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Protesters Beseige Waxworks
‘August 31 1978POLICE arrested four protesters at the Madame Tussauds waxworks in London, following a disturbance in the Chamber of Horrors.
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| Hitler’s waxwork gets on their wick |
All four were supporters of the Anti-Nazi League, the organisation responsible for disrupting Buster Mottrams match at Wimbledon after the player expressed his support for the National Front.
Protesters stood up between points to shout ‘Buster Mottram is a Nazi!’ through megaphones, and contributed greatly to the British No.1’s early exit from the tournament.
Today the tactics were the same, but the target very different. This time they had Adolf Hitler himself in their sights or rather, his waxwork likeness.
A single protester with a megaphone stood by the effigy, intoning Adolf Hitler is a Nazi! over and over again until he was eventually removed by security guards.
Outside, an angry crowd shouted: Adolf, Adolf, Adolf Out! Out! Out!
The demonstrators were eventually dispersed by the police, but vowed that the protest would continue.
‘Adolf Hitler once said that the only thing that could have stopped his rise to power was the physical smashing of his National Socialist movement in its infancy,’ said Dave Rogers of the Anti-Nazi League.
‘We have a duty to future generations to make sure that he doesnt raise his ugly head again.’
[Compiled by Ed Barrett]’
The New Beckhams
‘OUT of sight, out of mind. Since David Beckham and his wife Victoria moved to Spain, there has (as keen-eyed observers will have noticed) barely been a mention of them in the papers.
In fact, such is the hole that the couple have left in the celebrity gossip columns that a national search has been launched to find a replacement.
And at the forefront of that search is OK!, cruelly robbed of Princess Diana six years ago and now deprived of its favourite pairing.
It seems the only criterion for being the new Beckhams is the ability to provide an intoxicating mix of sport and showbiz – which, given how many footballers date models and soap actresses, is not in short supply.
However, it is highly debatable whether Birmingham City midfielder David Dunn and Emmerdale star Sammy Winward would bring Tokyo to a halt if they decided to visit Japan.
Southampton striker James Beattie and Sarah Rendle provide an intoxicating mix of sport and, er, studentdom but will that be enough to conquer a recalcitrant America?
And what about Arsenals French striker Thierry Henry and his publicity-shy model wife, Nicole Merry?
David Beckham changes his hairstyle 10,000 times a year, says Thierry. But Im not like that. I want people to talk about me, not for my clothes, my haircut or my cars.
So, a black man who likes to keep his life off the football pitch to himself and his publicity-shy wife – its almost like the Beckhams never went away.’
Help! It’s The Goodys
‘IN our search for the new Beckhams, need we look further than Big Brother loudmouth Jade Goody and her handsome TV presenter boyfriend Jeff Brazier?
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| ‘I’d eat Posh for breakfast’ |
They may not provide the intoxicating mix of sport and showbiz of David and Victoria (or even David and Sammy), but they have the same insatiable lust for publicity as Los Beckhamos.
And they have the same stable relationship as Posh and Becks. Yes, dont believe the reports in unreliable newspapers (which means everything but the Star and Express) Jade and Jeff are together and their relationship is stronger than ever.
Even during our interview, the pair bicker and talk over each other, interrupting and contradicting says OK!, but its so refreshingly natural and honest that you feel its a positive, rather than something that signals a doomed relationship.
But what of their celebrity separation (in which Jeff walked out of their house for three minutes to put the rubbish out).
I felt like I wasnt getting the respect I deserved, Jeff explains. I felt like I was giving so much and not getting anything back. So I wrote Jade a letter and told her exactly how I felt.
And Jade? I looked at it, she says, and just thought it was very unfair. Lots of long words and no pictures…’
Victoria & (Jodi) Albert
‘IF not Thierry and Nicole or Jude and Jeff, then maybe one of the Westlife boys can inherit the Beckham crown.
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| Westlife is better than no life at all |
Bryan, as we know, is married to big-breasted Hot Stars columnist Kerry Katona but he may have blotted his copybook when he had a fling with a lapdancer on his stag night.
I felt guilty, ashamed and grubby, the human pudding says of his indiscretion. It had started as a bit of a laugh and gone too far, ending in disaster.
That is no way to talk about his marriage to the former Atomic Kitten and so we turn our attention to Bryans fellow band-member Kian, pictured holidaying in the Caribbean with Hollyoaks babe Jodi Albert.
Its early days for the couple (who first got together in June), but OK! has already marked this down as one for the future.
And, so desperate is it for a new Posh & Becks, its already booking Jodis ticket to Sligo to meet Kians parents.
Its a serious step and one that doesnt fit into their taking things slowly strategy, but pretty soon Jodi and Kian are going to have to admit that they are on the path to something a lot more serious.
And who better to admit it to than OK!’
A Nose For Surgery
‘I SAY, I say, I say, this Hollywood celebritys got a new nose. Why, how does she smell? Through a hole behind her ears.
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| ‘You should have seen the one that got away’ |
The cruel thing is that noses keep on growing throughout life, thus necessitating not one but many, many visits to doctors Nip n Tuck.
Ears can be pinned back, lips enlarged and reduced in turn, but left to its own devices a nose will run all over your face.
Take Barry Manilow who is seen leaving the aforesaid doctors surgery clad in a pair of dark sunglasses, a Jimmy Savile-style fright wig and a neck brace.
The simple explanation is that the Barrys had some surgery, possibly a nose job. The more complex scenario has Barry donating his spare flesh to the War Against Terror every little helps.
Why Barbra Streisand has had surgery is anyone guess. And heres ours – with help from the Enquirers gallery of the changing mush of dear Babs shes looking a rough as a badgers bum.
Looking at Babs in a ridiculous disguise of black straw hat, blue smock and the kind of face mesh usually worn by beekeepers and the Taliban, the surgery has been done.
Of course she might not of had anything done. Remember this, as the Enquirer does: Plastic surgery would frighten me, said Babs. I dont even have my ears pieced.
Silly Babs must have finally realised that your dont have to take your ears off to have them holed. Surgery can be one in situ, as it were.
Of course, you do get to leave your old face behind on the operating room floor, before it is transferred onto the head of an older patient.
And so it goes. And so it goes…’
Happy Families
‘THE last thing most young men about town need is their mum moving in to their bachelor pad and bringing with loads of junior relatives.
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| Nothing will split them apart |
Not that Ashton Kutcher has his mum around. Why would he need her now that Demi Moore has wheeled herself over the threshold of his Los Angeles home.
We do not get to hear from Mrs Ashton, having to make do with unnamed sources close to the Enquirer who say that Moore has moved into the home of her toyboy lover, taking with her three daughters, Rumer, Scout and Tallulah.
Ashton, Demi and the kids are like one big happy family, says a source, perhaps the same as before. Theyve been having a blast. Theyre always playing games, like baseball, or skateboarding.
Just the other day they were playing happy families, with Ashton being daddy, putting on a serious frown and a tie, and Demi being grandma.
The kids pretended to be adopted…’
A Wind Up
‘WHAT are you doing for the next eight months?
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| ‘Better than the real thing ‘ – James Hewitt |
We will be looking on in wonder at our new Diana, Princess of Wales Commemorative Music Box, having purchased said heirloom of the future for a regular monthly payment of just £18.50.
Its not bragging to say that we could have paid the full asking price in one go – £148 but a slow payment keeps us linked to St Diana of Nichols Harvey for a little longer.
The great news is that you too can buy one of these magnificent boxes, of which there are a mere 950 in existence at this time.
You can, like us, stare at the portrait on the lid of Princess Di, and flip it open to listen to the wonderful rendition of Candle In The Wind by Sir Elton of John.
But in light of the expected high demand, we hereby instigate our own tie-break question: Do you want to buy a white, slightly battered Fiat Uno?
Offers in the region of an alibi and Harrods gift vouchers…’
Facing Cliff
‘LOOK out, Cliff!!!!
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| Tony Blair |
Oops! Too late. Before we know it Cliff Richard is upon us and hes invited us in to his villa in Barbados – you know, the one where Tony and Cherie jammed away the summer.
For the occasion, Cliff Sir Cliff – has popped his petite boyish frame into a pair of pink and lavender shorts.
Already sold on the wonderful views and Cliffs rock n roll lifestyle, we nonetheless receive the estate agents blurb.
Bob Monkhouse lives two roads away and Cillas down the hill, Cliff tells Hello! And Gloria Hunniford is suddenly even closer, snuggling into Cliffs armpit as they walk by the upper of his two pools.
I used to stay near the beach but Id get recognised – mainly by Cilla, Gloria and Bob. Nice though that many be, on Sugar Hill I can have my privacy.
Which beggars the question: what does Cliff want to keep private?
Having already shown us his body, whats left? There are the statuettes of Nubians clad in gold holding aloft urns. And there is that golden Buddha. What else is there?
Well, its the country that really excites Cliff. The ratio of growth on Barbados compared with Britain is 7:1, says Cliff. Time spent with Tony and the Blairios was time well spent. Cliff is now a regular Gordon Brown.
But, our mistake, Cliffs talking about vegetables and not Tony and his cabinet. Its an easy error to make.
In other words, he continues, ‘what takes a year to grow one foot in England will have grown seven feet on the island in the same time.
It truly sounds like a geneticist’s dream. Lord Sainsbury will be pleased.’
Open Day
‘AND so to our grand opening of another Hello! story.Weve sent out the invitations and are pleased, nay, delighted to say that Claire Sweeney is happy to attend.
First she has to go to watch a free movie Tomb Raider but shell be along as soon as its over and the free drinks have run out.
And Louise Griffith is also relieved to accept our invitation. Louise is the girlfriend of Jenson Button… Jenson Button is a racing driver… Racing is a form of organised traffic…
We could go on, but rest assured you will know all about Louise when she wins BBCs Fame Academy and becomes as famous and massively successful as David Sneddon.
And thats the reply from Jill De Jong. You know Jill. Jilly? The Jill-ster? Jillicent? You probably know her better as the Lara Croft model.
Never mind, youll meet her at the opening to our story. Later well open a bag of Twiglets – so expect to see Anthea Turner…’
Red Hot
‘WHO would have guessed that the lady in red was six months pregnant? asks Hello!.Not Prince Edward, thats for sure. Never the brightest ferret in the trouser leg, Eddie would be excused for wondering whats growing in his wifes tum-tum.
Whatever it is, we can only hope its got its mothers looks and its fathers brains. Er… make that his mothers brains and his fathers looks.
Christ! Lets just wish the poor little lamb lots of luck and a genetic mutation.
But Sophie Wessex, for it is she, does look so very well.
At one point in the visit to the Beating Of The Retreat ceremony in Scotland (how appropriate is that for Eddie), she very nearly lifted a finger.
She did step out onto the turf clutching a posy of flowers. And if walking was not talent enough, she later sat down and took it easy.
Meanwhile Prince Eddie stood to attention. In a kilt! Or perhaps he was just frozen in fear.
As we say, good luck, junior…’
Teachers See Red Over Blue Schoolbook
‘AN Essex schoolboy has declared war on progressive education in a pamphlet he believes will fire the imagination of young people everywhere. But his teachers are less enthusiastic, and he has upset some of them with his outspoken views.
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| ‘You might laugh now – but giving me a damn good thrashing will only make me stronger,’ says Richards |
Barry Richards, 16, is a pupil at the Wat Tyler comprehensive in Grays, and a leading member of the Essex Young Conservatives.
His book, The Little Blue Schoolbook, is a riposte to controversial Little Red Schoolbook, which was published in the UK earlier this year. But whereas the original enjoins pupils to organise strikes and demonstrations, Richards version extols the virtues of obedience, patriotism and polished shoes.
‘It is aimed at normal, decent young people who have no interest in pop music or demonstrations,’ he said, adding that he did not wish to be ‘brainwashed by left-wing teachers or commissars, as they should be called’.
This is not the first time that Richards has been in the news. Two years ago he attracted headlines when his school abolished its school uniform. Richards responded by creating his own, complete with cap, blazer, tie, shorts and socks.
A series of letters to national newspapers created wider interest, and led to the launch of his Stand Up for Standards campaign. He was particularly critical of teachers, accusing them of having no pride in their appearance and setting a poor example to pupils.
‘Its high time some of them had a bath and did a bit of business with Mr Wilkinson and his sword,’ he declared.
The shorts may have gone replaced by smart grey trousers but the attitude is unchanged. ‘Thisll get the Reds on the run,’ he told reporters, brandishing a copy of his manifesto outside the school gates. However, his fellow pupils appear to be unconvinced by his rhetoric.
Most regard him as a figure of fun rather than a potent new political force, and have declined his offer of a cut-price copy. There was little sign of animosity, though.
Two bearded protesters proffered a leaflet entitled The Truth About The Little Fascist Schoolbook, but there were few takers.
A spokesman for the NUT confirmed that there had been a disagreement between Richards and a female member of staff the previous day, although he said that there had been no suggestion of industrial action.
Compiled by Ed Barrett’
Ben’s A Sap
‘IF Ben Affleck were a porn star hed be a natural.
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| When is a tree not a tree? |
Getting and giving wood, as the Americans have it, would be an easy thing for the most wooden movie star since Pinocchio.
And like Pinocchio, Affleck has a troublesome conscience. No, hes not worried about arriving on Hollywoods A-list under a false pretences, he, as the Enquire has it, is concerned about a possible dalliance with a gaggle of Canadian strippers.
We say possible because Ben is telling girlfriend Jennifer Lopez that all he did was watch the girls dance. But the Enquirer reported that Affleck romped with one Tammy Portia Morris and two other strippers in a house Christian Slater was renting.
Yes, girls, that small sycamore in the lounge room was not a plant, that was Hollywood hunk Ben Affleck!
And now the magazine says its found a smoking gun proving that it was right and that Ben is a lying cheating hound.
Ryan Haddon, wife of Christian Slater, has, as the Enquirer claims, been trying to secure the exotic dancers silence.
She even wrote a letter, in which she says she trusts the women to protect us and keep the time we shared together as…a time capsule of fun, friendship and good times.
In the interests of crime research, the Enquirer has asked a team of experts to examine the authenticity of said smoking gun letter and the men and women in the know say it is indeed a genuine letter.
Meanwhile, Ben has gone to ground. And with the right conditions and plenty of water, he should fruit nicely in the spring…’
Jelly Cat
‘FOR those who want to know what Tammy Morris looks like, the Enquirer a photograph. Tammy, the dancer who claims to have wooed and won Ben Affleck for one night, has the ubiquitous Jennifer Aniston-style locks, a nose more aqualine than a dolphins bum and come to the surgeons eyes.
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| Matt sees his career |
But its her pose that strikes us as most fitting her apparent nature, as she lies on her back, loosens the sting on her top and pushes her 36DD breasts together.
If this were London 1984, there would be an ice cream, perhaps a Cornetto, placed in the cleavage. But the only thing thats been there is Ben, if the story is true.
And who are we to disagree, especially since all of Hollywoods male cast are at it with lapdancers. Take Matt Perry who, as the Enquire says, has engaged in a night of frenzied passion with a blonde dancer.
Step forward, shimmy like a randy fireman on his pole and take your clothes off 21-year-old Amy Bend. And the best bit is that shes British. Matt, as the story goes, met her while he was working in London.
We join the action in scene two, where Matt, having already broken the ice with a few pound coins in Amys knickers, has got her back to his suite at the Ritz.
He had that silly puppy-dog expression Chandler gets when Monica takes him away for sex, says our Amy. Pretty soon he led me to the sofa. What a kisser he is! My knees turned to jelly. I knew I had to have him there and then.
And thats proper jelly not jello or jam. Got it?’
Damn Spot
‘JENNIFER Aniston has a spot.
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| Thank you. This award for Acne Scar of The Year means so much to me |
Not a spot on a talk show or a late night confessional about women who are really men, but a spot as in a pimple, a blemish, an imperfection.
The Enquirer says that Jen is stressed out. What with the worry over her marriage, her career and her new $13.5million mansion, shes a wreck.
A fact evidenced in her spot, which the Enquirer helpfully circles in red ink for us.
Says a friend: In a few days she had developed a scab and when she picked at that, her face became a disaster area.
So Jen hotfooted it down to her Beverley Hills skin doctor, the same one husband Brad Pitt went to earlier this year.
Spooky coincidence? Perhaps, but it could be a sign that somethings spreading down Hollywood way. And its not just the lap dancers…’
Heiress And Graces
‘SWEDISH weddings are like buses and not just because in Ulrikas case as many people have been on the bride as have been on the average London Routemaster.
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| And we get Princess Anne! |
No, you wait all year for a Swedish wedding to feature in the glossy pages of Hello! and suddenly two come along at once.
For, also walking down the aisle in this weeks issue are Andrea Brodin and Niclas Engsall.
You can be forgiven that blank look on your face for it seems that the couples only claim to fame is that Andrea is a close college friend of Princess Victoria, heiress to the throne of Sweden.
And the presence of royalty at a wedding is always sufficient to arouse Hello!s interest, particularly as Princess Victoria was joined by her brother and sister, Prince Carl and Princess Madeleine.
However, there is a special interest here with Hello! hearing wedding bells for Victoria as she steps out in public with her handsome beau Daniel Westling for the first time.
It seems theres no problem for King Carl Gustaf and Queen Silvia that Daniels a commoner, says Hello!
According to a friend of Victorias, the king thinks Daniel is a great guy nice, hardworking, conscientious, with no skeletons in his closet.
And dull as ditchwater, by the sound of it.’
Unwanted Gest
‘LIZA Minnelli knows more than most about weddings she has been down the aisle (and back up it again in a hurry) on four occasions now.
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| Two wise heads |
And she is happy to share her thoughts on the latest man to call himself her husband, David Gest, to whom she was married for just over a year.
And to whom she still is married.
I am married, she says, to a brilliant, vital, crazy producer.
Hes great at what he does and I love him very much, but for the time being we are separated because its…too intense.
Were both very wise people, Liza continues, who care about each other so much. But right now, we need a little breathing space.
All of which translates as: My husbands a fruitcake with a Michael Jackson obsession and I cant even be in the same state as him.’
A Low-Key Affair
‘WHEN Ulrika Jonsson first announced details of her wedding to dating show reject Lance Gerrard-Wright, she assured us all that it would be a low-key affair.
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| ‘I’ll give you a fiver for a job lot’ |
I should imagine it will be small – and it won’t be featuring in Hello! or OK!, that’s for sure, she said. I don’t think that is what I am about now.’
So, what will she make of the cover of this weeks Hello!, which features the happy couple posing for the cameras and promises full wedding coverage with exclusive photographs?
Surely Hello! has not been up to its old tricks again, gatecrashing the intimate ceremony in the three-acre garden of Ulrikas Swedish home.
It certainly seems to know quite a few details about the ceremony, including the fact that one of the hymns contained the phrase, forgive our foolish ways.
Why it feels the need to point that out in relation to Ulrika we dont know, nor why it puts such store by the fact that she opted not to obey her husband.
What we do know is that one guest had never seen the bride looking so happy.
Everyones got a wonderful feeling here today and its all been much better than we ever could have imagined, the unidentified guest said.
We also know that Ulrika looked stunning in a £5,000 gown, Lance looked a right jerk in a blue morning suit with vivid pink lining and the best man was called Rufus.
For me this marriage is the ultimate commitment, says Ulrika (who has, of course, had one go at it before).
It also gave Ulrika the chance to have another hen night, which was a suitably riotous affair as she hit the bars of Stockholm with a vengeance.
Led blindfolded by her friends, Hello! explains, she sold kisses for £1, according to an old Swedish custom.
It is not known how she fared, but the Swedes would be in their rights to object to paying for what has been given away to almost every man in England for free.’
The Real Deal
‘DID you know that Jodie Marsh has a head stuck atop a neck somewhere to the north of her chest? And in this highlighted, crimped and painted orb are lots of lovely brains.
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| Jodie belts up |
She’s got 11 A-grade GCSEs and three A-levels. But at the forefront of this razor-sharp mind are her pair of real tits. As Jodie says: ”I’m the most famous person in the country for having real boobs.”
Indeed, having silicon-enhanced tits is as common as, well, having 11 GCSEs and, we suppose, a head.
It’s the thing that makes Jodie a cut above the rest, especially Jordan, the glamour model with whom Jodie is grappling for uberslapper status.
”I don’t care about her,” says Jodie dismissively. ”I have no opinion of her…I couldn’t care less if we’re friends or enemies.”
So you’re not the new Jordan? ”No. I’m Jodie Marsh. At first I bounced off Jordan for publicity, then, as I got bigger, she used me for publicity”.
Using Jordan as a springboard should shoot Jodie somewhere well into the outer reaches of space.
But Jordan is not taking it lying down and fight promoters have offered a £100,000 purse for them to get it on in the ring.
”Bring it on!” yells Jodie. ”She’s a couple of inches taller than me, but I’d win.”
Because we’ve learnt that real tits matter, and Jodie’s got them in abundance. Just look as they peep though the bubbles as she takes a bath.
And if you stare you can see the words ‘Porn Star’ tattooed on her belly. ”I would never do porn,” says Jodie. A porn star who don’t doesn’t do porn. How very ironic.
But she’s going to get it altered to say ‘Born Star’. And that’s more fitting for the girl with her head firmly on her shoulders – and her tits in everyone’s face…
‘
Little Shop Of Horrors
‘AFTER weeks, nay years, of selfless dedication, the people from the OK! style police have found the shop that sells Britney Spears her clothes.
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| Where’s Vanessa Feltz when you need her? |
It’s called BCBGMAXAZRIA, a suitably tricky moniker for a store whose products leave so many of us speechless.
OK! has taken a trip to Los Angeles to see Britney as she steps into the boutique to try on some more horrendous fashion.
And as every star knows, if you want to look good get some plain, badly dressed pals to tag along.
So, with a girl in a pink nightdress over a pair of blue jeans to her far right and another chick in a similar creation one step closer, Britney gets in her car and hits the shops.
And the result is in keeping with any motor accident. Britney tries on a ”stunning” black bustier and take advice from her sartorially challenged friends as to how awesome she looks.
Then she’s off to a Santa Monica restaurant for some drinks and a few post-prandial fags.
The wholesome image has long gone, and so are the bodyguards who used to shield prying cameras and eyes from gawping at the WASP pin-up.
Which is a shame because the big guys used to prevent us seeing too much of Britney, like the crack of her arse that peeps over the top of her jeans.
It’s a bad look – but nothing a leopard-print pair of tights and some blue lace won’t cover up. And we know just the place to get some…
‘
Nush Off
‘WHAT did happen to Nush and Scott, the drippy Malvern string of water and the Scouse no-mark whose performances on Big Brother made us long for the Test Card of old?
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| ”It’s truly amazing,” thought Scott, ”you’d never know she was once a man” |
For starters they went to Cyprus – not to avoid the crush of their adoring fans but because OK! paid for their trip.
The clear plan was that the pair would fall in love. So in each photo the OK! snapper moves them close together.
So we get Nush and Scott drinking cocktails. Nush and Scott engaging in a loose embrace. Nush and Scott firing water pistols at each other. Nush and Scott sitting in a swimming pool.
Nush and Scott riding a jet bike. Nush and Scott downing some more booze. Nush and Scott leaning on a railing. Nush and Scott putting each other’s head in a hot oven and slamming the door repeatedly.
That last one has yet to happen, but if it got the pair to actually show signs of affection and even something approaching lust, the OK! snapper would probably sanction it.
So until then, let’s wonder what Nush and Scott will do next. How about Nush and Scott disappear..?
‘
The Bard Truth
‘NATIONAL Enquirer readers love a good conspiracy theory.
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| Unlike Lady MacBeth, Marilyn preferred to keep her damned spot just above her top lip |
You know the kind of thing – the moon landings actually took place in a school gym in Arkansas, JFK was really shot by a Cuban-trained squirrel and Oprah Winfrey is in fact the vanguard of an alien invasion force who want to eat us out of existence.
So when the Enquirer uncovers secret tapes of Marilyn Monroe talking to her psychiatrist Dr Ralph Greenson, it can mean only one thing – Marilyn was murdered.
The tapes may not actually feature the moment when President Kennedy smothered his erstwhile lover with a pillow, all the while telling her that he was doing her a kindness, but the magazine hears enough evidence to be convinced.
For instance, on the tapes (made only months before her death, apparently of a drugs overdose) Marilyn tells her shrink that she has thrown all her pills down the toilet.
”Her feelings don’t present her as a woman bent on destroying her life,” says Matthew Smith, author of Victim – The Secret Tapes Of Marilyn Monroe.
”I’m convinced they point to the true cause of her death – murder.”
The Enquirer, it seems, needs as little convincing as Mr Smith, claiming as ”persuasive evidence” that the actress had put her problems behind her and was not a suicide risk her assertion: ”Now I am a whole woman. Now I have control of myself, control of my life.”
As further evidence, it hears Marilyn talk about her plans for the future – as producer and star of several movies based on the works of William Shakespeare.
”I feel certain I’ll win an Oscar,” said our latter-day tragic heroine, ”and I owe it to you doctor that I can.”
But in what role? As tragic Ophelia or murdered Desdemona?
‘
Ben And Jenny
‘AS a marriage and family therapist for the past 20 years, Dr Israel Helfand is more qualified than most to give an opinion on the relationship between Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez.
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| ”Are you only pretending to love me?” ”No. I’m not that good an actor” |
And he lets the Enquirer in on some startling news this week. ”A lot of Hollywood marriages are doomed before they even begin,” he says, to gasps of astonishment.
That’s right – some Hollywood relationships never stood a chance. And one of the reasons, he opines, is because Hollywood actors are ”living life in the fast lane”.
But what does this mean for Ben and Jen’s forthcoming nuptials?
Well, expert though he is, Dr Helfand is not going to rush to judgement – but it is the considered opinion of psychotherapist Suzanne Lopez that Ben’s sex orgy with Canadian strippers will cause a certain amount of friction between the couple.
”This incident will absolutely generate problems for Ben and Jennifer,” she says. ”And there’s nothing Jennifer can do.”
But there is something Ben can do. ”If he’s capable of experiencing Jennifer’s pain, experiencing her sadness about his indiscretion, then there’s great promise,” she says.
And that just leaves famed psychologist Dr Joyce Brothers to sum up.
”The sense I have,” she says (exhibiting it to the full), ”is that Ben and Jennifer really care for each other.” Which is apparently an important ingredient of a good relationship.
Truly, you cannot buy expert opinion like this. Or at least you can, but it costs $500 an hour from the Center For Stating The Bloody Obvious in Beverley Hills.’
Extra Cheese
‘THE Atkins Diet may be second only to the Demi Moore diet in Hollywood, but in the rest of the United States the Cameron Diaz diet is king.
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| ”I’m on the Vanessa Feltz diet” |
Not all of the good burghers of Wyoming and Wisconsin can afford to splash out $400,000 on a new body every time they put on a few pounds.
So instead they do as Cameron does and chow down on a diet of tomato and salad, wedged into a sesame seed bun between a couple of quarter-pound burgers and some melted cheese.
Unfortunately, Cameron is, according to a top New York City nutritionist, something of a genetic freak.
”If a person’s family is thin, it’s likely the offspring will be thin,” says Dr Stanley Title, ”and if your metabolism is high, you can eat like a horse and still remain thin.
”Cameron would appear to be blessed with both factors and can remain extraordinarily thin despite gobbling food that would widen the waistline of most people in no time.”
The rest of America appears on the Jerry Springer show, instead.’
Disaster Strikes Millennial Hardliners
‘Tragedy has struck an organisation dedicated to marking the millennium a year after the official date.
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| And in trice, Clive, Jill and Bev were consumed by fire |
The True Millennialists argued that the second millennium would begin on 1st January 2001, and boycotted the official celebrations 12 months earlier. This year, however, they marked the true millennium in style, with a flotilla of party boats on the Thames, and it was there that they suffered a cruel – and deeply ironic – twist of fate.
At midnight, December 31st 1999, a massive series of pyrotechnics had been planned as part of the public celebrations, climaxing in a waterborne display intended to turn the Thames into a ‘River of Fire’. On the night, the mechanism failed, and the event was a damp squib.
It now transpires that, while the so-called ‘millennium bug’ did not cause the apocalyptic chaos that had been widely predicted, one particular computer had a nasty surprise in store. The River of Fire control system triggered the display exactly 12 months late, igniting huge hidden tanks of petrol that had been forgotten in the hangover of the previous celebrations.
The resulting fireball occurred just as the True Millennialists approached, but instead of turning back, they pressed on into the flames, singing loudly and raising their arms to the sky. Witnesses from nearby boats said that the millennialists appeared to take the fire as a sign of imminent Armageddon, and willingly went to meet their maker. No spokesman for the organisation was available today, and its headquarters was deserted.
Compiled by Ed Barrett
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The Emerald Aisle
‘SUCH has been Westlife’s love of the cover single – when the band sings someone else’s song with a slight flattening of key – that we’re looking for tributes in the wedding celebrations of band member Nicky Byrne.
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| ”We had joy, we had fun, Bryan weighs a ton…” |
The wedding of Nicky to Irish Prime Minster Bertie Aherne’s daughter Georgina makes the front cover of Hello!.
It’s one of those weddings where not only the bride wears white, but Nicky too immerses his body in the colour of virginal purity.
With white socks last seen on Sweet Gene Vincent, Nicky and Georgie invite us to their ”fairytale wedding”.
Here’s that Hello! invitation in full: ”The childhood sweethearts share their special day with us as they set the seal on their romance at an idyllic French chateau.”
We are sure you agree that those are very beautiful words. And had Terry Jacks (Seasons in the Sun) or Abba’s Bjorn and Benny, with a nod to Martin Luther King, (I Have a Dream) written them, Nicky would be able to sing the lyrics with the rest of his tribute band.
And there are the rest of the guys of Ireland’s boy-band brotherhood. There’s Bryan McPudding, wearing a black shirt and blue tie.
And there too is Ronan Keating belting out an ”emotional” rendition of the couple’s favourite song I Love The Way You Love Me (Boyzone).
Kian Egan then poses with his new love Jodi Albert from Hollyoaks.
And Shane Filan is with his fiancee Gillian, smiling broadly in a velveteen frock coat and ubiquitous white tie.
Nicky and Georgina then retired to purple thrones and Nicky, still dressed in the manner of Paul Gascoigne when his Hello! wedding thrilled us years back, said that Georgina to him was everything, the sweetest song that he could sing (oh, baby).
In keeping with past events, the pair are expected to D.I.V.O.R.C.E sometime in the future.
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