Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
IN 1973, Dolly Parton released the song Jolene. It would become a smash hit.
Mark Wigmore gives some background to the great song:
There are several myths and legends about Dolly Parton’s song “Jolene.” It’s been said that the song is about a bank teller who had been flirting with her husband. There’s another story about a ten-year-old girl named Jolene who asked Parton for her autograph after a concert. But the real story is that of Parton striking out on her own after parting ways with her long-time mentor, Porter Wagoner...
Jolene was her first single after Dolly made the decision to embark on her solo career. It was released in October of 1973 and reached the number one position on the country charts in the U.S. and Canada in February of ’74. It was also her first song to cross over to the pop charts. “I Will Always Love You” followed suit a few months later. By the middle of 1975, Dolly had five number one hits in a row and a bona fide superstar was born.
But did you know that when played at 33 RPM, it sounds like this:
Spotter: Fraser Nelson
THROW a brick into the air and, chances are, you’ll hit someone who likes guitar music who just can’t accept that electronic music is ‘real’.
Even though electronic pop music has been a thing since the ’60s, rock luddites still can’t get their heads around it. It’s just pressing buttons isn’t it? Just like owning a typewriter makes you an amazing novelist.
Josie’s ability to say something shocking has scored her a Sun front page, a slot on ITV’s Daybreak and the chance to be commented on by columnists, like the Sun’s Jane Moore. The Sun’s cheque book sets them up, and the columnists hammers them in. Jane says the woman she’s not met is “greedy, callous and dangerously deluded”.
She had a happy childhood in a semi in Leeds, brought up by her hard-working and loving parents — Lisa, a retail manager, and Graham, a machine operator. She gained an impressive eight GCSEs, then studied accountancy at college with a view to serving in the Royal Navy.
ON Top Gear’s colonialism-in-a car-style trip to Myanmar, Jeremy Clarkson looked at the bridge her and his two sidekicks had built over the River Kwai (did you see what they did there?) and observed the “slope” on it.
The show’s executive producer Andy Wilman says it was a “joke referencing both the build quality of the bridge and the local Asian man who was crossing it”.
He is velly solly for an offence caused. It was all done accidentally on purpose, maybe.
THE BBC say it’s 60 million while The Guardian wrote that it was 120 million, The Scotsman, no doubt proud of the band’s Scottish roots, guessed 300 million.Whatever the amount was the Bay City Rollers certainly sold a lot of records although they still grumble to this day about how little they saw of the profits. Forty years ago the band was just about to become massive. The lead singer, Les McKeown, who was just eighteen when he joined the band late in 1973, had his name inked onto a million school bags and notebooks. He was the Harry Styles of the day, maybe even more popular – there was less music to go round in those days.
AS everyone knows, Record Store Day is to hipsters what Valentine’s Day is to the romantics. It’s enforced fun where naysayers chirp “you shouldn’t need a designated day to show someone you love them/buy records” and generally, everyone is quite annoying about it on both sides of the fence.
Of course, the people who really like RSD are those who love to queue for hours and touts.
Regarding the latter, Paul Weller, complete with his old lady’s haircut, has called for a boycott on the event, after copies of his limited 45 ‘Brand New Toy’ were being sold on eBay for hiked-up prices.
FOLLOWING the incredible box-office and critical success of John Carpenter’s Halloween (1978), the slasher film quickly became the go-to-format for up-and-coming horror filmmakers in the 1980s. These films had titles like Happy Birthday to Me (1981) and My Bloody Valentine (1981), and most of them concerned bloody massacres on holidays.
Although critics denigrated these slasher films as “dead teenager movies” or “knife-kill” films and slammed their apparent sense of misogyny, and formulaic story lines, the slasher craze of the epoch actually produced a number of great and memorable horror films.
PEACHES Geldof has died. Her funeral has been held. So. What now for the paparazzi’s long lens?
Why, how about a picture of her widow and his sister-in-law out for a walk? No fewer than two journalists - MATT WILKINSON and ANDY HALLS – are there to look at the photo and tell readers:
GRIEVING Thomas Cohen walks with his arm round sister-in-law Tiger Lily yesterday — 24 hours after his wife Peaches was cremated. Musician Tom, 23, was comforted by Peaches’ half-sister as they paused at a duck pond
WHEN eight-track tapes hit the shelves in the latter part of the Sixties, it was seen as a godsend. All of a sudden, you could listen to your music collection in your car, or out-and-about with the new boom-boxes. There were even rumors it would completely replace the vinyl record. Yet, just over a decade later, the humble cassette tape was able to drive it to extinction. Its heyday lasted from 1968-1975, and by 1980 the poor eight-track was in history’s dustbin, a sort-of laughable derelict from the Seventies.
So what happened? Here are 8 reasons for its untimely demise.
EVER looked at Steve Jobs and thought: “There’s a guy I’d like to watch a film about!” Imagine the thrills and spills as Jobs goes to the bank to get a loan! Gasp as Jobs does some soldering on a motherboard! Swoon as he buys 30,000 black turtle neck sweaters!
Good news! Danny Boyle and Leonardo DiCaprio could well be working together on a biopic of the Apple Honcho.
The film will be based on the biography by Walter Isaacson about Jobs, which was released in 2011. It follows on from the film ‘Jobs’, which starred Ashton Kutcher, which no-one watched.
SYPHILITIC grot-rockers, The Libertines, could well be making a comeback, which is great news for all those awful humans who live in a permanent state of mildew and have brown teeth and own nothing but four tattoos and a book of tedious soul-searching poetry.
How do we know about this comeback?
Well, Arch Bozo Carl Barât has pretty much said so. Rumours kicked off after suet-faced lightbulb-headed Pete Doherty gave an interview, where he said that he had been approached with an offer to reunite the band for a live show.
ANDRE Johnson, aka Christ Bearer, is the Wu-Tang Clan-affiliated rapper who severed his penis before jumping from a second-floor balcony in North Hollywood.
TMZ, which in sedate tones calls the incident a “penis massacre”, reports that the organ will not be reattached.
Tim Blair spots this news report in ‘Andre Johnless’:
PEACHES Geldof was buried today. The Guardian has a feature called:
Peaches Geldof’s funeral – in picture : Stars from the world of show business attend the service at St Mary Magdalene and St Lawrence church in Kent
That’s a bit tabloid, isn’t it? We love the tabloids here at Anorak. But the Guardian doesn’t.
Frankly, there’s every chance she will find a way to turn even this latest incident into gold, and a forthcoming issue of Hello! will carry an interview of her that tap dances round “the misunderstanding everyone is talking about”, while allowing her to pose up again with her children in exchange for a few quid. If so, we must doff our hats to the Britannia of idiocy, and observe that she should really be on coins – the unapologetic face of some apocalypse-baiting modern currency. Call it Twitcoins, and pile in today.
WHEN we last saw Josie Cunningham, she had been awarded a pair of 36DD breasts (RRP £4,800) by the NHS. As the Sun put it, Josie had used the New Hooters Service. It would have been no big deal were it not for the facts that Josie is fame hungry and planned to use her new breasts to achieve fame and fortune. Like A modern day St Agatha, Josie would serve up her breasts for us to enjoy and study.
Now the mum-of-two from Leeds is back in the news. She’s four months pregnant. And the Mail reports of the “24-year-old”:
Shameless ‘model’ who vowed to have an abortion so she could appear on Big Brother reveals the bump of the child who will never be born due to her quest for fame
It’s being presented as the first Reality TV death.
Says Josie, now just 23, in the Sunday Mirror:
“An abortion will further my career. This time next year I won’t have a baby. Instead I’ll be famous, driving a bright pink Range Rover and buying a big house. Nothing will get in my way. I want to be famous for being me – Josie Cunningham, a glamour model in my own right. If I want to do that I need to put my career first.”
Tsk! Josie hasn’t a clue how fame work. No, wait a moment, she knows exactly how fame works. Having flogged her story to the Mirror, the paper makes the most of its investment with a barage of news stories on JOSIE CUNNINGHAM:
* Josie Cunningham abortion: 93% of Mirror Online readers would boycott Big Brother if she took part
* Stupid sl*g who doesn’t deserve children’: Nicola McLean blasts ‘vile’ Josie Cunningham abortion for fame plan
* New video shows Josie Cunningham blaming “Twitter trolls” for her decision to have an abortion
* Glamour model is famous already for being a poster girl for all that’s dirty, immoral and sick in our society
* Josie Cunningham says she’ll have more NHS surgery and THANKS “online trolls” who attacked her abortion plans
* Thousands sign petition calling on Channel 5 not to allow Josie Cunningham on Big Brother
That’s seven scoops on one day on misguided Josie Cunningham. This “aspiring model” is a one woman content mine.
To put the tin lid on the horror, we’retold “Josie, 23, is already 18 weeks pregnant by either an escort agency client or a Premier League footballer.”
Or? Why can’t the daddy be a both a trick and a top footballer?
Maybe she’s saving that for yet another scoop?
ONE THING the internet cannot yet do that newspapers can is field hand-written letters sent through the post. Andrew Potter, editor of The Ottawa Citizen, tweeted this letter hew received from a reader who says:
“JUSTIN BIEBER IS ON THE CROSS HE IS THE MESSIAH RESURRECT HIM
Odd, indeed. When Anorak has worked for the Press, the best letters have been the ones that reuse letters from the paper – cut out and pasted onto card.
THE headline of this piece could’ve been ‘Stupid Man Invents Thing To Get In The Papers’, but alas, we’ll deal with the hand we’ve been given.
Mike Amess has claimed that he’s allergic to Kim Kardashian. Of course, Kim Kardashian is the prime target in the world for people who want to knock someone without having to actually think of someone worthy of being a target.
Yes. Kim Kardashian is actually alright and hugely misunderstood, but that’s another article.
IN 1978, the Associated Press met Kellie Everts, the Miss Nude Universe who became as a striptease artist performing on a Washington stage because “God told her to quiet her job as a social worker and return to the stage to perform her strip act”.
The woman born Rasa von Werder was stripping for Jesus.
And isn’t stripping another kind of social work?
RIP Gabriel García Márquez, 1927-2014:
MUSICIAN Paul Weller has won himself £10,000 in damages after pictures of his children were “plastered” on the Mail Online. The High Court said that Associated Newspapers had to pay up after Weller and his family complained about a number of paparazzi shots were published with the headline “A family day out: Paul Weller takes wife Hannah and his twin sons out for a spot of shopping in the hot LA sun”.
It was the “Modfather’s day out”.
The couple said the shots were “plainly voyeuristic”.
THE animosity circus that was Britpop, with everyone trying to outdo each other by saying “we’re the best band in the world” and slating other bands was fun for 10 minutes. When bands like Scotland’s The Gyres started calling themselves the best band in the world, everything got a bit claggy.
However, one rivalry really caught everyone’s attention – Oasis versus Blur.
On one hand, you had the distanced Damon Albarn and his gaggle of middle-class artists, sidestepping the High Street to look at the way people lived. It was songs about lottery winners, girls who worked the check-outs, shipping forecasts and having sex with the telly on. On the other, you had Oasis – a gang of lads from some crap street, hungry for success and writing songs about having the best night out ever and immortality.
Everything about the rivalry worked, even though both bands were indebted to the same period of ’60s music (Oasis were aping The Beatles’ ‘Rain’ and noisy Freakbeat records, while Blur took a Ray Davies and ‘Penny Lane’ approach). Is was lads off the estate versus those that listened in school.
Many snide remarks were thrown back and forth and it was equally useful for both bands as the press and marketing teams gobbled it all up. It all came to the fore with Country House versus Roll With It. Both bands, in their own way won and, the ultimate loser was the record buying public as, once the fuss had died down, they realised they’d got suck into buying some subpar records.
However, they’ve all grown up now. Damon Albarn is a music magpie with a variety of collaborations and projects under his belt, while Noel Gallagher left Oasis, leaving Liam to tour with Beady Eye, the world’s best Oasis tribute act. Gone are the jibes wishing AIDS on each other. Damon and Noel, the statesmen of their respective camps, have grown to like each other away from all the din.
Albarn has, for a while now, talked of the times he bumped into Noel and, after a tentative start, they’ve grown to like each other. Now, in 2014, it looks like an album with them both is on the cards.
Damon revealed that making an album with Noel Gallagher is a “distinct possibility” and that the pair have discussed the idea “at least once”.
“I still see Noel from time to time. We text a bit,” Albarn says. When asked if the pair would be making a record together, he said: “I can imagine that being a very distinct possibility at some point in the future. But, as yet we haven’t really talked about it, although…”
“OK we have a little bit. We’re talking. It’s not anything to get excited about yet. I mean, he’s doing his thing. He’s finishing a new record. I’ve got my record coming out, but the principle of us making music together is something…you know, it would be fair to say, we have discussed it at least once.”
And if you missed it, Damon and Noel played on-stage together last year at the Royal Albert Hall for a Teenage Cancer Trust gig.
Could be a good LP, if they work it out.
THROUGHOUT cinematic history, our most beloved monsters — from Dracula and The Wolf Man to Freddy Krueger and King Kong — have returned again and again to haunt our nightmares, and our movie screens.
In any horror movie or monster movie sequel, the primary challenge is thus always quite specific: how do we get our beloved monster back after so thoroughly and completely defeating him at the end of the previous movie? How do we snatch defeat from what seemed like victory?
Some movie franchises have proven cleverer than others at threading this particular needle, finding fresh and inventive ways to get our beloved monsters stalking again.