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It’s The Way He Sells ‘Em

‘HE’S ”THE MAN FROM UNCOOL” says the Sun, apropos of…nothing very much.”Hello, laydeez”A poll commissioned by the electrical retailer Dixons has revealed the things that women find most unattractive in … (read more)

Posted: 20th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Viva Espana

‘IF anyone were in any doubt as to which country has the best league in Europe (and by extension the world), this week’s Champions League results must surely have dispelled … (read more)

Posted: 20th, September 2002 | In: Back pages | Comment

Geena Gees Up The Boys

‘THE handbags at dawn feud between Joe and Dev finally spilled over into violence this week, with Dev suffering terrible injuries – his hair got messed up. Joe is out … (read more)

Posted: 20th, September 2002 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Why, Oh Why, Oh Wise

‘THERE is a certain sense of inevitability about Dennis Wise joining Millwall. The New Den is surely the spiritual home of the pint-sized powderkeg, and the way things are going, … (read more)

Posted: 20th, September 2002 | In: Back pages | Comment

Pitter-Potter, Pitter-Potter

‘BEST-SELLING children’s author JK Rowling is expecting the POTTER of tiny feet, and was last night said to be ”delighted”. JK Rowling – ”delighted”The deepest lake in the British Isles … (read more)

Posted: 20th, September 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Better Safe Than Sorry

‘BURIED deep on page 10 of the Telegraph is news of Tory shadow home secretary Oliver Letwin’s new plans for paedophiles, which consists of tracking them by satellite. Noncebuster IHe … (read more)

Posted: 19th, September 2002 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Cold Comfort

‘WHEN Trevor Perry sued Dr Helen Young for (inadvertently) passing on a cold while treating him, he must have been over the moon at pocketing £227 in damages. ”Anyway, you’re … (read more)

Posted: 19th, September 2002 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Loud And Proud

‘TECHNOLOGICAL innovations often come from unlikely sources. Never forget, without space travel, scientists would never have invented the non-stick frying pan.With an engine like a Renault Twingo (The preceding fascinating … (read more)

Posted: 19th, September 2002 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

A ‘Grade A’ Cock-Up

”’TOUGH on crime, tough on the causes of crime.” ”Education, education, education.” ”If you have another baby, I’ll change the law so I can stay at home too.” ”Eeny, meeny, … (read more)

Posted: 19th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Ps And Queues

‘AT least when this Government comes a cropper, it has the guts to say so. ”Pass the tea, please. There’s a good chap.”And it doesn’t hide things either, bravely choosing … (read more)

Posted: 19th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Tragedy!

‘BUT it’s not an English country garden for everyone. Oh, no! There are perils everywhere. Take the Express’ story about ”superstar” Claire Richards. ”It’s all right – there’s a spare … (read more)

Posted: 19th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Forlan Hero

‘WHEN Gary Birtles scored his first goal for Manchester United after 41 games, some wag was moved to observe: ”The trouble is now they’ll expect him to score every 41 … (read more)

Posted: 19th, September 2002 | In: Back pages | Comment

Mr Spoons

‘PREVENTING Scotland scoring against England at football doesn’t rank as the greatest demonstration of supernatural powers. But it is one of many achievements that Uri Geller is happy to take … (read more)

Posted: 19th, September 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Do Or Di Canio

‘ALAN Hansen says that, by the time he had won his seventh title in 10 years as a Liverpool player, he and the rest the team had almost grown tired … (read more)

Posted: 19th, September 2002 | In: Back pages | Comment

The Sting

‘HOW do you say ”I love you”? If you’re a hip and with it young thing, you say it in a text message: ”I LV U.” ”Ooooh! My ring!”If you’ve … (read more)

Posted: 19th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Diamonds Are Forever

‘BUT the Enquirer has news to gladden Melanie’s heart as it unveils a seven stone diamond and gold eternity ring. It says it allThis ring really is for keeps, and … (read more)

Posted: 19th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Maid For Pleasure

‘BUT what if your love knows no price? Well, then you look for other ways to show your love for your other half. Cooks, cleans, irons. Maid’s uniform optional. $5/hrYou … (read more)

Posted: 19th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Tara Gets It Off Her Chest

‘RANK the following three objects in order of usefulness: 1) A chocolate tea-pot; 2) An ashtray on a motorbike; 3) Tara Palmer-Tomkinson’s bikini top. ”See – nothing!”A pat on the … (read more)

Posted: 19th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Would You Adam ‘N’ Eve It?

‘WHO’S that giving Hello! a revealing interview ”about marriage, compromises and the dramas of shooting their film”? ”Lawks, me Brad Pitts are spillin’ out”Why, if it isn’t Guy Ritchie and … (read more)

Posted: 19th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Trude Awakening

‘TO paraphrase Leo Tolstoy: All cute babies are alike; all ugly babies are ugly in their own way. DadAnd they don’t come much uglier than the little bundle of joy … (read more)

Posted: 19th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

People Like Him

‘WITH the open verdict, and then the BBC’s decision to drop his biography, this has been a week for Michael Barrymore to forget. Scene of Barrymore’s last great performanceNot that … (read more)

Posted: 18th, September 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

All Dressed Up And Nowhere To Go

‘IT can be difficult finding a home for stray animals, so staff at an animal shelter in Los Angeles are being asked to dress up their charges in an attempt … (read more)

Posted: 18th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Treading Water

‘CAN Michael Barrymore swim? On that question would seem to hang what little remains of the TV joker’s reputation and future after claims that he lied during last week’s inquest … (read more)

Posted: 18th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Thin Blue Linesman

‘HAVING safely disposed of Michael Barrymore, we move onto the case of Sgt Nigel Miller. The 42-year-old told bosses last month that he was too ill to deal with the … (read more)

Posted: 18th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Which Way’s North?

‘THERE is unlikely to be much fall-out from Sgt Miller’s unorthodox recuperation regime, if only because Home Office officials probably won’t be able to find Durham on a map. Somewhere … (read more)

Posted: 18th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

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