The Beatles children to form a truly awful band? The Drab Four are here

EVERYTHING ever is always spoiled by the introduction of children. Muppets – great. Muppet Babies – awful. Scooby Doo – excellent caper with slight counterculture vibes. The introduction of Scrappy Doo? Worse than a dose of anthrax. Even Popeye had a son at one point and everyone in the world wanted to end his life.

And so, let us introduce to you, the act you’ve known for all these years, The Beatles Babies!

That’s right, we could well be faced with the Drab Four if Paul McCartney’s son, James, gets his way. It has been reported that James Macca is “up for it” and that John Lennon’s son, Sean, and George Harrison’s son, Dhani, have also shown support for the idea, which would see various Beatle-sperm getting together and performing songs which will invariably defecate all over the memory of the world’s most famous group.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 3rd, April 2012 | In: Key Posts, Music | Comments (11)

Battle of the Mels: Spice Girls at war over invariably awful musical

WRITING a musical is hard work, so why not skip much of the creative process and based it around the back catalogue of a campy, successful band? We’re looking at you, Queen and ABBA. And seeing as the collective member are all completely insane, it comes as no surprise that there’s going to be Spice Girls: The Musical.

Or will there? You see, while theatre producer Judy Cramer (responsible for the awful-but-giganto-hit Mamma Mia!) has been working on the production 2010 and there’s the small matter of Jennifer Saunders (now the female Ben Elton-esque sellout swine) writing the original script, the process is getting awkward.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 2nd, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

George Michael reschedules tour now that Heather Trott is dying

ONE of the more peculiar elements of EastEnders is the subplot that Heather Trott really, really, really likes George Michael. She once hid in a garden and sniffed a yoghurt lid that she fished out of a bin. Yes, that’s primetime British television there.

Of course, since George Michael is barking mad and always stoned or nearly dying of pneumonia, he probably thinks ‘Hev’ is a real person. And now she’s being killed off (which will air tomorrow) which means that the singer now feels safe enough to reschedule his tour.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 20th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Mick and Keef bury hatchet after ‘tiny todger’ comment

HAVE you seen Keef Richards’ wang? It’s there online should you want to look for it. No, we don’t blame you for not having searched it already. However, if you have seen it, you’ll know that Keith isn’t exactly hung like a hoover bag. So it was a little odd to see him saying that his lifelong buddy, bandmate and business partner, Mick Jagger, had tiny penis in his memoir.

Richards, told the Daily Mirror: “As far as the book goes, it was my story and it was very raw, as I meant it to be, but I know that some parts of it and some of the publicity really offended Mick and I regret that.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 19th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Rihanna finally speaks out about Chris Brown collaboration

RIHANNA is an infuriating human being, mainly because she’s always in earshot talking about sex. Constantly. Unswervingly. Sex sex sex sex sex until its as boring as talking about shoe-horns. However, the other story that has swirled around her is her relationship with Chris Brown.

Of course, Brown beat Rihanna up and is still on probation about it all. To confuse matters, RiRi went and recorded a couple of duets with him. It seems everyone has forgiven Breezy, apart from the confused few left looking at the situation and wondering when someone may actually mention the whole ‘being sorry for beating Rihanna up’ thing.

And now, at last, Rihanna has something to say about it all!

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 16th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Russell Brand arrested in iPhone ‘tribute to Steve Jobs’

SINCE Russell Brand split up with Katy Perry, the pair have retained something of a dignified silence, which of course, is no good to anyone. Now at least, some vague cracks are beginning to show. HURRAY! We want a nervous breakdown brought on by jealousy, and now please.

And Brand is first to look like he’s going under after he had a quick trip to the police station after being arrested in New Orleans. Apparently, he tossed an iPhone off. (What is it with Brand and phones?)

According to TMZ, Brand grabbed a photographer’s iPhone and lobbed it through the window of a downtown law office. An arrest warrant was issued and the comic didn’t try to attempt to hide his part in the phone fiasco. On twitter, he address the whole thing:

“Since Steve Jobs died I cannot bear to see anyone use an iPhone irreverently, what I did was a tribute to his memory.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 16th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Whitney Houston’s daughter Bobbi gets romantic with… her brother Nick?

UH-OH. Whitney Houston was not a woman you could describe as ‘together’. The same goes for Bobby Brown, as the pair lived out a tempestuous relationship that swirled around mistreatment, drugs and generally looking stoney-dead behind the eyes.

When Whitney died, it looked for all the world like Bobby was going to go completely insane. However, catching everyone on the blindside, it was their daughter Bobbi Kristina who raised eyebrows so far that people are now frowning with their buttocks.

And Whitney’s mother, Cissy Houston, is not happy about it all.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 15th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

The Beatles Butchered: How The Beatles Were Carved Up

THE Beatles albums are the cornerstones of the popular music canon. Please Please Me, With The Beatles, A Hard Day’s Night, Beatles For Sale, Help!, Rubber Soul… They sold in their millions all over the globe.

In America, however, things were very different. The group’s early material was owned by different labels, leading to an unseemly scramble as different Beatles singles were released in competition with each other.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities, Flashback, Key Posts | Comments (11)

Madonna chides Karl Lagerfeld over Adele comments

MADONNA is a woman who has courted controversy for gain in the past, just like a stream of celebrities have done before and since. However, she’s obviously feeling a bit sensitive at the moment, taking time about to lambast controversial fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld.

See, Karl recently said that Adele was ‘a little too fat’. Now, of course, he also said that she had a ‘divine voice’. We’re not sure which is more debatable. She is clearly ‘a little fat’ and her voice is… well… ‘often in-tune but quite often bellowed and abrasive’.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 12th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Michael Jackson files stolen by hackers?

WHEN someone says that they’ve landed a load of files of Michael Jackson’s be hacking, you can be forgiven for immediately thinking that some smut will turn up in the turns of earth. Legally, we probably shouldn’t speculate on what kind of bongo film switched Jackson’s groin on.

Instead, we’ll point out that, in this instance, the files that were swiped were actually music files. A large number of them in fact.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 5th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Bobby Brown lived in a car so Whitney Houston could go to rehab

SO, now that Whitney Houston is dead, we can all say what we like about her because she has no feelings. What gossip is floating around about her? Well, first up, she’s strongly rumoured to have had an affair with Jermaine Jackson (a man hellbent on getting a career out of famous corpses) in ’84.

Allegedly, Jermaine was married to Motown founder Berry Gordy’s daughter at the time, which is nice. He didn’t join the Jacksons’ move to Epic from Motown because of his love for Little Gordy, but alas, found time to (allegedly) dip his wick in Whitney. She was supposedly so besotted with him that she recorded Saving All My Love for You, with a Jermaine lookalike in the video.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 5th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Engelbert Humperdinck to represent the UK at Eurovision

EUROVISION is getting among everyone again, and in the latest desperate, needy grab at being loved, the UK has tried to second guess the tastes of Europe by going insultingly kitsch and camp and hired Engelbert Humperdinck to represent.

Yes. An aging, prema-tanned man who does the jobs Tom Jones turns down.

Of course, that’s no slight on Engelbert because, face it, Quando Quando Quando is a toweringly good song and Release Me is a bona fide wedding reception classic. But will he get us loving looks from a collection of countries that essentially hate us?

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 2nd, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Zayn Quits One Direction!

NOT ones to entirely mock the bereaving, Zayn Malik is absolutely and definitely quitting One Direction.

That’s right! He’s left the US tour and won’t be coming back! For a short while! Because his Auntie died! And he’s going to the funeral!

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 1st, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Taylor Swift invites cancer patient to be her date, as if he hasn’t suffered enough

CANCER is a terrible, awful disease. When celebrities get it, they immediately become brave whereas civilians are just dreadfully unlucky. What about when the two worlds collide? Well, Taylor Swift is seeing to that, asking a cancer patient called Kevin McGuire to be her date to this year’s American Country Music Awards.

The poor sod.

In fairness, being Taylor Swifted is partly his own fault. The singer asked the 18-year-old to be her prince for the evening after she turned down his invitation for her to be his prom date.

In a Facebook message, Swift wrote: “Kevin I’m so sorry but I won’t be able to make it to your prom. But I was wondering, the ACM Awards are coming up. Would you be my date?”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 27th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

Chris Brown slurs Christal Spann before stealing her phone?

TEAM BREEZY may be willing to defend Chris Brown against almost anything, but surely the rest of the known universe is getting tired of him already? First he beat Rihanna up, then he released a load of dreadful RnB, then he played the victim because everyone wanted to bring the whole domestic violence thing up and then, astonishingly, he won a Grammy and started collaborating with Rihanna again using the wifebeater thing as a promotional backdrop and got involved in a row with a WWE wrestler.

And now, because he still seems to be an angry dimwit, he’s allegedly stolen someone’s phone and called them a bitch.

Yessir, according to reports, Brown has gone mental at a lady called Christal Spann. Apparently, the singer stole Spann’s phone outside a nightclub in Miami.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 24th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)

WWE Wrestler versus Chris Brown – The Rihanna Smack Down

WHEN men hear about a woman getting beaten up by their spouse, it isn’t uncommon for them to say things like ‘violence is wrong’, before outwardly wishing to beat the living hell out of the man that did it. This is the world we live in. Violence is bad and should be met with, well, violence.

However, it is unusual for two celebrities to have violence foreplay. And that’s exactly what is happening with WWE wrestler CM Punk and he’s challenging Chris Brown for beating Rihanna up. In CM Punk’s world, women are to be “revered”, unless you count the dolly bird wrestlers who frequently WWE.

Either way, CM Punk has challenged Brown and wants to make him feel “weak” and defenceless, just like Rihanna presumably did when Breezy was repeatedly punching her on the way to the Grammies 3 years ago.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 23rd, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Chris Brown and Rihanna use domestic violence to further their careers

YOU may be disgusted and horrified at the fact Chris Brown assaulted Rihanna for a prolonged period 3 years ago, but that doesn’t mean anyone else does. In fact, the entertainment industry – as beleaguered as it is – is more than happy to use domestic violence as a way of selling records.

See, even though there’s still court orders in place on Brown to stop him from seeing Rihanna, that’s not stopped them musically collaborating.

Breezy appears on Rihanna’s ‘Birthday Cake’ remix and Ri returned the favour by appearing on a remix of his new track, ‘Turn Up the Music.’

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 21st, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

People want compensating for Whitney Houston’s death

WHEN Whitney Houston died, everyone was hit by it. The fans mourned. Pop fans were plain ol’ shocked. Everyone was annoyed that everyone was talking about her, suspicious that everyone was indulging in some grief tourism, suddenly Houston’s number one fan, now that she was dead.

However, there’s another group of people who feel particularly aggrieved by it all – those are the guests staying at the Beverly Hilton Hotel the day Whitney Houston died.

They say that their stay was a lesson in abject horror, made unbearable by the commotion that surrounded the singer’s death. Furthermore, they’re cheesed off because the hotel has done nothing to address their dissatisfaction. That’d be the dissatisfaction brought about by an unforeseeable, remarkable event.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 20th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Whitney Houston had sedatives in her system and eyes turn to ‘secret son’ Nicholas Gordon

LIKE it or not, Whitney Houston wasn’t just any old celebrity. She was in the Jimi Hendrix/John Lennon/Marvin Gaye calibre of talent. Her voice, as an instrument, rivaled Coltrane or Keith Moon with what she could do with it, regardless of your tastes.

And like so many before, Whitney’s personal life got in the way of that gift and took her too early. And now, the circus of her death is the last hurrah of her tabloid being. The fullstop will surely come with an answer of how?, rather than why?

And preliminary autopsy results have revealed that sedatives were in the singer’s system. It has been claimed that prescription drugs including Lorazepam, Valium and Xanax were found in Whitney’s room and LA County Coroner Assistant Chief Ed Winter says the results of this preliminary test are likely to be made public this week and determine which of these drugs were in her system when she died.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 14th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Madonna’s insane stalker Robert Dewey Hoskins, now captured (sadly)

THERE’S nothing more that makes us scribes tick than some ginormous tragedy. When everything is glad and cheery, it is deemed a ‘quiet news day’. And so, regrettably, we have to report that Madonna won’t be getting slit from ear-to-ear by her crazed stalker, so then we can fawn over her in an obituary and all join hands in some circle jerk of community grief.

That’s right – the ‘very violent’ stalker who escaped from a mental hospital earlier this month has now been recaptured by police, according to official reports.

Robert Dewey Hoskins (Bob Hoskins?), who has a name that sounds like the kind of actor hired by the Coen brothers, had been jailed for ten years in ’96 after he scaled a perimeter wall at Madonna’s house and threatened to hack open the pop star’s throat if she didn’t marry him.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 13th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Madonna’s psychotic stalker escapes into the wild

MADONNA has timed her comeback to perfection. GaGa is readying new songs, Beyonce is being a mother and everyone is sick to death of Rihanna. Also timing a comeback well is Madge’s absolutely batshit mental stalker who has just escaped from a mental hospital!

Hurray!

Police are searching for Robert Dewey Hoskins and describe him as “a very psychotic man when not taking his medication and has very violent tendencies.”

Hoskins served a 10-year prison sentence after he was convicted of stalking and threatening Madonna. He scaled a parameter wall of Madonna’s house and said, if she didn’t marry him, he was going to slit her throat from “ear to ear”, which is absolutely the way to win a woman’s heart.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 10th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Adele talks about the curtain in her throat

ADELE is, like it or not, the biggest popstar on the planet. And yes, we intentionally left the door wide open for you to make your own jokes about that statement.

Anyway, Adele’s had a problem and its her throat. Again, make your own jokes. She developed a polyp on her vocal cord which, according to the gazillion selling singer, felt like “someone put a curtain over my throat.” She continued: “I could feel it. It felt like something popped in my throat.”

And so, she went off and “had laser surgery. [They] put lasers down your throat, cut off the polyp and kind of laser your hemorrhage back together and fix it.” Then, to mend herself, the really tricky part came – she had to shut the hell up for ages. As you know, Adele is a lass who likes to talks.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 9th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Lana Del Rey: living on hate and daddy’s hand-outs

HAVE you ever heard a cow giving birth? It’s a horrible, guttural, depressing noise. So to, is the appalling singing voice of Latest Hot Thang, Lana Del Rey, who has based her fledgling career on daddy’s paycheck, giant lips and making songs that take all their inspiration from 13 year old girl’s Tumblr blogs.

And yet, Del Rey has no idea why she has so many ‘haters’. Or, as they were once called ‘perfectly legitimate critics’.

This week, Lana saw Karl Lagerfeld piping up, saying: “Lana Del Rey is not bad at all. In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants?”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 9th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Jay Z and Beyonce try to trademark their own daughter Blue Ivy

WHAT is the nicest thing your parents have ever done for you? Did they buy you that mountain bike you always asked for? Did they pay you through university, where you met your fiancee? Did they split-up?

Well, Jay Z and Beyonce have decided that they want to do the nice thing of officially trademarking their daughter, Blue Ivy. That’s right. They want her to be an equivalent of a Dyson vacuum cleaner, according to the Washington Post.

They made the application after learning that the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office had already turned down two applications to use the name ‘Blue Ivy’.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 8th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Karl Lagerfeld points out obvious by saying Adele is a bit ‘fat’

PEOPLE in the fashion industry are obsessed with image. That’s their job. So when Karl Lagerfeld, while guest editing for Metro Paris, took it upon himself to note that Adele is a bit fat, he probably knew that womenfolk would go mental at him for being so shallow.

Of course, a good number of those women spat feathers while doused in Chanel perfume and gazing at Chanel clobber in the various image-obsessed magazines they read… but still… DON’T CALL WOMEN FAT! EVEN IF THEY ARE A BIT FAT!

Karl was asked about Lana del Rey, because she’s exactly the kind of trout-gobbed gal that will be snapped up by a fashion house for a gig, later to be snatched by H&M for a ‘celebrity range’. He said:

“I prefer Adele and Florence Welch. But as a modern singer she is not bad. The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice. Lana del Rey is not bad at all. She looks very much like a modern-time singer. In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants? She’s not alone with implants.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 7th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)