Reviews Category
We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.
So Solod Crew
‘XENIA Gorbachev has much to thank her dear old grandfather Mikhail for.
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| ‘And then this pigeon…’ |
If it weren’t for him, her wedding to Kirill Solod would have been a date with pickled herring (both kinds), vodka that guarantees to get guests blind, drunk or blind-drunk and as much salt as you can eat.
But Russia is not what it once was and the wedding celebrations included the trappings that have made the West the decadent place it is today.
There was a ‘towing wedding cake’, fresh berries (canned 2001!), and other delicious treats served up by ‘the most exclusive catering service in Moscow’.
It had it all.
All that’s left to do is to wish the happy couple the very best of what the free market and capitalism have to offer – namely, a speedy divorce and a chance to sell their stories of what went wrong for a shed-load of money.
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Mumba One
‘FAME is a cruel mistress. How was Samantha Mumba to know that after meeting and talking about marriage and kids with boyfriend Mark Henderson (known later in the piece as Mark O’Connor) she would make it big?
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| ‘Anyone remember my boyfriend’s name?’ |
Samantha is seen on her ‘homecoming’ trip to Zambia in her role as ambassador for UINICEF. She poses with the locals in her father’s homeland, getting them to look so happy that they might just burst.
But it is the shot of she with Mark that really raises an eyebrow.
To be blunt, Mark is normal. Not normal in a refreshing way, but normal in a way that says: ‘What’s she doing with him?’
Is this cruel? You betcha, but this is fame and it is hurtful, painful stuff.
As for Mark, we only hope he takes care not to get eaten alive in the game reserve he is pictured visiting – or in the Hollywood Hills, where the plain and ordinary are sucked up and spat out like so much dust…
‘
And Baby Makes Two
‘CELEBRITY decoding No.43: ‘My baby always comes first.’
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| Like father, like daughter-in-law |
This has one of three meanings. It either means ‘My career’s on the skids and I’m stuck at home with nothing better to do’ or ‘I can’t get a man for love or money.’ Or, of course, both.
This week, we can look at two examples, courtesy of OK! magazine.
The first comes from Emma Noble, one-time model, one-time actress and one-time wife of James Major (son of one-time Prime Minister John Major).
‘I want to be a success, but my little boy will always come first,’ she is quoted as saying.
Not a particularly hard job for three-year-old Harrison at the moment, however.
Mum’s out of work after the show she was in, Crossroads, was axed, and Mum’s clean out of a husband after her four-year marriage came a cropper.
But Mum’s not ‘a fuss-and-nonsense person’.
‘I’m a terrible worrier, but then when it’s all over, I forget,’ she says. ‘I wouldn’t say nothing touches me because it clearly does, but things move on. There’s no point in looking back.’
There may be no point, but that’s not going to stop OK!, which is more than happy to pick over the bones of Emma’s marriage and remind her of some of the things she has said in the past.
Such as ‘We both believe marriage is for ever and I couldn’t bear it if we split up’ and ‘Infidelity would not be forgivable in my relationship’…
The second example is provided by another former soap star, Tina Hobley, who ‘reveals why no man can compete with the love of her life – her beautiful daughter Isabella’.
Again, this may have something to do with the fact that she also separated from her husband Steve Wallington – also after four years of marriage – a few months ago.
Tina is at least currently working – the former Coronation Street barmaid has been to nursing college and is now helping out on the wards of Holby General.
But it is only to provide for her daughter. ‘She’s the most important person in my life – nothing else matters,’ she says.
Yes, nothing else matters when there is nothing else…
‘
Lancaster Bombs
‘WHEN Penny Lancaster gave up modelling, she became Rod Stewart’s girlfriend. And a photographer.
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| Penny and her assistant |
As the former, she has done an excellent job. Mind you, as the only qualifications are being blonde and leggy and as Penny’s a leggy blonde, it wasn’t a difficult task.
But she doesn’t seem to have got the hang of this photography malarkey yet.
Penny’s problem is that she keeps taking off her clothes and appearing on the other side of the camera – as indeed she does in this week’s OK! magazine.
The 31-year-old is apparently the new face and body of Ultimo lingerie – and is more than happy to give readers a preview of the Spring/Summer collection.
Not only that, but she sits and talks about ‘the terrifying ordeal that made her give up modelling in her twenties, her run-ins with the paparazzi and her famous cleavage…’
Exactly what this terrifying ordeal was we are at a loss to explain, but it might have had something to do with seeing Rod first thing in the morning before he had put his make-up on.
All Penny will say is: ‘I knew I couldn’t model forever, so I looked for another career and that is photography.’
And as soon as she works out which side of the camera is which, we’re sure she will be a great success.
‘
Bit Of An I Do
”WHEN you’re young, gorgeous, successful and in love, what better way is there to seal your devotion to one another than to organise a glamorous, star-studded wedding?’
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| The soon to be former Mrs Murphy |
A fair question from OK! – and one to which a whole host of celebrities answer, in lemming-like fashion, ‘I do’.
But when you’re slightly less young, slightly less gorgeous, slightly less successful and very definitely no longer in love, what better to do than to organise an expensive and acrimonious divorce?
Heading for the divorce courts by way of a church this summer are, according to OK!, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, Davinia Taylor and Dave Gardner, Shane Filan and Gillian Walsh, Nicky Byrne and Georgina Ahern, Natalie Imbruglia and Daniel Johns, Nicole Appleton and Liam Gallagher, Stella McCartney and Alasdhair Willis and Joanna Taylor (who, we are sad to say, is still on holiday) and Danny Murphy.
If any of the above are having last-minute jitters, they could do worse than leaf through this week’s magazine, where they will soon discover that marriage is very definitely not for life.
Just ask Emma Noble or Tina Hobley. Or Tracy Shaw. Or Angelina Jolie. Or Michael Douglas. Or Rod Stewart. Or Liam Gallagher…
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A Dog’s Life
‘BY our reckoning, Jennifer Lopez has at least two wedding dresses hanging up in one of her many walk-in wardrobes.
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| She’ll be all white on the night |
But that’s not enough for the big-bottomed diva, who has apparently splashed out $100,000 on a new gown for her upcoming nuptials.
The National Enquirer publishes an artist’s impression of the ‘dreamy’ dress – the creation of French designer Azzedine Alaia.
And judging by the picture, there will only be one star of the wedding – J-Lo’s bum.
‘Alaia’s one-of-a-kind wedding creations are designed to flatter the part of the female form that he values most,’ says the magazine.
‘And that’s the bottom line for the derriere-blessed diva.’
Little wonder that a fashion insider says the pairing of the Latin singer and the Tunisian-born designer is ‘a match made in heaven’.
Can the same be said, however, for the match between J-Lo and her fiance Ben Affleck?
According to the Enquirer, the 30-year-old Affleck is sick of being treated like a dog by his wife-to-be.
A close friend of the couple revealed that Ben sat Jennifer down and told her: ‘I am your lover, not your pet.”
Friends say that Affleck was upset at being made to sell his Los Angeles bachelor pad, being told what to wear and how to do his hair and having to make appointments to see his fiancée via her PA.
‘After much shouting, crying and arguing they finally made peace,’ the magazine says.
Ben gave Jennifer a diamond necklace; Jennifer gave Ben a stroke on the head and a Boneo.
‘
Flood Warning
‘WE’LL all be talking about Jennifer Lopez’s wedding dress for a long time to come, says someone has seen it – which means we’ll probably still be discussing it at her fourth wedding.
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| Staci denies copying Britney |
We’ll probably also still be wondering then whether the on-off relationship between Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears is on or off.
We are none the wiser this week after reading the Enquirer’s report that the former NSYNC star has been dating one of Britney’s friends.
The magazine says Justin and Britney got back together in March – but ‘he just neglected to tell her he was also rocking Staci Flood’s body, too’.
‘Staci has been seeing Justin for months,’ says a source close to Flood. ‘They don’t go out on public dates because she’s not Justin’s girlfriend – she’s his booty call.
‘She’s willing to go along with it. She’s crazy about Justin and she’s sure it’s just a matter of time before she wins him over completely.’
Of course, it is – just as it is only a matter of time before Madonna wins a Best Actress Oscar.
‘She says Justin’s as sexy in bed as he is on the dance floor,’ a pal says.
In other words, a pale (or should that be darker?) imitation of Michael Jackson.
‘
Elvis Lives
‘THERE is sensation aplenty in Hello!ville as it is reported on the magazine’s front page that Elvis is alive.
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| ‘Daddy’s shadow is awful big…’ |
To give full throat to the magazine’s headline story, the joyous news reads: ‘Lisa Marie Presley steps out of her father’s shadow.’
To cast a shadow, we can deduce that The Pelvis is a) alive; b) a ghost; or c) lying in state in Lisa’s front room, picked in burger fat and cheese slices.
Whichever it is, given the girth of the singer when he ‘died’ all those years ago, Lisa Marie has done well to battle free of his mighty shadow.
And now breathing the rich oxygen of publicity, Lisa Marie wants to sign about it. And you can hear her do just that on her debut album, To Whom It may Concern.
‘You want to know who I am and what I am,’ says the scion of the Presley clan. ‘It’s in here.’ One imagines she taps the case of her CD as she says this.
‘This is how either crazy I am, deranged or stupid or whatever you want to call it.’ Whatever you call it, do not call it music or talent.
Although the duet with an unnamed man with a familiar voice is a pleasant enough tune
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Livin’ Doll
‘HE’S got himself a cryin’, talkin’, sleepin’, walkin’, livin’ doll. He’s gotta do his best to please her, just cos she’s a livin’ doll.
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| ”I’ll never lay my hands on another woman again” |
He’s got a rovin’ eye and that is why she satisfies his soul. He’s got the one and only walkin’, talkin’, livin’ doll.
Take a look at her hair, it’s almost real, highlighted to blonde perfection, to match, er, his.
But he doesn’t have to lock her up a trunk so no big hunk can steal her away, because he’s Darren Day and she’s Adele Vellacott…and they are in love.
She makes Darren feel like a man, and the day he met Adele he knew he was the winner. ”We should be together,” said Darren in not so many words, and she agreed.
And looking at the two of them cuddled up close in the garden, on the sofa, on the bed, on the steps, on a pile of wood, by a window, back on the bed, by a pile of wood and by a wooden door, it is clear that some people are born for each other.
They love to walk holding the other one’s hand. They always understand. She knows that although he missed her nights, and she missed him day, he would return from his televised Australian adventure to be once more her little bitty pretty one.
”You’re my love,” says he with his eyes. ”You’re my angel. You’re the girl of my dreams. And I’d like to thank you for waiting patiently.”
Nice, and totally original. But let’s not intrude a moment longer, and simply say congratulations and celebrations to the bachelor boy, a misunderstood man, and his devilish woman, for whom life is one long Cliff Richard song.
‘
The Fat Of The Land
‘IT’S a little known fact that in Australia all the best pineapples and lemons are exported, leaving the locals to feast on a misshapen mush of unappealing failures while we happy foreigners dine on perfection.
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| Jono tried in vain to shift 8st of unwanted flesh |
And as it is for fruit so it is for celebrities, and while Paul Hogan and Mad Chopper Matthews and his Performing Deckchair wow them in Sydney, we lucky Brits get Holly Vallance and Jono Coleman.
But since Holly’s mother was born in Southampton, we are only getting back what is rightfully ours. So when Holly says ”I do feel like England is my home now”, we know she means it.
Which just leaves Jono Coleman to fly the flag for the brothers and sisters Down Under. And if Jono uses his T-short we might all be covered in an infectious swathe of blue – because Jono is a huge star in the mould Vanessa Feltz.
Jono is fat. So fat is he that he is now famous for being fat. And that means he gets to go to ”Celebrity Fit Club” (some typo surely) and get in shape with the likes of Coleen Nolan, Ian McCaskill, Rik Waller and MP Ann Widdecombe (a sure portent that the end of the world is nigh).
Lining up shortest at the front, tallest at the back, the gang resemble a set of Russian dolls, each one capable of being swallowed whole by the one behind.
But on the command ”split”, the group get in formation. Jono goes wild and puts his hands on his hips, breathes in and out.
The rest just look on in awe, happy to be in the same shot as what is truly an immense talent.
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Rock The Kass Bah
‘HANDS up all of you who went to the Elvis Does Vegas party at the Kass Bah? So that’s everyone.
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| ”Know who I am yet? |
But since you all went in costume it is hard to see who is under all that makeup and strap-on hair.
At a push, we’d say that the painted boiled egg over there is Tamara Beckwith.
And unless we are very much mistaken (and, boy, are we never make mishtakes), that’s Kelly McGiness, head of production at Fox, although it could be Elizabeth Turner, who temps at Sky? Hmmm, they do look sooo alike.
And hello dear, dear Slim Jim Phantom and if it isn’t our old mate Peter Golding.
And, wotcha, Barbara Machen, looking wonderful as ever. You must agree that that is one girl who knows she got style.
And who’s that fat lad at the back, the one eating all the cheeseburgers and saying how he used to be famous?
Of course, it’s Jono Coleman. Great. And if you want to know who else was there, look in the phone book under Z.
‘
The Sting
‘HOW do you say ”I love you”? If you’re a hip and with it young thing, you say it in a text message: ”I LV U.”
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| ”Ooooh! My ring!” |
If you’ve just had a Botox injection, you will have enrolled on the post-theatre sign language course and be able to point to yourself, then your heart before finally opening your hands palms up to the world.
And if you’re a Hollywood star you buy the object of your admiration a rock the size of Gibraltar.
That’s what Antonio Banderas did to show his affection for Melanie Griffith. But it ended in high drama when the ”gum-drop”-sized gem in her ring came unstuck from its setting.
”OHMIGOD,” screamed Melanie as she realised that the stone had gone, leaving behind the superglue and foil casing.
Melanie’s cry of anguish was heard by Sting, who stopped the concert he was giving, ordered the lights to go on and began a mass hunt for the gem.
”Finders keepers, losers weepers,” sang Sting to the tune to Don’t Stand So Close To Me as the on-stage troupe and guests at the concert in Cannes went hunting.
But the ring was gone. And so soon was Melanie, in floods of tears.
Meanwhile back in the hall, the lighters that light up the life of all gigs for the middle-aged music brigade were still switched on. And Sting played on.
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Diamonds Are Forever
‘BUT the Enquirer has news to gladden Melanie’s heart as it unveils a seven stone diamond and gold eternity ring.
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| It says it all |
This ring really is for keeps, and who wouldn’t want to stare in awe at the amazing jewel-like stones until cataracts turn the thing into a blur of yellow metal and glass.
And the even better news is that the ring is now on special offer, slashed in price to a remarkable £199.50, or £39.90 a month for resting actors.
Gorgeous is not a word we use lightly, so we won’t use it now. But rather we’ll wait until she buys something for him. And as if my magic, there it is: the gentleman’s platinum ingot watch.
Imagine an entire ingot of precious metal strapped to your wrist that not only builds the muscles in your forearms to a Van Damme-esque 17 inches in the round but also tells the time accurately at least twice EVERY day.
And you’d best hurry because this offer only lasts until 20th October, 2000, which in the romantic world of Hollywood is two engagements, three marriages and a pregnancy away.
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Maid For Pleasure
‘BUT what if your love knows no price? Well, then you look for other ways to show your love for your other half.
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| Cooks, cleans, irons. Maid’s uniform optional. $5/hr |
You could do what Mike Myers did and wipe your computer’s hard drive of the mountains of porn that seem to have infected it.
”I’ve been spammed,” said Myers by way of defence as wife Robin breezed into his computer den.
But if erasing your valued collection of adult erotica is not for you, how about inviting your paramour into your perverted world?
Kinky sex is best when it’s backed with love, and it’s working for J-Lo and her current man tied to the bed with a nappy on his head, Ben Affleck.
Reports in the Enquirer say that J-Lo and Ben like nothing more than playing maid-and-master sex games.
Which role goes to whom is not revealed, but rumours abound that to get in part, Ben has been hiring himself out as a $5-an-hour cleaner.
Those lucky enough to hire kinky Ben are advised to make him use his own rubber gloves and keep him well away from the Hoover. And if you don’t, on your head be it.
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Tara Gets It Off Her Chest
‘RANK the following three objects in order of usefulness: 1) A chocolate tea-pot; 2) An ashtray on a motorbike; 3) Tara Palmer-Tomkinson’s bikini top.
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| ”See – nothing!” |
A pat on the back for all those who came up with the right answer 1-2-3, except of course those of you who are doing this test under the Oxford & Cambridge Board supervision – it doesn’t matter what you put, you’re still wrong.
This week, Hello! has plenty of pictures of the world’s most redundant object being modelled by the world’ second most redundant object, as Tara opens up her heart to Hello! and cashes in on the short-lived fame following her appearance on I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!
Surely, one thinks, the girl who put the I into ‘It girl’ would be only too keen to forget the tears and the tantrums in the Aussie jungle.
Far from it – she rates coming second in the TV gameshow as ”the first time in my life I’ve ever felt proud of something I’ve done”.
”My sister was head of school,” she explains, ”my brother got straight As [in the days when straight As still meant something], while I was blackboard wiper and then the black sheep.”
No longer – as the other P-Ts carve out successful careers and fulfilled lives for themselves, how they must glance enviously over at their sister and recall that it was her, not them, who came second in I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!
But what of Darren Day, the man who accused Tara of sexually harassing him?
”If he called me tomorrow and suggested we meet up, I would decline,” says our strong-willed heroine. ”I could never be friends with someone who has lied to me. If he’d won, I’d have lost faith in the entire British public.” Us too, Tara. Us too.
However, Tara’s lowest ebb came when Nigel Benn was voted off the show.
”I felt like someone with broken legs who’s had their crutches taken away,” she reveals. ”I got into my sleeping bag and just cried and cried. I felt like a lemon with all the zest squeezed out of me.”
But judging from the spread in this week’s Hello!, we are happy to report that Tara is back to her zesty best.
So, how did Tara get through the terrible ordeal? By ”praying every night in the privacy of the camp’s makeshift lavatory”.
God may move in mysterious ways, but Tara, it appears, is as regular as clockwork.
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Would You Adam ‘N’ Eve It?
‘WHO’S that giving Hello! a revealing interview ”about marriage, compromises and the dramas of shooting their film”?
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| ”Lawks, me Brad Pitts are spillin’ out” |
Why, if it isn’t Guy Ritchie and his trouble and strife, Madonna.
Cor blimey, guv’nor, it looks like they’ve been avin’ a Leo Sayer in the battle cruiser. Madonna’s so Schindler’s, she can’t even Hackney Grand – what a two ‘n’ eight, innit.
So what’s the Jackanory? Turns out Guy’s been watchin’ the old ball ‘n’ chain avin’ a Melvyn Bragg with some uvver geezer. But only dahn the dolly mixtures. Lor luv’a duck!
Wot’s that? Guy’s in the Christopher Hitchen, sortin’ out some Bernhard Langers for the bin lids. Turns out he’s a bit nifty with the old Count Dracula.
Wot a Charlie Ronce, innit!
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Trude Awakening
‘TO paraphrase Leo Tolstoy: All cute babies are alike; all ugly babies are ugly in their own way.
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| Dad |
And they don’t come much uglier than the little bundle of joy that ”celebrity vet” Trude Mostue and fiancé Howard Thomas have produced.
To be fair to Trude, it is not entirely her fault – but let this be a lesson to all you women out there. If you are going to have a baby with a bald bloke, check his baby photos for the dreaded ginger first.
Trude didn’t – and look at little Froya Molly now. Even Hello! cannot manage a ”cute”, still less a ”beautiful”, about the two-month-old.
But we’re sure she will grow up to be a fine, upstanding member of the community and stick her arms up cow’s arses just like her mum.
‘
Who would have Gest it?
‘WHEN Liza Minelli walked down the aisle with 113th husband David Gest in March, she looked (in the estimation of no lesser authority than the National Enquirer) ”radiant”. And the magazine has a picture of the diva with her mouth closed to prove it.
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| The cracks were beginning to show as long ago as March |
But such has been her gruelling schedule since her nuptials that photographs show a completely different Liza. The first thing to strike you is that Liza now has her mouth open – a clear sign that the strain is taking its toll.
The second thing that is apparent is the legend ”…and the strain is taking its toll” – also recognised as an early sign of stress.
The third thing that keen-eyed observers will notice – and this is the clincher – is the caption. Where Liza had been radiant as recently as July, she is now stressed-out – and that can only mean that she is already fighting to save her six-month marriage.
The Enquirer puts on its poshest frock and books the table next door to Liza at a New York restaurant to eavesdrop on her conversation with one of her husband’s friends.
What followed can only be described as a bitter ”spat” which ended with Liza leaving in tears and with her mouth well and truly open.
But amazingly (and despite this public row between Liza and an unnamed person) friends suggest the marriage can be rescued.
”There was a kiss and make up scene between Liza and David that very night,” a friend says, although without specifying which one was doing the kissing and which one was wearing the make-up.
”All David has to do to keep Liza happy is cut her a break and stop running her like a racehorse.” It sounds so simple…
‘
Green-Eyed Monster
‘IF only it were that easy for Brad Pitt to keep Jennifer Aniston happy. The Enquirer reports on the ”cheating secret” that is wrecking the Hollywood golden couple’s wedding.
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| Brad took to wearing a false beard to escape his wife |
Not ”secret cheating” you notice, but ”cheating secret” – and the secret is that Jenneifer doesn’t want her husband to cheat on her.
At one point, she went as far as declaring: ”I’m frightened of infidelity.”
Little wonder, therefore, that Brad has just about had enough of all this nagging.
On one occasion, his wife even flew to a movie set where he was filming, so consuming is her fear.
She has been known to hold his hand in public and sometimes even link arms to prevent him from running off with the first woman he meets.
When they are at home together, Jennifer insists on sleeping in the same bed as her husband so she can check up on him throughout the night.
A source close to the couple tells the Enquirer: ”Everyone can see that Brad adores Jennifer – everyone but her. Having to constantly reassure Jennifer is starting to annoy him.” We don’t blame him.
‘
Not Hugh Again
‘WE are sad to report that Hugh Grant is up to his old tricks again, creating further work for the law enforcement establishment on the other side of the Atlantic.
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| Crime has become something of a way of life for Grant |
Grant, you may recall, was arrested in Los Angeles in 1995 after being found in a car with prostitute, Divine Brown.
Well, the star of Four Weddings And A Funeral and Notting Hill is a one-man crime wave, although on this occasion he is running amok on the East Coast.
The Enquirer snaps Grant sauntering down a New York street with what looks suspiciously like a half-drunk bottle of Heineken in his left hand.
It is, of course, illegal to drink alcohol on the streets of the Big Apple.
Let’s hope the cops throw the book at him this time.
‘
Star Quality
‘WHEN ”The Star” (aka Jade Goody, former Big Brother nutcase) visited Chessington World of Adventures recently, OK! magazine was on hand to record the event for posterity – or prosperity as The Star would no doubt put it.
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| Davina is bowled over by The Star |
And prosperity would be an apt word to use in conjunction with The Star, for OK! says that since she left the Big Brother house, the money has been rolling in.
Meanwhile, the other sort of pounds have been rolling off, as befits a modern celebrity.
”The Star has said she’s made a concerted effort to shed a few pounds,” says the magazine approvingly, and notes that she eschewed the fast food on offer at the fairground.
”Instead she bought a toy caterpillar,” the article explains, although it does not indicate whether this was for personal consumption.
There will be speculation of course, but that’s just par for the course for The Star, who is used to having her life picked to pieces by the press.
She’ll take it in her stride, for, as OK! explains, she’s coped with her fame ”with restraint and maturity so far”. We expect nothing less of her.
‘
Marks And Spencer’s Pants
‘ANORAK has no axe to grind with Marks and Spencer. Since the launch of our Comfi-Slax range of elasticated trousers for the fuller figure, we have had to endure a constant stream of carping and criticism from the troubled high street retailer, but we have never once felt the need to respond.
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| Proud to endorse Anorak’s Comfi-Slax range |
We prefer to let our product do the talking – and judging by our sales figures, the public certainly seems to be listening.
Now our would-be rivals are resorting to desperate measures, and have brought in David Beckham to front their latest desperate attempt to make an impression on the men’s clothing market.
OK! is doing its bit, with a helpful two-page feature on the launch of Beckham’s DB07 range of cardigans, slippers and – yes, you guessed – adjustable leisure slacks.
”I wanted to create clothes that are different from what you normally expect to see at the store,” explains David, whose role is described as ”hands-on”.
We wish him well of course, and remind readers once again that our new range of gabardine winter wear – as approved by Manchester United ace Sir Bobby Charlton – is available now at very reasonable prices.
‘
Too Much Information
‘HAVE you ever wondered whether Linda Barker is a bath or a shower person? Of course you have. And now, here’s OK! to provide the eagerly awaited answer.
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| Linda wonders what shade of eyeliner to put on |
”Are you a bath or shower person?” it asks, bold as brass. And the ”beautiful ‘House Invaders’ star” doesn’t duck the question.
”I usually opt for a shower because of the time factor,” she replies, ”but when I can I love to take a long bath with scented oils and candles.
”My bathroom is pretty fabulous – I’ve got a huge oval bath, bang in the middle of the room, with Jacuzzi jets, and, once you’re in it, you don’t want to come out again.”
There’s more, but we must press on. ”Do you spend time on your nails?” asks the magazine, with a hint of implied criticism.
”I wish!” retorts Linda. ”They’re shocking, but it’s impossible to keep them looking nice when I’m working with hammers, nail guns, and jigsaws, which are all terrible for the nails.”
But elsewhere the report is more favourable. She ”likes being tall” and finds that her visits to Charles Worthington’s hair salon in Percy Street are ”a real pleasure”.
She has ”no problem” with plastic surgery either – ”if you feel you need it”, that is. Not that she does, of course.
”I’m more aware of my lines than I used to be,” she admits, ”but they don’t bother me at the moment.”
Nor should her legions of admirers be too concerned either, for she reassures us that if it gets to the point where the wrinkles do become a problem, then she ”might do something about it”.
Comforting words, we’re sure you will agree.
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Old Friends
‘DON’T know about you, but we find ourselves getting more and more concerned by what we find in Hello! these days.
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| On a clear day you can see the refugees getting off the boat |
Frankly we’ve never heard of half of them, and when one asks them who their people are, they give you the name of an agent or a PR girl. So it’s good to see some familiar faces this week.
Look, there’s John and Anthea Warde, revealing ”the truth behind their charmed life at Squerryes Court”, Kent. This should be interesting.
”I suppose sometimes visitors see me sitting here and imagine that I lead some sort of charmed life,” muses Anthea, ”but the reality – as with all these privately-owned and lived-in family seats – is somewhat different.” How true.
Indeed, it transpires that she tackles most of the domestic duties herself, with the assistance of a gardener and a part-time help, who is of course ”marvellous”.
We are then taken on a tour of the house in all its splendours, the highpoint of which is the Picture Gallery with its masterpieces by Rubens and Van Dyck, and what looks like a Tracey Emin creation, but which turns out to be a pile of laundry that Anthea hasn’t yet got around to.
”Only the distant rumble of traffic on the M25 is a constant reminder that Westerham is no longer the quiet backwater that it once was.”
That, and the sound of gunshots as the drug dealers, gangsters and refugee-smugglers of this historic county go about their traditional way of life.
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Bums On Seats
‘WELL, Hello! It’s our old friends Edward and Sophie Wessex, caught on camera (by the paparazzi, not CCTV) as the ”celebrate religious diversity at the Jain Temple in Leicester”.
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| Massive crowds await the arrival of Edward and Sophie |
In a week that Hello! is careful to remind us was ”packed with royal appointments”, the royal couple travelled specially to Leicester in order to visit the religion’s only fully consecrated church in Europe.
By ”a happy coincidence” the visit took place on the first day of the Jain Festival of Forgiveness.
And, although Edward and Sophie obviously don’t need to be forgiven for anything, it was indeed a happy coincidence, because their arrival brought huge crowds of people to the temple, and thus helped swell the numbers for what Hello! describes as ”the holiest of times in the religion’s calendar”.
It’s the same effect we have seen time and again at cup finals and other sporting events. Get yourself a royal and you’ve got yourself a crowd. And they do it all gratis, without a thought for themselves.
God bless ’em. They do a marvellous job.
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