Top news from The Times, Daily Telegraph, The Indepedent and The Guardian newspapers
MICHELLE Obama is telling Times readers about “our all-American story”. And Sky news screams: “Obama ‘Assassination arrests.”
What’s more American than a dead President?
To the Democrat Party’s convention in Denver, and local police have confirmed three men are being held in connection with drugs and weapons offences.
They were going to kill Obama, right? They are a cell of the Obama Death Cult and they were intending to do their worst, right?
Over in the Sun, Sky’s sister organ, the news is a little less certain:
JERUSALEM POST (Israel): Is Rose Israel’s Madeleine?
Who’s Rose? Is she a Maddie by another name?
IN The tabloid Telegraph, readers learn of when Stuffed Alligators Attack!
Roads were sealed off as they staked out the creature, which appeared to be lying in garden bushes with the remains of a bird in its jaws.
Now read on:
BORIS Johnson, mayor of London, waves the flag in Beijing. And Ken Livingstone, the miserabilist former mayor Boris beat.. Is he bitter?
Says the Independent:
A fecund father of five himself, he will next day be appearing on CBeebies. “It’s about how to run a campaign about saving water. I’ve got to advise and then judge which team is the best, which I will hate.”
Happy days. We just can’t stop winning…
Becks lives in Los Angeles, so does Leona. But what the hell, they were born in London and that will do.
The Times leads with pictures of Londoners who live in London, and a load of tourists, celebrating the arrival of the fearsomely expensive sporting event in four years time They are waving flags beating the Olympics logo – that picture of Lisa Simpson felating on an unknown IOC member.
FEEL that seismic shift? That was the British economy coming to a halt.
INDEPENDENT: “British economy grinds to halt.”
FT: “British economy shudders to a halt”.
TELEGRAPH: British economy “shudders to a halt”.
Did you feel it? Did the Earth move for you..?
MAIL On SUNDAY: “McCANNS’ FUND IN £500,000 CHAOS.”
A team of private investigators working behind the scenes to find Madeleine McCann has been axed after being paid £500,000 from publicly donated funds.
“GIVE OUR HEOES A GONG,” says the Mail on its cover. Anorak senses a campaign, and one the Mail has every chance of winning (see Mirror).
Titles for one and all. And to go with the medals and ribbons, a valuable spot in the TV titles.
Peter Bradshaw is reviewing a film for the Guardian: It’s called: Zero: An Investigation Into 9/11
Good. How Christine Ohuruogu was allowed to compete for Blighty we will never understand.
But it turns out that the UK press is more concerned with “China’s golden girl”, He Kexin.
As Anorak has reported before, He is a She, such is often the communist world’s way at Olympics time, and despite He’s hairy top lip and deep baritone voice, He might only be 14.
GIVEN the level of paedo panic and Gary Glitter’s return, the Telegraph’s front-page picture of an older adult hand holding that of a child sends a shiver of revulsion in reader’s spine.
We examine the bigger hand for signs of stardust, Glitter, if you will, and wonder if anyone out there can identify the claw?
New is that, according to the Office for National Statistics, pensioners now outnumber under 16s.
Old Mr Anorak smiles and mutters something about it all being a terrific misunderstanding anyhow, and that he can now return to Wales.
The Mail puts it in more chilling terms: “DANGER CRIMINAL FILES GO MISSING.”
Those front-page words dice with a picture of Gary Glitter for our attention. Not all villains are now invisible. We have Glitter, and will watch him like a hawk at a nudists’ colony.
Liars blink less frequently than normal during the lie, and then speed up to around eight times faster than usual afterwards.
THE Italians are upon us:
They have survived two world wars, a sex scandal and the feet of thousands of visitors to the Berkshire country house of Cliveden, to conduct what must be the slowest invasion of Britain by an alien species.
For the past 110 years, a colony of snails has managed to crawl unnoticed from an imported stone balustrade brought from Italy in the 1890s, to claim a piece of British territory up to the terrace of the house just 27m (88ft) away.
A National Trust volunteer spotted the snails while cleaning some statues in the garden. It was the first time that anyone had realised that the Mediterranean mollusc had managed to establish a bridgehead into Britain – at the dizzy pace of about 25cm a year.
Insert joke about reverse gears on Italian snails here…
GARY Glitter. Let’s have a paedo amnesty. Hand in your paedo pics and videos and tell the cops where you got them. No action taken against you. How about it?
Carol Sarler writes in the Times:
With impeccably spun timing, while Gary Glitter hunkered down at Bangkok airport to avoid police interrogation at Heathrow, Jacqui Smith, the Home Secretary, took to the airwaves yesterday to announce new initiatives to prevent paedophiles from travelling as “sex tourists”. Snatch their passports, she cried. Ground them for five years. Nail their filthy feet to the floor.
Yeah, keep sexual deviants at home in the UK. Much better…
So what better time for a game of Tabloid Bingo!?
Eyes down for the front-page numbers of dead:
AMY Winehouse? Yes, she is alive. And d0ing what’s does best: making news.
DAILY MIRROR: “Sadie Frost worse for wear after evening with Amy Winehouse”
Arriving at Amy’s Camden pad at around midnight, the 43-year-old mother-of-four was all perky and smiley, holding hands with on-off toy-boy lover Kristian Marr.
We can only begin to imagine what happened behind closed doors…
MORE news from the Celebrity Police Force which has issued a statement that reads:
“The issue is not the act itself, it is the profile of fans that follow the act. Wiltshire police do not have an issue with Pete Doherty or Babyshambles.”
DAILY MIRROR: “Madeleine McCann: Nanny’s new sketch echoes picture of kidnapper”
That’s the picture on the left. For wont of name, we’ll call him Cool.
LACRYMOSE actress Gwyneth Paltrow is fronting the autumn collection of fur-lined boots and bags from the Italian company Tod’s.
PETA, Viva and (Noakes) why are animal rights groups named after Blue Peter presenters) are unhappy, as is their wont. Says the Independent:
The row is ironic, as Ms Paltrow enjoys a close friendship with the designer Stella McCartney. Following in the footsteps of her staunchly vegetarian mother, Linda, Ms McCartney refuses to use fur – in direct contrast to the views of her friend, who has in the past described it as being “feminine and very elegant”.
Ironic. Sure thing.
Silk is made like this…
THERE’S a new poll in the Guardian. The result gives the paper the front-page headline: “Change of leader would not help Labour beat Cameron.”
The statistics never lie – not even when 101% of the population respond…
STUART Hill, 65, moved onto Forvik by the Shetlands– 2½ acres of rock and grass – last June.
He has been living in the Shetlands since 2001 after capsizing a yacht 50 miles northwest of Forvik during an attempt to sail around Britain, an incident that led to him being dubbed “Captain Calamity”.
GLOBAL warming panic: rising sea levels:
People living on some stretches of coastline will be forced to abandon their homes and move inland as sea levels rise, the new head of the Environment Agency has warned –Daily Telegraph
THE 11,000 inhabitants of a tiny Pacific country that was predicted to vanish under water because of the effects of global warming have been given a reprieve because sea levels have begun to fall – Daily Telegraph
At least we can swim…
THE TIMES: “Sorry, no more babies. Eco-doctor’s orders…”
Says Judith O’Reilly: “On holiday you become a Hydra-headed ‘problem to be dealt with’”
Judith is talking about her kidzzz
MICHAEL Phelps has won seven gold medals… No eight… Now nine… And so on. Can you win too many gold medals?
In the Guardian Kate Rew is contemplating swimming with the Gods:
In the Olympics in Ancient Rome, the powerfully built swimmers (nude, like all the sportsmen, so the crowds could better appreciate the mastery of the human body) swam in the rolling currents of the Tiber.
Those ancient Greek Romans. Now they really good swim…