We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.
Jane Fryer sees the picture of the kangaroos “in the shade of a Australian mango tree”. She sees the “last loving embrace for a dying kangaroo”. Fryer says the male kangaroo “tired to revive his mate” as his little joey looked on.
The loving male’s revival technique, says Australian Museum Principal Research Scientist Dr Mark Eldridge, involves attempting to insert his penis into her dying body.
Says the expert:
There is a story behind the images, but not the anthropomorphised version of true love that has accompanied the images in publications. The male, which appears to be lovingly “cradling the head” of the female as she dies, is actually in a state of sexual arousal.
“The male is clearly highly stressed and agitated, his forearms are very wet from him licking himself to cool down. He is also sexually aroused: the evidence is here sticking out from behind the scrotum (yes, in marsupials the penis is located behind the scrotum).”
Kangaroos are extremely sensitive to heat, says Dr Eldridge. Furthermore, the kangaroo is not, unfortunately, “propp[ing] up her head so she could see her joey before she died”. Instead, says Dr Eldridge, “this is a male trying to get a female to stand up so he can mate with her.”
Cancel the Disney movie.
David Bowie is being praised in death by such unlikely sources as the BBC, Daily Mail and every other media outfit who favours the safe over the daring.
The Daily Star is leading calls for a State Funeral.
When did David Bowie become the Queen Mother? He never drank that much…
How dod I beat back pain? Funny you should ask. The Daily Express has news on just how to beat back pain.
Standing up and moving forward – i.e. walking – can help.
Giles Shedrick has facts:
Seven in ten people have suffered recurring neck or back twinges for more than a decade, research has shown. The pain has forced three in ten to take time off work. Last year almost 10 million sick days were taken.
This augments Giles’s previous reports:
The official figures show seven people in 10 have lived with recurring neck or back pain for more than a decade and three in 10 took time off work last year… The number of sick days caused by the condition rocketed by 29 per cent to almost 10 million in the year to 2014.
The British dead tree Press utterly missed David Bowie’s death. The USA had a few hours more to digest news of the Thin White Duke’ passing. And it still managed to balls it up:
David Cameron has died. Well, so says Fiona Winchester, a newsreader for Heart FM.
Whoops! Her mistake.
That’s David Bowie who died. Spot the difference?
One Coroner in court has shared his response to cross-examination:
The Daily Star once supported the EDL. The paper today brings news that “MIGRANT PERVERTS” are a “THREAT TO UK GIRLS”.
Surely more perverts means more customers for the Daily Star (see more on the paper’s Page 3) and the paper’s owner Richard Desmond’s porn TV stations, on which you can watch such wholesome films as Jim Slip’s Euro 18s and A Filthy Idiot Abroad.
So much for the foreign pervs. What of the news?
Matthew Young writes:
“Women in Britain have been warned they could be targeted by immigrants arriving from the Middle East.”
Well, they could be. They could also not be.
Criminal gangs carried out sex attacks in four cities across Germany on New Year’s Eve, assaulting and robbing 150 women.
The Sun newspaper loves Wotsits and those people who eat the cheesy puffs.
I’ve lived on Wotsits and chocs for 12yrs – 2008
Back then we met Rachel Scowcroft, 12, who had eaten one hot meal in her life: “her nightly dinner of Rice Krispies covered in melted chocolate.”
“It’s not that I’m trying to be awkward. But whenever I try new food I get scared. I don’t like anything that’s not crunchy – or anything that’s too crunchy.”
You silly bunch of wotsits! – 2006
MUM Hilary Buckland has blasted a council which fined her £75 for dropping a Wotsit snack out of her car window.
Wotsit all about? James Corden has not let U.S. success stop the snacking – 2015
Says TV’s James:
“There’s a British shop two minutes away from my house. I go in and they’re holding a bag of Wotsits for me.”
Bigfoot ate my Wotsit! – 2015
The Sun cheated a little. This was no Wotsit:
Twice divorced Adam Davies – a former call-centre worker turned monster detective [!!!!] – has spent almost 20 years and £60,000 tracking the hairy knuckle-dragger across the globe without ever once catching sight of him. If only he hadn’t gone to his tent when the monster dropped by for a Cheeto – a US snack similar to a Wotsit.
I hit 20st scoffing 10,000 bags of Wotsits and giant choc bar every day for 5 years – 2016
Meet Jo HUMPAGE (our capital letters.) Says Jo Humpage:
“When I nipped to the shop in the morning to get milk, I’d buy a super-sized Dairy Milk bar and six bags of Wotsits. I’d eat the chocolate on the way home then munch the crisps throughout the day.”
Mysteriously, she put on weight.
Every few months, Jo — who is married to HGV driver Ros, 43 — expanded by another dress size.
Non-British readers may wonder what all the fuss is about. A Wotsit is a decent enough snack. But what it lacks in nutrients it more than compensates for in its name. Saying ‘Wotsits’ is enjoyable. It’s pretty much the entire point of the Sun’s Food Beat: find a Wotsit story.
Danczuk: a look at Labour MP in the media.
The Sun: “Karen Danczuk probed by police over oral sex claim against sex-text MP’s ex”
EXCLUSIVE: Selfie queen claimed love rival romped with married MP
It’s tight sportswear fan Karen Danczuk, the woman for whom the internet is but a virtual mirror.
SIMON Danczuk’s former wife Karen faces a police probe after accusing his ex-girlfriend of sleeping with another Labour MP. The selfie queen hit out at Claire Hamilton, who had said shamed Danczuk was unfit to be a politician.
Two things in reverse order: we get the MPs we deserve. Is Danczuk a good constituency MP? Dunno. Is a media hound? Yep.
Karen, 32, who has been supporting her ex-husband since his split from Claire last month, tweeted: “You forgot to say which married Labour MP gave you oral sex 24 hours before getting with SD.”
STD? Ooops! Sorry. Our mistake. It’s SD. And which married Labour MP is being hinted at?
Claire, who last night denied the allegation, demanded Karen remove it from Twitter.
Great, isn’t it, this story of sex, sex, selfies, sex, sex, tweets, sex and uniforms.
Karen refused so Claire called cops, who are investigating.
The police? A tweet is police matter. In our country a tweet is a potential crime. The politicians made that happen. See, you get the politicians you deserve.
Claire, 32, said: “I’m prepared to take legal action because I can’t have that. She’s just trying to slander me because I revealed that Simon was texting a 17-year-old girl.”
Which he was.
When The Sun approached the married Labour MP Karen was referring to, who we are choosing not to name, he also denied it. He said: “That’s absolutely outrageous. I’ve never had a relationship with Claire Hamilton.”
Who mentioned a relationship? What about sex?
In other news…
The Indy: “Labour MP Simon Danczuk facing police inquiry over rape allegation”
Lancashire Police have confirmed that a complaint has been made against Mr Danczuk, the MP for Rochdale, regarding an alleged incident that occurred in 2006, according to the Manchester Evening News.
A spokesman for the force told the paper said: “We can confirm that we have today received a report of a rape against a 49-year-old man relating to an historic offence from 2006. Enquiries are in the very early stages and are ongoing.”
This is getting dark.
The Mail: “Simon Danczuk is being investigated for RAPE say police, as he is heckled outside his own office by ex-wife Karen’s brother – who is also facing rape charges.”
Responding to the investigation, the Rochdale MP described the rape allegation made against him as ‘malicious, untrue and upsetting’. He added: ‘The police have not been in touch with me but I will co-operate fully with any inquiries and am confident my name will be promptly cleared.’
Let’s hope he doesn’t drop dead. Given the frenzy over dead celebs, the star paedo-hunter could have all manner of mud lobbed in the hole.
A spokesman for the Rochdale MP said he could not comment further on the police investigation. However, speaking to reporters earlier today, Mr Danczuk said: ‘I would always cooperate with the police in any regard in any investigation in relation to any issue.’
MP supports police! Read all about it!
Around 20 protesters gathered outside Mr Danczuk’s constituency office in Rochdale this morning calling for him to resign, including Karen’s Danczuk’s brother. Michael Burke, who is accused of a string of historic sex offences against three alleged victims, was photographed heckling the embattled MP as he left his constituency office to face the crowd of protestors.
And then get this:
The 38-year-old security guard, who is Mr Danczuk’s former step-brother, was charged in October with 11 counts of rape, five counts of indecent assault and one count of attempted rape.
Rochdale’s not a town – it’s a Petri dish.
The last words are with Simon:
“I don’t think I will be expelled from the Labour party, I think when they carry out the internal investigation – which I will cooperate fully with – they will conclude that, whilst I made one or two foolish mistakes, it doesn’t warrant me being expelled from the party. So I’m quietly confident that they will conclude I’ll remain a Labour member of parliament… I do think there is an interesting dichotomy between people like Boris Johnson, who make a lot of money as a member of Parliament and indeed as Mayor of London, whilst writing for the Daily Telegraph and the right-wing media and who has a very colourful personal life.”
Name Boris’s wife. Go on. Can you?
“And yet a working class lad like me in Rochdale, who writes for some of the national newspapers and has a working class colourful personal life, I get lambasted, whilst Boris, playing it out with debutantes and all the rest of it in this upper-class world, doesn’t get lambasted. And I think there is still very much an establishment, class issue going on in terms of, you know it’s a sociological issue is this, about how some of this stuff plays out, I think it’s quite interesting.”
Nah. Stick to the shagging. That’s got us hooked…
Snuff TV’s Jihadi John 2 – the replacement for the first Jihadi John who left the planet in series 1 – is Siddartha Dhar. The Star says Dhar “fled Britain with his wife and child after police missed a chance to confiscate his passport when he was arrested.”
Either that or they let him through to infiltrate IS and spy for the British.
Spying is part of Dhar’s resume. In his recent TV debut, Dhar can be seen by five men ebing executed as alleged British spies. How was Dhar able to “breeze through Europe” thanks to Britain’s “shoddy security”? Bow does he know who and who is not a spy?
Dhar, 32, we learn, hails from London E17. That’s Walthamstow, north-east London. That’s staunch Spurs and West Ham territory. But the Sun says Dhar’s an Arsenal fan.
You need more to distrust Dhar?
He used to work as bouncy castle operative!
His sister Konika Dhar said the terrorist’s voice sounded “a bit like” her brother. But she did not believe it was him. Ms Dhar said: “If it is him, bloody hell am I shocked? I am going to kill him myself. He is going to come back and I am going to kill him if he has done this.”
If he comes back?
“I can’t believe it. This is just so shocking for me. I don’t know what the authorities are doing to confirm the identity. But I need to know if it is.”
Most likely they’ll kill him with a drone and then rake over the remains for his teeth.
Dhar, 32, a member of banned group al-Muhajiroun, appeared on the BBC, Channel 4 and Al Jazeera and told a CBS News 60 Minutes programme on radicalisation in the UK he could not love his mother because she was not a Muslim.
Dhar’s mum Sobita says:
“I really have to get confirmation within myself that’s it’s him before I confirm it. I heard the voice, yes, but I don’t know. I’m not sure of the voice. I just cannot say… He was sensitive, very sensitive. He was shy, very shy.”
So that’s why he wears a balaclava.
The Sun says Dhar is now known as Abu Rumaysah. That’s an anagram of ‘Arab Ya Humus’.
Oh, and he converted to Islam from Hinduism.
You need more?
Michael McFeat, 39, of Abernethy, is in Krygyzstan, where he works at the Kumtor gold mine.
As part of the Hogmanay celebrations, McFeat is served a sausage horse meat dish called the chuchuk. He considers the hideous lump of meat and thinks it looks like a horse’s penis, opining:
“The Kyrgyz people queuing out the door for their special delicacy the horse penis!!!”
Colleagues are outraged.
McFeat is contrite, posting on Facebook:
“I would like to take the opportunity to sincerely apologise for the comment I made on here about the kygyz people and horses penis. I truly never meant to offened anyone and im truly sorry as it was never my intension. I would also like to say the people in the picture had absolutely nothing to do with it. again im very very sorry.”
Mr McFeat is under arrest. And you just know what’s for breakfast, lunch, Tiffin and din-dins in the local choky, don’t you. Pass the horse penis, Jock. Easy on the mayo…
To West Jordan, Utah, then, where Sgt. Keith Bronson of the West Jordan Police Department says the the fight ensued after a board game was turned over and the boy couldn’t find all the pieces.
“We find that people have a wide range of coping skills,” Sgt. Bronson said. “Some of them are good and positive and some of them are not. Of course, this was a good example of what not to do – when you become angry and decide to take on the adults in your house.
“Specifically with a gift that they’ve given you just a few days earlier. I’m glad we were able to get there and bring stability to this situation as quickly as possible. We would encourage parents or people who are in charge of young people to call police as soon as they feel their own anger is getting out of hand. Police officers can often get in there quickly and and help diffuse a situation if we can be contacted early enough.”
Bad losers, you have been warned.
This is the Charlie Hebdo’s cover for the anniversary of the Paris massacre: “The assassin is still out there.”
Don’t let the censors win.
The polic are such wags:
Keeping up with the Danczuks: a look at Labour MP and anti-paedo activist Simon Danczuk and assorted women in the tabloids.
Daily Mirror (Page 7): “Shamed MP to sue over ex’s claim he is sex predator”.
Mrs Danczuk Number 1, Sonia Rossington, claims her then husband had sex with her while she asleep. She was, she alleged, asleep before the sex began. She did not drop off during the act. Now Simon is to “take legal action” over those claims.
A ‘close friend” of his tells the paper, “If some of the allegations Sonia makes are true then why didn’t she go to the police at the time.? Why is she only coming out with this now?”
Maybe the same pal can ask that question of Jimmy Savile’s alleged victims and other people who have made recent claims to have been molested by the great and not all that good?
The Sun (front page): “Danczuk: It’s time to pray.”
“Shamed” MP Simon and Mrs Danczuk Number 2 Karen are at a church.
We learn that his first wife, the aforesaid Sonia, “had been paid by men for group hotel romps”.
Pages 8-9: “1st Missus was orgy sex worker” – “an escort who took part in paid orgies.” We don’t know if that’s true. But you might have encountered Stephanie36HH – those letters not a reference to her pencils, rather her breasts.
The Sun also reminds us that Simon exchanged “horny” texts with teenaged Sophena Houlihan, aka Goddess Rosalie Von Morelli, who used to sell bras, knickers (both used) and toenail clippings.
A Sun “source” claims Sonia “told a pal he wanted to put hair-removal cream in Karen’s shampoo”.
Daily Mail (Pages 14-15): “Danczuk ‘got so drunk he forgot he sent sex texts to girl, 17”.
Curse that autocomplete! We can only be thankful that drunk Simon never expressed his desire to spank someone else on his Twitter feed. Moreover, let us give thanks Simon never fell awkwardly on his phone and had it inserted up his arse. A hundred vicars in A & E shudder at the idea and vow never to use a mobile whilst naked ever again.
Conclusion: it could be worse.
The Mirror leads with John II, reporting that a British nutjob has been filmed apparently murdering 5 men accused of spying for Britain.
When Yael Biran fell and broke her elbow, the mother of two sought treatment at her nearest NHS hospital in Lewisham, London. Her experience led to a bought to letter writing:
Simon Danczuk, the sleazy Labour MP for Rochdale, is wrapped around the news like a randy middle-aged man at a bridal shower. The smart move would be for mired Simon to undergo a sex change and emerge as Margaret, or Cherie, a sultry temptress who can make a decent stab at being Woman of the Year, thus cementing his role as the British man / woman most likely to shag a Kardashian, or become one.
Let’s round-up the news.
Sunday Times (front page): “Wives at war over Disgraced Danczuk”
On the cover we see sportswear enthusiast and nipple wrangler Karen Danczuk, Simon wife Number 2.
The scandal engulfing the Labour MP for Rochdale erupted in sexual claims and counter-claims after both his ex-wives, his former girlfriend and the young woman with whom he was caught exchanging sex messages became engaged in a war of words.
Pull up a chair. This is juicier than a Gwyneth Paltrow dinner party.
Danczuk accused Sonia Rossington, the mother of his two oldest children, of demanding a “six-figure sum” to “dish the dirt on me” by peddling “untrue allegations . . . of a criminal nature”.
In an interview with The Mail on Sunday, Rossington claimed that he had driven her into therapy with drug and alcohol-fuelled bullying and obsessive demands for sex.
More on that later. For now, Simon says:
“She has chosen not to take them to police but to a newspaper instead… She has not moved on and remains embittered to the point where she has prevented me from seeing or having a close relationship with my children. She has also become obsessed with trying to ruin my political career.”
He’s issued a statement:
“Ever since I was elected an MP in 2010 she has been pestering journalists, trying to spread malicious falsehoods and defamatory allegations about me. I am led to believe she’s been trying to get newspapers to enter a bidding war, asking for a six-figure sum for interviews to ‘dish the dirt’ on me.
“Out of respect for the fact she is the mother to two of my children I have not responded to her continual abuse and…”
So says Simon to the media, a man now Danczuk suspended from the Labour party after he exchanged sex texts with the then 17-year-old Sophena Houlihan.And on her:
Last night it was claimed that Houlihan, now 18, has been working as a dominatrix.
You want more on that? Of course you do. The People notes:
She was 17 when Labour MP Danczuk, 49, sent text messages in which he said he was “horny” and asked if she wanted spanking. The teenager claimed to be shocked by those “sexts” – but on a website Sophena called herself Goddess Rosalie Von Morelli, a financial dominatrix.
She used the site to sell used and worn thongs, “frenchies” and knickers for £15 a pair, and offered bras and toe-nail clippings for £10 a time.
Cue Karen Karen Danczuk, who tweets about Sonia:
“Sell your body for sex . . . I’d sit back and think before you speak. An ex friend of someone sent me explicit photos & evidence of ‘escorting’ . . . amongst other things.”
Rossington says she’s not and never has been a prostitute. She says:
“I’m aware of this, he threatened it years ago. Danczuk does smear, it’s quite easy [to] go through intimate marital pictures of us when we were together and create a false incriminating profile of me on certain websites.”
Over pages 6 and 7, Camilla Long tucks into the Danczuks. It’s sex, sex and sex.
A new relationship with a Labour councillor called Claire Hamilton failed after four months of public snogging and a threesome (amazingly not in public) in which Hamilton kissed Karen for “about an hour” while Danczuk took pictures. Hamilton eventually dumped Danczuk after she claimed he cheated on her, saying she had “no idea” how many women he had “been messaging on Twitter”. She guessed “a lot”…
Nearly a year ago, he was caught favouriting hardcore pornography on Twitter while he was out canvassing for the election. He said he was “a man of the world”, so of course he watched porn, but in this case it was an accident. His phone clicked on the porn owing to a fault. He seemed convincing, even though he was an MP blaming his own telephone for driving him to sex…
The Mirror (front page): “DISGRACED MP ‘ CRIED LIKE A BABY”
It’s super snogger Claire Hamilton. Labour Councillor Claire says:
“He craves attention so much from anywhere he can get it, but he’s sunk to a new low this time. He told me he had come up with a plan for 2016 to make more money out of the celebrity and press side of things than from being an MP.”
Achievement unlocked. And the sex…
“He said he’d been messaging this teenage singer on Twitter when he was up late or couldn’t sleep in the early hours about ‘life and music and stuff’. I asked if the messages were friendly or intimate and why text someone so young? He wouldn’t tell me or show me the messages”…
“He was saying ‘I’m sorry, Claire, I’m sorry.’ I packed his bag and gave him it. He was crying like a baby. I went on Twitter straight away and typed ‘Danczuk dumped’. I didn’t want to give myself any chance to go back – it was over, done.”
Twitter is so definitive.
“I felt emotionally drained that he was in touch with someone so young. He obviously thought he had a chance with her because he essentially wanted us to have an open relationship. Having now seen the texts, I feel physically stick to my stomach.”
Pass the toenails…
The Sun (front page): “SEX TEXT MP: I LOVE YOUNG WOMEN”
“Younger women are my Achilles heel. My first wife was ten years younger than me, my second wife was 17 years younger, my last girlfriend is 17 years younger. Some men like older women, some like younger women, some like brunettes, some like blondes.”
Some like having their balls slammed in the car door. It’s a funny old world.
Daily Mail (front page): “My Years of Abuse from Sex Text MP”
It’s Sonia. We’ll skip to the sex:
When she complained about him having sex with her, while she slept at 3am, he told her: ‘You’re my wife. I can have sex with you whenever I want.’ She said: ‘You learned not to cross him. He would say to me “If you get on the wrong side of me I will destroy you”. And he means it – he wants to take you down so you have nothing, not even a way of making a living.
‘I’ve been in therapy for years over this. I was terrified of relationships. I was afraid of so many things. Simon has cast a long shadow over my life.’
It gets sinister:
…when he came to bed he would have sex with me, interrupting my sleep. I would just wake up and it would be happening. It was always in the missionary position.
‘After a few weeks I was so exhausted I said to him “Please stop this” – but he tried to make me believe it was me who was initiating it. I was so confused. I thought I was going mad. I had no recollection of this at all. I started covering up, wearing long johns, pyjamas, socks, anything to make it more difficult for this to happen. I asked him to stop again.
Bit odd, no?
‘But this went on for months. I thought I was going mad. If it was me initiating things why was he always on top? So I decided to stay awake and see what he actually did and try to find out the truth. What happened was sly and awful.
‘He’d sneak into the room, take off his clothes and peel back the bed covers, roll me on to my back, open my legs and start having sex with me. I let him do this a few times, pretending to be asleep and even tried to record it on a camera, but of course it was dark.
‘I confronted him about it later. I said, “I know what you do and I want it to stop. I can’t believe you tried to make me think it was me initiating things.” He said, “It’s a husband having sex with his wife”.
‘He said, “Listen, Sonia. This is the deal. You are my wife and it’s expected from a wife to give her husband sex whenever he wants it. If you don’t give it to me when I want it I’ll go and look elsewhere.” I burst into tears. But after that he carried on for months with a much more careless attitude.
‘He would throw the blankets off and roll me over though he only took 15-20 seconds to finish.’
Simon has mentioned “injunctions” and layers, He says Sonia’s words are “unfounded and malicious”.
To which we can only add: Danczuk for Labour Leader! The campaign starts here…
Kevin Connolly, BBC News, Jerusalem, reports:
There has been speculation that if the bar was popular with the gay community, it may have been a hate crime. It remains a possibility that there was some kind of link to organised crime. But until the perpetrator is captured, it is not clear what the motive may have been.
Why speculate, then? And if you are going to speculate, why stop there?
YNet News takes different line:
The terrorist is an Israeli Arab man who has expressed support for ISIS in the past. The bag he left behind in the nearby shop contained a Quran. The attacker is a 31-year-old resident of Ar’ara, and was once sentenced to five years in prison for attempting to steal an IDF soldier’s weapon. He attacked the soldier at the Karkur junction, hitting him and attempting to grab the soldier’s M-16 rifle. In the end, the soldier, who later required hospitalization, managed to overcome the attacker and caused him to flee the scene.
The attacker was arrested the next day, assaulting a policeman in the process. He was diagnosed with mental problems… He apparently developed a drug and alcohol habit starting at a young age. The attacker also has a past of drug offenses. He was arrested in 2005 after selling 1.1 kilograms of cocaine to an undercover policeman for NIS 16,500. He was sentenced to treatment in a facility under house-arrest conditions.
When is a hate crime not a hate crime?
The letter has many forms:
Date of Joke: Thursday, 27th December, 2012
I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. It’s the usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently – although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.” I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just don’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my boat next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my boat, that I noticed that the lower unit seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Worried Sick in Indiana
How did the tabloids report on Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn’s trip to flood-hit York?
Daily Mirror (Page 19): “Flood chaos: ‘Tory cuts are a massive threat to life.'”
Odd that such a big story should be buried on Page 19. Is Corbyn someone the Labour-supporting Mirror wants to hide?
The story introduces us to a council estate resident, who tells Mr Cobyn he is “disgusted” by David Cameron. It’s possible this is the resident’s default reaction to the Tory leader. The man tells Corbyn, “You are the first to come up here. Mr Cameron went to all the post estates, he didn’t come to council estates.”
A photo of Corbyn talking to a smiling local is captioned “listening”.
Daily Express: nothing.
Daily Mail: nothing.
The Sun (Page 8): “Jez fails to bag rescue job”
Corbyn “finally” paid a visit to York. He made a “half-hearted attempt to help. He moved a sandbag “with one hand tucked away in his pocket… But local Labour MP Rachel Maskell used both hand to move hers”.
Conclusions: Corby has one strong arm – the other arm weaker than Tom Watson’s willpower in a fudge factory. Maskell is on-message. At a rate of one sandbag per person, MPs are not big on physical activity.
Daily Star (Page 8): “Corbyn, you’re 5 days too late”
“Residents…slammed Jeremy Corby for arriving ‘too late'”. For what? Christmas?
Such are the facts.
Labour MP Simon Danczuk, 49, has been suspended from the Labour Party amid news that he sent ‘spanking’ texts to a teenager.
Simon Danczuk, MP for Rochdale, told the 17-year-old student she was “cheeky” and that he wanted to “spank” her.
Sophena Houlihan, now 18, says the paedo-hunting MP told her she made him “horny”.
Miss Houlihan tells the Sun: “When I first got in touch I never expected the messages to get so graphic. At the time I played along with it, but now I feel like he duped me. I enjoyed the attention. There is something about him that I was attracted to.”
The Sun says Danczuk “bombarded” Sophena with messages.
Sweet Sophena is now happy to share the message with Sun readers. In one she tells him her white body suit – the one she’s wearing in a photo she sent him – “would look better on your bedroom floor”.
He replied: “God help me.”
And now the randy old fool is being exposed as, well, a randy old fool in the tabloids.
What is with spanking and Rochdale MPs?
Sky news anchor Kay Burley has a top tip for York City flood victims:
Over on Twitter, jobbing pundit and Alan Sugar Apprentice advisor Karren Brady has seen a picture of televised investor and Dirk Bogarde hair enthusiast Duncan Bannatyne and sniped to Sun readers: “For a seriously clever entrepreneur, Duncan Bannatyne is acting like a silly old fool. At 66 he has taken up with his second mid-30s partner this year and flaunts it by posting a hilariously repulsive picture, above, of him snogging this young lady.”
Bannatyne responded by tweeting, “Brady is a complete coward to attack my GF in this way. Total coward Brady.”
She was, of course, mocking him, as well she might.
But it is a little odd that Brady should find inter-generational love so repulsive. She works as Vice Chairman of West Ham United under Chairmen David Gold and David Sullivan. Gold’s daughter, Jacqueline Gold, was once married to a man 17 years her junior. Sullivan (born 1949) is married to a former glamour model (born 1965).
The young Karren Brady was appointed sales director of The Sunday Sport, the tits and football aid to masturbation disguised as a newspaper set up by Sullivan in 1986. The newspaper featured the Sunday Sport Adult Celebrity Comic!
Here’s a tasteful taster (NSFW):
Any similarities to Bannatyne and Brady are purely coincidental.
They’ve tried rock music, free wine and loose change (you take it off the plate, right?), so mitres off to the Church for seducing the unwashed with free Grade-A drugs.
Matt Quinton says cocaine has been found at 11 of the country’s “top 25 cathedrals”. How they’re ranked, Quinton doesn’t say, but he’s doubtless taken in such criteria as toilets, warmth, eye candy, parking, and the vicar’s likelihood of ‘squiring’ a worshipper and undergoing a sex change.
On page five – “The Powder and the glory” – Matt tells us how he found the drugs. He toured the country, swabbing toilet seats and cisterns for traces of cocaine. He says the tests employed are 95% accurate, which means they are not accurate at all.
We await the Church Times’ scoop on what it found in the Sun’s toilets, but the smart money is on porn, flushed pay-as-you-go mobile phones and wafers.