Anorak

National Enquirer Category

The National Enquirer’s weekly look at life in the Hollywood Hills, with zip-on hair, inflatable breasts and someone else’s spouse

Elvis: ‘I was kidnapped and tortured’ and Brad Pitt loves Jennifer Aniston

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Brad Pitt still loves Jennifer Aniston. The National Enquirer breaks the news. In doing so the magazine finds reason to restore Pitt and Aniston to its front page, which is lucky. We have to wade into the magazine, not reading more until page 10, where we learn of Brad’s “rekindled” romance with ex-wife No. 1 Jennifer Aniston.

A “source” tells that Brad has “never stopped loving Jen”. And what speaks more of timeless love than divorce, 13 years of separation and marriage to Angelina Jolie? Sainted Jolie will be doubtless delighted to learn that Jen is the only women Brad ever truly loved. 

Bigger news from that that is news that Elvis Presley has been “kidnapped and tortured”. Can it be that didn’t die but was stolen to order, possibly by a nefarious Eastern mogul who wanted Elvis to croon for him and him alone?

The truth, according to the NE, is revealed in a “trove” of secret letters Elvis penned 50 years ago. Apparently in reaction to Harum Scarum, a 1965 movie flop starring the singer, thugs drugged, kidnapped and abused The King. The villains ripped off Elvis’ clothes, burnt his flesh with lit cigarettes and a red-hot poker, kicked him repeatedly, forced him to drink a blood cocktail, injected him with all manner of drugs and stabbed him in the leg with a corkscrew. He was “near death” when he was rushed to hospital. All true. And all revealed in letters Elvis sent to “Hollywood spiritual advisor Carmen Montez”. Sadly, she and Elvis are both dead – but you can read all about in a new book by someone who isn’t. 

Lastly, Jennifer Garner is to “secretly” marry John Miller. When they will secretly marry is unsaid, but should it happen remember: you read it first in the Enquirer… 

Posted: 26th, November 2018 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, National Enquirer, News | Comment


Madeleine McCann in hijab horror

Did you “remember Madeleine McCann” this summer, heeding the advice of Mirror columnist Fiona Phillips to not “let your holiday be the one we all read about”? You all must of because the papers did not make single mention of any new child getting kidnapped on holidays, let alone launch into a voracious feeding frenzy as the media did in 2007 when Madeleine McCann became ‘Our Maddie’. Eleven years on, Operation Phillips is a success. Cheers, Fi, we don’t know how many children your advice to “forgo all of the adult holiday pleasures all over again to make sure our kids were safe” saved. Maybe none. Maybe one. Phillips has a story:

I thought of this when I read about Janet Alexander who’s suing Thomas Cook after her daughter was “abducted” from a holiday kids’ club.

Was the child abducted or not? Pull up a sun lounger and play detective.

She left five-year-old Rose at a supervised play area at their hotel in Turkey while she took her other daughter scuba diving. When she returned an hour later there was no sign of Rose. Janet thought her daughter was dead or faced being abused.

Was she?

Thankfully, another guest spotted Rose near a main road with a strange woman wearing a hijab.

It seems a pretty safe bet to say that Janet doesn’t wear an hijab and this was not a case of mistaken identity. It might also be that women in hijabs arouse more suspicion among columnists than those who do not, or are very good at helping kids who have wandered off cross the road. Discuss.

And here’s some more, also via the Mirror:

A frantic search for the child was then launched and Janet has described seeing staff turn to a woman in a hijab and speak to her in Turkish…

In Turkey!?

It is believed the ordeal came to an end 40 minutes later when another hotel guest spotted the blonde youngster walking with a woman in a hijab near a main road within the hotel grounds.

If only we knew what colour hair the hijab woman has we could form a better opinion of her intentions. Blonde hair: likelihood of innocence high (see Myra Hindley); dark hair: likelihood of guilt high (see Mother Teresa).

As that legal matter grinds on, we rejoice in the news that the case of Madeleine McCann has been “SOLVED!” So goes the National Enquirer’s front-page headline, which heralds the the story of a convicted pedophile who allegedly stole Madeleine McCann. Who is this wine? Well, he’s dead. He died a year ago. His name? Dunno. But he is “This man kidnapped little girl & sold her into slavery!” Fact! And where’s Maddie? “She’s still alive,” declares the Enquirer. But where? Dunno. Maybe they’ll find out in time for next week’s deadline.

Meanwhile, the South West Londoner website has conducted a poll:

We went out into the streets of Wimbledon and asked: “Should the government stop spending money searching for Madeleine McCann?”

Yes: 72% No: 28%

How many women wearing the hijab were questioned is not stated. But you just know most of them who were said ‘NO!’

 

Posted: 28th, August 2018 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, National Enquirer, News | Comment


The plot to kill Prince George

The National Enquirer’s “world exclusive” is unequivocal: “ISIS Kill Plot Foiled! Sniper Caught Stalking Prince George!” An ISIS sniper in London got that close to the heir? How close? Well, there’s photographic proof. “This chilling image shows the heart-stopping moment that little Prince George cheated death!” thunders the magazine of record. A figure at a window “appears to be holding a rifle and looking down at the two royals.”  The caption chills: “Under the gun!”

 

national enquirer prince george kidnap

 

Well spotted, NE, because to the rest of us the gun looks uncannily like a camera. The ISIS sniper is also disguised. The bearded, gurning loon looks like a bloke with what might be a smartphone. He’s having a gander at George as the lad is trotted off to school surrounded by men with gun that look like guns.

It’s another lucky escape or G. It was only last October that the NE uncovered a plot to kidnap him. Terrorists were going to snatch Prince George and demand a $50million ransom to his safe return. “This is as real as it gets!” a Royal “insider: told the Enquirer. “It could have been the biggest disaster in the history of the monarchy. For Prince William and his wife, it must be a living hell!”

 

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ISIs

 

A bigger disaster than Prince Edward’s Royal It’s A Knockout, Princess Diana dying in Paris tunnel, the English Civil War, King Edward VIII being a Nazi, King Harold being shot in the eye, the pathetic sight of King Canute trying to hold back the waves,  Sarah ‘Fergie’ Ferguson? This:

This?

national enquirer apoogy dodi diana sex

 

“According to the information, which is being kept from the public, a small terrorist cell spent weeks hatching a plan to snatch George, either at school or on the 3.5-mile car ride to or from his family’s home in Kensington Palace,” says the source, publicly.

Of course, the NE knows that something might happen. The fantasy needs a kernel of fact to keep the readers reading. After all, Princess Anne was almost kidnapped. In May 2018 an Islamic State supporter named Husnain Rashid, of Nelson, Lancashire, wanted young George to be targeted. He posted a photo of George’s school superimposed with silhouettes of two masked jihadist fighters. He wrote:  “Even the royal family will not be left alone. School starts early.” He also mused on poisoning fruit, vegetables and ice-cream in stores.

Rashid got no closer to George than a post on social media. When police arrested him, the jihadist pretended to faint. He lived with his mum and dad. He was 32.

But it could happen, and should it let now-one say the NE never warned you…

Posted: 28th, June 2018 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer, Royal Family | Comment


Is Cher Dead?

On December 2014, Cher had three months to live, reported the National Enquirer.

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Seven months later Cher was dead.

 

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Cher is not dead.

 

 

Posted: 21st, November 2015 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer, Reviews | Comment


Gary Coleman ‘Murder’: The Unknown Intruder (Pictures)

GARY Coleman, star of TV’s Diff’rent Strokes is dead, but there is no peace. Before the shock revelation that he might have been Michael Jcakson’s love child, news of his “murder”.

The Enquirer republishes that picture of Gary Coleman on his death bed. And the headline:

“GARY COLEMAN WAS MURDERED”

The article tells of Coleman’s “blood-spattered home”. An “expert” says the “blood spray patterns could indicate he was struck with a blunt object or shoved.”

Could it? The article doesn’t say if the blood is Coleman’s. But we can all speculate as to how blood got on wall.

Why A ‘Murdered’ Gary Coleman Is Good For Business: NSFW Pictures

“An enemy or thief could have snuck into his home, attacked him and staged the scene to look like an a accident.”

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Posted: 15th, June 2010 | In: National Enquirer | Comment


Angelina Jolie’s ‘Secret Affair” With Married Hollywood Star

ANGELINA Jolie is embroiled in a “CHEATING SCANDAL”. So says the National Enquirer, which also says that this alleged cheating scandal “EXPLODES!”

Angelina Jolie pictures (NSFW)

This is one dynamic cheating scandal, readers. Says the NE:

“Caught in secret affair with MARRIED actor”

This is:

“Her secret affair with Ethan Hawke.”

A source says that Jolie and Hawke met in 2003 – when he was married to Uma Thurman – and “couldn’t keep their hands to themselves”. We do not know why it is “secret”, only that there are rumours of an affair on the internet. The web also has rumours that lizards control the world and Cheryl Cole is the nation’s sweetheart. But we digress.

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Posted: 8th, June 2010 | In: National Enquirer | Comments (4)


Jennifer Aniston’s Dangerous Online Dating Game: Brad Pitt Reacts

BRAD Pitt has “freaked out” over Jennifer Aniston’s “SHOCKING LOVE GAMES!” The National Enquirer pictures Brad with his beard that looks as if he’s peering through an old nanny’s (goat) legs and Aniston fiddling with her hair, as is her wont.

Angelina Jolie (NSFW)

Inside the magazine, and Brad is telling Jen to stoop playing “dangerous games” with her love life. News is that Jen has been looking for love on the web. Yep, that “ambitious, needy, middle-aged divorcee with own shampoo” is, allegedly, Jennifer Aniston looking for the real deal.

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Posted: 2nd, June 2010 | In: National Enquirer | Comment


Angelina Jolie And Johnny Depp ‘Busted’ And ‘Seduced’

IS Angelina Jolie getting “too close” to Johnny Depp? The Enquirer seems to think so as it screams:

“ANGIE & JONNY BUSTED!”

“Depp’s lover catches couple getting too close.”

Vanessa Paradis, for it is she, is “furious” after “catching him in the arms of Angelina Jolie”.

Taxi for Vanessa!

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Posted: 11th, May 2010 | In: National Enquirer | Comments (12)


Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Downs Syndrome Twins?

HAS the National Enquirer cooked up the most speculative headline of all time as its front page looks at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and screams:

“TWINS HEALTH SHOCKER! Tragic Down’s Syndrome reports surrounding Vivienne and Knox”

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Posted: 28th, April 2010 | In: National Enquirer | Comments (16)


Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Marry And Jennifer Aniston Finds That Nail

JENNIFER Aniston is in “agony”. And Angelina Jolie is marrying Brad Pitt. The Enquirer’s front page hints at these two shockers being related.

When we first read it we supposed Gerard Butler had lost a finger nail up Aniston’s crevice. But inside the magazine in the know we find out that Aniston is set to have her heart broken by Brad marrying Angelina.

It turns out that Aniston’s heart was not broken by Brad Pitt dumping her, divorcing her and then – oh, yes, reader – only then shagging Angelina Jolie and touring the globe as a divine force of good.

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Posted: 27th, April 2010 | In: National Enquirer | Comments (15)


Angelina Jolie’s Horror Skirt And Jennifer Aniston Saves A Kitten

IS this baby Number 7 for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? The National Enquirer wonders. The story of the story is ringed in red ink: a large dotted circle about Jolie’s abdomen. Is she pregnant?

Well, if she is it’s preferable to the alternatives that she’s putting on weight, wearing a bad skirt?

While we have a heated debate about Jolie’s womb, the Enquirer does as ever it does and shares the Bragelina-themed front-page news with a story of Jennifer Aniston.

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Posted: 20th, April 2010 | In: National Enquirer | Comment


American Idol: Ryan Seacrest And Simon Cowell Are ‘Separated By Technicians’

SIMON Cowell and Ryan Seacrest, judge and host on American Idol, are being “separated by technicians”.

So says the National Enquirer and who are we to argue? If the technicians can’t separate Seacrest and Cowell, maybe the surgeons can. And if not them, then the lubers, mechanics and fishermen.

The story goes that Seacrest and Cowell were not separated because they had become co-joined or in someway entwined, one stuck within the other, but because they had been rowing.

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Posted: 13th, April 2010 | In: National Enquirer | Comment (1)


Angelina Jolie Orders A Brad Pitt Facelift: Pictures

BRAD Pitt has been ordered by his erstwhile lover Angelina Jolie to “Get a Facelift”. This is the National Enquirer’s BRAD PLASTIC SURGERY SHOCKER!

This shocker would be if a Hollywood A-lister would not get some work done. Lately, Brad has taken to wearing a hat and a beard. Anorak assumed that this was doctor’s orders and Brad was planning to combat any hair lost by having his head surgically turned 180 degrees and upper lip pulled up and over to make Brad skin smoother than his new chin…

Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt – A Romance

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Angelina Jolie appearing in the film Mojave Moon. Half Length.

Posted: 13th, April 2010 | In: National Enquirer | Comments (3)


That Jesse James Love Child And Michelle McGee’s Slap-On Burka: Pictures

THE Enquirer has news that Jesse James “may” have fathered a love child by one of his mistresses. Or may not have. The story goes that James preferred to deliver his Vanilla Gorilla au natural and not shrink wrapped in insulation. Odd indeed that the man who has spent so long covering his arms – and partied with Michelle McGee, a woman who covered her face in Kendo Nagasacki’s slap-on burka – should have failed to cover his arse and pecker.

Story continues after gallery:

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The Enquirer’s story – “Sandra hubby love child shocker” – is based on news that Melisa Smith – the “sexy blonde stripper” who looks just like the actor Mel Smith in a wind tunnel – has been spotted buying a pregnancy test kit in LA.

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Posted: 7th, April 2010 | In: Key Posts, National Enquirer | Comment (1)


Jennifer Aniston’s Baby With Gerard Butler And The Bombshell

JENNIFER Aniston is going to be a mum. We know this because the National Enquirer screams: “JEN BABY BOMBSHELL!” Bombshell McGee?

In Pictures: Jennifer Aniston’s Insulting ‘Fake Relationship’ With Gerard Butler And…

And it is bombshell. Just as it was in July 2009:

“JEN’S BABY NEWS STUNS BRAD! – Jen tells Brad I think I’m pregnant”

And in May 2009

“A MOM AT LAST!”

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Posted: 7th, April 2010 | In: National Enquirer | Comment


Sandra Bullock’s ‘Pregnancy’ And Jesse James Hitler Surf Board, Pictures

SANDRA Bullocks and the “monster ” Jesse James No, not a Vanilla Gorilla. Well, not only. A monster. The Enquirer says that having allegedly shagged Michelle McGee, Melissa Smith (yeah, Mel Smith), and Posh totty Brigitte Daguerra, James is now one part of a £250 million divorce.

The story of James shagging walking tapestries is getting a little tired. And while we wait for Mystery Woman No.4 to tell all via a cartoon on her forehead, the Enquirer introduces “HER PREGNANCY HEARTACHE”.

Before that, know that James, allegedly, owns Nazi memorabilia, which might see him score a job at Human Rights Watch and so set about salvaging his image.

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Posted: 30th, March 2010 | In: Key Posts, National Enquirer | Comment (1)


Jennifer Aniston’s Brad Pitt ‘Meltdown’

WANT to hear about Jennifer Lopez’s “FURIOUS SHOWDOWN WITH BRAD”. That’s Brad Pitt. You do? Well, step this way. And you can also learn “Why she was left in tears”.

Before we invited our hair language expert to analyse what Brad’s trash bin diver’s beard says to Jennifer’s silky hair, the National Enquirer says “sobbing” Aniston has had a “full-on meltdown following a vicious argument with ex-husband Brad Pitt”.

Angelina Jolie Pictures (NSFW)

There then follows one of the most ironic stories of all time. You will note that ever since Bradgelina released the lawyers on the NoTW for saying they had split up, stories of Pitt and Jolie have been supportive and, well, nice.

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Posted: 23rd, March 2010 | In: Key Posts, National Enquirer | Comments (3)


Angelina Jolie’s ‘Lust’ for Vanessa Paradis And Johnny Depp’s Delight

ANGELINA Jolie and Brad Pitt are taking in the sights and shops of Florence as Ange films The Tourist with Johnny Depp. Yes, Angelina and Johnny Depp are working together. Cue the rumours of romance. Here’s the National Enquirer’s front-page headline:

Angie’s lust for Depp’s lover!

Eh?

She wants Vanessa, NOT Johnny.”

Vanessa Feltz? Vanessa Perroncel? No – It’s elfin French singer Vanessa Paradis, last seen getting into Joe’s taxi and having children with Depp. “Sources” say that Jolie wants to romance her. The news is so incredible that the Enquirer repeats it in big yellow ink:

“ANGIE HOT FOR JOHNNY’S GAL – It’s NOT Depp she wants, it’s sexy Vanessa.”

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Posted: 16th, March 2010 | In: Key Posts, National Enquirer | Comments (7)


Hurt Locker’s Jeremy Renner Dates George Clooney’s Mother

NOT since Anderson Cooper showed up in public with the muscle-bound manager of a successful New York gay bar has such a fuss been made over the sexuality of a public feature.

Ever since actor Jeremy Renner got kudos – and an Oscar nomination – for his performance in The Hurt Locker, the sex detectives have been all over the poor guy.

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Posted: 13th, March 2010 | In: National Enquirer | Comments (2)


Brangelina Have 3 Months To Live, Says Doctor

BRAD Pitt and Angelina Jolie will split on June 15 2010. We know this because the National Enquirer breaks the post-NoTW embargo on Bradgelina split stories and screams from its front page:

“ANGIE AND BRAD – 3 MONTHS TO SAVE RELATIONSHIP!”

In other words:

“BRANGELINA HAVE 3 MONTHS TO LIVE”

Angelina Jolie Pictures (NSFW)

And not only Brad and Ange are back on the NE’s cover. There’s Jennifer Aniston, who illustrates:

“His shocking confession about Jen.”

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Posted: 9th, March 2010 | In: Key Posts, National Enquirer | Comments (5)


Jennifer Aniston ‘Betrayed’ By Acting Gerard Butler

butler-anistonHEADLINES like Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston are having a “Trial marriage” may have inadvertently created the impression that Jen and Ger are dating. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Sure, they groped and snogged – Aniston straddles Butler – but The Bounty Hunter is not a fly-on-the-wall reality TV show but a film, with a script and lots of pretending.

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Posted: 2nd, March 2010 | In: National Enquirer | Comment (1)


Angelina Jolie Wins, Brad Pitt Toes And Jennifer Aniston’s Goer: Photos

john-mayer-crackWHEN the National Enquirer got wind that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were suing the News of The World over fables of their “divorce”, it panicked. It scouted around for a new love interest to feature on its front pages every week. It settled upon John Mayer, who would sit squeezed between Jessica Simpson and Jenifer Aniston – two exes.

Angelina Jolie & The Tourist kiss

But then Mayer began to flap his mouth, talking about his penis and sex with Simpson. The thing about Brangelina is that they do not talk much. The deal seems to have been that the Enquirer spoke about them and the couple remained mute, not bothered to respond because in doing so they would give the NE a bigger story.

If Mayer is talking now, chances are that he’d respond to stories of  black rubber sheets and sex toys and so scupper any front-page shockers.

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Posted: 2nd, March 2010 | In: Key Posts, National Enquirer | Comments (10)


National Enquirer Panic: Angelina Jolie Is ‘Saintly’ And Jennifer Aniston Marries Gerard Butler: Pictures

jen-ange1ANGELINA Jolie and Brad Pitt sue the News of The World for saying they’ve split, get spotted at the Super Bowl rutting like adolescents, and for the first time in years, the National Enquirer’s lead story of Jennifer Aniston does not feature an accompanying “source-say” piece about Brangelina in CRISIS.

Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt – A Romance

And get this from the Enquirer:

“Angie’s new-golden status comes as welcome relief following a month of shocking stories about her personal life with partner Brad Pitt.”

Stories you might have read in the… National Enquirer, which now calls Angelina Jolie – get his – “saintly”. Like Jen – only saintlier (read this).

Angelina Jolie (NSFW)

As for the story that breaks the mould, Aniston is said to be in a “TRIAL MARRIAGE” with Gerard Butler and a £110m prenup”

Well, so sources say…

Angelina Jolie (NSFW)

Posted: 16th, February 2010 | In: Key Posts, National Enquirer | Comments (2)


Brad Pitt ‘Breaks Down’ As Angelina Jolie ‘Taunts’ Him

angelina-jolie-brad-pitt1BRAD Pitt and Angelina Jolie are frotting and rubbing and groping at the Super Bowl. It’s entertaining stuff, keeping the fans thrilled in those long boring bits between the adverts. Brad and Ange are together. But still the National Enquirer hammers away at the couple that have already split, or not. This week, readers are told:

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Touch Up Super Bowl: In 70 Pictures

“BRAD BREAKS DOWN! He can’t take any more.”

“ANGIE TAUNTING HIM”

“JEN HURTING HIM”

Brad and Angelina are suing the NoTW for saying they’d split up. We spot Brad and Ange getting off with each other. Or as the Enquirer says:

“BRAD CAN’T TAKE ANY MORE!”

Readers learn of the “misery of his personal life” and that Brad is in the “deep, dark pit of despair”. He is “falling to pieces.”

READ: Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie: Sex Toys, Jennifer Aniston ‘Romps’ In Pictures

“Angelina would like nothing more than for Brad to crawl back to her on his hands and knees, begging her for a reconciliation. But there’s no way that’s going to happen.”

So says the source. But hasn’t Brad already been on all fours?

Angelina Jolie (NSFW)

Fore more facts check out these pictures of Brad and Ange playing around with each other at the Super Bowl.”

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Touch Up Super Bowl: In 70 Pictures

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Marriage Is ‘Over’: Fact

Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt – A Romance In Pictures

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Break-Up Pictures

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Posted: 9th, February 2010 | In: National Enquirer | Comment