Anorak

The Consumer Category

We bring you the chic and unique, the best and most bizarre shopping offers both online and offline. We offer you tips on where to buy, and some of the less mainstream and crazy, individual and offbeat items on the internet. Anything that can be bought and sold can be featured here. And we love showcasing the best and worst art and design.

Confessions of a Johnson & Johnson rectal thermometer tester

If you hate your job, think on. First buy a Johnson & Johnson rectal thermometer…

 

If You Think You Hate Your Job, You Need To Read This

dsds

 
When you’ve had an absolute “I hate my job” day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

“Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested”

Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: “I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company”.

Have a nice day everyone and remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours.

I thought they all worked for RyanAir?

Spotter: TheMetaPicturef

Posted: 7th, December 2018 | In: Money, The Consumer | Comment


Sweden campaigns for standardised sex toys as hospital cases of objects stuck up rectums grows

sex toy

 

The Swedish Standard institute is working towards increased security for users of sex toys. Anna Sjögren, project manager at SIS, Swedish Standards Institute, points to the peril of ineffective sex toys. The press release is informative:

The new standardization committee is working on a proposal for a global standard that will be sent to the ISO standardization organization hoping more countries will participate. The standard will benefit both consumers, manufacturers, retailers and purchasing managers.

Today there are no standards that directly affect the design or quality assurance of this kind of products, either in Sweden or internationally. If the product has a battery, that particular part falls under the EU Low Voltage Directive, but it does not say much about the design or risk analysis made by the manufacturer in the design stage or demanding information for the consumer.

But what about those perils? Sjögren points us to a study in the International Journal of Colorectal Disease. It looked at the rectums arriving at Stockholm South General Hospital.

Retained foreign rectal objects may require surgical removal. To estimate the magnitude of this problem, we report the incidence and treatment of retained rectal objects at a large emergency hospital, and calculate incidence rates at the national level in Sweden.

We show an increasing incidence in rectal foreign bodies in Swedish national data. The increase was most noticeable in men…To mitigate surgical cost and comorbidity, policies to decrease the risk of retained sex toys could be considered.

Objects like…

Median age was 41 years (range 15–92) and 65 (76%) were males. The majority of incidents were self-inflicted (72%)… The objects were sex toys (dildos and butt plugs) in 41% of cases. The other 59% consisted mostly of cans, bottles, candles, and eatables. We admitted 63 patients (74%) where bedside retrieval was unsuccessful. In 3 patients, the object spontaneously ejected while awaiting surgery.

The solution?

We hypothesize that a safety string or adequate-sized stopper potentially could have prevented retaining the dildos, since a recurring problem was difficulty in grasping the objects endoluminally.

And lighting candles before ‘digestion’…

 

electric-cord

Picture 1 of 7

Posted: 4th, December 2018 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True, The Consumer | Comment


Poo found on every McDonald’s touchscreen tested

McDonalds poo

 

Is McDonald’s chasing the authentic farm-to-table experience by smearing poo on its touchscreen monitors, Touch. Inhale. And in an instant you’re cow-side at the farm. Metro reports on findings by the London Metropolitan University whose researchers found fecal matter on every touchscreen they tested across eight different McDonald’s restaurants – six in London and two in Birmingham. On all screens the researchers found coliforms – bacteria found in digestive tracts and turds. 

Paul Matewele, a microbiology lecturer at London Metropolitan University, is quoted: “Touchscreen technology is being used more and more in our daily lives but these results show people should not eat food straight after touching them. They are unhygienic and can spread disease. Someone can be very careful about their own hygiene throughout the day but it could all be undone by using a touchscreen machine once.”

No proof that it has. But the theory is there. Maybe McDonald’s customers should be sheep-dipped on entry and exit? And is eight screens a big test? Surely not. McDonald’s operates approximately 1300 restaurants in the UK of which around 1100 are franchised. The Metro doesn’t say who owns the eateries the researchers checked. McDonald’s says it said cleans the self-order screens throughout the day. Sadly it doesn’t clean its patrons. 

This research is thinner than, well, anyone who eats at a McDonald’s. The fact is that anywhere where people touch things without first washing their hands thoroughly present a risk of contamination. Why else do you think Ronald McDonald wears gloves? 

 

Posted: 1st, December 2018 | In: Key Posts, News, The Consumer | Comment


You can buy the console Led Zeppelin used to record Stairway to Heaven

Recording console led zeppelin

 

The Helios console Led Zeppelin used it to record Stairway to Heaven is for sale. And that’s not all. The mixing desk is the combination of two recording consoles pulled together n 1996 by Elvis Costello and Squeeze’s Chris Difford.

This slice of history is for sale at Bonhams:

They used part of the Island Records Basing Street Studio 2 Helios Console (1970-1974) and part of Alvin Lee’s Helios console from Space Studios (1973-1979).

The two consoles were combined in 1996 after Difford and Costello acquired both from storage in order to set up their own studio HeliosCentric Studios ‘which would be for everyone to use – a chapel of music in a quiet spot.’ They sought advice from the original creator of Helios, Dick Swettenham, and carefully amalgamated the pair to create what is arguably one of Swettenham’s first, last, and largest project.

The newly combined console was installed on a peaceful farm in Rye that became a haven for musical artists and has been in constant use ever since. Artists who have used the console in both their original and amalgamated guises include: Led Zeppelin, Bob Marley & The Wailers, Eric Clapton, The Rolling Stones, George Harrison, Jeff Beck, Stephen Stills, Jimi Hendrix, Mott The Hoople, Cat Stevens, Free, KT Tunstall, Athlete, Paolo Nutini, Sia, Olly Murrs, Dido, Pet Shop Boys, Scouting For Girls, David Bowie, Paul Weller, Mud, Gary Barlow, Supergrass and Keane.

Department Specialist Claire Tole-Moir comments: ‘It is hard to overestimate how crucial a role this console has played in the British rock and pop scene. It is entirely unique, being an amalgamation of two already incredibly influential and important consoles, and in its current form has hosted some of the most popular bands of recent years. Songs and albums recorded on this bespoke console and its original parts rank among some of the most recognizable and best-loved pieces of music in existence, and have resulted in Grammys, Brit Awards and multiple number one spots. This console is a piece of Britain’s modern cultural history.’

Spotter; Dangerous Minds, Flashbak

Posted: 30th, November 2018 | In: Music, News, The Consumer | Comment


Manchester United sell kit that does not actually exist

man-utd-fourth-kit-leopard

 

Dreaming up news to market the band is hard graft. But Manchester United are very good at it. The Brand are selling a replica kit that does not exist in the real world. The kit is a “digital concept” within the world of FIFA 19. The “Adidas x EA Sports Manchester United” kit has been designated as the club’s fourth kit. But it only exits in the the computer game. The horror show continues as Adidas announce that only “limited quantities” of the hideous neon leopard skin shirt will be produced and put on sale. So if you want to dress like a video game avatar pretending to an actual footballer, get in there fast. Yours for €90.

Bayern Munich, Juventus and Real Madrid are also prepping to flog digital kits to the slack-jawed masses. 

 

Posted: 23rd, November 2018 | In: Fashion, manchester united, News, Sports, Technology, The Consumer | Comment


Signal-Activated Lingerie: the clap-off bra is here

bra clap-off automatic patent

 

Tired women, adolescents and theatre-goers rejoice (and beware), the clap-off bra is upon us. Michael M. Ahmadshahi Ph.D., Esq. has invented and patented Signal-Activated Lingerie:

“Lingerie, such as bras which are worn by females, have a fastening mechanism, such as a hook-type fastener, which is difficult to open, especially for the male counterpart. A bra according to the present invention could be made using a signal-activated fastener such that the female’s boyfriend or husband could clap his hand and the bra would automatically open.”

The voice-activated bra, thought-activate bra and leering-activate bra all remain at the planning stages.  

Spotter: New Shelton

Posted: 23rd, November 2018 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True, Technology, The Consumer | Comment


Massachusetts mayor plans to pickle the state’s first legal marijuana

weed boston

“I am not pickled – but my weed is”

 

From today you can buy weed legally in Massachusetts for fun. The state’s first commercial marijuana stores opened for business. Stood first in the queue was Northampton, Mass. mayor David Narkewicz. CBS News tells us:

When asked whether the purchase is simply ceremonial or it will be consumed, Narkewicz said, “I am actually going to probably preserve it and display it…because it is historically significant.”

It isn’t. Really, it isn’t – not unless you also have the first bag of crips sold in a pub and other humdrum consumables in a home museum to the everyday. A lump of pickled weed is simply a waste of weed.

“There has been marijuana use going on in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts for a long, long time. What’s changing is it’s now being regulated. It’s now being tested. It’s now being strictly monitored. That’s really the major change that’s happening,” Narkewizc said.

Ah, smell that – it ain’t freedom blowin’ in the wind, folks. It’s the stench of regulation. 

Posted: 20th, November 2018 | In: Key Posts, News, Politicians, The Consumer | Comment


13 Ways to reuse your Thanksgiving turkey – by F. Scott Fitzgerald

F. Scott Fitzgerald (September 24, 1896–December 21, 1940) – will now offer 13 ways to reuse your Thanksgiving turkey. The writers says the recipes were harvested from “old cook books, yellowed diaries of the Pilgrim Fathers, mail order catalogues, golf-bags and trash cans. Not one but has been tried and proven — there are headstones all over America to testify to the fact”. 

Eat at cook’s own risk:

Turkey Cocktail: To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of angostura bitters. Shake.

Turkey à la Francais: Take a large ripe turkey, prepare as for basting and stuff with old watches and chains and monkey meat. Proceed as with cottage pudding.

Turkey and Water: Take one turkey and one pan of water. Heat the latter to the boiling point and then put in the refrigerator. When it has jelled, drown the turkey in it. Eat. In preparing this recipe it is best to have a few ham sandwiches around in case things go wrong.

Turkey Mongole: Take three butts of salami and a large turkey skeleton, from which the feathers and natural stuffing have been removed. Lay them out on the table and call up some Mongole in the neighborhood to tell you how to proceed from there.

Turkey Mousse: Seed a large prone turkey, being careful to remove the bones, flesh, fins, gravy, etc. Blow up with a bicycle pump. Mount in becoming style and hang in the front hall.

Stolen Turkey: Walk quickly from the market, and, if accosted, remark with a laugh that it had just flown into your arms and you hadn’t noticed it. Then drop the turkey with the white of one egg—well, anyhow, beat it.

Turkey à la Crême: Prepare the crême a day in advance. Deluge the turkey with it and cook for six days over a blast furnace. Wrap in fly paper and serve.

Turkey Hash: This is the delight of all connoisseurs of the holiday beast, but few understand how really to prepare it. Like a lobster, it must be plunged alive into boiling water, until it becomes bright red or purple or something, and then before the color fades, placed quickly in a washing machine and allowed to stew in its own gore as it is whirled around. Only then is it ready for hash. To hash, take a large sharp tool like a nail-file or, if none is handy, a bayonet will serve the purpose—and then get at it! Hash it well! Bind the remains with dental floss and serve.

Feathered Turkey: To prepare this, a turkey is necessary and a one pounder cannon to compel anyone to eat it. Broil the feathers and stuff with sage-brush, old clothes, almost anything you can dig up. Then sit down and simmer. The feathers are to be eaten like artichokes (and this is not to be confused with the old Roman custom of tickling the throat.)

Turkey à la Maryland: Take a plump turkey to a barber’s and have him shaved, or if a female bird, given a facial and a water wave. Then, before killing him, stuff with old newspapers and put him to roost. He can then be served hot or raw, usually with a thick gravy of mineral oil and rubbing alcohol. (Note: This recipe was given me by an old black mammy.)

Turkey Remnant: This is one of the most useful recipes for, though not, “chic,” it tells what to do with the turkey after the holiday, and how to extract the most value from it. Take the remnants, or, if they have been consumed, take the various plates on which the turkey or its parts have rested and stew them for two hours in milk of magnesia. Stuff with moth-balls.

Turkey with Whiskey Sauce: This recipe is for a party of four. Obtain a gallon of whiskey, and allow it to age for several hours. Then serve, allowing one quart for each guest. The next day the turkey should be added, little by little, constantly stirring and basting.

For Weddings or Funerals: Obtain a gross of small white boxes such as are used for bride’s cake. Cut the turkey into small squares, roast, stuff, kill, boil, bake and allow to skewer. Now we are ready to begin. Fill each box with a quantity of soup stock and pile in a handy place. As the liquid elapses, the prepared turkey is added until the guests arrive. The boxes delicately tied with white ribbons are then placed in the handbags of the ladies, or in the men’s side pockets.

Spotter: Brain Pickings, via flashbak

Posted: 18th, November 2018 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment


‘First Man’ reveals interesting facts about Neil Armstrong

‘First Man’ reveals interesting facts about Neil Armstrong

A small step for a man a giant leap for humanity that is how Neil Armstrong’s first step on the moon was described back then. An authorized biography of Neil Armstrong was published in 2005 which goes by the name ‘First Man’. Recently a movie of the same name was also released. When Sinatra sang “Fly me to the moon”, he’d never have thought that it might become a possibility. That’s exactly what Elon Musk’s SpaceX programme is trying to do, start commercial trips to the moon for billionaire passengers. This has been the biggest development since the moon landing. Moon is the closest object to us in the space and thus the idea of buying land on the moon is not inconceivable anymore.

 


But all that is in the distant future. Let us talk about the moon landing and the facts that the recently released movie has not documented.

Neil Armstrong never believed space travel would be possible

He believed that he had born in the wrong generation. He was a naval pilot during the Second World War and thought that the limits of aeronautical greatness were already reached. He once said that “all the flights that have set records such as across the oceans, over the poles and to the remotest places on earth have all been accomplished.

Who’d step on the moon first

In March of 1969 just months before the date of landing the NASA had not come to the decision as to who’d be the first man to land on the moon. But then four big shots in the NASA met and decided that it had to be Neil Armstrong who had a calm, quiet and composed personality. He was said to be of the ‘Lindbergh type’ – the first man to complete the trans-Atlantic voyage non-stop. 

He was quiet but had a sense of humour

The movie depicts Armstrong as an introvert. And that was more or less true in real life too. The people close to him have said that he was a man who believed that a man’s actions define him more than his words do. His wife Janet also agreed that silence is her husband’s answer to most things.

However the film fails to capture Armstrong’s humour. After the Apollo XI mission he revealed about a geology prank that he had thought of. He said that he was planning to sneak a piece of limestone on Apollo XI and tell it to be a rock from the moon on returning. He didn’t follow through on it though but what a story that could have been!

Another moment highlights his easy going nature. Just before entering the spaceship he gave a card to Guenter Wendt, the launch pad leader, which read “Space Taxi – good between any two planets”.

The first moon landing was a remarkable achievement for mankind. And there is a lesson to take there. When we are together as one there is nothing mankind can’t achieve.

Posted: 14th, November 2018 | In: Technology, The Consumer | Comment


The diamond ring made entirely of diamond

jony ive diamond ring

 

How big is your diamond ring? Well, it depends on the size of your finger? Sothebys is overseeing the sale of a wholly diamond ring created by Apple design guru Jony Ive and Marc Newson. If you want it made bigger, well, save up. And you can all get one because the all-diamond diamond ring is totally man-made:

Creating a ring-shaped diamond is no small feat; the diamond block will be faceted with several thousand facets, some of which are as small as several hundred micrometers. The interior ring will be cylindrically cut out for the desired smoothness using a micrometer thick water jet inside which a laser beam is cast. The finished ring will have between 2000-3000 facets which has never been seen before on a single piece.

The first one will set you back an estimated $150-$250k. If you want a really big one, say for a tunnel into Yemen, price is on application. (Call me Saudi Arabia, I have ideas…)

Posted: 13th, November 2018 | In: Key Posts, News, The Consumer | Comment


Stan Lee reads Edgar Allan Poe’s The Raven

stan lee

 

‘The only advice anybody can give is, if you wanna be a writer, keep writing. And read all you can, read everything” – Stan Lee (December 28, 1922 – November 12, 2018).

One story Stan Lee read and enjoyed was Edgar Allan Poe’s The Raven. The artist and storyteller who created Spider-Man, Iron Man and the X-Men reads from the book. It’s terrific. Thank you for all the stories, Stan Lee. “Excelsior!”

 

 

Spotter: Stan Lee reads Edgar Allan Poe’s The Raven – Open Culture

Posted: 12th, November 2018 | In: Books, Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


The death of bingo halls

The death of bingo halls

If bingo were a sport, it would be the 6th most popular sport in the country. Over 1.9 million people regularly play bingo each month in this country compared to 1.7 million who play tennis.

Online bingo is the main driver in popularity for bingo, with weekly bingo hall figures dropping by more than 14% in the past year alone. The death of the bingo hall, while sad, is completely and entirely expected – given the comfort and convenience with which they can play their favourite game, and the high-quality, engaging nature of the graphics you can get for free online. That’s why you can’t blame many players heading to sites such as Wink Bingo which are infinitely more appealing than their local bingo hall.

But bingo halls leave behind a rather amusing legacy. Let’s look back at some of the funniest bingo stories from the annals of time.

Bingo brawls

Bingo traditionally brings out the worst in people, particularly those of an older generation who may on the outside seem genteel, calm and placid. When a regular winner calls ‘bingo!’ there are whispered insults from around the room, questioning what sort of Faustian pact the winner must have struck to keep garnering such bingo success.

Sometimes bingo players even throw their cards at each other, assault one another with purses, dabbers and walking sticks. However on occasion it gets serious, especially when the new generation of players meet the old.

In 2016 a full scale brawl broke out at a bingo hall in Derby when a group of millennials fell afoul of the elderly regulars. According to onlookers an elderly regular was heard describing the youngsters as ‘lacking in respect’.

The millennials made so much noise during the bingo that people were complaining they couldn’t hear the balls being called. One patron decided enough was enough and hurled her handbag in her enemies’ direction, which sparked the brawl.

A crowd of millennials pounced on their aged counterparts and punches were thrown with police arriving on the scene in a matter of minutes to apprehend the offenders. Wendy Lee, 50, from Chaddesden, said she had “never seen anything like it” in her 20 years of playing bingo.

Another witness, Jim Hamer, 66, from Darley said, “It was just a few stuffy old sorts getting their knickers in a twist.”

So forget Connor McGregor’s next fight, head down to your local bingo hall to see some of the most frantic fighting action in the world.

 

bingo caller

 

Bingo rhyming slang

In Victorian times many Londoners communicated by Cockney rhyming-slang, using phrases such as:

  • Battle Cruiser – The boozer – pub
  • Apple and Pears – Stairs
  • Brown bread – Dead
  • Pat and Mick – Sick
  • Orchestra Stalls – Balls

This rhyming slang made its way into bingo halls all around the country just after the end of the Second World War. Here is a mixture of classic, bizarre and downright strange bingo calls.

5 and 7, Heinz Varieties – Baked Beans were traditionally made with 57 unique ingredients, hence this bean style reference.

1 and 0, Theresa’s Den – UK Prime Minister Theresa May lives at number 10 Downing Street, otherwise known as her den.

3 and 0, dirty Gertie – This one definitely shows the main demographic of bingo halls, with it being a reference to a Second World War song of the same name about a dirty woman called Gertrude.

Number 9, Doctor’s orders – Another war reference, signifying the ‘number 9 pill’ that was given to troops with a non-specific illness. The pill was a laxative and was intended to ‘clear out’ the troops.

8 and 8, two fat ladies – This refers to the shape of the numbers, with an 8 looking like a slightly rotund woman.

5 and 6, was she worth it? – Another incredibly dated reference, this time to the price of a marriage license in the 1950’s, 5 shillings and sixpence. Normally women around the country shout back, “every penny” when the caller reads out 56.

Strange sellers

There’s no more classic a sight than a man in a trench coat walking around a bingo hall, opening up his coat to reveal a plethora of stolen goods, all available for a pound. Instead of going down to the local pub – where the police would often be – thieves chose the bingo hall instead to flog their hauls.

As a child there was a time when I thought that the bingo was actually a butchers because of all the meat my Grandma brought back with her. There’d also be Nicky trainers, Roy Ban sunglasses and Leroy’s jeans circulating around.

Ashley Graham Holland from Manchester took it way too far in 2017 when he stole £15,000 worth of goods from his employer John Lewis and flogged his ill-gotten gains on eBay and in his local bingo hall. Fortunately a Good Samaritan spotted him selling electronic goods one day and tipped off police.

Peter Kay satirises the bingo hall

 

 

Before Peter Kay made it big with his hilarious comedy Phoenix Nights, he had to prove to TV producers that he had what it took to be a writer, director and actor. The project that highlighted his talents was That Peter Kay Thing, a six-part series that featured completely individual fly on the wall style mockumentaries.

The second episode in that series was Eyes Down which centred on the goings on of Bolton’s premier bingo establishment – Apollo Bingo!

Eyes Down was loosely based on Kay’s own experiences of working in a bingo hall when he was a teenager and the popularity of the episode was hugely detrimental to the reputation of bingo. Here’s what Kay pokes fun at:

The callers: In Eyes Down Peter Kay plays (among others) the role of Scouse bingo caller Tom, who sees himself as somewhat of a celebrity. His interviews to camera are centred on his famous connections and he tells stories to big himself up, like when he had to turn down an appearance from Shirley Bassey because she wasn’t prepared to get changed in a disabled bathroom. Tom also indulges in the ridiculously crass jokes that epitomise small town bingo callers. 

The intensity: In the opening scenes Peter Kay’s main protagonist is telling the camera about why he hates his job working at the bingo hall. He says it’s the worst job he’s had, and that’s doubly bad considering he once worked in a Harvester. One of the reasons he hates the job is because of the intensity that the players play with. He regales us with a story about a man who called for help for his wife, she was having a stroke but he couldn’t help as he had to carry on filling out her card. That might sound a bit far-fetched, but it’s undoubtedly happened at a bingo hall in the UK at some point, which is why it’s funny.

In summary

The bingo hall is dead. Yes, it remains the unique haunt of an elderly generation that still enjoy Second World War references from their bingo caller, but as that generation slowly shuffle off this mortal coil, the new home for bingo is online.

In all seriousness, if you were interested in playing bingo now you’d just download an app and play from the comfort of your own home. You can also play on mobile, meaning you can have a flutter while you’re on the move. No dabbers needed, no annoying bingo callers, no pain in the backside competitors – just bingo and chill.

Posted: 23rd, October 2018 | In: Technology, The Consumer | Comment


Punters at Ohio haunted house subjected to mock-rape attack

At Ohio’s Akron Fright Fest, an “extreme haunted houses”, visitors sign a disclaimer stating they realise the place features not actual ghouls and demons, but actors who might touch them. According to reports, the actors might also shove the paying punters to the ground and simulate rape. Hollywood should sue Akron Fright Fest for allegedly nicking its intellectual property.

Ryan Carr claims he was shoved over and assaulted. The Huffington Post reports Carr’s girlfriend, Sarah Lelonek, tried to stop it:

“She comes over and yells, ‘Stop! What are you doing? That’s my boyfriend,’” Carr recalled Lelonek saying. He then described the masked person’s response: “‘Not anymore, he’s mine now. I’m going to rape him,’ and then he started thrusting against me.”

The Huffington Post also hears claims that a 16-year-old boy was tossed onto a mattress and subjected to a mock rape, during which the actor told him to “squeal like a pig”. A spokesman for the venue says he’s “shocked” and “appalled”. The staffers “who worked in the area where the incident allegedly occurred have been suspended”. “Obviously, rape is a horrible act,” he said. “Even a mock rape scene has no place as part of any entertainment.”

Unless it’s on the nightly news, of course…

Posted: 17th, October 2018 | In: News, The Consumer | Comment


Princess Margaret’s absurd morning rituals were ‘such fun’

princess margaret daily routine

 

In 1955, Princess Margaret shared with the world her morning routine. The Queen’s chain-smoking sister’s regimented daily habits, with her “punishing schedule of drinking and smoking”, were revealed in Ma’am Darling by the satirist Craig Brown. “For a while,” writes Brown, Princess Margaret “glued matchboxes to tumblers so that she could strike matches while drinking, but it was a craze that never caught on.’ But worse than her fabled rudeness – an “unstoppable urge to say the first thing that came into her head, just so long as it was sufficiently unpleasant” – and vapid weltschmerz of her rank in life, were the sycophants. As Brown notes:

Receiving a prize from the young Princess Margaret in 1958, the 52-year-old John Betjeman was so overwhelmed by her curvaceous presence that tears came into his eyes, a reaction duly noted by his waspish friend, Maurice Bowra, the chairman of the judges, who lampooned it in a parodic verse:

“Green with lust and sick with shyness
Let me lick your lacquered toes.
Gosh, O gosh, your Royal Highness
Put your finger up my nose …”

Mingling with the obsequious is wonderful, but the morning’s were peak princess:

 

 

They really are not like the rest of us. As JG Ballard noted in Princess Margaret’s Facelift: “Somewhere in this paradoxical space our imaginations are free to range, and we find ourselves experimenting like impresarios with all the possibilities that these magnified figures seem to offer us.” As Mags would say through a tight mouth, her sarcastic eyes a small sign of life amongst the panto Munsters, “Such fun!”

Posted: 15th, October 2018 | In: Books, Key Posts, Royal Family | Comment


Eugenie and Jack Brooksbank order the drinks and leave us with the bill

brooksbank eugenie tequila

 

Jack Brooksbank has ordered the drinks for his wedding to Princess Eugenie but – dang! – he’s left us with the bill. Get a load of the press release and the official drinks:

 

Ladydees and gentallmen, please raise you glasses and charge your official branded Cosa-minga cocktails to the British public. Huzzah!

Posted: 12th, October 2018 | In: Royal Family, The Consumer | Comment


Anyone lose a pink dildo at the Brighton v West Ham match?

Good on twitter for making an amusing story more suggestive. During Brighton’s home win over West Ham in the Premier League, the Sun tweets: “Brighton’s win over West Ham interrupted by ref picking up sex toy.” 30,000 people look on as the the old “w**ker in the back” blows his whistle to signal a break in play fore hailing a taxi to the local ‘marital aides shop’, or maybe picked something up online?

 

 

The story is less bizarre, as ref Kevin Friend picked up a neat, pink set of plastic cock and balls lobbed on to the pitch by a fan in the throes of ecstasy.

 

dildo football

 

They do get so very excited:

 

Posted: 6th, October 2018 | In: Back pages, Sports, Strange But True, The Consumer | Comment


Cold War Steve: Steve McFadden stars in an exhibition by Twitter’s greatest artist

Cold War Steve mcfadden

 

The art of Cold War Steve is to feature in an exhibition at The Social, London. Called A Brief History of the World (1953 – 2018), the show’s running thread is the presence of British actor Steve McFadden, famed for playing tough nut Phil Mitchell on the BBBC dystopian soap opera, EastEnders. There’s fun to be had in spotting famous faces from the world stage and British telly. Personal favourites are poleaxed TalkSport DJ Alan Brazil and the late Cilla Black offering a quizzical look to us from the montage – a look that says ‘Who invited you?’ and ‘What the bloody hell am I doing here?’

Christopher Spencer, the talent behind @ColdWarSteve explains it simply: ” The more incongruous they were, the funnier.” And, boy, are they funny:

 

Cold War Steve mcfadden Cold War Steve mcfadden Cold War Steve mcfadden

 

More from @ColdWarSteve on Twitter.  A Brief History of the World (1953 – 2018) is at The Social from October 15.

Posted: 27th, September 2018 | In: Celebrities, News, The Consumer, TV & Radio | Comment


Worst US Soccer Kits!

WITH Stevie Gerrard looking like he’s off to play football in the United States of America, most likely to live in the sunny climate of Los Angeles to play for David Beckham’s old lot at the Galaxy, it is worth remembering just how weird it’ll be, seeing Gerrard in a kit that isn’t England or Liverpool’s.

And speaking of kits, America has had some of the most dismal jerseys imaginable. With everyone being fans of retro kits these days, it is nice to imagine the Anfield legend playing in some of these abominations.

Here’s some of the most stomach turning kits in American soccer’s history.

Kansas City Wizards

The Wizards’ kit is a funny one because, even though it is clearly an absolute howler of a kit, there’s something that is borderline nice about it. Obviously, you have to have an eye for all things ’90s, but those rainbow sleeves are as pleasing as they are vomit-inducing.

1997KansasCity

Colorado Caribous

Perhaps the worst/best kit in football’s long history, the Caribous turned out in a beige number which had delightful tassles on the chest. They didn’t exactly light up the North American Soccer League. They played for one season and lost 22 of their 30 games.

Colorado Caribous

USA ’94

When America was awarded the FIFA World Cup in 1994, they didn’t play in that lovely all-white we see them in now. The home kit was red and white stripes, like the stripes of the star spangled banner. The away kit completed the flag with a pretty awful blue thing covered in stars.

usa-away

San Jose Clash

The San Jose Clash clearly took the ‘clashing’ element of their name and applied it to this horror show. A lovely minty teal with urine yellow and ketchup red. Nike’s design room clearly knocked this up at 5 to 5 on a Friday when they all wanted to get down the pub.

san jose clash

Detroit Express

Even though this lovely photo of Trevor Francis doesn’t really do it justice, the Detroit Express kit was a particularly horrible shade of orange, that was only found in the 1970s. Admiral, the kit makers, were known for their bold designs, so in a way, there’s a certain charm to it,

Express

New England Tea Men

To really ram home the name of the New England Tea Men, Umbro thought it might be a fun idea to stick a gigantic letter ‘T’ on all the kits. The awkward design was only matched by the awkward perms as displayed by some of the players.

Tea Men 78 Head Mike Flanagan 2_small

San Diego Sockers

While not the most disgusting kit in memory, you have to include the mighty San Diego Sockers because, when the players ran across the pitch, if the material folded, it looked like they were called the ‘Suckers’.

Sockers

Tampa Bay Mutiny

The kit was a disaster and so too, was the Tampa Bay Mutiny franchise. No surprise really as what player would want to run out in this garish number? Fans weren’t likely to be too keen on it either.

tampabaymutiny

Posted: 26th, September 2018 | In: Fashion, Sports | Comment