The Consumer | Anorak - Part 102

The Consumer Category

We bring you the chic and unique, the best and most bizarre shopping offers both online and offline. We offer you tips on where to buy, and some of the less mainstream and crazy, individual and offbeat items on the internet. Anything that can be bought and sold can be featured here. And we love showcasing the best and worst art and design.

The Most Useless Female Products Ever

RETAILERS loves the sexes because they can package the same item two ways. Razor for him. A vibrating dildo razor for her. We kid you not. In this gallery of the worst female-only products of all time, we see the jean thongs, the biscuit that makes your breast grow faster than your bum, the urine cup and the smile trainer that teaches your glum mouth how to smile. Sits back in your female chair in your female Comfi-Slax and flick through the catalogue, femininely…

Baby Shirt

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Via,via,via,via,via,via,via, via and.

Posted: 24th, June 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment

The Funniest Receipts Ever

DO enjoy this collection of receipts with humorous inserts and plain wrong details. The waitress is “slow but tries”. That fine wine you bought in the bottle shop is “cat’s wee” to the store’s owner. What do you do with “Batman Sperm”? The stuff you can buy at Wal-Mart is banned in many states and jurisdictions. Thank you for reading. Hurry on back, yer’al…


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Posted: 24th, June 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment

The Moosical Beads Dirty Cow Toy Teaches Babies About Sex

THE Moosical Beads toy sings a song for the kiddies called “Learning colours and sex, yippee!”

SHOCKED mum” is Jodie Cairns, 20. She and her partner Zac Walker, also 20, “couldn’t believe their ears” as the toy taught four-month-old Ethan to sing-alonga-shag.

Says Miss Cairns:

“Ethan’s grandma bought the toy from Tesco in March as a present, but we didn’t get it out of the box because he was too little. Then yesterday we started playing with it and we noticed that it appeared to be saying ‘sex’.

Remove the batteries and toss it into the bin with the other filth. Or:

“We listened to it again and again and thought ‘Oh my God’. It’s shocking – what if my boy had been a lot older? What would they say about us as parents.”

If they boy were a lot older playing with this toy, we’d say he had other issues.

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Posted: 22nd, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)

02 Sends Letter To Woman Called ‘Mr Pedo File’: Nominative Determinism Wins

THE letter from 02, the mobile phone company, is addressed to Bolton resident ‘Mr Pedo File’. No, not nominative determinism, mums and dads. and not Mr Paedo File, a domestic predator.

The story is not that generous. Jack Meoff, the ingenious Hakim Quick, Ms Porn and Mr Phani Tikkala are ok.

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Posted: 21st, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

The World’s Worst Product Names, Presented By Only Puke Chips

WE now continue your look at nominative determinism in consumer goods with some more Sexy Foods and products. You will learn that Terror comes in a variety of flavours, an OAP tasts better in sauce, older boys love Oily Boy, Puke is served in bags and a Double Cock is a Keeper.

Logos – World’s Worst 
Latte Faces


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Posted: 21st, June 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comments (3)

Hello Kitty Engine Oil Is Coming To Kill The Birds

DOES your car have Hello Kitty engine oil? Does it deserve it? Are you a pryromaniac looking for edge?

Cats kill birds –  not just sea bird.


Hello Kitty Engine oil – Yes its for real

Posted: 21st, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)

South Africa Gets The Rape-aXe Comdom With Teeth To Fight Rape

IN South Africa, Dr. Sonnet Ehlers has developed a condom with teeth to combat rape. Dr Ehlers recalls a meeting with a rape victim who proved to be her inspiration:

“She looked at me and said, ‘If only I had teeth down there… I promised her I’d do something to help people like her one day.”

Fake Chinese Condoms Lubricated With Vegetable Oil

Et voila! The Rape-aXe is here. Forty years later, Rape-aXe was born. (Here comes the chopper to chop off your…chopper…)

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Posted: 21st, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)

Fake Chinese Condoms Lubricated With Vegetable Oil

FANCY buying a bootleg Torjan condom. Anorak’s Man in a New York pickle writes:

IF you’ve ever been to New York’s Chinatown, you know it’s the place to buy bootleg designer clothing and the latest faux Luis Vuitton totes or Hermes Birkin bags.

Turns out it’s also a good place to buy Trojan condoms for next to nothing. Problem is, the Trojans are as phony as the Fendis.

In a crack down on Chinese-made fashion knockoffs, the feds also discovered more than a half-million bootleg condoms.

And it gets worse.

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Posted: 19th, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

The Driffield Porn Burger Caravan Gives Customers A Free Porn Film With Every Burger And Drink

TO the porn fast-food caravan in Driffield, East Yorkshire – aka the Driffield Porn Burger Caravan – where all customers are, allegedly, given a free porn DVD if they spent more than £5 on food and drink.

The Driffield Times quotes Sgt David Jenkins:

“We received complaints that free porn DVDs were being offered to everyone who spent £5 or more on beer and burgers.”


“Undercover officers made test purchases and found this to be true before Saturday night’s operation when the caravan was seized.”

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Posted: 18th, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)

Ascot Hats In Pictures: The Sheikh Who Mistook Turn Ups For A Hat

BEFORE you get to see the hats of Ascot perched atop the head of knobs and knobesses – and few interlopers in clingy dresses and shiny shoes – a word on Sheikh Mohammed Bin Rashid Al Maktoum and his entourage (picture 13). The trousers, lads. The trousers are huge. There is room for growth in those trousers – personal as well as physical; you could camp in them on a Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme weekender. Les sis more, lads. So, to the hats. Seagulls (and pheasants – picture 4) – fire at will…

Note: reader Dairy points out that the trousered Sheikh is with… Princess Bint. No, not Sarah Ferguson. She’s only a Duchess….


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Ladies arrive dressed in hats on Ladies Day of The Royal Ascot Meeting 2010

Posted: 18th, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)

Lithuania Labels Exported Food With Official Swastika – Marketing Fail

LITHUANIA loves the swastika. It invites you to eat the swastika. In Moscow, you can buy imported Lithuanian food with the swastika on it – a kite mark for murderous hate and civic pride. Oh, no. the swastika is not Nazi symbol, adopted by Lithuanian death squads in World War 2. The swastika is part of the country’s heritage. So says the Klaipeda court. Still, as marketing goes, it could be better…

Puke Chips – The World’s Worst Product Names


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Posted: 15th, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (9)

Inappropriate Child’s Toy Of The Day: The Orgasmic Toy Truck

INAPPROPRIATE Child’s Toy of the Day is the orgasmic truck. You’ve seen the sexy puzzle. You’ve sung along with the “Fuck With Me” toy teddy.You’ve read about the toy gun cosh. You’ve built an atomic bomb in your bedroom.

You’ve petted a dead cat. You bought a killer hamster. You thrilled to the Hamas suicide bomber children’s telly show. You lulled the nippers with PediState. You got perforated eardrums from the ballon gun. You got stoopid bricks. You got one of them. And you taught junior to swear like a parrot. Now:

Posted: 10th, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

The Shepherd’s Loaf Retails At £21: More Bread Than Sense

THE Shepherd’s Loaf costs £21. It is a normal sized loaf. If the Shepherd’s Loaf sells, money raised will feed a shepherd for a week. The Shepherd’s loaf comes in a box, a cardboard box.

The Shepherd’s Loaf is a loaf on a mission to guide people to a better kind of bread. Bread that is simply and slowly made with local ingredients to give you a perfect loaf.

What’s in it?

INGREDIENTS: Spelt flour, Cornish sea salt, and water.

STORAGE: This loaf will last at least a week, and is best on day 3.

AWARDS: Highly Commended at the Soil Associations Organic Food Awards 2009

Due to the lengthy baking process, we currently produce a limited batch of the Shepherd’s Loaf.

Meanwhile, Prince Charles has opened a new Highgrove Shop in Milsom Street, Bath. It’s his third store selling ordinary fare with an expensive price tag. If you’re off your loaf, you can shop there…


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Books for sale in the Highgrove Shop in Milsom Street, Bath.

Posted: 9th, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)

Time Magazine Is So Cheap It’s Almost A Free Gift

IS Time magazine something anyone actually reads?

YEARS ago I took out a subscription to Time mag just to get some free gifts – Christmas cracker stuff, as it turned out, writes Madame Arcati.

Long before I cancelled, unread issues lay about in neat piles. Its journalism looked and tasted like mystery meat: highly processed, glazed: not good for the blood pressure. Where was the individual voice? Harshly, I formed the view that anything it claimed or reported – or saw – was probably manufactured to suit its house style gospel. Such is the peril of writing and editing as if attired in a pulpit robe.

Time has never got(ten) over my rejection. Like so many of my ex-lovers, it does not take No for an answer. I hear a plaintive ululation at the door (OK, the letter plate needs oiling) and there on the mat lies yet another billet-doux from Time (Discount Services).

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Posted: 7th, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Chinese Foods Of Walmart: Crocodile Face, Pix ‘n’ Mix Meat And Live Frogs

WE’VE just got back from China where the food is plentiful and covered in a sauce so that you can’t tell what it is. As these pictures from a Walmart in China show, what’s under the sauce might be anything. And that sauce, might not be sauce. Get me a crocodile face sandwich and make it…


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Posted: 5th, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)

The World’s Greatest Paddling Pool: Pictures

SUMMER is here and with it the chance to catch rainwater in a paddling pool. Get a load of that’s swanky My First Inst-set pool. You can all your mates (two of them) can paddle way the balmy days. What can go wrong..?

Want to see what’s in the box? Next page, consumers…

Posted: 2nd, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Six Flags Bans Woman For Guns Tattoo But Exposes Kids To Violence?

THEY won’t allow Samantha Osborn, 30, into the Six Flags Over Texas fun park because she has a tattoo on her chest of a pair of six-shooters surrounded by yellow roses.

The Greatest Tattooed Mugshots Ever

Says she:

“I got it because I love Texas. I thought of cowboys and six-shooters and the yellow rose of Texas.”

She wanted to show off her tatts at the gun park:

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Posted: 28th, May 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Japanese McDonald’s Customer Weighs His Salt Content With Scales

DID you know that McDonald’s sell their chips by weight? The Japanese diner in our video wanted his full quota of 135 grams. He took along a set of scales and noted that he only been given 113 grams. He shows the manager who gives him lots more chips – the Micky D’s drone resisting the urge to make up the weight with salt or a huge greeny…

Posted: 15th, May 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Is KFC Promoting Low-Fat Insect Eating In London?

KENTUCKY Fried Chicken’s Leicester Square branch is not just about good chicken – it’s about flies, a mouse and cockroaches. KFC is nothing if not innovative. KFC might well be champion of entomophagy. The Double Down looked to be pinnacle of good eatin’ But add some protein-rich insects and it just gets better.

Good news for slimmers and anti-fat campaigners, you might suppose, as the fat content of the average KFC bucket is reduced – health inspectors even found one

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Posted: 12th, May 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Waterstones New Logo Is Average And White With Big Saggy Breasts

WATERSTONES has a new brand logo. The bookshop is going to save itself from the online onslaught by seducing customers with a huge pair of saggy breasts. The slogan is “Feel every word”. It might just work. A reader writes that the image dreamt up by those creative wizards reminds her of something else…


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Posted: 11th, May 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comments (4)

Selfridge’s Paloma Faith, Florence & The Machine And Dizzee Rascal In Sounds Of The Mind

ANORAK’s favourite Chromatron Paloma Faith is sat in the window of London’s Selfridge’s department store. She’s in Dorothy’s stripper heels, Jimmy Savile’s hoisted up tracky bums and Mini Mouse’s muffs. It’s a look that can only catch on. Also there is Marina Diamandis, of Marina and the Diamonds. The project called Sounds of the Mind sees the likes of Florence & The Machine, Dizzee Rascal and Hot Chip created a display inspired by their songs. It’s look inside the mind of an artist. Police, the Obscene Publications Squad and the signers’ accountants have been contacted…


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Paloma Faith during the launch of a series of window displays at Selfridges', entitled 'Sounds of the Mind', in Oxford Street, central London.

Posted: 10th, May 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

In Pictures: Harrods Under Al Fayed – Pussy Cat Dolls, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Bra And Stuffed Bears

HARROD’S has been sold by Mohamed al Fayed for £1.5bn to a buyer understood to be the Qatari royal family. Will the shrine to Princess Diana and Dodi Fayed remain in the store? Will Al Fayed now also sell Fulham FC? Will he auction off his collection of vomit ‘n’ cuff shirts? Will Prince Philip use the hallowed urinals (£1 a go) once again? Fayed’s reign at Harrods seemed to be a chance for him to meet famous women and hand them something furry to stroke. On our photo collection, Fayed seemed to have more than passing liking for Jennifer Love Hewitt (11-13), the Pussy Cat Dolls, who all got pet a pussy to pet, Lily Allen (5) and all the girls he’s met before…

You find joy in the simplest pleasures.


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The Pussycat Dolls (from left: Melody, Carmit, Ashley, Nicole, Kimberley and Jessica) share a joke with store owner Mohammed Al Fayed as they open the Harrods Summer Sale, Harrods, west London.

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Posted: 8th, May 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)

The Most Sexually Suggestive Foods: An Updated Gallery

LET’S skip dinner and get right down to it. We can spend the tip on snacks. Anorak presents an updated gallery of the world’s most sexually suggestive foods and beverages – and some that are plain disgusting:


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Posted: 4th, May 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

The Fart-Eating Blanket For A Better Marriage And Brilliant Testimonials

GET the Fart-Eating Blanket for a Better Marriage.

The Better Marriage Blanket is made using the same kind of activated carbon fabric found in Military Chemical Suits.


“Its warm and it works!”
Nate and Kristina, NY

“I have had many restful nights of sleep since we tried the Blanket!
“This is amazing”. –Bonnie and Frank, NY

“Niether of us has had to spend a night on the couch for two weeks and its really warm!”
-Sam and Leanne, NY

“He said: “hey, my f—-s don’t smell anymore!”
Teresa and Frank, NY

“Amazing, Terrific!. I can sleep with myself now!”
Linda, NY

Also acts as a muffler…

Posted: 1st, May 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)

Muslims, Far Right, And Our England Today Unite To Boycott Kentucky Fried Chicken

MORE on the goings on at Lancashire’s Kentucky Fried Chicken outlets. Muslim group Lancashire Council of Mosques, the English Defence League and Our England Today all unite to gang up on KFC. This is progress. This is hamony.

“KFC has approval from the Halal Food Authority (HFA) but the LCM disagrees with the authority’s mechanical slaughtering and stunning methods.

Instead the LCM prefers the criteria of the Halal Monitoring Committee (HMC).”

Says reader Bat E Bird:

So that’s members of the EDL, Our England Today and the LCM who won’t eat it. I wonder what percentage of KFC’s customers they all add up to.

Story so far:

Blackburn’s Anti-Halal Kentucky Fried Chicken Demo: Everyone Battered

Preston Uprising: More On The Kentucky Fried Chicken Halal

KFC Debates Halal Chicken And The Colne Facebook Protest

Posted: 30th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)