THE High Street is dying. It’s victim of restructuring. But until it can be redesigned to make better use of space and local retailers and suppliers who can’t afford exorbitant rates set before the internet kicked in, the high street will continues to feature empty units.
But why not pretend they’re real shops? At Coronation Square shopping centre in Hester’s Way, Cheltenham, the owners of a struggling shopping centre have been filling empty lots with fake shops. They are remarkably unimaginative. Why not have a WMD retailer, a purveyor of stains that look like Jesus Christ or a shop selling cats that look like Hitler?
The internet is winning. The old high street needs to readjust:
HOW do you deter a Chinese pervert? No, not a question to Roy Chubby Brown’s audience, rather one posed to millions of women on Weibo (China’s Twitter). Well, the answer is to dress up like pre-depilated Kim Kardashian. Los Angeles, the city that gave Basildon the tattoo sleeves, now gives Beijing the hairy leg:
“Super sexy, summertime anti-pervert full-leg-of-hair stockings, essential for all young girls going out.”
Of course, this might just be Prince William showing off his plucked feet. The web can be full of lies. It’s hard to know what to believe.
And what about the perverts who get turned on by well-carpeted young girls? Catering for perverts is a hazardous business. Whatever you do, someone is going to get excited…
Spotter: Laughing Squid
SO. You bought a penis cake tin fro a Hen Night and wanted to reuse the pan?
For sale: This Game of Thrones suit of armour for your guinea pig.
FIANLLY! “The PartyFowl *Made-To-Order* Diaper Harness for full-grown ADULT pet Ducks, Geese, Chickens, and other Poultry.” Yours for £25 each:
THE Art of the Brick is Nathan Sawaya’s show at Discovery Times Square museum. (That’s him in the above photo.) It is “the world’s biggest and most elaborate display of LEGO art ever and will feature brand-new, never-before-seen pieces”. If you can make a living from the toys of your youth, you’ve done something right…
ALL hail the Wendy’s worker who sucked the sweet honey of Frosty vanilla ice cream straight from the teet.
And then Wendy’s sacked him:
THIS is the audio of a man calleng the West Midlands Police on 999 to say that the prostitue he’s hired is in breach of the Sale of Goods Act. He says her advert overstated her good looks.
The Sale of Goods Act 1979 gives consumers legal rights, stipulating goods which are sold must be of satisfactory quality, be fit for purpose and must match the seller’s description.
Sale by description.
13. 1 – Where there is a contract for the sale of goods by description, there is an implied [F9term] that the goods will correspond with the description.
14 . 2 – Where the seller sells goods in the course of a business, there is an implied term that the goods supplied under the contract are of satisfactory quality.
FINDING the right flatmate can be tricky. Take this advert spotted on Gumtree:
Lodger required, Brighton
Available to couples
Hello, I am looking for a lodger in my house. I have had a long and interesting life and have now chosen Brighton as a location for my retirement. Among the many things I have done in my life is to spend three years alone on St. Lawrence Island. These were perhaps the most intense and fascinating years of my life, and I was kept in companionship with a walrus whom I named Gregory. Never have I had such a fulfilling friendship with anyone, human or otherwise, and upon leaving the island I was heartbroken for months. I now find myself in a large house over looking Queens Park and am keen to get a lodger. This is a position I am prepared to offer for free (eg: no rent payable) on the fulfillment of some conditions. I have, over the last few months, been constructing a realistic walrus costume, which should fit most people of average proportions, and allow for full and easy movement in character. To take on the position as my lodger you must be prepared to wear the walrus suit for approximately two hours each day (in practice, this is not two hours every day – I merely state it here so you are able to have a clear idea of the workload). Whilst in the walrus costume you must be a walrus – there must be no speaking in a human voice, and any communication must entail making utterances in the voice of a walrus – I believe there aer recordings available on the web – to me, the voice is the most natural thing I have ever heard. Other duties will involve catching and eating the fish and crabs that I will occasionally throw to you whilst you are being the walrus. With the exception of this, you will be free to do whatever you choose, and will have a spacious double room, complete run of the house (with the exception of my bedroom and my workshop), and use of all facilities within. I am a considerate person to share a house with, and other than playing the accordion my tastes are easy to accomodate.
Due to the nature of this position I will need to audition all applicants before agreeing to take the chosen candidate on as a lodger. Please contact me if you have any questions.
LOVE is… Donald Featherstone and his wife Nancy have been wearing matching outfits for the past 35 years.
GUY Delisle, a French Canadian, has written A User’s Guide to Neglectful Parenting. In this extract Delisle and his daughter chat about a box of Shredded Wheat:
WHY did Stephen Wilson name his garage gymnasium at East Calder, West Lothian, the Choir Boy Grooming Room? Is he hoping to attract the key and as-yet-untapped clerical keep-fit market? Is the venue more Jim Savile than gym fit?
Neighbours are not happy at the naming and the sign he put up. They called the police.
But Mr Wilson says it’s all a joke:
“I came up with the name because choir boys are seen as quite weak, and grooming, although nowadays is seen as sexual and associated with paedophiles, is also a training term meaning preparing your body and mind for something. I just put a different slant on the name.”
RIGHT now a US donuts Rights lawyer is drawing up litigation to sue the arse off Dunkin’ Donuts for breach of glaze. The woman making this video of herself insulting employees of a Florida Dunkin’ Donuts store might look like a lazy, thick, bigoted, pathetic, delusional, self-important arsehat. But in reality she’s just pushing the envelope of the US legal profession.
If you see any terrible tributes, please let us know.
Spotter:The World’s Best Ever
HUXLEY vs. Orwell: the comic, by Stuart McMillen adapts Neil Postman’s Amusing Ourselves to Death argument that Aldous Huxley’s vision of the future in Brave New World was more prescient than George Orwell in 1984:
HIRSUTE tycoon Donald Trump’s Scottish golf course is the world’s best. The American Academy of Hospitality Sciences has awarded Trump’s Aberdeen course its Six Star Diamond Award.
Back in May, AAHS awarded a “SIX STAR DIAMOND AWARD” to the Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster in New Jersey for the third consecutive year.
HOW the PR industry works. Mad Men siren Christina Hendricks is in coversation with Esquire. She has previously noted: “I love it when a man orders Scotch. Most women find it a big turn-on.”
ESQ: Are you an actual Scotch drinker?
CH: I am, I am. That’s how the whole thing came about with Johnnie Walker. I had done an interview with you guys and they asked me what a man should drink, and I said Scotch. I was sort of intrigued by it years ago. I’d slowly over the years order myself one. And now that I’ve been working with Johnnie Walker, I’ve learned more about it. I have a whole new appreciation for it and much more knowledge about it. I think it’s always more fun when you really know a lot about what it is, whether it’s what you’re cooking, or your wine, or Scotch.
LEE Tyers was recorded by a camera spicing his curry with his public hairs. Mr Tyers, 40, was dining in Jamals Indian Restaurant, Middlesbrough, when he commended a staff member’s attention to the pubes in what remained of his lamb bhuna.
One problem. As the eatery’s Jamal Chowdhury indicated, the pube was brown and all the staff had natural black hair. The collars and cuffs did not match. Mr Tyers left without setting the bill. Mr Chowdary showed police the CCTV footage.
BIZARRELY, in 2013, there are people who still define other humans by the colour of their skin. All white people are ruthless and can’t dance, all black people are criminals, all yellow people are karate experts and all brown people want to blow up planes. Apart from the white people who are poor and live in Russia, the black people who are pillars of society, the yellow people who would like to point out they’re not actually yellow and the brown people who are generally lumped together because they don’t fit in the other categories.
And everyone forgot about the Native and South Americans.
FEEL free to insert your own pussy jokes into this article: Karl Lagerfeld wants to marry his cat.
The 79-year-old fashion imbecile is well known for letting ridiculous things fall out of his anus-shaped mouth, but bestiality might top the rest.
“I never thought I would fall in love like this with a cat,” Lagerfeld said.
NO! Asda is not calling its customers morons. ‘Moron’ is the Welsh word for carrots.
Spotter: Robert Mills
THE Exxxotica Expo, is the biggest sex show in the USA. It’s also where the fans get meet the object of their fantasies. And it’s watching the fans that make the trip worthwhile. What do you do when you meet a stranger you lust after? Let’s see:
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FRENCH designer Alexis Persani has dressed statues as hipsters. I see your shop window mannequin and raise you a marble God:
SCARY, creepy adverts stick in the mind. This means they must be working.
Chuck in children and the fear factor is cranked up: