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X Factor: Danyl Johnson And Lucie Jones Together, In Pictures

X FACTOR semi-finalist Danyl Johnson was spotted with Lucie Jones in Selfridges, London, singing for Louise Redknapp and Lisa B. It’s all in aid of Christmas sing-along to raise money for the charity Mothers4Children. That’s Danyl, not yet back to teaching and replacing his “y” with an “i”, singing with his eyes closed. In other news, the X Factor is now only on the Star’s front page, thereon news that next year’s X Factor live-ish final will be at Wembley Arena and will be won by a tight-bodied, photogenic, compliant young woman called Cheryl. Oops!…

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X Factor semi-finalist Danyl Johnson and X Factor contestant Lucy Jones take part in a Christmas sing-along to raise money for the charity Mothers4Children, at Selfridges, London.

Posted: 9th, December 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


X Factor: Danyl Johnson Is Out, Cheryl Cole Must Be Pleased

danyl-johnson4X FACTOR: It’s the X Factor semi-final, featuring nice Joe McElderry, twitchy Olly Murs, gasping Stacey Solomon and Cheryl Cole-inspired hate figure Danyl Johnson.

Which act is the least average? It’s going to be very close. Before the result, Lady Gaga sings Bad Romance in the manner of an aged Madonna gingerly getting out the bath.

Janet Jackson does some trademarked Michael Jackson moves and sings something familiar-ish. Dermot O’Leary does not interview her, so no need to mention Michael Jackson.

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Posted: 6th, December 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (16)


X Factor: Comatose Joe McElderry, Danyl Johnson Kills Polar Bears And Olly Murs Itches, Literally

joe-x-factorX Factor: Joe McElderry makes us think, Danyl Johnson kills polar bears, Olly Murs twitches the itches and Stacey Solomon gets religious. Those performances, in order:

Olly Murs – Can You Feel It?

Olly is dressed like he’s off to the cricket club dinner. He signs a song in which the backing signers ask “Can you Feel It?” over and over and over while Olly fingers his white suit. He then dances like a pair of chicken drummers strapped to a cross trainer. He’s the worst of the night, and he’s only first up.

Joe McElderry – She’s Out Of My Life

Joe is dull. He looks neat. He sings neat. He dances neat. Even his teeth and hair are neat. Joe is a shoo-in to play the lead in Joseph And his Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat. Dull.

Stacey Solomon – The Way You Make Me Feel

Stacey is likeable. She wears a hat indoors. People who wear a hat indoors are either deeply religious or ready to kill someone. Stacey might be both. She straddled the furniture on stage and looked pretty good.

Danyl Johnson – Man In The Mirror

This paean to vanity is chosen by Simon Cowell. Behind Danyl there are polar bears sat on small lumps of ice as if they’re trying to melt it with their body heat. Vote for Danyl and a polar bear dies. Vote now and vote often. Polar bears are bad news.

Olly – We Can Work It Out

Olly Murs moves like someone’s poured itching powder in his knickers. The song is bouncy and forgettable. Olly is in trouble. But he does give hope that if he wins any dad can dance like a popstar – so long as that popstar is Olly Murs.

JoeOpen Arms

He sings Open Arms, as sung by Journey. As Joe sings, Anorak starts thinking of those polar bears and if they know that there are now more popular in the media than panda bears. Do polar bears gloat at the big bear get-togethers? Then I come round and Joe has finished singing.

Stacey – Somewhere

Best of the night. Stacey is allowed to mention her son. She’s through.

Danyl – I Have Nothing

Danyl through.

Stacey Though.

Joe through.

Olly out…

Posted: 5th, December 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (9)


X Factor Cancer Victim Danyl Johnson Hospitalised Over ‘Arts Injury’, In Pictures

DID you know that X Factor singer Danyl Johnson had a “secret battle with cancer”? Not that it’s a secret any more.

At that secret X Factor gig – that was only a secret if you weren’t invited (we were: pictures here) – Danyl Johnson revealed his secret to the, er, media. He had testicular cancer as a boy.

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Posted: 4th, December 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


In Pictures: X Factor’s Olly Murs, Stacey Solomon, Joe McElderry And Danyl Johnson In Secret London Gig

ANORAK’S woman with a pass was in Soho, London, to see the X-Factor finalists Olly Murs, Joe McElderry, Stacey Solomon and Danyl Johnson performing at the gig billed as “secret”. It was secret if you hadn’t been invited, in which case it was top secret. We had been invited. And here are the pictures of the X Factor agonists who by next months you’ll be struggling to remember…

Posted: 4th, December 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment


X Factor: Rihanna’s Sharon Stone Impression, Simon Cowell’s Slip, Alicia Keys’ Talent And Lloyd Daniels’ Walk

alicia-keys1X FACTOR results show: with aerated Stacey Solomon, contagious Olly Murs, Danyl Johnson with a ‘y’, ‘young Cliff Richard’ Joe McElderry and non-dancing, barely singing Lloyd Daniels.

“Don’t feel like dancing,” they sang. Danyl Johnson danced. Olly Murs danced. The others took the song as a confessional.

The show needs more padding than Simon Cowell’s face now there are only five singers left, so we get lots of walk and talk pieces to camera from the judges. Joe seems the favourite. But who goes?

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Posted: 29th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (9)


X Factor Live: Jedward Do Jive Bunny, Olly Murs Is The Man And Danyl Johnson Is Careless

6753456X Factor Live Blog: It’s Wham! Week. John and Edward, Danyl Johnson, Stacey Solomon, Jedward, Joe McElderry, Lloyd Daniels and contagious Olly Murs?

1. Lloyd Daniels – You’ve Got To Have Faith.

Lloyd needs faith because he doesn’t have a prayer of winning. Should have sung Wake Me Up Before You GoGo. A does of self-depracating humour might have saved him.

Damned by hard to like Louis Walsh: “I love everything except he voice Lloyd, I think you’re a real little pop star though.”

2. Stacey SolomonI Can’t Make You Love Me

Is she getting blonder?

X Factor: Stacey Solomon Look Alike Gallery. She’s through to next week’s show.

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Posted: 21st, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)


X Factor: Yet Another Reason To Hate Danyl Johnson

danylX FACTOR news as Lucie Jones makes ready to go the GAY way and the Daily Star finds a new reason to hate Danyl Johnson:

Meanwhile, “cocky” Danyl Johnson’s new haircut gave him the wow factor. The troubled teacher did a Britney by shaving his hair in a bid to get noticed by the judges.

Well, no. Johnson cut his hair into what barbers call a “Number Two”, a term that seems to fit well with the tabloids’ latest attack on Johnson:

Smug teacher Danyl, 27, unveiled his slick new look on Saturday night’s live show as he sang a Prince song. But the singer’s fans were left in a frenzy over his new shaven head and are left split over whether he made the right decision.

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Posted: 9th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


X Factor: Danyl Johnson ‘Touches’ Olly Murs and Lucie Jones’ Sex Life

lucie-jonesX FACTOR: It’s Ex-week in the tabloids, as the X Factor singers’ former loves tells all, featuring the exes of Joe McElderry, Cheryl Cole and Lucie Jones, plus Dannii Minogue’s womb and Danyl Johnsons on Olly Murs skin, literally…

Olly Murs and Danyl Johnson are getting close, allegedly:

Daily Mirror: “Essex boy OLLY MURS is complaining about gay Danyl’s over-friendly “‘touchyfeeliness’ in the house.”

Is Olly’s Essex-ness relevant to his views on “gay” Danyl? Who is Olly complaining to? Anyone smell homophobia? Lots to investigate. Is Jan Moir free to help? In any case, Olly is spoken for:

The Star: “OLLY NICE PROBLEM”

Busty glamour girl Chantelle Houghton says she fancies the pants off the cheeky chappy.

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Posted: 8th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)


X Factor Live Blog: Olly Murs Marries And Danyl Johnson Does Prince Over

IT’S Movie Week. Or as Dermot O’Leary shouts it: “IT’S…MOVIE WEEK.” O’Leary looks like someone warming up for the actual presenter. He’s all contrived shouting and big pauses.

First up is Stacey Solomon singing Son Of a Preacher Man.

Cheryl says: “It’s greeet ta see yous lookin’ soooo sesssy ‘nd yung. Ai thawght thaht waz yours moust con-fee-dint perfaw-mince.”

Simon Cowell has tken to leaning well back in the chair. Does it make him look taller? Discuss.

Olly Murs – “the incredible” Olly Murs – the man with the name like a contagion is up. He’s singing Twist & Shout. And he’s… pretty good. He’s like both of Jedward in a sober suit. When Olly gets married, he’ll sing that song. Like that. He might sing it at other people’s weddings as well. Price on application.

Lloyd Daniels now. Lloyd Danielzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Stand By Me. Simon is talkign through it. Llloyd is still singing. He might still be singing. It’s like being stuck in a lift with an amnesiac yodeller. Sta-a-a-a-and By me-e-e-e. Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand. Byme.

Dannii says Daniel is “nice”. He is damned.

Jamie ArcherNot Unchaiii-ned Mel-odeeee. Who is Mel Ody? And why is he chained up? Jamie does not explain. Cryyyyyy-in’ Over You.

He’s the best yet. Still, his hair and face don’t match. On a brighter note, he’s worth loads

Lucie Jones is showing us “exactly” who she is. She’s Lucie Jones. Or as Dermot would put it: “She’s… LUCIE JONES!” It’s pop. It sounds like the music played over the closing credits of a film, or the boring bit in the middle when you really, really need the toilet. Go to the toilet. It’s forgettable.

Danyl Johnson is doing Prince. He’s had his hair cut. He looks like he’s not doing an impression of Prince. Cheryl Cole likes his “demean-er”. She doesn’t like cockiness. Which is why she’s still married to Ashley Cole.

Jedward – Ghostbusters. The most overrated underrated act. Peter Andre appears to make Jedward look talented. Horrific. Jedward are hanging from a  rearview mirror. There is every trick used to distract you from Jedward. What’s in the backpacks? LSD? Gunk? Simon Cowell”s next tan?

Louis Walsh says they’ve cured the recession. You know, like Susan Boyle did.

Joe – Dull.

Posted: 7th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (7)


Katie Price’s Burning Sensation X Factor Presents The Week In Pictures

pa-7994859WHAT a week that was, folks. We saw Gary Glitter’s Halloween costume, a man was beaten to death on the telly for our entertainment, The Cheeky Girls encouraged thoughts of them mating with X Factor’s Jedward and creating a new breed of horror, Madonna sanitized Africa, police arrested West Ham, Stephen Fry fans pretending to be actors, had a strop on Twitter, X Factor agonist Danyl Johnson was beaten by Hitler, giving us another reason to hate Danyl with a Y, Marlon King was branded a typical footballer, you got to cover your cat’s anus with a glitter ball, Muslims laughed at Muslims, Ollie Murs reminded us of them, Iggy Pop, Muhammad reminded us of corduroy bodysuits, starred in a film as John Travolta, we blamed the Muslims for Madeleine McCann, Al Gore became a God, Daily Mail readers came out in favour of Sharia LawNazis and , we learnt that a virus can wear bovver boots, was burnt as a bitch, Katie PriceSusan Boyle was our transsexual Jesus, Lindsay Lohan died, almost, Ringo Starr became something funny in the water, we saw the Carrie Prejean sex tape, Katie and Peter got back together, we enjoyed blood porn, Sharon Osbourne presented her hairy arsehole, Jedward reviewed their novelty record collection, Elizabeth LambertBeyonce made us watch women’s football- and it was good, showed us her knickers and Nidal Malik Hasan became a victim as he murdered 13 people.

Posted: 7th, November 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment


X Factor: Bon Jovi Sign Jamie Archer, Alexandra Burke Urinates And Jedward Fix

x-factor7IT’S Saturday and that means it’s X Factor Day in the tabloids. Well, it’s always X Factor Day in the tabloids but today they get to spice our quotidian offerings with the thought that it might be the last time we see John And Edward Grimes perform like fame’s singing testicles wired up to the car battery.

That news:

Sun (front page): “It’s the X Factor Bust Up”

It’s “JAMIE AGGRO”

Jamie is “Livid On A Prayer”

X FACTOR star Jamie Archer is threatening to QUIT after his relationship with mentor Simon Cowell hit a new low. The singer, who calls himself Jamie Afro, fears he is being stitched up by judges on the ITV talent show. It comes after he was BANNED from going on tour with rockers Bon Jovi – whose hits include Living On A Prayer.

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Posted: 7th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


X Factor Stars Do A Christmas Carol, In Pictures

ANORAK was at the world premiere of Disney’s A Christmas Carol in Leicester Square last night.

All the big stars were giving a remake of a remake of what once was book of a cartoon the weight it deserves: Olly Murs, Stacey Solomon, Danyl Johnson, Jedward, Lucie Jones, Lloyd Daniels, Joe McElderry, Jamie Archer and anyone else you had never heard of a few months ago.

Peter Andre was also there, trying not to outshine the talent and doing his now trademark impression of Bob Cratchit to Katie Price’s Scrooge…

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X Factor Twins arrive at A Christmas Carol World Premiere, Leicester Square, London

Posted: 4th, November 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment (1)


X Factor: Finding Another Reason To Hate Gay Danyl Johnson

danyl-johnson1THE media hatchet job on the X Factor Danyl Johnson continues as the NoTW screams:

Danyl Johnson’s 100% gay

Not too long ago, the NoTW told us that Danyl Johnson was “bi”, which made him 50% gay.

I’VE DAN IT WITH BOYS AND GIRLS

Now we get the fact that he is 100% gay. Or as the sub-header puts it:

EX BOSS RECKONS X FACTOR STAR’S BISEXUAL BOAST IS JUST A POSE

Paige Bond, who managed his old band, said he was NEVER interested in women but was terrified that admitting he was gay would wreck his shot at stardom.

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Posted: 1st, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (10)


X Factor Live Blog: Jedward Doomed And Danyl Johnson Is Beaten By Hitler

x-factor5IT’S Rock Week on the X Factor, in which TV viewers get stuck between rock and the hard place that is finding something else to watch on another channel.

Cheryl Cole is wearing Mickey Mouse’s ears on her chest and telling Joe he’s going “all the way”.

Joe McElderry sings Don’t Stop Believin’, by Journey, whish is casue fo Louis Walsh to say:derry

“Don’t stop believin’ Joe, I think you’re going to make it to the final!”

Lucie Jones arrives and sings Sweet Child O’ Mine in the style of a young girl singing Guns ‘N Roses. Since this is how it is supposed to be sung, Lucie has done well. Tonight’s winner.

Danyl Johnson is weeping. Someone said he was less liked than Hitler. He should not worry. Hitler is wildly popular in some areas of the country, like Oldham. If he can crack the Home Counties – although, not he leafier parts of Surrey, obviously – he can still make it. Cheryl Cole, who what with the Mickey Mouse outfit, the husband and the tears could do a one-woman version of Steamboat Willy, tells Danyl, who has crooned I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing, by Aerosmith.

“I wanted to see you come out after a tough week, Rachel was in the bottom two for the first two weeks and she came out fighting – that’s kinda what I was hoping to see from you. You do it well, you do it every week but you just don’t do it for me.”

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Posted: 1st, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (22)


X Factor: Danyl Johnson And Stacey Solomon Adopt A Child

stacey-and-danylLET’S not focus on the vanity, the marketing department-led tug on the heartstrings and the grandstanding, so long as the children at Great Ormond Street Hospital get to meet Stacey Solomon (single mum: caring hate figure) and Danyl Johnson (teacher: nurturing hate figure ), everyone’s a winner.

As voters we demand that we get to know your elected leaders. Is Danyl good with kids or a misunderstood paedophile? Is Stacey a caring mum or a heartless go-ahead modern woman who wants it all? Are Olly Murs contagious?

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Posted: 28th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


X Factor: Danyl Johnson Look-Alike Gallery

danyl-johnson-3-2408THE knives are out for Danyl Johnson, this year’s X Factor hate figure. How can there be a contestant who can move and sing better than show judges Cheryl Cole and Dannii Minogue?

Johnson has been called cocky and vain – character traits you’d suppose were prerequisite for making it in Simon Cowell’s pop factory.

But the biggest bugbear about Danyl Johnson is his looks. He has a face formed not by surgeons blade and chemist – see Cowell, Louis Walsh and Danni Minogue – but by committee.

Anorak got to thinking and we asked the typing pool who Danyl Johnson reminded them off. These are their answers – your suggestions, please…:

Posted: 28th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)


X Factor: Tabloids Bully Danyl Johnson Over Stacey Solomon’s Son

danyl-johnson-cryingONE day on from news that Simon Cowell is to investigate stories that X Factor’s ‘Bronze Age Will Young’ Danyl Johnson has been mean to Stacey Solomon, the Star screams:

“X FACTOR BULLY BOY MAKES BABE’S LIFE HELL”

And:

“Stacey a sobbing wreck over Danyl’s jibes”

As we’ve said, Stacey should thank Danyl for connecting her with her tears. If she can mime and dry hump a microphone, Stacey may yet becomes a pop sensation in the mould of a Cheryl Cole or Dannii Minogue.

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Posted: 27th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (7)


X Factor: Joe McElderry Hits Lucie Jones, Lily Allen And John & Edward’s Soiled Suits

x-factor3X FACTOR round-Up: Joe McElderry hits Lucie Jones, Lily Allen sings, Strictly Come Dancing flails, John & Edward soil their clothes and evil Lisa Hayden-Johnson…

Metro: “X-Factor Lucie Jones left in tears after ‘bust up’”

X-Factor beauty Lucie Jones was left in ‘agony’ after she was struck in the face by a tambourine by show rival Joe McElderry back stage.

Can McElderry copy Danyl Johnson’s Stacey Solomon shtick and help Lucie Jones connect with her tears?

The Welsh beauty cried out in pain after the 18-year-old misfired throwing the instrument in the air, striking the stunner direct in the face…

But injured Lucie was left stunned, wondering whether her nose had been broken after she reportedly crying out: ‘Ouch! What the hell did you do that for? It really hurt.’

It’s the X-Ray Factor. But did she cry? If you’re going be the new Cheryl Cole, you’ve got to cry:

The injury was an extra blow for Jones, 18, who was left in floods of tears on Saturday night’s show after her big band performance failed to win over Simon Cowell.

Hold the tambourine, literally. Lucie Jones is already crying.

Mirror: “AXess all areas”

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Posted: 26th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)


X Factor: Danyl Johnson Saved By Stacey Solomon

danyl-johnson-8AND it came to pass that the X Factor did some down to Miss Frank, a would-be drag act named after a boutique in the Poole Arndale Centre, and Danyl Johnson, the Bronze Age Will Young.

Both acts are vastly superior to non-singing, non-dancing Lloyd Daniels and Return To Oz extras John & Edward.

Was Danyl undone by the story of his making Stacey Solomon cry? We waited. The judges would decide. Who stays?

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Posted: 25th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)


X Factor: Danyl Johnson Helps Stacey Solomon Connect With Her Tears

7897546MORE X Factor news as The People spots “’Vile’” Danyl Johnson who “has rival [Stacey Solomon] weeping”.

Vile? Surely The People means to say “heroic” Danyl Johnson. If the ‘Bronze Age Will Young’ can make a rival singer weep, surely he’s doing his own battle for the Christmas No.1 no favours. Tears are what the X Factor is all about, which is why on last night’s show we met the agonists’ proud parents, including Johnson’s mum who, naturally, wept.

So who is Johnson making cry this week – two weeks ago Johnson accused of making Cheryl Cole tribute act Kandy Rain sob like a vicar with his zip caught in a lap dancing club.

Danyl Johnson left rival Stacey Solomon in tears in the X Factor house with a vicious personal jibe.

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Posted: 25th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)


X Factor: Hypocrites Cheryl Cole And Dannii Minogue Say Knickers To Kandy Rain

xxx-factor1X Factor: Cheryl Cole and Dannii Minogue criticise Kandy Rain’s sluttiness. Danyl Johnson is out.

KANDY Rain – the ex-strippers who sought to move away from their adult entertainment past by strapping themselves into bodices, gyrating behind pole-like microphones and wearing pussycat ears, having already named their group in the manner of an American porn star – are no longer competing on the X Factor.

Kandy Rain have the X-ex-Factor, soon, perhaps, to have the XX Factor and, of the money is good enough, the XXX Factor.

Dannii Minogue says that the look distracts from their voices. This is Danni Minogue, she before attempting to regain control of her eyebrows, slapped on some pneumatic breasts, shiny knickers and bras and dry-humped the stage.

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Posted: 12th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)


X Factor: Danyl Johnson Tears Kandy Rain Off A Strip

kandy-rainMIGHT it be possible to warm to Danyl Johnson, the X Factor warbler with the face of a Bronze Age Will Young, the post-modern reality TV wannabe who actually makes himself wince when he sings?

In the News of The World, a “FURIOUS Louis Walsh” has “branded one-time show favourite Danyl Johnson VILE and a BULLY after reducing his girl group Kandy Rain to tears.”

Kandy Rain are the former strippers whose band name sounds like an American tan ‘n’ stitches porn star.

The X Factor judge launched his astonishing attack after the band of former strippers sobbed down the phone to him when Danyl cruelly told them: “You’ve got NO chance of winning the show.”

Louis raged: “Kandy Rain rang me crying. Danyl was slagging them off telling them they were never going to win. He really bullied them. Danyl is vile. He’s everything I don’t like.”

Four girls rang Louis crying tears of pure sugary sweetness because Danyl told them what everyone else already knows, including Louis Walsh who’s bleating about the show being unfair led to the Daily Mail headline:

‘My X Factor acts won’t win,’ says Louis Walsh as he gives groups vote of no-confidence

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Posted: 11th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Simon Cowell Is Sick And Anton Du Beke Gives You Cancer

simon-cowell-botox1SIMON Cowell is “SICK”. And the X Factor is in “CRISIS”.

As other papers rant on about the Strictly Come Dancing Race Row (“Anton Du Beke is a garlic-munching surrender monkey” – Sun; “What did your grandpa do in the war?” – Express; “Anton du Berk gives you cancer” – Mail), the Star sticks with the X Factor news.

SIMON Cowell is in a race against time to appear on the X Factor’s first live final show after falling ill. He is laid up at home in pain and is battling to get well in time for tomorrow night.

If Simon can’t be there to offer his opinion, the fear is that the show will have to find another judge – and with only Kerry Katona and Mr Blobby available, this is indeed a crisis. The Star goes on:

The judge has also been banned from seeing the lads he is mentoring – Jamie Archer, 34, Olly Murs, 25, and Danyl Johnson, 27 – in case he spreads his germs.

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Posted: 9th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


The X Factor 12: The Infectious Olly Murs, Bronze Age Danyl Johnson And Acid Kandy Rain

hateWE’RE down to the last dozen in the X Factor. Anorak gives you pen portraits of the runners and riders:

OVER 25s

Olly Murs – Say his name quickly and it sounds like a child hood infection. “Oh, yes,” says the mum at the school gates. “He’s got Olly Murs, all over his back and groin.” One day everyone will want Olly Murs. But with Robbie Williams still around that day is not any time soon.

Danyl Johnson – That Danyl spells his name with a ‘y’ is the first and second most interesting thing about him. The third most remarkable thing is that when he sings he actually makes himself wince. He also looks like a Bronze Age version of Will Young trying to light a fire with his stare.

Jamie Archer – Jamie has huge hair. Vote now and often to keep Jamie on the stage so that no-one ever has to sit behind him at a concert, film or on a bus.

BOYS

Joe McElderry – The north east’s answer Marti Pellow – if the question was, “What’s wetter than Marti Pellow?”

Lloyd Daniels – Blessed with an expression that says he left his geography homework on the bus and doesn’t care who knows it. Lloyd Daniels sounds a bit like Danielle Lloyd, the nation’s sweetheart. Look out for Lloyd taking his top off and setting off on a jinking run through the Spurs ladies football team.

Rikki Loney – He’s the cat in the hat. Rikki wears a hat because a) he’s going bald; b) it was his dying mum’s last wish; c) anything that distract you from his voice is worth a try; d) it’s what Michael Jackson would have wanted.

GIRLS

Stacey Solomon – The winner.

Rachel Adedegi – Devoid of the girly prettiness that the likes of her mentor Dannii Minogue pays big bucks for, Rachel needs to actually rely on her singing to win the X Factor. As such, she is shafted – but looks more than capable of wiping the smirk from any winner’s face – literally (right, Dermot?).

Lucie Jones – Lucie is Welsh. The Welsh, as we are often told are to singing what the Canadians are to seal clubbing. Lucie’s Welshness should secure her lots of votes from her army of Welsh fans who will drape themselves in dragon-themed flags to say how proud they are of Lucie, how all of Wales is praying for her and how Wales – did we mention wales? – is all about the singing, as anyone who has heard Cardiff fans giving full throat to “He’s sad, he’s fat, He is a f*cking twat, Leighton James, Leighton James…” will tunefully attest.

GROUPS

Kandy Rain – They used to be strippers. One of them used to do porn. If you thought stripping porn stars couldn’t sing you have not heard Kandy Rain. One listen and you’ll know…

Miss Frank – The name suggests a drag act. The music suggests being dragged out to a drunken night in a local karaoke bar.

John & Edward – When they Come to make Midwich Cuckoos The Musical, John and Edward will be shoo-ins for at least two of the lead roles. Hateful. Terrible. Depressing. Pretty much why the show is a hit.

The X Factor – making tomorrow’s has-beens…

Posted: 5th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


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