The Royal Family, the House of Windsor, in the news and on a horse
WHEN her Majesty The Queen puts down her copy of Majesty – ‘The Quality Royal Magazine’ – (an ITV documentary reveals that Liz subscribes to the organ that records her own life. Whenever Phil asks her how her day went she can just toss the mag over to him and say,’There. Take a look’) she can look at her face on coins and bank notes. (Her Majesty is thought to favour the 10pence piece because it has no crow’s feet.) It’s all pretty samey – unless she see what this artist has down to her likeness on the Australian five dollar note.
USWeekly says Duchess Kate’s baby will be called Elizabeth Diana Carole. They’ll name the child after Prince William’s granny. Middle names will be nods to the couple’s mothers.
The brains at the US glossy maust have spent moments working that out. The only good thing is that initials, EDC, will give Lizzy-DC a name for her signature Eau De Cologne. But other than that it’s low on thrills. Still, we know it’s a girl. And, according to OK!’s cover, “Having a girl would make Diana happy.”
CRESSIDA Bonas, Prince Harry’s latest flame, appears in an OK! magazine feature. The mag wants us to look beyond the “long glossy hair, flawless kin and sparkling smile” to see the woman of substance beneath the perfection. In a section headed “Beauty And Brains”, OK! notes:
“And Cressida has worked hard too, studying dance at the University of Leeds. She’s also modelled for Burberry and has experience as a ski instructor.”
IS Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, having a dinosaur? When Sandra Cook, 67, gave Kate a teddy bear in Grimsby, the Duchess said: “Thank you, I’ll give that to my d…”
Daughter. Sandra Cook thought so. Kate never finished the word. Sandra pressed her.
“No, we don’t know,” said Kate. “We’re not telling.”
THE Duchess of Cambridge sits next to a dummy of the Ship’s Mate at the Skipper’s Table on display during her tour of the National Fishing Heritage Centre, Grimsby.
HOW does the media respond to news that Queen Elizabeth 2 is unwell? Her Majesty has been at the King Edward VII Hospital, London, where Kate Middleton went for morning sickness treatment. The Daily Mail leads with “DON’T MAKE A FUSS” – new of the Queen’s “stoicism” – the Times leads with two coppers stood by a door (one of them is 7ft 2in PC Anthony Wallyn) and the Sun finds a pun withy “Her Majesty The Queasy”.
WHEN Prince Harry went to Lesotho, he met with Prince Seeiso at the Kananelo Centre for the Deaf, in the Maseru district of Lesotho. Harry danced, and in any language we knew what he meant. Extempore dancing is to most of us a hellish ordeal. At dos, Anorak heads to the middle of the dance floor in the hope that everyone dancing around him will act like those whirling anchovy shoals in wildlife documentaries, swirling about and making the centre invisible. It never works. The music changes; people slump off; an overexcited woman commands just one more dance. The band strikes up Wake Me Up Before You GoGo, by Wham! Game Harry then went to St. Bernadette School for the Visually Impaired. It was all for charity. At one point someone drew a picture of Prince William on the black baord, and everyone laughed:
DID you know that Prince Harry’s new girlfriend, Cressida Bonas, had a nickname in school? The Mirror says she was known as “Bon-arse” by her friends. The Mirror informs its learned readers that it’s combination of the “French word for good and her surname”. The rets of you who didn’t go to a “Posh” school like Stowe, could not hope to think of nickname for a gel called BONAS. CRESSIDA BONAS…
TOM Parker-Bowles – “my stepfather is Prince Charles, a lovely and glorious man” – who is profiled thus by Craig McLean in the Times:
Rather than accept his posh-bashing lot — tarred and feathered as another workshy double-barrelled waster — Parker Bowles secured a job as food writer on Tatler…
You can’t beat hard graft to stop them calling you a ponce…
PRINCE Harry’s is dating Cressida BONAS. * (Her name must forever be capitalised.) La Bonas’s mother is Lady Mary Curzon, a siren of the Swinging Sixties with five children by three of her four husbands. She might be the Carol Jackson of high society.
AWARD-winning author Hilary Mantel says the Royal Family pick a brood mare the same way a Scientology star picks a wife. They like an easy-wipe surface. Whilst Mantel was comparing Kate Middleton to a dead-eyed mannequin, the pregnant Duchess of Cambridge, for it is she, was getting back to work after her Caribbean getaway. At Hope House, she waved, looked interested, waved, shook hands, waved, waved some more and then left to a magical faraway land where the paparazzi don’t exist and everything tastes of furniture polish.
DOES the Daily Mail’s Quentin Letts read his own paper? Appearing on a This Morning chat about Kate Middlton’s pregnanct tum-tum, and Chi magazine’s photos of it wearing a bikini in the Caribbean, Letts opened that the magazione might be called “Cheap:. The Mail had already called it “tawdry“. Would this be the same Mail that pervs at underage girls and publishes paparazzi photographs of pregnant women in bikinis?
I think it might be…
PS – This Morning then duly flashed up the photos of Kate in her bikini. Letts did not storm off.
PSSST! Want to see photos of Kate Middleton on holiday in Mustique? Well, then you’ll have to buy a copy of Italy’s Chimagazine, which has published the shots of the pregnant Duchess of Cambridge. The British need to make do with the Daily Mail’s news that said photos have been met with “Royal fury”.
Louise Eccles and Rebecca English poor scorn on that “tawdry” foreign rag. How very dare it cause our British Princess anguish the sticky fingers of a long lens. Meanwhile, on other Mail pages you can read:
Jenny Frost shows off her growing curves in bikini as she talks fans through her pregnancy – 10/10/2012
Revealing Victoria’s Secrets! Doutzen Kroes shows off her fabulous post-pregnancy figure in daring black bikini – 16/02/2012
Making waves! Megan Fox shows off pre-pregnancy body in tiny black bikini – 30/11/2012
Glowing Myleene Klass shows her pregnancy curves in all their glory in a white bikini – 07/11/2010
Pregnant Tori Spelling shows off her growing baby bump in a bikini… and a new tattoo tribute to husband Dean – 04/05/2011
Bumpin’ in Barbados! Coleen Rooney shows off her pregnancy curves as she soaks up the sunshine with son Kai – 06/02/2013
Baby on board! Jessica Simpson’s best friend CaCee Cobb shows off her bump in string bikini – 02/02/2013
PRINCE Harry is the gift that keeps on giving. In this photo,Prince Harry or just plain Captain Wales as he is known in the British Army, is pictured with fellow air crew in the DFAC (Dining Facility), at Camp Bastion southern Afghanistan, where he has been serving as an Apache Helicopter Pilot/Gunner with 662 Sqd Army Air Corps.
Harry is ready for his photoshop. The chap behind is wearing the look of a man who has already created the “Harry Sucking On Things” meme site…
WHO asked Prince Harry if he had killed anyone? We don’t know. But he has done. Harry says he took enemy fighters “out of the game”.
Harry’s returned from work as a co-pilot helicopter gunner in Afghanistan. Has tells media:
“Yeah, so lots of people have…The squadron’s been out here. Everyone’s fired a certain amount. Take a life to save a life. That’s what we revolve around, I suppose. If there’s people trying to do bad stuff to our guys, then we’ll take them out of the game, I suppose.”
FACE of the day: Princess Beatrice peers through a giant credit card as she visits e-commerce company ‘Zalando in Berlin with her sister Princess Eugenie, during their first joint overseas engagement. The royal sisters will travel to Germany for a two-day tour promoting the UK as part of the Great Campaign – a global initiative to attract visitors, business and students to the UK.
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THE Duchess of Cambridge says her first official portrait is “amazing”. The Mona KAte is the work of Paul Emsley. He was told by Kate:
“It’s just amazing, I thought it was brilliant.”
Has Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, taken the showbiz shilling and given an interview with OK!, bastion of journalist excellence? No. This is OK!, the mag that had Jack Tweed enact a photoshoot with Jade Goody’s ghost and which told us in its last issue:
In our 2011 Christmas edition of OK! magazine, we published an article, advertised on the front cover, accompanied by what many readers thought was a picture of Katie [Price], Peter Andre and her children which stated that she had given us an interview telling us that she would be reuniting with her ex-husband at Christmas.
In fact, Katie never gave us an interview or stated that she would be reuniting with Peter at Christmas and the picture was in fact a picture of Peter and the children (which he had posed for), which we ran together with a picture of Katie.
Vogue: “Katepedia: A Study In Royal Style”
To celebrate the style evolution of a modern royal icon, this month Vogue, with writer Lisa Armstrong, set itself the task of analysing her every outfit, shoe and accessory to divine the vital statistics of Kate’s style…
“Both she and William share a genius from coming across as down-to-earth – with just enough glamour for them not to look like the Dutch royals,” writes Armstrong. “It’s the same knack that enables Kate to wear a high-fashion dress from Jonathan Saunders or McQueen, with her beloved courts and make millions of other women feel they could wear it too.”
But they don’t wear it, too. Read more on the over-hyped Kate Effect here.
For all this – and her role in the stratospheric increase in sales of sheer tights – see our February issue, on sale nationwide from Wednesday January 9.
Kate’s like one of World War 2 GIs with her fancy stockings.
One writer peeks:
It said that as long as she sufficiently recovered from the severe morning sickness that resulted in her hospitalisation last month, she could be expected to wear raised waists that “accommodate, rather than flaunt” her growing bump and that her look would need to be tweaked rather than overhauled.
KATE Middleton Pregnancy Watch – Day 29 of the Duchess of Cambridge’s womb news: Diana, Bond and lavender biscuits on ice:
THIS year, Her Majesty The Queen’s Christmas Speech will be a “lecture”.
As the ‘RTÉ TV Guide states:
KATE Middleton Pregnancy Watch: The Duchess of Cambridge is a bag lady:
National Ledger: “Kate Middleton is pregnant and many are celebrating including those in the fashion world.”
To celebrate the Duchess of Cambridge’s pregnancy, Gucci has made an exclusive bag for Duchess Catherine.
The Italian fashion house has created the Catherine Bag for the 30-year-old royal, following the announcement she is expecting her first child with husband Prince William .
Guccio Gucci, grandson of Gucci founder Guccio Gucci, says the bag is completely handmade and hand-sewn, and “was inspired by Kate’s delicate features and immense charm”.
They made a leather bag because it looked like Kate’s face. So leathery is Kate what when she opens her mouth you don’t know whether to listen or toss your keys in…