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Premier League news. Stories from the newspapers and BBC sport – sports news from tabloids Daily Mail, Daily Express, Daily Star, the Guardian, Daily Mirror, the times, daily telegraph

Manchester City: Robinho Introduces The MAGs

MANCHESTER City’s new player Robinho is pictured in the Mirror, topless and in the arms of a woman.

Anorak is unfamiliar with Mr Robinho’s life.

And on viewing the image, Old Mr Anorak supposed Robinho was being portrayed with his wet nurse or an older lover, an impression not unaided by her circling resting on his right nipple.

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Posted: 4th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment


Al Sugar’s 54-A-Side Manchester City

“SHEIKH YOU BOOTY,” screams the Sun’s front-page headline, as “Arab sheikhs” (are their any other?) buy Manchester City and set about buying every single footballer on the planet.

The Sun says Dr Sulaiman Al Fahim, aka Al Sugar, intends to “grab” Cristiano Ronaldo from Manchester United and demand that he pays the ransom for his victim of a red hot £134million.

Such is the way of football business…

Also on Al Sugar’s shopping list are Cesc Fabregas (£60m), Fernando Torres (£70m), Kaka (£80m) and Dimitar Berbatov for £60m.

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Posted: 3rd, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Money, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Kevin Keegan Sacked As Newcastle United Manager

KING Kevin Keegan of Newcastle United. Goodbye.

Dennis Wise poised…

Posted: 2nd, September 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (3)


Arab Alan Sugar Buys Manchester City

MANCHESTER City have been sold to Abu Dhabi United Group for Development and Investment, Make Wonderful Sexy Football For You and My Family, Please.

The Sun says the group is worth between £650billion and £800billion, give or take a few hundred billion either way.

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Posted: 2nd, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment


What’s My Byline: Geoffrey Boycott Explains

“THESE days half the writers need six quotes before they can write a piece,” says Geoffrey Boycott, God of Yorkshire.

“When you’ve got byline, it should be your words.”

Yeah, quotes are for losers.

So says HRH Boycott, whose Telegraph column is touched up and edited by one Simon Briggs…

Posted: 1st, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets | Comment


Amy Winehouse Injured Training For 2012 Olympics Drugs Marathon

HATS off to Amy Winehouse who has prepared for the London 2012 Drugs Olympics with what the Sun is calling a “POT MARATHON”.

And that’s not all.

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Posted: 1st, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)


Australia Bans Gymnastics AS Olympic Fall Out Continues

DID you notice that Australia finished below the UK in the Olympics medal table?

Now we learn that Belgian Gardens State School has decreed that performing a cartwheel on the playground is an offence that should result in suspension.

The school has banned all forms of gymnastics during breaks, including handstands and somersaults – even the humble forward roll has been given the flick.

Is this ban rooted in the fear of being seen by crowing British children, who may mock when the Australian tumble fails to meet the required level of expertise?

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Posted: 28th, August 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (3)


Tabloids Differ Over Rebecca Adlington’s Right To Choos

THE Mirror spots Rebecca Adlington, the country’s Olympic heroine and woman most likely to be the new Sharron Davis.

She’s holding a pair of Jimmy Choos shoes, as fashioned by London’s leading Malaysian cobbler.

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Posted: 27th, August 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Kenyan Marathon Runner Sammy Wanjiru Limbers Up

KENYAN Marathon Runner Sammy Wanjiru Limbers Up at the Olympics – on the BBC:

Spotter: Karen Strike. (Send in your spots.)

Posted: 26th, August 2008 | In: Back pages, Photojournalism | Comment (1)


London 2012: Toddler Shoots Baby Brother

“BABY SHOT BY GIRL 5.”

So says the Sun on its over page. We are ashamed and appalled.

Do you people learn nothing? Are we so pig ignorant? You need to be aged 18 to enter the Olympic pistol shooting contests, and with the London Games in four years time, all five-year-olds should lay down their arms.

Better they take up gymnastics, or a knife like all the other kidz.

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Posted: 26th, August 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment


Outrage As Manchester’s Myra Hindley Promotes London Olympics

“HINDELY CRASHES OLYMPIC PARY,” says the Mirror. Myra Hindley is at the London Olympics.

Is Team GB so desperate for gold medals we are including not only drugs contests but utilising the very worst to be the very best?

To go with child killing, is crying in public to be an Olympic Sport (Diana would have wanted it that way). What about medals awarded for paedo spotting, weather talking and media demonising, the contest in which the world’s hacks, assembled for the great sporting occasion, are incited to think up a scare story?

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Posted: 25th, August 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (8)


Big Brother: Gazza, Nicole And Rex

BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…

IT’S “Big Brother Nicole”. She wants to tell us about: “COCAINE, GAZZA AND ME.”

Given the PR dive to make whiny Nicole appear interesting, Cocaine, Gazza and Me may well turn out to be the names of three Yorkshire terriers she once encountered on Hamstead Heath.

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Posted: 25th, August 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment


Los Angeles Residents Welcome You To London 2012 Olympics

DAVID Beckham and Leona Lewis welcome you to the London Olympics, says the Star.

Becks lives in Los Angeles, so does Leona. But what the hell, they were born in London and that will do.

The Times leads with pictures of Londoners who live in London, and a load of tourists, celebrating the arrival of the fearsomely expensive sporting event in four years time They are waving flags beating the Olympics logo – that picture of Lisa Simpson felating on an unknown IOC member.

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Posted: 25th, August 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Myra Hindley Used To Sell London 2012 Olympic Games

A PORTRAIT of child murderer Myra Hindley has been broadcast on a video shown at a London 2012 event in Beijing.

The Liberal Democrat’s Olympics spokesperson said it was a “regrettable choice”.

(Picture: Beau Bo D’Or Website)

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Posted: 24th, August 2008 | In: Back pages, Photojournalism, Politicians | Comments (14)


Olympics Under a European Flag: Team GB Takes Beijing

“EUROPE bids to hijack our medal.”

The Sunday Express brings news to shock and to cheer.

Finally, after so long we can win the rhythmic gymnastics, the shot putt and the Molesworthian  walking races. Says the Express:

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Posted: 24th, August 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (20)


Rebecca Adlington: UK Olympians Puts Manners Before Medals

REBECCA Adlington is in conversation with the Mail. Who she? She’s young (a teenager), blonde and dressed in a swimsuit.

No, this is the Mail, not some down market redtop that encourages its readers to perv at the strumpets. Ms Adlington, of the Beijing Adlingtons, is a swimmer and she’s here to “RESTORE YOUR FAITH IN BRITAIN”.

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Posted: 24th, August 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (4)


Samir Nasri Is Something Special

“GREAT for Arsenal, that Nasri’s back. As I said last week, you don’t win the prize as ‘Player of the Year’ in France and then score in your debut in the Premier League if you’re not something special. Just ask Malouda. Oh, wait….”

Via

Posted: 23rd, August 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment


The Olympics Uncut And After Dark

THE Olympics uncut… Not Safe For The Gym (although, not all gyms. Old Mr Anorak once attended the Oasis gym in Soho that…

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Posted: 23rd, August 2008 | In: Back pages, Photojournalism | Comments (17)


Us And Chen: The War Of Sarah Stevenson’s Foot

SARAH Stevenson is a Briton abroad in the summertime. There she is kicking a foreigner in the face. More power to her foot.

What’s this? Anorak reveling in uber violence? Nothing of it. This is the Olympics, and Sarah has put in the hard yards to be able to kick allowed to kick a foreinger in the face, throat and head in peacetime and away from a football ground.

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Posted: 23rd, August 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (12)


After the Olympics The TV Titles

“OLYMPIC DAMES,” announces the Mirror’s front page. Britain’s New Olympians are top be given titles.

“GIVE OUR HEOES A GONG,” says the Mail on its cover. Anorak senses a campaign, and one the Mail has every chance of winning (see Mirror).

Titles for one and all. And to go with the medals and ribbons, a valuable spot in the TV titles.

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Posted: 23rd, August 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (5)


Michelle Obama’s Face Bump

CHERIE Blair. Laura Bush is quite cute. Nancy Ray Guns. Brrrrrr. Hillary CLiton. Grrr. Michelle Obama… Says Sand Monkey:

I want you to think about this: There is a theory that states that the wife of any successfull political candidate has to be uglier than him or at the very least in the same realm of attractiveness, because if she is prettier than him, then for some reason women won;t vote for him. This is why John McCain will lose, because his wife is too pretty for him (and a heiress, of a beer empire, that motherfucker lucked out), while Obama will win, because he is a good looking dude and Michelle, well, she looks pretty busted. She looks-as one of my friends so eloquently put it- as if her face was hit by a bus. Women who look like that are the reason why we have dentists.

A face bump…

Posted: 22nd, August 2008 | In: Back pages, Politicians | Comment (1)


Nike Work: America In Edible Art

OLLE Hemmendorff’s edible Nike burger…

The athlete’s foot is the pickle…

Via

Posted: 22nd, August 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (4)


Daily Mail Cancer Story Of The Day

SAYS the Daily MAil:

Reheated spaghetti bolognese ‘prevents cancer’

More cancer news and views every day…

Posted: 22nd, August 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (2)


US Ironists Wants To Rip Gold Medal From 14-Year-Old He Kexin’s Neck

“OLYMPIC inquiry,” announces the Times’ front page.

Good. How Christine Ohuruogu was allowed to compete for Blighty we will never understand.

But it turns out that the UK press is more concerned with “China’s golden girl”, He Kexin.

As Anorak has reported before, He is a She, such is often the communist world’s way at Olympics time, and despite He’s hairy top lip and deep baritone voice, He might only be 14.

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Posted: 22nd, August 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets | Comments (2)


Global Warming Headline Of The Day: Thermal Knickers Up

GLOBAL warming headline of the day: thermal knickers up:

Sales of thermal underwear soar in dismal summer Daily Telegraph

Global warming – let’s consider the evidence…

Posted: 22nd, August 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)