Television and radio programme reviews, trailers, highlights, twilights and cinema news. Also the neglected gems from years past.
Have a heart for the live TV reporter padding out the known facts in the London drizzle. ITV goes live to its man in Westminster. Come in, Rohit Kachroo, who has Type 1 Diabetes (it was related to that):
— Daniel Bibby (@dbibby15) April 27, 2017
I’ve been there. I was on the radio once and utterly lost my train of thought. He did well to maintain his cool. And it does make you wonder why he has to be live on the scene at all? Very rarely does the TV reporter’s location ever add to the story? After all, they are there long after the incident on which they’re reporting has passed.
The Specials’ Too Much Too Young for the Nursing Home! As John Lydon says: “The Best Ska Punk Bands Ever.”
Emily Thornberry, Labour MP and shadow Foreign Secretary in Jeremy Corbyn’s Cabinet of anyone who lives within walking distance of his Islington home, is on Radio 4. She says: “There are people who poo who create a lot of jobs.”
Emily Thornberry: ‘There are people who poo who create a lot of jobs’ pic.twitter.com/nIAxEoLPd0
— Liam Taggart (@LiamMTaggart) April 21, 2017
That’s the jobbies sorted.
The President of the United States is on the LEFT.
“Excellent use of parentheses. Bravo caption writers.” tweets @Zoeparamour.
“Sometimes Breaking News comes at exactly the perfect moment” adds @Melissajpeltier.
They are, says the Daily Star, the topless pictures Scarlett Moffatt does not want you to see. They are the “sizzling pictures” topless Scarlett Moffat hoped had been “lost for ever”.
We are invited to see Scarlett go “completely topless in unearthed pics”. But how far into the earth did the Star have to dig to retrieve photos of topless Scarlett? One day after the papers were full of news that Scarlett, winner of last season’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, is to front a spin-off show, we learn that in 2013 she went “completely topless” on MTV’s Beauty School Cop Outs.
In case you missed it, in July 2016 the Mirror showed photos of topless Scarlett Moffatt getting a televised spray tan on the show. “Gogglebox star Scarlett Moffatt snogs Jeremy McConnell before stripping naked in jaw-dropping footage,” declared the paper.
That same month the Sun thundered: “The incredible moment Scarlett Moffatt snogs Jeremy McConnell and strips NAKED.”
But what about Scarlett being embarrassed by her “raunchy” past? Well, in June 2014, the Star told readers: “Gogglebox babe Scarlett Moffatt will flash her boobs for every England World Cup goal.” Said demure Scarlett: “I will flash my boobs for each goal.”
One month later, Scarlett told Star readers: “I’ve seen threesomes on the bar’ Gogglebox Scarlett exposes ‘soft porn’ of Magaluf mayhem.” Said Scarlett: “I’ve been working in Magaluf over the last two months now and have seen first-hand the crazy shenanigans that happen most nights. Yet to the tourists downing alcohol like water and spreading their legs more often than you lose coppers, it’s not that big a deal.”
The pictures are less the hidden photos Scarlett didn’t want to see than they are the topless photos that get an airing whenever the reality TV star scores a new job.
We join the action in 1969. A young Danish woman is being questioned by a TV reporter. He wants to know whey she’s traveling alone. She produces some papers to say it’s ok, her parents and the officials have approved hee walking in public. She shows the journalist “a document with a stamp from the local police chief, to verify her story.”
But he’s worried. He wants to know what precautions she’s taking to ensure her safety. So she shows him:
You know Celebrity Big Brother is dead when something better and harder-edged comes along to replace it. The Star trails the new show on its cover: “VIOLENT BBC STAR PULLED OUT Of HOUSE – Locked in ‘padded cell’ by security.” Slap a few cameras on the walls and you’ve a new take on Bedlam, the Bethlem Royal Hospital, where the insane were locked inside to be gawped at by the well of mind and examined by the sinister.
And the language hasn’t changed much since those dark days in the history of mental health treatment. “Bonkers Kim Woodburn,” begins the Star’s story. After or during a televised “row” with Jamie O’Hara, a former footballer once married to serial footballer-dater Danielle Lloyd, “the wild-eyed How Clean is Your House? star” [answer: it’s ****ing filthy] was “locked in a side room”, where she remained for the rest of the night.
Peering down at the CBB Petri Dish, we also learn that O’Hara “got hot and steamy” with Bianca Gascoigne, former footballer Paul Gascoigne’s step-daughter. “Producers think it is a matter of time before a full-blown romp,” we’re told.
We’ll leave you with César de Saussure’s account of Bedlam during his 1725 tour of London’s sights.
…either side of which are a large number of little cells where lunatics of every description are shut up, and you can get a sight of these poor creatures, little windows being let into the doors. Many inoffensive madmen walk in the big gallery. On the second floor is a corridor and cells like those on the first floor, and this is the part reserved for dangerous maniacs, most of them being chained and terrible to behold. On holidays numerous persons of both sexes, but belonging generally to the lower classes, visit this hospital and amuse themselves watching these unfortunate wretches, who often give them cause for laughter. On leaving this melancholy abode, you are expected by the porter to give him a penny but if you happen to have no change and give him a silver coin, he will keep the whole sum and return you nothing
Bonkers and Bonkers is coming to a screen near you soon.
When Danny Dyer’s character Mick Carter told EastEnders viewers the Queen Vic’s Italian supper was “Eyetie night” he triggered a “race row”. So bad is that the Daily Star, the paper that once cheered for the EDL, is aghast.
“Danny Dyer’s character made a slur against Italians,” trills the paper on its front page. By Page 3 it’s a full-blown “race storm”. Soap fans are in a state of “fury”. For those readers not au fait with racism and not yet furious, Lauren Clarke tells us, “Eyetie is a derogatory word for Italian people which emerged during World War Two.”
The Sun agrees. Danny Dyer is “‘Eyetie’ Order”. “The “insult” is used as “offensive slang” rooted in wartime.
Eyetie’s a bit like kraut, a slang term for Germans, which is a bit like ‘Hun’ or ‘Jerries’ – or Argie, a way of talking about Argentineans, which may or not be derogatory depending on what paper you read:
These are few articles in the racially sensitive Daily Star:
And in the Sun:
Zuch are zer facts.
The Daily Star presses f9 on the keyboard and gargles up news on Katie Price, the former glamour model “BACK IN CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER”. For those of you not watching the current series of CBB – yes, it’s still on – the knackered show features lots of Z-listers who unable to achieve lasting fame based on any talent have slinked back inside the house. CBB is a repeat, in much the way TV panel shows are: the same faces making familiar comments to deadline.
Given ubiquitous Katie’s busy home life, a few weeks on CBB must be akin to passing time in a retreat away from the public eye.
But she’s not on CBB. The Star’s headline contains a caveat: Katie will return to the show if “telly bosses hand her a huge fee”. How likely that is depends on the current crop of no-marks’ ability to entertain.
Over pages 4 and 5, the Star lets us know how that’s panning out. There is, as ever there was, talk of a “race row”. Apparently Stacy Francis was “edited out”. It might be an idea to first introduce the woman you can’t see (you can). Stacy is not former footballer Trevor Francis’ daughter, stretching the football gene that offers CBB beds and board to Paul Gascoigne’s step-daughter and George Best’s son. Stacey appeared on the X Factor’s US version.
Over in the Sun, we learn that Francis is embroiled in a “HOMOPHOBIC ROW”.
The tabloids look for racism and homophobia in a talent show contestant’s dust, supporting their front-page shockers with comments from Outraged of Twitter and viewers unable to notice that anyone watching CBB in the hope of being anything but offended is propped up on pills and pillows in an institution with the remote control just out of reach.
It’s pretty clear that CBB and its tabloid partners need Pricey. And when she enters the house by the revolving door Katie will spark controversy. She has made remarks about Calum Best – “comments too rude for a family newspaper.” But surely ok for one with a topless stunna on page 3 and adverts for onanists to get “quick relief” via phones and hardcore porn channels? Sadly no. The Star doesn’t share the comments. You’ll have to wait until Katie struts onto the CBB stage to hear them. Or watch recordings of her from a pervious show.
Strictly Come Dancing winner Ore Oduba is flanked by two blondes on the Mail’s cover. To his right is wife Portia. To his left is dance partner Joanne Clifton. “Strictly champ: I’ve neglected my wife,” declares the headline. Readers begin to wonder if the show was a mating ritual. Is sexual intrigue in the air?
Over pages 12 and 13 we get more. “Now I’ve got time for my wife!” thunders the headline.
“Oduba and his wife Portia – he’s identified by surname; she, who never competed but remained blonde throughout the pro-celebrity dance show, we meet on first-name terms – “have been married for less than a year”. The paper quickly picks up on the moment of Ore’s triumph, when he “looked straight into dance partner Joanne Clifton’s eyes and said, ‘I love you with all my heart’ as he held up the glitterball trophy.”
This was, says Laura Lambert. just another example of the 30-year-old BBC sports presenter’s “emotional side”. No kidding. But “once the cameras stopped rolling he was virtually inseparable from his wife.” But, boy, how he tried to shake her. No, only joking.
As for that suggestive front-page headline. when asked what he’d be up to over Christmas, Ora replied, “I’ve neglected my family. Same for Jo, we’ve been working so hard.”
In the Mirror, Ore reveals his “extraordinary journey”. We learn that Portia, a TV researcher, is based in Manchester, keeping her away from Ore as he trained for the show in London. They met at University. They were married in a “lavish” bash in Kent. Very soon they hope to start a family. Ore’s dad is a leading lawyer in Nigeria. Ore went to the very expensive Dumpton school in Dorset, a prep school for the even more pricey Canford public school. And that’s it. The extraordinary story is anything but. Public school boys meets Portia from Tunbridge Wells and gets a job at the BBC.
There will be movies.
Unless it’s all remarkable because Ore is black? Is that the key part of Ore’s “incredible life story” the Mirror trails on its cover? The Sun says it might be. A “source” says “because he’s a black presenter, the BBC has another incentive to given him more prominence within the channel.”
One minute you’re presenting daytime insurance programme Claimed and Shamed, the next you’re a symbol, an inspiration for the ‘black community’ and an ambulatory swivel-hipped message. It’s less a back story than it is a black story. And it’s pathetic.
If Ore is on a “journey” he might want to check if he’s allowed to sit at the front of the bus.
In its front-page farewell to Andrew Sachs, known chiefly for his work as Manuel, the well-intentioned and hapless Spanish waiter in Fawlty Towers, the Mail juxtaposes the actor’s portrait by the news “MIGRANT NUMBERS HIT NEW RECORDS”.
The Mail fails to say how many migrants hail from Barcelona.
PS: Andrew Sachs was born in Berlin in 1930.
The Daily Star has news on Ola Jordan, the former Strictly Come Dancing hoofer now being portrayed as a sex goddess, as her her contract with high-street seller of martial aides. On its front page the Star tells readers “randy dance babe” Ola “leapt straight into bed” with her husband “minutes” after getting voted off I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.
Like most of you, we thought pot-eviction the celeb were duty bound to chat with Ant and Dec. Maybe it was foursome? As we wonder what foe son just off camera, over pages 4 and 5 we see Ola and hear her reveals all about the sex – “He did get a kiss and a cuddle.”
But that’s not all. The Star has how it”exclusively revealed that Ola was set to become a mum after her jungle stint and last night the star confirmed the news.”
Wow! She went into the jungle knowing she was pregnant? Er, no. Says Ola: “Yes I would like to be a mum one day.” Best give those “sex toys” a rest, love. They don’t come pre-loaded.
Can you trust front-page headlines? The Daily Star’s cover story is that Ant and Dec have been in a “threesome” with “Jungle Scarlett”. Life moves pretty fast for Ant and Dec, the TV duo who just yesterday were triggering a “race storm” with “sensitive” Australians. Todays it’s a threesome with Scarlett, whose full name and title is “camp President Scarlett Moffat”.
Over two pages of I’m A Celebrity news, readers scan for sign of the threesome. And in the small print on page 5, we find it. Scarlett Moffat, “star” of TV’s Gogglebox “reckons she should team up with Ant and Dec as a Geordie trio”. For sex, right? For a threesome?
No. Scarlett made her views known not in the I’m A Celebrity jungle, rather in a book, in which she opined: “Imagine handing out with those boys all days and having a laugh.”
Yeah, just imagine that. Although if you’re a Daily Star reader, you’re most likely blown 30p imagining so much more.
Hats off to the Daily Star for one of the most absurd and joyous front pages. The paper brings news that Ant and Dec are in a “RACE STORM.
Ant and Dec are the faces of ITV’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, a show that’s been running so long the local wildlife has unionised.
The story is that Ant and Dec have insulted “sensitive Australians” by calling them “uncouth layabouts who rarely wash. The paper’s bit about the Poms’ joke upsetting “sensitive” Aussies is brilliant.
Years and years of storied abuse between the English and the Australians and the Star sets new standards. No longer rugged and tough, Aussies are “sensitive”.
It’s all very touchy feely Down Under.
Books. Ever hear of them? The Sun says “SHOCK LEAK Game of Thrones fans sent into a frenzy as ‘entire plot for season seven leaks online’”. Games of Thrones is based on a series of books by George R.R. Martin. If you want to know what happens in the TV version, why not just, you know, read the books?
Yes, yes, the TV version does differ from the books. Producer David Benioff says the show is “about adapting the series as a whole and following the map George laid out for us and hitting the major milestones, but not necessarily each of the stops along the way”. But you get the gist of the plot.
The Mail says “a Reddit user going by the name awayforthelads posted an enormous list of very detailed spoilers”.
How do we know to trust awayforthelads? Maybe they made it up? After all, the Sun looks at the leaks and says it is”reveals a pregnancy and a saucy romp between two main characters”. Sex in Game of Thrones is like the weather at the end of the evening news. It’s expected. As for a pregnancy, the show is about dynasties. Kids are part of the process.
And then comes the truly conniving part: the Mail wants to turn the taps open on that leak.
If you want to read the leaks, you can, of course. If you enjoy escapism, you might want to pass over the leaks and just wait for the entertainment.
“These must be the best costumes of Halloween 2016 by my sisters friends in Wicklow,” tweets @ChrisJudge.
“I edited the entire first season of Danny Dyer’s The Real Football Factories into one 60 second chunk,” tweets @AchinglyChic.
I edited the entire first season of Danny Dyer's The Real Football Factories into one 60 second chunk. pic.twitter.com/U8thmYU9CR
— #BROKEN Wil Jones (@AchinglyChic) September 29, 2016
When Donald Trump had his hair ruffled on the telly, Armando Iannucci thought it “beyond satire”.
What could Trump do that could be un-presidential? Well, he could carry on doing what he’s doing – being a TV show creation building towards the big shark jump.
Barons says it’s all for the cameras. And we love it.
The audience for the confrontation [first Presidential debate] could exceed 100 million, not far short of the 112 million viewers for the biggest U.S. sporting event, the Super Bowl. And if folks get together for parties on Monday with chicken wings and beer, maybe this debate will match that total.
According to the Strategas political team led by Daniel Clifton, that would be about half again the 67 million viewers that Barack Obama and Mitt Romney drew in their first debate in 2012 and nearly twice as many as the 52.4 million who tuned into Obama’s first face-off with Sen. John McCain in 2008. Indeed, Monday’s face-off is likely to shatter the record set in 1980, when 80.6 million watched Ronald Reagan’s first bout with Jimmy Carter.
Iannucci says President Trump is no longer a joke: “I used to say I was very sure, but I’m kind of sure.”
Trump bills himself as a anti-Establishment candidate. Why does that chime? “Who would want to be politician?” says Iannucci. “You’re not allowed to earn a certain amount of money, or go on holiday, or buy some dog food and put the receipt in the wrong place. You do anything wrong, and you’re just scum.”
In this video, an Ethiopian shepherd transports two sheep. Notes below the video tell us the “shepherd moves a couple of his animals across Bahir Dar in Amahara State”.
So much for Olympic cyclists going round and round and round a track. This takes the sport to new heights. The Tour de France King of the Mountain (Goats) would be great telly.
Liverpool FC tonked Leicester City 4-1 in the Reds’ first home match of the season. Looking on was Howard Webb, one of the platoon of former referees earning money as a pundit. Webb works for BTSport, where he analyses decisions to deadline. He told viewers that Jamie Vardy’s goal should not have stood.
Webb says Leicester’s Shinji Okazaki broke the rules when his pressing panicked Liverpool’s Lucas into a dreadful pass across an empty area that gave Vardy an easy finish. According to the absurdly picky Webb, Okazaki was illegally inside the penalty area before the ball had left it following Mignolet’s goal-kick.
As Law 16 states:
Opponents must be outside the penalty area until the ball is in play…
The ball is in play when it leaves the penalty area..
This is the same Howard Webb who told readers of his Times column:
If all decisions can be reviewed by video, referees on the pitch become nothing more than remote-controlled referees.
And how many of them will go on tot have a media career?
Colin is remembered for a scene in 1987 when he and Barry Clark (Gary Hailes) preformed the first gay kiss on a British soap opera.
The Sun is delighted Colin is back, calling the character a TV “legend”.
Back then the paper dubbed the show EastBenders and called Barry and Colin “yuppie poofters”, whose “homosexual love scenes” was performed “when millions of children were watching”.
The Gay Times recalls:
When the storyline did air, Michael’s real-life boyfriend found his world turned upside down. On the centre pages of the News of the World read the headline “secret gay love of AIDS scare east ender” – outing Michael’s partner to his friends and family. “They printed our address – all but the door number – and that afternoon a brick came through the window.”
Legends can involve real people. Who knew?
The air is alive with insects. The wasp you saw was nothing. In the troposphere, there are billions of insects riding over your head. Take a look:
Amy King was on the lakefront in Chicago to record this video of a cloud rolling in.
Meteorologist Cheryl Scott explains:
What is a Roll Cloud and how does it form? It’s a low, horizontal, tube-shaped cloud. It is formed by winds changing speed/direction when the air temperature reverses its state (resulting in warm air on top of cool air). The shear in the atmosphere sets up a rolling motion, think [of a] rolling pin used in a baking.
Is this Tom Baker talking in an outtake for an advert he was recording? YouTuber campfreddie thinks it might be:
Tom Baker is over here.