The Consumer Category
We bring you the chic and unique, the best and most bizarre shopping offers both online and offline. We offer you tips on where to buy, and some of the less mainstream and crazy, individual and offbeat items on the internet. Anything that can be bought and sold can be featured here. And we love showcasing the best and worst art and design.
Hot dogs are un-Islamic, says the Malaysian Islamic Development Department (MIDD). To receive halal certification,the MIDD, a religious government body, says hot dogs must be renamed.
MIDD’s Sirajuddin Suhaimee explains says: “In Islam, dogs are considered unclean and the name cannot be related to halal certification.”
Yes, but the hot dog contains no dogs, it being most often a composite blend of pigs’s scrotum, anus and lips.
“Malaysian halal food guidelines say halal food and halal artificial flavour shall not be named or synonymously named after non-halal products such as ham, bak kut teh, bacon, beer, rum and others that might create confusion,” he adds.
The Auntie Anne store has been refused halal certification unless it renamed its “Pretzel Dog”. Mr Suhaimee says it should be called a Pretzel Sausage”.
And in keeping with Islamic law, Auntie Anne might care to ‘circumcise’ the tip of its Fat Torpedo:
Warts and all
Posted: 20th, October 2016 | In: News, Strange But True, The Consumer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Presidential Tat Watch spots this “Donald Trump Paddle Ball” on sale at the Gagosian’s Benefit for Clinton, Art For Hillary.
Designed by New York sculptor Elliott Arkin, the wooden paddle features a likeness of Donald Trump’s face. The mouth is open. The idea is that you smack the red rubber ball into Trump’s pie hole.
Arkin’s work references Koons’s Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer paddle ball game from 2000. “I often use existing contemporary works to satirize. Since Koons has made that print of the Mona Lisa for this event, I thought his Rudolph paddle ball was a natural fit for Trump,” he says.
Konn’s Mona Lisa repo costs Clinton fans – get this – $50,000.
To even things up, Arkin has also made a Hillary Clinton Flash Drive an 8 megabyte flash drive in the shape of a miniature Clinton. You pop off Clinton’s noggin – decapitate it, if you will – and reveal the device.
Whether the data storage device contains any data, like emails, say, or has been accidentally wiped clean by forces unknown is unsaid.
Posted: 12th, October 2016 | In: News, Politicians, The Consumer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
What does it mean to be working class? Aditya Chakrabortty knows. Having analysed the 17m people who voted to leave the European Union and found them “delusional”, he tells Guardian readers what it is to be working class:
What the pound’s weakness will chiefly achieve is to stop Britons buying as much. The middle classes will swap the wonders of the Alhambra for a week in Anglesey. The working classes will find Zara 15% more expensive.
Tops, shits, hobnail boots and hats by Zara. Grime: models’ own
The working classes rather enjoy packages holidays to Spain. But, yeah, shopping at Zara is just what defines the working class, those people employed in the blue collar trades who having put food on the table and coins in the gas metre can’t afford market-stall schmutter and catalogue shopping and are forced to do with Zara fashions.
PS: In April the Guardian increased its cover price in the UK by 20p, taking the cost of the weekday print edition to £2 and Saturday edition to £2.90. The working class should form an orderly queue at the newsagents.
Posted: 12th, October 2016 | In: Broadsheets, Money, News, The Consumer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
In 1975 Allan Warren published Nobs & Nosh – Eating with the Beautiful People featuring his photographs of stars, VIPS and toffs accompanied with recipes and their thoughts on food.
Douglas Fairbanks Jnr. shares his Fettuccini for Four:
Cook the fettuccini until aldente – not soft – and then drain well.
Add: 1 cup of thick cream, 3 tablespoons of butter, 3/4 cup of Parmesan cheese.
Mix carefully and slowly, so as not to break the fettuccini. Serve immediately.
The book is fabulous. Read it all on Flashbak.
Posted: 11th, October 2016 | In: Books, Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
You can now dress like Arsenal goalkeeper Petr Cech. The Metro calls Cech a “superb businessman” because he’s noticed the weather gets colder in winter and people buy more hats to stay warm.
The hat “looks exactly like his trademark helmet” – the lid Cech wears ever since he suffered a fractured skull playing for Chelsea in 2006.
The “PETR CECH knitted helmet” includes chin strap and “embroidered signature”.
The hat is not al that pretty. And Cech doesn’t like it.
“I would be more confident if I had it off. If you like it or not, the helmet affects your surroundings,” he told Tyden. “You have your ears covered and it makes hearing worse.”
They’ll fly of the shelves.
Posted: 9th, October 2016 | In: Arsenal, Sports, The Consumer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Howard Gayle was the first black footballer to play for Liverpool. The State wanted to reward Toxteth-born Gayle for footballing whilst black and working with the anti-racism charity Kick It Out with an MBE (Member of the Order of the British Empire). But Gayle, 58, was unimpressed.
He explains why he rejected the gong:
If they want to be inclusive and accepting of black people around the UK and the Commonwealth, then they need to change the title of it – as it’s an exclusive club being an MBE or OBE or one of those gongs.
A lot of people around the world contacted me to say they accepted my decision and that the title of MBE did rankle.
In his book 61 Minutes In Munich, Gaytle talks about the racism that was rife in football and society. In the 1970s and 1980s, English football was infected by racism.
Gayle recalls an episode with Liverpool enforcer Tommy ‘Anfield Iron’ Smith.
Tommy tried to distract me by making nasty comments related to the colour of my skin. For a while, I somehow managed to restrain myself…
I received the ball, controlled it, and lashed a shot towards goal. Tommy Smith was on the other team and it hit him on the leg. It clearly stung and some of the other players started laughing. I had a smile on my face as well. I saw it as karma. Tommy responded with a tirade of abuse. It was ‘black this, black that’.
The place went quiet. Everybody could hear it, including the staff. He was a legend. I was a nothing. Nobody said a word.
I’d had enough of him (Smith): this bitter old man. So I went over and squared up: nose to nose. I looked at him dead in the eye.
“You know what, Tommy; one night you’ll be taking a piss at home and I’ll be there waiting for you with a baseball bat,” I said, calmly. “And then we’ll see what you’ve got to say.”
I wanted to start a fight with him. And then he walked away…
Graeme Souness was the only one that came over in the immediate aftermath. “Well done, Howard,” he said. “Tommy deserved that”. Graeme was a true leader.
Other might have just lamped Smith.
After I left, John Barnes became the first black player to be signed by Liverpool from another club. He quickly earned the nickname of ‘Digger’, after Digger Barnes in the Dallas television series. Personally, I wouldn’t have accepted that because of its closeness to the ‘N’ word.
Hyper-sensitive? Seeing racial undertones in a nickname given to player who would be idolised at Anfield?
Things have changed. Now professional football might well be the lest colour conscious occupation in Britain – one in four of professional footballers is black.
Posted: 7th, October 2016 | In: Back pages, Books, Liverpool, Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Emma Phillips, Wallasey, Wirral, is the trainee teacher who got a large dildo stuck in her anus (?). This is no secret. Emma has not been exposed or outed in some way. She wants to tell us all about her “embarrassing” accident because it is a “taboo” we need to be warned about.
She’s told her story to Mercury Press, who have sold it to the Daily Mirror. How you prove the story of the vanishing viby is a moot point. Emma just wants to tell us about it. And we are all ears.
And no giggling as “Emma offers a thumbs up from her hospital bed”. Let’s hope she washes it first and removed any false fingernails.
One day her child will get to read about the tale of “Mum-of-one Emma Phillips”, her partner Lee Miller, 29, and the the 7 inch sex toy that “disappeared”.
When she leaned forward she could feel it vibrating inside her bottom wedged behind her hip.
Lee tried to extract the toy with a fork handle and BBQ prongs before calling for an ambulance.
In Wrexham hospital Emma underwent the “minute-and-a-half surgery which involved placing a camera down her throat and the surgeon pressing on her stomach before manually extracting i”.
And “Doctors offered her the toy as a keepsake but she decline”.
Next week: I got a BBQ stuck inside my vagina.
Posted: 7th, October 2016 | In: Key Posts, News, Strange But True, The Consumer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Alcohol remains relatively good value. Cinema tickets less so. Laura Donnelly is shocked, telling Telegraph readers: “Alcohol now so cheap 13 pints can be bought for price of cinema ticket.”
Or to flip that: Cinema is so expensive you can buy 13 pints and watch telly for the price of one ticket.
Teenagers are able to buy more than 13 pints of cider for the price of a cinema ticket, according to a new report which says children are being put at risk by “pocket money prices.”
Teenagers buying cider? Do they get it cheaper than the rest of us. She means people over 18, right?
The study from the Alcohol Health Alliance says supermarkets are selling alcohol at prices that are attracting children and harmful drinkers, because of the absence of minimum prices.
And now the facts:
Consumers could buy two and a half bottles of the cheapest white cider – Frosty Jacks – containing more than 13 pints for the standard £8.24 paid for an off-peak cinema tickets, the study found.
You can get big bottles of cider for the price of a discount cinema tickets. Why not forgo a peak-time trip to the cinema and buy a bottle of champagne?
PS: drink enough and everyone looks like a movie star – in glorious technicolour (yawn).
Posted: 6th, October 2016 | In: Broadsheets, Key Posts, Money, News, The Consumer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
We are indebted to Pies for this gem of an item for Liverpool fans looking to buy a clock. The Bradford Exchange are offering this £197.94 ‘Liverpool FC Stadium clock’, an officially licensed piece of merchandise to enliven any wall.
It is what Bill Shankly and Bob Paisley would have wanted.
Plays You’ll Never Walk Alone on the hour! Every hour!
Posted: 4th, October 2016 | In: Liverpool, The Consumer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
As newspaper investigations go, the Mail’s look at the piece of coffee 30,000 feet in the air aboard a plane is weaker than a happy hour cocktail in Riyadh. In “Revealed: How low-cost airlines inflate the price of in-flight coffee by up to 4,000 per cent”, Qin Xie repurposes as bit of PR from Kayak.co.uk, which “looked at the prices for coffee on five low-cost airlines departing from the UK – Ryanair, easyJet, Thomas Cook, Flybe and Jet2 – and compared them with the cost of making the same beverage at home.”
Budget airline unveils new low-cost seats
Unless you live aboard a passenger jet, the relative costs don’t hold water. But undeterred by the obvious, the Mail ploughs on:
For example, the cost of a cup of Lavazza coffee on Ryanair is the equivalent of £2.55 when converted from euros. But if you purchased the same coffee at supermarkets, available in 100g tins for £3, each serving comes in at just six pence.
This means a mark-up of 4,150 per cent was applied to the coffee.
What does a cup of coffee cost in high-street coffee shops, like Nero or Costa, or in a local greasy spoon cafe? Qin Xie doesn’t mention that.
But look out for the Mail campaign for the right for passengers to take aboard their own kettles, coffee granules and mugs.
PS – And look out for other ‘revelations’ on other things that cost more when not bought in bulk and consumed in the home, like, well everything.
Posted: 1st, October 2016 | In: Money, News, The Consumer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Jamie Vardy is plugging his autobiography. The Leicester City and England striker tells a good story in From Nowhere.
I had a three-litre vodka bottle at home I would put loads of Skittles sweets in. After that, you can drink the vodka neat and it tastes just like Skittles. When I was bored at home in the evening I’d pour myself a glass, sit back and enjoy. The vodka was decent but it wasn’t doing much for my dead leg, which didn’t stop bleeding for ages.
Dave Rennie, the physio, said he couldn’t believe it wasn’t improving. He’d seen a torn calf muscle heal quicker. He pulled me aside one day when nobody else was about.
“What are you doing?” Dave asked.
“Nothing I wouldn’t normally do,” I replied. Then I explained that what I’d normally do was drink Skittle vodka.
“Well, that will be why, then,” Dave said.
In other news, during a sting which has caused England manager Sam Allardyce to be investigated by the FA, he appears to have drank a pint of wine. The Guardian notes:
One question our useful feature doesn’t answer is what exactly is the England boss drinking in the picture on the front page of the Telegraph. The beverage is in a pint glass but it’s definitely not beer and doesn’t look like lager. Football365 are suggesting it’s wine…
A pint of wine? Skittles vodka. It’s like the football revolution with it microbiotic diets and image rights never happened. Football might have been repackaged for the lentil-munching classes, telling us to sit down, shut up and pay up, but here is evidence that something of the old game lingers. And you know what – we love it, don’t we.
Posted: 27th, September 2016 | In: Books, Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Ever hear of the spider whose bite can give you a four-hour erection? The spiders are free and come with bunches of Asda bananas. Right now everyone with a flaccid bellend is heading to the supermarket, browsing the aisles for discount Viagra.
Ashley Gamble tells the Sun that he bought some of the phallic fruits. His partner Sophia Newcombe and their two daughters spotted the Brazilian wandering spiders and “fled” their home after “dozens of the creepie-crawlies burst out of a nest that was stuck to a piece of fruit”.
They hoovered a load of the little beasts up but didn’t get them all. Sophia wants Asda to fumigate her home. Pfizer, makers of Viagra, doubtless want the spiders killed.
And anyone keen to offer Sophia cash for the contents of her hoover bag should be aware of the health warning: the erection lasts four hours but the man wearing it is dead inside two hours.
And, no, rigor mortis, is not a recognised cure for impotence.
Posted: 21st, September 2016 | In: News, The Consumer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Artist Craig Ward took sterilized sponges onto the New York sUbway system. He was looking for life invisible to the naked eye. He pressed the swabs into agar plates and incubated them in his Brooklyn studio.
“Over the summer of 2015, I rode the trains of each of New York City’s twenty-two subway lines, collecting bacterial samples from hand rails, seats and other high traffic surfaces in an attempt to create an unconventional series of portraits of the city’s complex eco-system and a snapshot of the city at large,” says Craig. “The resulting images are a portrait of the complex microcosm that each of us contribute to and are a part of.”
“When you hold onto the handrail it’s like you’re shaking hands with a hundred people at the same time.”
“You look at the subway and it’s all just different shapes and sizes and colours of people and you look at it at a microscopic level and it’s all just different shapes and sizes and colors of bacterial colonies,” Ward tells Bernstein & Andriulli. “It’s a nice kind of portrait of the city on a very small scale.”
The S Train – here the agar was actually removed from the plate in the shape of an S for visual variation.
Among the bugs are strains of E. coli, serratia marcescens, proteus mirabilis and salmonella.
The B, D, F and M group
Microbial residents of the L Train. They were here before it was cool.
You can buy Craig’s work here.
Posted: 21st, September 2016 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True, The Consumer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
‘Which way to the Illuminati meeting?’
The WestJet flight from Toronto to Vancouver was evacuated when someone said there were lizards loose on board.
Four iguanas were found in the bags of a passenger on a flight from Cuba to Toronto*. But by the time customs officers in Toronto checked the bags only two of the lizards were in the suitcase.
So they went back to the plane and hunted for the missing iguanas. None we found – so they fumigated the jet, presumably with the intention of killing any creatures onboard.
Rumours that the man was also carrying 17 chameleons are wide of the mark. But passengers are advised to take care when sitting and using the ‘sick bag’.
* Why four iguanas were travelling to Toronto is not known. It is very weird given that the laster Bilderberg Group meeting was in Germany?
Posted: 19th, September 2016 | In: Strange But True, The Consumer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Liverpool have a new ‘official timing parter’. It’s a brand called Holler. This is how Holler announced the deal on their website:
Yeah, not a single wrist in sight. Odd that a brand specialising in watches would show three Liverpool players not wearing one between them.
Holler describes itself thus:
The Official Timing Partner of Liverpool FC.
Holler was born out of a long history of soul music originating in the 1960’s. Soul is a genre which combines different elements of gospel music and rhythm and blues.
And what is soul music without watches?
And they’re on Twitter. This was how @HollerFC account tweeted about Liverpool.
It looks like Holler announced the deal and then mocked Liverpool for their lack of league titles in recent years, praising Manchester United for good measure.
Like the time when Americans knew nothing about football…
NOTE: Is the @HollerFC account authentic? The Drum says:
…speculation around the legitimacy of the new Holler FC Twitter account in relation to the Holler brand has since circulated. However the @Holler_Soul twitter account, which has over 19,000 followers, had promoted the launch of the Holler FC division in its Twitter background page which read: “Coming soon at HollerFC.com”. This has since changed but a screenshot of the old background can be seen below.
Liverpool celebrate their last last league title win on April 28 1990.
Posted: 8th, September 2016 | In: Key Posts, Liverpool, Money, Sports, The Consumer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Claus Jørstad of Alta, Norway got his testicle trapped in a MARIUS Stool from IKEA. We mention the product’s name so that any masochists know which one to go for.
MARIUS – GSOH, loves to hug
Claus was seated on his stool in the shower when one of his testicles got stuck in a hole on the seat. The story goes that hot water caused them to expand – not the holes; the nuts – and Claus was transformed into a Nordic-budget furniture hybrid.
“Sitting there and noticing the accident, I bent down to see what happened, I realized the little nutter has got stuck,” he tells the Daily Mail.
Happily, Claus eventually ran out of hot water and the cold stuff caused considerable shrinkage.
Elsewhere in IKEA:
Posted: 7th, September 2016 | In: Key Posts, News, Strange But True, The Consumer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Tired of li-los and inflatables that look like dolphins, fish and dinosaurs, why not buy a six-foot cockroach to float on?
Kangaroo’s Gigantic Cockroach Raft is yours for $29.99.
Spotter: Bored Panda
Posted: 30th, August 2016 | In: The Consumer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Former Strictly Come Dancing hoofer Ola Jordan reveals her “sexist secrets” in the Sun. Ola is the new “celebrity face” of Ann Summers, the high-street store selling aids to masturbation.
SAUCY Ola Jordan has confessed she wears a blindfold in bed to let her dancer husband know whether sex is on – or off – the cards.
If your wife will only shag you when she’s blindfolded, you might worry. If she asks you to wear David Beckham’s new scent behind the armpits, play a recording of George Clooney breathing and promise not to talk, you might worry a little more. Or you might just think, ‘Well, that lazy eye always was a little distracting’ and crack on.
Ola, 33, said: “It’s so good. On one side it says ‘Yes Please’ and on the other side it says ‘Not Tonight’.
“When I don’t fancy it, I just put that side, ‘Not Tonight’.
The funny thing is that he also wears blindfolds to communicate his sex drive, and they’ve not seen each other in bed for years. Nah, they are, of course, at it “hammer and tongs”, as the Sun says.
As husband James reads his wife’s mask and wonders if she’s asleep before watching slinking off to Match of the Day, we see a picture of Ola dressed in her busy undies.
Yeah, she’s wearing less than she does on prime-time telly.
Posted: 23rd, August 2016 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, The Consumer, TV & Radio | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
What did Roald Dahl taste of? We can soon find out becsaue the 40FT Brewery, in Dalston, north east London, and Bompas and Parr are creating Mr Twit’s Odious Ale. You don’t have to be Twit to buy the stuff, just a hipster or some other kind of fetishising tw*t.
Ales of the Unexpected
And apparently it’s what Dahl would have wanted:
With permission from The Roald Dahl Literary Estate and The Roald Dahl Museum in Great Missenden, Buckinghamshire, swabs were taken from the authors writing chair, preserved for posterity at the museum. The beer is to be brewed in the Polish Grätzen style.
Get Bucks the beer has “a light golden colour with relatively high carbonation”- like a runny fart.
So give me a bug and a jumping flea,
Give me two snails and lizards three,
And a slimy squiggler from the sea,
And the poisonous sting of a bumblebee,
And the juice from the fruit of the ju-jube tree,
And the powdered bone of a wombat’s knee.
And one hundred other nasty things as well
Each with a rather nasty smell.
I’ll stir them up, I’ll boil them long,
A mixture tough, a mixture tough, a mixture strong.
And then, heigh-ho, and down it goes,
A nice spoonful (hold your nose)
Just gulp it down and have no fear.
‘How do you like it, Granny dear?’
Will she go pop? Will she explode?
Will she go flying down the road?
Will she go poof in a puff of smoke?
Start fizzing like a can of Coke?
(I’m glad it’s neither you nor me.)
Oh Grandma, if only you knew
What I have got in store for you!’
Posted: 22nd, August 2016 | In: Celebrities, News, Strange But True, The Consumer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Why are you fat? Why are you not fat? Polly Tonybee knows. She writes in the Guardian:
The Tories must tackle the real cause of obesity: inequality
When fat meant prosperous and jolly and thin meant poor and mean, it was about inequality. Now that fat means you’re poor and thin means you’re on message, it’s all about inequality. The only thing that fits for all is that the rich and knowing want to school you.
Polly want to ban advertising of certain foods to youngsters watching telly.
Obesity is no one’s choice, as everyone wants to be thin: young children now worry about body image, and rates of anorexia – obesity’s evil twin – are rising.
The simple fact is that we eat more calories than we can burn off. When the poor had no cars and central heating, they walked and worked in manual jobs. They were thin. The rich with their hearths, carriages and desk jobs were fat.
To be obese signifies being poor and out of control, because people who feel they have no control over their own lives give up…
It signifies the post-war miracle of plentiful food for all.
It is inequality and disrespect that make people fat…
…the social facts suggest Britain would get thinner if everyone had enough of life’s opportunities to be worth staying thin for. Offer self-esteem, respect, good jobs, decent homes and some social status and the pounds would start to fall away.
This abstraction that being thin means you have more to live for and have higher self-esteem is bizarre, as is the news that being fat means you have psychological issues. Food isn’t eaten because you’re greedy, don’t walk enough, don’t do physical labour and it’s cheap. Food is State-sanctioned therapy. And you’re the victim.
Posted: 19th, August 2016 | In: Broadsheets, News, The Consumer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Is the Guardian beyond parody? In “The highway to summer hell leads straight through the Hamptons” Emma Brockes moans about holidaying in the exclusive enclave. Damned is she forced to holiday at one of the resort towns on the Long Island coast, where the average property goes for over $1m.
The American summer tradition of clearing out of cities for the beach every weekend is at odds with an equally strong tradition of avoiding inconvenience. But for some reason the beach always wins.
Six hours on the road with small children in the back? No problem. A two-hour tailback? Just part of the package. A three-hour journey out of Penn Station to East Hampton, on a train so crowded you have to stand the whole way? Deal with it.
She then knocks the UK:
Granted, unlike in Britain, where you can stand up for hours on a train to get to a beach that looks like a large mudflat, at least the sand on Long Island is pretty. The dunes are pristine, the weather is hot and, if you trudge far enough from the path, you don’t have to see another human for hours.
Hell is other people with loads of money.
And Emma is earning out of her hols to the Hamptons, having on June 30 this year written more about her jolly hols:
The apartment complex was on a stretch of idyllic, empty beach and a five-minute drive from a town where a litre of coffee, a bag of pistachios and a small strawberry ice cream cost a fortune…
Pass the bucket. No, not to be sick in it. If you and the other 1 per cent can chuck a few coins in the thing, we and The Guardian (£173 pre-tax loss!) would be ever so grateful…
Posted: 29th, July 2016 | In: Broadsheets, News, The Consumer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
So how did CNN illustrate the story of the Islamist maniac who murdered scores of people on Bastille Day in Nice, France? With an advert for Falken tires [sic] that grip:
Native advertising is a horror, Whoever invented it should be taken from this place and forced to live in an echo chamber.
Posted: 16th, July 2016 | In: Key Posts, News, The Consumer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0