Television and radio programme reviews, trailers, highlights, twilights and cinema news. Also the neglected gems from years past.
No topless photos of Paul Hollywood, 51, the TV baker leaving his wife of umpteen years. No photos of Paul in his undies, posing with a cheeky glance to camera as his taps his buttocks. And no revelations that he likes to hang homemade ring donuts on his manhood in the way the actor John Bindon used to hand five half-pint glasses on his penis.
Instead we get Paul telling us that years ago a fortuneteller told him he would be “very wealthy and very famous” (Daily Star), and two big photos of Summer Moneys Fulham, a 22-year-old barmaid (Daily Mail). In one, Summer does the splits on the bar of a Kent pub where she met the TV oven stuffer. In another she smiles in a low-cut top.
The Mail recalls Hollywood’s affair with Marcel Valladolid, his co-judge on the US version of the Great British Bake Off, telling readers that he called it “the biggest mistake of my life”.
On the Mirror’s front page, it’s “Bake Off Paul” and the “barmaid”. Hollywood ‘Splashes the dough” (geddit?) on “young barmaid Summer Monteys-Fulham”, now given a hyphen.
The message is clear: he is money and fame; she is seduction and regret. Love and sex are different for girls.
We read that Summer has “apparently quit her job”, deleted her social media profiles and moved out her parent’s “£1m home”. Her life seems to have been changed since the Sun on Sunday broke news that she and Hollywood had become friends. “It has clearly upset her a lot,” says an unnamed source to the Mail.
So the single woman gets profiled and finds herself in the paper, the object of our heated debate and judgement. Wonder what the stars said lurked in store for her.
They’re gunning for Jack Maynard, the YouTuber who left the I’m A Celebrity Jungle accused of making alleged racist and homophobic tweets. Exposed by the Sun, Maynard is hammered by the Mirror, which leads with his face and the headline:”Teenage girl: I’m A CelebJack begged me for pic in my bra.” It might have been kinder to have Jack Maynard buried in a cockroach-infested hole in the Australian jungle with Dennis Wise for company. But that’s not to diminish from his apparent offence. Being buried alive for TV entertainment was too good for him.
On page 8, we read: “Your boobs are nice & would look good in bra shot…Ever take one?” The claim is that Jack “pestered the girl” when Jack was 17. We’re told there is “no suggestion he knew the girl was only 14 at the time”.
We then get introduced to the ‘victim’, who says she was a fan of Jack’s brother Conor Maynard and “sought his advice on becoming an online model”. They then allegedly got into an exchange, in which Maynard was told he is only famous through his brother and he told her: “Who the fuck even are you? You’re an ugly freak.”
We then hear from her: “I looked up to Jack as a role mode and I found his persistence annoying. But I saw it as relatively harmless flirting given the small age gap… I don’t think he was aware I was younger than him. He was just a bit of a dickhead…” The Sun ignores the bra and says, “he had also begged a 14-year-old fan to send him nude pictures.”
The Sun also quotes the ‘victim’, no aged 10, who says: “He was 16, I was 14. It was something that happens to everyone. [The Mirror said he was 17.] I never once felt harassed. We were kids, it’s not once harmed me at all in any way. It’s in the past. It is a serious allegation to make, but you’re a kid, you make mistakes. He didn’t know how old I was, and I didn’t know how old he was at the time. I cannot stress enough that the messages were harmless.”
And that’s it. “I’m sorry to anyone that I upset, anyone that I offended, anyone I made feel uncomfortable,” says Maynard. “Growing up I was all over social, my entire life was on social media an through that it led to be my job. I’ve tweeted some bad things, some horrible things, that I’m just ashamed of.” The Sun says he wad “grinning” and “smirking” when he apologised in a video.
Thankfully, no journalists ever said anything that might have caused offence.
So farewell, Jack Maynard, aka ‘YouTuber Jack Maynard’, who has left I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! to sort out “circumstances outside camp”. Maynard wanted to “do the internet proud”. And he did just that, introducing the TV-watching tribes to life on the web. As the Sun thunders: “YouTube sensation, 22, was forced to apologise for racist and homophobic slurs on his Twitter account where he branded users ‘retarded’.”
Twitter’s a bit like a 1970s comedians showcase, albeit without the wit, laughs, likeable characters and fun.
The Sun took it upon itself to “reveal” some of Maynard’s “racist and homophobic tweets”, although it saw reason to edit them. Too rude for the paper that used to feature stunnas on Page 3 and still advertises phone lines for onanists seeking on-the-clock relief – yesterday readers were invited to call “X-Rated Cheap Girls – 18-94 Year Olds” and “HOT GIRLS [age unspecified]”. Thankfully, Pink News is less prudish. Damning Maynard as someone “famous for being the younger brother of singer Connor Maynard”, we read:
When an abusive commenter suggested he had profited off of his brother’s fame, Maynard hit back: “Completely forgot you know how I got it YOU RETARDED FAGGOT”.
He also used what the mainstream media terms ‘the N-word”. Censorship is provided by the Sun. (If you want to read the bad words, you need to get yourself on twitter.)
So Jack’s gone to spend time with his selfies, denying his accusers the chance to watch him being locked in a buried coffin and terrorised by rats. You had your chance.
Even better is the “spokesperson for the vlogger” – yep, even narcissists have their limits – who tells the Sun:
“Jack is ashamed of what he said in these tweets, many of which were deleted a long time ago and were sent in response to a neighbour who was bullying him. Jack was a lot younger when he posted them in 2012 but realises that age is no defence.”
Anyone else read that and see an adult explaining the action of a child? Jack is a big boy, says the grown up, and he knows he has done wrong. That leads to the a classic non-denial denial with sympathetic back story:
“He would never use that language now and realises that, as someone who was bullied himself, this kind of retaliatory, inflammatory, insulting language is completely unacceptable.”
Look at Jack Maynard less as the perpetrator, but as a victim living out fantasies born of a difficult childhood.
Spotter: Adam The Creator
The Daily Mail has a story about on-the-clock sex and immigrants. The news comes via a BBC Three documentary on life in Liverpool:
Sex workers in a major British city are said to be selling their bodies for as little as £4 – with prostitutes blaming an influx of Eastern European competitors for pushing down prices.
That this is bad is pointed to by the Mail’s images of prostitutes and pimps lurking in the shadows looking miserable. Have you ever seen a newspaper story on prostitution featuring a woman running through bluebells? That the women are in need of rescue is a given.
Punters want cheap sex. There’s the obvious economic argument to defer from the headline: increased supply and a steady demand leads to lower prices. But the market for flesh is geared towards risk: it’s legal to sell your body in private but selling it in a public space, kerb-crawling, running a brothel and pimping are illegal. In an unregulated environment buying sex is a crime. Prostitution is a dangerous business. How can a woman complain of abuse and criminality, access safe lodgings and medical support without getting into trouble and running pellmell into judgement?
“The worst thing about prostitution is the lack of respect and opprobrium, and the pity and the assumptions that are piled onto prostitutes,” says AA Gill. “The root cause of all the dangers and misery of prostitution is because society despises prostitutes and the men who use them. So I wouldn’t make any of it illegal but what I would do is insist that anyone who used a prostitute had to work as a prostitute once a year, just to see what it was like.” Good idea.
The Mail continues:
The documentary tells the story of crack addict Natalie, who works on the streets to fund her habit.
Selling sex is a reality. A woman’s autonomous choice to sell her body is often fed by a consuming need. “They sell sex to pay for their habits,” says Michaela Edwards of the charity Streetwise. “Some do it to pay for Christmas presents for the kids. Some to pay the rent after getting their benefits cut.”
It’s about the money, right? “I’ve had to give a blow job out for a tenner because I’d been rattling for the heroin. Some days it’s even hard to make 60 quid,” says Hayley on the show. “Obviously the men are coming asking for cheaper money and we’re saying ‘no’. Then other girls are going and doing it,” says Hayley. “Some girl’s done it for £8, for anal and everything.”
And of the £4 rate, she adds: “Sex, here – some of the girls give it away for four quid. Because they’re battling for business, because they’re desperate to get crack.”
And having introduced the show’s plot, the Mail than adds:
A man named Jack, who lives with Natalie, blames Eastern European sex workers for flooding the market and slashing prices. He claims women come from as far as Serbia and Croatia and sell sex for rock bottom prices.
He said: ‘They’re absolute stunners. But the local girls… Sometimes I have to lend them my teeth.’
I used to play the alto sax. Badly. I knew I was not all that good a musician when the school violin virtuoso was invited to listen to me play. ‘Too sharp,’ he said. ‘Too flat.’ To me it all sounded the same.
Yeah! (Anyone know his name?)
Spotter: Laughing Squid
— Scott Bryan (@scottygb) October 17, 2017
BBC News anchor Simon McCoy has BREAKING NEWS:
“We’ve just got this coming in from Kensington Palace, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are delighted to confirm they are expecting a baby in April.
“Now bearing in mind they announced she was pregnant back in September and it was thought she was around two or three months pregnant, I’m not sure how much news this really is but anyway…
It’s April so clear your diaries, get the time booked off because that’s what I’m doing. That’s news just coming in from Kensington Palace.”
Simon McCoy knows what’s coming. Having delivered the Windsors’ press release that another one of our betters is on the way, he can expect to be reporting LIVE on Kate Middleton’s womb to a captivated nation:
Next up on the god-awful 1980 TV show Pink Lady & Jeff – a show featuring Japanese female singing duo Pink Lady (Mitsuyo Nemoto (“Mie”) and Keiko Masuda) and Jeff Altman, who was there because he could speak English, is Hugh Hefner.
The girls have rocked up at the Playboy Mansion to audition as Bunnies.
As you watch through knitted fingers, Hugh Hefner thinks it a good idea to sing My Kind of Town.
For those of you who missed it, this is the huge penis drawing that featured on a Netflix show Maya the Bee. The Mirror hears from the parent who spotted it and noted her displeasure on Facebook.
“I know that something like this should not be in a kid’s show whatever,” she says in a Facebook vifeo. “I’m extremely disgusted by it…there should be no reason why my kids should have to see something like this.”
Good-oh. Although they can see it on Facebook now, too, and in the national Press and here. But good spot, mum. But you need to go some to beat this knob watcher:
Want to feel old? This is what the Teletubbies look like now.
Manchester City goalkeeper Ederson is soft. Having been kicked hard in the face by Liverpool’s Saido Mane, who has apologised, the Brazilian stayed on the turf for 10 minutes. TV pundit Tony Gale was aghast, telling Sky Sports News on Monday that Ederson isn’t a “proper man”. He’s not like Burnley’s British goalkeeper Tom Heaton, who dislocated his shoulder against Crystal Palace the following day and walked off the pitch with a cheery wave.
— Wingers (@Wingers6) September 11, 2017
We’ve got no photo of Heaton’s shoulder, but we can share this image of Ederson’s face:
To think Tony Gale was on Sky this morning questioning Ederson’s masculinity because he didn’t wave to fans when he was being carried off pic.twitter.com/hushqtVyN2
— Simon Mullock (@MullockSMirror) September 11, 2017
Something narcissistic and the antithesis of stoic about showing the world your wound, but it does look very nasty. But it is to his face and not his hands, which in Tony Gale’s book means Ederson could have carried on playing. After all, it is only a flesh wound.
BBC World News has broadcasts a novel new intro.
😂 wonderful car crash opening to BBC World News just now. Pick a camera, any camera 😛 pic.twitter.com/5XxrdwQXcr
— Andrew Roberts 💬 (@AndyMRoberts) September 9, 2017
Spotter: Andy Roberts
What’s the forecast, Mr Weatherman. Wind. High wind.
And thanks to the people who made this video – the people who record the weather and play it back.
Peppa Pig’s parent are lying to her. In ‘Mister Skinny Legs’ Daddy Pig tells Peppa that spiders are lovely. They are “very very small” and “can’t hurt you”. Daddy Pig does this to stop Peppa freaking out when she spots a spider in his room. Daddy Pig does not vacuum the spider nor does he flush it down the toilet. The pigs pick up the spider, puts it to bed in a dolls’ house and Peppa offers it tea.
It turns out, of course, that Daddy Pig’s lies are putting his kids in mortal danger. As Australians know ABC, spiders are huge and terrifying. ABC, the national public broadcaster, says the show is “inappropriate for Australian audiences” and banned it from future broadcast in 2012
But on 25 August 2017, the episode was broadcast on Nick Jr, a children’s channel affiliated with Nickelodeon. When one mother complained, a spokesman for the TV station opined:
“The context of the way the spider is portrayed in the episode lessens any impact of scariness or danger; the spider does not look real, it has a smiley face and is shown in context of a show with other talking animals.”
Whatever you say, Skippy:
In 2010, Norwegian TV show Gylne Tider, aka Gyldne Tider (trans: Golden Times) produced this stupendous video.
The show featured presenter by Øyvind Mund, cameraman Steinar Marthinsen and sound engineer Ingar Thorsen travelling to meet their childhood heroes. Having journey through Scandinavia asking ‘Didn’t you used to be..?’, the third series focused on international stars, such as: Linda Evans, Pamela Sue Martin, Lorenzo Lamas, Sabrina, Samantha Fox, Mark Hamill, Bo Derek, Al Corley, Bruce Boxleitner, Richard Chamberlain, Glenn Medeiros, The Bangles, Duane Loken, Mel Smith and Peter Shilton. For the 2010 series someone thought it a sound idea to get a load of familiar faces sing and have them sing The Beatles’ Let it Be.
Look out for: Pamela Anderson, Mickey Rourke, Jason Alexander, Glenn Close, Ricki Lake, Roger Moore, Daryl Hannah, John Nettles and more…
Have we reached peak LIVE! news? The Fox News reporter on the scene would like to ask Texans fleeing Hurricane Harvey a question. You, on the crutches stood in the rain, have you got an hour or so to discuss rain, planning policy, emergency procedure, what it feels like to be an unpaid expert on TV news..?
On the Bangalore local TV, news anchor Kannada is wearing a terrific T-shirt.
It will cost you £1 to read the Daily Telegraph‘s story “Why dragons and fantasy are ruining Game of Thrones“.
Rebecca Hawkes begins:
On the face of it, asking whether Game of Thrones has “gone too fantasy” feels like a bit of a ridiculous question…
Clickbait isn’t all that easy when you’re not talking about sport. Hawkes can look enviously at other Telegraph headlines in today’s batch, and think about writing her next story as a question:
Alexis Sanchez fit to play against Liverpool – but will it be his final game for Arsenal?
Mayweather vs McGregor: What time does the fight start this weekend and who is predicted to win?
Not to be confused with the other story:
Mayweather vs McGregor: What time will the fight start, what date is it on and who is predicted to win?
Champions League group-stage draw 2017 – when and what time is it, what TV channel and what are the teams?
New Zealand vs Australia, 2017 Rugby Championship – what time is the Bledisloe Cup, what TV channel is it on and what is our prediction?
Can America remove President Donald Trump from office?
Two years after opening Germany’s doors to refugees, Angela Merkel stands tall. How has she done it?
Which celebrities have these GCSEs?
‘I’m a student about to go to university, will I need a TV licence?’
And the Top Most Read stories today:
In a Sun “exclusive”, the paper says “BBC chiefs are facing claims they are sabotaging shows from the firm behind The Great British Bake Off.”
That company is Love Productions, who have brought to your telly such treats as Bake Off and: Junior Bake Off, Newlyweds, Famous Rich and Homeless, Tower Block of Commons, Young, Autistic & Stagestruck, The Baby Borrowers, Young Mums’ Mansion and Naked, Underage and Having Sex, and Britain’s Youngest Grannies.
Industry insiders say Love Productions believe the Beeb deliberately nabbed stars from other shows they have made.
Industry insiders say Love Productions believe the Beeb deliberately nabbed stars from other shows they have made. It’s an alleged “bid to sabotage the firm”. What stars have been “nabbed”?
Claudia Winkleman, who presented The Great British Sewing Bee and The Great Pottery Throwdown’s host Sara Cox.
Claudia, 45, is to co-host new BBC show Britain’s Best Cook, alongside former Bake Off judge Mary Berry, 82. While Sara, 42, is now presenting BBC2 series Back In Time For Tea.
Negotiations for new series of the sewing and pottery shows have now stalled.
Can we get a insider to go on the record?
A TV source said: “The sheer arrogance of it all is astonishing.”
“There’s a view in the industry that the BBC is acting out of spite and not in the best interest of the licence fee payer.”
What the story in the Sun (prop. Rupert Murdoch) omits to mention is that in 2014, British Sky Broadcasting acquired a majority stake in Love Productions. News Corporation (prop. R. Murdoch) owns 39.1% of BSkyB. 21st Century Fox (pro R. Murdoch) has formally lodged its £11.7bn bid to take full control of Sky.
North Korea has missiles trained on Guam, an American territory. Will mad Kim Jong-un shoot? KTWG and KSTO radio stations say he already has shot, broadcasting an emergency alert to listeners. But there was no incoming missile. It was an error.
Guam locals have been issued with leaflets telling them “What to do in case of nuclear attack”. One tip: “Do not look at the flash or fireball – It can blind you.” Tip 2: “Take cover behind anything that might offer protection.” Adhere to tips one and two and then: “When possible, take a shower with lots of soap and water to help remove radioactive contamination.”
After armageddon, good to know en-suite bathrooms survive. Oh, and best to take just one bottle into the show: “Do not use conditioner in your hair because it will bind radioactive material to your hair.” Should you have any left.
As Sophie Raworth read BBC1’s News at Ten, viewers were distracted by the monitor over her shoulder. Was that a live feed from Windsor Castle or was someone at the Beeb’s studios watching ITV’s Love Island?
PS: it was an episode of True Blood.
Arsenal owner Stan Kroenke has bowed to pressure. The UK version of his bloodsports channel will not broadcast big-game hunting, an utterly barbaric and wholly sad hobby for psychopathic dentists. (Yes, I now that’s tautological, but you take the point.)
The UK version of subscription service MyOutdoorTV, run by Kroenke’s Sports and Entertainment, was to show footage of men and women dressed in camouflage gear posing with inedible animals they’ve killed for fun. Now you’ll only get to see Bob and Mary-Jo grinning next to dead rarer breeds in the US.
Kroenke spokesman Jim Liberatore says that “in light of the public interest” there’ll be lots of to-deadline deaths but not of any big-game animals. They’ll be shot off-camera, like Aintree horses and Celebrity Big Brother losers. “While many on both sides of this issue have made their voices heard,” adds Liberatore, “and this content is only available through paid subscriptions, Stan Kroenke has directed us to remove all content related to those animals in light of the public interest.”
Liberatore added some guff about Kroenke being there for animal welfare, in the way that Mr Toff is there to support foxes who if it weren’t for hunting would died of boredom and lack of exercise. “He has a decades-long track record of environmental stewardship,” Liberatore continues, “working with conservationists, hydrologists, microbiologists, and others to responsibly manage habitat and enhance wildlife preservation.”
You can just imagine the animals and birds camped outside Mr Kroenke’s fencing, waiting for the chance to leap inside and be cared for by his welfare state.
PS: Of course, if you’re stinking rich, as Kroenke is, and really love animals why not just buy a large swathe of land and leave them alone?
Good news for TV types looking to create telly on a low-budget: when you hire to-deadline psychic Derek Acorah, you also get Jade Goody and David Gest. It’s a three-for-one deal. Sure, two of the trio are dead, but if it’s good enough for God, it’s more than works for Celebrity Big Brother.
In the Daily Star, we read: “Derek claims to be in touch with dead housemates Jade Goody and David Gest.” The rest of us can catch them on Big Brother highlights reels, which haven’t needed to be updated for years.
Now, who fancies a Popadom?
You can buy clocks and watches themed on Monty Python s’s Ministry of Silly Walks. John Cleese’s legs and brolly form the hands.
In Kim “Howard” Johnson’s The First 20 Years of Monty Python , we hear Graham Chapman recall how the ketch came about:
John Cleese and I were writing together one day, and John had been thinking of doing something about anger. He’s very good at it, and he likes that emotion very much indeed. I’d been noticing that there were all sorts of ministries for strange things that were likely to distract people from the main issues of the day, and make it look like the government was doing something. A lot of attention would either go to a drought or a flood that probably didn’t exist anyway, and there seemed to be lots of useless ministries. I thought, why not a Ministry of Anger?
It’s difficult to remember whether it was John’s or my idea, but I do know that the next stage was Silly Walks, which was more ludicrous and petty than an emotion like anger. My house was on a very steep hill, and we saw a man walk past, uphill, stooped very sharply backward, defying the laws of gravity! Well, we thought Silly Walks was a good idea, but we couldn’t quite think how to develop it.
As usual, we were supposed to be writing something else when this idea occurred—anything to prevent us from getting to that work! But we thought we’d better get on to writing what we were supposed to be writing. So we rang up Mike (Palin) and Terry (Jones)—to interrupt them from whatever they were supposed to be doing—and made them write the sketch.