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The greatest Daily Mail story ever: bullshit.com strikes gold

THE ultimate Daily Mail story:

 

Posted: 19th, November 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (9)


Chantelle Houghton tears Alex Reid a new hole on Twitter

ONE of the more uncomfortable relationships to clutter up the gossip columns has been that of Alex Reid and Chantelle Houghton. Basically, she’s rather dim but sweet and Alex Reid is… well… a professional Thing To Occupy Some Space. Reid had Katie Price, showed himself off to be a cross-dresser and won some reality shows.

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Posted: 30th, October 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Chantelle Houghton is dying to talk to her Dolly

CHANTELLE Houghton showcases Baby Dolly to the greater OK! readership and tells us:

“I always say to her: ‘We’re best mates, Dolly!’ And she gives me the nod.”

And then she falls faces first into her mushed up banana.

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Posted: 5th, September 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Rav Wilding tweets: Chantelle Houghton is ‘fame hungry tramp’

TWITER Troll alert!  Send for the Sweeney, aka The Tweety. No tweet is too small for the boys in blue to investigate. As BBC TV’s in-house ex-copper Rav Wilding announces his engament to Loose Women producer Jill Morgan, ex-love and new mum Houghton tweets:

At a time when twitter bullying is at an all time high it’s a shame that rav being an expoliceman and someone ppl look up to should retweet

Rav had earlier retweeted this from sam coupe ‏@samalamaloo

nice to see pics of @ravwilding looking happy and engaged ..especially after all the drama with a certain fame hungry tramp last year 🙂

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Posted: 14th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Chantelle Houghton names baby Minnie, like Katie Price’s vagina

CHANTELLE Houghton cradles her “Mini-Me”, born on June 17, and tells OK! readers: “I love every single minute of being am um, it’s like nothing else matters.”

This is Chantelle who rose to fame as a fake star on Celebrity Big Brother (she won), where she assured the actual stars (e.g. Maggot and Faria Alam) that she was an actual VIP, swearing on her mother’s life that she was telling the truth. Chantelle’s ruthless ambition to be famous has been glossed with flashes of replaceable primary sexual characteristics (the first Chantelle doll will have body parts sold separately) and a neat line in vapidity: “You could be married and go to the baker’s because you’re feeling hungry — and then fall in love with the baker”; and “Alex was laughing at me earlier, because I thought the sun and the moon were the same thing. Turns out they’re not!”

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Posted: 27th, June 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Chantelle Houghton exposes the lying press in OK!

CHANTELLE Houghton points a strawberry towards her lips, turns her head toward the camera, flutters her eyelashes that are covered in the deep shag pile skins of dead bubble bees and tells OK! readers: “MY LIFE’S A TOTAL MESS, I want Alex to come back to me.” Inside, the mag we are told that Chantelle is mad about Alex and Alex is crazy about Chantelle. Phew! Chantelle just wants her Alex Reid to hurry up and come back from work.

OK! then spends its time exposes a naive and rubbish media that publishes unfounded celeb stories as fact to seduce slack-jawed readers.

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Posted: 9th, May 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Amy Willerton and Chantelle Houghton in Katie Price face-off

CHANTELLE Houghton says her winter wedding to Alex Reid is “OFF”. OK! is going big on Chantelle Houghton, that Katie Price lite who could pass for any one of hundreds of OK! stalwarts. Can OK! make Chantelle interesting? She’s mated in the celebrity Petrie Dish with Alex Reid, Katie Price’s ex.

Last week, OK! led with the news of Chantelle saying: “I’m scared I’ll die in childbirth.” The week before that Chantelle told us: “I’m so angry Alex sent secret message to Katie Price look alike” – a story that suggested Reid was now unable to pick out his lover from any number of women on the OK! circuit. One week prior to that, Chantelle was on the OK! cover worried that her baby could be brain damaged.

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Posted: 28th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Chantelle Houghton shocked at baby girl – was expecting chest of drawers

CHANTELLE Houghton tells OK! readers:

“I won’t let my daughter be left heartbroken like me”

This is:

“Pregnant Chantelle on being abandoned”

On page 39, we meet Chantelle. She is sat on a bed. On it lies a single red rose. She rests a hand on her tummy. Whipped hair tangles over her shoulders. The woman impregnated by Katie Price’s ex Alex Reid is here to slam the rumours the couple are “on the rocks”.

“When Chantell arrives on the shoot, her eyes are glistening with tears, ‘I’m having a girl…I can’t believe it.”

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Posted: 9th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


Chantelle Houghton Launches New Moon Glo Tanning Creams

CELEBRITY Quote of the week was supplied by Paris Hilton impersonator Chantelle Houghton, the newly pregnant lover to Katie Price’s estranged husband Alex Reid (try to keep up). Says Chantelle in OK! of her life with Reid:

“We don’t argue. There are no issues. Me and Alex are just like kids, two peas in a pod. He was laughing at me earlier because I thought the sun and the moon was the same thing. Turns out they’re not.”

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Posted: 18th, November 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Chantelle Houghton Is Pregnant By Alex Reid – But Does She Know How?

CHANTELLE Houghton is…11 weeks pregnant. To prove it Chantelle holds up a pregnancy test kit, allowing OK! readers to see that it has turned bright orange, indicating that either she has mated with an Oompah Loompah or else estranged Mr Katie Price Alex Reid is the daddy.

This is “amazing news“. This is her “miracle baby”, who will show those glow-in the dark-cats that the future is bright and children can come with night lights built in, thus saving mum and dad a few bob.

As Chantelle cradles her tummy, as all celebs mums must, she tells us that she will be “milking it”. Someone needs to have a word with the ambulatory Katie Price off-cut. You don’t milk them, they milk you. Mums do not suckle on the child’s teet unless they are a Kardashian.

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Posted: 18th, November 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Alex Reid And Chantelle Houghton Get Infected In The Celebrity Petri Dish

IN the celebrity Petri Dish, Alex Reid and Chantelle Houghton have met.

In OK!, the “reality couple” are on an “escape” in Portugal. What they are escaping from is unclear. We’d wager it’s chapped thighs, Peter Andre, hoodies and sharks.

Chantelle wants to yell us that she has a “low ovarian reserve“. She has only three years left to conceive.

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Posted: 31st, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Wayne Rooney Cleans The Streets: Manchester United Star Saves England From Rioters

WHO would be the best person to champion honesty and love for they neighbour? Why, mob victim and Manchester United footballer Wayne Rooney of course.

The front page of the Daily Star sees England saved by England’s saviour:

“ROONEY: RECLAIM OUR STREETS.”

Like the Manchester United star, Anorak was also dismayed to notice that not one – not one – looter went for the footballs in JD sports. The country has gone Olympics mad with the sprightly youth grabbing tracksuits and trainers. But while that is encouraging, we must lament that a football no longer carries cachet among the kids (see snooker cues, badminton bats and ping-pong tables).

Also, with so much mayhem on the streets, where is it safe for prostitutes to walk?

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Posted: 13th, August 2011 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment


Peta’s Chantelle Houghton Might Be Impotent: Some Grim Irony There

SAD news for Chantelle Houghton, who, as reported on PA, has been told that she has little chance of conceiving a baby naturally after years of extreme dieting.

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Posted: 18th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Chantelle Houghton Is Peta’s Dumb Animal Of The Month

CHANTELLE Houghton is still working for Peta and speaking for those dumb animals. The often leather-clad Big Brother star emeritus, with a penchant for huge Christmas tree-styled tampons and undergoing the surgeon’s knife (using anaesthetic tested on animals) demands that “wild animals” be banned in circuses.

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Posted: 7th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Epsom Derby 2011 Photos: Duchess Of Cambridge’s Works The Piggy Poo Hat

DERBY Day at Epsom Downs Racecourse. A chance, then, to see the horse and those horsey types braying a baying for the cash. Queen Elizabeth II was resplendent in pinks. But was she upstaged by the Duchess of Cambridge (aka Kate Middleton) and her piggy poo-style hat , the ubiquitous Tamara Eccelstone wearing her breasts as a pendant, Princess Beatrice and her panto sister Eugenie, and Chantelle Houghton, a woman who was piped into her dress and forgot to say “when”..?

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Chantelle Houghton arrives during the Investec Derby Festival, Epsom Downs Racecourse.

Posted: 4th, June 2011 | In: Sports | Comment


Chantelle Houghton: Leather Clad Model Wears Cabbages For Peta

CHANTELLE Houghton, once seen sporting a Christmas tree tampon (?) in a triumph of in –yer-face feminism , is now dressed as a cabbage for Peta.

Says Chantelle:

“A vegetarian diet gives me the energy I need to maintain my active lifestyle.”

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Posted: 24th, March 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Chantelle Houghton And Sam Preston: Cash Conquers All

REMEMBER how the gathering of taffeta, vegetable dyes and Katie Price’s off-cuts called Chantelle Houghton was going to get back with Samuel Preston; how Sam was looking for “integrity”; and how they were both looking for love but maybe not with each other, not just now?

Well, heat magazine says what many have been saying all along: rubbish!
A “source” says:

“They spoke on the phone several times before they went back in. They discussed how much they would be paid, and when Chantelle found out Preston was getting £40,000 she went back to the Channel 4 producers and demanded the same.”

They then, reportedly, scored a £120,000 deal with glossy to tell their story.
All nonsense, right?

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Posted: 6th, October 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Preston And Chantelle: It’s Over When OK! Says It Is

PRESTON and Chantelle Houghton: The most connived, contrived and made-for-tabloid love story in the history of connived love stories is now at an end. You can read the non-story so far here.

And in today’s OK! instalment you can hear:

Sam Preston: “It would be ridiculous to get back with her.”

Chantelle Preston Houghton: “He’s left me gutted and heart broken.”

What you might call empty.

Inside and Chantelle hugs her mum and says she still loves Preston; and Preston wonders why Chantelle doesn’t just call his instead of talking to OK! about calling him.

Says Preston in OK!

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Chantelle Houghton and friend are seen leaving Nobu in Mayfair and heading to the Funky Buddha in central London.

Posted: 29th, September 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Chantelle Houghton And Sam Preston: The Sex, Marriage And Kids

CHANTELLE Houghton says she can’t wait to get married and have Sam Preston’s children. Only, they aren’t dating just yet. They were planning a second honeymoon, without the sex (unless it was on the phone).

And then there is Preston’s girlfriend.

Maybe they can all hook up on party line and have a threesome for the telly “sex war”?

Ever since Big Bother ended, and Chantelle and Preston shared a roof in a TV studio, the Daily Star and OK! have been pushing them together. It began with a “24 Hour LOVE IN”.

And Preston and Chantelle have been willing celebs. In this week’s OK! they each give an interview on their made-for-tabloid will they / won’t they romance and each other.

Pages of puff and balls can be distilled into:

Chantelle: “… I’m really confused about everything…. I wanted to meet up with Preston but we haven’t had a chance yet.”

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Posted: 22nd, September 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Chantelle And Preston’s Made For TV Sex

CHANTELLE Houghton and Sam Preston are gearing up for a “TELLY SEX WAR” with Josie Gibson and John James Parton.

The Big Brother shag wars are front-page news on the Star, sister organ to Channel X and Red Hot TV. But rather than actual sex the couple’s respective reality TV shows will most likely feature lots of dry humping and watching skin dyes dry.

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Chantelle Houghton and friend are seen leaving Nobu in Mayfair and heading to the Funky Buddha in central London.

The Star says TV executives are “chomping at the bit” to sign the Big Brother stars for a show that will portray them as at it morning, noon and night.

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Posted: 20th, September 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Chantelle And Preston’s Phone Sex Honeymoon

REMEMBER when Big Brother stars Chantelle Houghton and Sam Preston were off on a second honeymoon – they were so in love that Preston wasn’t even taking his American girlfriend on the trip?

The wedding is in the bag, so is the ITV2 fly-in-the-soap reality TV show and the kids’ books. Just sign here, kids. Only, there is trouble in paradise, as the Star reports:

“It’s no secret that Chantelle and Preston want to give it another go but their families are at war over the idea. Chantelle’s clan are right behind the plan but Preston’s folks can’t stomach the idea in the slightest. They’re dead against it.”

No secret? It’s so secret that even OK!, the Star’s sister publication isn’t sure about it, and neither is Preston. But – Think. Of. The. Money.

“It’s made getting together in person really difficult, so at the minute they are keeping in touch on the phone.”

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Posted: 19th, September 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Brooke Shields’ Fur Coat Raises Chantelle Houghton’s Peta Droop

CHANTELLE Houghton Peta’s Dumb Animal of the Month Show is introduced by Brooke Shields’ fur coat child protector and walker.

Houghton, that jobbing jumble of Katie Price off-cuts, is fronting PETA’s Eating Meat Got You Down? campaign, outside Smithfield Meat Market in London. The claim is that eating meat and all that cheap protein makes your penis limp. Well, that what they tell Chantelle, allegedly…

But one meaty eater getting hard on for flesh is Brooke Shields who his making a fur cot at Denmark’s Kopenhagen Fur Studio.

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Posted: 2nd, June 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


X Factor: Danyl Johnson ‘Touches’ Olly Murs and Lucie Jones’ Sex Life

lucie-jonesX FACTOR: It’s Ex-week in the tabloids, as the X Factor singers’ former loves tells all, featuring the exes of Joe McElderry, Cheryl Cole and Lucie Jones, plus Dannii Minogue’s womb and Danyl Johnsons on Olly Murs skin, literally…

Olly Murs and Danyl Johnson are getting close, allegedly:

Daily Mirror: “Essex boy OLLY MURS is complaining about gay Danyl’s over-friendly “‘touchyfeeliness’ in the house.”

Is Olly’s Essex-ness relevant to his views on “gay” Danyl? Who is Olly complaining to? Anyone smell homophobia? Lots to investigate. Is Jan Moir free to help? In any case, Olly is spoken for:

The Star: “OLLY NICE PROBLEM”

Busty glamour girl Chantelle Houghton says she fancies the pants off the cheeky chappy.

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Posted: 8th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)


Katie Price And Peter Andre In Slash Horror

katie-peter1MORE Peter Andre and Katie Price news as amid a fight at the Mayfair Hotel, bookmakers slash the odds of the pair reunited their camera crews and giving it one more shot.

Ladbrokes has reduced the odds of a Peter Andre-Katie Price re-renewal of vows (they renewed their vows on a TV show having made their original vows before God and OK!) from 100/1 to 4/1.

Whether he bookmakers would take money from Katie or Peter’s PR camps is a moot point. The odds are one thing, the size of the betting market another. A wager of anything over a pound might be turned down by the bookmakers, suspicious of fixing.

One day on from news of a reconciliation, Peter Andre, along with Mel B, her husband Stephen Belafonte, Chantelle Houghton and Nicola McLean are dining with Katie’s former agent Claire Powell at the Mayfair Hotel. That’s them bathed in an orangey glow sat before plates covered in hand-reared breast meat.

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Posted: 8th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


Katie Price Introduces Peter Andre’s Mysterious Lover

katie-price14KATIE Price – Peter Andre Divorce: Yesterday, Katie Price was on the This Morning sofa telling daytime telly watchers about her rape, that “darkest secret”. And that Peter Andre – who we heard knew nothing of the rapes – “He knows who the person is.”

So it was the same person who raped her “more than once”. But while Katie looks to a career as a self-defence anti-rape campaigner, she also cocks a glance towards Peter Andre, who is sending us a boast card by way of the boys at Matrix Pictures. Peter is in Marbella.

Says Katie Price:

“Pete is seeing a girl, it’s not come out yet but it’s slowly coming out because I’ve read about it. I’ll be fine about it though, as long as they are good to the children, that’s all I ask.”

Katie Price is now getting news on her estranged husband by reading about it? Can you trust all that you read?

The Star is sure that you can and delivers the front-page screamer:

“LIAR Peter’s Got A Secret Lover”

Is he? Who is this lover? And how secret would this lover have to be to avoid being photographed and filmed as she goes about with Sentimental Pete? The Star equips its front page with a shot of Jordan-lite Chantelle Houghton. It then sticks to the facts:

BITCHY Kate Price yesterday humiliated hubby Peter Andre by blurting out on national TV that he has a secret lover.

This is “sour-faced Kate”.

The Star investigates Katie’s claim by calling Peter Andre’s agent on speed dial – from the same firm that now represents Chantelle Houghton and no longer services Jordan. Such is the state of the news business:

Peter’s spokesman said last night: “This is categorically 100% untrue. Peter is very ready to start dating again but we only wish he had the time and the freedom to go out on a date with anyone.”

Peter Andre lacks freedom? What constrains him? Yes, he is still married. But can it be that he is trapped in the media narrative that has Peter The Good taking on Katie The Bad?

In which case, he should know that the media likes nothing more than bringing down the good and saving the bad….

Posted: 4th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (22)


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