Anorak

Key Posts | Anorak - Part 213

Key Posts Category

Madeleine McCann: Introducing Amelie, Celebrity Kate And Xmas Marks The Spot

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

THE PEOPLE: “KATE: I KNOW OUR MADDIE IS ALIVE -EXCLUSIVE New worldwide appeal as McCanns face second heartbreak Xmas Star gives TV backing

Little news of Our Maddie, the missing child who is still missing. But Christmas is approaching, another landmark.

Writes Tracey Kandohla:

Missing Madeleine McCann’s mum Kate remains certain she is still alive – and plans a worldwide appeal at Christmas for help in finding the tot.

Merry Christmas, everyone! It’s panto season:

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 1st, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (94)


Robert Fisk Leaves Indy To Write For The Daily Star

ROBERT Fisk writes for the Daily Star:

MODEL agencies are turning down sexy Miss England Laura Coleman because she is too fat. The blonde has gone up a dress size to a perfect 10. But Laura, who will take part in Miss World in South Africa next month, has found most agencies have a problem with her new curves.

That’s Laura, the reason why Fisk no long covers Middle East politics.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 30th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (3)


The Boob Job Piggy Bank

THE Boob Job piggy bank is great.

Girls can save up and when they’ve got enough money, use some glue and attach the boob bank to their chest.

The Boob Job piggy bank is rock hard, so just like a genuine fake breast.

Your friends and punters will never be able to tell the difference!

Spotter, Via and here.

Posted: 30th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comments (4)


Keep It Civil: Amy Winehouse’s Star-Boxed Lover Leaves Her High And Dry

BLAKE Fielder Civil confesses that it was he who got England’s sickly-sweet-smelling Amy Winehouse into drugs. The couple are past their dancing days, and this is the end:

“I dragged Amy into it and without me there is no doubt that she would never have gone down that road. I ruined something beautiful. Now I have to let her go to save her life. I am not abandoning her. I am doing this out of love.”

He loves her enough to let her go. That’s love. It’s like a modern day Romeo and Juliet with dirtier fingernails. Get this from Blaaaaaake – oh, tempt not a desperate man:

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 30th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (9)


The Shannon Matthews Christmas Gift Range

HEY, Kids. With Christmas approaching faster than a Somalian pirate with a bad case of the trots, Anorak has produced some T-shirts.

A real Anorak Bazaar will soon appear in the gigantic online shopping mall, but to whet your appetite we’ve produced some new T-shirts.

All T-shirts cost £19.00 or $1.

Yo-Ho-Ho. It’s off to the shops we go!

I’d run over my mother to get an Anorak T-shirt” – US shoppers collective.

NEW IN – The Shannon Matthews Doll and Money Box

It’s a dolly! It’s a money box!! It’s a bed warmer!!!

The Shannon Matthews Doll can be whatever you want it to be – but it can never be lost! Attaches to the bed, wall or attic with stretchy elastic, allegedly.

Collect by car.

Posted: 30th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (5)


Sadistic Police Give Freezing Cold Drunk Women Flip-Flops

IN Devon women are being handed flip-flops by police in large black boots. It’s a woman’s right to shoes, says the Mail:

Drunk women who stagger about in high heels are to be protected – at public expense – from twisting their ankles. They will be handed flip-flops to wear by police outside nightclubs as they wend their way home. The scheme is part of a £30,000 drive by police and councillors to prevent ‘alcohol-related harm’.

It’s sub-zero in Devon. And the local police – sadists – are giving girls in miniskirts flip flops.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 29th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (13)


The UK Really Is A Police State

DAMIAN Green is arrested – well, if you arrest the Opposition, you’re bound to win an election.

The civil servant at the heart of a Whitehall leak investigation was in hiding last night as a political storm raged over the arrest of the Tory frontbencher Damian Green.

Hiding from whom? (Image Beau Bo D’Or Website)

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 29th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (5)


Nicolas Sarkozy Feels A Little Prick

ONE of the more marketable things about Nicolas Sarkozy is that he is pocket sized. And this is good news for voodoo practitioners, who have fashioned a life-size replica of the French President.

One proviso to sale is that the voodoo dolls should carry a label saying they are offensive to him, rules the French judiciary.

How the stuffers of the Petit Sarkozy must rejoice at that, a badge of dishonour from the Beaks should multiply sales.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 29th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (2)


Mumbai’s British Terrorists Engage In Citizen Journalism

“ARE they British?” asks the Telegraph, lens focused on an image of two on the men behind the Mumbai massacre?

“Gang used Blackberrys to monitor reaction in the British press.”

One wonders what press reaction the murderous expect? Are we to hear from their spokesman saying that the Daily Express has always been dead set against them and that the Sun’s Page 3 “News in Briefs” is Islamophobic?

“How can the Daily Mail lead with news of Damian Green?” asks an incredulous mass murderer. “What the f*** is the world coming to?”

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 29th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (4)


Damian Green Round Up: The Martyr, The Clunking Fist And The End Of The Commons

DAMIAN GREEN MP, the shadow immigration minister, has been arrested at his constituency home in East Kent. He was arrested for “aiding and abetting misconduct in public office”.

His “crime” is the obtaining of leaked Whitehall documents and for “aiding and abetting misconduct in public office”.

It is an act worthy of Robert Mugabe, or Stalin, a police state.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 28th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (8)


A Father’s Pop-Pee For Baby P

ANYONE not shocked and sickened by the death of Baby P, and who may be having trouble being shocked and sickened by the torture of a small child, can look through any number of newspaper articles to learn how shocked and sickened columnists are.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 28th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (10)


Sheffield Rapist: Britain’s Josef Fritzl Is A Uniquely British Crime

HAVING been told that Josef Fritzl’s crimes could only happen in Austria, Ben Macintyre tells Times readers that the Sheffield man who made his two daughters pregnant 19 times – Britain’s Fritzl – is essentially a tale of Britishness.

The man had “an acute understanding of how modern British society can sometimes fail to see the most glaring crimes”.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 27th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (8)


The Waterproof Guide To Scuba Sex

SCUBA diving sex. A how and when guide:

COUPLES often write into his column, asking for advice about how to have sex while scuba diving. Basically, although popular, scuba sex is not recommended. Potential problems include the inhalation of water droplets in horizontal positions (which can lead to chocking), keeping cumbersome equipment in the vertical position, losing buoyancy control when excited, and being unaware of the increased oxygen consumption required.

Stage 2:

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 27th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (4)


Daily Mirror Backs Conservative’s Slug Eating Campaign

BRIAN Reade, writing in the Mirror, says he “loves it when a Nice-But-Dim Tory reveals himself to be the kind of animal we always knew he was. One with the heart of a wolf and the brain of a slug.

“Take health spokesman Andrew Lansley who believes recession can be good for people because they will eat less.”

Reads muses: “If only the Tories had been around in 1845 when the Irish potato famine started…”

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 27th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (2)


Madeleine McCann: Baby P And Me

MADELEINE MCCANN & Baby P: What Did You Do For Them, Daddy?

The mawkish reaction to Baby P’s horrific life and death has turned into an ‘I was there moment’.

Up and down the land young faces are turning to parents and guardians and asking: “What did you do for Baby, P?”

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 26th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (79)


I’m A Celebrity: Mallett Snookered By McLean

TIMMY Mallett has been “HAMMERED” by his wife (Sun) and then “Bashed” (Star) by Nicola and Carly.

First up to have a go at Mallett is Mrs Lynda Mallet, who says of her man in the day-glo shorts, “He’s an annoying git.”

And it’s hard not to like him for it as Timmy laughs long and too loud at Robert Kilroy-Silk, a man who if he was half as fascinating to others as he is to himself would be stood in a glass box at the British Museum.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 25th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (6)


Pre-Budget Report: Darling Brings Us In From The Arctic Monkeys

CAN Britons civil servants and public sector workers buy enough HD-ready televisions to bring the country back from the gaping maw of depression?

Gordon Brown says yes, adding:  

“With any luck a pre-budget report will provide more work for the key public sector demographic. If it works, we’ll be looking to introduce a pre-pre budget report and push on from there to a concerted pre-pre-pre budget report and, paper willing, a pre-pre-pre-pre budget report.” 

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 25th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comments (7)


Fire At Will: British Police Get Stun Gun Tasers

NEWS on the wires that police officers will be given 10,000 Taser stun guns. They’re regulation issue.

Specially trained officers will be able to use the 50,000-volt weapons when faced with the threat of serious violence, says the Home Office.

Good news, then, for the police. Stick a magnet on the end and when deployed the wires glue the perp’s knife and make him dance like a demented John Sergeant.

But not everyone is happy.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 24th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (5)


A Good Stuffing: Gordon Ramsay’s Naked Lunch

THAT’S panicky TV chef Gordon Ramsay on the front page of the Sun (“Don’t mention the F-word”), Mail, Mirror (“IN THE SOUP”) and Star (“Becks saves Gord”).

Is the F-word football? Is Ramsay teaming up with the Beckhams on Celebrity Soup Kitchen, in which celebrities try to survive in a suburban shopping precinct, enduring a series of Borough Tucker Challenges, such as eating kebab remnants and bin diving for used condoms?

The Mail clears up the confusion by its prosaic headline: “’Family man’ Gordon Ramsay is accused of seven-year affair.” Yeah, the f is for “f*****g, a thought that is never too far from Ramsay’s lips.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 24th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


Nebraska’s Butt Bandit Comes To A Sticky End

TO Nebraska, where the Butt Bandit has been tracked down. The actions of a “lone deviant” are at an, er, end.

As reported:

Since spring 2007, imprints of an individual’s naked behind – created with lotion or petroleum jelly – have been appearing on windows of businesses in Valentine, Cherry County.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 23rd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (5)


Gordon Brown Reacts As Sarah Palin Boost Turkey Sales

SARAH Palin gets to see Turkey from her house, and the press gobbles it up.

The LA Times wonders if the birds can be killed after they’ve died. And Americans choke on their murder burgers and go mad for vegetarianism:

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 23rd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comment (1)


NBC Cancels Global Warming

WHO knew that global warming could just be cancelled, it being, after all, a media phenomena:

NBC Universal made the first of potentially several rounds of staffing cuts at The Weather Channel (TWC) on Wednesday, axing the entire staff of the “Forecast Earth” environmental program during the middle of NBC’s “Green Week,” as well as several on-camera meteorologists.

A cold wind.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 23rd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (2)


The BNP List Is A Dead Loss

THAT leaked list of BNP members continues to make headlines.

The Sun leads with the news, “Palace pair are in BNP”. This is illustrated by a picture of not the dear old Queen Mum, but Her Majesty.

Inside, the members are revealed to be HRH “storeman Paul Murray and a retired porter”.

As a source tells the paper:

“Although his [Murray] name is on the list he has told us that it is only on there because he was invited to a social event that he did not attend.”

Also on the list is a Talk Sport Radio DJ called Rod Lucas. He says he joined up for “journalist research”.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 23rd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (53)


Baby P: Like Diana’s Death, I Was There

TO the Sun the story of Baby P is being told in numbers and gestures.

The big news is that 700,000 people have signed its cut-out-and-send petition that calls for members of Haringey social service and medical staff to be sacked.

At the cemetery where Baby P’s ashes are scattered, the Sun has erected a plaque to “BABY P”. It’s a land grab for readers’ hearts and minds.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 23rd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (13)


Sarah Palin Shows Gordon Ramsay How Meat Is Murder

SARAH Palin shows the US that the turkey on their plate was once alive and full of blood and brains.

The US rears between 250million and 300million turkey for laughter each year.

And in the LA Times strict vegan Elizabeth Snead notes:

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin pardons Tom the Turkey, then blabbles on, making little to no sense (as usual), while talking turkey and politics to a news crew. What she does not know is that at least two helpless turkeys are being slaughtered alive in the background, their legs wiggling as their heads are stuffed into a grinder by a smiling camera-hog executioner.

Nice to see someone who enjoys their work, huh?

Slaughtered alive. The swine! Can’t the killers wait for the birds to die in their sleep and then kill them?

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 22nd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (10)