Posts Tagged ‘News’
Miley Cyrus Has Some Gay On Her Finger And Angers God Botherers
DISNEY stars are always expected to be wholesome and Christian. If you get up to mischief, then you’re a ‘disgraced Disney’ alumni. If you are not a Christian, then you’ll probably be cast as a baddie in one of their awful films or TV shows. They’ve got a formula and boy howdy, are they sticking to it.
And so, Miley Cyrus graduated from Hannah Montana and decided to start acting like a irresponsible young adult, just like all the other brilliantly irresponsible adults around the world.
She was caught on video smoking a bong and she’s from a broken home. It’s fantastic. She’s kinda got away with it so far, but now she’s made God botherers cry angry tears all over their Bibles.
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Posted: 1st, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Mark Your Hats! Kim Kardashian’s Wedding Date Is Confirmed!
HAS everyone bought a hat? It doesn’t matter what type of hat you buy. A bobble hat will do. Even a verruca sock stretched over your bonce as a makeshift swimming cap will suffice. We need hats because there’s a wedding afoot which not one of us will be allowed to attend!
HUZZAH! It’s just like the Royal Wedding all over again!
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Posted: 29th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
The Heavens Rejoice As Lindsay Lohan And Paris Hilton Seem To Be Friends Again!
THE celebritiest people on Earth – Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton – were once bestest of pals, but alas, they did what all Typical Girls do and fell out over absolutely nothing, before indulging in a bitch-off, which was part funny, part horrible, part incredibly tedious.
But that seems to be all over now because they at food at the same table without murdering each other in cold blood! That’s right fans of fame! The celebutante and the actress had a dinner date at the Giorgio Baldi (brother of Gary) restaurant.
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Posted: 29th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Is It Weird That Amy Winehouse’s Clothes Were Being Handed Out To Grievers?
AMY WINEHOUSE’S death wasn’t pleasant at all. It’s always terribly sad when a young person dies, regardless of status or dependency on drugs.
And the general response has been pretty touching and pleasingly without too much hysteria. There was a quiet acknowledgement that, while her passing was sad, it wasn’t exactly surprising.
Fans gathered to have an impromptu wake near her house, disturbing the neighbourhood – which Amy would’ve invariably enjoyed.
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Posted: 29th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)
Lauryn Hill Has Sixth Child, But No More Music And Seeks Privacy On Twitter
REMEMBER when Lauryn Hill was one of the most thrilling popstars on the planet. She could rap like a champ and had a voice that came straight outta Soulsville. Basically, she was the Fugees. When she went solo, she only went about making one of the finest LPs ever cut to wax.
And then she vanished like a big selfish baby.
While we all cowered around our copies of Doo Wop (That Thing), she went and pushed out Zion David-Nesta, Selah, Joshua, John and Sarah with on/off beau, Rohan Marley.
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Posted: 27th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Crystal Harris Is A Massive Liar Says Hugh ‘Rubbish In Bed’ Hefner
SURPRISED as you were about Crystal Harris dumping Hugh Hefner days before their wedding, there was always something vaguely odd about their relationship. Maybe it was the fact Hef was this famous guy and she came from nowhere. Maybe it was the 3025 year age gap?
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Posted: 27th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Michael Jackson’s Trial Won’t Have Video Thanks To Worried Businessmen
WHILE Michael Jackson’s relatives cash-in on the interest surrounding the imminent trial of Dr Conrad Murray and his magical propofol, everyone has eyes squarely on the courtroom.
Will it be televised? Will Jackson’s naked body be displayed on air (you can titter, but this is a genuine possibility)? Will Dr Conrad Murray ever get anything close to a fair trial thanks to constant media coverage and opinion?
Either way, raw film footage of Michael Jackson rehearsing a planned concert in the days before his death isn’t going to be shown to the jury after a ruling from a Los Angeles judge, which is bad news for the prosecutors.
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Posted: 26th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)
Glee Producers Realise That Firing The Famous Cast Isn’t Too Great An Idea
GLEEKS the world over where literally apoplectic with a vague sense of mild irritation when they heard the news that The Famous Ones from Glee were getting fired.
Of course, Lea Michele, Chris Colfer and Cory Monteith were going to get handed their P45s because, in the name of realism (which the show clearly prides itself on – HA!), their characters were going to have to leave school after graduation.
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Posted: 25th, July 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Lindsay Lohan Too Broke For Psychological Treatment
WHAT does Lindsay Lohan do again? We can’t honestly remember. Is she some kind of clown? Either way, she’s constantly in the press for bad behaviour and reports of her brain capsizing like a champ.
After a series of brushes with the law, she’s been in-and-out of court more times than the Apple patent chaps. And now, being sued by a rehab worker who says LiLo twisted her arm a bit, she’s going through it all again.
And, while there, it appears that she’s let on she’s broke. According to her lawyer, Lohan can’t afford court-ordered psychological treatment.
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Posted: 22nd, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Britney Spears Getting Sued For Picking Her Nose And Farting Loads
ANORAK readers are, on the whole, disgusting pigs. So are we writers of this esteemed online publication. We all sit around eating our bogeys, winding off in our ill-fitting trousers covered in sex stains and generally making everyone else feel wholly adequate.
However, we’re all in good company as it transpires that Britney Spears is an absolute pig of a human.
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Posted: 21st, July 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)
Matt Damon Says The Incredibly Fortunate Brad Pitt Is Like A Prisoner
PEOPLE may say Matt Damon’s voice in a stupid voice all the time thanks to Team America, but he’s a happy chap. He’s got famous friends, loads of money and is surprisingly self-effacing and bright. Not many people in Hollywood can have that said about them.
And, most importantly, Damon is able to maintain a pretty normal life, unlike most of his peers. This is perhaps due to his largely forgettable face.
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Posted: 20th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
J Lo And Marc Anthony Split Over Infidelity, Jealousy And More!
WHILE a failed marriage must be very upsetting and distressing for those involved, its a whole heap of fun for those watching from the sidelines. Divorces don’t even have to be celebrity-based for us to hoot and howl at them, but it is all the sweeter when it does have famous people crying in it.
And of course, the big celebdivorce is Jennifer Lopez (still refusing to let everyone see her getting spanked in that sex video, the big spoilsport) and Marc Anthony.
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Posted: 20th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Demi Lovato Isn’t Courting Ryan Phillipe, Right? Now Get Lost
LADIES and gentlemen, here we have one of those magical anti-news stories. It’s commonplace for tabloids and glossy rags to tell you things that aren’t happening, so we’re going to join in.
The big non-news is that Ryan Phillippe and Demi Lovato are not dating. We’ve gone to great lengths to find out something that isn’t happening.
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Posted: 19th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
Justin Bieber And Selena Gomez Go And Spoil Someone’s Wedding
CHEEK! The absolute cheek! Warbling foetus Justin Bieber and his child-bride, Selena Gomez, were walking along a beach in Malibu together when they heard Bieber’s wretched song, One Less Lonely Girl, playing at a party.
Instead of being quietly pleased that his autotuned pap was being appreciated and getting on with his life, the little swine decided to go and steal everyone’s thunder by gatecrashing.
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Posted: 18th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
J Lo And Ex To Star In Awkward Reality TV Show Together
THE whole world was rocked to its firey foundation when Jennifer Lopez and someone called Marc Anthony (aka Booty & The Beast) decided to call time on their relationship!
‘You seemed so happy together!’, ‘You were the most perfect couple in the history of humanity!’, ‘Why didn’t you let us see that sex tape where you got your lovely bum spanked Jennifer?!’ cried humans into the ether, hoping that their words would float on the winds and into the sculpted ears of J Lo and that guy she was seeing.
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Posted: 18th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Victoria Beckham Spends £3000 On Stretch Mark Cream – Still Of No Fixed Talent
WHEN Victoria Beckham had her bouncing bundle of inevitable disappointment, the world sighed and was glad that she’d finally had a baby girl, so we could all officially stop caring. The last bit of fun we were to have was with her and her husband David’s decision to call her Harper Seven, which sounds like the seventh sequel to a cheap ’70s sci-fi show.
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Posted: 15th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (21)
Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt Are Definitely, Definitely Going To Get Married, Right?
That’s right! A big ol’ wedding for the couple and their thousand adopted children to attend!
How thrilling. No really.
And it appears that it will be happening soon, with a wedding set to take place within the next few months. And that’s according to three separate utterly unreliable sources.
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Posted: 14th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Morrissey Fans Searched For Their Meat At Gig
WHILE the big news of the week is the death of Czech painter Zdenek Sykora, one of the first to use computers for geometrical paintings, we’re more interested in meat.
That’s right, Morrissey continues to have his very public nervous breakdown over what people eat, which will hopefully end with the former Smiths frontman naked in a public square, weeping openly as he gorges on dripping burgers and stale fried chicken.
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Posted: 13th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Franco Arrested For Stalking Halle Berry, Despite The Fact She’s Barely Famous These Days
STALKERS! It is fair to say that you’re all completely mental, right? You become obsessed with someone, for pretty much no reason at all. In fact, you don’t even fall in love with the person, rather, an image of them. You may as well have sex with a photocopy and have done with it.
However, what’s even weirder is when people stalk those who are barely famous at all these days. Let us look at Richard Franco who has been arrested for stalking Halle Berry.
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Posted: 12th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Hugh Hefner Says He’s Not Dead – World Still Not Entirely Convinced
PLAYBOY founder and all-round oxygen thief Hugh Hefner has pooh-poohed rumours he’s dead, declaring: “I’m very much alive and kicking!”
However, people are still uncertain and are inundating the heart-broken old coot with requests to poke him with a stick just to see if there’s any movement.
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Posted: 12th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Creepy Taylor Momsen Gets Women To Strip Off While She Gyrates On Stage (Video And Photos)
THERE are people in this world who just can’t get enough attention. They crave it so much that they’re prepared to fling away their dignity just so we take some notice of them. However, in the case of Taylor Momsen – star of Gossip Girl and now treading the sticky floors of various gig pits with The Pretty Reckless – she’s prepared to lose everyone else’s dignity too.
Momsen – who we must remember is a mere SEVENTEEN years old – is rather fond of getting her boobs out in an attempt to shock all concerned. At one show, she got her rack out while her mum was stood in the front row. Was mother dearest egging her on? Seeing as Momsen was a child-star (she was in The Grinch and was very nearly chosen for the lead role in Hannah Montana), there’s a strong chance she’s the kind of pushy mother who will do anything to have fame, vicariously.
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Posted: 11th, July 2011 | In: Key Posts, Music | Comment (1)
Jennifer Aniston In Trouble For Gay Slur: Because Homophobia Is Good Box Office Unlike Racism
UH-OH! Jennifer Aniston is in a bit of trouble at the moment. No, it’s nothing to do with those thousands of episodes of Friends where she nearly had the whole world’s eye out thanks to a lack of bra under her vest, but rather, she’s said a homophobic slur.
Naturally, she’s isn’t some raging gay-basher, but rather, it is something she’s said in character.
Aniston plays a seductive dentist (sigh) called Dr Julia Harris in the new film, Horrible Bosses. In it, she tells her dental assistant:
“You’re starting to sound like a little faggot there, Dale.”
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Posted: 8th, July 2011 | In: Film, Key Posts | Comments (4)
Cheryl Cole And Simon Cowell Are Going To Kiss And Make-Up
HATE! That’s all that has floated between Cheryl Cole and Simon Cowell since the Girls Aloud singer got unceremoniously dumped from X Factor USA. Paula Abdul was in there, stirring the pot and making things worse like some horrific teen-film snide.
Of course, this might not be strictly true. Cheryl may have understood completely and thought “these things happen at work sometimes. C’est la vie.” Are we suggesting that this whole fall-out was a construct of the media? Heaven forfend!
If that’s the case, the story must be running out of juice because now it’s rumoured that the pair are burying the hatchet and going to play nice again after nearly two whole months of cutting ties with each other.
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Posted: 8th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
One Of The Kardashians Gets Called A Nasty Name In The Street By A Drunk, Which Is Fun
LOOKING at the Kardashian sisters, it isn’t easy to tell which one is which. They’re all kinda identikit women with the same haircut, the same dress sense, same initials and a penchant for galling attention seeking. Basically, the only way to tell them apart is to grade them by sexual attraction, varying from ‘okay’ to ‘get back to me at the end of the evening’.
Kourtney Kardashian is somewhere between the two poles, being the sister that isn’t as famous as Kim, but certainly not as unattractive as Khloe.
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Posted: 5th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Hollywood Is Dead: Angry Birds Movie Is Considered
HOLLYWOOD is not in rude health. People can’t be bothered going to the cinema in quite the same numbers as they once did. Quite right too as cinemas are the most joyless places on Earth with their smell of disinfectant and outrageously priced snacks.
The worst element of the movies is the films shown themselves, often being turgid, generic fluff dribbled out to saps paying a tenner-a-pop, for which they’re supposed to be grateful.
And the latest nail in cinema’s coffin is the announcement that we could very well be treated to a feature length version of the irritatingly addictive Angry Birds game.
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