Amy Winehouse To Star In New Patridge Family Show

AMY Winehouse’s metamorphosis into I’m A Celebrity’s Katie Price moves on as news reaches us that the singer wants more plastic surgery.

Yes, we know. This is the second Amy Winehouse story of the day but there is now more of her to cover. (Katie Price’s columns inches are correlated to the sixe of her Jordans.)

Having been cut up and sewn back together around the chest, Amy now wants to have her nose altered. Can it be that Amy has been looking at those London Zoo elephants with envy? “I’ll ‘ave me one ov dose noses,” says she. Bigger nostrils will make her envy of every Camden Town sniffer.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Amy Winehouse Is ‘Living’ In A ‘House’ In The London Clinic

DID you know that Amy Winehouse has “set up house – in the hospital where docs fixed her boobs”?

Amy Winehouse is living in a hospital, says the Star. Having kicked illegal drugs, Amy is now living in a hospital where prescription – legal – drugs are only a press on the bell away, nurses are her maids and fading to black comes after counting down from 10?

The troubled singer has moved into the posh, private London Clinic. Amy Winehouse is living there full-time so she can be monitored by doctors round the clock.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

I’m A Celebrity: Katie Price To Marry ‘Dumped’ Alex Reid In Jungle

I’M A Celebrity:Katie Price to marry, Alex Reid to be dumped in the jungle and Michelle Heaton whispers. The news round-up:

News of The World (front page): “MARRY ME KATIE”

It’s walking Toffee Crisp Alex Reid.He’s heading Down Under to see his one true love:

“EXCLUSIVE: ALEX TO PROPOSE IN JUNGLE”

Eveyone loves a wedding. It will so great. Katie can wear a veils fashioned from spiders webs and Alex can makes ring from a kanagaroo’s anus. But hold on a moment:

Sunday Mirror (front page): “Tarzan Alex is dumped in jungle”

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (16)

X Factor Live: Jedward Do Jive Bunny, Olly Murs Is The Man And Danyl Johnson Is Careless

X Factor Live Blog: It’s Wham! Week. John and Edward, Danyl Johnson, Stacey Solomon, Jedward, Joe McElderry, Lloyd Daniels and contagious Olly Murs?

1. Lloyd Daniels – You’ve Got To Have Faith.

Lloyd needs faith because he doesn’t have a prayer of winning. Should have sung Wake Me Up Before You GoGo. A does of self-depracating humour might have saved him.

Damned by hard to like Louis Walsh: “I love everything except he voice Lloyd, I think you’re a real little pop star though.”

2. Stacey Solomon – I Can’t Make You Love Me

Is she getting blonder?

X Factor: Stacey Solomon Look Alike Gallery. She’s through to next week’s show.

Anorak

Posted: 21st, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)

X Factor At The Union Chapel: Lostprophets, King Blues And The Black Out

BEFORE Simon Cowell brought us his finishing school for music with modules in X Factor, Britain’s Got Talent and Pop Idol – with special points for anyone able to shorten their name into something that can fit into text message (Jedward, Subo etc.) – there was talent.

Here’s the news: there still is talent and new music. It’s just not on the tell any more. It’s at the 2009 Mencap Little Noise Sessions at the Union Chapel in London, in the form of Ian Watkins of Lostprophets, King Blues and The Black Out. We were there. We’ve got pictures:

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Itch of the King Blues performs live as part of the 2009 Mencap Little Noise Sessions at the Union Chapel in London

Anorak

Posted: 21st, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

X Factor: George Michael Sees The Light And The Jonas Brothers Back Jedward

X FACTOR Watch: George Michael spots the leading lights and the Jonas Brothers back Jedward.

The trick with the X Factor publicists is to keep the show in people’s minds in the long week, when I’m A Celebrity occupies all thoughts and front pages.

It’s achieved by non news. Today’s non-news news story is that George Michael might watch the show.

A show insider tells the Mirror:

“George is hoping to come and watch the live shows this weekend.”

Anorak

Posted: 21st, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

I’m A Celebrity: Katie Price Finds Jordan In An Alcopop

I’M A Celebrity: In Make Your Own Katie Price, we tell you how to grow your own Jordan in a bottle of alcopops or wine box.

Jordan adorns the cover of the Sun’s front page and tells readers: “Keep me sober or I’ll get nasty.”

This is, of course, a call for the I’m A Celebrity producers to airdrop caseloads of fermented cockroach penis to the jungle studio. It’s is also receipe for Jordan.

The Sun says that Katie plus booze equals Jordan.

Anorak

Posted: 21st, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

I’m A Celebrity: Naked Katie Price Becomes Kate And Jordan ‘Dies’

I’M A Celebrity: Katie Price is dying. Kate Price is upon us. Jordan makes a naked dash for fame. And the worms get ready to complete the food cycle…

Daily Star (front page): “JORDAN: I’LL DIE IN BUSH”

Is that Bush the famous Shepherd’s Bush, location of the overgrown Blue Peter Garden and the BBC’s Television Centre? To viewers it looks like the Australian Bush, made to look bigger by clever angles and having little Ant ‘n’ Dec present the show.

Jordan will die in this Bush. Having eaten so much insect, she will become insect food.

KATE Price believes she is so hated, the public actually want to see her die in the jungle.

Anorak

Posted: 21st, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Frankie Sandford’s Slasher Dress Bum Note And Other Terrific Mistakes

POOR Frankie Sandford is a singer with The Saturdays, a Girls Aloud –Spice Girls tribute act and a graduate of S Club Juniors, youth wing of former cabaret act S Club 7. She’s done a Clare Danes and shown lots of flesh.

It all went terribly wrong when Sandford arrived at the Variety Club Awards. The Variety Club is a charity helps young, disabled and disadvantaged children. Sandford, currently dating McFly singer Dougie Poynter, arrived on the red carpet wearing a short dress through which a section of her backside was peeking out.

We had thought she’d worn it for the children, to cheer them up. But it turns out that showing your bum in public was all a terrific mistake. Did you see it? Did you? Says Sandford:

“When we went down the red carpet the photographers kept asking us to turn around and look over our shoulders. It wasn’t until afterwards that Mollie and Una pointed out that the reason they kept asking was because my dress had a big slit right on my bum cheek! Now it all makes sense!”

Anorak

Posted: 20th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Susan Boyle: Heaven Endorses Album

SUSAN Boyle Watch: The hairy Angel’s debut album become the biggest CD pre-order in the history of global online retailer Amazon.

Amazon as founded 14-year ago – and Susan Boyle has given it the online retailer it 14th press release about which album has been its most pre-ordered of the year.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

I’m A Celebrity: Peter Andre ‘Buys’ House To ‘Win Back’ Katie Price

I’M A Celebrity Watch: Katie Price has headed back to the I’m A Celebrity jungle as Step 1 in her bid to remarry Peter Andre – or, er, not.

And the Daily Star reports that Peter Andre “buys huge family pad to win back Katie.”

It’s a fact! Now read on:

“Peter Andre could be splashing out £3milliomn on a new home as ex-wife Kate Price relives the first dramatic moments of their jungle romance.”

Anorak

Posted: 20th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Mariah Carey Wants To Be Susan Boyle, In Pictures

MARIAH Carey wanted 20 white kittens to accompany her as she turned on the lights in the Westfield shopping centre, London. If Susan Boyle can do all that with one cat, Mariah needs 20. The world will be hers.

She also wanted 100 white doves, presumably to give the kittens something to kill while they waited the big moment. She was denied on both counts. There can be only one Susan Boyle. What Carey did get was a big Blue Peter wand made from KitKat wrappers and a bent coat hanger and lots of “butterfly-shaped” confetti scraped up from a wedding party at nearby Willesden Magistrates Court. The pictures:

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Mariah Carey launches her new fragrance, Forever - the world's first scent that lasts forever

Anorak

Posted: 20th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

I’m A Celebrity: Katie Price Gets Stoned

I’M A Celebrity Watch: Katie Price says she going to take her Jedwards and walk out of the overgrown Blue Peter jungle – it’s not been the same since Percy Thrower died. Well she might.

Here’s what the front pages are saying about I’m Katie Price…Get Me A Crocodile Penis And Make It Snappy:

Daily Star (front page): “JORDAN: I’LL QUIT JUNGLE OF HATE”

Defo! Katie Price will quit. Nothing can stop her!

Anorak

Posted: 20th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Demi Moore Is Hip for W Magazine: Actress Runs Circles Round Photoshop Critics

ONE day one from Kate Moss saying something about eating skinny, actress Demi Moore has, apparently, had a hip removed to appear on the cover of W magazine.

Of course, Demi says she has never had any cosmetic surgery – proof here – which suggests her left hip has been airbrushed out of existence to best fit the front page.

Demi Moore is 47, rich and has had three children. Her hips are largely redundant. She now has the hips of teenage boy. Also her primary sexual characteristics are alluded to beneath the pelvic fringe of her gold Balmain leotard. Demi Moore has balls to pull this outfit on and off. Possibly.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

X Factor In Pictures: Jamie Archer Sings For Autism

X FACTOR: Art mirroring life now, as no sooner has Louis Walsh, reportedly, told us that Duracell Gonks Jedward are “mildly autistic” than likeable pub singer Jamie Archer sings for autism at the Treehouse – The Pears National Centre for Autism Education, Muswell Hill, London.

Anorak’s man with a camera was there at an event that defies cynicism – almost…

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X-Factor finalist Jamie Archer meets children and staff at the Treehouse - The Pears National Centre for Autism Education, Muswell Hill, London, after being the latest contestant to be voted out.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

X Factor: Jedward Are Autistic, Says Louis Walsh

X FACTOR: Louis Walsh says Jedward are special needs – they have autism:

In the Daily Mail, hard-to-like pap pop impresario Louis Walsh is heard to say:

John and Edward are very well brought up, went to excellent schools and are probably upper middle class. Also they are mildly autistic. They have an uncanny gift for remembering numbers.

The Mail tells of statistics. But aren’t numbers a slang for songs?

Anorak

Posted: 19th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Fat Kate Moss Is New Face Of Starbucks, With Added Cellulite

KATE Moss says “nothing tastes as good as skinny” and the Sun screams from its front page:

“Kate Moss brain is size zero”

MODEL SPARKS OUTRAGE.

The model might have sparked a new slogan for Starbucks lo-cal coffees and shakes. But the outrage is about the thinness. And the people outraged most are those who represent vested interest groups, like Katie Green, face and chest of Say No To Size Zero, a former anorexic and the founder of the National Centre for Eating Disorders.

The allegation is that Kate Moss encourages anorexia. In other Sun news:

HERE is KATE MOSS slumming it with mere mortals at McDonald’s. The supermodel popped in to the fast-food chain in Central London to pick up a spot of lunch to go.

And:

KATE Moss is pencil thin – but her clothing collection appeals to Brittons of every shape and size.

But it’s the Mail that really takes the hypo-critic oath, telling its readers:

The saying is a watchword for millions of anorexics and bulimia sufferers.

The Mail quotes a study:

The study by the Exeter-based Schools Health Education Unit found that a majority of teenage girls – and 40 per cent of ten and 11-year-olds – believed they needed to slim but few were actually overweight.

It’s just so wrong that young girls are so worried about their looks and fat. In previous Daily Mail fat and ugly Kate Moss news:

TUMMY – ‘Like most women who have had a baby, Kate has a bit of loose skin in the lower tummy area,’ says diet and fitness specialist Joanna Hall.

‘There is very little fat beneath it, but also not much muscle definition. Some exercise would help…

And that rounded tum-tum?

She insists she isn’t pregnant, and the cigarette in her right hand would appear to confirm that fact. But the way she was rubbing what appeared to be a bump beneath her baggy top did nothing to dispel rumours that Kate Moss is, indeed, expecting her second child.

No, not pregnant. Just a bit of fat or gas. The last word can be with stick thin former anorexic Liz Jones, in the Mail:

We fashion editors loved her in her 20s for the fact she would brazenly model a bikini on the catwalk or in bright sunshine, despite the fact she was no longer 16, had never been six foot, had a long trunk and short legs and the dimplings of cellulite.

Sticks and stones will break her bones  – unless Kate Moss is fate enough to absorb them…

Anorak

Posted: 19th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

X Factor: The Top Items For Sale In The Jedward Shop

X Factor: Before John and Edward Grimes can sell official Jedward tat, the entrepreneurs are putting the boys hair on unofficial Jedward tat.

Anorak has been scouring the web for future landfill and we bring you the Worst Jedward Merchandise Gifts. Buy now to ensure disappointment:

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JOHN AND EDWARD X FACTOR TWIN DOLLS HANDMADE BEJABERS

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Posted: 19th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

I’m A Celebrity: Sick Camilla Dallerup Exposes Katie Price’s Dark Secret

IN Five Reasons Why Camilla Dallerup walked out of the I’m A Celebrity jungle, the we mentioned The Conspiracy. It was only bad camera angles and lighting that made Camilla look wetter than a Young LibDem’s guppy fish in a monsoon.

And now the Star brings front-page news: “JUNGLE FIXED FOR JORDAN TO WIN’”.

“Sickened dancer reveals TV show’s darks secret.”

Anorak

Posted: 19th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Will Ferrell Tops List Of Hollywood’s Top Ten Overpaid Stars

WHO is the most overpaid Hollywood star. No need to guess. Jennfier Aniston is most overrated. But who gives the producers and the studios best bang for their buck?

Anorak’s Man in LA has news:

FORBES magazine has a newsflash for movie anchorman Ron Burgandy, and the comedian who created that character… he’s at the top of the magazine’s new list of Hollywood’s most overpaid stars.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

I’m A Celebrity: Katie Price Is Rubbed Off In Kim Woodburn Bust Up

I’M A Celebrity: For the first time in weeks, there is not a single X Factor story on the cover of any paper, which can only mean one thing: Katie Price is wearing a bikini in the overgrown Blue Peter garden. The daily round-up of I’m A Celebrity news:

The Sun (front page): “Three on the bounce”

Jordan has now completed Three Bush Tucker trials. And it’s all because of Peter Andre:

Fans of her ex-hubby Peter Andre are said to have hatched an internet plot to force her to do EVERY trial in revenge for her treatment of the singer.

Good of the Sun to undercover this datardley plot on the shadowy web. What do we know?

One poster on Facebook wrote: “Keep voting for Kate to do all the tasks.”

Another added: “Vote her to do all the nasty trials.” Bookies made Jordan favourite to do the next trial.

Can it be that only two people vote for the celebs to be put up for challenges?Or is teh sun workign on away to keep Peter Andre in the jungle dynamic? In other news, there’s been a fight, what tabloids should call a BUST UP:

The Mirror: “Kim v Katie”

It’s televised pro-celebrity cleaning woman Kim Woodburn and Katie Price. Fumble? No. Rumble. Yes! Fight!

She looks as if she could handle herself in a physical confrontation and after her verbal rucking with Katie Price in the episode on telly a couple of hours ago, Kim’s obv up for a rumble in the jungle too…

The Mirror is writing in the manner of a text message to git din wiv da kidz. Back to the fight. Will Kim wipe the floor with Katie? Will Katie starts calling Kim ‘Quim’? The exchange goes like this:

Katie wants to know what the other campmates thing of her. This is good because ITV can now film Katie and the other celebs at the same time, instead of just Katie:

Gino In Da Campo: “I thought you would be a right bitch.”
Quim: “You are what I thought you’d be.”
Jordan: “What, a bitch?”
Quim: “You’re a publicity seeker. You live and die for publicity and you do it well. As Shakespeare once said, ‘We fear you protesteth too much.’”

Shakespeare might have said it but he never did write it down. Kim Woodburn is an authority on Shakespeare, that’s Brett Shakespeare, supplier of scouring pads to the rich and famous.

Jordan: “What do you mean?”
Kim: “You said you escaped to come in here but you’ve got 12 million people watching you every night. I don’t get that. What I’m saying is you do publicity very well and you protest all the time but love it. You live it and dream it.”
Jordan: “No, I used to love it”

Kim continues to rub away at the stain. But Jordan is constructed beneath indelible layers of felt tip and wood stain. Oh, if only breasts were elbows Kim would have the power to wipe Jordan from the face of the planet.

And it end with fisticuffs? Well, no:

Katie: “We’re all talented in our own way, Kim. I’ve got to laugh out loud to myself. I’m agreeing with you, Kim.”

Katie Price not in fight and gets on with campmates – read all about it! It’s MAYHEM!

See pictures of busty stars here.

I’m A Celebrity’s Sam Fox’s Career In Pictures

Me And My Chest: Peter Andre’s Career in Pictures

The Katie Price Burning: A Life In Pictures

Anorak

Posted: 19th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (15)

Twighlight New Moon Video: RPattz Tells All About His Love For KWart

ROBERT Pattinson, RPattz and Kristen Stewart, Kwart, are promoting their new Twilight film new moon. And they have touched hands. In public. If you are one of these people, this touching has deep significance.

So are they dating? Well, no. It’s all a big sub-plot to the main film plot. Soon Kwart will have to rest a hand over her tummy, which is Hollywood short hand for babies. And all the while they can’t shag the groupies. Fame hurts.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

X Factor: Stacey Solomon Look Alike Gallery

X FACTOR: When compiling the Stacey Solomon look alike gallery, it was hard to move beyond the cast of Friends and The Royal Family. Could they be related?

The gallery is hereunder. Send in your suggestions, please:

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Barry Manilow

Anorak

Posted: 18th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

X Factor: Jedward Look Alike Gallery Update

X FACTOR: JOHN & Edward Grimes’ Jedward look alike gallery is updated for your pleasure. Simon Cowell’s pet Duracell Gonks look like all of them. And two of these…

Jedward: X Factor John And Edward Look Alike Gallery

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Posted: 18th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

I’m A Celebrity: Camilla Dallerup Is Pregnant, And Other Reasons Why She Left The Show

I’M A Celebrity: Camilla Dallerup walks out of the jungle and the narrative begins. Here are five rasons why she left the jungle:

1) It’s a conspiracy:

Dallerup’s actor lover Actor Kevin Sacre (Hollyoaks, before you ask) says she was “pulled”.

He Twitters:

“Can’t say a lot people, but I can say she was pulled. She didn’t walk… and remember they’ve actually been in there since Friday night, our time.”

2) She’s pregnant:

Anorak

Posted: 18th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)