TV & Radio | Anorak - Part 94

TV & Radio Category

Television and radio programme reviews, trailers, highlights, twilights and cinema news. Also the neglected gems from years past.

Pie Jeus, There Are Eleven Andrew Johnstons

andrew-johnston.jpgMORE news on Andrew Johnston, the UK’s latest Pie Jesu singing sensation.

In the Mirror, readers get to hear from Andrew Johnston Senior, who says that he’s not been the best dad, hasn’t seen his boy since December, but hopes to help his namesake realise his dream of winning TV’s Britain’s Got Talent, marrying a Welsh rugby player, having a baby and dying his skin orange.

Ooops! Sorry. That’s Pie Jesu singer Charlotte Church’s career to date.
Young Andrew is his own man. Indeed. Andrew is eleven young men having been named Andrew Aaron Lewis Patrick Brannock John Grieve Michael Robert Oscar Schmidt Johnston.

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Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)

BBC Thefts Account For BBC3 And Robert Kilroy-Silk

kilroy-silk.jpgNEWS just in that the BBC has been “hit by £350,000 thefts”.

The Mail’s report is no slight on Anthea Turner’s wages, but a comment on the 73 computers, 39 phones, camera equipment, Famous Five cassettes, a Holby City ladder, food and drink, and a good luck card that were stolen from the BBC last year.

A BBC source says this is no sign of a crimewave and that the figures are small given the number of staff employed by the corporation.

But if it’s not nailed down it can be stolen. And you viewers can play your part in keeping the BBC safe. We urge you to watch BBC3 lest is be stolen in the dead of the night.

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Posted: 14th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment

Andrew Johnston Eats Pie Jesu

WHEN Charlotte Church sang Pie Jesu on TV’s Big Big Talent Show, a nation wept.

We’d heard it before of course, when former Mrs Andrew Lloyd-Webber Sarah Brightman sang it; when pubescent snowman Aled Jones sang it; when Madonna sang American Pie; when every keen –to-get-along child sang it.

So here’s Andrew Johnston singing it on TV’s Britain’s Got Talent. He’s the “schoolboy who sang away the bullying bullies.” Young 13-year-old Johnston says he has been bullied for singing but will not be stopped.

And Johnston’s sympathetic backstory does end there. The Mail says he lives on a council estate…in the north of England. He lives there with his mother. His father left when he was eight-months old. “On occasion she had to feed her children on bread and milk.”

Sweet Jesus, how can this boy not win? Only a godless, child-hating swine would not vote for him to be Britain’s Most Talented Pie Jesu singer of the year.

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Posted: 14th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (30)

Gordon Brown On American Idol: Malaria No More

GORDON Brown is on American Idol. Really…



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Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (3)

Madonna’s Live Earth Rain Dance Works

madonna-rain-dance.JPG“IF you want to save the planet I want you to start jumping up and down. Come on motherf*****,” says Madonna to her Live Earth audience.

We jump. A few jump and talk on the phone. They call the BBC and complain that the language broadcast is foul.

The Mail says that the BBC, received calls from more then 100 viewers. Ofcom says the BBC broke the rule and must apologise.

But what fo the jumping? It seems to have worked. The BBC says that the UK is facing a wet and warm summer this year.

The Express (Global warming? No it’s getting COLDER”), says the world has cooled down in recent years.

Keep jumping. It’s a motherf******* rain dance…

Posted: 10th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comment

Gordon Brown Is Not Ben 10

GORDON Brown is talking on the local radio in Oxford.

The Sun tunes in. It hears and that the PM can’t get the theme song for children’s TV show Ben 10 out of his head.

No, not Ben No.10. Gordon Brown would not stoop to dog whistle politics, tapping into listeners’ subconscious.

This is Ben 10, the character created by a company called Man of Action. This is Ben 10 who finds a device that gives him the ability to transform into a variety of life forms, each with their own unique powers. He can be all things to all people.

This is Ben 10, who encounters Kevin, a sociopath with flicky hair who eventually morphs into a hideous amalgam of Ben’s original ten forms. Kevin teams up with the yellowy Vilgax, and together they try to do down Ben 10.

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Posted: 10th, April 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Chanelle Hayes Wants It But Doesn’t Have It

BIG news in the world of popular music as Chanelle Hayes, Big Brother alumni, releases her debut single, a track called I Want It.

It features the line:

“I’ve got something that you’d like to know,
I’m a sexy lady,
Drive your crazy
Make your bedroom mo-ho”

No doubt that Chanelle would drive us crazy, stark raving mad, even. To test the theory Anorak has secured our resident Lithuanian coffee maker, Aras, to a pair of headphones and will force him to listen to Chanelle morning noon and night for seven days.

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Posted: 8th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (7)

I’d Do Anything: Amy’s A Toe-In And Betting Odds

sarah_ferguson-anything.jpgAMY’S audition for Sarah Ferguson: The Engagement Years continues for another week.

The ginger hair, the lurid frilly, fussy hideous dresses and the fetish for open-toed sandals, alleged, are all reminiscent of young Fergie in her pomp.

Free £10 bet

Such a reason surely lies behind the fact that Amy is 250-1 on the Betfair markets to be named as I’ll Do Anything’s Nancy.

If Amy wants to improve her chances, we suggest she goes for the Bianca Jackson look, the EastEnders harridan whose return to the soap brought with it an upsurge in viewing figures.

On the telly, we like our gingers boisterous and feisty. Amy needs to break some cups and start calling Lloyd Webber Andaaaaaayyyy.

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Posted: 7th, April 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

BBC ‘Scared’ Of Islam

THE BBC is scared of Islam, says Ben Elton.

Writes Dizzy:

How refreshing it is to see that Ben Elton has accused the BBC of being scared of Islam. In an interview with ‘Third Way’, a Christian magazine, he has said the BBC hides behind the idea of moral sensibilities but really it’s ‘because they’re scared’. He also questioned why Christianity was a valid target with for example jokes about vicars but not ones about Immans.

Absobloodylutely! That’s what I say. I’m not a Christian myself, but I can understand why God Botherers get so irritated by the way their faith is easily ridiculed by the secular world but other faiths, in particular Islam, is not. No one has the right not be offended after all, and Islam should be ridiculed, just as much as Jehovah Witnesses, Catholics, Hindus, Buddhists and whatever other faith you can think.

If we are, as many have argued, engaged in an ideological struggle against Islamism (however great), then for us to show deference to the special interests of Islam as a whole then it puts the values of Western ideology on very shaky ground. If the BBC had balls it would buy Little Mosque on the Prairie from the Canadians for a BBC2 night time slot.

It’s a top show. Even better than the Heaven And Earth show…


Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (6)

Gay Men Do Alan Sugar’s The Apprentice

alan-sugar-gay.jpg IT might be the pointy finger that does it, but whatever the reason the Star says “GAYS” are “SWEET” on Alan Sugar, human resources director of BBC TV’s The Apprentice.
“Apprentice sex shock for Alan,” says the paper.

Reading on we learn that while some kinkier “gays” will doubtless fancy Sugar’s bristly charms, it is his would-be apprentices who possess the allure.

It turns out that Sir Alan Sugar has become a gay hero after hiring a workstation of handsome chaps.

We’d like to chip in and say that Sugar is unlikely to have chosen the show’s agonists, all of whom are surely plucked from reality show central casting:

Nicholas de Lacy-Brown – The idiotic toff with the idiotic toff’s name has already left the show.

Raef Bjayou – The ethnic representation with a name that sounds like something uttered by an ejaculating donkey. Bjayou looks like the toilet attendant in the Bates Motel.

Lee McQueen – Best name of the bunch. McQueen should appeal to the gays.
Says Lee: “If you missed something in the earlier part of your life, you’ll find it again before your time is up.”

Old Mr Anorak The Elder once lost a stuffed brown bear only to be reunited with it seconds before his death when his son and heir pushed it on a roller skate into his room to the accompanying sound “Boo!”

Kevin Shaw – Kevin has excitable hair and the look of a Division 2 footballer. Says Kevin: “I will take no prisoners in the boardroom and will nail anyone who gets in my way.” Translation: I am fixated by crucifixion and death.

Simon Smith – Simon says: “I’m too soft at times – I fall for the little old lady factor.” Simon is the Essex boy contestant most likely to try and pull Sugar’s mother.

Michael Sophocles – A swarthy Telesales Executive sat in his pod dreaming of world domination. Get this “I am single minded and will manipulate others if necessary to get to the prize.” Translation: I can only think of one thing at a time and have no friends”

Ian Stringer – The token Celt. Ian gives the best quote of all: “There are two kinds of people in the world. Winners and… I don’t know how to spell the other word. I can’t say it…” Translation: I have a peech imthediment and am crip at speeling.”

Alex Wotherpoon – No nonsense Northerner. Says Alex: “I expect people to obey clear instructions. If this doesn’t happen I become annoyed.” You can hear the production team mouthing “You’re fired” as he entered the room.
All in all, an utterly unfanciable, unlovely bunch of l… What was it again, Ian? No, not lovers. Close. Try again…

Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (4)

Kelly Osbourne Is Slapped Happy

kelly-osbourne1.jpgKELLY Osbourne is in conversation with US chat show 20/20 about Kelly, Kelly and all things Kelly. Says she:

“I remember one night being woken up by my mom punching me in the back so that I started breathing again in bed, and I had pissed myself in my sleep. I’m sorry, but at 20 years old, to wake up by your mother trying to resuscitate you in a bed of your own piss, that is mortifying.”

Indeed,it’s much more the accepted thing to be slapped conscious by a Greek policeman in Faliraki.

Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (4)

Behold The Flying Penguins

YOU’LL believe a penguin can fly.


The BBC series Miracles of Evolution features the flying penguins

Camera crews happened upon a colony of Adélie penguins on King George Island in the South Atlantic.

Isn’t a flying penguin called a puffin?

Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Photojournalism, TV & Radio | Comments (7)

I’d Do Anything Latest Betting Odds

joseph-is-oliver.JPGJODIE is the favourite the win I’d Do Anything.

Jodie, 4-1 on the Betfair markets, has been on TV before, winning the ‘The Biggest Loser’ show.

No, not a televised talent contest to play Hale & Pace, rather a show wherein agonists competed to lose the most weight.

Open to one and all, the programme nonetheless favoured those of a heavier build. Jodie won after losing 8 stone. If, say, the typical footballers’ wife or model had tried the same thing, they would now weigh no more than a garden pea.

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Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Hope Floats For Ant ‘N’ Dec’s Row Idol And The Sunken Boat Race

boat-race-sinking.jpgPAST the bell at Arling and Hobbs and down to river for the big one. In 179 years of the Varsity Boat Race, Oxford and Cambridge have featured in them all.

Some say this makes the Boat Race predictable and old fashioned. But we say it represents the future, and other sports, chiefly football’s Premier League could surely do worse than dispense with all teams other than the richest duo of Manchester United and decide who wins the league title on penalty shoot out, or, indeed, a boat race.

Of course, even then the title can be decided in the opening salvos.

As TV Boat Race commentator Peter Drury tells the Telegraph: “There have been some exciting, tight races, but there is always the possibility that by Hammersmith Bridge you know who’s won, and you still have 10 to 12 minutes to run. That’s what I’ve been preparing for. You can’t sit and watch those dead minutes and hear the commentator say, ‘that is X, a 23-year-old from X college, studying X…’.”

Indeed, not. You need to know the rowers height and weight, what pub the boat is passing and a hotline to Stephen Fry and Clive Anderson.

But enlivening the race can be tricky.

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Posted: 29th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment

The Real Homer Simpson

real-homer-simpson.gifTHE Real flesh and blood Homer Simpson…

Posted: 28th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism, TV & Radio | Comment

EastEnders’ Bianca Jackson Five

THE Jackson Five are impoverished, says the Star, or not, say two of the Jacksons.

To give its readers some kind of idea of what the Jacksons now look like, the Sun has an image of one Bianca Jackson, who lives in Walford, in London’s East End.

From left to right: Colin, Michael, Joe, Jackson Pollock and Samuel L. Jackson…

Posted: 28th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (3)

BBC Radio 4 Newsreader Laughs At Abby Mann’s Obituary

YOU are listening to BBC Radio 4 laughing at the obituary for Abby Man, the writer of Judgement At Nuremberg and episodes of Kojak – click the image to play…


Posted: 28th, March 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (5)

Ken Layne On The X-Files And 9/11

THE X-Files borefest predicted 9/11 and the World Trade Center murders:

Anyway, Variety asked these people about the bizarre “coincidences” between the X-Files, its short-lived 2001 spin-off The Lone Gunmen, and why Condi Rice is such a terrible liar. This is because the pilot episode of The Lone Gunmen is about corrupt Defense contractors and evil government officials flying a passenger jet into the World Trade Center so they can blame it on terrorists and start a lucrative series of anti-terror wars to boost defense-sector profits in the post-Cold War era. This was shown in May 2001 on FOX, and it got such terrible ratings that nobody noticed it was about 9/11, which happened a few months later…


Posted: 27th, March 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

The Reality TV Virus Kills Native Peruvian Indians

reality-tv.jpgMARK And Olly is must-see TV for anyone interested in witnessing tribes on the brink of destruction.

Mark Anstice and Olly Steeds, two British presenters, would live with a remote tribe in New Guinea. In preparation, the film crew are considering other dwindling tribes, and visiting the Yomybato tribe of Peru.  .

And get it while you can because reality TV film company Cicada Films, the power behind such documentaries as “Ancient Plastic Surgery” and “Fat Fiancées,” strands accused of spreading disease among the indigenous populations.  Four of that tribe are dead and others are sick

Whereas once native Indian tribes received beads and smallpox in exchange for being exploited, they now get fifteen minutes of TV fame and MRSA.

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Posted: 27th, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

The Bulgarian Mariah Carey, With Ken Lee

THE Bulgarian Mariah Carey, With Ken Lee…

Indeed. It is better with the sound turned down…

Posted: 25th, March 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Getting Your Nancys In A Twist: I’d Do Anything

hooker.gif“MEET the Nancys,” implores the I’ll Do Anything website.

No, not Graham Norton. Looking for a Nancy is the BBC’s big joke.

“Welcome to Nancy School,” says Denis Van Outen to the assembled would-be Nancys and, naturally, host Graham Norton.

Or just Graham. This is “Oliver”. There’s a voice coach who once starred in “Phantom”. We’re looking for Nancy. The Olivers appeared. We saw “Arthur”. We met “Joseph”.

The show is only one week old and we’re already on first name terms with everybody.

One person who doesn’t have one name on the show is Andrew Lloyd Webber, who, greedily, has three.

And there’s Francesca, who has two names – one real name and one stage name. Francesca has just been working with the aforesaid Denise, the show’s judge. So that means lots of room for contentious decisions and scandal.
She also looks Sharon from EastEnders.

She should do well.

John Barrowman (a Nancy judge), Graham and Denise then put cards of each Nancy on a table and chose which ones they liked. The gang then called the Nancys into a room and told 18 of them “You could be Nancy” and the rest “You could not be Nancy”.

Such is the desire to be taken for a 19th Century prostitute, that the girls are either elated or crushed.

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Posted: 25th, March 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

The Sun Was Hotter Jade Goody Was A Star

goody-jade-sun.jpgJADE GOODY has been involved in a “nightclub brawl”, or a “nasty catfight”.

A spokesperson for Jade later insisted “she had NOT been asked to leave the club”. Sun readers learn that “Jade was a victim of an unprovoked attack by another girl. She tried to defend herself and was not asked to leave.”

The Sun has the scoop; its news following the front-page thoughts of Omar Bakri and musings on McCartney and Mills.

It all adds up to the Sun’s nostalgia special. Very soon the paper will be published by a rheumy-eyed robot pressing F9 on the keyboard and creating an organ from bits of editions past…

Posted: 25th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment

Big Brother 9 Is TV Bird Flu

big_brother_jade_goody.jpg“BIG BROTHER GOES NUDE,” announces the Star’s front-page headline.

“Housemates forced to appear totally NAKED!” It’s “BARE BRUV.”

The Star goes on to talk of a “love loft” in which housemates can “get jiggy”.

Fans of the show – one and all – will recall the chicken coop, the pen in which good layers were harvested and bred.

In one series the birds contracted a disease and had to be contained.

Big Brother 9 – it’s TV bird flu…

Posted: 20th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment

Non-PC PC With Kelvin MacKenzie, Hardeep Singh Kohli And Lembit Opik

hardeep.gifIT’S political correctness gone mad. IT’S the Non-PC PC story. It’s a literary genre in its own right.

Today Kelvin MacKenzie plays the game by listening to comedian Hardeep Singh Kohli calling LibDem MP Lembit Opik “Lemsip”.

Says MacKenizie in the Sun: “Lembit has an Estonian background and is therefore going to have an Anglo-Saxon name, in exactly the same way as Hardeep.”

Well, not exactly the same way. We are no experts on Estonian names, but Hardeep does sound more Asian in origin than Baltic.

Says MacFrenzie, who met both Hardeep and Lembit on the celebrity version of The Apprentice: “Supposing Lembit has referred to him as Hardup, then almost certainly there would have been a massive ‘race row’.”

Or not. MacKenzie says the unsayabale, Toothpik gives a watery smile and Hardeep gets a call to play Baron Hardup in Cinderella…

Posted: 20th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment

Ryan Seacret Apparently In Details

ryan-seacrest-photoshopped.pngRYAN Seacrest is the host of American Idol, the TV talent show.

That’s him on the right. And, apparently, that’s him on the left.

Of course, this is all part of being a celebrity.

In Ebony magazine, we’d expect to see Ryan with darker, curlier hair, more gererous lips and the complexion of a frappucchino. The cover of Swine Practicioner has Ryan with a porcine nose and pinker skin.

And so on…

Posted: 17th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism, TV & Radio | Comment