Reviews Category
We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.
Amazing Feet
‘FEW attain true perfection.
Those who think Brad Pitt is the specimen of ultimate manhood should consider his toes. The Enquirer says that his feet are ‘ugly’ – and they are right.
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| Nicole always demanded a foot double for nude scenes |
But nasty feet are big in Hollywood. Nicole Kidman is shown walking along the red carpet wearing open-toed sandals. And the Enquirer has seen the toes – all thirteen of them!
No, Nicole does only have the customary ten, but they are pretty awful, exposing a bright red bunion on one side.
Gwyneth Paltrow is seen walking up some stairs, a selfish move that causes an affront to the eyes as the heel on her right foot is exposed.
Is that a claw? No, just a bruise, but who knows what these things turn into without prompt treatment.
But the prize for ugly bits goes not to Brad, Nicole or Gwyneth but to Cameron Diaz who has hands that reveal her past as a char at the Sunny Glades Old People’s Home, Florida.
A smear of paint covers a small patch of her nails, and the crooked fingers are more lined than a zebra’s bum.
Thankfully, we in Britain do not have to put up with such horrors – a truth anyone who has ever sucked Vanessa Feltz’s toes can confirm…
‘
Harping On
‘GIVEN that Prince Charles has a Royal Toothpaste Squeezer, a Royal Nose Wiper and a Royal Bottom Scratcher, it comes as no surprise to learn that he also has a Royal Harpist on his payroll.
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| ‘I knew I forgot something – the harp!’ |
After all, who of us can get by in this day and age without someone to pluck a few strings and help us unwind at the end of a long day?
Certainly not us at Anorak, who have recently appointed our very own office harpist.
And certainly not the heir to the throne, who has reinstated a tradition that died with Queen Victoria and appointed a Royal Harpist To The Prince Of Wales.
‘To be eligible for the position, you had to be Welsh and under the age of 25,’ explains 23-year-old the incumbent Catrin Finch (who is currently studying at the Royal Academy Of Music).
‘It really was a case of right time, right age, right nationality.’
The same could be said of the Anorak harpist, who tradition dictates must be a 22-year-old Scandinavian blonde (ability on the harp not essential).
But while Ulrika (who just happened to be advertising her services in a phone box next to the Anorak offices) is more likely to feature in your top-shelf magazines, Catrin is very much an Hello! girl.
And she tells that magazine how nervous she was when she first played for the Prince at a dinner for the Welsh Assembly.
‘He said how proud he was of me and how excited he was about reinstating a royal harpist,’ she says.
‘That made me instantly more relaxed about it all. Now I play for him about six times a year and am paid £2,500 for the role.’
Ulrika, on the other hand, prefers to charge by the hour…
‘
Hugo Is Boss
‘NOT for Hello! any of this Republican claptrap about members of the Royal family having to brush their own teeth.
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| ‘One sees oneself more as a silly point’ |
That’s Bolshevik talk that is – and Hello! is having none of it, even going so far as to commission Royal historian Hugo Vickers to respond to the Fabian Society’s recent 50,000-word treatise, The Future Of The Monarchy.
If the name Hugo didn’t provide a clue to Mr Vickers’ feelings towards the monarchy, his picture (in blue blazer and tie) confirms him as a man who thinks it’s a pity that the National Anthem is no longer played when BBC closes down for the night.
As does his turn of phrase, for instance in his description of the Queen as ‘a vital long-stop, as opposed to wicket-keeper, of the constitution’.
Incidentally, one suspects that Hugo spent many hours of his youth fielding at long-stop – a cricketing position invented purely to be able to ‘lose’ the worst player in any school side.
‘The main advantage of a hereditary head of state,’ Hugo opines, ‘is that the sovereign is above politics, trained from birth for the job, and gains in stature the longer they reign.’
And they also come with their own harpist…
‘
Sophie So Good
‘WERE Prince Charles to be accidentally garrotted by a loose harp string, his two sons killed in a tragic (VW) polo accident and brother Andrew die of a heart-attack while mounting his filly du jour, Prince Edward would become King.
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| ‘They come with hair, do they?’ |
And that means the Countess Of Wessex would become Queen – so we are delighted to follow Hello! around a Surrey hospital to see how the pregnant Sophie is getting along.
And even more delighted to discover that she has reached those marvellous middle months of pregnancy.
‘Happy is hardly the way to describe it. And overjoyed barely comes close to the way the Queen’s daughter-in-law feels,’ Hello! enthuses.
‘Her eyes shine, her complexion is peachy and her smile is as wide as her growing waistline.’
And her husband is still as bald as a coot…
‘
Last Tango In Manchester
‘IF you, as the TV advert claims, know when you’ve been Tangoed, why is Davinia Taylor in such blissful ignorance?
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| Rich in Vitamin C |
Miss Taylor, now known as Mrs Dave Gardner, is seen in this week’s OK! magazine getting ready for her big wedding.
The former Hollyoaks actress (was ever there a better claim on celebrity?) can be seen stepping out in white knee-high boots, denim knee-length coat and a short denim skirt.
The fleshy bits not covered in this travesty of clothing are coloured a deep and lustrous orange.
It’s no wonder that she ‘turned heads on every street’ as she and Dave toured the shopping hot-spots of Manchester, stepping into swanky Waterstones and ultra-chic Moss Bros.
But Manchester has more to offer than just the last word in books and hired suits – it boasts a House Of Fraser, from where Davinia bought a bikini.
It was then off to the newsagent for some more Tango…
‘
Up Hill Gardner
‘WITH the bride in orange, and the groom in a sober William Hunt suit, OK! invites us to gaze upon the wedding of Davinia Taylor and Dave Gardner.
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| Davinia, Dave and Becks |
As the bells of the church peeled out Oranges And Lemons, Dave and Davinia stepped up to the altar and exchanged vows.
Davinia: ‘I, Davinia, do solemnly swear to marry Dave and stay faithful so long as he remains friends with David Beckham.’
Dave: ‘I, Dave, plight you my troth and say unto you that no man shall split asunder what Becks and I have. With my body I thee endure.’
Vicar: ‘You have been Tangoed.’
Thus married, Dave and Davinia were off to party in two marquees at The Manor House, the name of her family home.
The crowd trucked into hot canapes, including miniature bags of fish and chips in paper cones and mini steak pies.
And, of course, lashings of a carbonated orange drink whose name temporarily escapes us…
‘
Pet Rescue
‘DO people grow to look like their pets, or do pets grow to look like their owners?
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| ‘That bitch is soo last season’ |
Helping us to solve the riddle is OK!, which scents a (poop) scoop at a charity do for celebrities and their dogs.
We do not know how long Tamara Beckwith has been with her poodle Balthasar, for instance, but the elongated snout, the rolling-over at the command word ‘paparazzi’ and the sheer joie de vivre are shared by owner and pet alike.
Emma Forbes was also there, snuggling up to her daughter Lily and dog Alfie. Or is that dog Lily and daughter Alfie?
How we hanker for the days when dogs were called Fido, Woof and Schnorbitz and not Alfie, Lily and Poppy Holly! Just look at Miranda Richardson and her dog Liv.
At least Philip Treacy, the hat-maker, knows what’s what, calling his ugly little rat of a chihuahua Mr Pig.
And with a name and look like that, he’s bound to be attractive to Tamara. Perhaps she’s found her perfect mate at last…
‘
Old Dog, New Tricks
‘CHRISTINA Aguilera is not someone who is known to be shy about flashing the flesh – as British rocker Darren Hajul is only too happy to confirm.
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| We’ve got plenty more where this came from, Chrissy |
The Most Wanted singer claims that the 23-year-old ‘taught me some tricks I never knew’ – and he wasn’t talking about playing cards.
In fact, he says, they got on so well that she flew him to her Miami apartment for some more naughty action – and we catch up with them in Christina’s bedroom (complete with four-poster bed and mirrors) with the saucy singer dressed only in a black G-string.
‘I could tell she enjoyed men finding her so sexy,’ he says. ‘Christina whispered seductively ‘Do you like what you see?”
History does not relate Darren’s answer, but the Enquirer suggests that it may not have been an unqualified ‘yes’.
In a feature about the new craze to hit Hollywood, navel surgery, the magazine has that rarest of pictures – one of Ms Aguilera with her belly button not showing.
‘What are you hiding, Chrissy?’ it asks.
We don’t know but we would like to make it clear to Christina and her reps that, should she be less than proud of her tummy-winker, we will happily turn over every one of her navel shots in the Anorak library for a suitable fee.
We’re just trying to do the right thing, don’t you know?
‘
Happy Anniversary!
‘JULIA Roberts and Danny Moder’s marriage has limped through to a first anniversary, prompting the National Enquirer to ask: ‘Who said it wouldn’t last?’
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| Colour photography was in its infancy when Danny and Julia married |
Er, well, that would have been the National Enquirer, which has been telling its readers for months now that the relationship was on the rocks.
For instance, back in April, the magazine’s cover was emblazoned with the headline: ‘Julia & Danny: It’s All Over!’
And, in case that wasn’t clear enough, it followed it up with another heading inside: ‘Julia’s Marriage Is History’.
Who said it wouldn’t last? Who, indeed?
However, this week the Enquirer is happy to report that the couple celebrated their first anniversary with a second honeymoon – a romantic trip to Italy.
‘Once Julia and Danny touched down in Italy, they seemed to let go of all the problems of the past year,’ a source close to the couple says.
‘They rediscovered the spark that originally brought them together three years ago – and acted like newly-weds the entire trip.’
Of course, having been married for only a year, the couple are pretty well newly-weds – at least anywhere apart from Hollywood where they are now considered the Darby And Joan of Tinseltown.
‘
The Boob Job
‘WHEN Hollywood actresses spend half their life competing to show as much flesh as they possibly can, why do they spend the other half trying to preserve their modesty?
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| ‘I wouldn’t dream of posing topless’ |
The Enquirer reports on claims that curvy Cameron Diaz is caught up in ‘a sinsational $3.7 million topless photos scandal’.
That is the amount the Charlie’s Angels star was apparently prepared to pay to stop photographer John Rutter selling photos taken of her before she became famous.
‘In the pictures, Cameron is topless and she appears in some very provocative poses,’ a source tells the magazine.
‘Cameron had signed a general release when Rutter took the pictures, and Rutter’s lawyer contacted her reps to alert her there were other people interested in purchasing the photos.’
But the actress’s reps were outraged at what they consider extortion and went to the cops, who obliged by raiding Rutter’s studio.
‘I own the copyright on the pictures,’ a similarly outraged shutterbug said. ‘My lawyer offered her a chance to buy the pictures.
‘I felt it was the right thing to do since so many other people wanted to buy them.’
What a messed-up world it is when a man can’t even do someone else a good turn…
‘
Spencer For Hire
‘THE single greatest thing about today’s quest to achieve celebrity status is seeing how low the minor royals and toffs will sink to achieve it.
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| ‘And which window will it be today, children?’ |
And news is that Victoria Spencer, the former wife of Earl Spencer, has just lowered the limbo bar at the Holiday Inn in Slough a few inches more.
On the front cover of Hello!, the toff who was once Princess Di’s sister-in-law stands more naked than the day she was born.
The only adornment to her personage is the blue heart-shaped tattoo on her upper arm, a kind of ink and flesh equivalent of the silver spoon that once stuck out from between her teeth.
But the interesting thing is what she’s done to her breasts. Whereas the humble proletariat in the gutter inflate their tits with silicon, Victoria has moulded hers into the form of a baby.
And she’s called this lump of flesh Samuel.
‘Samuel is a recovery baby,’ says Victoria, ‘the gift of being clean and sober. He’s a new beginning for all of us [Amen to that] and a wonderful opportunity for healing the past.’
Next week Victoria backcombs her merkin and talks about the fresh challenges that lay ahead for a woman with her creative spirit and freedom of expression…
‘
Park Life
‘PRINCE Charles has been a stuffed, frumpy old duffer ever since he first pulled on a pair of cuff-links.
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| ‘Do that again, kid, and I’ll chin you!’ |
But he’s been doing it for so long now that he’s growing into the part.
Like some kind of maiden aunt who surprises the youngsters by suddenly belching at the dinner table or asking her niece if her new boyfriend is good in the sack, Charles talks to the children.
This week he is chatting to youth at the Party In The Park, the pop concert on London’s Hyde Park.
Hello! says that Charles is now dubbed the ‘Rocking Prince’. He’s earned the right to be so, having returned a ‘spud’ with the schoolboy band Blazin’ Squad.
To those not as cool as the fiery hot Prince, the spud is the clenched fist, one favoured by black power activists and now reduced in potency to a one-potato, two-potato streetwise handshake.
Spud done, the Prince is seen kissing Denise Van Outen on the cheek, smiling broadly as he meets the musical girl trio Mis-Teeq and staring at the boots worn by the girls of Liberty X.
As the Prince gets older he appears to be growing into himself more, and also adopting the ground once trod by his Grandma, the Queen Mother.
He’s already moved into her house – and it’s surely only a matter of time before he uncovers her secret gin supply.
‘
Casting Her Spell
‘FROM time to time we like to see what Sophie Wessex and her husband Eddie are up to.
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| ‘Breathe…breathe…breathe’ |
News is that Eddie is up to getting his wife pregnant, while Sophie is up to being pregnant.
Other than that there is much navel gazing and breathing of air, the Prince’s twin passions.
On Saturday last, Sophie undid the front door and ‘dazzled’ onlookers by turning up at the opening of a dyslexia centre in Surrey.
Staff were stunned because they believed the invitation had been sent to Jordan. But what with one letter looking so much like another, the crowd got Sophie instead.
Eddie was nowhere to be seen. So let’s not tempt fate and talk about him…
‘
Kitten Fight
‘BIG bosomed Hot Stars columnist Kerry Katona has a lot to get off her oversized chest this week and not even her husband can escape her acid tongue.
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| Bryan McFadden |
First off, however, it is David Beckham and his beautiful wife Victoria who feels the sharpness of the former Atomic Kitten’s claws.
Our Kerry lambastes poor old Dave for getting Dolce & Gabbana to bring his shopping out to the car to save him going into ths shop.
‘I think he’s been married to Posh Spice for too long and he wants to get himself a real bird – a good old, down-to-earth Northerner,’ says the good old, down-to-earth Northerner.
‘His behaviour was just ridiculous.’
Next in the firing line is Caprice, who is ‘quite boring’ and will be ‘crap at acting’.
And finally it is the turn of Calum Best, who ‘will turn up to the opening of an envelope’, is ‘arrogant’ and not all that good-looking, to get a mauling.
Calum has apparently been complaining that he can’t find a proper girlfriend because they all think he’s a tart – which he is.
‘I don’t think there’s a man in the world who has all those women hanging around him who doesn’t take them home and give them one!’
Certainly not Kerry’s husband, Bryan McPadding – and it looks as if Kerry still hasn’t forgiven him for sleeping with a lapdancer on his stag night.
McPudding may look to most of the world like Anna Nicole Smith with a thyroid problem, but Kerry thinks he looks like her.
Man breasts he may have, but please…
‘
The English Armada
‘WHEN the Spanish Armada set sail for England in 1588, little could they have realised the terrible revenge England would wreak four centuries later.
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| ‘Are you the ugly one who used to be in EastEnders?’ |
An armada of our own left these shores a couple of weeks ago, destination ‘the upmarket, cosmopolitan resort where the Spanish royal family keep their yacht’, Puerto Banus.
The cargo? Former soap stars like Dean Gaffney and Chris Bisson; Jordan, the world’s largest importer of silicone; and hosts Tony Truman and girlfriend Charlie Brooks.
‘Naturally such a host of celebrities attracted attention,’ OK! observes, ‘and Dean Gaffney was even asked to present an award for a local radio station’s Beach Babe Of the Week.’
An upmarket and cosmopolitan Beach Babe Of the Week competition, we assume.
But they were only the latest of a long line of British celebrities to head for the resort.
‘In the past few weeks, TV presenter Jeff Brazier has been spotted out and about in what has been dubbed Spain’s St Tropez,’ OK! assures us, ‘as have Rachel Stevens and Jeremy Edwards and the girls from Liberty X, as well as Nell McAndrew with her fiance Paul Hardcastle.
‘Tracy Shaw is looking to buy a property in the area, where boxer Prince Naseem Hamed already has a house, as have Kevin Kennedy and Beverley Callard – best known for their roles in Coronation Street.’
Oh, King Philip II – had you known then what you know now…
‘
The Glamour, The Glamour
‘WHY anyone would pass up the chance to spend their holidays in Puerto Banus is beyond us, but Wimbledon footballer Mark Williams and topless model Leilani opted for Cyprus instead.
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| ‘What shall we watch tonight, Mark?’ |
Or rather OK! opted to send them to the glamorous Paphos Amathus Beach Hotel as part of a promotion it is doing with Argo Holidays.
And what’s good enough for Mark and Leilani is good enough for OK! readers, as long as they can scrape together at least £835 per person and book before July 23.
All Mark and Leilani had to do was tell OK’ ‘what life’s like for a couple under the spotlight…’
Fame doesn’t come much bigger than for a Nationwide footballer and Page 3 girl – and it has been great for the couple to get away and relax without the risk of being mobbed.
Back home, life is of course very different and they can hardly set foot outside their house without being, er, very occasionally recognised.
So what do they do for fun together, OK! wonders.
‘We go down to Wimbledon Village a lot and just amble round, going for coffees and stuff,’ says Leilani.
‘We go to the cinema loads. Halfway through the month we always realise that we’ve watched all the films that are out and there’s nothing left to see, so we’ll get loads of DVDs and go back to the flat to watch them.
‘And we can watch MTV for hours.’
Oh the glamour of the celebrity lifestyle…’
Age Before Beauty
‘IT is funny how the older, less lithe of the two parties in a celebrity age-gap romance is so often the more famous of the two. Why is that?
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| An imperfect match |
There’s Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones, Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart and Demi Moore and her ‘toy boy’ lover Ashton Kutcher.
And isn’t it also odd that the younger lover is always in showbusiness?
One day we’ll get to the bottom of why this is so, but for now let’s look at the National Enquirer and see how Ashton and Demi are getting along.
While she is having ‘major doubts’ about their relationship, he is, apparently, keen to marry the star and have a baby. Wonder why?
In any case, it’s hard to see Demi sacrificing her expensively constructed frame for motherhood. Sources say that Demi is already worried that Ashton is spotting signs of ageing when the two are in bed.
In any case, she has three children already – Rumer, 14, Scout, 12, and Tallulah, 9 – by former husband Bruce Willis.
Which gets us thinking that when 25-year-old Ashton is 27, Rumer will of legal age and able to date her mother’s by-then-former beau in the guise of an up-and-coming actress.
And so it will go on and on, until, one day, cryogenics becomes viable and the showbiz merry-go-round can begin all over again
‘
Frankie Says Grow Up
‘THE pay-off for being a 17-year-old who looks about 12 is that you can remember scripts better than actual pre-teens and thus beat them to the best TV jobs.
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| ‘I’d like to thank my paediatrician, Mrs Holby in third grade, the bogey man for not getting me…’ |
It works for Malcolm In The Middle star Frankie Muniz, who reportedly earns $2.3m per season for the TV show.
And now he’s about to earn a further $5m starring in Agent Cody Banks 2.
‘I remember thinking to myself, when I get my first million, that should be enough – I’m done,’ says Frankie.
‘Now I’m waiting for my first £100 million and when that happens I’ll see how I feel.’
Probably about as excited and confused as any other 40-year-old who discovers hair growing on his face for the first time.
‘
Family Bondage
‘LET’S just hope that Frankie is wise enough to seek the advice from other teen stars, like Dana Plato (Diff’rent Strokes’ Kimberly Drummond), Melissa Sue Anderson (Mary Ingalls in Little House on the Prairie) and ‘squeaky-clean Family Ties cutie’ Tina Yothers.
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| Once upon a time not even butter would melt in Tina’s mouth |
In a news story that is truly hard to swallow, the former star of the 1980s hit TV show is to play porn queen Lind Lovelace in a new stage show.
The show, Lovelace: The Musical, is the brainchild of writer Jeffrey Bowman. And he thinks that Tina’s tonsils are up to the job of playing the Deep Throat star.
‘Tina can really sing, as well as act,’ he says. ‘I’m lucky to have her in the show.’
Tina is equally gushing. ‘There’s a definite shock value in this,’ says Tina to the Enquirer. ‘But I am an adult now…I’m not little Jennifer Keaton!’
And she’s also the best method actor in the business…
‘
Say It Again, Samms
‘WHAT do you get if you cross Anne Diamond with a liposuction needle? Why, Emma Samms.
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| The aliens should have kept her |
Emma divides her time between Los Angeles and London, travelling between the two in her narrow boat, the one she keeps moored in the West Country.
Many of you will not have realised that Emma, the former star of Dynasty, has been playing a dying patient obsessed with Art Malik in the BBC’s Holby City series.
Those who live outside nursing homes and actual hospital wards will not watch Holby City, so Emma resorts to type and talks about what it was like snogging Jeff Colby.
She says that John James, who played drippy Jeff, was ‘gorgeous’ and then regales us with the story that their first day of filming together called for them to spend the day in bed making out.
The two people in the world that have not already heard that story can pass onto the nest Samms’ anecdote, the one about Joan Collins, who looked ‘unbelievably gorgeous’ without make-up.
The only new thing in Emma’s life of any note is the £165 top by See, which one supposes is a design house. This she shows off in the rear of her narrow boat.
It rivals her other sensational news: ‘I love being a mum.’ At which point OK! dives into the water and swims like mad…
‘
The Bottle Of Becks
‘WITH David and Victoria out of town, the country has to make do with the woman who wants to be Becks: Tamara Beckwith.
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| Insert soldiers |
This week, the painted boiled egg was in Home House to talk up a range of fashion that no-one has heard of and fewer people wear.
Becks invites her friends along, and finds herself in deep and meaningful conversation with Normandie Keith, a woman who sounds very much like the man who used to smuggle fags on the Calais-Dover run.
No words were exchanged between the pair, and all we know is that Normandie wore a pair of ‘pants and looked fabulous’.
To put this event in its truest context, the boiled egg tells us that ‘Meg Matthews arrived’.
Since Ms Matthews seems to arrive at most things, it is somewhat to the event’s detriment that the boiled egg calls her appearance ‘an added bonus’.
Becks than air-kissed the entire design team and said her goodbyes.
‘
Lance A Little?
‘IMAGINE Magnus Magnusson winning Mastermind by answering all the questions before the contestant in the famous chair had had a chance to open his or her mouth.
Imagine Cilla Black taking a shine to Blind Date contestant No.3 – ‘our Brian from Solihull’ – and deciding to accompany him on a weekend in Copenhagen.
Or imagine Chris Tarrant writing himself a cheque for a million pounds after answering the 15 questions on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
It’s not easy to envisage any of the above scenarios – but then none of the people mentioned is Ulrika Jonsson.
Only the Swedish former weather presenter could have hosted a dating show called Mr Right and managed to beat off the 15 young suitors to claim the man as her own.
And this week she finds herself on the front cover of Hello! with the man in question – former Duke Of York’s equerry and all-round stuffed shirt Lance Gerrard-Wright.
The two are getting married next month at Ulrika’s £1m Swedish hideaway on the tiny island of Varmdo, near Stockholm.
‘His first marriage and her second will be a small, family affair at a quiet seafront location,’ says Hello! (which has clearly already scoped out the area for the best vantage point).
It will also be ‘away from the paparazzi and in keeping with Ulrika’s new low-key image after a turbulent relationship history’.
This would be the low-key image that saw her release an autobiography in which not only did she reveal her affair with the England football coach but also accused a well-known TV presenter of raping her.
But what of Lance? The ex-Army major managed to get turned down by not one but two girls on the TV show, but the great thing about Ulrika is that she can speak several different languages but doesn’t know the word for ‘no’ in any of them.
She describes their courtship as ‘a bit like when you slow-cook a chicken, nice and tender, rather than frying it quickly and spitting it out because it is tough and awful’.
Which of the many fried meals Ulrika has had she is referring to we don’t know, but Hello! certainly knows of the Swede’s partiality to poultry.
‘In retrospect,’ it says, ‘it was perhaps inevitable that the good-looking charmer with old-fashioned manners and Action Man reputation and the gregarious blonde with the hard-earned wisdom should be drawn to each other.’
‘Gregarious’ may be a kind euphemism for a woman who has spent longer staring at ceilings than Michaelangelo, but what of her fiance’s ‘Action Man reputation’?
Could it be that the only lance this major possesses is under First Name in his passport?
‘
Laws Of Nature
‘THE presence of Tara Palmer-Tomkinson guarantees a party, in much the same way as a party guarantees the presence of Tara Palmer-Tomkinson.
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| Tara comes over all shy |
It is one of those immutable laws of showbusiness – as fixed and as constant as the laws that govern the universe.
Tara could no more miss a party than the sun could start to revolve around the moon or Anthea Turner could keep her hands off another woman’s husband.
So it is with no surprise that we bump into TP-T in the pages of Hello! both at the Charlie’s Angels premiere and at Sir David Frost’s annual summer party.
Such is Tara’s status as a social butterfly that she can flutter between the two events – but which invitation do you accept if you are invited to both?
Well, the premiere boasted such luminaries of stage and screen as Lady Victoria Hervey, Nell McAndrew and Melinda Messenger, not to mention the ubiquitous Kidd sisters.
Frost’s party, on the other hand, could call on The Two Ronnies, Bruce Forsyth, Chris Tarrant and William Hague. Oh, and Barry Norman was there with daughter Samantha.
It’s your call…
‘
D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
‘IS it just us or does Rod Stewart’s estranged wife Rachel Hunter look like she was created by a computer programme with a slight bug in the software?
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| Rachel has made a Rod for her own back |
The ‘curvaceous’ 34-year-old New Zealander somehow manages to look even more fake than the CGI surfing sequence in the most recent Bond film.
But as she models sensual lingerie and spray-on swimwear for Hello! this week, all talk is not about her looks but about her private life.
The magazine recalls how she filed for divorce from Rod last month only to withdraw her petition three days later.
‘Prenuptial jitters are about as traditional as the wedding cake, but getting cold feet on the way to the divorce court is bound to raise a few eyebrows,’ says Hello!
Hello! says that until Rachel speaks out about her change of heart, rumours about her motives will remain just that.
Meanwhile, Rachel is ‘getting on with juggling being a busy mum and developing her modelling and acting work.’
And a computer engineer by the name of Stuart is working late into the night trying to identify where he went wrong…
‘
The White Ties That Bind
‘WE just got an invitation through the mail. So we’re puttin’ on our top hat, tyin’ up our white ties, brushin’ off our tails.
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| ‘Isn’t it funny…’ |
Oh, Elton John’s white tie and tiara ball will be such a hoot. There’ll be music, Ritz crackers with those delightful black fish egg paste on top and everyone will be there.
You don’t believe us? Well, take a look at OK!, which spots the myriad of faces – some famous; some soon to be – that went up to Elton and David Furnish’s house for some dancin’ in their tails.
Rather than give you a list of who was there, we ask you to take out your Anorak celebrity phone book and just tick off who was not.
No sign of Dale Winton. Cilla Black, Nell McAndrew, Jessie Wallace, One True Voice, Claire Sweeney, Anthea Turner and Vanessa Feltz were all not there.
No, that’s not Cilla, that ginger vision is Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess with the muchness.
Everyone else was there, including Naomi Campbell’s mum Valerie, Coronation Street’s Helen Worth, Stephen Gately and friend Andrew Cowles, Nick Faldo and Lulu.
For added glitter to go with all that stardust, the Beckhams parachuted in from 30,000 feet to say they were there.
But something went awry in the translation into Day-vid’s now native Spanish, and he turned up in a silver suit while she wore a full-length corset designed for someone more full length than she is.
But since you were all there, we won’t, as OK! does, bore you with the details.
‘
