Thin Lady Speaks

‘NUSH is up for eviction tomorrow – which would of course have absolutely nothing to do with why she has picked now to declare her love for Scott, telling him she wants them to stay together for ever.

‘It’s not

Class Must Out

‘ENGLAND’S cricket selectors will announce the squad to face the South Africans in the first Test of the five-match series next week.

Goughie stakes his claim

And the big question will be whether there is room for two of the …

Brief Encounter

”I WANT to be with you for ever.’ That’s what the Star hears Big Brother’s Nush say to Big Brother’s Scott last night.

‘Is this your prostate, Scott?’

If this was America, you’d expect the two to plunge naked into …

Giving Nature A Hand

‘SINCE this article is on the Internet, anyone reading it is a pervert. What the Mail has long believed is now fact in the Mirror.

Wanker

But worry not, because news is that frequent masturbation can reduce a man’s risk …

Righting Rons

‘YOU can’t have helped but notice that the face of fast food has been changing.

Mr Yamasoto, seconds before his untimely death

Mr Wimpy, who looked like Nigel Lawson before he lost weight, now looks like him after his crash …

Country Life

‘DISAPPEARING sparrows, cockatiels who whistle the 1812 Overture, a north-south ornithological divide…the papers have been full of bird stories in recent weeks.

‘It’s a lovely area, but the property prices are ridiculous’

And this morning the Telegraph has more news …

Sues You, Sir

‘IT can only be a matter of time before the TV companies start receiving compensation claims from viewers distraught at the footage they saw of the war in Iraq.

‘Push an apple, shake the tree…’

After all, everyone is claiming …

Polls Apart

‘YESTERDAY, the 147th US soldier was killed in Iraq, equal to the total US casualties in the first Gulf War.

A two-headed monster

And, with the Guardian estimating that the continuing occupation of the country is costing British taxpayers £5m …

Biggins & Drip

‘CAMERON and Nush. Nush and Cameron. Biggins and Drip. Drip and Biggins.

Damp or camp?

Whichever way you write it, the two housemates up for eviction this week fail to inspire. It was the best of Nush, it was the …

Lessons In Love

‘ENGLISH teachers who want a job abroad are hereby directed towards an advert in a Romanian newspaper.

In looking for an English tutor for his child, a Romanian man has placed an advertisement in his local rag that reads: ‘Married …

Kiss Of Death

‘PATRICK Vieira has been a good player for Arsenal. He’s been given the captain’s armband of late and has relished the experience.

Vieira winces at the propect of leaving his beloved Arsenal

And now he says that unless his employers …

Well, He Was Just 17

”WELL, he was just 17, and, you know what we mean, the way he looked, you’d have thought that he was nine.’ Yeah!

‘Well, it was about as big as my thumb…’

Wow! This girl Jordan can really sing. Who …

Not Big, Not Clever

‘GETTING what the Express terms ‘filth’ off the magic box is a worthy campaign.

‘I mean darnation, old boy…’

But for every Angus Deayton – a man who has kept his nose clean and is now making a return to …

Dirty Diana

‘IT’S been an oversight that has passed under the snouts of the press for too long: just how good was Princess Di in bed?

Demented female on the loose

What her favoured location for coitus was we can only guess …

A & E-By-Gum

‘GOOD news – hospital services are improving. Bad news – you can’t get there to find out.

‘These plastic dummies are buggers to resuscitate’

That’s the message on the front of the Times, which looks at the first independent audit …

Song For Whoever

‘WANTED: A Tchaikovsky-loving, insomniac, bird enthusiast who has recently lost a cockatiel in the Sunderland area.

And introducing, on percussion…

You wouldn’t have thought there were many people meeting the above description, but for James and Elaine Redhead one cannot …

In A Spin

‘WHEN Michelangelo crafted his 14ft high masterpiece, the statue of David, almost exactly 500 years ago, he omitted one very vital thing.

Another cold day in Florence

No, not a bigger willy, although it is true that David could use …

20-20 Vision

‘CHELSEA have agreed a £7m deal to take Wayne Bridge from Southampton to Stamford Bridge. That’s in the Sun, and in the Mirror, the Blues have just bid £20m to make Patrick Vieira another Chelsea player.

Tiger keeps crowds at

Roll Call

‘THE Express watches Zoe Gosling get ready for school. She’s packing her bag with all the things she needs: pen, pencil, rubber (ribbed and Tizer-flavour), lighter, toilet roll…

Zoe models her new school uniform

Yes, that’s right. Pupils at Ghyllgrove …

House Arrest

‘THINK back to a time when Big Brother was not the worst thing ever shown on British TV. Remember that large pink blob. No, not Vanessa, think further back than even her.

An early version of Vanessa Feltz

Yes, it’s …

Double Gs

‘THE Sun says that Gareth Gates, the stammering rap artist, did sleep with Jordan, the glamour mod-el.

Water levels drop across Europe

Turning her 32FFs into 32-F-F-F-F-Fs, the paper says that the singer hooked up with then pregnant Jordan after …

A Real Ball-Breaker

‘WHEN most burglars break into a house they don’t believe their escapade will leave their testicles impaled on a broken window in the victim’s bathroom.

It’s what happened to a man in Crowthorne, Berkshire. When the man screamed he was …

Pasta Masters

‘LASAGNE is as Italian as blokes pinching girls’ bottoms, footballers diving for penalties and politicians insulting the Germans. Or is it?

The centre of Huddersfield

A report in this morning’s Telegraph suggests that it is, in fact, a British dish. …

eBay Of Pigs

‘WHAT is the difference between President Kennedy’s boxer shorts and President Bush’s head? There’s a lot more going on in one than the other.

‘Whoops! I think I might have followed through there…’

But there is also an important similarity …

Pearly White House

‘WE all know that Government ministers have expensive tastes in wallpaper. Well, it looks like they’re not much into cheap toilet bags either.

Tony treasured his birthday card from George

When Tony was looking for a present to give his …