Anorak

Tabloids | Anorak - Part 31

Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

A Free Knife With Every Hoodie

THERE’S a great twofor deal at TK Maxs: shoppers can buy a hoodie and get a free knife stitched into the lining.

The Sun gives its front page over to the news that: “T.K Maxx sell jackets with knives sewn in.”

For just £59 shoppers can buy a jacket that doubles as an urban survival aide. Says one kebab shop regular:

“It’s great. If the boffins can put an optic of curry sauce in the zip, it will be greatest invention since the chainsaw.”

Inside and in “FOOL METAL JACKET,” the Sun shows a youth in school tie done up to the neck and clean blue jumper pulling the knife from his coat’s lining.

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Posted: 3rd, October 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)


Geri Halliwell’s Ugenia Lavander Cleans Up

GERI Halliwell has been named “the most successful celebrity author of the year”.

In five months she has sold 250,000 of her Ugenia Lavender stories, the tales of a female hygiene product as it wends its way from an Indian farm collective to a landfill site in the East Midlands.
Says Geri:

“I’m so happy that everyone loves Ugenia as much as I do.”

Indeed, sick of reading the side of perfume bottles and cans of mace as he irrigates his colon, Old Mr Anorak says the Ugenia Lavender product is far more stimulating, although the hard cover version can chafe…

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Posted: 3rd, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)


That Britney Spears Ghalib Sex Tape In Full

READERS may recall the news of the sex tape that Brummie Adnan Ghalib is said to be flogging. Says the former confident of Ms Britney Spears:

“There is no sex tape. I’m extremely upset and taking legal action”.

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Posted: 2nd, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (8)


It Was The Sun Wot Done The Economy

A RUN on UK banks in the Sun:

“FEARS rose last night that millions of pounds could be sucked out of the UK as Brits switch their savings to Irish banks to dodge the financial crisis” – Sun

“But there are still safe places to go. The Post Office, for example, offers several savings accounts run by Bank of Ireland” – Ian King, Sun Business editor

Fear is what Tabloids do best…

Posted: 2nd, October 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (4)


Ah, Sol: Homophobic Tabloids Rally Round Sol Campbell

FOOTBALLER Sol Campbell has been the victim of homophobic chants.

The Daily Star makes it its business to expose such things, even repeating one ditty, as sung by fans of Spurs, for whom Campbell used to play before his defection to local rivals Arsenal:

“Sol, Sol, where ever you may be. You’re on the verge of lunacy. And we don’t give a f*** if you’re hanging from a tree. You Judas c*** with HIV.”

The Star is appalled and screams: “GAY FOOTIE FANS RIGHT BEHIND SOL”.

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Posted: 2nd, October 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (15)


How The Tabloid Press Demonises Polish Immigrants

“POLES are dumping kids here,” screams the Star. “Brutal parents flee UK”.

“Hundreds of battered Polish children are being abandoned in Britain by abusive parents.”

Hundreds become “dozens”, as readers read on:

“Polish embassy staff have personally intervened in at least 10 ‘child at risk’ cases this year alone…”

Becomes ten…

Image: Smak is the staple diet of Poles

Posted: 2nd, October 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (12)


Prelude To Paedophilia: Tea With The Queen Mum

PAEDOPHILIA is an evil, abhorrent sickness. And Paul Kidd is said to have run a “paedophile ring while serving the Royal Family”.

The Star has the news, and possibly the greatest tabloid line of all time:

“Bachelor Paul Kidd, 55, groomed at least one victim for sex by talking him for tea with the Queen Mum.”

The QM is no longer around to defend herself, having been used for kindling some years back. But even so…

Posted: 2nd, October 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (9)


Basic I Stink: Sharon Stone’s Snorts Son’s Feet

SHARON Stone has been refused custody of her adopted son Roan “because she wanted to inject his feet with BOTOX to stop them smelling”.

Roan Stone. It’s the Express’s front-page news.

Better perhaps to inject her face with Botox and fill the only remaining cracks chiefly those just above her top lip.

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Posted: 2nd, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Shoes For Hats: Daily Mirror Hack’s Zany Wikiepdia Cheat

THE Mirror’s David Anderson writes from Nicosia of Manchester City’s UEFA Cup match with Omonia Nicosia.

Despite City’s raised profile, they must make do with the UEFA Cup this season and Hughes will not tolerate any slip-ups against the Cypriot side, whose fans are known as the ‘Zany Ones’ and wear hats made from shoes.

Well, that’s what is says on the Wikipedia page for Omonia Nicosia, as updated by “godspants”, a web wag, and slavishly borrowed by Anderson as he does his, er, research…

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Posted: 2nd, October 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Arguido And Halo: Learning To Speak Madeleine McCann

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

DAILY MAIL: “Nomophobic, stagflation, funt… and even cripes: Some of the 100 or so ‘Words of the Year’”

This is the year of the credit crunch, the nonebrity and glamping. 2008 has given the English language more than 100 new words and phrases which capture modern life, according to experts.

Or Nodding Heads, as Anorak calls them. Go on:

The list compiled by dictionary expert Susie Dent … the nonebrity form TV’s Countdown

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Posted: 2nd, October 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (206)


Allison Pearson: The Sword, The Money Or The Poison Pen

ALLISON Pearson, of the Daily Mail, is still talking about those City “spivs” and how they are, well, just so worthless:

Throughout the boom years, the bankers justified their stellar incomes by saying they were working heroic hours to help bring greater prosperity to us all. Oh, really? Try telling that to a soldier who has spent 180 days dodging mortars in Helmand and dreamt of nothing more than enjoying a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken in front of the TV with the family he adores.

Most bankers never have to justify their incomes, wages being a matter of market rates. And do not soldiers dream of owning islands, flying first class and watching their football team play on a massive plasma screen? Do bankers eat KFC?

Still:

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Posted: 1st, October 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (3)


A Tabloid Masterclass, With Steve Dunleavy

STEVE Dunleavy is a journalist we can admire. Here’s his tabloid masterclass:

1.

More…

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Posted: 1st, October 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Harrowing Stuff: Knife Crime Ravages Yorkshire Village

KNIFE crime is not the preserve of the city or market town kebab shop.

It is everywhere. It is rife. To a barn in Yorkshire we journey where the everyday story of country folk features a young farmer impaled on a blade.

Harrowing scenes as Andy Sugden, of Emmerdale, is impaled on an iron harrow. His wife leaves him to die.

“How times have changed,” says Jane Moore in the Sun, recalling the days of home-cooked farm fayre, when a young famer would kill himself with a shotgun and the kids sold Es from the rave barn.

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Posted: 1st, October 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (12)


Cheryl Cole and Amanda Holden Put BOAST On Hold

CALLS are coming in thick and fast to Anorak’s BOAST hotline. All orders are final, but Cheryl Cole and Amanda Holden are unsure…

Says Cheryl of her time before husband Ashley was accused of vomiting on their marriage vows:

“I was really broody. I’d see children and think that’s me. I’m ready” – Sun

The call to BOAST was made. But then cancelled. Sadly the children are sat in our storeroom awaiting despatch. No refunds but they can be exchanged…

Amanda Holden is on line 2:

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Posted: 1st, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)


Hollywood Films London’s Hill Movies

GORDON Smart, the Sun’s estate-agent-showbiz-PR hybrid, says “Hollywood film-makers” have been scouting Primrose Hill.

Smart hears a source say the film could be the new “Notting Hill”.

Anorak foresees a whole series of London “Hill” films:

Parliament Hill – Jude Law and Rhys Ifans strap their feet to charity collection tins and climb the hill to strike a blow for due process

Dollis Hill: It’s 6:34 am and two men are trying to work out if it’s better to walk to Willesden Green Tube or cut through to Edgeware Road and take the bus

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Posted: 1st, October 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (6)


Head Master: School Bans Hair To The Perpendicular

HEADMASTER Mark Perry, of noble brow, says all pupils who gel their hair to “more than a 90-degree angle” will be rusticated.

Says one 15-year-old at St Peter’s Church of England Aided School in Exeter, Devon: “How does our hairstyle affect our learning. We are very upset.”

On the contrary.

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Posted: 1st, October 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (5)


Ann Widdecome On Paul Newman

ANN Widdecombe is discussing Paul Newman:

“He also knew when to stop acting, an example many others would have benefitted from following”

Not including his voiceover work, Newman appeared in Empire Falls in 2005. His work won him an Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or a Movie.

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Posted: 1st, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Crocodile Shoe: British Tourists Eaten In Australia

ARTHUR Booker – “Tragic Arthur Booker” – is in the Australian outback on holiday. His wife Doris is sleeping.

He wakes early to check his crab pots on the bank of the Endeavour River.

He does not return. Doris awakens and finds the crab pot rope snapped, large crocodile slidemarks and the couple’s new video camera, Arthur’s watch and a single shoe.

Is this a John Stonehouse moment, we wonder?

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Posted: 1st, October 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (19)


Banker Aide: Britain Invests In Keeping China Sweet

BRITAIN gave China £38.6million in aid last year,” says the Sun. And that will stop, should the Tories get into power.

Says shadow international development secretary Andrew Mitchell, a man who proves that the longer the title the more insignificant the job:

“Many British taxpayers would be astonished to learn that we are still giving aid to China.”

The Sun says China is so rich it can spend more than £20bn on the Olympics and put a man in space.

Readers may care to recall that when landed, the Chinese astronauts were sat on Argos garden furniture and carried off by saluting removal men. It was more as the Victorians had landed in Guinea than evidence bleeding edge of technology and the future of mankind.

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Posted: 1st, October 2008 | In: Money, Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)


The Sun Makes Murder A Spectator Sport

THE Sun’s “major summit on crime” concludes that “killers should be stripped of human rights”.

To the Sun’s Broken Britain summit where the greedy (Cherie Blair), the gung-ho (“Top American cop” Bill Bratton) and the gray (Chris Grayling, the shadow works and pensions secretary) are chewing the fat with the grieving relatives of victims: former EastEnders actress Brooke Kinsella, whose brother was stabbed to death; and Marcia Shakespeare, whose daughter was murdered.

The Sun seems to have adopted the interviewing policy of its sister organ at Sky Sports, seeking the opinions of those still hot with endeavour and rage.

Reporter: “So Marcia, what do you think of your daughter being murdered? Disappointed to have lost a loved one in controversial circumstances?”

Victim: “The judiciary have made a mockery of it. What’s the point when that happens? They got away with murder out there today.”

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Posted: 1st, October 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Lottery Winner Buys UK Bank

IANTHE Fullager stuffed her winning lottery ticket down her bra. She is “BOOM AND BUST” (Sun), and being wooed by the banking sector.

Fullager of Fullager & Bingley Brothers now has more money than the entire banking sector combined, and as such a commands the Sun’s front page.

“I wanted to keep my ticket where I thought no-one would look for it,” says the 18-year-old, who may need to reconsider her hiding places give her new levels of attractiveness.

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Posted: 1st, October 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (13)


Tarnishing The Paul Newman Idol

PAUL Newman is dead, and the Mirror’s Sue Carroll salutes the “family man”.

Newman had six children, three from an early marriage that ended in divorce and three with actress Joanne Woodward, whom he married in 1958.

A two family man.

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Posted: 30th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (19)


Red Tuesday: Banks Fall, The Experts’ Top Tips And Spending Is The New Saving

MORE news that no-one knows what’s going on in the money markets as the Sun screams: “BLACKEST DAY”. Or as the Mirror puts it: “BLACKEST MONDAY.”

Black Monday is the name given to Monday, October 19, 1987, when stock markets around the world crashed. Should not yesterday be “Blacker Monday”?

Readers may be confused. To be in the black means to be free of debt; it is in the red that suggests debt and poverty. The Sun’s headline should read: “REDDEST DAY.”

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Posted: 30th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (24)


Jools Oliver Calls BOAST

JOOLS Oliver makes a call to Anorak’s Celebrity Baby Ordering And Star Treatment Service (BOAST)

“If I’m really honest, I’d like another girl,” – Jools Oliver, Mrs Jamiel Oliver, Sun

BOAST. Make the call now…

Myleene Klass And Norman Cook Call BOAST

Posted: 30th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Manchester City And Prince Harry In For Britney Spears Sex Tape

IT’S a Britney Spears sex tape.

Celebrity sex tape enthusiasts who want to see a mother-of-two having sex with an early-middle-aged Brummie can buy the goods for £5m.

What with the credit crunch, though, only the very few can afford to buy the tape, and it is believed it is being offered first to Manchester City, Prince Harry Baseball Cap and George Soros.

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Posted: 30th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment