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Royal Family | Anorak - Part 18

Royal Family Category

The Royal Family, the House of Windsor, in the news and on a horse

Pippa Middleton’s ‘Like A Sister’ To Kate Middleton Reveals Daily Mail: Photos

PIPPA Middleton’s school photos are in the Daily Mail. How did these few pictures come to be published? Well:

The pictures were taken by Kevin Allford, who was housemaster to Pippa and Kate at the £13,000-a-year preparatory school in the Nineties.

Mr Allford, who now lives in Carmarthen, said: ‘Pippa was like her sister…”

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Posted: 28th, July 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Prince Charles Rides An Electric Bike And A Wooden Horse (Photos)

TODAY the Prince of Wales rode an electric bicycle and carved wood during the Start Garden Exhibition and Pop-Up Restaurant at Clarence House in central London.

The photos are a bit odd. In the first you can see two people hiding behind Charles’s back. And when when he cycles, the walking guard create the impresison of a man going nowhere… in a suit…

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Posted: 27th, July 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comments (4)


Queen And Kate Middelton View Wedding Dress At Buckingham Palace: Photos

KATE Middleton spent part of her day with Queen Elizabeth II viewing the wedding dress the now Duchess of Cambridge wore during her April marriage to Prince William. They also looked at the Duchess of Cambridge’s intricately decorated wedding cake. You can see both untouched museum pieces at Buckingham Palace (or Kensington Palace and Sandringham when they’re on holiday)…

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Posted: 22nd, July 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Princess Diana’s ‘Murder’ Letter Is Beyond The Grave

PRINCESS Diana is back! On the cover of the Daily Express a smiling Di illustrates the headline:

“DIANA POLICE FACE ARREST”

This must be good news for the non-seatbelt wearing celebrity princess, now residing on the fabled Sixth Floor of London’s Harvey Nichol’s department store, because, as we say, she is happy of expression.

The Express uses Diana as a barometer of its news on her. Bad news and Diana looks demure and down. Interesting news and Diana looks to the left. News on her sons and Diana looks to the heavens. Good news and she beams like the sun.

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Posted: 22nd, July 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Kate And William Mate Over A Pippa Middleton Sex Coconut (Photos)

KATE Middleton and Prince William – aka Duke and Duchess of Cambridge – have been presented with a coconut that looks like a woman’s vagina and hips/ buttocks.

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Posted: 17th, July 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Pippa Middleton’s Bum Gets Lighly Toasted: Photos

FANS of the Beefeater Grill say that Pippa Middleton – she’s the Duchess of Cambridge’s younger sister – is the person they wouild most like to share breaskfast with.

This might well be a euphermism for sex – breakfast of champions – because the Beefeater Grill does not serve breasfast. The restaurants open at noon. Either its patrons lie in and forgo Shreddies for a Chicken Breast Burger with Cheese and Bacon, or else the question ‘Who would mum or dad most like to shag?’ is thought not best suited to a family eatery.

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Posted: 15th, July 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Princess Charlene Wittstock’s Oyster Box Barred To Prince Albert

WHAT news of Prince Albert of Monaco and his blushing bride (surely rushing? – ed), Princess Charlene Wittstock, who only the other week were party to the gayest wedding this side of Elton John’s duvet cover?

Well, the 53-year-old billionaire and his 33-year-old wife are at odds over the paternity of some children that might be his. She’s been honeymooning at Umhlanga Rocks, South Africa; and her husband has been honeymooning ten miles away in the city of Durban.

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Posted: 15th, July 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)


Prince William Bumalike Wanted: Situations Vacant

ARE you a Prince William bumalike? Do you think your bum is a ringer for Prince William’s tush? Well, if so, this is your big break…

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Posted: 15th, July 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Duke And Duchess Wills And Kate In LA To Sort His Hair, Her Chest And Victoria Beckham’s PR: Photos

THE Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are in Hollywood to sort out his hairline and her breasts. When they come back look out for Wills sporting a Brad Pitt zip-on and Kate wearing Ass by Kardashian and Paris Hilton’s huge feet beneath a porn starlet overhang.

The toothsome twosome have been paraded before around 200 guests at the Consul General’s residence in Los Angeles. The usual trans-Atlantic telegenic dross were there: David Beckham, Stephen Fry and jobbing toff Lord Freddie Windsor.

The Mail reproduces an exchange between Becks and Wills:

Becks: “Victoria really wanted to come but she is just so tired at the moment. She sent you both lots of love. How was Canada? It looked amazing.”

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Posted: 9th, July 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Diamond Marshall And The Death Of Cynicism: When The Duchess Of Cambridge Made A Wish Come True

CYNICISM break now, readers. On their trip to Canada, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge started a meme and routed the French. Then they met 6-year-old, Diamond Marshall, of Alberta Children’s Hospital. Diamond has cancer. Her mum died from caner when she was 18-months old. She is supported by the Children’s Wish Foundation. Her wish was to meet a real princess. So, she met Kate and gave her a bunch of flowers.

Diamond had written a letter. Rebekah Brooks and the Murdochs many – even you may find a reason to lick your eyeballs:

“I was named after Princess Diana. My mommy memory is in heaven with her. I watched you get married from my bed. My favourite princess is Aurora, who is yours? I would really like to meet you. Do you want to meet me too?”

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Posted: 8th, July 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)


Duke Of Cambridge And Catherine Do The Calgary Stampede: Photos

THE Duke of Cambridge and Catherine have been to the Calgary Stampede in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. It was the final stop of their nine-day tour. The Duke and Duchess sported white ten gallon hats, and cowboy shirts and boots. Williams then tossed a small stove into the back of a chuck wagon.

Thick wrested men then mounted big bulls and trued to ride them. Kate was heard to utter:

“Oh my God, oh my.”

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Posted: 8th, July 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


The Greatest Duke And Duchess Of Cambridge Photo Ever: A Meme Is Born

DAY 6 of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s trip to Canada and we get the photo that will used to for years to come. A meme has been born as Catherine watched a hockey game at the Somba K’e Civic Plaza in Yellowknife, Northwest Territories.

The first photo will be reused for years…

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The Duke of Cambridge takes a shot with a hockey stick as his wife the Duchess of Cambridge, watches during a visit to the Somba K'e Civic Plaza in Yellowknife, Northwest Territories.

 

Posted: 6th, July 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Face Of The Day: Camilla Duchess Of Cornwall Does Hampton Court Palace Flower Show

FACE of The Day belongs to the dandelion-haired woman stood behind Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall. Prince William’s stepmother was on a visit to Hampton Court Palace Flower Show. There she met a man on a pair of stilts. For some reason that Anorak dare not think too long and hard about, Camilla popped open a little umbrella…

Posted: 5th, July 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Canada Marks US Independence Day With Duke And Duchess Of Cambridge: America Gets Sarah Ferguson (Photos)

ON July 4, the day America celebrates the death of monarchy, nepotism, divine rule, taxation without representations and the rise of Kennedys, Clintons, hanging chads and Bushes, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge were wowing the Canadians.

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Posted: 5th, July 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)


Prince William And Kate Thrash The French At Cooking: Quebec Resistance Routed Over Crispy Duck (Photos)

MORE Canada action from the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge as they took part in a cooking adventure at the Institut De Tourisme et D’hotellerie Du Quebec in Montreal. The plot was clear: the French speakers would get the roast beefs in the kitchen and laugh at their chips and curry sauce.

But Prince William was ready. Summing the spirit of General James Wolfe, Williams conjured a cranberry-crusted lamb and croustillant a l’effiloche de canard confit. The coup de grace was the lobster soufflé. Take that Frenchie! Take that and your failed attempts at a global empire on which the sun never set. You might have an aircraft carrier, but we’ve captured your souffle (mais oui, we have done away with the accent) and crispy duck surprise.

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Posted: 3rd, July 2011 | In: Key Posts, Royal Family | Comments (4)


Duke And Duchess of Cambridge Give A Tree To Canada: Because Canada Needs More Trees (Photos)

DAY 3 of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s trip to Canada. And the time is ripe to plant a tree at Rideau Hall in Ottawa, Canada. The tree that Kate and William helped to plant is next to the one planted by the Prince and the Princess of Wales in 1983. Because what more do the Canadians need than trees? Answer: a backpacking moose dipped in syrup…

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Posted: 3rd, July 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)


Charlene Wittstock Marries A Butch Cake Decoration In Monaco: Prince Albert’s Wedding Photos

DAY two of Prince Albert 2 of Monaco’s wedding to Charlene Wittstock. Having impounded his bride’s passport and headed her off at Nice airport – why the Olympic swimming champion didn’t head for the waves instead of the road we may never know – she was ready for the religious do the Place du Palais, Monte Carlo. For the occasion, screamingly heterosexual Albert dressed as Elton John impersonating Richard Gere’s Officer And A Gentleman on a ride down Old Compton Street on Mr Whippy’s ice-cream float. The bride wore a look of patience and resignation…

Note: The British royal family were represented by Albert’s British stunt double Prince Edward and his wife Sophie, Countess of Wessex.

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Posted: 2nd, July 2011 | In: Key Posts, Royal Family | Comment (1)


Prince Albert Of Monaco Ties The Knot About Runaway Charlene Wittstock: The Wedding Photos

HAPPY days in Monaco where the screamingly heterosexual Prince Albert II has tied the knot with Charlene Wittstock. Having headed her off at Nice airport and impounded her passport, love blossomed for the man they call the Prince Edward of Monaco and the former Olympic athlete who was always better at swimming than running.

(We had the boat ready, Charlene. You only had to ‘do a swimmer’. You chose to run and that was never your bag.)

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Posted: 2nd, July 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comments (3)


Prince William And Kate Mark Canada Day In Ottawa: Photos To Make Americans Weep

THE Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have been on Parliament Hill in Ottawa for Canada Day celebrations on the second day of their visit to the Commonwealth country. Canadians love the Royal family. The Canadians, in their French speaking bilingual country, love the Royals because the Americans don’t have a Royal family, they just have Paris Hilton and Burger King. Very soon the Canadians will move on from sticking Maple Flags on their backpacks and luggage – flags that scream, “Yup – I hate them Yankees Too” – and slap Royal Mail stamps to their foreheads and wear Kate & Wills teeth.

But Kate’s not anti-American. No sireee. After the mooseburgers have been digested, Kate and Wills are off to LA for some vegetables. And in a tribute to the Americans, she did include two ketchup-coated nachos on her Maple Leaf themed hat…

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Posted: 1st, July 2011 | In: Key Posts, Royal Family | Comment


Hello Moosef*ckers: Prince William And Kate Are In Canada (Photos)

HELLO moosef*ckers. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are in bilingual Canada, and not only the bilingual French speaking bits. They’re in Ontario Canada, a place the Governor General David Johnston calls “the honeymoon capital of the Commonwealth”. The second most popular city for couples marrying in the Commonwealth is, of course, Las Vegas (at Anorak we adhere to the pre-1776 calendar)…

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Posted: 1st, July 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Newsweek, The Daily Express And The Franklin Mint On Milking Princess Diana: A Gallery Of Royal Tat

PRINCESS Diana is 50. On the fabled Sixth Floor of London’s Harvey Nichol’s shopping emporium Anorak’s man with a camera is making ready for the interview sensation of the century. But others cannot wait for the great return. The Daily Express photoshopped Shy Di at 50 on its front page. And then Newsweek produced a cover photo of “Diana at 50” in which the telegenic celebrity princess was aged by computer wizardry and placed walking down a street with Pippa Middleton. The US organ said Di had had Botox. They even produced a Tweet in which she says: “If you treat people as brothers and sitter stye respond accordingly.” They bicker, fight over money and marry people the rest of the family hate.

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Posted: 30th, June 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)


Kate Middleton And Prince William Present Medals In A Squashed Blueberry Hat

ANOTHER day for Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, and with it another hat. Today, Kate has been mostly wearing a lid fashioned from a squashed blueberry. This is what all the cool kids will be wearing come Monday. Although, from another angle the tit-fer-tat looks like one of those bags you fill with ice to cool a post-binge brow.

We should also say: The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge were presenting operational medals for service in Afghanistan to members of the 1st Battalion Irish Guards at the Victoria Barracks, Windsor. The 1st Battalion Irish Guards returned in April from a six-month tour in Afghanistan where they were deployed to 22 different locations in Helmand Province, tasked with developing the Afghan Army. Six soldiers returned home two weeks before the royal couple’s wedding day and had ceremonial duties to perform in London on the day.

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Posted: 25th, June 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Hasmukh Shingadia Is Kate Middleton’s Guilty Royal Wedding Guest In Oxford Crown Court

HASMUKH Shingadia (Has Muck?) is the Royal wedding guest who has pleaded guilty at Oxford Crown Court to a charge of false accounting. You might feel sympathy for Mr Shingadia, owner of the The Peaches convenience store, in Upper Bucklebury, Berkshire. You might think that if were not for Prince William’s wedding to local girl Kate Middleton and his reported attendance at said do, Mr Shingadia’ crime would not make the national newspapers.

The Sun told us:

Theft rap for Kate grocer pal guest

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Posted: 24th, June 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Pippa Middleton Rescues Wimbledon From Cliff Richard And Foreign Arses: Photos

PIPPA Middleton was shopping on the King’s Road in Fulham today. We know this because we’ve got lots of photos to prove the fact.

Middleton is big news because her arse is, of course, the thing all of Britain will be pinning its hopes on should no British woman in a tennis skirt progress to the last days of Wimbledon. It will be up to Our Pippa to take her seat to the Royal Box and present her buttocks to the crowd, the royal orbs demurely-yet-alluringly clad in a high-street dress of thinnish fabric.

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Posted: 23rd, June 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comments (2)


Kate Middleton Refuses To Apologise For Her Wimbledon Letter Errors (In Full)

KATE Middleton’s letter to Wimbledon is the Daily Mail’s most popular story. News is that the woman known as the Duchess of Cambridge is a rotten speller. Says the Mail of a letter Kate wrote to the All England club three years ago:

“In the letter, just unveiled in Wimbledon’s museum, she writes quite instead of quiet and confuses ’till with ’til.”

To put the tin lid on news that Kate is every bit as dim as Princess Diana woz, we are told:

Kate, whose brother James suffers from dyslexia, is a former pupil at Marlborough College, where current boarding fees are £29,000 a year, and went on to study at St Andrews University.

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Posted: 22nd, June 2011 | In: Key Posts, Royal Family | Comments (6)