Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Lorrie Morgan And Sammy Kershaw Look for Inspiration
WITH Wild West shoot-outs frowned upon, modern country musicians must seek inspiration in other ways.
In the good old day, male singers could find misery by opening a bar and finding the place shot up within hours by no good varmint. Female crooners were encouraged to become prostitutes with hearts of pure spun gold.
Now all they have is holy matrimony and divorce.
And, as the Enquirer reports, Lorrie Morgan and Sammy Kershaw have nine marriages between them. And looking for material for a new album the singers have decided to separate and make it divorce No. 10.
With no dog to kill and horse to maim, Sammy has been forced to seek misery in selling off his tour bus, the No. 73 To Yuma. He is now, as the Enquirer reports, likely to come for some of singer Lorrie’s assets.
Lorrie scored 14 Top 10 hits in the 90s, says the Enquirer – including such unforgettable melodies as Get Out, Mr Man!, Leavin’ Me!, Leavin’ You, and Leavin’ Us. No hit was greater than her 1997 smash Go Away.
It is hoped that with both parties suffering, they can produce a hit album, or at the very least something for a lonely cowboy to hum…
Posted: 7th, November 2007 | In: National Enquirer | Comment
Jennifer Aniston Changes Her Friends
NOTHING ages faster then the new. And so it is a blessed relief that we are not reading in the National Enquirer about Jennifer Aniston’s new hairstyle, new man or new catchphrase.
To date Jennifer has kept her hair long and her new men on script. As for the catchphrase, Jen has tried “OH MY God”, “OH-my God!”, “Oh MY God” and the challenging “OH-my-GoD!” But she has ever remained true to herself.
But now in “JEN OUT OF CONTROL”. The National Enquirer tells of Jen’s “wild partying”, “secret trysts with ex-lovers”, and her “hungry for new man.”
Plus ca change. It is refreshing to know that is world of uncertainties Jennifer Aniston remains as unwavering as a Hollywood divorcee’s expression.
Jen is always looking for love, always out at a party and always accompanied by hair that says she is worth it.
Posted: 7th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comment (1)
Jade Goody Leaks Out
NEWS that Jade Goody is to marry in secret occupies minds at the Daily Star.
The secret nuptials will occur at the Riverside Church in Manhattan (one of Billericay’s premier nightspots!) on February 29 2008.
After becoming Mr Jack Tweed, the secret wedding will relocate to a “lavish champagne reception” at the Twenty Four Fifth floor ballroom in the former Fifth Avenue hotel.
It is expected that between “naw” and “den”, Jade and Jack will experience numerous highs and lows as details of the secret wedding almost leak out…
Posted: 7th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)
Britney Spears: On Whom The Staff Tell
“INSIDE Britney’s MAD MAD world,” says the Mirror’s front page. “BY THE WOMAN CLOSEST TO HER.”
The woman is, naturally, Kalie Machado, who for three months was Britney’s assistant. One may wonder if Machado remains the woman closest to Britney or if La Spears has moved on and hired more staff?
Ms Machado knows. But first she has a Serve ‘n’ Tell to deliver. (It was to have been a Kiss ‘n’ Tell but the Mirror tells us that the kiss Machado and Spears shared in Las Vegas was “staged” and a “mock” kiss.)
With Machado’s guiding hand, we move inside Britney’s Malibu mansion, past the wedding dress that hangs in a case on the wall. We go upstairs and hear Britney crying herself to sleep “night after night”.
“She was incredibly sad and lonely while I was with her,” says Machado.
But what of Kevin Federline? The Rapping Rodent had just left the family abode when Machado arrived. Britney wanted him back. She kept all this clothes. She would walk in and possibly smell them.
How Britney must have wanted to bottle the K-Ferret odour. With its heady low notes of baseball cap and tartar and top notes of exhaust fumes and vest, Rappa would have complimented Britney’s own signature perfumes. Sold in a bottle shaped like a pair of buck teeth, Rappa would have made some money, too.
But it was never to be. Instead of Kevin, Britney got Machado – the woman closest to her…
Posted: 7th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Katie Holmes And Tom Cruise Dress To The Right
A GIANT in the Scientology movement and a towering presence in official pictures of his wedding to Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise is noticed by the Mail.
Strange things are afoot. And in “Miss Holmes and her incredible shrinking man,” the paper wonders why Katie is looking so tall.
The Mail talks of the “couple’s fluctuating height-difference”. It is a “mystery”.
Indeed, in one published picture, Tom appears a good four inches taller than his petite wife. But in another shot, Katie is a giantess, and Tom is threatening to fall through a crack in the pavement.
The obvious explanation is that the pair are changelings, Tom and Katie trading places by the power of mind thought. It might be that only their heads swap, a notion suggested by Katie dressing to the right in picture two.
Posted: 7th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Pete Doherty’s New Album: Doin’ The Do
OVERLOOKED for the Princess Diana concert, some would say unforgivably, Pete Doherty has been forced to revisit his career’s past highlights.
And if that means getting off his face on smack, then so be it. If Pete is to be around for the Princess Diana Jubilee Concert he needs to keep his legend alive.
So here is Pete making music. Or, as the Sun puts it on its front page: “Doherty back on heroin.”
It is believed that very soon we will all be doing The Doherty. And to help us learn the words, the Sun has an instructional montage of Doherty’s greatest moment in performance, as captured on camera phone.
“Sickening – Doherty crouches with the needle in his mouth”
“Stupid – junkie cooks up heroin on spoon and loads syringe”
“Shocking – Pete with wristband on [Make Poverty History], sticks needle in arm”
That’s The Doherty. This latest album is “quite good”, says the Sun’s showbiz editor.
For past Doherty albums, see the Daily Mirror’s picture editor…
Pic: Beau Bo D’Or
Posted: 6th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Steve McClaren Traces David Beckham
HAVING plumped for the professionals over the celebrity side Hollywood United Football Club – so much for the selection headache – David Beckham pulls on his socks with some urgency.
With England coach Steve McClaren watching form the stands amid 5,543 fans at the Home Depot Center, Beckham scores two goals and has three “assists” (USA Today) in a 12-4 rout of Antony LaPaglia’s Hollywood United.
Indeed, that is the same Athony LaPaglaia, who stars in TV’s Without A Trace, the show that finds missing people.
“It’s probably the best I’ve felt in quite a few months now,” says Beckham, who made Def Leppard guitarist Viv Campbell look pedestrian. “It was important for me to get a good workout tonight. I’ve been working hard trying to get myself fit.”
Hollywood FC’s players were too out of breath to talk. Although one team member, bearing more than a passing resemblance to Paul Henry from Crossroads, lifted his short over his head to reveal the message: “Come on McClaren – Pick ME?”
Posted: 5th, November 2007 | In: Back pages, Celebrities | Comment (1)
Lily Allen Smiles At Victoria Beckham
SAYS Lily Allen, singer of such hit songs as Smile, Grin, Beam, Smirk and Smile (Larfta Cut) in the Sun: “It does make me laugh to see pictures of Victoria Beckham on the front of a magazine.” Smile, even.
“I think, ‘You’re not promoting anything, you don’t need the money, so all it’s about it being famous.’
“And I can never imagine my life being about being famous.”
Look out for Lily’s news song Still Smiling in good, bad and indifferent record shops…
Pic: The Spine
Posted: 5th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
OK!, Let’s Not Talk About Kerry Katona’s Drugs
“YES, I WAS ON DRUGS ON GMTV!” says OK! diarist Kerry Katana in what is already being billed as a “KERRY EXCLUSIVE”.
On the magazine’s cover, Kerry cradles a newborn baby and a small-ish blond-ish child. That Kerry is proud of her kids is beyond question. They are as talented as their mother, possibly more so. It is likely the elder child can name all the celebrities in this week’s OK! – the baby being stumped by the presence of former Emmerdale actress Adele Silva.
As for the drugs, Kerry says she is on them. And she has been on them while talking on GMTV. Says she: “I am sick to death of all these questions coming up about me being on drugs.”
We will have no more said on the matter. “Yes I am on drugs,” says Kerry. But we will not listen. Let’s draw a line under this episode, put the tin lid on it. Says Kerry: “It’s my bipolar medication…”
Enough. In any case, bi-polar is so last season…
Posted: 4th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comments (7)
The Britney Spears I Want To Know, By Cheryl Cole
ANORAK has managed to internalise our upset at the recent goings on in the life of Britney Spears.
But Girls Aloud singer Cheryl Cole is unable to contain herself. She emotes: “It’s devastating to see Britney like this. It’s so sad, she needs help. She’s mentally ill.”
Many have befriended Spears on the way up and it heartening to see that with her career more about her private life than her music, Cole is on hand to give a professional opinion.
And she wants to offer Britney a refuge: “I’ve said that she can come to my house and I’ll look after her.”
This is true camaraderie, hands across the celebrity Pond. So what that Britney at Cole’s house will attract untold speculation and cause Cheryl to appear on camera to defend, explain and enlarge upon her kindness. This is what giving is.
It is giving until it hurts…
Posted: 3rd, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Vicky Says David Beckham Does Lines
UPDATES from the House of Beckham in the Mail, where readers learn that David Beckham will only vacuum the house in “straight lines”, while wearing a pinafore apron. Victoria says David “gets funny” when someone steps on his newly vacuumed carpet. Fortunately, the Beckhams retain the services of a “cleaner”, and Victoria and her shoes are often elsewhere…
Posted: 2nd, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Amy Winehouse Courts Rehab
SAYS Amy Winehouse’s father Mitch of the singer’s husband, soon to appear in a courtroom: “If Blake were to go to jail for GBH it would probably be the best thing that could happen for Amy. It would give her a chance to recover and we could get her into rehab.” Or re-rehab, as it must be known…
Posted: 2nd, November 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)
California On Fire – The Movie
WHEN the film of the fire is made who will play Robert Redford? As the National Enquirer notes Redford was one of the stars forced to say “Oh My God” as fire swept through the countryside.
Other roles to be filled in Flame – I Wanna Live Forever!: Halle Berry (to be played by Cher), Sean Penn (Mel Gibson), Mel Gibson (Tom Hanks), Victoria Principal (Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox), Richard Gere (Tom Hanks) and Sting (Barbra Streisand). Directed by Angela Lansbury.
Posted: 1st, November 2007 | In: National Enquirer | Comments (4)
Angelina Jolie’s ‘Web Of Lies’
“ANGELINA’S WEB OF LIES,” announces the Enquirer’s front page.
Lies? Can it be that Angelina Jolie’s’s favourite word is not “Lemsip” and, as we have read in countless other oranges of record, her second best colour ever (in the whole wide world) is orange? Did she never mean the “Best wishes” she assigned to a picture proffered by Old Mr Anorak’s nurse?
These are lies told as exclamations. “!” (About Jen); “!” (OTHER LOVERS); “!” (HER FUTURE WITH BRAD!).
“Angelina has been caught telling a big lie to Brad about his ex, Jen – and it’s just one stand in a web of deceit Angelina has been weaving about her twisted double life,” says the magazine of repute.
The shock of shocks is that Angelina will not be all that willing to sit down with Jennifer Aniston, for it is ever she, and “couldn’t bear even the idea!” of meeting Brad Pitt’s former lover and wife.
And what of the children? A source says Angelina only spends a few hours with the children all day. “As soon as she sees camera,” says this insider, “Angie grabs a kid.”
Which might explain how she came to adopt three children – were they just close by when the command “Action!” was issued?
Posted: 1st, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (6)
Britney Spears Calls For A Blackout
QUESTION of the day: “Would Britney Spears dress a little less like a hooker is she had a man?”
That question to you, Daily Star readers. But with no phone number to register “YES” and “NO”, Star readers may struggle for an answer.
Britney, for her part, appears unbothered by the attention spent on her outfit. Not everyone can pull off a combination of fishnet, pink rayon-polyester mix bustier and matching lipstick. Few would attempt it. “DRESS TO ILL,” says the Mirror.
And we look. And were it not for the every-vigilant Sun we would study the clothes and miss the inner Spears and an “unfortunate cluster of facial blemishes”. “OOPS I DID ZIT AGAIN,” says the Sun.
We look. The Sun has drawn a ring about the area. In keeping with the spirit of Halloween, Britney may have cared to paint them black and stick on few bed-harvested hairs.
Others suggest that Britney should promote her new album Blackout by switching off the lights and get both dressed and undressed. But we fear that would be unkind…
Posted: 31st, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
David Beckham’s Pro-Celebrity Soccer
CELEBRATE David Beckham’s return to playing as he prepares to take on Hollywood United in a pro-celebrity match.
Beckham he will representing the pros in La Galaxy white, although reserves the right to play the second half for Hollywood United dressed in a gamboge strip with taffeta sleeves.
Posted: 31st, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
David Beckham Respects Tom Cruise’s Religion
SAYS David Beckham on Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes: “We respect their religion. We respect everything they do and believe in.”
Having helped the Los Angeles Galaxy to play no part in the MLS Cup Playoffs, David has selflessly freed up his time to bring football to the masses. And if that means cementing fledgling celebrity friendships then so be it.
At a time when other pros of his vintage are starring in such treats as Premier League All Stars on satellite TV, Becks has forgone the chance to tackle Angus Deayton and high-five Lee Latchford Evans from Steps to work on his game.
And on Tom Cruise and Katie he says: “But they have never turned around to us and said, ‘You have to be part of this’, because that’s now what we’re about.”
Indeed not. Posh and Becks are not Scientologists. Her Poshness has been seen sporting the red-string Kaballah bracelet. And it was half-Jewish David who hymned: “I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don’t know into what religion yet.” That’s what they are about.
Says Dave: “They are amazing people who are just so positive about life and they have been great to us.”
And when David is talking about not talking about Scientology with celebrity Scientologist Tom Cruise, he is talking three or four times a week with Jennifer Lopez’s husband Marc Anthony, a potential Scientologist.
Dave is putting in the hard yards. It was David who said: I’m just here for the red-carpet side.”
But it’s not all work. David’s home life comes first. “I bring them up exactly how I was brought up,” says David of his children, who may find it a chore to get Brooklyn to Chingford for net practice.
It’s not like he’s got a space ship to whiz him there in a trice is it. Is it?
Posted: 30th, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Rev Robert Shields’ Diary: Dear David and Victoria Beckham…
“WORLD’S longest diary comes to an abrupt end,” announces the Times. We blanch. We scurry to the tabloids and learn that Victoria Beckham respects Tom Cruise’s religion and David is to be cast in bronze.
Whatever can the Times mean? The world’s longest diary is thriving.
But there is a pretender to the crown. The Times looks at the work of the Rev Robert Shields, who has died and left behind a 37.5million word document.
The Beckhams might well scoff, but the Reverend began his diary only 25 years ago.
And the purpose? As Shields said: “Maybe by looking into someone’s life at that depth, every minute of every day, they will find out something about all people. I don’t know. No way to tell.”
Highlights from Sunday, August 13, 1995…
7.25-7.30 – “I sprayed and puddle and piddled and widdled”
8.40 – 8.45 – “I filled the humidifying basin mounted over the Futura baseboard heater”
9.25-9.35 – “I dressed in a pair of black Haband trousers, a hand white mesh shirt, the Huband blue blazer with simulated silver buttons, eyeglasses, the 14-degree Masonic ring, both hearing aids”
9:45 – 9.50 – “I felt a tickle in my throat. It might be a cold. A coff. Called agent. “Colden Ball,” said news story. Victoria no cold”
Pic: The Spine
Posted: 30th, October 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comments (2)
The Princess And The Bea
“I’M not so royal now, am I!” says Princess Beatrice.
Another day and another chance for the Royal Family to show that beneath the taffeta and the lace, under the bridge work and ten paces to the left of the special constable they are but a blood transfusion away from being just plain rich.
As the Sunday Mirror reports, Beatrice has struck up an “unlikely friendship with pop princess Lily Allen”.
Readers learn that Beatrice Windsor has found cause to visits Allen’s East London home. She has drunk shots and danced around Lily’s living room.
A party-goer says: “Bea was great fun. Her and Lily were controlling the stereo and putting on the tunes – and leading the dancing. Bea was loving being in with the music crowd.”
And her she is giving full throat to the line: “I’m not so royal now, am I.” indeed, not, she has achieved the improbable and become still more royal. Beatrice Windsor is the length of a Nazi uniform away from being as royal as they come…
Posted: 28th, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Britney Spears: “Eat it! Lick it! Snort it! F*** it”
BRITNEY Spears is in court. Britney Spears leaves court. Troubled Britney Spears flounces out of the court saying, “Eat it! Lick it! Snort it! F*** it!”
Britney returns to the courtroom. Britney Spears sobs.
Troubled Britney is embroiled in a custody case with her estranged husband K-Ferret. Earlier, Troubled Britney’s lawyer, Thomas Paine Dunlap, opined that video of the depositions would almost certainly wind up on YouTube. He wanted protection for his client. Granted.
Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon says: “I’m not chastising her. She’s an adult. But what I’m saying is someone who is always going to places where there is an inordinate amount of media, it doesn’t square.”
Says Dunlap: “If she goes to Starbucks, there’s media there. If she goes shopping, there’s media there.”
The media is there if she goes to a courtroom, leaves a courtroom, snorts a courtroom etc…
Posted: 27th, October 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Beckham Watch: Today Victoria Is…
VICTORIA Beckham is “waisted in LA”. The Sun’s scoop is that Vicky is wearing a waistcoat…in Los Angeles. What with the fires and all. “Posh, 33, flew into Los Angeles airport from Japan in the sleeveless top.” We have every reason to believe Her Poshness wore her oputfit in Japan, too. Reports to follow…
Posted: 27th, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Tortured Amy Winehouse Is No Troubled Britney
AMY Winehouse is “Troubled” in the Mirror. In the Star, she is “Tortured”. Says Winehouse:
“I really thought I was on the way out. My husband Blake saved my life, brought me to hospital.” Winehouse was on a composite blend of heroin, ketamine, cocaine and ecstasy.
“Often I don’t know what I do. Then the next day the memory returns. Blake told me later what had happened. And then I am engulfed in shame.” For shame.
But the real issue is at hand. A problem has been solved. Winehouse cannot be “Troubled” for that is the lot of Britney Spears, who is performing under the headline billing “Troubled Britney”. Winehouse should be Tortured.
And for “Tortured Amy Winehouse” we thank the Star…
Posted: 26th, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (18)
Britney Spears Carrie’s On With Her New Guy
DID Britney Spears start the fires in Malibu? Do we fear the worst on reading the Star’s headline: “I’M GONNA SET FIRE TO KEVIN”?
Is this a remake of Carrie that went wrong? Went right?
“Remember, remember, the firth of November,” says the Star, holding a bacon upon the date Britney Spears plans to torch her ex-lover.
It is said that Spears plans a Bonfire Night party at her home and is urging her “fellow bunny-boilers” to produce effigies of their former flames to toss upon the pyre.
So it’s goodbye, K-Ferret. Goodbye Justin Timberlake. And goodbye Prince Andrew. Sarah Ferguson is on the phone. Says she: “I’d love to talk to Brit. I feel sorry for her. I want to tell her, it’s all okay. We could be friends.”
Britney could nestle into her dirty pillows…
Posted: 26th, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Kerry Katona’s Miracle Lamborghini
THE results of our survey are in and you the readers want a statue of Kerry Katona to be erected in her native Spud U Like, Warrington Chapter.
Congratulations to Kerry, who can be seen on the front of OK! assuming the position by holding her pregnant tum-tum and showing her white teeth.
By way of a legend to mark the monument, Kerry offers: “OUR GIRLS ARE SO EXCITED ABOUT OUR MIRACLE BABY”. Or: “IF IT’S A BOY I’LL BUY MARK A LAMBORGHINI.”
Indeed, dear reader, the Lamborghini part smacks of sponsorship and Warrington has been independent ever since Albert’s Motor Mart and Discount Baby Supplies shut its doors for good.
Best to stick with the “miracles” inscription, it being a fitting word for Kerry, for whom the world “miracle” surmises a career…
Quote of the day – Kerry: “The only thing I get down about is my depression.”
Posted: 24th, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment (1)
Nick Nolte Takes A Journey Up Clytie Lane, Hollywood
“THREE chanting midwives delivered Nick Nolte’s baby daughter to his Pilates instructor girlfriend Clytie Lane at their Malibu home – with no doctor present.”
For some time Anorak has been studying the National Enquirer and translating its bon mots for your education. But rarely if ever have we encountered a line that so succinctly epitomises the goings on in Hollywood .
The only things missing from this tableau are the ages of all parties concerned. And we note that Nolte is 66, Clytie – “who appeared in the movie Coffee Date” – is in her thirties.
The baby, a girl, has yet to be named. And we await that development with no little enthusiasm…
Posted: 24th, October 2007 | In: National Enquirer | Comment (1)
