Danny on Sunday and not just because of his performance on the pitch,” says Joanna, cradling a ball under her arm in the Sun.

Danny scored for Fulham, thus enabling the Cottagers to remain in the Premier League, and sparing Joanna lunch with women who live in Hull, Ipswich and Preston.

“The previous day Danny had also played a blinder at home by being a brilliant husband and a caring dad.”

It turns out that Joanna and her footballer’s daughter, Mya, was ill with a virus. She is now much better, thank you.

Danny is a “hands-on dad”. Danny is mad about his son, from a pervious relationship. Danny stayed “strong for me” after two IVF attempts at pregnancy.

Nice one, Danny.

And he gives us an idea. The Premier League is a carve up between the richest teams and their richer owners. English football needs shaking up.

So here is Anorak’s new Premier League’s Got Talent, in which players and Wags step forward to say why they should win.

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CHERIE Blair has a new book out.

Speaking for Myself, her follow up to Speaking For My Husband, Speaking For Suicide and Bingo! is being read by the columnists.

Those Cherie Blair recommendations in full:

Fergus Shanahan (SUN): “Revenge of the grasping Mrs B”

(Picture: Beau Bo D’Or Website)

Daily Star phone poll: “IS CHERIE A MONEY GRABBING WITCH?”

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CELEBRITY Big Brother is set for a “sensational comeback”.

So says the Sun.

Happy days for all of us who enjoy watching frontline bigotry on the telly.

And Anorak can exclusively reveal that the new house will be a real house, in which the inhabitants will be invited to pay the bills, make repairs and arrange a mortgage.

And with responsibility comes the right to vote.

Sadly, it’s too late for the recent local elections of course, and the Big Brother bigots have missed out on a block vote for the BNP.

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LAST seen lumbering from the sea in images not seen since Saving Private Ryan, Jeanette Rooney, mother to Wayne Rooney (footballer), is in the Mail once again.

The new Jeanette is seven stone lighter then the old Jeanette, slimed down in time for her son’s wedding to Coleen McLoughlin.

To the untrained eye Jeanette look just fine, but how does he feel?

The Mail invites a Dr Alex Karadis, a plastic surgeon billed as “leading”, to appraise Jeanette.

The skin around her arms is “ragged and loose”. She could do “more to improve her FACE”. The skin is “really saggy and lined”.

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AS ever the Daily Express presents a holistic approach to the day’s news, the actual stories and facts being less then the whole effect.

The masthead delivers the fact that the Express costs 40p, which may be showing off. Express readers may care to furl their newspaper in such a manner that the label shows uppermost, so giving readers of cheaper newspapers a glimpse of luxury.

But still the Express must concede that the Mail is 10p cheaper, making it reassuringly expensive. However, the Mail remains “ten times” worse than the Express, thus making it look all the more desirable to fashionable newspaper readers.

Good on the Express not to let petty rivalries stand in the way of true reporting.

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MADDIE WATCH - Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann 

THE SUN: “So sad on Maddie’s birthday”

THE parents of missing Maddie McCann held a “low-key” party yesterday on her fifth birthday. Kate and Gerry McCann decided it must go ahead for the sake of their three-year-old twins Amelie and Sean.

And then tell the world about it.

Says McCanns’ spokesman Clarence Mitchell: “Obviously, without Madeleine home yet, this is sadly just another day without her in many respects. Of course they marked her fifth birthday, as much for Sean and Amelie’s benefit as anything else, but they did it privately within the family.”

How long before we are watching Sean and Amelie?

DAILY STAR: “MADDIE BIRTHDAY.. NO CAKE, NO CARDS”

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