Money in the news and how you are going to pay and pay and pay
The debut is a “disaster” says the Sun on its front page.
The Mail takes it personally and leads with “TERMINAL DISGRACE – Luggage check-ins axed. Bags lost. Escalators paralysed. 34 flights cancelled… and it’s just Day One at the £4.3billion Terminal Five.” It’s a “national disgrace”.
Can Heathrow top that on Day 2?
And what coincidence that the turmoil occurs when French President Sarkozy is making his way home, or trying to? Is this all some dastardly plan to exact revenge on so many blockaded ferry ports, burning sheep and airport strikes that have done down the British traveller?
If it is, then passengers might be more forgiving, cheer, even.
The real victims of the credity crunch are wives, interior decorators, Martignettis…
Says she: “Inspired by the example of the generous Hamptons-based design firm which is now offering its stagings service at a discounted price to current/former/soon to be former Bear Stearns employees… I have decided to offer a discount on sessions to all current/former/soon to be former Bear Stearns employees. The discount is equivalent to the current value of a share of Bear Stearns stock. That is to say, $2.
All to the good. If you are going to shafted, it’s good to be prepared. Miss Victoria X offers:
The Mail looks at the Sunday Times Rich List and sees it concur with Lady Mills’ opinion that rather than being worth £400million, as stated in court, Paul is worth £825million. Readers learn that a column of forensic accountants are on the job.
Dr Philip Beresford, who compiles the Sunday Times Rich List, says: “All I would say is that we were surprised that the valuation of the music rights and business assets were so low.
“Also we wonder what has happened to Linda McCartney’s money – she was worth some £150million when she died. Also the (McCartney) children all seem to have gone very quiet. They were bleating before about money.
“We were wondering whether he had given them some slabs of money first to keep them quiet and then to keep them off his balance sheet. We were certainly surprised by the figures.
“Obviously it is in the interest of his accountants and himself to keep the figure as low as possible.”
If McCartney is worth more, would Lady Heather’s divorce settlement be altered to reflect the change in circumstances?
And no less vitally, would any one bother to read the Sunday Times Rich List and believe a word it says…?
The Telegraph says Mr Schooler’s customers include “royal palaces and the National Trust”.
The paper also notes that Mr Schooler has been presented with a bill for £30,000 after the European Union ruled that he was using the wrong sized bottles.
Mr Schooler uses traditional 37.5cl bottles. The EU states that the bottles must measure 35cl.
But perhaps the most interesting thing is that officials are not sure whether to classify mead as wine or spirit. Anorak suggest classifying mead as “revolting”. But rules are rules.
We urge Mr Schooler to force the EU to rule on what mead is. And then solicit the support of cultural arbiter Jonathan Meades to carry the fight, and also create slogan for mead, such as “I Feel The Need For Mead”, “Mead Is Murder For Thirst” and a cocktail called “Mead And Mild”, for your honey…
SOVLE all your energy firled issue with the Telsa Purple Energy Shield:
IF you happen to have “energy field” problems (or if you’re just very gullible) you can buy the “Tesla Purple Energy Shield” from Life Technologies for only $199.95. But what does the device do? Well, the “Energy Shield” which is pictured to the left is apparently a cure-all device for “energy” problems. It’s shown up on a bunch of websites for the purpose of protection from cell phones and all kinds of other harmless devices.
Depleted Cranium sees a similar amulet for less…
Starbucks must now pay its California staff more than $100 million in back pay.
Says Starbucks spokeswoman Valerie O’Neil:
“Starbucks believes that our shift supervisors deserve their fair share of the tips that they receive from the tip jars in our California stores,” the statement said. ”This case was filed by a single former barista and, despite Starbucks request, the interests of the shift supervisors were not represented in this litigation.”
Starbucks arrived in the UK and told its customers to enjoy “our coffee”, as if they had lent it to for a small fee.
If you could return “out coffee” when done, spit it back in the free handy container, or cup, Starbucks baristas could repackage it and loan it on as a Latte, or wait until it passes through the system for a Honey Frappuccino…
JEFF Randall tells his readers what a short sale is and how not to confuse one with a future.
Put simply: I know that you want to buy 100 shares in Jayar Junk. The shares are trading at £10 each. We strike a deal at that price, and I promise to deliver them in one week’s time. At this point, I still don’t own any Jayar Junk. No matter, my buddies at the Rumour Mill are about to go to work.
“At Downing Street upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn’t Blair,
He wasn’t Blair again today,
Oh how I wish he’d go away.”
Tory Shadow Business Secretary Alan Duancan says its Business Secretary John Hutton.
Not so, says Hutton: “I would write better poetry than that.”
This is John Hutton who can rhyme entreprenewer with sewer. So, perhaps, yes. Or no.
So who wrote the poem? And can you do better?
In the Times, Dutch wine producer Ilja Gort has insured his nose for 5million euros, or £4million
In the Guardian Mr Gort’s nose is priced at £3.9million.
In the Mail, it’s drooped to £3.8million.
In the Express, Mr Gort’s hooter is worth just £3.5million.
“Every time I look in the mirror I feel rich,” says Mr Gort.
And so long as he doesn’t take any settlement in pounds, he should continue to feel fine…
The guarantee is not for all time, and a glance at the small print, and a look at the opinion polls, shows that it will be voided at the next general election. There is also no money back guarantee and if the economy breaks you cannot have a new one.
He “urges the nation to put its faith in him”. If we all believe enough, we can make it. You just have to believe.
Mills gets £16.5 million plus the assets she currently holds worth £7.8 million.
SAYS SHE ON HER CHILD’S ALLOWANCE: “But Beatrice only gets £35,000 pounds ($75,350) a year. And so she obviously is meant to travel B class while her father travels A class – but obviously I will pay for that.
“£35,000 pounds doesn’t include her (Beatrice’s) school fees. He wants her to fly five times a year on holiday – £32,000 for two people on return fares, it costs, so that’s obviously not meant to happen any more for her. It’s very sad.”
“Basically Paul has always wanted Beatrice to go to a… private school… It’s the school that Paul chose. So in that way he’s got everything that he wanted. But that’s what happens with powerful people.”
So says Lady Heather Mills, aka Eleanor Rigby, aka The First Beatle, aka Penny Lane…
The Sun says: “But it will still make one-legged Mucca one of Britain’s richest women – and gives her more than £6million for every year of their marriage.
The Express looks at the figures: “But a source closely connected to the case claimed she will receive roughly £4million for every year of the marriage.”
The Telegraph does some, sums: “The reported payout amounts to almost £4 million for every year that the Beatle was in a relationship with the former model.”
Such are the facts…
In “Alistair Darling what a tw*t”, Ryder, whose Happy Mondays band provided a 1980s antidote to Black Monday, tells fiscally minded Daily Sport readers:
Darling is “one of those people who hasn’t just got a face you want to punch, he’s got a name you want to punch as well.”
It’s a double whammy.
“I hate Chancellors…Ok, Tony Blair might have invaded Iraq and Afghanistan, been embroiled in the alleged cash for honours affirm and changed politics for spin. But Gordon Brown was that c*** who out 9p on a packet of fags.”
As ever, the review begins with the vital stuff, the manna of British life: booze up; fags up.
A pint of beer will be 4p more expensive. A bottle of wine will be 14p more expensive. A bottle of whiskey will be 55p more expensive. If you are a cocktails man, you will be 73p-a-drink worse off.
And the ciggies. A packet of 20 cigarettes will rise by 11p.
The Government does not enjoy taxing smokers, taking their money. It wants you to give up. Of course, if you do give up, you might spend your money on something else, say, chewing gum. In which case, chewing gum will rocket in price and become taxed. It costs a fortune to clean it off streets. What is needed is chewing gum zone, paid for out of chewing gum chewers’ taxes, and policed.
YOU cannot help but notice that David Cameron’s kitchen is not too shabby.
Very soon all MPs will be setting up a camera in their kitchens. News is that MPs are now allowed to claim expenses of up to £10,000 for a new kitchen.
And they can kit it out. There is an additional £2,000 allowance for furniture and £750 for a TV or stereo. The one proviso is that they should own a second home. Or, failing that, they should invent one.
It all part of the so-called “John Lewis list” used by Commons officials to list maximum amounts for items.
MPs can claim items up to £23,000 per year.
That list in full:
CURLY says the Budget has hit Nissan Micra divers – it will cost £40 more to drive one…
THE TIMES: “The hangover Budget”.
The story is underscored by the Times, er, offer: “Eat out for £10.”
THE INDEPEDENT:” MR DARLING AND HIS BOX OF TRICKS.”
The image is or Darling holding his red box up over his face. All that remains of him in view are a body and a tuft of white hair. Is that a rabbit? Or Knut?
ZIMBABWE: “A US $100 bill in Zimbabwe now buys 20kg (44 pounds) of local currency, as Zimbabwe’s currency tumbled to a record low of 25 million Zimbabwe dollars per USD. Zimbabwe has the world’s highest inflation rate of 100,000%.”
Got any spare change, guv’nor…
SAYS Simon Carr on Northern Rock: “The Sketch’s recommendation is the imprisonment and/or the impoverishment of the directors. At least the public would get some sort of entertainment for their money.”
John Leaver is at his detached three-bedroom property in Caerleon, South Wales. All fixtures and fittings are in the garage.
The lodgers are out. Says he. “We agreed a rent of £650 a month. The rent was paid into my bank account on time and there were no reports of any problems.”
The looks on the front doors have been changed. So Mr Leaver gets a ladder and climbs in through a skylight. “I opened a skylight and got inside. It was pitch black. There was a young Chinese-looking guy standing right in front of me on the landing. I was frightened, and he looked petrified.”
THE Budget: 2The Iraq and Afghanistan wars will cost approximately $12 billion a month — triple the rate of their earliest years — Nobel Prize-winning economist Joseph E. Stiglitz and coauthor Linda J. Bilmes report in a new book.”
“CLIMATE change may spark conflict with Russia, EU told,” announces the Guardian.
This front-page story appears alongside the report: “Darling plans Labour’s greenest budget yet.”
Can the two tales be linked? Is this green budget delivered with a nod to Russia?