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Billy Bob’s Yer Uncle
‘WANT to live in the lap of luxury or at least wiggle your arse in it? Then you should do as many girls have done and learn to lap dance.
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| Bum face |
Its the fast track route to meeting the Hollywood star of your dreams. Sure hes a sleazebag who pays to watch girls get naked, unable to trust that his native charm and looks will get him a date. But look at that bulge in his pants – that wallet is bursting with cash!
His wallet also contains a picture of one of his ex-wives or someone elses (see Ben Affleck). But worry less about that and check out the other pocket, the one containing the keys to his condo in Miami, his lodge in Vermont and that magnificent neo-Georgian pile in Beverly Hills.
The latest star with a paid-for rump in his lap is super cool Billy Bob Thornton. Billys knocking on a bit these days, but being caressed and groped by the hands that once touched Angelina Jolie is a wonderful thing.
The 48-year-old is seen in this weeks Enquirer getting into the bum-crack groove at the Yellow Rose nightclub in Austin.
Billy hes the one disguised as a lecherous old man is seen swapping saliva with two entertainers and posing for a photograph with many more, one of whose trousers hes hilariously pulled down.
Billy really is a wag. And if you dont die laughing from his antics, youll get to live in the knowledge that you once rubbed your arse on the crotch of a genuine heartthrob.’
Carved Up
‘OPRAH Winfrey is half the woman she was. The missing half can be seen congealing in a bucket outside the offices of Doctors Nip n Tuck, our friends with a scalpel.
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| Oprah spots dessert |
And, boy, do they ever work hard for their money. The Enquirer says that it took the docs seven hours to carve the excess flesh from Oprahs frame.
Sure the $100,000 she paid the plastic surgeons for their time was useful, but the real reward comes when they see what Oprah looks like now, or will do as soon as the bandages have been taken off and the scars are heeled.
With the help of an insider, the magazine conjures up an impression of what the presenter will look like come her grand unveiling.
The eyebrows are lifted, not quite into a look of astonishment, just enough to suggest the merest hint of surprise, as if Oprahs dessert thats just arrived at table is bigger than shed dared hope for.
The implant inside her jaw, gives her a more rugged, handsome face. And her breasts have been reduced and lifted. They now have a more youthful, perky look.
Liposuction to her thighs, knees, stomach, arms and that manly chin add to the streamlined appearance. A keen campaigner for the underprivileged, Oprah will be heartened to hear that the siphoned off fat has been sent as cooking and heating fuel to a small city in Zambia.
And the conclusion is that Oprah looks amazing. Shell soon be up and ready to get back on her chatshow, and tell the women of America to be happy with themselves, not to worry about fat and to be confident, assured and honest in everything they do.’
Off The Menu
‘MANY celebrity diets involve a clandestine visit to our medical pals Nip n Tick. But in those inter-surgery moment, our stars like to keep their weight down by dieting.
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| Demi models the unopenable ‘Demi Cookie Jar and Wrist-o-ciser’ |
Today, the Enquirer lists and details the favourite celebrity diets. And we, in the bid to burn the worlds fat, and in so doing to bring heat and light to the impoverished, tell you how to shed that lard.
There is the Atkins diet. Since we are all already on this, we move onto the Zone, a diet favoured by Demi Moore and her lover Ashton Kutcher.
For lunch a Zoner like Demi can eat a 4oz turkey burger topped with 1oz of mozzarella, lettuce, and tomatoes. And its two fresh peaches for dessert.
At this point our medial friends interject, reminding us that Demi, like you, shouldnt eat anything in the hours preceding surgery. No, not even the lettuce.
To complete the menu, there is the Raw Food diet (mud), the South Beach diet (sand), the Las Vegas Showgirl diet (remember to spit), the Menopause diet (pills), the low-fat/high-fibre diet (cardboard) and the Weight Watchers diet (no mirrors).
Any diet not covered here can be fielded under the term eating. Remember where you heard that word first…’
Punch Drunk
‘FRUSTRATION can be relieved in many ways. And thanks to a 28-year-old Chinese man from Chengdu there is new one. The chap is offering himself up as a human punch-bag.
This unnamed entrepreneur charges 50 yuan (about £4) for a two-minute go. For the money, the man guarantees that he will not fight back.’
Jake Of All Trades
‘AFTER Davina, Anthea and Vanessa, we give you Claudia. If you want to get into this showbiz world, you girls had best have a name that sounds like a venereal disease.
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| ‘If you’re out there, Jake, please come home – mummy needs you for another article’ |
This Claudia comes with the surname Winkleman, adding grist to our VD mill and leading to many schoolish laughs into our hands.
And for added comic value – this girls a natural Hello! also introduces us to Claudias husband PR boss Kris Thykier. That is Kris with a K, and Thyckier with a Y.
Reassuringly the couples son is named like every other child who isnt called Joshua and Max and resides in the warm comfort of Jake.
But where is the little blighter? Every day Im desperately tempted to bring Jake to the Academy, says Claudia, who unbeknown to millions presents the BBCs Fame Academy, but as much as I want him here with me, Im also realistic enough to know that my head would be all over the place if he was in my dressing room. She concludes: It can only be a pipe dream.
Mothers who like to keep their kids close might wonder about Claudias dedication to parenting. Why did she have him in the first place? It was one of those philosophical situations where if it happened, it happened, explains Claudia.
And sure enough it did apparently. We still cant see the little love, so like that other philosophical question about the existence of God (whos also called Jake) well have to take Claudias word for it.
Perhaps Jakes crawled out of a window, since he was, as is the way with all Jakes, born by Caesarean, a facet of her life Claudia is eager to share with the world.
She also tells us that shes a size 12, did the Aktins diet for a full week, put on five stones while pregnant with the illusive Jake, and doesnt sleep.
But it doesnt matter, says Claudia. Ill sleep when hes 13. Or when his nanny stays over ’
The Full Cancer Treatment
‘WE often wonder what life is life in the home shared by Lynn Faulds Wood and John Stapleton.
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| Lynne Faulds Wood |
In our fantasies we imagine the champions of child safety and her cancer, smoking 40 a day each and living in a home full of all the goods deemed too dangerous for human use that have featured on the couples myriad TV shows.
Sitting on a sofa with the non flame-retardant fabric and the arms covered in cherry burns from falling cigarette embers, Lynne talks about her new job presenting Lynnll Fix It on GMTV with her husband. And life.
If I hadnt had a three-year-old child and been a presenter of Watchdog – which means fighting for causes and not taking no for an answer – I seriously believe Id be dead now, says he.
Lynn had cancer. She had slight symptoms that came and went, which were finally diagnosed as cancer. And, whats more, Lynne had cancer?
She also had a Caesarean. But, surprisingly, her son is called Nicholas, and not Jake. Which is odd indeed, and most likely illegal.
But normality is soon restored because Lynn is talking about the Atkins Diet, what the chattering classes use to prop up the conversion between talking about school fees, property prices and Lynns cancer.
The Atkins diet does worry me, because it cuts out carbohydrate, which is where a lot of people get their fibre, says Lynne. It is now thought the transit time of food in the intestine could be important in determining who get bowel cancer.
Oh, and did we tell you that Lynne has had just that? We didnt? Well, lets call Lynne back were sure that with the right amount to charm and tact you can get her to talk about it.’
Teenage Fanclub
‘WHAT is your worst nightmare? Being eaten alive by maggots? Waking up and finding out that youre Leo Blair?
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| Close your eyes if you dare! |
Whatever it is, something involving the celebrities who turned up to the Duchess of Yorks Teenage Cancer Trust bash cant be too far behind.
Hello! was also at the celebration of teenage cancer, spotting some of the leading lights in the battle against the disease.
Theres the Duchess herself, alongside the ubiquitous Tania Bryer and her husband Tim Mougarigge. And over there are newlyweds Ulrika Jonsson and Lance Gerrard-Wright, only recently back from their honeymoon. Great to see them.
And marvellous to see that Lord Freddie Windsor has made it along, talking a leaf out his mothers book and goose-stepping the night away.
But watch out, Freddie, theres Trinny The Tranny Woodall, and shes got some fashion tips for you and the other guests. Luckily, as ever, shes taken the selfless step of illustrating how not to dress by stepping into something unpleasant, this time a tube of flock wallpaper.
But lets think on. With such an array of talent we are sure that the cancer that is teenage cancer will very soon be cut out once and for all…’
Here’s One We Made Earlier
‘HURRY down to your newsagents and reserve your copy of next weeks OK!, which will contain world exclusive pictures of the wedding of the century.
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| Jennifer got more splinters this way |
Hollywoods golden couple, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, will become man and wife in the wedding the world has waited to see, it says.
And of course OK! will bring you all the glamour and glitz of their big day.
Your favourite celebrity magazine will cover the stars intimate romantic service, the dazzling cast of famous guests, the lavish wedding breakfast, Jennifers fabulous designer dress, the rings, the cake, the heartfelt speeches and of course the incredible party to celebrate the union.
Now, its one thing knowing when and where the couple are getting married, but quite another to know in advance that the speeches were heartfelt and the party incredible.
But this is a wedding that OK! seems to know everything about except for the fact that its been called off.
What to do? Having no doubt cleared page after page in next weeks magazine for the grainy shots of the couple taken with the John Holmes of telephoto lenses, OK! is in a bit of a quandary.
It could, of course, just pray that the announcement that the wedding is to be postponed is what is termed in the US of A as a fake-out to dupe the press.
Or it could do what cricket broadcasters do when they have a gap in the schedule caused by rain show replays of old matches.
Jennifer has at least a couple of old wedding videos in her collection that would fit the bill nicely.’
Atomic Kitten Gets Catty
‘OUCH! Anoraks favourite celebrity columnist, the aerodynamically inefficient Kerry Katona, has sharpened her claws this week and isnt scared to use them.
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| ‘Didn’t I meet you on Brian’s stag night?’ |
MIAOW! Mariah Carey gets a broadside from the former Atomic Kitten she is branded weird, immature, diva-ish and childlike and told that she has lost sight of reality.
SCRATCH! Kerry just cant take Rod Stewarts blonde Penny Lancaster seriously it seems that she always has to be in the limelight and the only way shes going to do it is by dancing sexily and wearing next to nothing.
HISS! Any girl who gets involved with Lee or Duncan from Blue is just stupid.
OK, if youre after a one-night stand, then fine but to actually get involved in a relationship with them when its so obvious what theyre like…!
So, that would be Anya Lahiri, formerly of Precious, whom our Kerry is calling stupid as she has just got back together with Duncan, would it?
Anya is a lovely girl, she goes on, and I hope she and Duncan last, but whether she can get over the fact that hes slept with so many other girls, I just dont know.
Stranger things have happened like forgiving your husband for going to bed with a lapdancer on his stag night while youre at home pregnant, for example.’
Heart (And Legs) Of Oak
‘WHOEVER told Nikki Sanderson, Coronation Street crimper Candice, that she had nice legs has a lot to answer for.
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| Squirrels beware! |
Because the 19-year-old slips into a £143 mini dress by Plein Sud Jeans and does her impression of two oak trees growing up side-by-side.
Then she slips that off and throws on a pink suit from Zara and again shows us the full acreage of flesh that are her (inaptly named) pins.
But all this has a point Nikki is using the pages of OK! to introduce the world to her boyfriend, fashion store manager Jamie Meakin.
Which is just about where our interest wanes and so we pop our head round the door of the Park Lane Hotel just in time to catch EastEnder Gary Beadle marry his long-time girlfriend, Tanya Findel-Hawkins.
Theres no shortage of celebrities here, chucking pink champagne down their throats as they chat among each other and pose for photographs.
But wait! Someone is missing. Where is Garys co-star and Tanyas one-time idol, Letitia Dean?
I went to school with Titia, says Tanya, by way of an explanation. I adored her and looked on her as a mentor because she was in the class above me she was so glamorous.
She showed me how to get a better cleavage by dusting a little bronzer there.
On such things are friendships born – or, as Nikki would say, from such small acorns two giant oaks can grow.’
Three Times A Lady
‘WITH the Anorak Hovercraft ready for another trans-Atlantic voyage to Hollywood, the news is that we may have to power down the engine.
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| Get your own cardboard Ben from the Anorak shop |
Depending on what or whom you listen to, Jennifer Lopez is and isnt getting married to Ben Affleck.
While the newspapers have it that the wedding is off, the National Enquirer, which makes it its business to know about these kinds of things, says it is most definitely on.
But before we can see Jennifer in her Comfi-Fit wedding dress we must first hear more of her husband.
Having, allegedly, fooled around with lapdancers on a trip to raunchy Canada, Ben is now, we learn, playing for high-stakes gambling.
This desperate bid to make Ben Affleck into something approaching interesting is digging ever deeper. The evidence for this latest effort to add depth to the man who could be out-acted by a paper-thin piece of oak veneer is on hand.
It seems that on a trip to Los Angeles, Ben played a game of poker. On another occasion he went to a casino in Connecticut, where he placed bets on the turn of a card.
If this is not danger enough, the magazine has a shot of Ben wearing his baseball cap with the peak aimed towards the back. We also learn that Ben smokes cigarettes and has drunk Diet Coke on at least one occasion.
While crazy Ben careers off the rails, J-Lo is getting ready for her Big Day III. And to help her chose her outfit, the Enquirer produces pictures of the actress and her accessories.
The invitation is clear: readers can use a pair of scissors to cut around the image of Jenny and the shots of her jewels, shoes and bag, and with glue create a finished version.
So the Crysyal tiara worth an embarrassingly small $295 goes on her head, the diamond princess earrings worth $86,000 go on her ears and the wedding band goes on whatever finger theres room on…’
Fat Suits
‘NICOLE Kidman is looking like shes lost some 15 pounds in weight and, as the Enquirer tells us, friends are concerned.
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| Nicole wears Calista’s old clothes |
We are proud to number ourselves among Nicoles inner circle of concerned well-wishes, but must confess to a smirk of self-satisfied pride.
Eagle eyes will have spotted that looking like in line one. And its there because Nicoles wearing our Anorak EZee Slim range of clothing.
To many eyes not overly familiar with the latest fashion technology, Nicole does appear like the Enquirers scarecrow, and thats one that looks like its had the stuffing knocked out of it.
Nicoles spokesman Catherine Olim wants to put paid to any rumours, and is on hand to say that her client and, dare we say friends, is a great mother.
And generous. We must thank Nicole, who has taken it upon herself to work as an EZee model without pay.
The actual Anorak girl can be seen in our forthcoming brochure, where Vanessa Feltz, for it is ever she, pulls on our trousers and does a passable impression of Calista Flockhart…’
Hide And Cheek
‘A BIG blast on the trumpet for Cameron Diaz who has taken a stranded African elephant under her wing.
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| ‘At least I don’t have spots’ |
Cameron was shocked that the elephant was crammed inside a small cage at Miami Metro-Zoo and is helping a charity in its efforts to raise the necessary £300,000 to transport Flora to somewhere better.
The star is said to be besotted by the beast, splashing out a vital part of the £20million she earned on the recent Charlies Angels movie on a frame in which to keep a picture of precious Flora.
And you can do your bit to help by spending £20 on a T-shirt across which is written the legend Free Flora and a further $80 on a pair of elephant-shaped earrings.
And if things go really well, Cameron is keen that any left over cash should go towards Floras nose realignment and dental treatment and fruit skin peel…’
The Chic Of It
‘IF you are in London on a Tuesday night and have nothing better to do, may we suggest you sashay down to Chelsea and make for the K Bar?
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| ‘I could murder a stick of celery, Poppy’ ‘Me too, Chloe’ |
It’s been newly refurbished and on Tuesdays hosts a new club night called Chic run by Charlie Gilkes and Simon Sapon.
We only say this because Hello! allowed itself a couple of glasses of champers with Charlie, Si and their crew at the launch party.
And judging by the pictures it took, there was a jolly good crowd in attendance.
Kirsty Hamilton-Smith, Olivia Scott-Webb and Charlotte Stewart-Brown were there, as was Ali Spencer Churchill (so posh she doesn’t need a hyphen) and sisters Poppy and Chloe Delevigne.
Tarquin Southwell couldn’t make it – he was at a polo match and party in Windsor Great Park to celebrate the launch of the company he has started with model girlfriend Jodie Kidd.
The company, which brings together Jodie’s world of fashion and Tarquin’s word of polo, is called Pret-a-Polo Events. Geddit?
And it’s aimed at everyday people, like Kirsty, Olivia, Charlotte, Poppy and Chloe…’
Walker’s World
‘YEARS ago, Anna Walker was one of Sky’s most high-profile TV presenters, even fronting her own adventure travel series called Walker’s World.
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| ‘Have I told you that Catherine Zeta Jones is my best friend?’ |
These days, her claim on the public consciousness is confined to the fact that she was Catherine Zeta Jones’ maid of honour at her marriage to Michael Douglas.
Appearances on TV are as rare as a 10th wedding anniversary in Hollywood.
And even when our Anna does get a gig, it is in her status as professional friend – as when she travelled to the Venice Film Festival for This Morning to interview, er, Catherine Zeta Jones.
If Hello! is to be believed, this is a situation that Anna (who is pregnant with twins) is entirely comfortable with.
‘These days,’ it says, ‘Anna is only too happy to lead a more down-to-earth lifestyle.’
But of course Hello! isn’t to be believed – Anna, like Anthea Turner, is desperate to revive her comatose career.
Anthea actually managed to get a part on Celebrity Big Brother, unlike Anna who had to be content with first reserve status on the first series of I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!
But, as Catherine’s friend, Anna at least gets to show off a mouth that puts Carol Smillie to shame and talk about her pregnancy and her career.
‘Catherine actually knew about this pregnancy even before my family,’ she says. ‘She was hugely supportive and very excited.
‘We stay with her and Michael once a year so I like to think that as the children get older, they will be friends. You can’t force it, of course [and God knows I’ve tried], but they’re close in age.’
And what of her career – or at least her interview with you know who?
‘The difference is that I know more about her than I would about most interviewees because we’ve been close friends for years,’ she says.
‘I would never want to compromise that friendship, it’s much too important to me.’
Indeed. Why jeopardise your friendship for your career, especially when the friendship is your career?’
Welsh Rarebit
‘ANNA Walker wasn’t the only person out at the Venice Film Festival working, Hello! was also there taking pictures of all the stars.
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| ‘Hi, is George in please?’ |
And that means pictures of Anna’s friend, Catherine, sitting in a chair, pictures of Catherine in a car, pictures of Catherine getting out of said car, pictures of Catherine stuffing her face with wedding cake…
Okay, so the last one’s not in very good taste, especially as Catherine and Hello! are best friends again after the unfortunate wedding incident.
In fact, it seems to have been part of the court settlement that Hello! should feature the Welsh actress on its cover every week and be more sycophantic than ever.
But – miserabile dictu – even Catherine was upstaged in Venice by her co-star George Clooney, who arrived to a mass of screaming girls.
However, whatever Anna knows about the importance of friendship, Catherine also knows and she was quick to tell reporters that she and her mum had dropped into George’s villa on Lake Como.
Meanwhile, back in England, Anna smiles to herself – she is now a friend of a friend of George.’
Stella Vision
‘FROM two thousand feet up the small party of coloured dots and dimples assembled outside the entrance to Mound Stuart House, Scotland, could be there as part of a fire drill.
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| As seen from space |
One other explanation is that what we see through OK!s satellite lens is the guests massing for the wedding of Stella McCartney to Alasdhair Willis.
So lets listen in.
Thanks to the space race, the war against terror and the wonder of ears, we can at least hear whats going on at ground level, even if we have no clear view.
A small man with what sounds like a clipboard is making himself heard. Right, listen up. Ill call out your name and you say if you are here or if you are not. Got it. Ok!…
Kate Moss? Yep! Liv Tyler? Yessiree! Madonna? F**k orf. Guy Richie? Duck-n-dive-bob-n-weave-luverly-jubberly-whatsinitferme-Whowantstonah?
Chris Martin? I think the war in Iraq is so unright-on… A simple yes or no, thank you, Mr Martin. Paul McCartney? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Heather McCatrtney-Mills-McCartney. That tart had best keep it shut or else Ill stick her false leg right up
So thats a yes for Heather, and a yes for the lovely bride Stella as well.
So there you are. It was indeed the 2003 annual Celebrity Fire Drill. Look out for the show of the event on Channel 4.’
Penny For Them
‘WHEN at around the mid-point of OK!s audience with Penelope Cruz, it asks, Do you ever get sick of the questions regarding your private life?, we wonder how well the interview is going.
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| Penny was keen to keep her massive right ear hidden from view |
The photographs of the exchange give little away, showing as they do Penny in various stages of whimsy.
Shes an expert in leaning on the right side of her face, putting her hands into kind of cradle and resting her head on them.
Like us you may well wonder why its always the right side and never the left. Not until she masters the Stanislavski dual lean can Penny be a true Hollywood great. Mark our words.
In the meantime shes using her head for thinking. And she needs all her brains to answer questions like: Do you feel the pressure Hollywood puts on women to maintain their looks as they get older.
No, says Penny, aged 29.
Do you consider yourself to be a spiritual person? Yes, says Penny. You spend a lot of time in America… Yes, says Penny.
Whos going to take your place in Spain now that youre a successful actress in films all over the world? Am I going to die or something? says Penny.
Not die, but if you move your hands to the left, your head could fall off.
And in answer to the first question, that one about her private life and if fielding the same questions sickens her, Penny says, No.’
Farmed Out
‘LOOK its… its… its.. (looks at page) Verity Rushworth!
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| Good luck – whoever you are |
And so it is.
The legend of Emmerdale is languishing on the front of a boat in Mallorca with her boyfriend Alex, whos gorgeous and has the interesting surname Cooke.
I didnt fancy him when he was 15, says, er, Verity, but I think hes gorgeous now. So there you have it Alex Cooke is gorgeous.
And he thinks Veronicas pretty hot too. I didnt fancy Verity when she was at school but she is a beautiful woman now.
She might well be, but shouldnt he be talking about the lovely Victoria?
They might be in love now, but this is one relationship that is surely heading for the rocks.
And its getting there on a jet ski.’
Penny Drops For Cruz
‘WITH two failed marriages behind him, Tom Cruise has apparently abandoned hope in favour of expectation and decided that he will never marry again.
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| Getting married is a risky business for Tom |
Toms two divorces from Mimi Rogers and then Nicole Kidman tore his heart out, an insider tells this weeks National Enquirer.
But the split from Nicole was by far the worst. Hes confided to close friends that he probably never will get over it.
All of which is bad news for long-term girlfriend Penelope Cruz, whose desire to become the pint sized stars pint-sized wife looks like being unfulfilled.
Penelope doesnt need to worry, a source says. Toms not a player. Hes into monogamy and hes content with their relationship.
Still, one thing seems certain: Penelope may be Toms girlfriend, but theres little hope shell ever become Mrs Tom Cruise.
No such qualms about another trip to the altar for Jennifer Lopez, who has waltzed through two marriages and is halfway down the aisle for marriage number three.
But the course of Hollywood love never does run smooth and this week the Enquirer unveils news of a new sex scandal involving fiancé Ben Affleck.
As you know, Ben was supposed to have had his stag night a couple of months early, romping with lapdancers he met in a Vancouver strip joint.
Now, a shameful video of a hunk, whos a deadringer for Ben, pleasuring himself is doing the rounds of gay Internet sites.
Of course, the pictures arent for real, but they are yet another blow just when things were getting back to normal, a source tells the Enquirer.
Insiders who have seen the video clip say that it is soon obvious that the star is not Ben Affleck his performance is said to be far too convincing.’
Knock On Wood
‘FROM one wooden actor to another and the news that Kevin Costner is also about to follow the well-trodden path to the altar.
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| Kevin was voted as having the whitest shirt at Cannes this year |
In his case, it is only for the second time of asking, which for a 48-year-old in Hollywood is almost unique.
The woman who will star opposite Kevin for what he hopes is the rest of his life is 29-year-old model and handbag designer Christine Baumgartner.
And friends tell the National Enquirer that they are sure this one will work out.
She was always sitting by the river, soaking up the sun, recalls her guidance counsellor at El Modena High School. And shes a whiz at golf and skiing.
She was also voted as having the whitest teeth of all her classmates a recipe indeed for a long and happy life together.
For her part, Christine will be hoping that her husbands second attempt at marriage is more successful than some of his recent films.
Up to now, Costners best on-screen performance was in The Big Chill, in which he was cast as a corpse before being cut from the film entirely.’
Uma’s Sex Strike
‘AS Ben and Jen and Kev and Chris come into land in the world of wedded bliss and Tom and Penny are stuck in a permanent holding pattern, another couple is preparing for take-off.
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| Almost virginal |
The National Enquirer reports the sad news that Uma Thurman and husband Ethan Hawke, who have long been considered one of the happiest duos in showbiz, are to part.
Uma is going to divorce Ethan, a source says. She will file for divorce before the end of the year. And she wants the divorce finalised as quickly as possible.
The reason for Umas ire is apparently her husbands relationship with 22-year-old Montreal model Jen Perzow.
When Uma first got wind of Ethans cheating, the source says, they talked and she decided that maybe a one-night fling could be just a mistake and they could work through it.
But when people told her that he was having an affair and was with the same girl more than once, it appeared as if it was instantly over in her mind.
But another source blames 33-year-old Uma for the break-up.
I heard that after the birth of their first child, she declined to have sex with Ethan as often as he wanted, a friend of the couple says.
Grounds for instant divorce, were sure you would all agree.’
Brace Yourself
‘HIYA! Im Nicky Byrne. You might remember me from the other week, when I married me childhood sweetheart, the lovely Georgina Ahern.
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| Nicky and Georgie always had their matching toothpicks hanging round their necks |
Since then things have moved on a furious pace. Weve consummated our love, bathed in a vat of water and lilies (see first point) and Ive had a brace fitted to me teeth.
Its not a train track or anything so ugly, or one of those things that goes over yer heed so as you cant sleep. Nah! Its just a neat, tasteful line over the old pearly whites.
Georgina just loves it and cant get enough of twanging it with her own teeth when we kiss. Wedded life just gets better and better.
You can see were having loads of fun already, splashing about in the pool of love as we honeymoon in the wonderful Seychelles.
Georgie thats me name for me girl – jokes about not leaving a wet path for her so sit in.
The first time she said it I laughed so hard me tongue got caught in me brace and Georgina had to use the crucifix round me neck to prize me jaws apart. Thats love. Thats a beautiful love.
What the future will bring can only be imagined. Georgie thinks well have lots of children and live in paradise.
I could just kiss her but the stitches on her tongue are not quite healed, so Ill leave it.
After all, why hurry we have a lifetime together…’
Will Power
‘WHEN Will Mellor was young he had a tough choice to make. Should he go into singing or should he go into acting?
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| Will The Ventriloquist |
Sense and talent suggested that he go into the job centre and take the first thing on offer. But Will plumped for a life on the stage.
So he rose to fame as the back end of Willy, the pantomime horse that has wowed the crowds throughout Bridlington.
Having conquered acting, and earned himself a rosette for Best In Panto, Will has turned his energy to song. And Hello! caught up with him as he gigged in Marbella.
The City Plumber bar was serving traditional best bitter and crisps to the lobster-pink tourists when Will took up the mike and serenaded the raucous mob.
I love to sing, says Will. And we love to hear you.
But since Marbella is over there and we are up here, well just heave to replicate the moment by dragging our nails down a blackboard, getting pissed and sitting too close to a hot oven.’
No Hope
‘KATHRYN Crosby has a wonderful mane of hair tumbling down her back. Scraped back from her line-free forehead, the widow of Bing Crosby looks months younger than her 137 years.
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| ‘Hey, is that me toothpick you’ve got round your neck?’ |
However, a second glance shows that the tresses are just unruly eyebrows, pulled back from her eyes and tied into a neat bow behind her head.
She’s putting on a confident face, a funny face, a happy face, a sorry face, a grim face, a depressed face, a sunny face, a face that has only one expression whatever the mood or time.
But inside she’s hurting, as are we all who attended the memorial mass for the legendary entertainer Bob Hope.
Also there to say farewell to a Hollywood great were Raquel Welch, Mickey Rooney (yes, he IS still alive), Bob’s widow Delores, Brooke Shields and Nancy Reagan.
And among the notables was Angela Lansbury, star of Murder She Wrote and the best sleuth in the business. Does she suspect that Bob was killed by foul means?
Whatever the diagnosis, Kathyrn is putting on a brave face. Or is it just Bob’s old one..?’
