OK!’s new columnist is Mark-Francis Vandelli. He’s one of the leading gilded chins on Made In Chelsea, the show that lets anarchists and rebels get to know their enemies movements before the revolution.
Vandelli is billed as the “king of put-downs”, an effete Bernard Manning? He is also the King of “awkward clangers”, a boast that might explain his gait.
OK wants to know what fab paries the 23-year-old with the double-barrelled first name has been to?
“Fabulous parties are few and far between, because synergy between guests is rare. I’ve been to a lot of extraordinary parties, but the best have a positive vibe transfusing through people.”
Hearing that, Anorak would ask him what are the best drugs he’s ever taken at a party are. And if OK! is planning to pay him by the syllable…
OMAR Borkan Al Gala is too sexy for Saudi Arabia. The actor and photographer from Dubai, UAE, wss one of the three men booted out of Saudi Arabia by religious police for being too handsome. The Saudi religious police have branded Al Gala devilishly handsome.
POLICE found drugs and a stun gun on Justin Bieber’s tour bus in Sweden. Lars Bystroem, a Stockholm police spokesman, tells everyone:
“We conducted a search of Justin Bieber’s bus and found a small amount of drugs.”
This sound a lot like Bieber might be changing, or else the mask is falling off? Let’s consider the evidence:
GWYNETH Paltrow’s son Moses Martin is mega talented. She says his teacher praised the “spontaneous”,”actually brilliant” rap he performed for her birthday.
Moses supposes his farts smell of roses.
Moses supposes erroneously…
HOW goes it with the cool kids at Coachella? Jimmy Kimmel’s pops along to tell the gang about some great band that don’t exist. Are the festival goers fans? Yep. They are:
“What’s Keith’s room number,” asked Hunter.
“Suite 1017,” I said “But we have to go to Jane’s (his manager) room first and she will take us to Keith. He won’t open the door for anyone. Jane has to get us in. That’s the plan”
“Fuck your plans,” said the Beast who had just replaced the Nervous Fan of Keith Richards that had been with me in the car. “We’re going to Keith’s room.”
“We’ve got to go to Jane’s first,” I insisted..
“Fuck You. We’re going straight to Keith’s,” growled the Beast.
The pigs began to squeal as the elevator opened on the tenth floor. A few squeamish guests opened their doors to investigate the horrible noise, and closed them very quickly when Hunter brandished the sparking cattle prod. At the large double doors of Suite 1017 Hunter turned up the pigs’ volume and hit the cattle prod’s siren, screaming “Keith, Keith Come out,” and damned if he didn’t.
Keith seemed overjoyed to meet his hero, and Hunter was beside, under and over himself with glee as well…
RICHIE Havens had died. Best rememberd as the act that opened the 1969 Woodstock festival in 1969, Havens died of a heart attack in Jersey City, New Jersey. He was 72.
In this Dec. 1975 file photo, musicians Roger McGuinn, Joni Mitchell, Richie Havens, Joan Baez and Bob Dylan perform the finale of the The Rolling Thunder Revue, a tour headed by Dylan.
Richie Havens reprises his 1969 song “Freedom” at a concert at the Bethel Woods Center, Friday, Aug. 14, 2009 in Bethel, N.Y.
Woodstock ’69 veterans Melanie Safka, from, left, Judy Collins and Richie Havens get together at the Bendix Diner in New York, July 26, 1994. The trio introduced a Declaration of Civility and Kindness in honor of the Bethel ’94 concert for the 25th Anniversary of Woodstock.
Liberty Medal recipient filmmaker Steven Spielberg, left, is seen with singer Richie Havens during the medal ceremony in Philadelphia, Thursday, Oct. 8, 2009
IN I was Led Zeppelin Roadie 1971-74, one man rakes over the coals of his memory. You can almost smell the burning. After Spinal Tap’s roadie has finished recalling this and that, you can wonder about memories of Zeppelin here.
Members of the pop group Led Zeppelin and singer Sandy Denny, pose in London in September 1970 after receiving their awards in the Melody Maker Pop Poll. Led Zeppelin, John Bonham, left; Robert Plant, second from left; and Jimmy Page, right were voted top group in both British and International sections, and Robert Plant topped the British male singer section. Sandy Denny was voted Britain’s top female singer. Date: 01/09/1970
THE relationship between music and plants has been long muttered about, despite the fact plants don’t have ears. Prince Charlies plays songs to his shrubbery and even Stevie Wonder dedicated an entire LP to our flowering friends.
However, a new experiment has shown that Sir Cliff Richard’s music may actually kill our green cousins.
When you wake up in the morning with the worst hangover of your life, Metal Machine Music is the best medicine. Because when you first arise you’re probably so fucked (i.e., still drunk) that is doesn’t even really hurt yet (not like it’s going to), so you should put this album on immediately, not only to clear all the crap out of your head, but to prepare you for what’s in store the rest of the day.
Speaking of clearing out crap, I once had this friend who would say, “I take acid at least every two months & JUST BLOW ALL THE BAD SHIT OUTA MY BRAIN!” So I say the same thing about MMM. Except I take it about once a day, like vitamins.
In his excellent liner notes, Lou asserts that he and the other speedfreaks did not start World Wars I, II, “or the Bay of Pigs, for that matter.” And he’s right. If everybody took amphetamines, all the time, everybody would understand each other. Either that or never listen or bother with the other son of a bitch, because they’d all be too busy spending three days drawing psychedelic lines around a piece of steno paper until it’s totally black, writing eighty-page letters about meaningless occurrences to their mothers, or creating MMM. There would be no more wars, and peace and harmony would reign. Just imagine Gerald Ford on speed- he might manifest some glimmer of personality. Or Ronald Reagan- a blood vessel in his snapping-turtle lips would immediately burst, perhaps ridding us of that cocksucker. As is well known by now, JFK enjoyed regular injections of Meth and vitamins from happy croakers. ‘Nuff said. Hey may not have actually accomplished anything (except the Bay of Pigs- wait a minute, Lou hasn’t been doing his homework), but he had style and a winning smile.
You want it, don’t you? In 1979 Rolling Stone Record Guide’s Billy Altman called MMM “a two-disc set consisting of nothing more than ear-wrecking electronic sludge, guaranteed to clear any room of humans in record time.”
Now you really want it.
Rolling Stone magazine also compared it to “a night in a bus terminal”.
Paul Morley tells you what to expect:
Containing nothing but Lou’s all-time favourite thing – electric guitar and distorted feedback – MMM was 64 minutes of violent, spitting droning split into four vinyl sides of more or less the same cheerless, inert and shrieking length.
I predict by that time the general public will have grown ears and gotten hip enough to appreciate Metal Machine Music, so this follow-up, which I’m gonna call Triumph of the Will, will be the best-selling LP of all time and those ratfucks in Chicago can suck my asshole along with that little blob Elton John who could use some speed almost as bad as Leslie West but can’t have any of mine, because as I think it was Pat Ast said in that fabulous review of Coney Island Baby in the Soho Weekly News ‘I have seen rock’s future and its name is Lou Reed’”), a double album, you ask? Simple- the two discs are, according to Lou, symbolic of two tits (“There’s never more than two,” he explained), to signify that this is, albeit mechanized, a very sexy album designed to cut in heavily on the hot Barry White market.
Whoah! get back. You all want one:
Here’s Lou, happening:
In 1967, the FBI was keeping close tabs on The People’s Weekly, the communist party’s west-coast newspaper affiliate. They had an informant who knew his way around the circulation department and was feeding them names of subscribers.
Among them, according to newly released records, was Hunter S. Thompson, a high-flying, drug-addled journalist who had just written a book about riding with the Hell’s Angels.
The FBI began gathering string on Thompson, who moved from San Francisco to Woody Creek, Colo. (where, decades later, he would commit suicide).
The agency followed Thompson’s unsuccessful bid for sheriff of Pitkin County, in which the Freak Power candidate memorably shaved his head bald and began referring to the crew-cut sheriff he was running against as “my long-haired opponent.” (Thompson campaigned on promises to rename Aspen “Fat City USA”; to jackhammer the streets and lay down sod; and to legalize drugs for personal use. Profit-seeking traffickers would be put in stocks on the courthouse lawn.)
FBI agents interviewed Thompson’s mailman and other Woody Creek locals. They collected copies of the Aspen Wallposter, a bimonthly newspaper that Thompson edited with the artist Tom Benton; illustrations of a bloody-mouthed Nixon (spelled with a swastika) and “comments regarding law enforcement and the Director” caught the agency’s eye. The Secret Service was alerted.
All this and more is detailed in Thompson’s FBI file, which I got a copy of last week.
Photo: Journalist Hunter S. Thompson lets the camera have a quick look at his usually sunglass-covered eyes near Aspen. Thompson, the acerbic counterculture writer who popularized a new form of journalism in books like “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas,” fatally shot himself Sunday night, Feb, 20, 2005 at his Aspen-area home, his son said. He was 67.
VICTORIA Beckham wants to tell you about meal times with her kids:
“You know what [my children] say to me? Because I’m not the best cook, although I try really hard. They always say to me, ‘Mummy, we know that the main ingredient in what you make is love’.”
Spice up your life, Vicky! And use pasta and more meat…
THE Sun reports what many who get their news on the Internet knew: Rolf Harris has been arrested as part of Operation Yewtree, the police investigation set up in light of the Jimmy Savile sex scandal.
It is understood Harris vehemently denies any wrongdoing.
WHEN Tom Cruise came to Dublin for the premiere of Oblivion, he brought the California sunshine with him. And someone got to carry it in the form of red heater. reports Popbitch. As Tom press flesh and flashed his megawatt smile, behind him a man’s had the job of keeping Cruise warm, lest he go cold and shrivel up. And the heater man’s been warming Tom’s back before. This video from Vienna (you can see the heater at the 2 minute mark).
TAKING time out of working out ways to spunk her dad Bernie’s cash, Tamara Ecclestone get her kits off for Playboy. She tells s E!:
“I am so proud of this beautiful shoot. As a woman, I believe you have to embrace your body, and feel beautiful both inside and out! Playboy is so iconic, and for nearly 60 years, the magazine has featured some of the world’s most beautiful women in its pages. I am extremely honored to be part of this legacy as the magazine’s May cover girl!”
Embrace your body. And dip it in varnish and Photoshop. Then grap you diamond soap dish and the bigger diamond you use to feed the little people when the revolution comes…
IN May 1960, the Pink Pussycat School of Striptease (aka The Navel Academy) opened it doors in Los Angeles. Said school owner and President Harry Schiller in his first baccalaureate: “There are lots of girls who want to strip, but few know how.”
WHEN the BBC banned Judy Garland and The Wizard of Oz – it being what Margaret Thatcher would have wanted, or some such malarky (and has the Govrernment made her take an Atos test yet?) – we wondered about the singer.
THE Telegraph gives us this headline:
Great music is ‘as good as sex’
And illustrates it with a picture of a bird in her pajamas grinning at us under her headphones. Subtle, eh?
JUSTIN Bieber was once a Nazi SS wartime general, historians say. Experts who saw Bieber sign the visitor book at Anne Frank’s wartime home in Amsterdam - he wrote: “Truly inspiring to be ble to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she has belieber Would have beens” - believe the singer was once an SS stormtrooper named Helmet Wirth.
Wirth escaped to Paraguay. It is now believed his knowledge of genetics and suitcases full of baby skin and children’s organs enabled him to disguise himself as ‘Justin Bieber’.
“Wirth worked in the aural desensitisation zone at Auschwitz,” explains one historian. “His job was to test sounds to see if they could create non-surgical mass sterilisation. As former chairman of the anatomy department at the Reich University in Strassburgu, Wirth’s experiments on babies enabled him to rise to the upper echelons of the Third Reich.”
Wirth recorded his experiments. He would often sing whilst he worked. Anorak played some of Wirth’s tapes to a group of teenagers. Twelve year-old Jessica Hool from Basildon, was impressed:
“OMG! You can really hear it’s Bieber.”
Holly Jones, added:
“To think that thousands of murdered children were forced to listen to Justin Bieber before they were raped and murdered shows that the Nazis weren’t all bad. My nan had Procol Harem at her funeral. It’s just a matter of taste”
Bieber fan Milly Samson added on twitter: “Ho the fuck is Anne Frank? If that bitch takes my baby maker I’m gonna fuck her up. For shit!”
MALIBU Express (1985) is the first firm in Andy Sidaris’s series Bullets, Bombs and Babes. Wooden actors and top-shelf Pets played out scenes featuring beaches, bikini, wood-hewed hunks in trunks and imaginative ways to die.
Look out for such titles as: The Dallas Connection, Day of the Warrior, Do or Die, Enemy Gold, Fit to Kill, Guns, Hard Hunted, Hard Ticket to Hawaii, Malibu Express, Picasso Trigger, Savage Beach and Return to Savage Beach.
Hard Ticket to Hawaii was better still. The Frisbee scene being memorable:
NORTH Korea is preparing for war with the South. Meanwhile…in South Korea, Psy, the rapper who gave us the pony Gangnam Style, is pretending to be a black woman called Beyonce whilst dancing badly to Single Ladies.
Kim Jong-un or Psy? The two seem to have been separated at birth. But at least one of them’s an idealist…