Reviews Category
We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.
Falling Idol
‘HOW cool is Simon Cowell? Answer: as cool as an angry man eating a raw chilli on the face of the sun.
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| Smooth as a badger’s bum |
But Cowell does know how to use his newfound fame, and the Enquirer says that star of American Idol has been trying get a date.
Giving a rare insight into Cowell’s social life, the magazine says that he’s currently trying to pull Tabitha Stevens, star of XXX hard-core porno films.
In one call taped on Tabitha’s voice-mail, which Tabitha sensitively played to the world on the Howard Stern Show, TV’s Mr Nasty is heard turning on his oily charm.
”Hi, sweetheart – it’s Simon again. How are you? Um, sorry I couldn’t talk earlier on. Um, I’m around. Give me a call back. You’ve got my number.”
As have we all Simon. As have we all…
‘
Ever So ‘Umble
‘SHAUN Williamson, known to millions as fat loser Barry on EastEnders, used to be a regular on Channel 5’s karaoke show, Night Train.
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| At least Shaun’s still got his looks |
(Other regulars included Suggs, Will Mellor and a monkey.)
Our Shaun fancies himself as a bit of a singer and can’t resist any opportunity to belt out a tune, even on a show whose audience was measured in fractions.
That is just one of the reasons why Shaun is philosophical about the future, now he is no longer with EastEnders.
”I’m just lucky that I’m a singer and stand-up comedian and after-dinner speaker,” he says, ”so I’m confident I’ll always be able to pay my mortgage.”
But it’s not just Shaun’s many talents that will keep him going in the months and years to come, it is his immense ability for self-deception.
After telling us that he is ”very humble” and is just a normal bloke ”who walks his dogs across the field and puts his kids to bed”, EastEnders’ very own Uriah Heap tells of his plans for the future.
”Years ago, before I became an actor, a friend of my mum’s went to a fortune teller who told her,, ‘You have a friend called Irene’ – that’s my mum – ‘and she has a son called Shaun, and he’s going to be very famous one day,” he explains.
”When I got EastEnders in 1994, I realised that this might be it. And then I thought ‘Hold on, I hope this isn’t just it. I hope I’m not just remembered for being a soap actor’.”
Don’t worry on that account, Shaun. The chances are that you won’t be remembered at all…
‘
Supermum And Superbaby
‘WHERE did Elle McPherson get the name of her second son from – a scrabble dictionary?
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| Heaving a Cy |
Cy might be worth only seven points in the normal course of events, but could prove invaluable at using up a stray ‘y’ and taking advantage of a double word score.
Not that Elle has got time for scrabble – she’s too busy being a supermother (looking after Cy and Flynn), a superwife (looking after partner Arki) and a supermodel.
And anyway, Cy is not just Cy. He is Aurelius Cy Andrea.
”Aurelius is after the wonderful Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius,” she says (which doesn’t really explain why they didn’t opt for Marcus).
”I think it’s a very strong name. Cy is after the artist Cy Twombly, whose paintings I love, and Andrea is a family name of Arki’s side.”
And also a girl’s name, but we’ll let that pass and ask about whether Elle sees herself as a supermum.
”I’m just a mother. I think that’s the best you can be – you don’t have to be a supermother,” she says.
”Anyway, all mothers are superstars because we have so much on our plate: raising children, running a household, being a wife. For me, I’m simply a mother, which is in itself a big job.”
But one that is made easier with the help of a supernanny, a supercook, a supergardener…
‘
V Is For Victoria
‘LET’S hear it for Lady Victoria Hervey. No, we meant cheers for everyone’s favourite overexposed aristocrat, not boos…
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| Gratuitous photo of Daniela Hantuchova No.241 |
For here is Lady V in her obligatory see-through dress bringing some much-needed class and glamour to the World Sports Awards in Monaco.
Other great sporting luminaries who turned up included Rod Stewart’s girlfriend Penny Lancaster and his ex-wife Rachel Hunter (both keen equestrians), Kylie Minogue (an Olympic gymnast) and her fella Olivier Martinez (a keen amateur darts player).
A couple of less well-known sports stars, like Lance Armstrong, the Williams sisters and Ronaldo, were also invited, so there was someone to hand over the prizes to.
And, in the absence of Anna Kournikova, it was left to Daniela Hantuchova to represent the more glamorous side of woman’s tennis.
And to give us a cheap opportunity to publish her picture a full month before the start of Wimbledon.
‘
Gest Of Honour
‘SINCE the majority of David Gest is 50 years of age, the man seemingly made of wax threw a party for all his friends.
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| ”I’m a great fan of David, er, Whatsisname” |
And when Michael Jackson and Bubbles couldn’t make it – prior engagements and all – he let in the fist 400 hundred people who wanted as much publicity as they could eat and drink.
And OK! was in the vicinity and came along, watching as the likes of David’s dear and special friends Jessie Wallace, So Solid Crew singer Lisa Maffia and Jessica Taylor from Liberty X sashayed though the door of the Dorchester hotel on London’s Park Lane and made a beeline for the spot marked ”photo opportunity”.
In the dash to get their picture taken the likes of Blue’s Duncan James and Lee Ryan might have wondered who the odd looking chap with the dark glasses on was.
And we can tell them that his name is David Gest, and that’s his fizzy white wine and fish paste you’re pouring down your neck.
Now acquainted with the host, the guests were gushing in their praise for him.
”I’m really enjoying myself chatting to all the people here and I just love Liza Minelli,” says EastEnders’ actress Jessie Wallace.
Of course what she means to say is that she loves Liza and David both. After all, this is his party.
”I think Liza is amazing. She is an icon and I can’t believe I’ve been invited to the party,” says Jessica Taylor when asked to comment on David.
But before we can press her on how sexy David is, Claire Sweeney has pooped up.
”I’m a genuine Liza Minelli fan,” says Claire, ”and to be invited to her party is probably a dream come true. I’ve stood in the freezing cold in New York to get her autograph so to be here is a real honour.”
And then by way of human interest: ”I took my mum to see her in Victor Victoria – I’m just a massive fan.”
Of course Claire is wrong and it is not ”her” party, it is ”his” party, the birthday bash of David Gest, the man who could be a lifelike exhibit at Madame Tussaud’s – if only anyone knew who he was.
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A Right Tit
‘IT’S rude to leave a party without thanking the host, and his wife, and OK! invites us to dally a while longer and share a few pleasantries with David and Liz.
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| Invited Gests |
Cutting to the chase, the magazine asks how David feels about making it to 50.
”I never think about things in terms of age,” says David – a strange comment for man who has just had party to commemorate half a century of living.
”We have friends in every age group. There are people like Mary J Blige, Michael Jackson, Monica, Mya, Anastasia, Martine McCutcheon, Usher and Jane Russell.” And Claire Sweeney.
Having established his ‘people person’ credentials, David is free to talk about the friend who matters most, his lover Liza. The woman he must protect.
”If anybody tried to hurt Liza, I would kill them,” says David. ”I feel that strongly about her.”
And how safe she must feel knowing that David is there to shield her from the unwelcome attentions of weirdos and oddballs.
”The fact is I love the woman and I cannot go to sleep each night unless I am laying on her left breast,” he says.
”I still love her right breast, but her left breast is home and the comfort zone.”
He then asks: ”Who’d want to give that up?” Certainly not Liza, or any other woman in her right mind.
‘
We’ve Always Got Paris
‘AS if you needed any more reminding, rich people are better looking than you – the poor.
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| The T-shirt says, ‘I LOVE PARIS’ |
In fact, they are better at everything, even at being poor, if only they were given the chance.
And the pin-up of the rich and ”aren’t I beautiful” is Paris Hilton, the one who is rapidly becoming the apple of OK!’s eye.
”Paris Hilton is everything a young woman could want to be,” we hear.
We are then reminded how Paris and her sister Nicky are ”heiresses to the Hilton hotel chain”, how Paris is an ”up-and-coming actress”, ”recording her first album” and ”finds time to do a bit of modelling”.
It truly is amazing that one fabulously wealthy woman can have so many fabulous careers. Why then is she, as the magazine that knows reminds us, ”ridiculed for being nothing but an airhead with a trust fund”?
How unfair is that? Especially since above all her many talents she is ”just a normal hard-working girl with normal dreams”.
”People don’t really say anything to me specifically,” says Paris. ”They might talk behind my back but they’re scared I might find out because they know they’ll be sorry.”
Since we are not told how these backbiters will be made to feel sorry, we are prepared to go where OK! dares not to tread and invite Paris to bring it on with a full frontal bite.
We think you are untalented and trading on your name.
Oh-oh! Paris has heard us. ”I feel like I’ve been working really hard and I’m not trying to live off my name at all.” Okay, Paris. Please, have mercy. We’re sorr…
”I’m recording an album.” Ahhh! ”I’m acting in movies…” Noooooo! ”…and I’ve done it all on my own.”
Please no more. We are sooo sorry. Just promise us you won’t mention children… ”I’d like to have kids but I also want to act and sing.” Ouch!
And why not combine the two, Paris. Ah-one, ah-two, ah-one-two-three-four – ”The wheels on the limo go round and round…”
‘
And Now We Are One
‘CAN Julia Roberts make it to her first wedding anniversary with a husband in tact?
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| A bike and, er, another one |
That’s the big question as the Pretty Woman star approaches the 11-month mark with current beau Danny Moder.
But the signs aren’t looking good, with the National Enquirer having this week to report that the couple’s marriage is in crisis.
It says the 35-year-old Roberts is preparing to turn her back on Hollywood to try to save the relationship – but it may be too late.
Moder apparently told his wife ”It’s over” after one of their frequent rows – and he’s then supposed to have announced that he’s going back to his first wife, Vera.
A close pal takes up the story. ”Julia begged Danny: ‘Please don’t leave me! I can’t live without you! I’ll do anything to save this marriage.”’
Anything, says the Enquirer, could include buying a place in Hawaii and relocating there for 18 months.
”I want to find a tropical paradise for me and Danny, as far away from Hollywood as I can get,” she reportedly told a friend.
Hawaii’s not exactly as far away from Hollywood as you can get, but it is thankfully in the good old US of A and therefore not full of nasty foreign types.
”This is Julia’s last desperate attempt to save her marriage,” a pal tells the magazine. ”She couldn’t take the embarrassment and humiliation of having yet another failed relationship.”
With so many behind her, you would have thought it was water off a duck’s back by now.
But even friends don’t think a career break or marriage counselling will save this one.
”It’s one thing for Julia, who is worth millions and has reached her goals by winning an Oscar, to step back and take a break from the business,” says a pal.
”But for Danny, it might not be such a great move to have Julia around all the time.”
The couple got married on July 4 last year. This year, July 4 might be independence day for them both.
‘
No Action Hero
‘AT least Danny and Julia made it up the aisle – Ben and Jen are having trouble even getting there.
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| J-Lo models her new gym gear |
The Enquirer has been full of rumours, detailing the couple’s problems over the past few months.
And the latest seems to be that their sex life has gone to pot – a victim of J-Lo’s obsession with keeping in shape.
The magazine says she forced Affleck to get out of bed at 4am for hour-long workouts – and not ones of the horizontal sort.
”Jenny’s killing me, man,” Ben supposedly told a friend. ”She’s dragging my butt out of bed before the sun is up because she’s afraid of getting fat.
”But we’re both so tired at night, there’s no action.”
One would have thought that dragging J-Lo’s butt out of bed was a work-out in itself – but the 32-year-old diva also has a gruelling five-times-a-week regime of sit-ups, push-ups and butt-firming isometrics.
And Ben’s got himself caught up in it.
”He made the mistake of letting Jen talk him into these early-morning work-outs when they first started dating,” the friend says.
”But he’d rather stay in bed and make love – that’s exercise to him.”
‘
American In London
‘ONE of that select band of men who can call themselves Julia Roberts’ ex-boyfriend is over in London at the moment.
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| ”Could that bus be any closer?” |
And given most Yanks’ notion of us Brits, he must be amazed not to discover a city either full of Terry Thomas-like cads or Dick Van Dyke cockneys.
Certainly, that is what Enquirer gossip editor Mike Walker, who is also over on this side of the Atlantic, seems to believe.
He recounts the story of how Perry, who is acting in a West End play, was hit by a bus when looking in the wrong direction.
”The horrified driver and passengers erupted from the vehicle and swarmed around him as he groggily got to his feet – dazed, but insisting to all the good chaps that he was just hunk-dory.
”After briefly explaining the meaning of hunk-dory to the fascinated Brits, Matt took off down the street.”
And all us chaps were thankful that at last we knew what the title of that 1971 David Bowie album meant.
Next week, Kelsey Grammar explains the meaning of the word ‘funky’.
‘
Darling Bud Of Mey
‘LIKE an empty bottle of gin, the country seems a hollow place without its spiritual mother.
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| Gone to the big gin palace in the sky |
Ever since the Queen Mother passed away in her sleep at the age of 198, we’ve been rolling around like a lost ice cube in a tumbler of misery and drizzle.
At least Hello! knows what’s what, and has filled the chasm in our hearts, and the space between an advert for holidays in Egypt and pictures of Penelope Cruz in a dress, with an insight into how things used to be.
It’s as if the dear old gal had only popped out for a short trip to the off-licence as we peer around the inside of the Castle Of Mey, the Highland retreat she called ”Heaven on Earth”.
Now that she’s in Heaven for real, we the common folk have been permitted inside the grounds and even within the front door with no fear of a bite from a guard dog or a cannon ball in the head.
Words cannot do the place justice, imbued as it is with the essence of the Queen Mother. So instead let us look to a poem, written in regal hand in her visitors’ book.
”Although we must leave you/Fair Castle of Mey/We shall never forget/Nor could ever…” Stand the place? ”…repay.”
It goes on: ”A meal of such splendour/Repast of such zest/It will take us to Sunday/Just to…” Pick it from our wooden teeth? ”…digest.”
More: ”To leafy Balmoral/We are now on our way/But our hearts will remain at the Castle of Mey/With your gardens and ranger/ and all your good cheer/We will be back again soon/So roll on…” The barrel? ”…next year.”
Who would have guessed the Queen had a beautiful way with words? Well, not anyone who’s read that bilge.
‘
Ed Rest
‘ON account of the impending birth of the poor creature who will have to call Prince Edward ”daddy”, Sophie Wessex has not accompanied said husband on a tour of the Caribbean.
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| No Wessexes please, we’re British |
Sadly, Edward’s dresser appears also to have stayed at home, as have the first Lord of the Mirror, Sir Horace Hat-Maker and a large chunk of the inhabitants of Grand Cayman.
What we are left with is a typically sorry sight of Eddie done up like a geriatric kipper walking along in the belief that a) people know who he is and b) people think he’s Stephen Spielberg.
All he could do was threaten them that Sophie would be with him ”next time”.
If ever there were a time for the poor peoples of Grand Cayman to go independent of the Crown it is now.
As it is, Eddie was only in town for four days, what with the demands of being so loved, he was needed for three days in Barbados and a further two in Jamaica.
Which must mean he’s now due some time off.
‘
Dressing-Up Boxes
‘WHEN it comes to being loved and worshiped even Eddie Wessex can doff his absurd oversized Panama hat in the direction of the soap actors’ guild.
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| Frock horror! |
All the stars of the smallest screen came out to play for the British Soap Awards, and Hello! has the pictures.
Little can be said about the awards themselves, other than well done to Roly the poodle for being Most Fanciable Dog In Soap and to Megan Hargreaves, who plays Seth’s moustache in Emmerdale with such selfless professionalism.
What we will look at are the outfits. The rule for the girls is to flaunt whatever you’ve got, whether you have it or not.
We are thus treated to a selection of outfits a five-year-old girl with a dressing-up box would think were to die for. Sadly, the rest of us think they are horrible.
The message to the Hollyoaks girls, whose sense of style is on a par with their acting abilities, is next time you want to look good, stand next to Prince Edward.
And if he’s away, stick next to Carole Vorderman like a nervous limpet.
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Marriage By Numbers
‘ONE can only assume camp TV presenter Dale Winton’s marriage to glamour model Nell McAndrew is some kind of grotesque made-for-TV stunt.
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| ”Not bad for a transvestite,” says Dale |
Or possibly a comment on the shallowness of our celebrity-obsessed age.
Whatever the motivation, the whole thing is like an identikit C-list wedding, except that the bride and groom have been accidentally drawn from the same box.
As for the guests, they have all been picked at random from Les Dennis’ address book.
In attendance were the likes of Kym Marsh and her beau Jack Ryder; Blue’s Antony Costa and fiancee Lucy Bolster; Toby Anstis, Mystic Meg, Gina G, Esther Rantzen, David Seaman, Nicholas Parsons, Tony Blackburn…
Dale’s best man was footballer Graeme Souness, while his best woman was Cilla Black. Nell, meanwhile, was given away by TV home improvements expert Phil Turner.
Kerry Katona, the pneumatically-chested former Atomic Kitten, said the occasion brought back memories of her wedding to Westlife fatty Brian McPudding.
Presumably, that was because all the canapes had disappeared within five minutes of the start of the reception.
”I think a few people found it hard to take seriously,” she told OK!, ”but if two people are in love it’s nice.”
And if two people are doing it only to boost their profile and pick up a bit fat cheque, that’s nice as well.
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Straight Talking
‘IT seems that Dale and Nell are intent on having a very traditional relationship – no sex before marriage…and probably no sex after it.
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| Nell’s in for a big surprise |
According to Cilla Black, Nell phoned her the night before the wedding to ask what her groom was like in bed.
”I told her he is a restless sleeper and prone to a fag or two,” said the Blind Date presenter in her speech, ”which had guests crying with laughter”.
”We all know that marriage is something of a gamble, like the lottery. And all I can say is that Nell, you might get a rollover tonight.”
After all, the odds are only about 14,000,000-1.
Looking to the future, Dale says: ”As for any indiscretions I may have had, I’ve certainly put that side of my life away for the moment – well, forever. Yes, forever!”
And Nell will never have to get down on her hands and knees again.
”Dale has already said that we’ll have staff to do all the cleaning so I don’t need to worry about getting my hands dirty,” she says, ”and he said I will never want for anything.”
Except, of course, a straight husband.
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Tears For Careers
‘NELL McAndrew was known only for taking her clothes off until her appearance on last year’s I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!
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| ”I’m looking for a role that requires lots of crying” |
Since then, she hasn’t looked back and has been taking her clothes off with even greater regularity than before.
Let’s hope the same is true for the career of Danniella Westbrook, last seen blubbing her eyes out in the Australian rainforest.
Even if her brief appearance on the show doesn’t boost her career, it won’t all have been a waste.
”Every cloud has a silver lining,” says OK!, ”and, although Danniella didn’t enjoy her time in the Queensland ravine, there have been some positive outcomes.
”Not only did she show that she’s a bright, sparky individual who has come out of a 14-year drug addiction a better person, she proved what a devoted mother and wife she is.”
And there was us thinking she was just a needy, whining drama queen…’
Fat Friends
”’I GIVE this ring as a sign of our love, that now I make the choice to share this life with you. Let my arms be your haven, let my heart be your home.”
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| ”Doesn’t she look lovely…?” |
And with words that serve to explain why actors use a scriptwriter, Friends star Matt LeBlanc plighted his troth to former model Melissa McKnight.
She then repeated the words – that are now forever etched in cheese – and the two were duly pronounced photo opportunity and wife.
And what photographs there are. Sadly, they all appear to have been taken from the wrong side of a sand dune on the Hawaiian island of Kauai.
Undeterred by an overlooked invitation to party with the LeBlancs, the Enquirer took its happy snapper and went down to the beach, where wedding guests Courteney Cox and Jennifer Aniston were in their bikinis.
Over the page, and the two friends of the groom were still in their two-piece swimsuits, and had been joined by a large-boned girlfriend dressed in many acres of red swimsuit.
Jenn can be seen looking at her unnamed pal while placing her hand over her heart and adopting a look of horror. How did someone so large get in shot?
Well, Jenn, this what you get for leaving Hollywood – having to share lens coverage with fat people, who expect to sit on the same bit of sand as the slim and perfect.
It is just so very wrong.
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M Marks The Spot
‘WHAT’S great about being Mark Wahlberg is that when everyone else forgets who you are, you can just roll up your sleeve, consult your arm and know that you are ”MW Wahlberg”.
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| But what does it mean? |
That’s what it says on the tattoo etched in dark ink on the actor’s upper right arm.
And before you mock, let is be said that there is a fashion in Hollywood for writing the name of a loved one on your body. And at last Mark, unlike Angelina Jolie, will never fall out of love with himself.
As for the winsome actress, she can be seen with makeup covering the name of her former lover Billy Bob Thornton, and getting another tattoo at the local parlour.
The new artwork consists of five vertical rows of ancient Cambodian script linked on her back.
The words are said to keep off bad luck, but we have employed the services of an ancient Cambodian to tell us what they really mean.
And the message is simple: ”Mark Wahlberg.”
‘
Stress Busters
‘IT might sound incredible, but it makes it no less true – Hollywood stars do get stressed out, just like the rest of us. And the Enquirer has looked into ways they battle feelings of angst and worry.
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| ”I didn’t steal it. I knit for Gucci!” |
Julia Roberts and Penelope Cruz like to get the needle from acupuncturist Suk Woon. ”Stars are stressed because of work or relationships. Or from working at relationships,” says Suk.
No wonder Julia Roberts seeks solace in knitting, along with Sarah Jessica Parker, Uma Thurman and Winona Ryder, who all swear by it. Although, on occasion we have heard that shoplifting is a bit of light relief.
Madonna, Cameron Diaz and a load of lithesome others turn to yoga. While Robert Duvall loves dancing and, get his, had a private dance floor put in his barn.
Other ways to alleviate stress include hiking (Brad Pitt), jogging in tandem (Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell), riding a motorcycle (George Clooney and Patrick Swayze) and playing golf (Bill Murray).
The rest, we suppose, just stick to the tried and tested formula of drugs, booze and kinky sex.
‘
A Swede And A Leak
‘HOW did the news that celebrity shagger Ulrika Jonsson and Lance Gerrard-Wright were engaged leak out?
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| Lancelot and Lanced-a-lot |
Well, the news broke on a visit to her future in-laws’ house in Folkingham, Lincolnshire – and the culprit appears to have been a local shopkeeper.
According to one observer, Ulrika asked the owner of the village store: ”Can you keep a secret?” After being reassured that he couldn’t, she flashed her ring.
”Then she said, ‘I’m getting engaged’,” reports the observer. ”She then kissed him three times.”
The poor shopkeeper was momentarily stunned, fearing for a second that he had just committed himself to becoming Ulrika’s Husband No.3.
But it all worked out all right in the end – the photographers quickly turned up in Folkingham and Ulrika was able to flash her ring and a smile at a much wider audience.
In fact, the only downside on the whole thing was that the £5,000 platinum and diamond ring Lance had bought his Swedish belle was the wrong size.
”Although she could initially wear the ring,” says Hello!, ”she was in pain every time she moved her finger and it had to be returned to Tiffany to be enlarged.”
Given the number of times Ulrika has been engaged, you would have thought the jeweller would have a template of her finger by now…
‘
An Everyday Tale
‘IN days of yore, Lady Helen Windsor was a darling of the tabloids with a tabloid nickname to match – Lady Helen ”Melons” Windsor.
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| Lady H had a feeling she was being stalked by Superman |
These days, however, the only thing you are likely to see protruding from the chest of the 39-year-old daughter of the Duke and Duchess Of Kent is her new baby, Eloise.
Eloise is only two months old, but is already a great advert for a balanced melon diet.
As for Mum, Lady Helen may be 25th in line to the throne, but she is determined to play down her Royal pedigree, insists Hello!
Her accent is, we are told, ”well-spoken but classless” and to all intents and purposes she is just a regular gel.
As Hello! catches up with her in her five-bedroom house in Belgravia, Lady Helen is exhausted.
Husband Tim is out, presumably overseeing his new art gallery, which opens on May 20 in Dering Street. And sons Columbus and Cassius are at school.
It is a situation that, we are sure, mothers up and down the country can relate to.
And not only that, but Lady Helen has to juggle all this with her job – as global fashion ambassador for Giorgio Armani.
But at least she has help from hubby Tim – when he’s not opening a new art gallery, that is.
”He has always been a very hands-on father,” says Lady Helen. ”I do most of it because I’m better at it, but he’s very good at bringing up cups of tea in the morning.”
The epitome of a modern man – and so much preferable to one who brings up pints of lager in the evening…
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Here’s Looking At You, Kidd
‘YOU have to hand it to the toffs – they can breed.
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| Auntie Jodie had ruined the dining room table |
Norway’s Princess Martha Louise and husband Ari Behn show off their first born, Maud Angelica in this week’s edition of Hello!
And international polo player Jack Kidd introduces us to his new-born son John ”at his magnificent home near Windsor Great Park.”
Now, some of the more common Hello! readers might not know Jack Kidd – so the magazine, with perfect manners as always, is keen to help out.
Jack, we are told ”is perhaps better known as the son of polo star Johnny Kidd”.
Still no? Remember motorbike stuntman Eddie Kidd? Footballer Brian Kidd? Cowboy Billy The Kidd? Pirate Captain Kidd? Radio DJ Dave ‘Kidd’ Jensen?
Well, Jack isn’t related to any of them but, if it makes it any easier, he is the elder brother of supermodel Jodie and celebrity make-up artist Jemma.
And his wife’s called Be. So there.
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Cover Girl
‘WHILE Neighbours brings us Natalie Imbruglia, Jason Donovan and, or course, Stefan Dennis, Brookside has also provided TV light entertainment with some faces.
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| Not-her-own material girl |
Anna Friel has worn some decent outfits and had her picture taken, oh, dozens of times. And Claire Sweeney, the refreshingly untalented Test Card girl is as ubiquitous as the very air we breathe.
But now they are all set to be trumped by Jennifer Ellison, the girl OK! says is a ‘soap star turned pop sensation’.
And since OK! is never wrong, we can only sit back in awe as the magazine invites us for an audience with the woman who explains ‘why Madonna had better watch out’.
First we get to hear what a record bigwig told Jen when she was worried about being considered a fraud for opening her fantastic career with a cabaret version of Transvision Vamp’s Baby I Don’t Care.
‘You’d be silly not to release the Transvision Vamp one,’ said the man in the indoor sunglasses. ‘It’s a great track, everybody knows it. Who are you trying to impress? The kids or the ‘cool crew’ from Notting Hill?
You’re not Bono trying to change the world. You’re in it to have fun, aren’t you? Well, take a chance and go for it.’
And go for it she has, taking a real risk in opening her pop account with another band’s hit song.
Living the life of an artiste is a scary business, putting so much of what you are on the line for the public to do down or up.
But, then, as we heard, Madonna had best watch out. You see, our interviewer has spotted the uncanny resemblance between Jen’s Scouse scream and Madonna’s multi-platinum selling voice.
‘In fact you sound like a young Madonna,’ says the interviewer. ‘My mum said that,’ says Jen. ‘Especially when I sang her a ballad I’d recorded. And the producers I worked with said it, too.’
Which suggests it might be time for Madonna to take a risk with her career and go for it. Look out for her ‘cover’ version of Every Loser Wins soon.
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If The Cake Fits…
‘LAST time we saw Tania Bryer she was up to her neck in the world’s tallest fairycake.
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| Tania shows off the style that made her Reader’s Wife Of The Year |
It was the birthday of either Francesca or Melissa, her daughters, and they’d invited a host of photogenic pals to be on their best behaviour and do as the man with the camera says.
Now Tanya and her accessories are in the Bahamas, wearing clothes that, according to OK!, explain why she is the ‘perfect choice of beauty columnist for the Daily Express’.
That the two organs are published by Richard Desmond’s firm is mere coincidence.
And we are sure that Tanya would be just as suited to a role in I Shag For Publicity and Blonde And Haughty as any other hard-working mum.
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The White Stuff
‘RUNNING OK! magazine presents some real challenges. After all, do you put the story of Atomic Kitten going to the funfair ahead or behind the tale of how Victoria Beckham wore a dress?
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| Martine, Martine, give us a wave |
Thankfully, there is Martine McCutcheon, who is yet again on hand to deflect attention away from this minefield and onto her white skin.
Looking at Martine frolicking with ‘toy boy’ lover James Tanner we are rendered momentarily snowblind.
Blessedly, both Martine and James are soon in their sunglasses, walking hand in hand along a promenade in southern Spain – or Spine, as Martine would have it.
But our eyes are still damaged. And we an only hope they’re better for next week’s edition – when Martine, Tania and Jen tell us more about their utterly fantastic lives…
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