X Factor: Simon Cowell’s Sex Emergency

VILLAINS winning loadsa money on Red or Black? X Factor yet to produce a Susan Boyle moment? Never fear because here to provide the tabloids with a snippy heading is Simon Cowell and his magnificent orgy of a sex life.

You’ll know when the X Factor and all other Cowell’s telly shows have jumped the shark when one of the hundreds of women Cowell has allegedly shagged actually comes forward to tell us about their nights of passion.

One woman who exists with what appears to be the sole purpose of being Simon Cowell’s ex is Sinitta?Recently she told The People:

“‘I caught him out a few times but Simon’s a master of denial.”

Anorak

Posted: 25th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jade Goody’s Mum Loses Jade Goody’s Little Sister In Cultural Nadir

ALAS! Jade Goody’s mum, Jackiey Budden, will not be a having a baby at 55 years of age.

The People learns that Budden has lost her growing baby 10 weeks into her pregnancy.

Jackiey, who “believes” the embryo was a girl, tells The People:

“I thought God was giving me one last chance to bring up a child. I thought Jade was bringing me a little girl from up there. It was like she was helping me from Heaven.”

Anorak

Posted: 25th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Mia Farrow Writes The Greatest Tweet Ever: Woody Allen Turns Green

MIA Farrow has written the Great American Tweet.

In reply to Sarah K Silverman, she muses on life with Woody Allen:

Spotter: The Antipodean Homo, via WOW

Anorak

Posted: 24th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

XXLiverpool: Incredible Giant Street Art Tribute To The Beatles (Photos)

FANS of the Beatles should appreciate the work of 3D street painter Juandres Vera, from Mexico. He’s created XXL Liverpool, the world’s first dual anamorphic 3D work of pavement art featuring The Beatles in Liverpool.
The 24m long by 6m wide work was commissioned to celebrate the dual 50th anniversary of The Beatles first gig at The Cavern Club and meeting their manager Brian Epstein.

The seemingly thousands of Scouse cab driver related to Ringo Starr will should mark it on their tourist routes …

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, September 2011 | In: Music | Comment

Our Royal Wedding Baby: Jodie Albert And Westlife Singer Kian Egan Are Beyond Parody

ROYAL Wedding Balls presents the most vapid OK! magazine report of the Year, featuring actress Jodie Albert and Westlife done-the-phone-singer Kian Egan:

Back in April, the world’s eyes watched Catherine Middleton glide down the aisle at Westminster Abbey to marry a beaming young Prince William. While we cheered with excitement, a couple – holed up in an apartment in west London – were celebrating their own happy news. Kian Egan and Jodie Albert found out they were expecting their first child that morning.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Hysteria Surrounds Maggie Gyllenhaal’s Shared Vibrators (Video)

ANORAK is used to actors getting into the role. So. Here’s Maggie Gyllenhaal talking about getting into the part (surely the part getting into her? – Ed) for Hysteria, a film tracing the invention of the vibrator:

“By the time I finished the movie I’d been sent maybe 15 vibrators by different people in London with vibrator stores. It was a pleasant surprise. So I have this incredible collection, and I actually use like one or two of them. I lend them to my friends, and they’ll take them for six months at a time.”

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, September 2011 | In: Film, Key Posts | Comment

Robert Pattinson Isn’t Recording A Solo Album, Okay?

TEENS, we have bad news for you. Really bad news. Robert Pattinson isn’t recording an album. You’re just going to have to go back to your shirtless photographs of him, your Twilight DVDs and continue to save your pocket money until you can afford a vampire glitter tongue compressor.

See, US Weekly reported wrongly that RPattz was itching to get into a studio and record his own songs. Alas, sources said that poor ol’ Rob was torn between being a thesp and his love of music.

BUT THOSE STUPID SOURCES LIED!

Pattinson’s rep, says:

“The report is untrue. He is not working on an album right now.”

Please note the cute use of ‘right now’. That means, should Pattinson have a break from acting to pen his music, there’s a window for him to do it.

Sadly, for you fawning divs, you’ll have to settle for his previously recorded ‘Never Think‘ and ‘Let Me Sign‘ which appear on the Twilight soundtrack.

Yep – that is the music you hear and not the pounding a million pubescent hearts…

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 21st, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Tony Bennett Says Sorry For Blaming America For 9/11

GUANTANAMERA! Guajira Guantanamera! Yep, Tony Bennett must’ve been a bit worried he was going to get shipped off to Guantanamo Bay for some special torture after he said that the whole 9/11 thing was the fault of America itself.

While promoting his new album, Duets II, on Howard Stern’s radio show, Bennett said that the U.S. was responsible for the September 11th attacks on New York and Washington, D.C.

“They flew the plane in, but we caused it.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 21st, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Who Is Cheryl Cole’s Soldier Lover?

JOIN the armed forces and win a chance to shag Cheryl Cole, Vera Lynn never made such an offer to Our Boys (and Girls), and her career is less starry for it.

The Daily Mirror continues to publicise its mawkish Pride of Britain Awards with Cheryl’s brave trip to Afghanistan.

Cheryl would have been braver had she visited Afghanistan as a holidaymaker, keen to show the world that beyond the bombs and the militants, the place has a few nice spots, a half-decent spa, hunky fellas and real people who actually live there.

Instead we get news that Chezza has pulled:

Cheryl has returned from Afghanistan with a twinkle in her eye – after taking a shine to a hunky British soldier.

Anorak

Posted: 21st, September 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (9)

Drunk Kerry Katona Sups OK!’s ‘Celebrity Juice’ And Swallows Lucien Laviscount

KERRY Katona and Lucien Laviscount continue with their fluid post-Big Brother romance on the cover of OK! magazine. The pair are fighting for love in the face of overwhelming odds – colour prejudice (she’s orange); age (he’s not much old than her kidzzzzz); incest (they describe themselves as being like brother and sister); and the cruelest barrier of all: they aren’t dating.

And yet OK! continues to make pronouncements:

“KERRY’S EXCITING NEWS – I’M MOVING LUCIEN IN!”

“WORLD EXCLUSIVE – ‘WE LOVE WAKING UP TOGETHER'”

“MOLLY DOESN’T LIE US KISSING IN FRONT OF HER”

Anorak

Posted: 21st, September 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Lady GaGa Pours Champagne Onto The Disabled People Of New York

WHAT is the correct term of disabled people these days? Obviously ‘people’ is more than adequate as one doesn’t want to define everyone by their disabilities.

However, in this instance, their disability is key to the story as we attempt to paint a picture of Lady GaGa being ghoulish and nasty.

See, the singer – while at a New York Giants game – was pictured pouring champagne into a section designated for handicapped fans at MetLife Stadium last night.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 20th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Spice Girl Mel B’s ‘Giggle Birth’ And Crap X Factor News

MELANIE Brown, aka former Spice Girl Mel B, continues her drive to be Melanie Brown, mother, in this week’s Hello!.

Hello! says Mel has gone from “making music to making babies”. One day she will make music for babies and introduce the album Music To Make Babies By, but for now Mel is presenting her “GORGEOUS” news baby Madison.

Madison is Mel’s third daughter, each squired by a different man.

Early on, you get the impression that Hello! is not all that bothered about Mel or her baby. Having couched the descption of said “gorgeous” child in inverted commas, it asks:

You went to Kim Kardashian’s wedding to Kris Humphries just days before you delivered. How was that?

Anorak

Posted: 20th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Alex James’s Cheese Is Comedy Gold: Blur Band Member Does Brass Eye

ALEX James, once famous for being in Blur, is now Alex Jamas famous for hanging out with David Cameron and making cheese and cheese adverts for Asda. He has three cheese strings to his bow:

James Calls Them: Cheddar Mozzarella Blankets
You Call Them: Cheese Slices

Alex has put the emphasis on delicious everyday comfort food you can share with the family – and what better than cheese on toast.
“Everyone loves cheese on toast,” says Alex. He’s created something unique for the range – bread-shaped slices of cheese that cover the toast perfectly.

The cheese blankets are great and easy to use for kids. They come in three flavours – Cheddar and Mozzarella, Cheddar and Tomato Ketchup, and Cheddar and Salad Cream.

You might say: But I want to do my own ketchup, mum.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Katy Perry’s Boobtastic Photoshop Masterclass: Photos

KATY Perry’s boobtastic photoshop masterclass for Rolling Stone:

Anorak

Posted: 18th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Suicidal Sinead O’Connor Gives It Up The Arse

FOLLOWING her earlier invitation for anal sex with a yam named Brian, priest Sinead O’Connor haas been talking about suicide.

Note: her advert for love now includes the element: “Must provide me with Fry’s chocolate cream bars (NOT a euphemism for anal sex).”

D-listed on his blog says Sinead is crazy. She is not. She is a brilliant writer, utterly captivating, warm, charming and readable. She is the antidote to the PR-fed bullshit that passes for copy in the tabloid press, in which pop mucus is traduced to Cheryl Cole’s warm heart and Lady Gaga’s beef curtains.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Cheryl Cole Warned To Stay Out Of Muslim Toilets

CHERYL Cole is in Afghanistan. The Star in Sunday leads with news that she is being targeted by the enemy. No, not Nicole Scherzinger. It’s even worse than that. The Star’s front-page headline yells:

“CHERYL DEATH THREAT – Star Targeted Over Afghan Visit”

News is that “ranting extremists” say Cole has put herself in danger by heading to Afghanistan to support Our Boys.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Dina Lohan And Lindsay Lohan Are An Item? Mum And Sister Smooch In Club

IS Dina Lohan putting the mother in Motherwell? Of course not. This is wholesome stuff between two sisters on big sister Dina’s 49th birthday do. Adolescent boys meeting looking anew at their girlfriend’s mum should know that this the same Dina who is keen to start a management company for children…

Anorak

Posted: 17th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Brad Pitt Says Marriage To Jennifer Aniston Is Like Being Stoned To A Slow Death

BRAD Pitt tells Parade that being married to Jennifer Aniston is like sitting on a sofa too stoned to move while being smothered by a wet blanket:

“I started to get sick of myself sitting on a couch, holding a joint, hiding out. It started feeling pathetic. It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself. I think that my marriage (to Aniston) had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn’t.”

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Dina Lohan’s Car Crash Interview: Lindsay Sister Act Is Born To Entertain

DINA Lohan is Lindsay Lohan’s mother. She’s on the red carpet telling a fawning presenter that Lindsay has “three films slated“. (We guess it loses something in the translation – although not every actor can say every film is a success.) Also, Dina is wearing a dress by an Australian designer she can’t talk about. You might snort with derision and make a snide and wholly wrong comment about Lindsay having ripped the label off when she got it out the store.

Or you might see the wonderful Dina for the true entertainer she is. It’s not talking this much nonsense to camera – but Dina’s got showbiz in her veins, and if the script demands it, she will talk and talk and talk…

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The Reviews For Allison Pearson’s I Don’t Know How She Does It Are Beyond Parody

ALLISON Pearson’s book I Don’t Know How She Does It has ben turned into a film starring Sarah Jessica Parker. If the reviews are a guide, the movie should be hilarious:

Sandra Parsons writes in the Daily Mail:

Now, I hate to sound unsisterly. But if I hear one more woman droning on about how hard life is for us today, I may have to set about her with my enormously bulky handbag — or possibly a copy of my predecessor Allison Pearson’s brilliant novel, I Don’t Know How She Does It, now made into a film with Sarah Jessica Parker.

When the novel was published ten years ago, a colleague who’d just had a baby bought me a copy, admiringly inscribed: ‘I really don’t know how you do it!’ (At the time, I had a full-time job, a five-year-old and a baby). My answer then was the same as it is now: by simply getting on with it.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2011 | In: Film | Comment

Paul McCartney: All He Needs Is Wedding Cake

WAVE a peace sign! Why? Because it shows you just how many Beatles are left on this dreadful planet of ours! And, once again, Paul McCartney is showing the world his love of wedding cake by getting married again.

Sir Macca and fiancée Nancy Shevell have formally given notice with London’s Marylebone Register Office of their intention to marry one off all over each other. Paul will be hoping that this one won’t be anything like that last one who went mental on GMTV.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 16th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Halle Berry Films Cloud Atlas In Glasgow: The Fatima Whitbread Story (Photos)

HALLE Berry is filming Cloud Atlas in Glasgow. The film also stars Tom Hanks. It’s about… Well, it seem to be a tribute to Fatima Whitbread, the former Briitish champion in the javelin.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2011 | In: Film | Comment

Joan Collins On The Rise Of Yob Culture And Swearing At Old Cows

JOAN Collins has been plugging her book The World According To Joan in the Daily Mail.

Never one to mince her words, Joan Collins uses her brilliantly incendiary new book, The World According To Joan, to unleash her rage at the state of modern Britain. Here, in our second exclusive extract, Joan rails against the rise of yob culture and the loss of the good manners that once defined us as a nation.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Cheryl Cole’s Fights War On Terror With Mushrooms: Nation’s Sweetheart Does Afghanistan

CHERYL Cole is in Afghanistan. She’s fighting the Taliban the only way she knows how: by posing for photos, smiling widely and blowing up an effigy of Simon Cowell on the cover of the Daily Mirror.

Inside and fallen nation’s sweetheart Cheryl is pouring bottled water into a dog’s mouth. Says Martin Fricker:

And black labrador Ammo wasn’t the only one lapping up the star’s attention – as her morale-boosting trip went with a bang. In a cheeky stunt organised by Army explosive experts, the Girls Aloud singer got to blow up a dummy of Simon Cowell.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Lindsay Lohan Back On Form As She’s Accused Of Lobbing A Drink At A Photographer!

TIGER BLOOD may no longer be running through Charlie Sheen’s veins, now that he’s announced he’s sober/tedious, but that doesn’t mean we have to give up on gawping at tragic celebrities who can’t stay out of trouble. See: Lindsay Lohan.

That’s because, despite her best efforts, Lindsay Lohan is causing small controversy again.

This time, she’s ALLEGEDLY (great word – you can write any ol’ junk if you include it in an article) thrown a drink over a photographer at a New York Fashion Week junket.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 15th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment