Posts Tagged ‘Music’
Teen Singing ‘Throb, Sean Kingston, Critical After Tackling Bridge On Jetski With Head
ADULTS may not be familiar with the name Sean Kingston, but the rampant childbots of the internet are. They love him. They love him a bit like they love Justin Bieber, but not as much because Bieber is much thinner and whiter than Sean Kingston.
Either way, he capture the hearts of youngsters with his hit, ‘Beautiful Girls’, where the junior crooner declared that they made him feel “suicidal“, which is peculiar for a young man with all that life of beautiful girls ahead of him.
However, here comes the awkward twist. See, Kingston is in a critical condition after crashing his jet ski into a Miami Beach bridge. Sean and a female passenger were injured when they careered into the Palm Island Bridge over the weekend.
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LeAnn Rimes Shows Off Her Incredibly Thin Body: Dogs Salivate
LEANN Rimes doesn’t just spell her name wrong and make really irritating country-pop while encouraging coal-eyed simpletons to dance atop the bars of the world, shortly before having their stomachs pumped of Jagerbombs.
No, she’s an alleged homewrecker too, running off with some married fella and getting him down the aisle herself before the whole America could throw up its arms in moral outrage.
And now she’s on her honeymoon, she’s having a gay old time, right? Wrong. Because everyone is pointing at her and being sick in their hands as they howl about her noticeable thinness.
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Posted: 31st, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Amy Winehouse Goes Back To Rehab – Again
REMEMBER the days when Amy Winehouse was famous for being a reasonably exciting singer? Alas, since then, she’s disappeared down a booze hole, leaving her career wide open for lesser acts to cash-in on. We’re looking at you Paloma Faith. And you Adele.
Yep, Winehouse only ever appears on the radar when she’s fallen over after a skinful or, briefly, re-emerged with some hilarious new breasts that looked like floating liquid in a space shuttle.
And now she’s in the news again and, predictably, it isn’t with talk of a new record, but rather, she’s off to rehab again.
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Courtney Love Slags Lady GaGa Without A Trace Of Irony
SOME of you might think that Courtney Love is in no position to slate anyone else for anything, ever. And you’d be right because, of all the people in the celebsphere, she’s one of the most grotesque and worrying.
Shall we weigh it all up? She’s famous for being a strung-out heroin addict who had her baby taken off her. She’s a woman who has one of the most unusual faces on Earth thanks to getting plastic surgery from someone we can assume has Parkinson’s Disease. She’s taken to ranting garbled messages on Twitter, some of which attack her only daughter. She’s demented enough to have shagged Michael Stipe. She’s posted pictures of herself online with no clothes on, only to foam at the baps about how there’s some kind of conspiracy against her.
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Quite Obvious Former Smackhead, Bob Dylan, Admits He Used To Take Heroin
TAKE one look at Bob Dylan – who just happens to be celebrating his 70th birthday tomorrow, despite looking and sounding like a 70 year old since around 1964 – and you think, there’s a man who used to like bags of heroin disappearing up his puny arms.
Even the photographs of him in his youth look like he was a smackhead. Of course he was! Just about every singer in the ’60s and ’70s was strung out on the horse at some point!
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Posted: 23rd, May 2011 | In: Music | Comments (3)
Peter Andre Won’t Be Dating You Famous Women, So You Can Breathe Easy
DESPITE barely registering on most people’s scale of celebrity, Peter Andre has an almost charming delusion that he’s a big deal. He takes his music very seriously (no, honestly he does – if he was any more earnest, he’d be a good replacement for the Montell Williams Show) and is very, very keen to remind us all what a good parent he is.
Not that anyone cares about his stupid offspring.
And now, for reasons unclear, Pete wants to inform us all that he won’t be dating women who are in the public eye anymore. Is that because they don’t tend to recognise him?
“I always thought they should understand your job, but given the option now I would like to stay away from dating anyone in the industry.”
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Posted: 22nd, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Snoop Dogg Wants Hip Hop X Factor
WHILE The X Factor appears to be set to take over the world, everyone else looks on wondering if they should cut their ears off with shears or, indeed, invent their own version which speaks to them instead of putting up with the histrionics of wannabes yet to learn subtlety.
And with that, Snoop Dogg wants to do a rap take on the successful franchise.
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Is Cheryl Cole Dating Steve Jones In Moist Publicity Stunt?
SINCE Cheryl Cole split with that dastardly greed-monger, Ashley Cole, she’s been somewhat billed as some kind of forlorn, sexless damsel, just looking for anyone, ANYONE to make her happy.
Of course, there were rumours that she was bumping her uglies with Derek Hough, but no-one can fully embrace the notion that he’s straight, so that didn’t run like it may’ve. There’s also will.i.am, but no-one honestly believes that he has any genitalia at all.
And so, while Cheryl is away backcombing her hair in America, and feeling all homesick, she’s apparently bunked-up with X Factor USA host, Steve Jones. That’s right. Steve Jones. Former T4 presenter and man so handsome that he makes armchairs aroused.
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Posted: 17th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Quentin Tarantino And Lady GaGa To Team Up For A Movie?
SEEING as Quentin Tarantino allowed Lady GaGa to use the Kill Bill Pussywagon in the singer’s promotional video for Telephone, it isn’t surprising that the film director is looking at GaGa and thinking of putting her in one of his films.
And what better way to try and sweeten the deal than by getting Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt to butter up the Judas singer while on a jolly at the Cannes Film Festival? Unless they tried to adopt her, which could be kinda irritating.
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There’s Nothing Cynical About JLS Wanting To Collaborate With Gwyneth Paltrow
BACKFLIPPING saccharine irritants and tepid pop dispensers, JLS, want to collaborate with Gwyneth Paltrow. Why? It might have something to do with the fact that she’s very famous, recently decided to become a singer, appeared warbling on an award ceremony with Cee Lo Green, married to insipid Coldplayer Chris Martin and is the talk of Tinseltown thanks to an appearance on TV smash, Glee.
Nothing cynical about that then.
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Whitney Houston Totters Off To Rehab While Prince Scowls At Her
GLASSY-EYED pop diva, Whitney Houston, is not having a good time of it at the moment. Or rather, perhaps she’s having too much of a good time and it has started to rot her brains and liver.
You see, the Bodyguard singer has had to return to rehab because she (allegedly) likes taking too many drugs and wolfing down too much booze.
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Robert Pattinson Wants To Bother Everyone With His Awful Singing
PERPETUAL bore and Twilight death-hunk Robert Pattinson has said he wants to reignite his music career. Did you not know he had a music career? Yes! He totally bought an acoustic guitar and likes singing his dreadful songs that sound like he’s got his genitals caught in a mangle.
See, before he stood very, very still and emoted one off into the faces of Twlighters, the incredibly tedious actor played in a band, like loads of misguided chumps! But this is Robert Pattinson, so it is more special, RIGHT?!
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Posted: 9th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)
Blake Sheldon Totally Doesn’t Hate The Gays
COUNTRY superstar, Blake Sheldon, has been accused of being a stinkin’ homophobe. Of course, what with him being a country and western singer, roughly 99.7% won’t be at all surprised at the notion of a God fearing dust bowl balladeer not being too fond of the gays.
However, Blake Sheldon is a modern, groovy kinda Stetson wearer and everyone has got him all wrong.
See, Sheldon is still taking his spurred boots from his mouth after he reworked some of Shania Twain’s lyrics on twitter, leaving “The Voice” coach apologising so frequently that he’s begun to look insincere.
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Cheryl Cole Confirmed As US X Factor Judge (With Added Subtitles)
POP-CULTURE mogul, Simon Cowell, really does have the softest of spots of Cheryl Cole. Apart from the boring ‘she works really hard and does as she’s told’ likelihood of favour, we shudder to think what she may have done to secure such a place in Cowell’s chequebook.
After transforming her from the most fancied one in Girls Aloud who may have smacked a toilet attendant in the face as well as marrying a self-serving footballing shit-basket to The Nation’s Sweetheart Of The Estates, Cowell now seems adamant in his endeavours to make Cole go global.
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Posted: 5th, May 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Lady GaGa Bans Ice Cubes And Eats Like A Dullard
SOMETIMES it feels like Lady GaGa single handedly revived pop. With that, it is fair to say she’s the current queen of pop culture, which gives her the chance to turn into a self-aware kook. God knows we need some oddballs in music at the moment, especially given that rock music is currently riddled with men who are about as thrilling as a post-match interview with Michael Owen.
So with that, GaGa has decided to ban ice-cubes from her concerts.
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Mariah Carey Wants Everyone To Guess Her Twins Names
MARIAH Carey is, of course, more mental than a tree filled with talking toasters. She became pregnant with twins, which left the universe considering implosion briefly. Could the human race stand Mariah gloating about her working ovaries? Could we collectively take the cloying praise bestowed on her little bundles of disappointments?
One person who doesn’t care about our feelings is Mariah Carey who, for some inexplicable reason, wants us all to guess the names of her newborns, who were brought into the world while Carey was listening to one of her own albums.
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Posted: 3rd, May 2011 | In: Music | Comments (3)
Steven Tyler Took American Idol Job To Irritate Aerosmith Bandmates
RUBBER duck faced, No Frills Mick Jagger – Steven Tyler – has been talking about his decision to take the American Idol gig. It seemed a strange decision to stick a supposed wild man of RAWK on the judging panel for a show that, in essence, churns out obedient pop singers, waiting for the zeitgeist to hit them, rather than create it. So, apart from cold hard cash and attention, what were Tyler’s motives?
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Posted: 27th, April 2011 | In: Music | Comment (1)
Lady GaGa Didn’t Mean ‘Retard’ Like That, She Meant It The Other Way
UH-OH! Lady Gaga is in trouble again! Why? Has she been wearing meat again, making vegetarians puke? Nope. Has she been living inside a hot water bottle made from tinfoil while wearing a hat made from scrota?
Sadly not. She’s got into a little trouble because she said the word “retarded”.
That’s right. When answering claims that she copied Madonaa’s ‘Express Yourself’ on her (infuriatingly catchy) ‘Born This Way’, she said:
“I’m a songwriter. I’ve written loads of music. Why would I try to put out a song and think I’m getting one over on everybody? That’s retarded.”
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Morrissey Talks About David Cameron, Like You Care
MORRISSEY, rock’s longest face, has refuted claims that he banned suet faced Prime Minister David Cameron from his dressing room at a concert.
The fact is, Mozza probably didn’t have to ban Cameron from his shows because the coalition leader will have no doubt been sneered at by bespectacled Smiths fans, all pathetically grazing his back with their well thumbed Morrissey scrapbooks, pomade and NHS hearing aids.
Seeing as Cameron is a Tory, he’s completely oblivious to criticism. You could call him the most unspeakable insult right to his puddingy head, and he’d spin it into some kind of discourse about something so tedious, that you’ll end up killing yourself at his feet, which he’d then use as encouragement to carrying the devastating cuts, as tribute to you.
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Israeli Prime Minister Hates Justin Bieber Or Something
JUSTIN Bieber has slowly been revealing himself as a little superbrat. An impressive feat seeing as he’s only a matter of minutes old, still dripping in amniotic juices and placental gunk.
Rumour has it that, despite not having grown a proper set of finger nails yet, the pint sized popstar is already cheating on his celebrity girlfriend, Selena Gomez, and has been caught flipping the bird at the paparazzi after they took his picture repeatedly (not that he likes the attention and the riches and privilege that comes with being someone in the public consciousness constantly).
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Fugees To Reform To Remind Us How Few Hits They Actually Had
RUMOURS are floating around some imagined pop ether, noting that the Fugees may be reuniting to peddle out old hits and remind us how irritating Wyclef Jean is, how mental Lauren Hill has become and just who Pras Michel is at all.
This is the first time a reunion has been suggested, but this time, producer Jerry “Wonda” Duplessis is weighing in, saying that they may be getting back together.
Why should we trust someone called Duplessis?
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Posted: 8th, April 2011 | In: Music | Comment (1)
Jay Z Loses His Mind And Becomes Fan Of Kerry Katona
JAY-Z, for the most part, is a man you can trust. He’s given the world a frightening amount of great hip hop records, shared fine artists like Rihanna via his record label and, of course, he’s married to Beyonce which shows he has impeccable taste in the female form.
Or does he? You see, J-Hova has clearly lost his bap as he’s apparently come forward as a fan of Kerry Katona.
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Posted: 6th, April 2011 | In: Key Posts, Music | Comment (1)
Glee’s Ryan Murphy Apologises For World’s Wettest Feud With Kings Of Leon
UNBELIEVABLY there’s been bad blood between Glee creator Ryan Murphy and Kings of Leon. A feud ensued between the two, looking for all the world like a battle royale involving butterflies and sleeping voles.
So pathetic was this feud that Gwyneth Paltrow was the mediator. Imagine a world where the wife of Chris Martin is an adequate referee between sparring foes. Imagine that, all toothless with a spine made from runny jelly.
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Posted: 5th, April 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment
Rebecca Black To Sue ‘Friday’ And Biting The Hand That Feeds Her While She’s At It
REMEMBER when everyone thought it was funny to go tell a 2 year old girl to go self harm herself to death for making a bad record? Those were fun times weren’t they?
Of course, everyone’s hatred and projected loathing saw Rebecca Black reportedly earning an impressive $27,000 per week, leaving her to cry amongst toppling wealth. That’s the usual trade-off in fairness and at least she got it out of the way before the agony of adulthood broke into her brains and turned her into a listless, jaded husk of her former self.
That said, this hallowed out feeling has already started to creep into the bones of young Ms Black as she’s decided to indulge in a very adult activity – no, not that kind of activity you lisping pervert – as she’s all set to take out a lawsuit!
And so, are we to assume she’s going for the jugular against though who made incredibly harmful comments against her? Don’t be stupid! She’s going after the people who facilitated her fame!
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The 20 Best Christmas Album Covers Ever
IT’S Christmas time. And in readiness for the office do, Anorak has been compiling the party play list. Leafing through Old Mr Anorak’s album collection, we bring unto you the Top 20 Album Covers Ever:
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Posted: 17th, December 2010 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (15)
