Strange But True | Anorak - Part 232

Strange But True Category

Weird, offbeat and bizarre news from around the world. Funny, strange & odd news stories that make you wince, laugh and fear for humanity.

A New Craze Is Porn

‘A NEW craze is sweeping Germany – porno karaoke.

The X-rated shows, in which blue movies are loaded into a projector and contestants (normally a man and a woman) have to provide the soundtrack, are said to be sweeping the country.

A premiere was organised in Berlin last month after a successful test run in the northern city of Hamburg and the trend has already spawned imitators in other major cities.

The crowd, which tends to find the show more comic than erotic, then chooses the couple that has given the most convincing, creative and ecstatic performance while faking an orgasm before hundreds of strangers.’

Posted: 30th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Claret Jog

‘FOUR local breweries are doing their best to persuade more people to give blood by offering donors a free pint of beer for every pint of blood.

The promotion by the United Blood Services of Durango also involved workers at the blood bank dressing up in Halloween costumes, including vampires.

Meanwhile, the four breweries are competing to see which one could collect the most blood.

The owner of the brewery collecting the lowest amount gets a special booby prize – hair dyed blood red.’

Posted: 29th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

The Orgasmatron

‘FORGET foreplay – a Texas company claims to have invented a device that takes women to a pre-orgasmic state simply by stimulating sexual nerve pathways to the pelvis.

Stimulation Systems says its Slightest Touch invention is designed to be used 10 to 20 minutes before sex and bring the wearer to a state of sexual readiness where the ‘slightest touch’ can trigger an orgasm.

About the size of a Walkman, the £120 battery-powered device, which works via a pair of electrical pads attached to the ankles, was invented by accident when one of the four co-inventors was trying to develop an electrical foot massager.

Company spokeswoman Cherisse Davidson said the device produced a ‘very gentle tingling sensation’ in the lower ankle, and ‘butterflies’ or ‘sparklers’ in the pelvis.

‘I prefer my sex with it,’ she said. ‘It intensifies the experience. The orgasms are more intense, they last longer and I usually have more than one.’

However, retired psychiatrist Stephen Barrett has his doubts. ‘That’s nuts. That’s bullshit. You’re not going to stimulate anything in the pelvis by stimulating the ankle,’ he said.’

Posted: 28th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Whiff Of Trouble

‘A MAJOR security alert was sparked off when a novelty dog toy which breaks wind as it bends over set off an explosives detector at a US airport.

Armed security staff sprang into action after something in the dog’s ‘wind breaking’ mechanism apparently registered as high explosive TNT on their equipment at Norfolk airport in Virginia.

Owner Dave Rogerson, 31, from Leeds, was grilled by FBI agents and looked on in amazement as they took a series of swabs from the replica animal’s rear end. They eventually returned the dog but stopped Mr Rogerson taking his planned flight to Charlotte, North Carolina, and rerouted him via Philadelphia.

‘They told me its was the highest reading they had for explosives and they took it very seriously,’ said Mr Rogerson. ‘They were very jumpy and convinced there was something explosive in the dog.’

He said the situation was made worse because he had placed his passport and boarding card under the dog as it passed through the sensor machine. When the agents demanded his papers he had to tell them they were in the isolation zone around the dog.’

Posted: 27th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Something To Judge By

‘JUDGE are a famously odd breed. And news from France that one of their number has been seen masturbating in court doesn’t surprise us in the least.

A magistrate, whose name is not mentioned in despatches, has been spotted pleasuring himself in a court in Angouleme. Witnesses to the fact number one lawyer, a woman in the public gallery and a journalist.

An investigation into the incident is underway, and the judge is expected to undergo some psychiatric tests.’

Posted: 24th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

In The Frame

‘WISHING to keep alive the memory of a great day out, many of us take pictures with a camera.

And it’s the same for idiots and villains as it is for the rest of us, a truth confirmed by reports of an incident in Hampshire.

A gang had broken into a school and set about smashing it up when they spotted a camera. So they took picture of themselves amid the devastation.

There is a particularly nice shot of them pouring paint into a computer.

Problem is that when they fled the scene they left the camera behind, so giving the police a pretty decent chance of catching them.’

Posted: 23rd, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Family (Mis)fortunes

‘IF there’s a soap award going for Most Dysfunctional Family, then close all bets now for you’re going to be hard pressed to beat the Barlows.

‘Mind who you call boring!’

There’s dad Ken (affairs too many to mention; fathered a ‘love-child’ with a deranged hairdresser), mum Deride (went to prison after falling for a manager of Tie Rack and then married a Moroccan waiter), son Peter (bigamy) and daughter Tracy (where to start?).

Peter has returned to the bosom of his (Addams) family to discover if he’s going to be charged with having two wives or not, although quite frankly that punishment alone is suffering enough.

Peter was startled to discover that his ‘sister’ was pregnant. “Crikey Tracy luv, I thought I had troubles but you! You’re havin’ a baby with an anorak-wearing freak who’s married to a bloke called Harold.”

Tracy calmly pointed out that she wasn’t about to take relationship advice from a bloke looking at six months in prison for bigamy.

Roy and Hayley are understandably concerned that, given Tracy’s rather ‘special’ mental state, she may back out of the deal to sell them her baby.

On the advice of their solicitor (who clearly went to the same law school as Judge Judy), Roy has proposed marriage to Tracy. “You have GOT to be joking,” she screeched. “I’m enough of a laughing stock as it is.”

Roy, not being as simple as his special needs tartan shopping bag may suggest, thought Tracy may be trying it on and pretending that he’s the father.

Roy went to confront Wally Bannister (the gardener who pretended to be a millionaire), to ask him if he could be the father. Wally was able to put Roy’s mind at rest by telling him that, as he’d had mumps as a teenager, he couldn’t possibly be the father.

Unfortunately for Roy, he doesn’t know that Tracy also had a dalliance with Steve McDonald. And according to the papers, Steve is the baby’s father.

Let’s hope for all concerned that the news doesn’t get out – the body count in Kill Bill will be nothing compared to the blood bath in Weatherfield if Karen ever finds out.

Elsewhere on The Street, Nick has started ‘dating’ Candice – although their dates seem to start and end in her bedroom. “I’m only having a bit of fun,” Nick told Martin, “but she’s getting so serious.”

Nick probably decided to confide in his step-father on the grounds that if anyone knows teenaged girls, it’s him.

Most incredible storyline of the year, however – even over the Tracy-Roy-Steve love triangle – is that Les Battersby managed to ‘charm’ a woman into bed. Les had told her that he was a record producer called Clint (“as in Eastwood”) and told her he’d like to “audition” her back at her flat.

Amazingly she fell for it. It will come as no surprise then when it’s revealed soon that Les’ new girlfriend is actually Fizz’s mother.’

Posted: 23rd, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Got Wood

‘LADDA Satiya, 66, felt very ill after ingesting poisonous mushrooms – a foolish thing to do, but she did it.

Feeling dizzy and breathless, the Malaysian woman sought help.

So, as anyone would, she contacted her local abbot, Pra Boonsong, at the Thepprasart Temple in Pattaya. And he lent her a carved wooden phallus.

He suggested Satiya swallowed a blend of rice and water ground up by the penis. This she did and soon felt much better.

But this medical wonder is not open to all us just yet since Boonsong is refusing to reveal the source of the penis wood for fear of forest devastation.’

Posted: 22nd, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Shoot On Sight

‘APPLEDORE FC are not an especially bad outfit. Their misfortune is that they play on a pitch that runs very close to the home of one Paul Vose.

And, as is the way with football, many balls have flown over the fence into Mr Vose’s garden.

Indeed, the number of balls to have made such a journey currently stands at 18.

Problem is that Mr Vose has locked the balls in his shed and will not return them.

Gary Ford, who manages the Devon-based team, is threatening to sue his neighbour.

“His garden is eight yards from the back of the goal. This is not a high standard of football – some balls are bound to go over.“

Says Mr Vose: “They should be better at shooting.”’

Posted: 21st, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Batteries Not Included

‘NEWS now that Germans are not all ruthlessly efficient. Police in Bremen are hunting a thief who might just be the country’s most useless burglar of all time.

Having broken into the offices of a timber firm, the villain ripped open the coffee machine looking for cash. There was none to be had – since it only accepted tokens. Our hero then nicked a mobile phone – which only works in the office – and an electronic cordless screwdriver, leaving behind the batteries and charger.

He then drank a can of Coke that forensics later revealed to have been one year past its sell-by date.’

Posted: 20th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

The Whole Tooth

‘POLICE are used to having to identify murder victims by their dental records, but it’s not often that suspects’ gnashers get them into trouble with the law.

However, Paul D Lee, of Indiana, found himself charged with burglary after his dentures were found at the scene of a crime. The teeth were found by a relative of the burglary victim, a day after the break-in – and it appears they fell out of Lee’s mouth as he committed the crime.

Lee, aged 39, was traced because an Indiana law requires false teeth to carry the owner’s name underneath the artificial gum. He was later allowed to keep the teeth after signing for them, although he is currently in prison awaiting trial.’

Posted: 17th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Body Of Christ

‘DUTCH priest Father Stefan van Dierendonck has left the Church because he is allergic to the wafers used in Holy Communion.

The 30-year-old, from Nijmegen, felt sick every time he took communion – when he was first ordained a priest and celebrated three masses a day, it made him so ill he had to spend the rest of the day in bed.

Tests later revealed he was allergic to gluten, but the Catholic Church does not allow gluten-free wafers to be used for communion.

In 1998, he got special permission to use low gluten wafers but it didn’t help.

‘It only got better when I went in a retreat in another abbey,” he said. “The diarrhoea stopped and I had no more complaints.”

He said the final straw was when the Vatican advised him to see a psychiatrist.

‘That did it,” he said. “I didn’t want to choose between faith and health.”

Posted: 16th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

It’s A Steal

‘BELGIAN firm Crime Control is offering to test shops’ security systems by sending out professional thieves to break in and explain how they did it.

The Leuven-based company says its thieves are never caught, but return all of the stolen goods afterwards – and then give advice on how shops can improve security.

Crime Control spokesman Kris van Limbergen said: ‘Our thieves are so good, they never get caught. Our clients are always very shocked to see what we have stolen.

‘They always think their security measures are too strict to steal anything.”

Posted: 15th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

New Elvis Record

‘NORWEGIAN Elvis impersonator Kjell Henning Bjoernestad has regained his world record by singing Elvis songs for over 40 hours.

Known to his fans as Kjell Elvis, Bjoernestad sang 786 songs in 40 hours, 8 minutes and 1 second – the time marking Elvis’s birthday of January 8 – thus beating the previous best of 30 hours and 10 minutes set by another Norwegian, Stephen Ackles.

Bjoernestad was said to be ‘hoarse but audible’ at the end of the singing marathon.’

Posted: 14th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Tracy Stays Mum

‘AND so it came to pass that the slut lay down with the anoraked freak and lo! a baby was born unto them. Although similarities between the Virgin Mary and Tracy are few and far between, the miracle of Tracy’s baby has certainly touched Deirdre and Hayley.

‘And here’s one I conceived earlier’

“The doctors told her she may not be able to have babies after her kidney transplant,” Deirdre told Hayley. “It’s a miracle.” Unfortunately Tracy doesn’t see it that way and is regarding her impending child as nothing more than a cheque for 20 grand.

Hayley and Roy have become increasingly worried by Tracy’s behaviour – drinking pints and smoking in the Rovers and now getting a job as a minicab driver with Streetcars.

They decided to tell Ken and Deirdre about the baby in a vain attempt to get them to make her take her responsibilities seriously. “T-T-Tracy’s having a baby,” stammered Roy, “and I’m the father.”

Tracy taking responsibility for herself, however, is about as likely as Alpay Ozalan appearing on David Beckham’s Christmas card list.

“You’re a freak!” screamed Deirdre. “It’s Hayley that’s the freak!” retorted Tracy, who earned a slap round the face from her mother for her trouble.

After plenty of chicken-necked ranting from the pair of them, Tracy and Deirdre have called an uneasy truce. “She’s carrying our grandchild, after all,” Deirdre told Ken. The pair have yet to discover though that their “grandchild” is going to be sold for 20 grand the moment it’s born.

Elsewhere in Weatherfield, Candice is causing her own fair share of trouble by dating her flatmate’s ex-boyfriend. Maria and Fizz came home to find Nick emerging from Candice’s bedroom looking very sheepish.

“The little cow,” muttered Maria. Which is a bit rich considering she not only slept with, but also got pregnant by, her former flatmate’s not even ex-boyfriend.

Peter Barlow has, sensibly, had enough of his women troubles and has left the Street. Lucy and Shelly are going for some long distance revenge, however, by clearing out the bookies of any profits every day.

“As his legal wife, I’m entitled,” Lucy told a worried Bev. “Don’t trust her, Shelly luv,” a worried Bev told her daughter. “She’s trouble.”

But the Street Psycho space that’s been vacant since the departure of the glorious Tricky Dicky looks like being filled not by Lucy but by Brenda Ferns, Bethany’s paternal grandmother.

Not only does Brenda love the Baby Jesus big time, she’s taken to dropping round to try and convince Sarah Louise to let her take Bethany out for long walks without her. Who knows yet what she’s up to? Perhaps she’s heard that Weatherfield is a Mecca for baby buying.’

Posted: 14th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Currying Favour

‘BUS company Travel West Midlands is hoping to boost passenger numbers with a balti-scented scratch and sniff timetable.

The Birmingham-based firm says 1,000 of the 30,000 leaflets (which also contain a guide to the city’s so-called Balti Triangle – the home of more than 50 Asian eateries) will feature the section.

Corporate affairs director Phil Bateman, explained: ‘We wanted to encourage people to go out for the evening by bus, enjoy a balti and a couple of beers, without worrying about driving home.

‘There’s nothing like the smell of a good curry to titillate taste buds, which is why we’ve created a special version of the leaflet.”

Posted: 13th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Stag Party

‘GERMAN politician Mathias Uhlig is campaigning for traffic lights to make bird sounds instead of the ticking noise used to alert blind people to when it is safe to cross a road.

Mr Uhlig, a member of the conservative CDU from Dusseldorf, thinks the bird sounds would be ‘idyllic’ compared to ‘that nerve-racking tack, tack, tack’.

But fellow politicians think it would be too expensive to change the signal – and potentially dangerous.

‘If a real bird sings nearby, a blind person risks walking straight into a car,’ Liberal politician Manfred Neuenhaus said.

And fellow Liberal Alexander Zeitz claimed high-pitched sounds were harder to pick up.

‘We’d be better off using the deep sound of a roaring stag,’ he said.’

Posted: 10th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Screen Test

‘MEXICO’S first lady Marta Sahagun got the shock of her life when she was giving a presentation to supporters of a children’s cancer charity and pictures of two naked men and one naked woman came up on a giant screen instead of the images intended.

Mrs Sahagun’s spokesman told the crowd it was all a mistake and that the computer they were using for the presentation was not theirs.

‘We are so sorry that this incident happened, but it was due to technical reasons beyond our control,’ he said.’

Posted: 9th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

On His Todd

‘AFTER 33 years of The Street, the ‘love that dare not speak its name’ has finally reached Weatherfield.

Ena Sharples would be turning in her grave

Some unkind critics have suggested in the past that the likes of Roy Cropper and Norris Cole were rather too fond of show tunes but that’s between them and Judy Garland. This week though, Todd Grimshaw and Nick Platt had the first on-screen kiss.

According to scriptwriters, Todd’s struggle with his sexuality has been building up for the past two years (well, he did turn down Candice, the Weatherfield training ground), but others see it simply as a ratings ploy.

Todd had been feeling increasingly claustrophobic in the flat above the bookies with Sarah and Bethany and their mounting debts. He turned to Nick as a shoulder to cry on but, unfortunately for everyone, it wasn’t only Nick’s shoulder that Todd was interested in.

Nick had come round to keep Todd company while Sarah was out and, after a Bacardi Breezer too many, Todd made his move. “Big mistake, pal. BIG mistake,” shouted Nick before rushing off into the night.

To be fair to Todd though, with his lip gloss, fake tan and hair gel, after a couple of drinks it would have been easy enough for Todd to have mistaken Nick for a girl.

Nick didn’t see it quite like that though and told Sarah that her boyfriend was “gay”. At first Sarah refused to believe it, but Todd tearfully confessed that he “hadn’t meant it” and was “confused”.

“I thought yer loved me, but yer can’t!” sobbed Sarah Louise before scooping up Bethany and running out of the flat, leaving Todd crying in the street, clutching a stuffed bear that she’d dropped.

It’s not clear how this storyline is going to pan out, but one thing’s certain though – if Les Battersby gets to hear of what Todd’s been up to, Todd will be following in Hayley’s footsteps with some unscheduled gender-realignment.

Elsewhere in Weatherfield, Karen and Steve’s divorce came though – just in time for their engagement party, held (where else?) in The Rovers. No-one turned up, however, as a protest of how the couple had pretended to everyone that they were splitting up.

“We’ll show them,” fumed Karen to a long-suffering Steve. “We’ll put on the biggest wedding this street’s ever seen.” Which given Karen’s taste will involve borrowing a set from Footballers’ Wives.

Katy and Martin are still living in sin, not surprisingly ignored by their horrified families. But hot new contenders for Weatherfield’s vilest coupling are Bev and Kieran.

Kieran and Sunita had a falling out when he had to stand her up to do an extra shift at The Rovers. At closing time Kieran was helping Bev clear up when he decided to make his move.

After telling Bev that he and Sunita had split up, he turned on the ‘charm’. “Yer still a beautiful woman Bev,” he smarmed, “And I want yer!” he continued, before falling onto her chicken neck.

When Sunita suggested he be more considerate to others, I don’t think this is the sort of Help The Aged charity work she quite had in mind.’

Posted: 9th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Ig Deal

‘AMONG the winners of this year’s Ig Awards, a spoof of the Nobel Prizes, was a team from University College London, who showed the brains of London taxi drivers were different from average people because they become enlarged in the zone associated with navigation.

A Japanese researcher was honoured for chemistry for his study of a bronze statue that failed to attract pigeons, while an Australian team won the physics award for their fascinating report, An Analysis Of The Forces Required To Drag Sheep Over Various Surfaces.

The Ig Peace Prize was awarded to Indian Lal Bihari for leading an active life even though he had been declared legally dead.

The organisers said he’d waged ‘a lively posthumous campaign’ against bureaucracy and greedy relatives. He was also the man behind the Association of Dead People.

The annual awards are handed out to people whose achievements ‘cannot or should not be reproduced’.’

Posted: 8th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Red Hot Dutch

‘WHEN a group of Dutch farmers’ wives turned up at their local cinema to watch Roman Polanski’s Oscar-winning film The Pianist, they expected to see a harrowing tale of life in the Warsaw ghetto under the Nazis.

What they didn’t expect to see was Michael Haneke’s La Pianiste, a film about a female piano teacher who is addicted to porn and fantasises about sadistic sex.

Unfortunately, Dirk Holemans, who runs Cinema Hollywood in Winschoten, had accidentally ordered the wrong film for the women’s monthly night out.

‘I noticed too late it was pure porno,” he said. “But in order not to spoil the ladies’ evening I went on with it.’

Hilly Klappe, chairwoman of the ladies’ group, said they had a very amusing evening.

‘We found it very interesting to see men can hold on for such a long time,’ she said.’

Posted: 7th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Brand Spanking New

‘AUSSIE brothels are said to be recruiting extra S&M specialists and stocking up on whips during the Rugby World Cup to cater for the needs of posh English fans.

Robbie Swan, a spokesman for The Eros Association, Australia’s adult entertainment industry said: ‘The upper classes in England, we know that they like spanking.’

He added that brothels were gearing up after being surprised by demand during previous big get-togethers and were trying to cater for fans from all countries.

Girls from a Sydney brothel called Stiletto greeted Argentina’s squad to the city with signs saying: ‘Care for a ruck?’

Meanwhile, the Boardroom brothel in Melbourne has decked itself out in the national colours of Italy and New Zealand, while The Daily Planet brothel is planning to lay on finger food.’

Posted: 6th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Girlfriend In A Coma

‘KATY celebrated her 17th birthday last week by slipping into a sugar-induced diabetic coma. Well, better that than yet another ‘surprise’ party organised in The Rovers.

What does Steve see in Karen?

Tommy had taken to locking his “little girl” up in the house in the vain attempt to stop her from seeing Martin Platt. Tommy hadn’t taken the news about Martin and Katy terribly well. After punching Martin in the face, he’d then gone about smashing up her mobile phone and changing the locks on the house.

“You can’t lock her up like some sort of princess in a tower,” raged Angela at Tommy over their daughter’s hospital bed. “She’ll just want him more.” But Tommy isn’t capable of rational thought, “beer” and “chips” being the only two words he can hold in his head at any one time.

Angela went round to try and convince Martin to give up his teenaged lover, but instead he invited Katy to move in with him (once he’d cleared some of his old cardies out to make way for her school uniform).

Understandably, David and Sarah aren’t best pleased that their dad is dating someone in their school and have refused to speak to him. Gail is more understanding though. “After the mess I’ve made of my life, I can hardly talk,” she told him sadly.

Sarah has other things to worry about, however, as she now has another mad menopausal woman (other than her mother), to deal with. Bethany’s biological father, Neil Fearns, died in a car crash last week and his mother has now befriended Sarah Louise, who went to his funeral.

“I see Neil in little Bethany’s eyes,” his mother ranted, “she’s like a gift from the Lord Jesus.” More like a living reminder of why condoms are really quite a good idea.

Karen and Steve’s divorce has come through, which means (in Karen logic) that they can get married again. “I want everyone to know I married yer cos I love ya, not for some stupid bet,” she wailed. Karen should take note of Peter Barlow and what a mess marriage has got him into.

Shelly and Lucy are out for his blood after discovering that the “forsaking all others” bit in his vows should have come with a codicil, “apart from the ones I’m already married to.”

The two avenging angels are determined to make his life an utter misery. They’ve already fly posted the bookies with “Peter Barlow is a cheat” and put an ad in the paper saying he’s not fit to run a business.

Peter has left Weatherfield to stay with a mate. Lucy and Shelly were less than pleased on hearing the news. “He’s probably chatting up some other poor woman as we speak,” spat Lucy.

As Peter’s legal wife, Lucy is planning on taking over the bookies. Peter is set to leave Weatherfield for good soon – wonder what odds she’d give on him being in panto by Christmas?’

Posted: 3rd, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Loser In Love

‘KENYAN Alfonse Mumbo, a 38-year-old former barber from Kajulu Wath Orego, near Kisumu, wanted to give his wife ‘a free hand to go after other men” – so he took up a blade and severed his own testicles and penis.

‘It was around 8 o’clock in the morning when I started feeling dizzy. My wife had left for the farm. I don’t know what came over me,” says Mumbo.

‘All I remember is walking around the compound anxiously and answering many calls of nature. I found myself disgusted with the penis and decided to cut it off.

‘I went into the kitchen, took a knife, undressed and just chopped it off. The knife was too sharp and before I realised what I had done, it was too late.’

Mumbo’s wife Penina returned home to find her husband in a pool of blood.

‘When I am walking around the village or going on safari, those who recognise me talk about me in low tones,’ says Mr Mumbo.’

Posted: 3rd, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Grassed Up

‘DESPERATE times call for desperate measures, and so it was that an Austrian man decided to hold up a bank and thereby pay off his debts.

So the criminal disguised himself as a woman and walked into the Attnang-Puchheim branch of Bawag Bank.

Threatening staff with a gun, he fled with about £7,000 in cash.

But his luck took a turn for the worse when he was spotted by a pensioner and a local man – who happened to be driving past on his lawnmower.

They pair gave chase, and soon caught up with the skirted felon, who was arrested.’

Posted: 2nd, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment