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Premier League news. Stories from the newspapers and BBC sport – sports news from tabloids Daily Mail, Daily Express, Daily Star, the Guardian, Daily Mirror, the times, daily telegraph

Madeleine McCann: Family Danger, Caylee Anthony And A Challenge To Libel

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

THE SUN: “Maddie: Hol chat on risk of kidnap”

James Clench continues his investigation of the McCann’s holiday, and he’s brought Lucy Hagan along for back up…

Perhaps James can be Gerry McCann and Lucy can be Kate, and they can turn their story into a multi-media play for today? Now read on…

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Posted: 21st, October 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (90)

Scouting For Girls: Arkela’s Sex Class With Blue Peter And Kaa The Snake

WHO is that lone wolf in the park? Why it’s Arkela. He’s been on Paedo Prowl, and can report that the area is safe and secure.

He’s our Leader, leader, leader of the ging-gang-goolies.

Arkela wants you to Be Prepared. And he’d like to would like to introduce you to Baloo, also know as The Bear. Can anyone tell Arkela what a Bear is?

Yes, you, boy.

“Is it a hairy homosexual male, sir?”

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Posted: 20th, October 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (2)

Voodoo Tax Breaks Berry’s Troubled Assets

THIS is reply to Richard North’s post: Why Gordon Brown’s Rescue Package Is Not Going To Work, by Chenier…

It’s crap.

Sorry, not you FSBFP, the stuff about the accountancy rules.

They already changed them, and I wrote a piece about it at the time; it did f*ck all to improve matters.

John M Berry is being somewhat disingenuous in not mentioning in his article that the SEC had already issued a statement allowing people to take a much more cheery view of their Troubled Assets, but perhaps he just overlooked it in all the excitement.

(Image: Beau Bo D’Or)

Equally, John M Berry pointedly ignores a little local difficulty called Enron, which I suppose is unsurprising given that the fraud there involved taking a view of their Troubled Assets so cheery that people ended up doing jail time.

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Posted: 14th, October 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (7)

Man City The Next Club In Crisis

WEST Ham is in the mire. And Man City?

Dubai may need help from Abu Dhabi and the United Arab Emirates government to finance a surge in borrowing that paid for the world’s tallest tower, palm tree- shaped man-made islands and stakes in banks worldwide.

That’s the transfer kitty gone…

Anyone know what they did with Peter Swailes ?


Al Sugar’s 54-A-Side Manchester City

Al Qaeda Will Attack Manchester City At 8pm On 05 November 2007

Posted: 14th, October 2008 | In: Back pages, Sports | Comments (8)

Me And Britt Lapthorne

AUSTRALIAN tourist Britt Lapthorne is murdered in Croatia. The mainstream media ignore her or abused her.

That is until Tracee Hutchison, a columnist for The Age (Melbourne), began to understand and make sense of Britt’s life and death.

Having called Britt Lapthorne “sunny-natured, seasoned traveller”, sunny antgured and seasoned Tracee begins to recognise the moral of the tale:

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Posted: 12th, October 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (2)

The End Of Football’s Age Of Innocence: Melanie Slade Strips Off

SETANTA. Director of football (not to be confused with football director). Theo Walcott. Lots of clean toilets at Wembley Stadium. Man City playing beach soccer. Dennis Wise in a suit and not appearing in court.

All parts of football’s brave new world.

But it’s not all change. No one told Melanie Slade, Walcott’s lover, that time has moved on. And here she in the Sun making a “great career mauve” in a lilac bikini.

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Posted: 11th, October 2008 | In: Back pages, Sports | Comments (9)

The Smell Of Victory: The Scent Of Football

SMELL that? That is the smell of Liverpool FC.

L4Men leads with the intense freshness of Robbie Keane and the garlic-infused sparkle of Fernando Torres.

Note the virile blend of frustration and star anise which finishes down with undertones of second-hand tyre and gold top.

This is Liverpool’s attempt to dethrone Beckham as the official smell of football. Right now L4Men is the official scent of the Premier League, but we can expect Liverpool’s rivals to up the stakes and take more vigorous approaches to the challenge of advancing the brand.

Here are some of the other odours that should be wafting through the grounds next season:

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Posted: 10th, October 2008 | In: Back pages, Liverpool, manchester united, Sports, Spurs | Comments (3)

Is This The Worst Sports Kit Ever?

THE Stade Francais replica kit – is it the worst sports kit ever..?

Their new strip has multicoloured images of Blanche de Castille, wife of Louis VIII and mother to Louis IX (how obvious).

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Posted: 9th, October 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (7)

Newcastle United: Joe Kinnear’s Greatest Press Conference Ever

ANORAK used to attend many football press conferences. The following is an edited transcript of Newcastle interim manager Joe Kinnear’s first official press conference yesterday, as provided by the Guardian:

JK Which one is Simon Bird [Daily Mirror’s north-east football writer]?

SB Me.

JK You’re a c*nt.

SB Thank you.

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Posted: 3rd, October 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (16)

Matt Hughes Adds To Chelsea Crisis

CHELSEA’S striking crisis:

“…leaving Drogba and Anelka as the club’s only recognised strikers”- Matt Hughes, of the Times, fails to recognise Salomon Kalou, billed as a strike on the paper’s Fantasy Football League pages

See you at the January sales…

Posted: 3rd, October 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment

Summit About Nothing: Ronnie Wood Calls In The United Nations

RONNIE Wood is having “divorce summit”.

Right it is that an act of such global importance is afforded a position on the Sun’s front page, and covred by the alnguage of interntanl dimplamacy.

Ronnie Wood (UK) says he wants to be with Ekaterina Ivanova (Russia).

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Posted: 3rd, October 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment

Quote Of The Day: Tony Jacklin’s Four Balls

SPORTING Quote of the Day: Tony Jacklin on golf…

“Tom Wesikopf pined a note to my locker door with just these four letters – TEMPO” – Golfer Tony Jacklin on Sky Sports


Posted: 3rd, October 2008 | In: Back pages, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Ah, Sol: Homophobic Tabloids Rally Round Sol Campbell

FOOTBALLER Sol Campbell has been the victim of homophobic chants.

The Daily Star makes it its business to expose such things, even repeating one ditty, as sung by fans of Spurs, for whom Campbell used to play before his defection to local rivals Arsenal:

“Sol, Sol, where ever you may be. You’re on the verge of lunacy. And we don’t give a f*** if you’re hanging from a tree. You Judas c*** with HIV.”

The Star is appalled and screams: “GAY FOOTIE FANS RIGHT BEHIND SOL”.

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Posted: 2nd, October 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (15)

Shoes For Hats: Daily Mirror Hack’s Zany Wikiepdia Cheat

THE Mirror’s David Anderson writes from Nicosia of Manchester City’s UEFA Cup match with Omonia Nicosia.

Despite City’s raised profile, they must make do with the UEFA Cup this season and Hughes will not tolerate any slip-ups against the Cypriot side, whose fans are known as the ‘Zany Ones’ and wear hats made from shoes.

Well, that’s what is says on the Wikipedia page for Omonia Nicosia, as updated by “godspants”, a web wag, and slavishly borrowed by Anderson as he does his, er, research…

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Posted: 2nd, October 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Shawn Johnson Attacked By Demented Farmhand

US Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson is under attack. She’s walking a fine line between bravery and stupidity… Watch out for the farmhand..!

US Ironists Wants To Rip Gold Medal From 14-Year-Old He Kexin’s Neck


Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Photojournalism | Comment

Forward With Boris Johnson As London Twinned With Beijing

STAGE 2 in the plan to make the London Olympics just like the Beijing Game, only better and more Chinese.

Having waved a flag like a totem of the Yellow River, a blonde extra from The Great Leap Forward, London mayor Boris Johnson is returned from China with ideas anew.

Johnny Chinky sure does know a think or two about bicycles. They just love ‘em. So here’s Boris on a bicycle riding about a car-free London with 50,000 other enthusiasts.

(Image: Beau Bo D’Or Website)

“This is the perfect way to encourage Londoners to get on their bikes,” says Johnson, pictured in the London Evening Standard cycling with Olympic champion Chris Hoy through an oddly carefree, er, St James’s Park.

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Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Politicians | Comments (6)

Mike Atherton On Cricket’s Establishment

QUOTE of the day: former England captain Mike Atheron on cricket’s future…

“Over time the less established players very often become more established” – Mike Atherton

More to follow…

Posted: 20th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, TV & Radio | Comment

Lily Allen’s Colonic Irrigation

LILY Allen News Of The Day: Lily’s arse

LILY Allen has booked herself in for a session of colonic irrigation this afternoon” – Gordon Smart, The Sun

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…


Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (7)

Four Facts About Paul Gascoigne’s Drinking

“INFO maniac UK,” screams the Mirror. “Average Briton absorbs 13 new facts per day.”

But which facts? Luckily, Paul Gascoigne is here to help readers. Gazza is by the Metz public house, in Dunston, Gateshead.

DAILY MIRROR: “Desperate for a drink at 9.44am.” Fact!

THE SUN: “Desperate for a drink…” at 9.45am. Fact!

DAILY EXPRESS: “9.30am: Gazza tries to get a drink.” Fact!

DAILY STAR: “Gazza is desperately trying to get into a pub at 9am”. Fact!

Now for 11 more facts to complete the day’s quota… Who’s in the Spurs First XI tonight?

Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (11)

Gallowgate Humour: Newcastle Fans Attack Mike Ashley

AH, the Geordie fans of Newcastle United, a breed apart, a nation apart, a place where delusions are encouraged and the car-Toon army actually believe that their stadium is the best, their fans the most loyal and their club “massive”.

The one thing you won’t see at Newcastle is smiling, worldly-wise fans lampooning their own team’s failings and ole-ing when a single pass goes to a teammate.

Newcastle United’s fans are devoid of humour, even gallows humour in the Gallowgate.

And here’s Alan McKenna, who looks like Newcastle chairman Mickey Ashley, walking into a bar in Chester-le-Street, County Durham, and being asked by Newcastle fans if he is the real thing.

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Posted: 17th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Kat Deluna Murders The US National Anthem

IT’S pop sen-sation Kat Deluna. Yaaaaaay! Kat by name, cat by singing style.

Ms Deluna was commandeered to sing the national anthem of the US of A at the start of an American Football match. Americans love to hear their national anthem, it being proof that despite so much evidence to the contrary, theirs is the land of the brave and free.

For similar reasons, the Chinese national anthem begins “Arise, ye who refuse to be slaves!” the French chant “To arms, to arms, ye brave!” and Russians sing up for, “Long live our Fatherland, land of the free, The eternal union of brothers nations.”

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Posted: 16th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities | Comments (14)

Proud Of Britain: Being Proud Of Sir Alex Ferguson

PROUD Of You – Anorak’s look people being proud of others. The more tenuous the link, the better. Today, one of Alex Ferguson’s school mates is proud of him:

“I’ve kept an eye on Alex’s career,” says Margaret McArthur, 67. “He’s done really well and I’m proud of him.” – The Sun

Makes you proud…

Posted: 16th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

America Is In The Great Depression

WRITES Cheryl from the US:

It is a nightmare over here, trust me! Drive down the streets in very nice areas and Foreclosures signs going up right and left. Stock market took quite a hit today and some people are losing their life’s savings in one fell swoop. Gas went up the other day in some places by 89 cents more per gallon add-on to already outrageous prices even before Ike hit Texas! I was reading an article last week about the potential for suicides by people losing their homes. Trying to remember history but believe it was the Crash of 1929 or 32 that caused the multitude of people to kill themselves who lost everything and thus the Great Depression. Here is something from the news over here today but not the latest and it only worsens.


Posted: 15th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Money | Comments (8)

Sky Has Changed Football More Than Any Billionaire Team Owner

SIMON Barnes, the Times’s Sports Columnist of the Year, is talking about Al Sugar, Manchester City and how football clubs have become rich man’s play things, as opposed to in those halcyon days of the minimum wage, when football clubs were, er, rich men’s play things.

Football is like a bird attached to a brick by a strong piece of elastic. The bird is flying skywards with all its might and there are only two things that can happen. Either the elastic will break or the brick will hit the bird up the arse. The bird is the billionaire owner, the brick is the supporters.

And the Sky in which it flies is the big money broadcaster which has done more to change football than any multi-millionaire, billionaire or trillionaire…

Not that Barnes notices. The Times is, incidentally, owned by the same company that owns Sky TV…

Posted: 15th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Money | Comments (8)

Cheryl Cole Calls The Celebrity Baby Ordering Service

THE People advertise the news that Cheryl Cole, of the Chelsea Coles says: “I want a baby with Ashley next year.

Well, what’s one more, alleged puking, diamond-pooing little darling? But before the world can welcome into its bosom anther Ashley Cole, Cheryl needs to call Anorak’s Celebrity Baby Ordering Service.

Says Cheryl: “I want to start working on that baby.”

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Posted: 14th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)