Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Shopping list of the week was penned by Britney Spears. Someone dived into her bins and resurfaced with shopping lists.
Spears, we learn, likes Oreos, pasta, Sprite, gritz, Dr Pepper, flowers, Red Bull, pizzas, cheese, ham, “Boobs” and a “Nose (talk to nose guy)”.
Aside from being an adult human who shops like Yogi Bear, Spears’ shopping for body parts is a curiosity. Does she collects tits and nostrils, aiming to create the ultimate Hollywood museum of add-ons, exhibits to include Jennifer Aniston’s nose tip, Cher’s laughter lines and an introductory talk from the ‘living exhibit’ who bought Michael Jackson’s fire damaged hair.
Or are the words codes for a kind of Hollywood sustenance?
Dive, dive, dive!
Kim Kardashian’s pose for System magazine (see above) reveals how the porno-to-selfie star would would appear if she were buried in an earthquake and excavated hundreds of years from now, her skin and hair preserved by the unguents and lacquers of her age.
Future forensic scientists should note that the specimen can be reinvigorated with a sudden burst of flash photography and the cry: ‘Kim. Over ‘ere luv!”
The tableau you see was created by Mr Kim, aka Kanye West, who wanted to realise what her in doors would look like living in a cutaway ants’ nest whilst reassuring Travis Perkins and any number of quarries that Kim is available to endorse their products.
Anorak would pay good money not to see TV ‘funnyman’ Michael McIntyre, the Johnny Boden of comedy. We take comfort from knowing that among McIntyre’s biggest fans are members of a police helicopter surveillance team who spotted him on a London street, took a photo and tweeted it.
Officers from the London branch of the Met’s National Police Air Service posted the photo on their @NPASLondon twitter account. The tweet invited readers to play detective:
“Whilst on tasking in central London this morning we spotted a certain energetic funny man … Can you guess who?”
Says the Met spokesman:
“This tweet does not as far as we know constitute a breach of data protection legislation. The tweet was deleted because of a negative response on Twitter.”
Superintendent Richard Watson, of the National Police Air Service adds:
“We are aware of the tweet and as far as we are aware it does not breach any data protection legislation.
“We feel however it was inappropriate and it has since been removed. We will be speaking to the person who posted the tweet.”
If Watson can ask the uniformed pigeons to keep an eye on BBC breakfast news presenter Bill Turnbull, ITV’s Fiona Phillips and footy pundit Robbie Savage, and let us know when they are not working and it is safe to watch the telly, we’d appreciate it…
The Sun is delighted, noting:
Sophia endured years of cruel taunts — “fatty”, “man-beast”, “whale” and even “big jugs” from a young age…
Good of the Sun to stuck up for people with less idealised builds. Sophia weighs 13st 7lb. We don’t know her height, but
But, then again, this is paper that thundered “Fatties cause global warming” and “CHILDREN are getting even fatter”; branded anti-Page 3 MP Clare Short “Short and fat“; mocked Manchester United’s Wayne Rooney for not having a six pack; calls football fans “fatso”; and taught readers how to get a “bikini body in 10 days”, allowing “Sun fitness expert” Nicki Waterman to teach readers to be “taller and slimmer”, with a “smaller bottom”.
How many of those cruel kids who mocked Sophia Adam’s “curves” read the Sun?
TV works in seasons. Summer means Celebrity Big Brother. And that means a visit to Blighty for Farah Arbaham, famous for a sex tape and all the things that go with it: rehab, regret, ‘Made in Hollywood’ jugs and a rubber mould modelled on her primary sexual characteristics avilable to anyone in need of a novelty washing up glove or moneybox as Full-On Farrah Vibrating Pussy and Ass.
But things didn’t quite go to plan for Farrah. The chance to stick your penis or head inside a fake rubby anus shaped like hers (with ‘love tunnels’ heated to a ‘lifelike’ temperatute buy two ‘warming wands’) was not her ticket to fortune.
In January told InTouch where she says the release of her sex tape was a huge mistake and if she could take it back, she would.
“It made it hard to have friends and a private life and to trust family, who I feel use me for money. If I went back in time, I would not have done it. The sex tape ruined my life.”
Despite warnings from family who feared selling the X-rated tape would send a terrible message to her 4-year-old daughter, Sophia, Farrah did it anyway — and says she quickly realized it was a bad idea. “Knowing my sex tape was out there for everyone in the world to see … was overwhelming,” she says. “I wanted to hide my face and not go out or pick up my phone.”
One other reason it was bad idea was that those porn tapes don’t pay as well as the marketing states. The headline story was that sex movies are so rare that Farrah’s backdoor romp earned her $1.5 million. FOX411 said Abraham actually earned around $10,000.
Farrah is now much changed:
“Therapy helped me understand I can’t continue experiencing life [the way I had been], that I’m more special than sex tapes. Hearing others tell me my worth is [all based on] my body. … I’m stronger than that.”
Or as the Sun puts it:
The former star of MTV shows Teen Mom and Sixteen and Pregnant has cashed in once again thanks to CBB bosses, who hope she’ll make the series more X-rated than ever.
F0or a fee, she might…
Jackie Fuchs (aka Jackie Fox), best know as a mumber of The Runaways, claims she was raped by her manager, Kim Fowley, in front of everyone in the band:
Fowley had a phrase to describe his work—“doing the hustle”—and he applied it to all aspects of his life. He was sex-obsessed; it was a subject never far from his mind, a constant part of his patter. “In the ’70s, on a combination of beer and Quaaludes, you could take on a roomful of lesbians and tear them apart,” he was quoted as saying in the biography Queens of Noise: The Real Story of the Runaways. “The favorite sport then was squatting on a table and fucking as hard as you could when the beer and ’ludes hit, and then you would fall to the floor and roll around and come that way. That was the orgasm of choice in the ’70s for me.”
As he would admit to anyone, Fowley was mostly after teenage girls, or, in his words, “young cunt” or “dirty pussy.” In the June 1975 issue of Back Door Man, an influential L.A. ’zine, he spelled out his desires in a personal ad that included a cheesy photo of him in a white sport coat and white pants. It began, “If you are eighteen and like it or if you are under 18 and legally emancipated (with paper work) then you may have just stumbled upon the opportunity of a lifetime.”
Is Operation Yewtree active in the US? And, by the way, Kim Fowley is dead.
Karen Danczuk cheated on her MP husband with a salesman — whose heart she won by sending a topless selfie… she posed for him in sexy underwear on her marital bed while Labour backbencher Simon was away on parliamentary business.
Karen says she’s never cheated on Simon Danczuk. But Sun readers hear a “source” tell them:
“Karen told this fella she was madly in love and he fell for her big time… She said she didn’t love Simon… Everyone knows Karen is famous for her selfies but she’s never done a topless one — so you can imagine how this bloke felt when she whipped off her bra just for him! It’s a bit of a collector’s item.”
The bra or or the tweet? Can you collect tweets? And isn’t collecting bras a little, you know, creepy?
Yesterday when The Sun invited Karen to discuss the fling, she said simply: “Let me have a think about it.”
Topless pohoto of Simon Danczuk have yet to surface.
The judge turned critic at the trial of Phil Rudd, the AC/DC drummer sentenced to eight months’ home detention by a New Zealand court for threatening to kill and possessing drugs.
Judge Tom Ingram responded to defence lawyers’ pleas that without Rudd AC/DC were less, by opining: “Queen replaced Freddie Mercury.”
But perhaps the biggest laugh was scored by Rudd who as he left court told a reporter “to get a f*****g job pal, get a real job”.
So said the drummer…
And now for the pay off. Karen Dancuk is to appear on Channel 5’s Celebrity Big Brother. Having recently appeared on Channel 5 news to tell us that her life is private, a “telly source” says:
“In the last week following the break-up of her marriage she has become all the more marketable. CBB is perfect for her — as viewers will see a lot of her famous boobs and she will have more to talk about.”
Given her love of selfies, will Karen become the show’s first stop motion housemate?
The tortillas are, of courses, raw. The grooves are laser cut.
Make your own here.
Lee Scratch Perry’s Vision Of Paradise is the story of the great music man’s life. German filmmaker Volker Schaner tells Mojo about his film of the great Upsetter:
“There is something so mysterious and sparkling in Lee Perry’s music. I always wanted to understand this man and his cosmos, and to make a film with and about him.”
Perry’s music is a mix of the mystical, spectral and the touchable.
These are our top 10 Lee Scratch Perry songs:
Roast Fish And Cornbread:
Junior Murvin Police & Thieves
Justin Bieber took to Instagram and posted a photo of his naked bum. Why? We cannot be certain but Bieber watchers say it might be to prove that he doesn’t look like a lesbian, suffer from nappy rash, is ready for ‘big boys knickers’ and that living under the unrelenting glare of pop stardom has yet to see his arse tanned.
In today’s episode of Keeping Up with the Danczuks, we learn what it is and isn’t like to have sex with MP Simon Danczuk. Karen Danczuk, for it is she, tells the Sun:
KAREN Danczuk returned fire in her acrimonious split from husband Simon — claiming their marriage was “sexless”. She also called the Labour MP “controlling and jealous”.
Sweet Karen then reportedly called her estranged husband a “bad-tempered alcoholic”.
“There was no sex and we weren’t even kissing by the end. I stopped fancying him and we had no spark left. I used to think, ‘If he is cheating, then he’s not coming to me for it’, which was a relief.”
We can only wonder what else Karen would reveal were she doing interviews:
Demure Karen then reaches further into the knife drawer at the Rochdale home she and Simon used to share:
“People think he’s really calm and lovely but there’s a side to him they don’t see”
If only. It was only yesterday Simon was talking to the Sun. When they’re not slagging each other off on twitter, the Danczuks aappears to have the Sun on speed dial. Why they should talk with the Sun is something we can only wonder about.
“He’s always loved attention. All through our relationship I felt like I was the one in the background. It felt like everything we did was because he was in the public eye. I remember as I married him thinking, ‘When I do this next time I want a big white wedding with all the works’.”
Extra salami and a stuffed crust it is, Karen. Only the best for you.
Karen contionues to deny having an extra-marital affair with a personal trainer called Ben:
But Karen has taken a swipe at Ben’s wife Natalie, who has so far remained silent over the scandal. She claims the couple broke up themselves “way back in May” and also accused Natalie of having “fake boobs”.
Natalie has yet to pose for an accusation-busing selfie. But Karen’s breasts are ‘real’ – in facts, many think they are the most authentic thing about her.
Karen Danczuk might have the t*ts, but it’s her estranged husband MP Simon Danczuk’s supplying the titillation. He’s been talking to the Sun, which thunders:
I fear she shared her selfie with Ben for five months, says Simon Danczuk
EXCLUSIVE: MP’s hell over claims of his wife’s affair
From being ‘campaigning Simon Danczuk’, the MP for Rochdale has in recent days earned a new epithet – he is “DEVASTATED Simon Danczuk”.
And his talking to the Sun will come a surprise for the Indy’s Simon Kelner, who opines loftily:
How he must have been anguished to see the most intimate details of his marriage picked over in lurid detail, and with lip-smacking salaciousness, in the pages of our national newspapers (not this one, obviously).
KAREN Danczuk spent more than seven hours with her personal trainer as he stayed the night at her house. Athletic Ben Bate sneaked into the 31-year-old’s marital home late on Thursday — just five days after she split with husband Simon, a Labour MP.
Photos of the man are captioned:
Karen works out in the park with personal trainer Ben
Ben outside Karen’s house on Wednesday evening
He walks into the house
Looking out of the window shortly before midnight
Personal trainer leaves in the early hours
Thrilling stuff that any private dick should appreciate.
The pick of the photos, however, is the one labelled:
Wearing T-shirt for Ben’s gym
You can inherit mannerisms, skills and gestures. And your progeny can build on them and be better than you. In this video St. Louis-based beatboxer Nicole Paris and her dad battle. He’s good. She epic. There is only one winner:
Spotter: Leonard Beaty
TV land has banned the Dukes of Hazzard show because the featured car, the ‘General Lee’, had a roof decorated with the Confederate flag. What was good enough for a hit show in the 1980s is today’s poison. It got us thinking what else could have gotten the show banned? And we came up with one name: Daisy Duke. Played by Catherine Bach, Daisy Duke, with her white 1980 Jeep CJ-7, was an adolescent fantasy. In this collection of photos you can see Daisy in her ‘Daisy Duke’ short shorts stood by ‘Red Indians’, dressed as a French maid and using her primary sexual characteristics to flesh out the character. Ban it. Ban it now!
Two Argentinian pilots who allowed Greek Playboy model Viky Xipolitakis into the cockpit have been sacked. Patricio Zocchi Molina and Federico Matias Soaje, who thought it a good idea to let Viky play with the joystick during take-off, face eight years in prison and a $10 million lawsuit brought by 11 of the passengers.
The Buenos Aires Herald says the pilots have been charged with an “attack against aircraft security”.
But was it worth it?
Ms Xipolitakis, who tweeted the flight, has been banned from flying with the airline for five years. She now sees herself as a victim:
“I never thought I could cause such harm. I am deeply sad. I had a wonderful experience in the flight and never thought it could cause such fuss. I didn’t know I couldn’t go into the cockpit. The pilots should have told me not to. Now I reckon my life has been in danger.”
Did you watch Kanye West at Glastonbury? Good to see he’s overcome the crippling shyness. For that, perhaps, we can credit his wife, the fragrant Kim Kardashian (top notes or honeysuckle or base notes of jacaranda wood and sexy musk). Not a day goes by without Kim showing us one of her body parts, either from a new angle or covered in a rare by-product of the petro-chemical industries.
As Kanye gave full throat to one of his hits, he must have been delighted to look over the throng and see a flag depiciting sweet Kim giving full throat to one Ray J, the co-star of the sex tape that stoked her celebrity and launched the careers of a million Kardashians.
The Indy notes:
Ironically, the incident came ahead of a talk she is due to give on the objectification of women in media in Oakland, California.
Kim is thought to be speaking on behalf of the ‘Let’s Have More Of It’ side of the debate.
“He was overwhelmed that suddenly it was all about me! I think there was a bit of jealousy….It used to be all about Simon. I used to be his plus-one, but it changed dramatically and became more about me. Even at MP events, I became the star. Simon probably just felt a little taken aback.”
The Sun adds:
Before her rise to fame, Karen was happy in her role as MP’s wife bringing up their two boys Milton and Sebastian in Rochdale, Gtr Manchester.
Odd. Yesterday the Mirror said her sons were called Milton and Maurice? still, who cares about that pair when you have pneumatic Karen and her tweets.
“There was no blazing argument. There was a lot of tension that built up over time with how our lives were becoming very different. We just knew it couldn’t go on. There was a moment the next morning where Simon back-tracked and we both cried but my mind was made up by then. I finished it for the both of us.”
Karen went solo:
“It was difficult for him for me to suddenly be in the limelight, but I’ve realised he’s got his career and now it’s time for me to not only focus on the boys but also my career.”
And her career seems to be suppoted by the Sun, whose agont aunt Dear Deirdre opines:
…this sad story of a relationship foundering because a high-profile husband can’t stand the limelight shifting to his missus is pretty familiar.
Is that what happened? Who knows. All we know is that a vain, media-friendly MP and his flirty, fame-seeking wife are in the news. A stint on Love Island or Big Brother beckons.
And it should be entertaining. As Camilla Long wrote:
I have never met a family so chaotic. (During the interview she cries and then Simon cries, both swear and loudly slag other people off and everyone behaves as if this is a perfectly normal Sunday morning.)
Liam Gallagher is not as hard as his brother Noel, who survived being autograph hunted by Tony Blair. Physically, Liam’s a cloud of manboobs. We know this because Robbie Williams saw Liam in football shorts and nylons and tweeted: “Oh that reminds me @liamgallagher – I’ve got to take my old bra’s to the charity shop.” This follows Liam’s comment on Williams back in 2013. “We should be playing the Etihad three nights, not some f***ing fat f***ing idiot,” he told BBC 5Live. And, of course, Noel described Williams as “that fat dancer from Take That”.
In the old days being fat would have made you a jolly figure of fun. Now it means you’re a loser worthy of insult. But portly Gallagher and burly Williams should realise they are simply moving through life with their fatter-by-the-year fans. If the singers could forgo the evergreen and full ‘rock star’ hair they could blend in with the crowds at any 1990s revival show.