Money in the news and how you are going to pay and pay and pay
[Will Ferrell] is by some accounts the highest paid star in Hollywood (Forbes said this year he was merely the 20th-highest-paid). On a similar note, I was stunned to learn that you have to pay money to watch Michael Moore’s movie about the evils of capitalism.
The recession is over. Says the Telegraph: “Diamonds begin to sparkle again”
The story is illustrated by this image of pearls.
Look out for “Pearls are the new diamonds” and other exciting shiny news.
The scammers call up their victim and warn them that their account is in arrears. They then ask for card or bank details in order to settle the account. If the person refuses or asks for proof, the fraudsters then offer to prove who they are by disconnecting the phone line then and there. Once the victim puts the phone down, the scammer stays connected to their line, thus giving the impression that the customer’s line no longer works.
How to spot a fake BT caller:
Does the caller sound as if they are talking down a tin can from a beach in Goa?
Yes: It’s BT
No: It’s BS
Does the caller ask you a series of questions about your personal life and then when asked for their full name reply that they won’t provide it because to do so is an invasion of their privacy?
When you ask to speak to a supervisor are you put on hold and forced to listen to how important your call is to BT and then after some minutes repeat the complaint you made earlier to a new person called Julie?
Having dealt with BT do you desire to plant your fist through a computer screen and declare war on India?
Is the scammer reliable?
Failing that, here’s our video guide – NSFW:
At the Caroline Charles show, at the BFC tent at Somerset House in central London, local mayor Boris Johnson got a front-row seat for his seat, and looked about as comfortable as a hamster with its teeth removed in Toa Bora caves…
BRIXTON in South London has brought out its own local currency to stimulate trade in local shops, for local people. It’s local news in a local setting in a local… etc. Anorak investigates the green shoots of recovery…
IN the USA, where everyone is a victim waiting to file a claim, a Franklin, Mass. couple would like Dunkin’ Donuts to pay them $200,000 in damages because their progeny, one Cullen MacLeod, 23 months, burned his neck on a “dangerously hot” hash brown.
It is said that the lad did suffer “serious and permanent burn injuries” after the hot hash brown fell from his mouth and onto his neck, where it “stuck”.
Indeed, dear reader, these parents are playing with fire: a) feeding junk food for a minor is child abuse, is it not?; b) where is the boy’s fork and napkin tucked into his collar?; c) isn’t a hash brown a gateway drug?
WANT to see how a fraudster Bernie Madoff spent your money? These are pictures of his Palm Beach holiday home on sale for $8.5m.
Headline of the day is in the Guardian, where in we learn about matter of child poverty:
Child poverty reduced if both parents go to work
Well, you can’t argue with the research.
Is this the most gratuitous use of breasts in an advert? Let’s take a look in what we call A Non-Gratuitous Look at Breasts in Adverts – and our favourite: tinned artickokes…
STUDENTS holding an account at Ulster Bank receive a goody bag, featuring free entry to an afternoon strip show at the local Metro Bar.
Where they can meet geography graduates paying off their student debt in coupons…
IF you like Budweiser, you’re an American who takes it in the can. If you like Budweiser Lite you like anal sex. Hey, Wazzzzzup…you?
The can is another name for a toilet, and anyone who has tasted Bud Light Lime will attest that the link between the beverage and licking a toilet seat dribbled in pet urine is apt.
This new viral online ad from DDB is meant, we imagine, to remind viewers that Bud Light Lime now comes in cans, while jokingly equating the drink with anal sex.
This might not be the best marketing ploy. And the cans pun has been done better.
Anorak recalls a pun of some years hence in which two John Smiths’ knotted hankies are sat on a French Riviera beach eyeing a challenging baguette. John Smiths is available in Cannes, though, so all is well.
In this Budweiser advert, DBB seduces new drinkers by reminding them that Bud Light Lime is the taste of anal sex.
“I never thought I’d enjoy getting it in the can as much as I do,” shares a housewife.
“I gave it to my boss in the can,” says an office drone.
“I’m gonna get it in the can in about five minutes,” says a young woman.
The link between anal sex and Budweiser is a stable. In this advert, onanist ‘Jim Scott’ buys a copy of Tongue In Cheeks Mag, gets a free vibrator and a huge phallus. Better had out hero been forced to buy the magazine to hide his shame at buying such a terrible drink, perhaps wrapping the jazz mags about his bottles to hide his shame?
BARBIE has for years taught would-be women haters, coroners, Jaycee Dugard’s alleged rapists, film goers, coke heads, Demi Moore voodoo model makers and all of them how woman can be pulled apart, burnt and reassembled into something far more imaginative.
Designer Margaux Lange is “fascinated with who the Barbie is as a cultural icon, her distinguished celebrity status and the enormous impact she has had on our society“. So she’s made bits of Barbies into jewellery.
None of those Barbie pudendum feature in the works, but Old Mr Anorak has for many years usefd them as gas masks for his Afrikakorps gerbil platoon as they re-enact the siege of Tobruk.
The rest can be made into these:
It looks like Adam’s condom, the one adapted from Eve’s fig leaf, or a tropical fish coming up for bait.
It turns out that the Ladybag isn’t for excreta but for urine. The woman pees in the Ladybag, sides saddle and Ladylike, and the absorbent polymers within turn urine into a gel that can be used to style hair or repel men.
Says Ladybag inventor Eva Tinter to Germany’s Der Spiegel magazine.
“It can be used in cars, or to avoid dirty toilets or at open-air festivals when you don’t want to queue. You can just nip round the back of the toilet and use this. There’s never been a product like this in this form.”
AFTER Microsoft was accused of trying to be relevant to the community it served by swapping the black man for a white boy, the University of Lublin, Poland offers courses in medicine that can turn a black Pole white and white Britisher black. Magick!
It’s lost in translation:
The Medical University of Lublin educated 14 thousand physicians (including over 100 graduates of the Englisha Language Division), 2.5 thousand dentists, 6.5 thousand pharmacists and 5 thousand nurses.
The University employs about one thousand people, including almost 100 professors, almost 90 habilitated doctors, and almost 700 Ph.Ds. There are 125 sites within the University – chairs, departments and clinics.
SWINE Flu: Thanks to Children’s Hospital Boston, Mass. you can now download an iPhone application that tells you where the swine flu is, and isn’t.
Boston, Mass. – A new iPhone application, created by researchers at Children’s Hospital Boston in collaboration with the MIT Media Lab, enables users to track and report outbreaks of infectious diseases, such as H1N1 (swine flu), on the ground in real time.
THE Snuggie – the fleece moomoo – “keeps you totally warm and gives you the freedom to use your hands.”
Anorak delivers to your the Snuggie Sutra, the Snuggie guide to keeping snug during sex.
And because “one size fits all” you only need one and wait for the orgy to come to you:
SENSITIVE to race issues, Microsoft has showcased its new black employee widget. Now you can work with black people without actually having to work with black people.
On the US Microsoft website, you can see this picture:
On the company’s Polish site, you get this picture:
Can you spot the difference?
That’s right. In the second picture the woman is not being raped. And she is not pregnant.
The Asian man remains proud of his superiors’ clean shirts…
The typical tourist or marketing professional using the machine will feel quite the little pencil squeezer as he takes hold of his Ayrton.
Your massive vibrating phallus could be reborn as a mealy-meal stirrer in Malawi; and that gimp mask is just the ticket for inmates at Camp X Ray.
Simply drop your clean used toy(s) in the mail, when we receive it in our warehouse we will have it cleaned and disassembled. The rubber, silicone, hard plastics, metal, e-waste and motors will be sent to recycling facilities that process the materials for reuse. Did you leave the batteries in? Don’t worry, we dispose of them responsibly.
And that is not all. Anyone recycling their sex toy will earn a $10 gift card to used againt the purchase of a new sex toy.
Britain appears to be on the verge of economic recovery amid signs that the worst downturn in decades may be coming to an end…. The positive news on the economy will be welcomed by Gordon Brown…
Very soon Britons will not have to turn to loan sharks for money to buy food and eggs and bread but can turn again to the banks and get credit cards to buy milk, eggs and bread at slightly less threatening rates of interest.
(A loan shark, Robert Reynolds, charged a woman a total of £88,000 over seven years to meet a debt of just £500 taken out to buy a computer.)
Bankers are good. Loan sharks are bad. Remember this handy guide, mums and dads: You are a banker. He is a money lender. They are loan sharks.
Wyeth? You know, the American firm that make the contraceptive pill.
Pope Benedict XVI, a Catholic, has called birth control a “grave sin“.
The bank – Pax means peace – seeks to make profit for its members and has a code of ethics:
PECUNIA ET PAX – THE ETHICS CODEX OF THE PAX BANK – An independent ethics advisory board for the Pax Bank was formed in 2002.
The Pax Bank works with the knowledge that money is a resource which must be earned, expertly administered, and responsibly multiplied, but whose purpose is not fulfilled until it is used for goals beyond the profit motive of the individual and that serve the common good.
The Pax Bank must hence mediate between Church missions, commercial dealings, and ethical requirements. It recognizes its Church origins to the same degree as its economic tasks, viewing corporate responsibility and ethical commitment as a unified whole.
ON the umpteenth day before Christmas. Mohammed Al-Fayed opened Christmas World in Harrods with loadsa fake snow, two Humbolt penguins all the way from the, er, South Pole and a Father Christmas (aka Al Gore), all the way from the er, North Pole, who says that thanks to his beard and robes he was held at customs for 42 days and questioned about links to Al Qaeda…
Snow in London in summer.
But the allegation is that this is no official Apple app, and the firm did attempt to “silence a father and daughter with a gagging order after the child’s iPod music player exploded and the family sought a refund from the company.”
WANT sunglasses that actually make things brighter? Of course you do – with HD Vision wraparounds. It’s European style – only American:
Indeed. While the forensics team swab the sofa, we tell you that the lot is from Burrough Court, which was once the property of Lady Thelma Furness, the woman who preceded Wallis Simpson in the affections of Edward VIII.