The Consumer | Anorak - Part 104

The Consumer Category

We bring you the chic and unique, the best and most bizarre shopping offers both online and offline. We offer you tips on where to buy, and some of the less mainstream and crazy, individual and offbeat items on the internet. Anything that can be bought and sold can be featured here. And we love showcasing the best and worst art and design.

Marmite Sues BNP And Hitler’s Tizer

WHAT do you have more: the BNP or Marmite? Not white Marmite – black marmite? A jar of Marmite appears in the top left-hand corner of a video broadcast on the BNP’s website. Says Marmite:

”It has been brought to our attention that the British National Party has included a Marmite jar in a political broadcast shown currently online.”

Hurrah. It’s the best of British!

”We want to make it absolutely clear that Marmite did not give the BNP permission to use a pack shot of our product in their broadcast. Neither Marmite nor any other Unilever brand are aligned to any political party.”

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Posted: 22nd, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)

The Backtacular Gluteal Cleft Shield Endorses Your Bum Crack

INTRODUCING the “Backtacular Gluteal Cleft Shield”, a sticker that prevents your bum crack from being visible over the top of your jeans. Now your arse crack can be endorsed. Fashionistas will love the sticker that costs just 11 euros. Cover your slit in glory. Or why not make your own with forgetfully dabbed hunk of toilet paper?

The Most Disgusting Tattoos (NSFW)
Tattoos – The Tramp Stamp
Tattoos: The Misspelled Ones

Spotter: Popbitch

Posted: 20th, April 2010 | In: Fashion | Comments (5)

Coca Cola Brings You The Taste Of Karl Lagerfeld

THANKS to Coca-Cola Light, we now have answer to the perennial question: “What does Karl Lagerfeld taste of?”

To our minds, the Chanel designer looked like he tastes of essence of cloves over a base notes of wet rubber sheeting. But it turns out the man in the know is blend of vegetable flavourings, sugary substances, cola extract, bubbles and aluminium.

Says the bottle:

“The designer affixes his style and his famous silhouette on the bottle and delivers an exclusive creation with chic lines and also a unique box in limited edition, accompanied with a bottle-opener discreetly hidden in a drawer.”

Buy it via Colette for $60. Goes with th Karl love doll – look for it in our gallery below:


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Posted: 19th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)

In Pictures: Grace Kelly: Style Icon Exhibition Arrives In London’s V&A

JOAN Collins was the star turn at the Victoria & Albert Museum in central London, for a private viewing of ‘Grace Kelly: Style Icon‘, an exhibition about the life of Princess Grace of Monaco. Also there was walking raindrop Ringo Starr arrives and his wife Barbara, Charlene Wittstock and Prince Albert of Monaco, the tireless (it says here) Countess of Wessex, and the The Weed In Tweed that is Prince Edward.


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Joan Collins arrives at the private view of Grace Kelly: Style Icon, at the Victoria and Albert Museum in central London.

Also there: Nancy Dell’Olio, Dasha Zhukova, Danielle De Niese, Paul Smith Ringo Starr and Barbara Bach

Posted: 16th, April 2010 | In: Fashion | Comment

Walkers World Cup Crisps Skip The Pudding

WALKERS has a new range of flavours out in time for the World Cup. It’s a national dish explosion. No Scotland, which means no roast Mars Bar and lard flavour; and no Zimbabwe either, depriving crisp adventurers of the taste of burnt skin. What there are, however, are these flavours: French Garlic Baguette crisps, Dutch Edam Cheese, English Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding, America Cheeseburger’ Brazilian Salsa, German Bratwurst Sausage, Argentinean Flame Grilled Steak and Japanese Teriyaki Chicken.

As you can see, no afters. But how can you have any sweets if you don’t eat your meat? Cheap protein all round!


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Posted: 15th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)

For Sale: Marilyn Monroe’s Chest X-Ray

TO Julien’s Auctions in Las Vegas to bid for Marilyn Monroe’s chest X-Ray from 1954.

Also for sale, Monroe’s vat of Channel #5, and her therapist’s chair.

Spotter: Animal NY

X Ray Horror

Posted: 14th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)

In Pictures: Miranda Kerr Undoes The Peado Bikini

MIRANDA Kerr shows you that you don’t need the Paedo Bikini to look younger. Miranda Kerr is wearing a bikini for Ayyildiz Swimwear. So great is the bikini that in open still Miranda looks keen to escape it. She undoes the ties but – no, no – this is not soft porn: this is bikini modelling at the bleeding edge. Get a load of that bikini that makes everyone who wears it look like Miranda Kerr. Stretch to fit…

Miranda Kerr in pictures (NSFW)


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Spotter: Ego-tastic

Posted: 14th, April 2010 | In: Fashion, Key Posts | Comment

Lisa Murphy’s Tactile Minds Is Porn Guess Who: Pictures

HAVING thumbed our braille copy of Playboy, and enjoyed many games of Porn Guess Who (TM), and Blind Man’s Muff, we now deliver a copy of Lisa Murphy’s Tactile Minds. The book for the blind has images of woman and men in the buff. Thanks to advances in cosmetic surgery and porn, you can achieve the same book with bubble wrap and a pump.


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Posted: 14th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)

With Primark’s Peado Bikini You Can Look Years Younger

WHO wants a “PAEDO BIKINI”? With the Paedo Bikini you will look so young that paedophiles will swarm around you on the beach like Italian wasps around a juicy pear. Nothing makes you feel young and fancied like a Primark Paedo Bikini! It’s a full bodylift in a halterneck.

And the even better news is that that the Paedo Bikini – ask for it by brand name – is on sale to seven years olds in Primark. Right now seven year olds are shunning sweets and Playstation Games to buy a Paedo Bikini.

As the Sun says on its front page, the paedo bikini gives you a “sexy shape”. The Paedo Bikini sells under the motto “too much at too young an age”.

If you kids didn’t want one before, they do now. The breast shapes make them attractive to “predatory perverts”. No word on what the Sun’s Page 3 Chloe, 22, from Leeds makes of it. But her lack of bra tells you much about her disgust.

Says the Sun:

Primark bosses invite parents to send out girls of seven dressed as sex objects to be leered at by paedophiles

Better the children wear simple swimsuits, school uniforms, tracksuits, pyjamas, bikinis, skirts, trousers, boots, salopettes, coats, gloves and burkas which all leave paedophiles cold and render any child immune from turning on a predatory pervert.

Posted: 14th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Faces On Your Cafe Latte: A Gallery

ANORAK presents the faces of your morning café latte. The latte is the upside-down greasy spoon cup of tea. In the old days before the coffee invasion, you needed to finish the drink before discovering a face or a picture of a thumb or hair in the bottom of the brew. With a latte, the answer is on the top. Time to eat some face:


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Posted: 12th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

In Pictures: Proof That Kim Jong-il Is A Fashion Leader

KIM Jong-Il is a fashion leader. North Korea’s Gary Glitter prototype is a leader of fashions. AFP reports:

The trademark suit sported by North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il is now in fashion worldwide thanks to his greatness, Pyongyang’s official website said Wednesday.


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Posted: 9th, April 2010 | In: Fashion | Comment (1)

World’s Worst Restaurant Signs

ANORAK’S consumer spotter brings you a collection of the world’s least appealing restaurant signs. Some are lost in translation, especially where the shrimp is shagging the lettuce. Enjoy…


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EU Approves Sale Of ‘Fucking Hell’ Beer

Road Signs – The Bizarre Ones

Posted: 9th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

In Pictures: Lindsay Lohan For 6126 (Knock And Wait)

LINDSAY Lohan will not do porn. Lindsay Lohan does art and leggings. If there were a magazine called Tits And Leggings, granted, Lindsay would be a shoot-in for the masthead. But there isn’t. Yet. And this means that Lindsay Lohan is not a soft porn star. Lindsay Lohan is fashion model for clothing label 6126. Incidentally, Great Portland Street 6126 was the number of Old Mr Anorak’s favourite concubine, ‘The Dowager’, until it was raided and became a private pharmacy (knock 6-1-2-6 and ask for Meow Meow)…

The Most Bizarre And Worst Celebrity Dolls Ever Made


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Posted: 8th, April 2010 | In: Fashion | Comment

In Pictures: Selena Gomez For Asda

SELENA Gomez was at the launch of Disney Channel’s ‘Wizards of Waverly Place’ George at Asda fashion range, at One Marylebone in central London. We saw the new teen sensation in her black top and spangly skirt. Also there: Sol Campbell lookalike (NSFW) Alexandra Burke and the increasingly ubiquitous Danielle Lineker, wife to crisp fancier Gary Lineker…


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Selena Gomez at the launch of Disney Channel's 'Wizards of Waverly Place' George at Asda fashion range, at One Marylebone in central London.

Posted: 7th, April 2010 | In: Fashion | Comments (2)

In Pictures: Arsenal’s Sol Campbell Naked For Give Up Clothes For Good

THE Give Up Clothes for Good campaign enables us to publish pictures of Sol Campbell naked giving a cheeky look over his shoulder and cupping his breasts. Look out for Sol on Page 3. Also naked shots of Bruno Tonioli, Kate Walsh, Julia Bradbury, Christopher Biggins, Sol Campbell, Jasmine Harman, Liz McLarnon, James Anderson and Camilla Dallerup. It’s a TK Maxx, HomeSense and Cancer Research UK campaign for children’s cancer research Have you shopped for clothes in TK Maxx? Well, they’d rather go naked…

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Posted: 6th, April 2010 | In: Fashion | Comments (6)

In Pictures: The Dressed To Kilt Charity Fashion Show With American Idol And Joan Jett’s Knockers

AT the 8th annual ‘Dressed To Kilt’ Charity Fashion Show presented by Glenfiddich at M2 Ultra Lounge in New York, USA, we spotted fat Scot Mike Meyers, Matthew Modine, Kelly Killoren Bensimon, Desperate Housewives’ Kyle McLaughlin, Alan Cumming, American Idol star emeritus Kellie Pickler, Twilight mum Joan Jett, Shani Davis, Thom Evans, Eve Muirhead and did we mention those Joan Jett knockers? Spot the knobs yourselves…


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Joan Jett walks the runway at the 8th annual 'Dressed To Kilt' Charity Fashion Show presented by Glenfiddich at M2 Ultra Lounge in New York, USA.

Posted: 6th, April 2010 | In: Fashion | Comment (1)

The New KFC Double Down Buries Jamie Oliver In His Bucket Of Hummus

GREAT news for those of you on a low-carb diet is that the new KFC Double Down replaces the bread with two pieces of chicken.

In the middle of the chicken baps lurks a piece of American cheese and some bacon. It’s 460 calories, 23g fat and 1430mg of sodium.

Has the Colonel been watching Jamie Oliver’s fleshy tongue flapping between to massive wet lips in his quest to get protein-rich young Americans to turn away from death and embrace hummus?

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Posted: 5th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (4)

Holland’s Muslim Sex Shop And The Pakistan Fetish Factory

SKY News reports on the “first Muslim sex shop”. Which it isn’t. The online El Asira sex emporium is not the world’s first Muslim sex shop. Sure, shoppers can buy massage oils and tablets – all strictly kosher, bruv, and “permissible under Islam”.

Well, so says Abdelaziz Aouragh. And until a mullah says Mr Aouragh is wrong and must be shot in the face, we are not to disagree.

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Posted: 2nd, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

The Belly Button Bear Fights The Toe Jam Hoodies

FOR the special person in your life, a little big of you to cuddle: a teddy bear fashioned from belly button fluff.

“These charming, tiny bears are made of lint and even have eyes and a nose! They come in a 2.5″ glass jar with a cork and label. Each bear and jar comes in a black satin satchel to keep them safe.”

Safe from the toe jam gang, a rabble of hoodies made entirely from toe jam.


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Spotter, via

Posted: 26th, March 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)

Maharajas’ Express Marketing Campaign Leads To Pakistan Invading India, Probably

ABOARD the Maharajas’ Express, passengers are thrilled to be journeying to Kolkata, the Buddhist pilgrimage centre of Gaya and the Bandhavgarh Tiger reserve in the Bay of Bengal.

This, as the advert boasts, is the chance to see “an India like never before!”. It’s not kidding – you can visit New Delhi, which is now located inside Pakistan.

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Posted: 22nd, March 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Bournemouth Asda Sells Sex Lubricant As Children’s Bath Aide Fun

FROM the Asda store in Bournemouth Castlepoint, Mike Boss receives his home delivery of sexual lubricant for his child’s bath. It’s clean fun!

Can Durex Play Lubricant foam on application? Is it better than the pervy-named Lucky Matey bubble bath Mr Boss had ordered?

Sexy Foods

Matey, rebranded as Wanky in a Young Ones episode, comes in a bottle shaped like a cheery parrot wearing an eye patch. Says Mike:

“We’ve had issues with Asda deliveries before. Last time there were 16 substituted items. But this is taking things to a whole new level – I’ve no idea who could confuse sexual lubricant for children’s bubble bath. When they bring your order they give you a delivery list to check so that you can confirm the substitutes. When I saw what they’d done I was gobsmacked!”

And intrigued?

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Posted: 21st, March 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

In Pictures: The Most Bizarre Crisps And Chip Flavours

ANORAK has been to the shops and come back with a packed of lemon-flavour crisps for Tiffin. And they are, surprisingly, disgusting. But so they make it into our gallery of the most bizarre flavours? Ranging from the deliberately self-consciously odd to the tempting to the sick crisps disguised to look like fruits, the gallery follows:


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Posted: 20th, March 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (20)

School Uniform Outfitters Harrods Turns Away Hampshire Scouts Group For Wearing Uniform

THE 1st Bordon Scout Group, from Hampshire, was going to Harrod’s to presumably earn credits for their shopping badge, but was refused entry unless they removed their neckerchiefs and woggles.

A Harrods drone says there is no record of the event – although there is now – and apologised “unreservedly“.

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Posted: 18th, March 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (4)

Achtung People Of Walmart: Jews To The Showers And Walmart Orders Blacks Out Of New Jersey Store

PEOPLE of Walmart. Achting Achtung! Would all blacks please make their way to the exits.

The announcement at the supermarket in Washington Township, New Jersey, runs:

“Attention Wal-Mart customers – all black people leave the store now.”


This reminds us of Jerry Sadowitz joke. He begins his shows by announcing in a cut-glass accent:

Ladies and gentlemen. The show is about to start. Please take your seats. And would all Jews please make their way to the showers. Thank you.”

Back to New Jersey, where shopper Sheila Ellington offers:

“In 2010, I want to know why such statements are being made. It flies in the face of what we teach our kids, and that’s tolerance.”

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Posted: 18th, March 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)

The World’s Most Disgusting Food: A Gallery

DISGUSTING foods are marketable. Pizza Hut can’t all be wrong. Anorak has been trawling the aisles and stock room of Mr Obertelli’s emporium and come up with this gallery of truly revolting confectionary. Enjoy a fruity change to eating your own bogies: Enjoy this gallery of sexy food


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Posted: 11th, March 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)