Anorak

The Consumer | Anorak - Part 102

The Consumer Category

We bring you the chic and unique, the best and most bizarre shopping offers both online and offline. We offer you tips on where to buy, and some of the less mainstream and crazy, individual and offbeat items on the internet. Anything that can be bought and sold can be featured here. And we love showcasing the best and worst art and design.

Lisa Murphy’s Tactile Minds Is Porn Guess Who: Pictures

HAVING thumbed our braille copy of Playboy, and enjoyed many games of Porn Guess Who (TM), and Blind Man’s Muff, we now deliver a copy of Lisa Murphy’s Tactile Minds. The book for the blind has images of woman and men in the buff. Thanks to advances in cosmetic surgery and porn, you can achieve the same book with bubble wrap and a pump.

touch-me-1

Picture 1 of 5

Posted: 14th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)


With Primark’s Peado Bikini You Can Look Years Younger

WHO wants a “PAEDO BIKINI”? With the Paedo Bikini you will look so young that paedophiles will swarm around you on the beach like Italian wasps around a juicy pear. Nothing makes you feel young and fancied like a Primark Paedo Bikini! It’s a full bodylift in a halterneck.

And the even better news is that that the Paedo Bikini – ask for it by brand name – is on sale to seven years olds in Primark. Right now seven year olds are shunning sweets and Playstation Games to buy a Paedo Bikini.

As the Sun says on its front page, the paedo bikini gives you a “sexy shape”. The Paedo Bikini sells under the motto “too much at too young an age”.

If you kids didn’t want one before, they do now. The breast shapes make them attractive to “predatory perverts”. No word on what the Sun’s Page 3 Chloe, 22, from Leeds makes of it. But her lack of bra tells you much about her disgust.

Says the Sun:

Primark bosses invite parents to send out girls of seven dressed as sex objects to be leered at by paedophiles

Better the children wear simple swimsuits, school uniforms, tracksuits, pyjamas, bikinis, skirts, trousers, boots, salopettes, coats, gloves and burkas which all leave paedophiles cold and render any child immune from turning on a predatory pervert.

Posted: 14th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Faces On Your Cafe Latte: A Gallery

ANORAK presents the faces of your morning café latte. The latte is the upside-down greasy spoon cup of tea. In the old days before the coffee invasion, you needed to finish the drink before discovering a face or a picture of a thumb or hair in the bottom of the brew. With a latte, the answer is on the top. Time to eat some face:

latte-1

Picture 1 of 31

Posted: 12th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


In Pictures: Proof That Kim Jong-il Is A Fashion Leader

KIM Jong-Il is a fashion leader. North Korea’s Gary Glitter prototype is a leader of fashions. AFP reports:

The trademark suit sported by North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il is now in fashion worldwide thanks to his greatness, Pyongyang’s official website said Wednesday.

kim_jong-il_24

Picture 1 of 64

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 9th, April 2010 | In: Fashion | Comment (1)


World’s Worst Restaurant Signs

ANORAK’S consumer spotter brings you a collection of the world’s least appealing restaurant signs. Some are lost in translation, especially where the shrimp is shagging the lettuce. Enjoy…

1

Picture 1 of 17

EU Approves Sale Of ‘Fucking Hell’ Beer

Road Signs – The Bizarre Ones

Posted: 9th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


In Pictures: Lindsay Lohan For 6126 (Knock And Wait)

LINDSAY Lohan will not do porn. Lindsay Lohan does art and leggings. If there were a magazine called Tits And Leggings, granted, Lindsay would be a shoot-in for the masthead. But there isn’t. Yet. And this means that Lindsay Lohan is not a soft porn star. Lindsay Lohan is fashion model for clothing label 6126. Incidentally, Great Portland Street 6126 was the number of Old Mr Anorak’s favourite concubine, ‘The Dowager’, until it was raided and became a private pharmacy (knock 6-1-2-6 and ask for Meow Meow)…

The Most Bizarre And Worst Celebrity Dolls Ever Made

lindsay-lohan-3

Picture 1 of 7

Posted: 8th, April 2010 | In: Fashion | Comment


In Pictures: Selena Gomez For Asda

SELENA Gomez was at the launch of Disney Channel’s ‘Wizards of Waverly Place’ George at Asda fashion range, at One Marylebone in central London. We saw the new teen sensation in her black top and spangly skirt. Also there: Sol Campbell lookalike (NSFW) Alexandra Burke and the increasingly ubiquitous Danielle Lineker, wife to crisp fancier Gary Lineker…

8624196

Picture 1 of 4

Selena Gomez at the launch of Disney Channel's 'Wizards of Waverly Place' George at Asda fashion range, at One Marylebone in central London.

Posted: 7th, April 2010 | In: Fashion | Comments (2)


In Pictures: Arsenal’s Sol Campbell Naked For Give Up Clothes For Good

THE Give Up Clothes for Good campaign enables us to publish pictures of Sol Campbell naked giving a cheeky look over his shoulder and cupping his breasts. Look out for Sol on Page 3. Also naked shots of Bruno Tonioli, Kate Walsh, Julia Bradbury, Christopher Biggins, Sol Campbell, Jasmine Harman, Liz McLarnon, James Anderson and Camilla Dallerup. It’s a TK Maxx, HomeSense and Cancer Research UK campaign for children’s cancer research www.tkmaxx.com. Have you shopped for clothes in TK Maxx? Well, they’d rather go naked…

no images were found

Posted: 6th, April 2010 | In: Fashion | Comments (6)


In Pictures: The Dressed To Kilt Charity Fashion Show With American Idol And Joan Jett’s Knockers

AT the 8th annual ‘Dressed To Kilt’ Charity Fashion Show presented by Glenfiddich at M2 Ultra Lounge in New York, USA, we spotted fat Scot Mike Meyers, Matthew Modine, Kelly Killoren Bensimon, Desperate Housewives’ Kyle McLaughlin, Alan Cumming, American Idol star emeritus Kellie Pickler, Twilight mum Joan Jett, Shani Davis, Thom Evans, Eve Muirhead and did we mention those Joan Jett knockers? Spot the knobs yourselves…

8614778

Picture 1 of 18

Joan Jett walks the runway at the 8th annual 'Dressed To Kilt' Charity Fashion Show presented by Glenfiddich at M2 Ultra Lounge in New York, USA.

Posted: 6th, April 2010 | In: Fashion | Comment (1)


The New KFC Double Down Buries Jamie Oliver In His Bucket Of Hummus

GREAT news for those of you on a low-carb diet is that the new KFC Double Down replaces the bread with two pieces of chicken.

In the middle of the chicken baps lurks a piece of American cheese and some bacon. It’s 460 calories, 23g fat and 1430mg of sodium.

Has the Colonel been watching Jamie Oliver’s fleshy tongue flapping between to massive wet lips in his quest to get protein-rich young Americans to turn away from death and embrace hummus?

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 5th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (4)


Holland’s Muslim Sex Shop And The Pakistan Fetish Factory

SKY News reports on the “first Muslim sex shop”. Which it isn’t. The online El Asira sex emporium is not the world’s first Muslim sex shop. Sure, shoppers can buy massage oils and tablets – all strictly kosher, bruv, and “permissible under Islam”.

Well, so says Abdelaziz Aouragh. And until a mullah says Mr Aouragh is wrong and must be shot in the face, we are not to disagree.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 2nd, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


The Belly Button Bear Fights The Toe Jam Hoodies

FOR the special person in your life, a little big of you to cuddle: a teddy bear fashioned from belly button fluff.

“These charming, tiny bears are made of lint and even have eyes and a nose! They come in a 2.5″ glass jar with a cork and label. Each bear and jar comes in a black satin satchel to keep them safe.”

Safe from the toe jam gang, a rabble of hoodies made entirely from toe jam.

belly-button-bear

Picture 1 of 3

Spotter, via

Posted: 26th, March 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)


Maharajas’ Express Marketing Campaign Leads To Pakistan Invading India, Probably

ABOARD the Maharajas’ Express, passengers are thrilled to be journeying to Kolkata, the Buddhist pilgrimage centre of Gaya and the Bandhavgarh Tiger reserve in the Bay of Bengal.

This, as the advert boasts, is the chance to see “an India like never before!”. It’s not kidding – you can visit New Delhi, which is now located inside Pakistan.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 22nd, March 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Bournemouth Asda Sells Sex Lubricant As Children’s Bath Aide Fun

FROM the Asda store in Bournemouth Castlepoint, Mike Boss receives his home delivery of sexual lubricant for his child’s bath. It’s clean fun!

Can Durex Play Lubricant foam on application? Is it better than the pervy-named Lucky Matey bubble bath Mr Boss had ordered?

Sexy Foods

Matey, rebranded as Wanky in a Young Ones episode, comes in a bottle shaped like a cheery parrot wearing an eye patch. Says Mike:

“We’ve had issues with Asda deliveries before. Last time there were 16 substituted items. But this is taking things to a whole new level – I’ve no idea who could confuse sexual lubricant for children’s bubble bath. When they bring your order they give you a delivery list to check so that you can confirm the substitutes. When I saw what they’d done I was gobsmacked!”

And intrigued?

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 21st, March 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


In Pictures: The Most Bizarre Crisps And Chip Flavours

ANORAK has been to the shops and come back with a packed of lemon-flavour crisps for Tiffin. And they are, surprisingly, disgusting. But so they make it into our gallery of the most bizarre flavours? Ranging from the deliberately self-consciously odd to the tempting to the sick crisps disguised to look like fruits, the gallery follows:

chery-toms

Picture 1 of 41

Posted: 20th, March 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (20)


School Uniform Outfitters Harrods Turns Away Hampshire Scouts Group For Wearing Uniform

THE 1st Bordon Scout Group, from Hampshire, was going to Harrod’s to presumably earn credits for their shopping badge, but was refused entry unless they removed their neckerchiefs and woggles.

A Harrods drone says there is no record of the event – although there is now – and apologised “unreservedly“.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 18th, March 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (4)


Achtung People Of Walmart: Jews To The Showers And Walmart Orders Blacks Out Of New Jersey Store

PEOPLE of Walmart. Achting Achtung! Would all blacks please make their way to the exits.

The announcement at the supermarket in Washington Township, New Jersey, runs:

“Attention Wal-Mart customers – all black people leave the store now.”

Raus!

This reminds us of Jerry Sadowitz joke. He begins his shows by announcing in a cut-glass accent:

Ladies and gentlemen. The show is about to start. Please take your seats. And would all Jews please make their way to the showers. Thank you.”

Back to New Jersey, where shopper Sheila Ellington offers:

“In 2010, I want to know why such statements are being made. It flies in the face of what we teach our kids, and that’s tolerance.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 18th, March 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)


The World’s Most Disgusting Food: A Gallery

DISGUSTING foods are marketable. Pizza Hut can’t all be wrong. Anorak has been trawling the aisles and stock room of Mr Obertelli’s emporium and come up with this gallery of truly revolting confectionary. Enjoy a fruity change to eating your own bogies: Enjoy this gallery of sexy food

lungs

Picture 1 of 24

Posted: 11th, March 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)


The Ironic iPhone App Presents The World’s Worst Company Logos

THE Iphone ICount is a terrific product. François Goldgewicht’s application lets you count on your phone. You can play counting games. It’s just great. The best bit about it is the logo that targets a key iPhone demographic… The ICount presents the world worst corporate logos – updated:

waterstones-logo

Picture 1 of 45

Posted: 5th, March 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


John Lennon’s Citroën Gets The Horn

JOHN Lennon is brought back to life for a car commercial. John Lennon has finally arrived. As TB says, “A Citroën is no psychedelic Rolls.”

But this is not just cashing in.

Beatles Wives And Girfriend- gallery

Sean Lennon, John and Yoko’s son, puts us straight on Twitter:

* “She did not do it for money. Has to do w hoping to keep dad in public consciousness. No new LPs, so TV ad is exposure to young.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 5th, March 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)


Small Hotshot Condoms On Sale For Swiss Pre-Teens

THE Hotshot is the small condom 12-year-old Swiss boys have been waiting for. No embarrassing lips over the chin now boys, as the Hotshot sits atop your head neatly. Price: £4.70 for an optimistic pack of six. Ideal for kids’ bithday parties.

The Hotshot is the result of a story by Switzerland’s Federal Commission for Children and Youth. What they don’t know about under-age sex is not worth knowing.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 3rd, March 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Vivienne Westwood’s Anti-Shopping Fashion Show: Pictures

LONDON Fashion Week: The Vivienne Westwood fashion show was just terrific. The Deceiver reminds us of these words from the designer herself. Keep them in your head as you shop:

“Stop all this consumerism. I just tell people, stop buying clothes. Why not protect this gift of life while we have it? I don’t take the attitude that destruction is inevitable. Some of us would like to stop that and help people survive.”

Now, watch these shots…

8415421

Picture 1 of 29

Pixie Geldof backstage during the Vivienne Westwood show for London Fashion Week, central London.


Posted: 24th, February 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


London Fashion Week: Pixie Geldof Justifies Vivienne Westwood

8417439LONDON Fashion Week introduces Vivienne Westwood continuing her impression of Queen Elizabeth 1st at a  Toyah Willcox concert.

Anorak’s new fashion blog does fashion so very well, as only our new editor can. We meanwhile sit back and marvel as Pixie Geldof models on the catwalk at the Vivienne Westwood fashion show, staged at the Royal Courts of Justice.

This is justice? Peaches Geldof gets the bras and little sister Pixie gets the big fashion show. You want justice? Can Peaches handle the justice..?

Vivienne WestWood For London Fashion Week 2010

Posted: 22nd, February 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)


London Fashion Week In Pictures: Charlie Le Mindu Changes The Guard

LONDON Fashion Week in pictures: The Charlie Le Mindu catwalk show was terrific. Anorak has spent the past few hours asking weekend staff (Bronco Pete who sleeps on the stairs) what Charlie Me Mindo designs? She knows, of course. We think it’s sherbet lemons or sporrans. Turns out its merkins and hair in general…

Kanye West’s Robot Lover Amber Rose’s Naked View At Charlie Le Mindu: NSFW Photos

8401835

Picture 1 of 26

A model on the catwalk at the Charlie Le Mindu fashion show, held at the On/Off venue as part of London Fashion Week.

Posted: 20th, February 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)


The Twilight Manillow: Smother The One You Love With Robert Pattinson’s Or Taylor Lautner’s Face

THE Twlight Manillows are magic. We have no idea what  any fans of Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner would do with a Manillow and are unsure it is is even legal to imagine keeping on in your sock drawer or on your granny’s face. But it is allergy proof. And get the love doll

1

Picture 1 of 5

Etsy Via Pink is the New Blog

Posted: 17th, February 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)