Posts Tagged ‘News’
Charlize Theron Thinks That Marriage Is For Idiots
MARRIAGE? That’s for idiots. Why on Earth would anyone want to get something as precious and fragile as love and get the government and church involved? You’re just asking for trouble. And Charlize Theron agrees.
The actress thinks that long-term commitment, not marriage, is the priority for her in a relationship. She can afford stupid rings and is the centre of attention wherever she goes, so sod dressing up like a meringue and throwing a party that is, essentially, the same as a funeral, but the star of the show actually gets to enjoy the post-gig drink.
Theron says:
“I really want for myself a long-term relationship, and I have been in long-term relationships. That’s the kind of union that I want. The actual ceremony is not something that is important to me, but I see the importance for other people.”
“I treat my relationships like marriages, I really do. [Marriage was] “never something that was important.”
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Posted: 1st, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Harrison Ford Thinks Shia LaBeouf Is A ‘F**king Idiot’
WHEN Han Solo speaks, the world better listen. And Harrison Ford is serving up some truth pie as he points out that Shia LaBeouf is a ”f**king idiot”.
Now, apart from the fact it is quite obvious that Shia is a monumental berk, what prompted the Bladerunner star to say such a thing?
Well, it appears that Indiana Jones isn’t happy that LaBeouf said that he had ”dropped the ball” while filming Indiana Jones and The Crystal Skull.
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Posted: 29th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Aged Princess Diana Appears With Duchess Catherine On Newsweek’s Magazine Cover: Photos
QUEEN of our hearts, Princess Diana, appears on the latest issue of Newsweek, photoshopped together with Duchess Catherine. That’d be Kate Middleton to you, who is waltzing around with one of Diana’s rings on. Anyway, the thought of the two together isn’t that strange as Diana would’ve been Middleton’s mother-in-law had she not careered into the inside of a Paris tunnel.
However, what is causing a kerfuffle is the fact that Newsweek have ‘shopped Diana’s image so it looks old. It would appear that whoever did the hatchet job hasn’t ever seen a 50 year old woman before, making Diana look like a regal Mumm-Ra.
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Posted: 29th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)
Charlie Sheen To Die Painful, Horrible Death Now That He’s Newly Single
TIGER BLOOD! That’s right, the meme-on-legs that is Charlie Sheen is of very little currency to us all now that he’s a crashing borebag. Months ago, when he was thrashing a knife around, punching furniture, tooting drugs and trying to have sex with everyone, he was fun (in a Watching Someone Nearly Die In A Formula One Crash Way).
Now, he’s tedious.
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Posted: 28th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Bieber’s Heavies Think They’re Above The Law In ‘Misunderstanding’
GYRATING period, Justin Bieber, has caused a near riot before setting his dastardly henchmen on the cops. Yep, you heard. Bieber is some kind of lunatic who thinks he’s above such small things as the law.
You see, what happened was Justin Bieber was launching his women’s fragrance (us neither. He’s also got a range of lady nail varnish out as well. Next week, Bieber sanitary towels) at Macy’s in New York City and it all went off. In the rumpus, Bieber was knocked to the ground, which made at least three people laugh.
Naturally, Bieber couldn’t just wave at his dangerous, death-threat sending fans from afar… he had to go and stir them up like a madman feeding hot screws to his rabid pitbull. The pint-sized singer deviated from previously agreed route he was supposed to take, making a man jump the barricade to help the hairless wonderboy.
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Posted: 24th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Vegetarian And Contrarian Morrissey Likes Lady GaGa’s Meat Dress
MORRISSEY is, as you may have guessed by his constant bleating, a vegetarian. He’s so staunchly vegetarian that he actually makes people decided to eat only meat, just on the off-chance it could irritate him. Constant haranguing never stopped people from doing what they do, rather, only provokes them to do more as an act of snidery.
Mozza has, in the past, walked out on shows because the smell of festival burger vans was making him feel sick, which is a bit rich when you consider that the overriding smell of a festival is faeces and badly rolled joints.
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Posted: 22nd, June 2011 | In: Music | Comments (2)
Paris Hilton Splits Up With Cy Waits, Which Is Frankly Tragic For Everyone On Earth
TRAGEDY! When the feeling’s gone and you can’t go on, it’s a tragedy. You know how it is. The pain of a break-up is incredibly difficult to bear as you lie in your bed, yearning for that big empty space to be filled again. The pan which you cooked meals for two becomes redundant as you being your tear-filled life with microwaveable meals for one and sleepless nights, wondering if love may ever gambol through your heart again.
Until then, the despair envelopes your entire being, leaving you feeling lost, hurt, betrayed and staring blankly into an unforgiving middle distance, once occupied by your dreams and happiness.
And these complex feelings of lost love will almost certainly be felt by two of the world’s greatest minds – Paris Hilton and Cy Waits.
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Posted: 22nd, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
La Toya Jackson Claims That Michael Was Murdered Like A Mad Conspiracy Theorist (Photos)
MURDER! That’s what Officer La Toya Jackson is crying at the moment about the untimely passing of her very dead brother, Michael Jackson.
What would make her say such a thing? A quest for the truth? Or is it to promote her new new autobiography, ‘Starting Over’? We don’t need to answer that do we? So what is La Toya ‘David Icke’ Jackson claiming then? Bizarrely, she seems to be suggesting that he was murdered for his music catalogue.
La Toya says that Michael feared that there were people who wanted him dead so they could steal his music estate.
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Posted: 21st, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)
Barely Known Actor From Green Mile Gains Notoriety For Being 51 And Marrying 16 Year Old Beauty Queen
YOU may not know the name Doug Hutchison and indeed, may look at his face and think ‘Uh… maybe… was he in… wait… no… that’s someone else. Go on, what has he done?’ Well, if by ‘done’ you mean ‘roles as an actor’, then he was in The Green Mile and Lost.
However, if you mean ‘done’, as in, ‘gone and married a 16 year old beauty queen’, then Doug is your man! You see, he’s gone all Jerry Lee Lewis and decided to hitch up with someone he legally can’t have sex with in loads of US States.
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Posted: 21st, June 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)
Stella Mouzi Photos: Gibson Isn’t Racist Or Woman-Hating Because He Has A New Not-White Girlfriend, So There
OKAY, Mel Gibson may well have dropped the N-bomb on his ex whilst wishing a raping on her and, yeah, he may have come across rather Anti-Semitic that time… and yes, fair enough, he may well have looked like a woman loathing lunatic when he confessed to slapping Oksana Grigorieva in a police report, but you’ve got it all wrong.
See, the beaver-handed maniac has a new girlfriend. Who gets a girlfriend if they hate women? And she’s not all-American either. She’s a Greek gothic model called Stella Mouzi. So he can’t be racist can he?
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Posted: 20th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment
Crystal Harris Dumped Hef Over Other Women, Remarkably
IMAGINE the shock that rocked Crystal Harris’ mind when she discovered that Hugh Hefner – a man world famous for being surrounded by scantily clad women 24/7 in the Playboy Mansion, as well as founding a magazine that is also filled with naked gals – had other women in his life.
Harris, a professional derober herself, said that she “didn’t feel comfortable” knowing Hefner had these other women knocking around.
Seriously. She only realised this when they were on the brink of marriage. Amazing.
Apparently, Crystal had second thoughts about the whole Getting Hitched To Mumm-Ra thing because of issues surrounding monogamy and only said yes to his marriage proposal because he asked with a crew of cameramen. Monogamy issues! Here, we have a man who only has one erection left in his life because the sudden movement of blood will almost certainly kill him.
She told US TV show Entertainment Tonight:
“I wasn’t the only woman in Hef’s life. I didn’t feel comfortable in my heart knowing that and getting married to him, because a marriage is between two people. That’s not what our relationship was.
“It happened so fast. Hef asked me to marry him in front of three cameras and a photographer. I thought it was something I wanted.”
Meanwhile, Hugh, currently the same age as the Great Pyramids in Cairo, has been getting over his heartbreak by watching romcoms at the Playboy mansion with the other Playmates living there.
It’s depressing isn’t it?
Meanwhile, Hugh’s ex, Kendra Wilkinson, thinks the smut mogul needs “time to breathe” after the break-down of his nearly-marriage.
She said:
“I’m leaving him alone right now. He needs time to breathe and grieve. Obviously I feel really bad for him and the situation.”
She then presumably walked away into the night, laughing her tits off at his misfortune.
Claire Sinclair Photos: Playboy’s Playmate Of The Year
Hugh Hefner On Dead Fish, Bunny Tales And Urine : Photos
Carol Needham On Playboy And Page 3: How A Legend Was Made
Every Single Playboy Photo Ever Published: Kelly Brook To Marilyn Monroe
MUST READ: What’s It REALLY Like To Have Sex With Hugh Hefner?
Karissa And Kristina Shannon’s Naked Playboy Pictures
Henfer And The Shannon Twins: Putting The Jail In Jailbait
Hope Dworaczyk Is Playboy’s 3D Centrefold: Pictures (NSFW)
Posted: 17th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Justin Timberlake Is A Filthy Dope Fiend Who Likes Sticking Drugs Up Himself
SEXY back? Justin Timberlake is more likely to be indulging in blow-backs after he admitted that he “absolutely” smokes marijuana.
So there you go. Timberlake is nothing but a wretched stoner who is wheeling out the same ol’ line of ‘it helps me to switch off and relax’. Aye, and eat two thousand packets of Cheetos while giggling at monkey’s pissing in their own mouths in YouTube videos.
He said:
“The only thing pot does for me is it gets me to stop thinking. Sometimes I have a brain that needs to be turned off. Some people are just better high.”
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Posted: 16th, June 2011 | In: Music | Comment (1)
Sean Bean Gets Stabbed Outside Pub In Row Over His Bird, Which Is So Very Northern
LORD of the Rings star Sean Bean (pronounced Shaun Baun) has been stabbed. No really. He’s been stabbed with some glass by a man who intended to stab him with some glass. This isn’t one of those misleading stories where you’re vaguely told something and it transpires that you were being lead up the garden path.
Bean was involved in something of a scuffle outside a North London pub at the weekend. Sean was smoking a fag (not a euphemism) with his chum April Summers. She’s an ‘adult actress’ and many suspect that she’s the new beau of Bean after he got a divorce from his wife not too long ago.
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Posted: 15th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
Soulja Boy Was Hacked When He Did A Racist All Over The Facebook Gays
DESPITE the fact Soulja Boy can’t even hold the vaguest of notes while performing his odd, skewed take on rap-pop, he became something of a sensation. He got his swag on and everyone else forgot to utilise the primary function of their ears.
Soulja Boy, for those half a dozen people who still care, is also famous for getting involved in numerous ‘beefs’… that doesn’t mean he’s opened up a kitchen, rather, he likes slagging people off. And the latest people to face his ire are The Gays and Whitey.
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Posted: 14th, June 2011 | In: Music | Comment (1)
Selena Gomez Gets A ‘Being Brave’ Sticker In Children’s Hospital: Bieber Fans Pray For Her Death
DID you hear about Selena Gomez being rushed to hospital suffering from feeling pukous and having a eye-melting headache? Are you a demented Bieber fan who has been sending death-threats, cheering that she might die and that, in fact, your little voodoo doll actually worked?
Good for you. You must be thrilled, despite the fact Bieber still won’t ever take his miniature arousal anywhere near you because you’d inevitably kill his lust by constantly screaming at him.
Anyway, Gomez, has been getting lots of medical attention and it is thought that she has a combination of food poisoning and exhaustion. Everyone is looking at Beliebers as potential poisoners.
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Posted: 13th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Rihanna ‘Gropes’ Underage Fan And Parent Goes Mental: Photos
RIHANNA was once a really enjoyable pop-star. Now, she’s a controversy-machine, continually setting out to shock people without letting up, leaving everyone a little tired of the whole thing thanks to overkill.
And now, she’s outraged a mother by apparently ‘groping’ one of her fans who is underage. Of course, ‘underage’ implies that Rihanna groped the fan up her front-garden or something, which clearly isn’t the case or the headline would read ‘Rihanna Rapes Child’. Which she didn’t.
The photos, posted online at MediaTakeOut.com have been complained about by the girl in question’s family, which is invariably the source of great embarrassment to a teenage girl, now set for a life of bullying from her peers, thanks to her Auntie shooting her mouth off like a weird homophobe.
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Kim Kardashian Had An ‘Affair’ With Someone You Haven’t Heard Of: Launches Perfume
MYSTIFYINGLY famous Kim Kardashian (she’s the Kardashian sister who had a sex tape online if you can’t tell them apart) is getting married soon, which is obviously wonderful news for all of us adoring fans. She’ll be looking at her vast piles of money and wondering how she’s going to spend it on her special day – unlikely to be her last ‘special day’ in fairness.
She’s blissfully in love with some chap called Kris Humphries, who is some kind of American sports personality, thereby, completely unheard of outside of the United States of America.
What could possibly go wrong?
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Posted: 9th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Carol Voderman Wins Rear Of The Year Ahead Of Pippa Middleton’s All Encompassing Bum
DEBT selling number cruncher and policy-advertiser Carol Vorderman has won Rear Of The Year.
The odd thing about this vote is that pretty much no-one has mentioned Voderman since her carcrash appearance on Question Time when she revealed herself to be a mean-spirited, vinegar-faced harridan, provoking thousands of viewers to puke into their hands the second she started talking. About anything. At all.
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Posted: 8th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Simon Cowell Vomited Into His Hand At Ronan Parke Fix Claims
EMOTIONLESS Simon Cowell may seem, but there’s nothing wrong with his gut, as he produced enough bile to feel physically ill as claims of ‘FIX‘ swirled around him concerning warbling foetus, Ronan Parke.
That’s right. The desperately nauseous mogul felt ‘‘sick to the stomach” when an article claimed that 12-year-old Parke had already been earmarked as a winner for the wearisome Britain’s Got Talent – a show that also featured more than one elderly lady performing an erotic dance routine with some dogs.
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Posted: 8th, June 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Noel Gallagher Wants Liam To Come And Ruin A Perfectly Good Wedding
WARRING siblings, Liam and Noel Gallagher, haven’t seen eye-to-beady-eye since they collectively knocked Oasis on the head. A welcome relief for anyone with ears and at least one brain cell.
And thanks largely to the current crop of indie poppers all being dullards in tight, bollock-rupturing jeans, people still look to these bickering feather-cut headed has-beens for something to write about. With Noel getting married to Who Cares?, thoughts go to the fact that when families get together at a wedding, reunions can sometimes end in fistfights on the car park.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Wife Laughs, Then Probably Cries, In The Face Of Reconciliation
BICEP brained Arnold Schwarzenegger is probably sat somewhere on his own right now, silently weeping over photographs of his family that he destroyed when he forgot to put a condom on while entering his maid and then keeping the resultant child a secret for a decade or so.
He’s probably sent texts to Maria Shriver, his soon-to-be-ex who will take him to the financial cleaners, saying ‘I can change’, which are clearly very funny if you read them aloud in his voice.
Arnold Schwarzenegger And Mildred Patricia Baena’s Love Child Photos
However, Maria is not interested, making it abundantly clear that there’s absolutely no chance of her giving their marriage another try.
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Posted: 7th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Pink Has A Baby Girl On Twitter: Willow Sage Hart Photos
PINK has always defined herself by what she’s isn’t. She’s not some stupid girl, she’s not shallow, she’s not like ‘them’, she’s ‘fragile’, she’s… well… incredibly ordinary if the truth be told.
You see, while passing herself off as this outsider who managed to win over the mainstream, she’s actually just like every other singer out there who thinks that her personal life is in some way special to us all. She’s told everyone about her sexuality, her break-ups and rows and now we’re going to hear aaaalll about her new baby girl, which was planted in Pink’s womb by husband Carey Hart.
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Posted: 3rd, June 2011 | In: Music | Comments (18)
Rihanna Shoots A Rapist Dead
POP music has always traded on sex and shock to shift units. Elvis Presley used to gyrate like a man in the bath with a two-bar heater and Madonna made a whole book dedicated to making sheltered people gasp in astonishment (the rest of us were just sickened at the appearance of a shirtless Vanilla Ice).
And so, it isn’t really surprising when a new pop-star comes along and starts talking about taboo things. And, lately, Rihanna has been ramping things up. She made a record called S&M, which saw her talking about how much whips and chains excited her… and now she’s going to kill a rapist on our televisions.
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Teen Singing ‘Throb, Sean Kingston, Critical After Tackling Bridge On Jetski With Head
ADULTS may not be familiar with the name Sean Kingston, but the rampant childbots of the internet are. They love him. They love him a bit like they love Justin Bieber, but not as much because Bieber is much thinner and whiter than Sean Kingston.
Either way, he capture the hearts of youngsters with his hit, ‘Beautiful Girls’, where the junior crooner declared that they made him feel “suicidal“, which is peculiar for a young man with all that life of beautiful girls ahead of him.
However, here comes the awkward twist. See, Kingston is in a critical condition after crashing his jet ski into a Miami Beach bridge. Sean and a female passenger were injured when they careered into the Palm Island Bridge over the weekend.
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LeAnn Rimes Shows Off Her Incredibly Thin Body: Dogs Salivate
LEANN Rimes doesn’t just spell her name wrong and make really irritating country-pop while encouraging coal-eyed simpletons to dance atop the bars of the world, shortly before having their stomachs pumped of Jagerbombs.
No, she’s an alleged homewrecker too, running off with some married fella and getting him down the aisle herself before the whole America could throw up its arms in moral outrage.
And now she’s on her honeymoon, she’s having a gay old time, right? Wrong. Because everyone is pointing at her and being sick in their hands as they howl about her noticeable thinness.
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Posted: 31st, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
