Back pages | Anorak - Part 43

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Premier League news. Stories from the newspapers and BBC sport – sports news from tabloids Daily Mail, Daily Express, Daily Star, the Guardian, Daily Mirror, the times, daily telegraph

Four Facts About Paul Gascoigne’s Drinking

“INFO maniac UK,” screams the Mirror. “Average Briton absorbs 13 new facts per day.”

But which facts? Luckily, Paul Gascoigne is here to help readers. Gazza is by the Metz public house, in Dunston, Gateshead.

DAILY MIRROR: “Desperate for a drink at 9.44am.” Fact!

THE SUN: “Desperate for a drink…” at 9.45am. Fact!

DAILY EXPRESS: “9.30am: Gazza tries to get a drink.” Fact!

DAILY STAR: “Gazza is desperately trying to get into a pub at 9am”. Fact!

Now for 11 more facts to complete the day’s quota… Who’s in the Spurs First XI tonight?

Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (11)

Gallowgate Humour: Newcastle Fans Attack Mike Ashley

AH, the Geordie fans of Newcastle United, a breed apart, a nation apart, a place where delusions are encouraged and the car-Toon army actually believe that their stadium is the best, their fans the most loyal and their club “massive”.

The one thing you won’t see at Newcastle is smiling, worldly-wise fans lampooning their own team’s failings and ole-ing when a single pass goes to a teammate.

Newcastle United’s fans are devoid of humour, even gallows humour in the Gallowgate.

And here’s Alan McKenna, who looks like Newcastle chairman Mickey Ashley, walking into a bar in Chester-le-Street, County Durham, and being asked by Newcastle fans if he is the real thing.

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Posted: 17th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Kat Deluna Murders The US National Anthem

IT’S pop sen-sation Kat Deluna. Yaaaaaay! Kat by name, cat by singing style.

Ms Deluna was commandeered to sing the national anthem of the US of A at the start of an American Football match. Americans love to hear their national anthem, it being proof that despite so much evidence to the contrary, theirs is the land of the brave and free.

For similar reasons, the Chinese national anthem begins “Arise, ye who refuse to be slaves!” the French chant “To arms, to arms, ye brave!” and Russians sing up for, “Long live our Fatherland, land of the free, The eternal union of brothers nations.”

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Posted: 16th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities | Comments (14)

Proud Of Britain: Being Proud Of Sir Alex Ferguson

PROUD Of You – Anorak’s look people being proud of others. The more tenuous the link, the better. Today, one of Alex Ferguson’s school mates is proud of him:

“I’ve kept an eye on Alex’s career,” says Margaret McArthur, 67. “He’s done really well and I’m proud of him.” – The Sun

Makes you proud…

Posted: 16th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

America Is In The Great Depression

WRITES Cheryl from the US:

It is a nightmare over here, trust me! Drive down the streets in very nice areas and Foreclosures signs going up right and left. Stock market took quite a hit today and some people are losing their life’s savings in one fell swoop. Gas went up the other day in some places by 89 cents more per gallon add-on to already outrageous prices even before Ike hit Texas! I was reading an article last week about the potential for suicides by people losing their homes. Trying to remember history but believe it was the Crash of 1929 or 32 that caused the multitude of people to kill themselves who lost everything and thus the Great Depression. Here is something from the news over here today but not the latest and it only worsens.


Posted: 15th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Money | Comments (8)

Sky Has Changed Football More Than Any Billionaire Team Owner

SIMON Barnes, the Times’s Sports Columnist of the Year, is talking about Al Sugar, Manchester City and how football clubs have become rich man’s play things, as opposed to in those halcyon days of the minimum wage, when football clubs were, er, rich men’s play things.

Football is like a bird attached to a brick by a strong piece of elastic. The bird is flying skywards with all its might and there are only two things that can happen. Either the elastic will break or the brick will hit the bird up the arse. The bird is the billionaire owner, the brick is the supporters.

And the Sky in which it flies is the big money broadcaster which has done more to change football than any multi-millionaire, billionaire or trillionaire…

Not that Barnes notices. The Times is, incidentally, owned by the same company that owns Sky TV…

Posted: 15th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Money | Comments (8)

Cheryl Cole Calls The Celebrity Baby Ordering Service

THE People advertise the news that Cheryl Cole, of the Chelsea Coles says: “I want a baby with Ashley next year.

Well, what’s one more, alleged puking, diamond-pooing little darling? But before the world can welcome into its bosom anther Ashley Cole, Cheryl needs to call Anorak’s Celebrity Baby Ordering Service.

Says Cheryl: “I want to start working on that baby.”

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Posted: 14th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Lewis Hamilton Stands Up At The Italian Grand Prix

OVERHEARD on TV: It’s the Italian Grand Prix and Lewis Hamilton is go… Go… Go!!!!

“Would the real Lewis Hamilton please stand up”James Allen, ITV

But how will his feet reach the pedals..?

Posted: 14th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, TV & Radio | Comments (3)

Paul Gascoigne’s Last Words And Testament

PAUL Gascoigne is unwell. And rumours of his impeding death are exaggerated.

As the Star leads: “GAZZA LEAVE ME ALONE TO DIE.”

At once we see a mental image of Paul Gascoigne lying on his death bed, his head raised as a team of men in white try to squirt a jet of elixir into his flapping maw.

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Posted: 13th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (5)

British Invested Baseball And Decided Not To Play It

THE Times reports that the British invested baseball and then decided not to play it:

Historians in Surrey have documentary proof that the game was being played in the UK before America. A diary entry which talks about a game played in Guildford, Surrey in 1755 has been verified as authentic by the Surrey History Centre.

The Surrey History Centre, where highlights include The Philip Bradley Fairground Collection and Dennis Specialist Vehicles.

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Posted: 12th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Strange But True | Comments (10)

Overheard On TV: Clare Balding Straddles The BBC’s Red Button

Overheard on TV: The BBC’s Steve Cram at the Paralympics:

“As I said Clare will be back on the red button very, very shortly – Steve Cram.

Back in the saddle for our Clare Balding…

Posted: 11th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, TV & Radio | Comment

Great Sporting Injuries: Fabian Espindola’s Own Goal

GREAT SPORTING INJURIES: Fabian Espindola, of Us soccer ball team Real Salt Lake, sis out for at least a month, thanks to a bad ankle sprain suffered when he did a backflip after a goal against David Beckham’s LA Galaxy on Saturday.

Update: A disallowed goal.

Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities | Comment (1)

Wayne Rooney’s Non-Sequitur Of The Day

WAYNE Rooney, we and readers of the News of the World learn, is “at it five times a night”.

It turns out to be “playing FIFA ’08”, a video game that features a picture of Wayne in full rant on the cover.

After that coincidence (surely shameless plug? – ed), the NOTW then delivers one of the best non-sequiturs ever:

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Posted: 9th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Online-PR, Tabloids | Comments (6)

Big Brother: How To Be A Strumpet, With Sara Folino

WANT to know about Big Brother Sara Folino’s “DRUGS, LESBIAN ROMPS & SEX TAPES”?

Star readers do. And so should you.

Sara Folino is featured on the paper’s front page wearing bra and knickers (matching and clean) and shouldering a whip.

Star readers are aghast. Sara – dear, dear, Sara – do you not know that the whip accompanies the saucy jodhpurs shot, possibly with a suck on a straw of hay?

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Posted: 8th, September 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (3)

Seriously Cheaper Credit Crunch Savings

NOW that’s seriously chepaer!

Spotter: Frank

Posted: 7th, September 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment

Sarah Palin Picture Of The Day: The Name’s Piper

SARAH Palin picture of the day – a lovely image or Sarah, John and Piper…

Spotter: Karen Hawtry

Posted: 5th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Politicians | Comments (31)

Three Fans React With Fury As Kevin Keegan Resigns

THREE days ago Anorak told you: “Kevin Keegan Sacked As Newcastle United Manager”

No chance, said the papers. King Kev was on his throne. He was lovin it, just lovin’ it at Newcastle.

Now three days on the media rushes to show the world that King Kev has abdicated and that the lachrymose Geordie fans are a-weepin’ and a-wailin’ more than usual.

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Posted: 5th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (4)

Joey Barton Fails To See Red

“WHO does Joey Barton think he is?” asks the Mirror’s front-page headline.

Given the haircut and the Scouse accent, we’d say George Harrison. But did Beatle George ever kick someone in the head and stub out a cigar out on a lad’s eyeball?

Before we can guess again, the Mirror says Barton has been seen committing the heinous act of driving in the bus lane. Scum, is a word that springs to mind.

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Posted: 5th, September 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (8)

Nodding Heads: Sporting Insight On Sky Sports

SPORTING insight of the day, with John Solako, on Sky Sports:

“Still no goals, it’s 1-0 to Blackpool.”

More in-the-know punditry to follow…

Posted: 5th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Manchester City: Robinho Introduces The MAGs

MANCHESTER City’s new player Robinho is pictured in the Mirror, topless and in the arms of a woman.

Anorak is unfamiliar with Mr Robinho’s life.

And on viewing the image, Old Mr Anorak supposed Robinho was being portrayed with his wet nurse or an older lover, an impression not unaided by her circling resting on his right nipple.

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Posted: 4th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

Al Sugar’s 54-A-Side Manchester City

“SHEIKH YOU BOOTY,” screams the Sun’s front-page headline, as “Arab sheikhs” (are their any other?) buy Manchester City and set about buying every single footballer on the planet.

The Sun says Dr Sulaiman Al Fahim, aka Al Sugar, intends to “grab” Cristiano Ronaldo from Manchester United and demand that he pays the ransom for his victim of a red hot £134million.

Such is the way of football business…

Also on Al Sugar’s shopping list are Cesc Fabregas (£60m), Fernando Torres (£70m), Kaka (£80m) and Dimitar Berbatov for £60m.

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Posted: 3rd, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Money, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Kevin Keegan Sacked As Newcastle United Manager

KING Kevin Keegan of Newcastle United. Goodbye.

Dennis Wise poised…

Posted: 2nd, September 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (3)

Arab Alan Sugar Buys Manchester City

MANCHESTER City have been sold to Abu Dhabi United Group for Development and Investment, Make Wonderful Sexy Football For You and My Family, Please.

The Sun says the group is worth between £650billion and £800billion, give or take a few hundred billion either way.

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Posted: 2nd, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

What’s My Byline: Geoffrey Boycott Explains

“THESE days half the writers need six quotes before they can write a piece,” says Geoffrey Boycott, God of Yorkshire.

“When you’ve got byline, it should be your words.”

Yeah, quotes are for losers.

So says HRH Boycott, whose Telegraph column is touched up and edited by one Simon Briggs…

Posted: 1st, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets | Comment

Amy Winehouse Injured Training For 2012 Olympics Drugs Marathon

HATS off to Amy Winehouse who has prepared for the London 2012 Drugs Olympics with what the Sun is calling a “POT MARATHON”.

And that’s not all.

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Posted: 1st, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)