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The Consumer | Anorak - Part 97

The Consumer Category

We bring you the chic and unique, the best and most bizarre shopping offers both online and offline. We offer you tips on where to buy, and some of the less mainstream and crazy, individual and offbeat items on the internet. Anything that can be bought and sold can be featured here. And we love showcasing the best and worst art and design.

Fiona Phillips’ Face, Olay And Truth In Advertising

FIONA Phillips, the GMTV presenter, is the face of Oil of Olay, an “anti-ageing product”. She’s 49. Olay is a product that does wonders, says the advert:

Discover Regenerist’s most concentrated serum for dramatically firmer skin on the face, neck and décolletage, and experience younger-looking skin in a matter of weeks.

And it’s done wonders for Phillips, who before we saw her on the Olay ads looked lined and typical for her age. And that face is all nature’s work. As she said:

“I just don’t understand Botox and plastic surgery. I’d never ever do it.”

Fiona is not in pursuit superficiality of youth and beauty.

If there’s a situation where I didn’t get work because I look too old, sod it. I’m not going to change for any superficial TV exec. Anyway, it’s not a true reflection of life – everyone ages.

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Posted: 25th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Johnny Rotten’s Sex Pistols Perfume And Other Novelty Drinks

JOHNNY Rotten has brought his own perfume to the market. It’s Rotten smell for him and for her. It’s called “The Sex Pistols”.

It retails for £32.50 for 50ml, and is best dabbed on the scrotum (for him), or on a tampon (for her) and mixed with snot and butter to make a delicious cocktail.

Its makers at Etat Libre d’Orange says Rotten perfume wearers “must resist tradition and fight conformity”.

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Posted: 23rd, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)


Asterix The Gaul Shills For America’s McDonald’s

ASTERIX and Obelix are celebrating another win over the Romans by feasting on chicken gizzards and fries in a McDonalds’ eatery.

You can fight the imperial Roman armies, Asterix. But you can’t beat corporate America. That gourd of isotonic magic potion comes in a branded coldi-holder with oversized straw.

Asks Le Figaro:

“After resisting the Romans, have the Americans finally scalped the invincible little Gaul?”

You mean the little Gaul with his own theme park, lunch boxes, chess pieces, dishes and little plastic objects d’art made in China is in it for the cash?.

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Posted: 19th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Middle Class Families Turn To ASDA For Aid Relief

MUCH debate over news that middle-class families are to lose child benefits. It will “cost a typical family with two children more than £1,700 a year” (Mail).

But will it. Anorak has calculated that if you buy Asda own-brand wine and humus, and replace the labels with old ones from Waitrose, you can survive.

Says one grateful mum:

“Who would have thought that a place like Asda existed? Thanks Anorak.”

Some of these shops are open 24 hours a day. Anorak suggests waiting until 2am to go shopping.

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Posted: 18th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)


Inside the World’s Most Opulent Planes With Michelle Obama – A Gallery

MICHELLE Obama takes Air Force 2 to Spain to see if she alone can rescue the country’s economy and teach the locals about the American dream of prosperity and we wonder about the plane. Is it good enough for this modern Marie Antoinette?

We know that Michelle is selfless. When she flew to Copenhagen with Oprah Winfrey and Barack , she billed the trip to try and the Olympics for Chicago, she opined: “As much of a sacrifice as people say this is for me or Oprah or the President to come for these few days, so many of you in this room have been working for years to bring this bid home.”

It’s time Michelle got selfish and thought about herself for once. We’ve pulled together a gallery of jets more in keeping with her status:

Image: 14

Adnan Khashoggi

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Adnan Khashoggi made billions in the 1960s and 1970s by brokering arms deals between the USA and Saudi Arabia – and he was famed for his lavish lifestyle, owning planes, yachts and a dozen stretched limousines. The Saudi Arabian bought this DC-8 plane in 1982 for $31 million and splashed out a further $9 million to transform a run-of-the-mill airliner into a bespoke plane for the world’s richest man.

Posted: 18th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)


The Naked Mad Men Matchbox Barbie Doll Calendar

TO raise awareness for Matchbox (and some they might not want), students Breno Cosa and Guilherme Souza, of the The Brother Ad School of Buenos Aires, merged the tried-and-tested medium of undressed women and cars. They bought some plastic Barbie dolls, got them naked and used them to advertise Matchbox in a way Pirelli would approve of.

Next stop, Mad Men the stop motion picture, with Christine Hendricks as you’ve never seen her before.

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Posted: 18th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Ready For The BP Halloween Costume?

IN time for Halloween, the BP horror costume – an outfit of green overalls, dead wish and oil stains. News of this outfit comes to us via AOL, where the writer calls BP British Petroleum. Obama should like that, but the company is called BP. It employs 30,000 US workers.

And, in any case, although the lettering, logo and joke all suggest BP, the manufacturer of this stained overall say BP stands for Bad Planning.

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Posted: 17th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


A Song For Sun4U Victims And Cheap Flights Survivors

IN light of the news travel firm Sun4U has collapsed – leaving approximately 1,200 customers with the compulsory gift of an extended holiday overseas – we bring you a song on free flights.

Fascinating Aida are preparing for boarders…

The feckin’, feckin’ gobsites – words are NSFW…

Spotter

Posted: 13th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Lucky Merseyside Woman Banned From All Sainsbury’s

LUCKY Christine Turton, of Crosby, Merseyside, has been banned from every Sainsbury’s in the UK for using another person’s Nectar card to buy groceries.

Merseyside Police had arrested her on suspicion of fraud. But she was released without charge. The supermarket’s ban. however, remains in force.

Anorak thinks that since she is banned, she should not have to endure those Jamie Oliver adverts and with them the temptation to go shopping in ‘Saynsbwiez’ for sausages, hummus and all manner of pre-packed sugary delights that taste much better than homemade things made without additives.

The adverts should be banned under the Human Rights Act.

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Posted: 12th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (15)


After Your Denny’s Fried Cheese Melt How About Some Deep-Fried Cheesecake?

BEFORE the video of how to make deep-fried cheesecake, a look at Denny’s new eats – a “fried cheese melt”.

For $4, you get “four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread. It is served with French fries and a side of marinara sauce.”

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Posted: 12th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (7)


Rosie Huntington-Whiteley’s Incredible Photos Are Robot Porn

ROSIE Huntington-Whiteley is taking over form Megan fox as the object of teenage boys’ adolescent daydreams as the Tansformers’ films love interest. She is also the face of Burberry, and the backside, bra, bosom and thighs of Victoria’s Secret, The Plymouth-born lovely is the face of the Incredible bra, a bra so incredible that you can’t take you eyes off it no matter how much buttock Rosie shows you. Try it. It’s as if the bra follow you around the room…

Spotter: Stylebrity

rosie-huntington-whiteley-11

Posted: 12th, August 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment


Jedward Work As Foamy Gnome Ballast: Pictures

JEDWARD, the epitome of Simon Cowell’s gift to music and NOT mephedrone freaks have been launching the Rowntree’s Randoms ‘Foamy Gnome on the Roam’ tour, in Richmond Park. The Foamy Gnome has left his flatmates, Jedward, behind and is off on a random adventure in his giant hot air balloon. Is this the future for Jedward: ballast? The only way is down.  Stay tuned…

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ALTERNATE CROP. John and Edward Grimes, better known as Jedward, during a photocall to launch the Rowntree's Randoms 'Foamy Gnome on the Roam' tour, in Richmond Park.

Posted: 12th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)


Property Porn Pictures: A Look Inside London’s £140m Flat At One Hyde Park

PROPERTY porn time, readers, as we take you inside the world’s most expensive flat, a £140m property on the Knightsbridge side of London’s Hyde Park (dyslexic readers may read Hype Park).

The compact and bijou residence is a unit on Christian and Nick Candy’s latest development, One Hyde Park.

For just over £6,000 per square foot, the two-floor apartment has four bedrooms, a tunnel connecting you to the neighbouring Mandarin Oriental Hotel, floor-to-ceiling windows, a McLaren dealership downstairs, SAS-trained security guards (not in the SAS but trained by the SAS – so not that impressive), bullet-proof windows, an air purifier to combat poison gas attacks and the passing bus emissions, a panic room to feed your persecution complex, and shiny bell on the front door.

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Posted: 11th, August 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comments (5)


The Sexy C-String For Your ‘Sexy Area’ – A Video

“THE Sexy C-String For Your Sexy Area” can be worn under “skirts, dresses etcetera”…

Your present-a is vewy interwested in fings. Next stop for her, readin’ der whevver on channall fyve in her C-string…

Small, medium or large? Or all three at once?

C is for ‘Comfi’, as in Anorak’s ownbrand of trousers, the Comfi-Slax.

The Other Products You Missed:

ashlee-simpson

Posted: 4th, August 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment


Marks & Spencer’s Plus Fit Range For Fat Kids Is Typo Of The Year

MARKS & Spencer’s is offering for sale a uniform for the fat. They’ve beaten Gerry Cottle to it.

M&S is selling school blazers for obese three-year-olds and school uniforms in a size 18.

Says one shopper:

“I’ve been waiting for his my whole adult life, as has the entire pervert community. We’ve been demanding uniforms for big women and now, finally, M& S has brought them to market. The difficulty in finding uniforms to fit big-boned wives is well documented in our newsletter, TOSS (The Onanist Society Syndicate).

“Here’s to fat nurses, fat nuns and massively chunky cowgirls”

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Posted: 26th, July 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Lucozade Linked To Hyperacticity: Pushy Parents Rush To Buy Stocks

HAPPY days for mums and dads looking to make their sons the next Wayne Rooney – the makers of Lucozade and Irn-Bru tells parents that the drinks may cause hyperactivity.

It’s no guarantee – but fingers crossed that without enough Lucozade and Irn Bru in his diet by the time Armani takes to the pitch he’ll be so charged up  and off his face he’ll make our Wayne look as docile as, well Wayne Rooney at the World Cup.

Warning: Lucozade does not work on everyone – a fact illustrated by Alan Shearer who despite endorsing the drink looks to be barely alive when talking in a TV capacity while seated.

A newly introduced EU law enforces Lucozade and Irn Bru to carry “warnings” (surely a promise? – ed) that the drinks can cause young children to go bonkers, running about and screaming obscenities.

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Posted: 25th, July 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Subtle Butt Is Your Personal Fart Neutralizer, With Video

YOU’VE experienced the wonder of “The Fart-Eating Blanket For A Better Marriage”. Now thrill to the Subtle Butt a filtering system for your anal emissions.

Says the blurb:

“Subtle Butt” is a piece of fabric that has undergone activated carbon anti-microbial treatment. When inserted into underwear, these small pieces promise to absorb and neutralize gas and odors before they escape from your clothing and, well, escape into the surroundings. Result? Your intestinal distress is only for you to know.

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Posted: 22nd, July 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (4)


Elvis Presley’s Autopsy Is For Sale: Pictures

THANKS to the good people at Leslie Hindman Auctioneers, you can buy some of the instruments used on Elvis Presley autopsy. It being what the King would have wanted. On August 12, 2010 – “just four days before the anniversary of the entertainer’s death” – you can buy some Memphis memorabilia.

All of the items used in the autopsy and funeral preparations will be offered at auction, including: rubber gloves, forceps, lip brushes, comb and eye liner, needle injectors, an arterial tube and aneurysm hooks. According to the owner, the items were used only once.

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Posted: 21st, July 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)


Naked Meaty Peta Dumb Animal Pamela Anderson Is Banned In Canada: Pictures

PAMELA Anderson’s Peta vegetarian advert is banned in Canada. In the “sexist” adverts – which is not banned on Anorak – Pammy is inviting a cosmetic surgeon/ butcher to get to work on her “rump”, “ribs” and “breast”.

Sexiest Adverts (NSFW)

Meat eaters might well baulk at chomping on middle-aged, sun-dried Pammy and all those additives. And get a load of the slogan – “All Animals Have The Same Parts“. Well, yes, but Pammy has paid good money to have her parts bigger, more and coated in a special browning agent.

Sexy Foods

Canadian politicos on Montreal see the sign and tell Peta that it goes against the “battle of equality between men and women“. Anderson calls it “puritanical“:

“In a city that is known for its exotic dancing and for being progressive and edgy, how sad that a woman would be banned from using her own body in a political protest over the suffering of cows and chickens.”

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Posted: 17th, July 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)


World Cup Press Release Of The Day: The Three Lions Salad

THE World Cup is over – and it was over for England well before it as over for Spain. But how can the football be sued to sell ptroduct? McCann Erickson tries:

While the Three Lions failed to set the pitch alight in South Africa, McCann Erickson PR managed to bring football home – backing the star signing to Britain’s World Cup BBQs this summer with the official England Three Lions Salad.”

The three lions salad if limp, lifeless and covered in stale has-beans…

Posted: 15th, July 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Rochdale Shopping Centre Installs The Iranian Squat Toilets

THE Rochdale Exchange has introduced Iranian toilets to capture the shoppers’ weapons of mass destruction.

The Iranian toilet is also known as the squat toilet, or the Nile pan. The user does not sit on the seat but rather hovers over a hole. The thrill of the aim cannot be overlooked. Men now have the option to chase the blue brickette in the urinal trough or enact a bombing run over Tehran.

The Manchester Evening News reports:

Community activist Ghulam Rasul Shahzad said managers decided to offer a wider range of WCs after attending one of his training courses.

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Posted: 14th, July 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)


The Worst, Sexy, Weird And Greatest Company Names

PRESENTING a gallery of the world’s most unfortunate company names. You’ve seen the perverted company logos. You’ve thrilled to Ginger Minge and her nominative determinism class. You’re ready…

Posted: 7th, July 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comments (5)


Madonna’s Photos For Dolce & Gabbana: The D&G Foreskin Head Sock

MADONNA is back for more youthful fashion adverts, this time for Dolce & Gabbana. The D&G Madge Veil is available by mail order from D&GBabyPereneum.com. In one picture, Madge is handling a cock, perhaps trying to milk it for a serum. In another she is drinking a tincture of snakes’ eyeballs and toe of newborn panda. In another she is plucking the infant’s foreskin to use as a neck sock. The pick of the pictures is the one in which the old woman hidden in the D&G atelier is seen stitching the D&G Veil by hand. Doctors Nip ‘n’ Tuck look on with a keen eye…

Madonna’s Untouched Face For Louis Vuitton: Photos
Madonna Pays Homage To Susan Boyle’s Cat In Dolce And Gabbana Ads: Pictures

madonna-before-dg

Posted: 6th, July 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment


The Most Useless Female Products Ever

RETAILERS loves the sexes because they can package the same item two ways. Razor for him. A vibrating dildo razor for her. We kid you not. In this gallery of the worst female-only products of all time, we see the jean thongs, the biscuit that makes your breast grow faster than your bum, the urine cup and the smile trainer that teaches your glum mouth how to smile. Sits back in your female chair in your female Comfi-Slax and flick through the catalogue, femininely…

Baby Shirt

Picture 1 of 14

Run!

Via,via,via,via,via,via,via, via and.

Posted: 24th, June 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment


The Funniest Receipts Ever

DO enjoy this collection of receipts with humorous inserts and plain wrong details. The waitress is “slow but tries”. That fine wine you bought in the bottle shop is “cat’s wee” to the store’s owner. What do you do with “Batman Sperm”? The stuff you can buy at Wal-Mart is banned in many states and jurisdictions. Thank you for reading. Hurry on back, yer’al…

receipts-funny-1

Posted: 24th, June 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment