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Back pages | Anorak - Part 49

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Premier League news. Stories from the newspapers and BBC sport – sports news from tabloids Daily Mail, Daily Express, Daily Star, the Guardian, Daily Mirror, the times, daily telegraph

A Free Sausage With Every Daily Star

THE Daily Star has been at the vanguard of building site-newspaper relation for years.

Not for nothing has it been the official building site paper.

And today Star readers are offered a “FREE CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE BUTTY”.

The Cumberland sausage is the meat product that when overcooked looks not enough unlike a joke shop doggy doo-doo.

It is delicious, and very possibly the most patriotic and British of sausages, rivalled by the Lincolnshire, the princely Saveloy (batted and smooth) and the Rennet.

Vegetarians are offered the alternative pork pie…

Posted: 9th, July 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (2)


30 Reasons To Watch China Olympics

THE China Daily has “30 reasons to watch the Beijing Games” – once the smog clears, naturally.

Want to know why you should watch? (Picture: Beau Bo D’Or Website)

12. “English, English”

A 170-page Chinese Menu in English Version is seen as exemplary of one success of the English-speaking campaign throughout the city.

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Posted: 8th, July 2008 | In: Back pages, Politicians | Comments (4)


A Judge And Durex At The Max Mosley Case

THE story so far: Max Mosley, motor racing boss, is suing the News of the World for invading his privacy.

Mr Justice Eady sat stony-faced as he heard that the woman was known for arranging bondage sessions involving a man dressed in a judge’s gown and girls.”

– Times

Posted: 8th, July 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets | Comments (5)


The Rafael Nadal Volley

RAFAEL Nadal has won the Wimbledon tennis rubber and the Sun’s Nick Francis puts his achievement in perspective:

The boy who never made it as a footballer

Back of the net!

Posted: 8th, July 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment


Henman Wins At Wimbledon

ANORAK is returned from Wimbledon where Old Mr Anorak, our patron, was delighted to observe that after years of effort Tim Henman made it to a Wimbledon final.

He more than held his own against the brattish American mouth John McEnroe and showed Boris Becker up for the swivel-eyed German banger he truly is.

OMA spent the greater part of the outing with a transistor radio pressed to his good ear and rooting for our Tim.

(That do? – Ed)

Posted: 7th, July 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (4)


Cheryl Cole Passes Diamonds

ASHLEY Cole, vomitous footballer to Wag Cheryl Cole, is wooing his allegedly cuckolded wife with loadsa prezzies.

For the occasion of Cheryl’s 25th birthday, C-Ashley bought her a villa in Spain, a plate of tofu in champagne sauce, and a cake shaped like a handbag and studded with “£5,200 of edible diamonds”.

Can a Wag live by lo-cal diamonds alone? And if not, should she throw them up?

Posted: 2nd, July 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities | Comments (6)


Football Crazy: The Summer Game Is Here

WITH the football season at an end, it’s time for the Star to feature the English summer sport: football.

GAZZA TO WED SHEZZA” – Googly-headed Paul Gascoigne has bowled a maiden over

Ronaldo’s babe gets even hotter” – Testing time for Nereida Gallardo as she proves her top order is in top order!

HARRY COL” – Harry Kewell is Kewell-ing off in a swimming pool with his belter of a wife showing some leg-by

“Barton is branded disgrace by judge” (Sun) – Bad leg-break for wrong un Joey Barton who cut an off-break by escaping another jail term for his slog…
More football throughout the summer…

Posted: 2nd, July 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (2)


Euro 2008 With Adrian Chiles, Professional Football Fan

“THEY were coarse, noisy, excited and exuded a slight air of menace. That’s what football’s all about.”

So says BBC football presenter Adrian Chiles, writing in the Sun, on those Russian fans upholding the spirit of England.

This is Chiles “who loved Euro 2008 …despite the corporate circus”.

“The trouble with the tournament,” laments Chiles, from his airplane seat, “is that, the longer is goes on, the less it seems to be for proper football fans”. Corporate types in football. “Mad, mad, mad, mad,” says Chiles.

This is Chiles who writes for News International (part owner of the Australian National Rugby League, investor in the Premier League; former owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers; sometime stake holder Manchester United, Leeds, Chelsea, Sunderland and Manchester City).

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Posted: 1st, July 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Newcastle United Sack And Don’t Sack Joey Barton

FOOTBALLER Joey Barton has admitted a charge of assault occasioning actual bodily harm on former Manchester City teammate Ousmane Dabo. Barton is currently serving a six-month jail term for an attack while on bail in which he punched a man in Liverpool.

The Sun:

Soccer yobbo Joey Barton dodged a second jail term for thuggery yesterday – as Newscastle United finally gave him the boot… the £5.8million midfielder’s career in football “IS effectively over”.

The Mirror:

Joey Barton is ready to pick up his career with Newcastle and return in time for pre-season training – despite pleading guilty to assault yesterday for a second time… Toon manager Keegan is happy to have Barton back…”

Such are the facts…

Posted: 1st, July 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment


Liverpool Rings Bells For Fernando Torres

ENGLAND and Liverpool’s Euro 2008 hero Fernando Torres is having trouble at home. Says the Star:

Euro 2008 match-winner Fernando Torres has been keeping his neighbours up – because he can’t turn off his house alarm.

And he needs one.

Five Liverpool footballers have been burgled in the last 18 months in what appear to have been targeted robberies, it has emerged.

Plus Steven Gerrard, and his Wag-tastic wife Alex Curran. That’s no mere alarm, Fernando, it’s the sound of the city and acceptance…

Posted: 1st, July 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Oil Crisis Hits Auto Trader

AUTO Trader magaxine responds to the oil crisis:

Via

Posted: 30th, June 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (3)


How Many BBC Hacks It Takes To Cover The Olympics: Update

HOW many BBC staff it takes to cover the Olympics: update?

The BBC will send 437 staff to Beijing, a level essential, it says, for extensive programming. They will deliver 2,750 hours of coverage from 28 Olympic sports across 31 venues. Six channels on the BBC Sport website will provide constant live feeds.

And how many athletes is Team GB sending to China?

Around 300…

Posted: 30th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets | Comments (2)


French Understatement Of The Day

OVER in Carcassonne, members of a marines parachute regiment are demonstrating a hostage liberation exercise to visitors.

Bang go the bullets. And fifteen civilians, including five children, and two soldiers are injured.

The senior official for the Aude region where Carcassonne is located, Bernard Lemaire, said that investigators believed the deadly ammunition was loaded by mistake.

“The question being asked is ‘Did the soldier engage in a criminal act or not?’,” Lemaire said. “For now, no one can answer that, but the theory being worked on is one of error.”

Such is the investigation…

Posted: 30th, June 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (7)


Good Clean Fun With Glasto, Euro and Brillo

EURO 2008 is at an end and the papers have had to make do with the lack of rioting, anthem booing and stories of police brutality with news of a football match.

An image of Spain’s Fernando Torres celebrating his decisive goal in the Euro 2008 final occupies the front pages of the Star, Guardian, Sun, and the Times.

He is so very clean.

On the cover of the Telegraph there is also a picture of goings on at Glastonbury, a sea of smiling and above all clean faces giving full throat to the music.

Inside, and the Telegraph has a report from Glasto by London Mayor Boris Johnson’s father, Stanley Johnson.

As dawn breaks on my first Glastonbury morning, I find myself wandering through a still-sleeping encampment like Henry V before the Battle of Agincourt.

Hard to imagine that before glorious battle the legions were so well scrubbed.

Given the mud and the tension with Wino at Glasto and Fernando at Euro, Anorak marvels at the cleanliness of the main players who seem to have been washed by brillo.

Posted: 30th, June 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)


Euro 2008: Let’s Mention The War And Cellars

AUSTRIAN. In the cellar:

The Ernst Happel Stadium in Vienna will play host to the crowning glory of the European football season when it stages the Euro 2008 final on the 29th of June. However, the stadium has a sinister past. In 1939, more than 1000 Jews were imprisoned in the catacombs under the stands while they waited to be deported to Buchenwald. Despite that, ” the football continued as usual”.

Two halves and one Spanish goal, doo-dah, doo-dah…

Source

Posted: 29th, June 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment


Euro 2008: England Expects The Usual Final

IT’S the morn of the final of Euro 2008 and the papers are celebrating in traditional fashion, as they must for every major football tournament:

STAR ON SUNDAY (front page): “WAG HOLIDAY SECRETS REVEALED”

OBSERVER (front page): “BRAVEHEART – MURRAY GOES THROUGH”

NEWS OF THE WORLD: David Beckham is smiling

Picture: Anorak’s live cam of Vienna ground staff preparing the pitch…

Posted: 29th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comment


The Ronaldo Tabloid League

RONALDO is heading to Real Madrid (all papers). Ronaldo is not heading to real Madrid (all papers).

Ronaldo is on the beach and in case he goes to Madrid the tabloids are using up as much space on him as possible: here is today’s Ronaldo League table:

TEAM                                      SCORE (with lover Nerida Gallardo) POINTS

Daily Star & Garter Yes 11
The Sun-ning Yes-Yes-Yes 8
Daily Mail Island Yes 6
Daily Mirror Wanderers Yes 6

Pool dividend: Very likely

Posted: 26th, June 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (3)


Euro 2008: America Embassy In Berlin Calling Germany

german.jpgTHE American embassy in Germany, tells its peoples:

“Because of the high fan interest in this prestigious semi-final elimination game between Germany and Turkey, there exists the possibility that disturbances, including violent disturbances may occur before, during or after the match, which begins at 20:45”

Take care, under uber alles:

At a minimum, post-game celebrations will likely result in traffic congestion in larger cities. Crowds celebrating previous German and/or Turkish victories have blocked streets and rocked vehicles attempting to pass through them.

Deutsche Welle concludes:

The embassy’s statement makes downtown Berlin sound a bit like Falluja or the Gaza Strip, but DW-WORLD has learned the potential threats run far deeper.

For you ze var ist nofink…

Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Politicians | Comments (4)


Euro 2008: Quote Of The Night

EURO 2008: Austria calling. This is Austria calling…

Whatever happens, they’re going to make the most of it under a brooding Transylvanian sky

– Jake Humphrey, BBC Football presenter live with the Turkish fans in Austria

Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, TV & Radio | Comments (2)


The Daily Mail On Life After Come On Timmy Henman

TIMMY. Timmm-mmmeeeeee. Tiiiiiimmmm-ieyeieyeiey….

Sometimes you just have to love the Daily Mail and its wonderful sense of encouragement, optimism and by no means exclusive view of exactly what makes you British. You can almost sense the touch of the manic depressive in whoever wrote the headline, starting off encouraged, falling to uncertainty and finally to utter despair. A BRITISH WINNER, but it’s only day one, and in our view she’s not really British anyway, and she’s probably lower class, and not very good looking with poor dress sense too…

And so forth. Now Tim Henman, he knew how to lose a game in typically middle class fashion….

Septic Isle

Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Wimbledon Update: Serena Williams On Barack Obama And God

obama-believe.jpgQUOTE of the day: Serena Williams on the un-god-like Barack Obama:

Not that she affected to care. As a cultural phenomenon, her interests encompass so many spheres that after her 7-5, 6-3 win she was even asked what she thought of Barack Obama’s chances in the US presidential election. It drew a typically head-in-the-clouds answer. “I am excited to see Obama doing his thing. But as a Jehovah’s Witness I don’t get involved in politics. We stay neutral. We don’t vote. We don’t get a part of those worldly things.”

Oliver Brown, Daily Telegraph 

Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Politicians | Comments (3)


Lines On Wimbledon By Serena Williams And Maria Sharapova

serena-williams-coat.jpgFOR as long as Old Mr Anorak can recall Wimbledon meant just one thing: frilly knickers.

Cliff Richard had tried to move the summer event away from knickers toward boating jackets, but his work was undone by Ms Kylie Minogue seeing off the rain in a selection of knickers, culminating in her popping out of the men’s trophy dressed in a gold pair of apple catchers.

Says Maria Sharapova in the Mail:

“I’ve never worn shorts at a Grand Slam. I’m going to be debuting that. Call it menswear, obviously. It’s kind of like a tuxedo look, very simple lines, classic.”

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Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comment (1)


China Demolishes Mosque For Not Backing Olympics

AND they’re off:

BEIJING: Chinese authorities in Xinjiang have demolished a mosque for refusing to put up signs in support of this August’s Beijing Olympics, an exiled group said on Monday.

The mosque was in Kalpin county near Aksu city in Xinjiang’s rugged southwest, the World Uyghur Congress said.

“China is forcing mosques in East Turkistan to publicise the Beijing Olympics to get the Uighur people to support the Games (but) this has been resisted by the Uighurs,” World Uyghur Congress spokesman Dilxat Raxit said in an email.

Beijing says al-Qaida is working with militants in Xinjiang to use terror to establish an independent state called East Turkistan. Oil-rich Xinjiang is home to 8 million Turkic-speaking Uighurs, many of whom resent the growing economic and cultural influence of the Han Chinese.

Source 

Posted: 24th, June 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)


Mike Tyson Saved By Religion

THE New York Post has been hearing of a plot to murder boxer Mike Tyson:

Former heavyweight boxing champ Mike Tyson was saved by religion – literally.

“They were discussing [how] Mike Tyson had to be murdered,” gang member Shelby Henderson said yesterday about a conversation in 2000 among members of the vicious Cash Money Brothers.

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Posted: 24th, June 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment


Not Wayne and Coleen’s Wedding Reception

wayne-coleen.jpgCAN you copyright Wayne Rooney and Coleen McLoughlin’s wedding, as OK! claims on its front page?

Fearful of falling foul of the OK! legal eagles who have so handsomely tipped the waiter at the Raj Poot Curry House and TAN-dori Spa, Anorak’s relives the do on the Italian Riviera, a location as far removed from the actual event as possible.

Rather than have Wayne say his usual “F** yoos you c***”, we have instead: “Coleen, I love you more than words can say – you’re my life.”

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Posted: 24th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, OK! | Comments (10)