Top news from The Times, Daily Telegraph, The Indepedent and The Guardian newspapers
Liars blink less frequently than normal during the lie, and then speed up to around eight times faster than usual afterwards.
THE Italians are upon us:
They have survived two world wars, a sex scandal and the feet of thousands of visitors to the Berkshire country house of Cliveden, to conduct what must be the slowest invasion of Britain by an alien species.
For the past 110 years, a colony of snails has managed to crawl unnoticed from an imported stone balustrade brought from Italy in the 1890s, to claim a piece of British territory up to the terrace of the house just 27m (88ft) away.
A National Trust volunteer spotted the snails while cleaning some statues in the garden. It was the first time that anyone had realised that the Mediterranean mollusc had managed to establish a bridgehead into Britain – at the dizzy pace of about 25cm a year.
Insert joke about reverse gears on Italian snails here…
GARY Glitter. Let’s have a paedo amnesty. Hand in your paedo pics and videos and tell the cops where you got them. No action taken against you. How about it?
Carol Sarler writes in the Times:
With impeccably spun timing, while Gary Glitter hunkered down at Bangkok airport to avoid police interrogation at Heathrow, Jacqui Smith, the Home Secretary, took to the airwaves yesterday to announce new initiatives to prevent paedophiles from travelling as “sex tourists”. Snatch their passports, she cried. Ground them for five years. Nail their filthy feet to the floor.
Yeah, keep sexual deviants at home in the UK. Much better…
So what better time for a game of Tabloid Bingo!?
Eyes down for the front-page numbers of dead:
AMY Winehouse? Yes, she is alive. And d0ing what’s does best: making news.
DAILY MIRROR: “Sadie Frost worse for wear after evening with Amy Winehouse”
Arriving at Amy’s Camden pad at around midnight, the 43-year-old mother-of-four was all perky and smiley, holding hands with on-off toy-boy lover Kristian Marr.
We can only begin to imagine what happened behind closed doors…
MORE news from the Celebrity Police Force which has issued a statement that reads:
“The issue is not the act itself, it is the profile of fans that follow the act. Wiltshire police do not have an issue with Pete Doherty or Babyshambles.”
DAILY MIRROR: “Madeleine McCann: Nanny’s new sketch echoes picture of kidnapper”
That’s the picture on the left. For wont of name, we’ll call him Cool.
LACRYMOSE actress Gwyneth Paltrow is fronting the autumn collection of fur-lined boots and bags from the Italian company Tod’s.
PETA, Viva and (Noakes) why are animal rights groups named after Blue Peter presenters) are unhappy, as is their wont. Says the Independent:
The row is ironic, as Ms Paltrow enjoys a close friendship with the designer Stella McCartney. Following in the footsteps of her staunchly vegetarian mother, Linda, Ms McCartney refuses to use fur – in direct contrast to the views of her friend, who has in the past described it as being “feminine and very elegant”.
Ironic. Sure thing.
Silk is made like this…
THERE’S a new poll in the Guardian. The result gives the paper the front-page headline: “Change of leader would not help Labour beat Cameron.”
The statistics never lie – not even when 101% of the population respond…
STUART Hill, 65, moved onto Forvik by the Shetlands– 2½ acres of rock and grass – last June.
He has been living in the Shetlands since 2001 after capsizing a yacht 50 miles northwest of Forvik during an attempt to sail around Britain, an incident that led to him being dubbed “Captain Calamity”.
GLOBAL warming panic: rising sea levels:
People living on some stretches of coastline will be forced to abandon their homes and move inland as sea levels rise, the new head of the Environment Agency has warned –Daily Telegraph
THE 11,000 inhabitants of a tiny Pacific country that was predicted to vanish under water because of the effects of global warming have been given a reprieve because sea levels have begun to fall – Daily Telegraph
At least we can swim…
THE TIMES: “Sorry, no more babies. Eco-doctor’s orders…”
Says Judith O’Reilly: “On holiday you become a Hydra-headed ‘problem to be dealt with’”
Judith is talking about her kidzzz
MICHAEL Phelps has won seven gold medals… No eight… Now nine… And so on. Can you win too many gold medals?
In the Guardian Kate Rew is contemplating swimming with the Gods:
In the Olympics in Ancient Rome, the powerfully built swimmers (nude, like all the sportsmen, so the crowds could better appreciate the mastery of the human body) swam in the rolling currents of the Tiber.
Those ancient Greek Romans. Now they really good swim…
And amid the “GOLD RUSH” (Express, Independent), “OUR GREATEST OLYMPIC DAY” (People) is the news that plucky Paula Radcliffe, the country’s great marathon runner, DID cry when she lost and DID stop two miles from home, bravely finishing the race in scenes reminiscent of Reach For The Sky.
Just four years ago Radcliffe wowed Olympic crowds in Athens when she failed to complete the course, dropping out of the race she had no hope of winning.
Now to prove that was no fluke, the spirit-of-the-blitz and never-say-die Brit picked up her running spikes and…
Continues in all papers…
Given the history of Poland, the Sun’s headline statement solicits the enjoiner: “No, WE’LL nuke Poland”… “No, we’ll nuke Poland”…”No WE will”, and so on…
(Picture: Beau Bo D’Or website)
The initial threat, says the Telegraph on its front page, was issued by a representative of Russia, a country that has yet to nuke anyone other than its own allies in the former Soviet Union.
AFTER a cold all approach, a window trader was demanding a deposit for the £31,000 he quoted to replace a couple’s windows.
The couple, who have two young children, repeatedly asked him to leave before calling the police and handing him the phone so that a police officer could tell him to go.
And did the coppers buy any windows?
PSST! Wanna ogle an underage girl and discuss her chest size? Then read the Sydney Morning Herald, the paper that cares:
Lindsay Lohan’s 14-year-old sister Ali has reportedly had a boob job. The teenager – who will release her second studio album later this year – was seen flaunting her new curves at a Jonas Brothers concert in New York last week, sparking rumours she had gone under the knife to enhance her cleavage.
Let’s have a heated debate…
“Drugs epidemic wrecking Britain.” For Sun readers that’s “broken Britain”, being wrecked, or mashed, as we know it to be. “DRUGS BRITAIN,” advertises the Indy.
The bombshell figures — which reveal 2million adults have taken drugs in the last month — will fuel calls for a crackdown on celebrity drug users like Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty.
Before Winehouse and Doherty appeared, drugs were an Americanism for pharmaceuticals. Says the Sun: “More than 400 under-16s were admitted last year, compared with 272 in 1997.”
In 1997, Anorak can reveal that the country’s top stars were, in order, Timmy Mallett, Steps and Ally McBeal. Innocent days, indeed.
WHILE the tabloids splash news of Madeleine McCann – our Maddy/ Maddie – on their front pages, spinning the single thread story into a news sensation, the Guardian uses the missing child as a touchstone for arty matters.
Today John Morton muses: “Can fiction tell the truth?”
DAILY STAR: “SECRET A-TEAM IN HUNT FOR MADDIE”
In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground.
Desperate Kate and Gerry McCann have forked out £500,000 on an “A-Team” of former top spooks to find missing daughter Madeleine.
Can the plan come together?
GLASGOW DAILY RECORD: “She’s Not Maddie.. She’s My Daughter”
If the Hollies sang Madeleine…
The father of a blonde girl captured on CCTV in Brussels on August 4 came forward to reveal that the youngster was his daughter.
The blonde ice-cream-eating girl with the North African woman?
Belgian federal prosecutor’s office spokeswoman Lieve Pellens says: “Obviously for him, it was very easy recognising the girl accompanied by a woman in a veil. It’s her nanny, a young Moroccan woman who is qualified to look after children and works in a care centre.”
20 hectares of playground for the garden show: the farmland to the rear of the three steel hills and the entire tract of greenery from the Wyssloch Valley down to Lake Egelsee will be sprouting weird and wonderful objects to form an animated kind of front garden.
Paul McCarthy will be subverting the otherwise harmonious landscape sculpture of the Zentrum Paul Klee with his installation Complex Shit – a giant pile of dog faeces.
Oh, complex shit. Not complete shit. Silly us.
It was a swimming race like no other the Olympics has seen, the aquatic equivalent of Manchester United defeating Bayern Munich in 1999, or Padraig Harrington coming from nowhere to win the US PGA… But it wasn’t Phelps who did it. Rather, the Ole Gunnar Solskjaer of the American party was… – Jim White, Daily Telegraph
Continues for the duration of the Olympic Games…
THE SUN: “I’d bet all that I own it was her”
THE bank security guard who saw a child like Madeleine McCann insisted yesterday: “I would bet everything I own that it was her.”
The spotter in Brussels…. Is betting in the bank allowed? Is this a sign of the credit crunch? A bet’s a bet. How much you got?
The Belgian capital is tipped to rival Amsterdam as the sex capital of Europe.
Tipped by whom, the Sun’s man in the know?
It’s a claim to fame…
GORDON Bown is on holiday dressed in a hair shirt and Comfi-Slax, promenading with his good lady wife for five minutes and fifteen seconds of air of the most bracing sort. But the BBC won’t show you that. Because:
It was the mother of all conference calls. No fewer than 472 BBC staff were hanging on the telephone 10 days ago to discuss its coverage of the upcoming US party conventions. Yet more ammunition for those who say the BBC has lavished too much attention on the US elections already.
So many staff sharing one phone call is shaming. Guido Fawkes pulls on his Daily Mail hat and says this occurs: “Because there is no serious budget control, no profit motive and unlimited access to funds courtesy of a feudal taxation system to the benefit of the broadcasting barons.”
Or it might be because there are budget controls and 472 staff on one call is cheaper than enabling them to meet in a venue, the staff are cheap and, yes, the BBC is a junket…