The Consumer Category
We bring you the chic and unique, the best and most bizarre shopping offers both online and offline. We offer you tips on where to buy, and some of the less mainstream and crazy, individual and offbeat items on the internet. Anything that can be bought and sold can be featured here. And we love showcasing the best and worst art and design.
Jamie Vardy is plugging his autobiography. The Leicester City and England striker tells a good story in From Nowhere.
I had a three-litre vodka bottle at home I would put loads of Skittles sweets in. After that, you can drink the vodka neat and it tastes just like Skittles. When I was bored at home in the evening I’d pour myself a glass, sit back and enjoy. The vodka was decent but it wasn’t doing much for my dead leg, which didn’t stop bleeding for ages.
Dave Rennie, the physio, said he couldn’t believe it wasn’t improving. He’d seen a torn calf muscle heal quicker. He pulled me aside one day when nobody else was about.
“What are you doing?” Dave asked.
“Nothing I wouldn’t normally do,” I replied. Then I explained that what I’d normally do was drink Skittle vodka.
“Well, that will be why, then,” Dave said.
In other news, during a sting which has caused England manager Sam Allardyce to be investigated by the FA, he appears to have drank a pint of wine. The Guardian notes:
One question our useful feature doesn’t answer is what exactly is the England boss drinking in the picture on the front page of the Telegraph. The beverage is in a pint glass but it’s definitely not beer and doesn’t look like lager. Football365 are suggesting it’s wine…
A pint of wine? Skittles vodka. It’s like the football revolution with it microbiotic diets and image rights never happened. Football might have been repackaged for the lentil-munching classes, telling us to sit down, shut up and pay up, but here is evidence that something of the old game lingers. And you know what – we love it, don’t we.
Ever hear of the spider whose bite can give you a four-hour erection? The spiders are free and come with bunches of Asda bananas. Right now everyone with a flaccid bellend is heading to the supermarket, browsing the aisles for discount Viagra.
Ashley Gamble tells the Sun that he bought some of the phallic fruits. His partner Sophia Newcombe and their two daughters spotted the Brazilian wandering spiders and “fled” their home after “dozens of the creepie-crawlies burst out of a nest that was stuck to a piece of fruit”.
They hoovered a load of the little beasts up but didn’t get them all. Sophia wants Asda to fumigate her home. Pfizer, makers of Viagra, doubtless want the spiders killed.
And anyone keen to offer Sophia cash for the contents of her hoover bag should be aware of the health warning: the erection lasts four hours but the man wearing it is dead inside two hours.
And, no, rigor mortis, is not a recognised cure for impotence.
Artist Craig Ward took sterilized sponges onto the New York sUbway system. He was looking for life invisible to the naked eye. He pressed the swabs into agar plates and incubated them in his Brooklyn studio.
“Over the summer of 2015, I rode the trains of each of New York City’s twenty-two subway lines, collecting bacterial samples from hand rails, seats and other high traffic surfaces in an attempt to create an unconventional series of portraits of the city’s complex eco-system and a snapshot of the city at large,” says Craig. “The resulting images are a portrait of the complex microcosm that each of us contribute to and are a part of.”
“When you hold onto the handrail it’s like you’re shaking hands with a hundred people at the same time.”
“You look at the subway and it’s all just different shapes and sizes and colours of people and you look at it at a microscopic level and it’s all just different shapes and sizes and colors of bacterial colonies,” Ward tells Bernstein & Andriulli. “It’s a nice kind of portrait of the city on a very small scale.”
Among the bugs are strains of E. coli, serratia marcescens, proteus mirabilis and salmonella.
You can buy Craig’s work here.
The WestJet flight from Toronto to Vancouver was evacuated when someone said there were lizards loose on board.
Four iguanas were found in the bags of a passenger on a flight from Cuba to Toronto*. But by the time customs officers in Toronto checked the bags only two of the lizards were in the suitcase.
So they went back to the plane and hunted for the missing iguanas. None we found – so they fumigated the jet, presumably with the intention of killing any creatures onboard.
Liverpool have a new ‘official timing parter’. It’s a brand called Holler. This is how Holler announced the deal on their website:
Yeah, not a single wrist in sight. Odd that a brand specialising in watches would show three Liverpool players not wearing one between them.
Holler describes itself thus:
The Official Timing Partner of Liverpool FC.
Holler was born out of a long history of soul music originating in the 1960’s. Soul is a genre which combines different elements of gospel music and rhythm and blues.
And what is soul music without watches?
And they’re on Twitter. This was how @HollerFC account tweeted about Liverpool.
It looks like Holler announced the deal and then mocked Liverpool for their lack of league titles in recent years, praising Manchester United for good measure.
Like the time when Americans knew nothing about football…
NOTE: Is the @HollerFC account authentic? The Drum says:
…speculation around the legitimacy of the new Holler FC Twitter account in relation to the Holler brand has since circulated. However the @Holler_Soul twitter account, which has over 19,000 followers, had promoted the launch of the Holler FC division in its Twitter background page which read: “Coming soon at HollerFC.com”. This has since changed but a screenshot of the old background can be seen below.
Liverpool celebrate their last last league title win on April 28 1990.
Claus Jørstad of Alta, Norway got his testicle trapped in a MARIUS Stool from IKEA. We mention the product’s name so that any masochists know which one to go for.
Claus was seated on his stool in the shower when one of his testicles got stuck in a hole on the seat. The story goes that hot water caused them to expand – not the holes; the nuts – and Claus was transformed into a Nordic-budget furniture hybrid.
“Sitting there and noticing the accident, I bent down to see what happened, I realized the little nutter has got stuck,” he tells the Daily Mail.
Happily, Claus eventually ran out of hot water and the cold stuff caused considerable shrinkage.
Elsewhere in IKEA:
Tired of li-los and inflatables that look like dolphins, fish and dinosaurs, why not buy a six-foot cockroach to float on?
Kangaroo’s Gigantic Cockroach Raft is yours for $29.99.
Spotter: Bored Panda
Former Strictly Come Dancing hoofer Ola Jordan reveals her “sexist secrets” in the Sun. Ola is the new “celebrity face” of Ann Summers, the high-street store selling aids to masturbation.
SAUCY Ola Jordan has confessed she wears a blindfold in bed to let her dancer husband know whether sex is on – or off – the cards.
If your wife will only shag you when she’s blindfolded, you might worry. If she asks you to wear David Beckham’s new scent behind the armpits, play a recording of George Clooney breathing and promise not to talk, you might worry a little more. Or you might just think, ‘Well, that lazy eye always was a little distracting’ and crack on.
Ola, 33, said: “It’s so good. On one side it says ‘Yes Please’ and on the other side it says ‘Not Tonight’.
“When I don’t fancy it, I just put that side, ‘Not Tonight’.
The funny thing is that he also wears blindfolds to communicate his sex drive, and they’ve not seen each other in bed for years. Nah, they are, of course, at it “hammer and tongs”, as the Sun says.
As husband James reads his wife’s mask and wonders if she’s asleep before watching slinking off to Match of the Day, we see a picture of Ola dressed in her busy undies.
Yeah, she’s wearing less than she does on prime-time telly.
What did Roald Dahl taste of? We can soon find out becsaue the 40FT Brewery, in Dalston, north east London, and Bompas and Parr are creating Mr Twit’s Odious Ale. You don’t have to be Twit to buy the stuff, just a hipster or some other kind of fetishising tw*t.
And apparently it’s what Dahl would have wanted:
With permission from The Roald Dahl Literary Estate and The Roald Dahl Museum in Great Missenden, Buckinghamshire, swabs were taken from the authors writing chair, preserved for posterity at the museum. The beer is to be brewed in the Polish Grätzen style.
Get Bucks the beer has “a light golden colour with relatively high carbonation”- like a runny fart.
So give me a bug and a jumping flea,
Give me two snails and lizards three,
And a slimy squiggler from the sea,
And the poisonous sting of a bumblebee,
And the juice from the fruit of the ju-jube tree,
And the powdered bone of a wombat’s knee.
And one hundred other nasty things as well
Each with a rather nasty smell.
I’ll stir them up, I’ll boil them long,
A mixture tough, a mixture tough, a mixture strong.
And then, heigh-ho, and down it goes,
A nice spoonful (hold your nose)
Just gulp it down and have no fear.
‘How do you like it, Granny dear?’
Will she go pop? Will she explode?
Will she go flying down the road?
Will she go poof in a puff of smoke?
Start fizzing like a can of Coke?
(I’m glad it’s neither you nor me.)
Oh Grandma, if only you knew
What I have got in store for you!’
Why are you fat? Why are you not fat? Polly Tonybee knows. She writes in the Guardian:
The Tories must tackle the real cause of obesity: inequality
When fat meant prosperous and jolly and thin meant poor and mean, it was about inequality. Now that fat means you’re poor and thin means you’re on message, it’s all about inequality. The only thing that fits for all is that the rich and knowing want to school you.
Polly want to ban advertising of certain foods to youngsters watching telly.
Obesity is no one’s choice, as everyone wants to be thin: young children now worry about body image, and rates of anorexia – obesity’s evil twin – are rising.
The simple fact is that we eat more calories than we can burn off. When the poor had no cars and central heating, they walked and worked in manual jobs. They were thin. The rich with their hearths, carriages and desk jobs were fat.
To be obese signifies being poor and out of control, because people who feel they have no control over their own lives give up…
It signifies the post-war miracle of plentiful food for all.
It is inequality and disrespect that make people fat…
…the social facts suggest Britain would get thinner if everyone had enough of life’s opportunities to be worth staying thin for. Offer self-esteem, respect, good jobs, decent homes and some social status and the pounds would start to fall away.
This abstraction that being thin means you have more to live for and have higher self-esteem is bizarre, as is the news that being fat means you have psychological issues. Food isn’t eaten because you’re greedy, don’t walk enough, don’t do physical labour and it’s cheap. Food is State-sanctioned therapy. And you’re the victim.
Is the Guardian beyond parody? In “The highway to summer hell leads straight through the Hamptons” Emma Brockes moans about holidaying in the exclusive enclave. Damned is she forced to holiday at one of the resort towns on the Long Island coast, where the average property goes for over $1m.
The American summer tradition of clearing out of cities for the beach every weekend is at odds with an equally strong tradition of avoiding inconvenience. But for some reason the beach always wins.
Six hours on the road with small children in the back? No problem. A two-hour tailback? Just part of the package. A three-hour journey out of Penn Station to East Hampton, on a train so crowded you have to stand the whole way? Deal with it.
She then knocks the UK:
Granted, unlike in Britain, where you can stand up for hours on a train to get to a beach that looks like a large mudflat, at least the sand on Long Island is pretty. The dunes are pristine, the weather is hot and, if you trudge far enough from the path, you don’t have to see another human for hours.
Hell is other people with loads of money.
And Emma is earning out of her hols to the Hamptons, having on June 30 this year written more about her jolly hols:
The apartment complex was on a stretch of idyllic, empty beach and a five-minute drive from a town where a litre of coffee, a bag of pistachios and a small strawberry ice cream cost a fortune…
Pass the bucket. No, not to be sick in it. If you and the other 1 per cent can chuck a few coins in the thing, we and The Guardian (£173 pre-tax loss!) would be ever so grateful…
So how did CNN illustrate the story of the Islamist maniac who murdered scores of people on Bastille Day in Nice, France? With an advert for Falken tires [sic] that grip:
Native advertising is a horror, Whoever invented it should be taken from this place and forced to live in an echo chamber.
Know what time it is with this cuckoo clock in the form of the axe scene from The Shining. On the hour every hour Jack Torrance with menace you with a “Here’s Johnny!”. For added homeliness, Shelley Duvall’s character will scream her head off.
It’s made by Chris Dimino.
When I first saw the videos “things left behind at Glastonbury”, I expected to see Jake passed out in the mud and Sienna entangled in a huge dream catcher. What the video shows is tents – lots and lots and lots of tents abandoned by festival goers. It is mind-blowing to see. These tents cost a lot money. Why would you just leave it behind for someone else to pack away? Why not burn it and keep warm?
Ronald McDonald has been shot at a fast-food restaurant on the USA. Police need not round-up the usual suspect – Hamburglar, Jamie Oliver, France – because Telvin Drummond, 24, from Lumberton, North Carolina, is helping them with their enquiries.
Mr McDonald was shot during an argument behind a Sonic Drive-In restaurant. Reports say the two began shooting at each other and Ronald McDonald was hit.
He’s ok. It is very likely that Mr McDonald cannot be killed by conventional weapons.
Relive the magic of Raiders of the Lost Ark by setting fire to SS Schweinhund Arnold Ernst Toht. Watch his face melt, just like in the movie. Gestapo agent?
Melting Toht is from Firebox.
“It’s horrible to think about that now because it pooed everywhere and we were left wondering what we’d eaten. We decided to have the rest on Sunday but when I dropped the leaves on my plate I just saw this thing in my hand. I thought, ‘what on earth is this?’.
“It frightened me to death and my wife was extremely upset. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life.
“I could probably have coped if it was something small, like an ant, but this was more like something from the Bible. I can’t believe it was still alive after all that time in the bag, first on the shelf and then in our fridge.
“It’s worrying because the bag says the salad’s ready washed but they obviously haven’t cleaned it that well. When the shock had passed we just had some cheese sandwiches… I’d like to think the locust might go to an insect expert who can find a use for it.”
That salad sounds revolting – even a locust won’t eat the stuff.
Travel news in the Daily Mail, with Georgia Diebelius. She introduces readers to a stunning Moorish castle built in 1605:
These are the haunting images of an Italian castle that still stands in pristine condition, despite being left abandoned for more than 20 years. The Castello di Sammezzano in Tuscany, Italy, was built in the early 17th century by Spanish nobles and was even visited by Emperor Charlemagne….
Would that be Charlemagne, aka Charles the Great (born late 740s – 28 January 814) or an imposter?
If only there was a resources, some kind of electronic database, for writers to look up facts on…
To New South Wales, Australia, where butcher Jeff Rapley from Naroomais talking about the sign in his shop window that promises, “Eating two strips of Rapley’s award-winning bacon for breakfast reduces your chance of being a suicide bomber by 100%.”
He fails to “or your money back!” but Jeff does add that he meant no offence and “no particular religion was mentioned“. “I’m definitely not a racist and didn’t mean for it to cause offence,” says Jeff.
The Vegan Militia has yet to respond.