Film | Anorak - Part 19

Film Category

Includes cinema reviews and trailers for upcoming films. A digest of the best and worst interviews on movies and cinema.

Jessica Alba’s Spy Kids 4D Smells Of Dad’s Fantasies And Used Tissues In Aromascope (Gifs)

JESSICA Alba stars in Spy Kids: All the Time in the World (aka Spy Kids 4). It follows Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over (aka Spy Kids 3)  Without irony, the film will be first to use Aromascope, a technology that lets punters in the cinema smell odours and aromas from the film.

What odour do you think Spy Kids 4 smell of? Here’s a clue:

The film revolves around twins Rebecca and Cecil who cannot get along with their stepmother, Marissa Cortez Wilson (Jessica Alba), who married their father, Wilbur Wilson (Joel McHale), a spy-hunting reporter. Unknown to the twins, Marissa is a retired spy for the OSS (Organization of Super Spies, but in the Spy Kids Adventures novel series, the agency is called the Office of Strategic Services) which has since become the world’s top spy agency and former headquarters of the now-defunct Spy Kids division.

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Posted: 5th, July 2011 | In: Film | Comment

Hollywood Is Dead: Angry Birds Movie Is Considered

HOLLYWOOD is not in rude health. People can’t be bothered going to the cinema in quite the same numbers as they once did. Quite right too as cinemas are the most joyless places on Earth with their smell of disinfectant and outrageously priced snacks.

The worst element of the movies is the films shown themselves, often being turgid, generic fluff dribbled out to saps paying a tenner-a-pop, for which they’re supposed to be grateful.

And the latest nail in cinema’s coffin is the announcement that we could very well be treated to a feature length version of the irritatingly addictive Angry Birds game.

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Posted: 4th, July 2011 | In: Film | Comment

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley Talks Knickers And Teasing Lips (Photos)

TO help counter claims that she’s more than Megan Fox’s hot pants with an English accent, Transformers’ film star and model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley tells GQ magazine about her inspiration, the suffering and life story she draws upon to give depth to her lines:

“I got teased because of my lips.”

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Posted: 3rd, July 2011 | In: Film | Comment

Daily Express Does PR For Mohammed Al Fayed’s Princess Diana Murder Film

PRINCESS Diana is dead. Were she alive (rolls eyes up towards twitching curtains on the fabled Six Floor of the Harvey Nichol’s department story, London), she would be 50. Newsweek has heralded the event by turning Diana into a melange of sun-parched skin, Botox and Twitter twatishness.

An explosive new film which claims Princess Diana was murdered on the orders of the ­British Establishment has been banned in the UK, prompting allegations of a cover-up.
Unless the makers of Unlawful Killing cut 87 scenes from their hard-hitting documentary, it cannot legally be screened here.

It’s Keith AThe Express sticks with the conspiracy of her murder. The headline yells:


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Posted: 2nd, July 2011 | In: Film, Key Posts | Comment

Dambusters Dog Nigger Renamed Digger: Stephen Fry Casts ‘Paki’ The Terrier In Lead Role

NIGGER, Guy Gibson’s black Labrador, has been renamed Digger for the new film version of the DamBusters raid of WW2.

Digger is, of course, a derogatory name for Australians who pick their noses and bums.

There has been much uproar, not helped by the intolerant Twitter King Stephen Fry saying there is “no question in America that you could ever have a dog called the N-word“.

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Posted: 10th, June 2011 | In: Film, Key Posts | Comments (10)

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid: Tiffany Fights Debbie Gibson

WHO is bigger and badder in Mega Python vs. Gatoroid? Is it the huge snake? Is it the massive gator? Is it 1980s pop sensation Debbie Gibson? Or is it 1980s pop sensation Tiffany? Is Tiffany the snake and Gibson the gator? Or vice versa..?


Posted: 9th, June 2011 | In: Film | Comment

Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) Banned In Britain: Tongues In Cheeks Horror Is Just Sadism

YOU will not be watching Tom Six’s Human Centipede II (Full Sequence), the sequel to the 2009 flick Human Centipede (First Sequence). The BBFC has banned the film for being “tasteless and disgusting”. Yep, notoriety sounds great in the marketing department.

Says Mr Six:

“Thank you BBFC for putting spoilers of my movie on your website and thank you for banning my film in this exceptional way. Apparently I made an horrific horror-film, but shouldn’t a good horror film be horrific? My dear people it is a fucking MOVIE. It is all fictional. Not real. It is all make-belief. It is art. Give people their own choice to watch it or not. If people can’t handle or don’t like my movies they just don’t watch them. If people like my movies they have to be able to see it any time, anywhere, also in the UK.”

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Posted: 7th, June 2011 | In: Film | Comment

Awesome People Hanging Out Together At Larry Crowne Premiere: Photos

IN today’s edition of Awesome People Hanging Out Together we focus on Cherie Blair’s meeting with Rolling Stones hobgoblin Ronnie Wood at the Westfield Shopping Centre. Wood was with his lover Ana Araujo. And it as all about the hair. Ana was in a machine washable Anna Wintour. Ronnie was sticking with the detonated bearskin. And  Cherie wore a look that said “I’ve arrived. Finally I get to meet a Stone and – maybe, just maybe – shag him to death.”

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Posted: 6th, June 2011 | In: Film | Comment

Kung Fu Panda 2 Premier Photos: Jack Black (Not Angelina Jolie) Is Fubar

ANGELINA Jolie. Dustin Hoffman. Jackie Chan. Gary Oldman. Seth Rogen. Lucy Liu. They all would have loved – just loved – to have been at the premiere of Kung Fu Panda 2 at the Vue cinema in London’s Westfield shopping mall. But what with the – in no particular order – kids, adoption, hair transplants, tattooing, TV watching, apathy, war in Libya, body odour issues and engineering works on the Central Line – they could not be there.

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Posted: 5th, June 2011 | In: Film | Comment

The Greatest Film Threats Of All Time: This Is Fantastic (Video)

PRESENTING the greatest film/movie threats of all time. This ia fantastic. It is also NSFW – so turn the volume up.

How many films can you spot. We got 21.

They missed this.

Posted: 2nd, June 2011 | In: Film, Key Posts | Comment

I Was Harrison Ford’s Stunt Double: Vic Armstong Writes

VIC Armstrong is the Hollywood stuntman who has written about playing the stunt double for Harrison Ford’s Indiana Jones in three of the adventurer’s films:

The next day we shot the fight around the plane. Harrison and Roach squared up to each other and Harrison threw a punch. “That’s great. Moving on,” said Steven. Now as a stunt co-ordinator my job is to make sure that, on film, those punches look like they’ve connected. I was standing looking right over the lens of the camera and in my opinion it was a miss. Now I was stuck between a rock and a hard place because Steven had called it good, but I thought I’d better say something. “Excuse me sir, that was actually a miss.” He went, “Oh, you again.” I said, “Yeah, sorry, it was a miss.” Steven paused briefly. “Well, I thought it was a hit.” I said, “No, I was actually looking over the lens and it was a miss, I think.” Finally Steven said, “OK, we’ll do it again.” After that take was completed Steven, sarcastically almost, turned to me and said, “How was that?” I went, “That was good. That was a hit.” And we carried on and created a great fight routine. Three days later we were all watching dailies when the shot that I’d said was a miss came on screen. Steven had printed it. The old heart started to go, but sure enough it was a miss and Steven, who was right in front of me, turned round and said, “Good call Vic.” I couldn’t do much wrong after that, it was great.

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Posted: 1st, June 2011 | In: Film | Comment

JLS And the Gay Jews Of Eyes Wide Open: Photos

TO the screening of the new JLS film in 3D. It’s called Eyes Wide Open. Why is unclear. Maybe it’s a command from the producers to the children who will watch the thing: “Eyes Wide Open! No slouching, or nodding off. There will be questions later.”

Quesions like: Is this the end of JLS? Who put together a guest list that included bits of The Saturdays, One Direction, Harry Derbridge (The Only Way Is Essex), Billie Faiers and a load of others who aren’t too busy to watch a free film at the Soho Hotel in London?

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Posted: 26th, May 2011 | In: Film | Comment

James Bond Gets Carte Blanche: Throbbing Extracts Of Manhood

JAMES Bond has a new adventure. Thriller writer Jeffery Deaver was apporached by Ian Fleming Publications to write a James Bond novel. (In 2004, Deaver won the Crime Writers’ Association’s Ian Fleming Steel Dagger Award for his book Garden of Beasts.) He agreed. He created ‘Carte Blanche‘.

Says Deaver:

“In the world of espionage, giving an agent carte blanche on a mission comes with an enormous amount of trust and constantly tests both personal and professional judgement. Part of the nonstop suspense in the novel is the looming question of what is acceptable in matters of national and international security. Are there lines that even James Bond should not cross?”

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Posted: 25th, May 2011 | In: Film, Key Posts | Comment

Jean-Claude Carrière See Proust Unread On Your Death Bed

IN Today’s edition of We Are Not Worthy, we hear from Jean-Claude Carrière, a script writer:

There are books on our shelves we haven’t read and doubtless never will, that each of us has probably put to one side in the belief that we will read them later on, perhaps even in another life. The terrible grief of the dying as they realise their last hour is upon them and they still haven’t read Proust.

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Posted: 24th, May 2011 | In: Film | Comment

Pirates Of The Caribbean Bilge Is Good News For Web Pirates

THE latest episode of the Pirates of the Caribbean series (Pirate Of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides) limps in to view on a wormy peg leg. David Cox looks at the “industry’s real pirates” ripping off the creators with authentic pirate stuff.

The industry’s captains are appalled by piracy that’s actually aimed at themselves – so much so that they now treat their own customers as potential thieves…

Fancy seeing Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides? It’s on at the Empire Leicester Square in London, where a couple of seats in the circle for you and your beloved will set you back £35.30. If you’re going to bring the kids and throw in popcorn and Coke, you’d better take out a mortgage first.

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Posted: 24th, May 2011 | In: Film | Comment

Todd Burpo’s Tale Of Colton’s Trip To Heaven Is Now A Major Motion Picture

COLTON Burpo went to Heaven and saw things of wonder. His dad Todd Burpo wrote a book about his son’s trip. Heaven is for Real is the book that proves Christianity is right. Burpo, a pastor of Imperial’s Crossroads Wesleyan Church, had proof. And now that book is to be made into a major motion picture. Richard Bartholomew explains:

Sony Pictures has acquired screen rights to the book Heaven Is For Real: A Little Boy’s Astounding Story of His Trip To Heaven And Back, written by Todd Burpo and Lynn Vincent.  Joe Roth will produce with T.D. Jakes.

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Posted: 20th, May 2011 | In: Film, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Lars Von Trier’s Porn Stack Joke: Did Nicole Kidman Laugh?

LARS Von Trier is Nazi non grata at the 2011 Cannes film festival. But were his jackboot-in-mouth comments an improvised, bad joke told in a second language, possibly to try and shame and shock Kirsten Dunst sat to his side, or something more sinister? Anorak reader Debbie directs us to an interview the Guardian’s Tim Adams conducted with Paul Bettanty in 2004.

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Posted: 20th, May 2011 | In: Film | Comment (1)

Nazi Lars Von Trier Earns Rave Reviews In Austria, Germany, Paraguay, Eltham And Switzerland

LARS Von Trier’s film Melancholia will be a big hit in the beer cellars of Austria, and a wow with the key Unrepentant Old Racist demographic in Switzerland, Germany, Paraguay, parts of Eltham, south east London, and Brazil.

Von Trier, a Dane, was sat alongside film star Kirsten Dunst while praising Hitler at the Cannes Film Festival and “joking” about being a Nazi. What he said was:

“I really wanted to be a Jew, and then I found out that I was really a Nazi, because, you know, my family was German. Which also gave me some pleasure. What can I say? I understand Hitler, but I think he did some wrong things, yes, absolutely. But I can see him sitting in his bunker in the end. He’s not what you would call a good guy, but I understand much about him, and I sympathize with him a little bit. But come on, I’m not for the Second World War, and I’m not against Jews… I am very much for Jews. No, not too much, because Israel is a pain in the ass. How can I get out of this sentence? OK, I’m a Nazi.”

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Posted: 20th, May 2011 | In: Film, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Iron Sky Is The Best Nazi Moon Film Of The Year

IRON Sky is the best sci-fi-Nazi-dark-side-of-the moon film you’ll see this year – maybe. It’s inspired by the fine men and women at the Daily Sport:

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Posted: 16th, May 2011 | In: Film | Comment

Tree Of Life: Brad Pitt Plays The Draconian Father You Can Write About

WE spotted Brad Pitt at the Cannes Film Festival 2011. The would-be Mr Angelina Jolie was signing autographs after a press conference for Tree of Life.

. Do you remember when Brad and Angelina were in the papers pretty much every day on account of their love for each other; his alleged love for Jennifer Aniston; her alleged love for [insert animate and inanimate object here]? Well, now you hardly ever see them let alone read about them unless it’s do with their work with children, charity or film? Anyone know why..?

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Posted: 16th, May 2011 | In: Film | Comment

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides Premier Photos: Johnny Depp’s Haddock Curtains

TO the UK premier of the latest Pirates of the Caribbean film: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. All the usual stuff – Johnny Depp’s hair curtains, Jessica Lowndes sex appeal, Penelope Cruz’s simmer, British celebs filling the free seats, like the ever present Lizzy Cundy, and the fans trying to catch a glimpse of the famous. But the star was undoubtedly a blonde called Laura Haddock. Did she get invited on the strength of her name. And if so, what odds on a walk-on part for Michael Fish in Pirate Of The Caribbean: Bracing Winds ..?


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Jessica Lowndes arriving for the UK film premiere of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, at the Vue Westfield, London.

Posted: 13th, May 2011 | In: Film | Comment

Quentin Tarantino And Lady GaGa To Team Up For A Movie?

SEEING as Quentin Tarantino allowed Lady GaGa to use the Kill Bill Pussywagon in the singer’s promotional video for Telephone, it isn’t surprising that the film director is looking at GaGa and thinking of putting her in one of his films.

And what better way to try and sweeten the deal than by getting Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt to butter up the Judas singer while on a jolly at the Cannes Film Festival? Unless they tried to adopt her, which could be kinda irritating.

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Posted: 12th, May 2011 | In: Film | Comment

L’Oreal National Movie Awards: Photos Of The PR-Driven ITV Advertorial

ARE the L’Oreal National Movie Awards the most dire and desperate awards in the business? The categories Must See Movie Of The Summer and One to Watch: Brits Going Global show that this is an awards do formed by the PR industry.

You can tell a lot about the calibre of an awards do by seeing if it is on ITV (if it is, it’s most likely crap) and the venue: it’s Wembley Arena, a place blessed with all the soulfulness of Simon Cowell sat on pile of gold licking his eyelids.

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Posted: 11th, May 2011 | In: Film, Key Posts | Comment

Princess Diana’s Unlawful Killing Appeals To The Usual Suspects

THE Princess Diana conspiracy film is called Unlawful Killing. It’s created by Keith Allen, dad to Lily Allen, and funded by Mohamed Al Fayed, father to Dodi Fayed.

If the trailer is a fair reflection of the whole, the film is big on sideways eyes and making one plus one equals whatever you want it to. Allen says:

Unlawful Killing is not about a conspiracy before the crash, but a provable conspiracy after the crash.

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Posted: 9th, May 2011 | In: Film | Comment

Norwejian Ninja Is Our Film Of The Year

NORWEGIAN Ninja is here. At last! King Olav’s force for invisible warfare is behind you!!!

The biog boasts: “The true story of how Commander Arne Treholt and his Ninja Force saved Norway during the Cold War.”

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Posted: 5th, May 2011 | In: Film | Comment