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Premier League news. Stories from the newspapers and BBC sport – sports news from tabloids Daily Mail, Daily Express, Daily Star, the Guardian, Daily Mirror, the times, daily telegraph

Best Football Message Of The Season

THE best football message of the season so far – over the Tannoy:

“Can the people trying to break into the boardroom please be aware you are on CCTV.”

At Mansfield.

Posted: 2nd, June 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (2)


Celebrity Headline Of The Day: The Crisp Cheryl Cole

dorito-cheryl-cole.jpgCELEBRITY HEADLINE of the day: “Cheryl Cole rubbishes weight worries and tucks into crisps”

The Mirror brings news of Cheryl Cole, wife to vomitous footballer Ashley Cole and singer with the Girls Aloud cabaret act:

Finally. Cheryl Cole proves Girls are Aloud to eat – by tucking into a big bag of Doritos all on her own.

Surely dipping in? – Ed…

Posted: 2nd, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


John Terry’s Nuremberg Trial, By Matt Dickinson

john-terry-hoolcaust.jpgJOHN Terry is restored to greatness with a headed goal in England’s 2-0 victory over Team USA, a fine footballing nation whose legends are known to all soccerball fans: Pele, Beckham, Beckenbauer.

And he has suffered much. Matt Dickinson, the Times’ chief sports correspondent, puts that Champions’ League failure in perspective:

“Avram Grant, the Chelsea first team coach, has a perspective on life because of the traumas his family suffered in the Holocaust, but even he was struggling to find the words to ease the pain of Terry, who was white with shock.”

Terry missed a penalty – unlike those Germans who never miss, unless they are at Nuremberg…

Posted: 29th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets | Comment (1)


Coleen McLoughlin Flees To New York

wedding-dress.jpegPANIC! Coleen McLoughlin has had to make an emergency dash to New York just two weeks before her wedding to Wayne Rooney.

So says the Mail. But why? Because, dear readers, her £100,000 Marchesa dress no longer fits.

A source says Coleen had to “sneak out” of the country and into New York, possibly under the cloak of darkness and disguised as an Islamic fundamentalist to avoid arousing suspicion. She may have worn an oversized baseball cap to fit in, with a W and C entwined on the front, or some other logo that she’s working on.

But some how the press got wind of it, and the entire mad-cap drama threatens to steal the thunder from her £3 million OK!-sponsored wedding.

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Posted: 28th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, OK!, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Fabio Capello Speaks English

capello1.jpgFAB Crapello, sorry, Fabio Capello (pardona nortra Eyyetalliano)) is speaking English in public for the first time, says the Express.

Capello is at Arsenal’s training ground, where he is taking his “oral exams”. Tonight Crapello’s Inglanda are taking on the might of the deliciosa-icy-creama USA.

The thought of watching the effete and palsied England take on a team for whom football is what you play when you’re too short for basketball, too slim for baseball and too scared for ice hockey pales in comparison to hearing Capello spika da Inglish.

Says he: “Sure, they won’t be fresh like the USA players, but we need to play with intensity and it’s possible to do that for one hour or 70 minutes.”

There is a chance that Capello has learned that sentence off by heart and in his mind might be ordering a drink at the local rubba-dubba or telling a taxi cabba to take him to see the Queen at Buckingham Palace.

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Posted: 28th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (10)


EDF Energy Cuts Power To Olympics

korbut.jpgEDF Energy says it wants to use the 2012 Olypic Games as a “turning point” in the fight against climate change.

In 2012, we’ll give up and just allow the planet to change without our interference.

The campaign, which launches on May 26, will promotes EDF Energy’s role as the first sustainability partner of the London Olympics and encourages consumers to save energy by visiting its site. It will run across TV, radio and digital activity.

Save energy by watching the telly and then turning on the web. The ads feature former champions running on a giant wheel hooked up to a dynamo. Champions like Olga Korbut, a resident of Scottsdale, Arizona, where the average temperatures are:

May 93.6; June 103.5; July 105.9; August 103.7; and September 98.3.”

Korbut has developed a program for adults using basic gymnastics warm-up exercises.

Like flying to London -which means everyone warms up…

Posted: 26th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Online-PR | Comment


We’re Not Going On An Olympic Holiday

ALL change. The No. 16 to Beijing will not be stopping at Beijing.

Proposals to send a red double-decker bus by road from London to China, to coincide with the Olympics, have been dropped after critics derided the idea as a gimmick and a waste of almost half a million pounds…

Taxpayers will still pay more than half the bill for the project, lauded by Ken Livingstone, because of the expense incurred in planning the journey and hiring bus drivers.

The move comes as Boris Johnson, the new Mayor of London, launches an Olympics cost-cutting drive and says that as few officials as possible would be attending the Games.

Mr Livingstone claimed that the Beijing trip would highlight London’s public transport system to the world, via one of its most recognisable symbols, and help to forge ties with China.

It was cancelled last week by London 2012 organisers and Transport for London (TfL), which funded the journey, in the wake of the earthquake in Sichuan province.

The trip, which was to be undertaken by eight drivers at a cost of £450,000, was considered to be unsafe and in bad taste, given the scale of the disaster. However, given that Mr Johnson had denounced it during the election campaign as a publicity stunt and a “ludicrous waste of public money”, the decision was regarded by his aides as a “happy coincidence”.

A spokesman for Mr Johnson said: “He was already very sceptical about it and in need of persuading, but TfL and the Olympics board reflected on the earthquake and decided to pull it anyway.”

Mr Johnson scrapped another facet of Mr Livingstone’s legacy when he axed a controversial tie-up with Venezuela, and half-price bus and tram travel for some of the capital’s least well-off. Mr Livingstone signed a deal with the South American nation’s state-owned oil company last year, agreeing to provide transport advice in return for a 20 per cent cut in TfL’s bus fuel bill.

The savings were used to offer discount fares to around 250,000 people on income support.

At the launch of his successful campaign to oust the two-term Labour Mayor, Mr Johnson called the deal with Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez “completely Caracas”.

No room up top – although it’s empty…

Posted: 26th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Politicians | Comment


Liverpool Daily Post Celebrates Big Night Of Football

WORDSDEPARTMENT spots something in the The Liverpool Daily Post:

EVERTON youngsters are celebrating a fine tournament success after winning the under-13s girls Premier League Schools Tournament…

“In fairness, they did mention the Champion’s League final in passing. It was part of a story about a £1.5m cash bonus for Everton thanks to the fine print in Wayne Rooney’s transfer deal to Man United in 2004.”

Calm down…

 

Posted: 26th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment


Alex Ferguson Loves Coleen

“FERGIE: I LOVE COLEEN,” says the Sun’s front page, and we see a picture of the puce Alex Ferguson and another of Wayne Rooney’s lover Coleen McLoughlin.

He much prefers Wayne and Coleen because they are “a different class”.

A different class to what, the rest of mankind? Has Fergie been studying biology, in which case it’s different classification, rather then class?

Posted: 26th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment


The Purple Emporor: Fergie Loves Coleen McLoughlin

alexferguson.jpg“FERGIE: I LOVE COLEEN,” says the Sun’s front page, and we see a picture of the puce Alex Ferguson and another of Wayne Rooney’s lover Coleen McLoughlin.

He much prefers Wayne and Coleen because they are “a different class”.

A different class to what, the rest of mankind? Has Fergie been studying biology, in which case it’s different classification, rather then class?

Over in the Sun, Coleen and Wayne are making preparations for their marriage.
Fifty guests at an Italian clifftop abbey — “visible only from the sea”, and in OK! — will each be given a hand-made box tied with a ribbon and containing a live butterfly.

On the command “f*** off you Portuguese w*anker” guests will then open their containers and watch the creatures flutter away.

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Posted: 26th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment


Who Bares Sins: SAS Action With Tania Zaetta, Andy McNab And John Terry

tania_zaetta.jpgTANIA Zaetta is, says the Sun, best known in Australia for hosting her daredevil action girl show Who Dares Wins.

In papers released by the Australian MoD, four members of that country’s special forces claim to have bedded Tania on her moral boosting trip to Afghanistan – “and had photos and video to prove it”.

Ms Zaetta denies all claims.

In such moments it is customary for the Sun to summon its shadowy Defence Expert Andy McNab and hear what visiting celebs and glamour models can and cannot do in the battle zone.

But McNab is otherwise employed, dispatched on a mission to answer the question:

“FOOTBALL hardman John Terry blubbed like a baby after his scuffed spot-kick helped lose Chelsea the Champions League trophy in a nail-biting shootout. But is it ever okay for sportsmen to cry?”

McNab, who last cried when he wanted to test if the canoe he’d fashion from a hollowed out Iraqi was seaworthy says:

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Posted: 23rd, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)


Cristiano Ronaldo Puts End To Manchester United Speculation

ronaldo-cristiano.bmpCRISTIANO Ronaldo, Manchester United’s winger who before an appearance on Celebrity Come Dancing – he’s but a step over from a cha-cha-cha – will play for Real Madrid. Or not.Here’s the news:

Sky: Ronaldo – I want to stay

Daily Mirror: Cristiano Ronaldo pledges to stay at Manchester United

Daily Telegraph: “Cristiano Ronaldo happy to keep options open

Daily Star: RONALDO MAKES ‘NO PROMISES’ ON FUTURE

Guardian: “I will decide next week whether I stay or go, says unsteady Ronaldo

The Sun:” The Portugal superstar, 23, finally quashed all the speculation about his future — which has been driven by Real Madrid’s fanzines”

And many, many more…

Posted: 23rd, May 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (11)


Paul Gascoigne’s £10,000 French Stick

gascoigne.jpgRISING commodity prices and now the news that Paul Gascoigne has bought a loaf of bread for £10,000.

Gascoigne is said to be “starving”. He is also said to be “tragic”, “bleary-eyed”, “tortured”, “gaunt” and “stumbling”.

But above all else he is hungry (surely “a genius” – Ed). As the Star says: “The football legend tried to cash a cheque for £10,000 to buy food at an all-night shop.”

Geordies already working out the number of kebabs and polystyrene pots of curry sauce ten grand can get you by the Bigg Market should know that their sacred son was in the West End of London.

Says the Star: “Confused Gazza, who made the cheque out to himself, claimed his cash card had been stolen. The shopkeeper took pity on the ex-England ace and gave him a French bread stick.”

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Posted: 23rd, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Jordan To Compete In 2012 Olympics

jordan-olympics.jpgIT’S the 2012 Olympic Games and the rider enters the arena. No more than 23 seconds later the horse she is sat upon emerges.

“Katie Andre-Price-Jordan-Rooney-Windsor riding Dana,” comes the announcer’s brogue.

Dana is dressed for the occasion in a pink cowboy hat, Swarovski-encrusted bikini and white leather boots.

News in the Sun is that pop acorn Peter Andre has bought Kaite a horse, and that she plans to ride it in the Olympic dressage.

Says a pal: “Katie loves training and riding her horses but wants to take it a step further. It’s her dream to compete in a dressage competition at the Olympics.”

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Posted: 22nd, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)


Arsenal Calling: Ashley Cole Fails To Win Champions’ League

ARSENAL calling. Arsenal calling. Come in, Ashley Cole. Come in, Ashley Cole…

Cheryl Cole… Aimee Walton…Brooke Healy…

Your boy took one hell of a beating… 

Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment


The wOmen Of The Mosely Nazi Orgy

ALL the women from the Max Mosley Nazi Orgy

Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment


Arsenal Fans Wish Ashley Cole Best Of Luck

ashley-cole.jpg“MADMAN Claude Makelele handed Chelsea a huge Champions League scare when his two-footed lunge left Ashley Cole crocked last night,” notes the Sun.

England left-back Cole was treated for 15 minutes by medical staff during a training session in the Luzhniki Stadium…Cole, 27, tried to carry on training but quickly pulled up again.

Missing the final would be a cruel blow for Cole.

Arsenal fans keen to wish Ashley all the best can so hereunder…

Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment


The Best TV Football Chant Ever

CHELSEA and Manchester United fans flocking into Red Square may be wondering what they should be singing.

The Surrey Blues may enthuse about vegetables and the Cockney Reds about doing the Lambeth Walk, but they should know that the top tune on the football terraces is Nessun Dorma.

The Performing Right Society survey of radio and telly found that Luciano (“You fat bastard”) Pavarotti’s performance of the aria is the most widely-played football song.
Arsenal’s 1998 FA Cup Final song Hot Stuff was No2 ahead of DJ Otzi’s 2002 World Cup remix Hey Baby.

Fans may well scratch their heads. Anorak’s own survey of televised football matches, songs heard on live broadcasts, reveals that the top football songs are:

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (12)


Joey Barton Sentenced To Six Months Jail

PREMIERSHIP footballer Joey Barton has been jailed for six months after admitting assault and affray.

Posted: 20th, May 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (4)


Down In The Dumps: Portsmouth’s Glen Johnson Medal Stolen

toilet-seat-big.jpgTWO Portsmouth footballers have had their FA Cup winners’ medals stolen.

One is Jamie Ashdown, the other Glen Johnson, who is “devastated” and, as the Sun says, “gutted”.

Says Johnson: “It is something you want to treasure for your whole life and show your kids and grandkids.

This is Portsmouth full-back Glen Johnson, who in 2007 entered a B&Q in Dartford, Kent, and was caught trying to steal bathroom fittings.

Johnson was spotted by a security guard secreting a toilet seat into a box with a cheaper price tag. Aided by Millwall striker Ben May, he also hid a set of taps underneath a sink at the checkout to avoid paying for them.

The player, once heralded as a future player, and had been bought by Chelsea for £7million, was, reportedly, caught by a 74-year-old security guard. The events offered insight into his mental and physical condition.

Johnson was dined £80. And he explained:

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Posted: 20th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (4)


Double Amputee Oscar Pistorius Can Run In The Olympics

DOUBLE-amputee sprinter Oscar Pistorius has won his appeal Friday and can compete for a place in the Beijing Olympics.

The Court of Arbitration for Sport ruled that the 21-year-old South African is eligible to race against able-bodied athletes, overturning a ban imposed by the International Association of Athletics Federations.

CAS said the unanimous ruling goes into effect immediately.

“I am ecstatic,” Pistorius told reporters in Milan, Italy. “When I found out, I cried. It is a battle that has been going on for far too long. It’s a great day for sport. I think this day is going to go down in history for the equality of disabled people.”

Pistorius should compete. And other athletes should go hard on him. Going easy on the South African would be a violation of the sporting ethos: to do your best.

Why not let him run?

And if he wins Olympic Gold? Well, the naysayers who bemoan his “advantage” will worry at the possibilty of other athletes chopping off their limps to win?

No bother. Let them. Athletes already deform their bodies – with drugs…

Via

Posted: 16th, May 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (26)


FA Cup Final Preview: Meet The Players

sulley-muntari.jpgIT’S the FA Cup final tomorrow, and Portsmouth are taking on Cardiff City.

Just time, then, to introduce you to some of the names you may be less than familiar with.

The Sun kicks off with Sulley Muntari, the Portsmouth striker.

Muntari signed for Portsmouth from Italian club Udinese for £7million in 2007. He is dating Miss Universe 2004 agonist Menaye Donkor.

And he has been sleeping with Amanda Jones, who he met at a lap-dance club in sunny Bournemouth.

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Posted: 16th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)


The Football Focus Jihad: Rangers And The Suicide Bombers

football-hooligan.jpg“DESPICABLE,” says the Mirror. “A pack of drunken football fans hunts down and batters a cop. Once again our national game is left lying in the gutter.”

Turns out the Independent got it wrong, although let us not be hasty and rule out the chance that the Rangers fans were intimidating the smaller Russian contingent and so preventing more mayhem.

While the Mirror salivates over the “carnage”, we wonder how much worse it could have been? And we learn in the Sun of Ibrahim Savant who, allegedly, produced a martyrdom suicide video and labelled it “Football Focus”.

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Posted: 16th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment


No Drinking In Moscow For Manchester United And Chelsea Fans

CHELSEA and Manchester United fans listen: there’s no alcohol in Moscow:

Russia’s minister of sport has promised an unprecedented police presence, a ban on public drinking and the absence of outdoor TV screens to keep order when more than 42,000 Chelsea and Manchester United supporters descend on Moscow for the Champions League final.

A ban on public drinking?

“Drinking in public areas is not allowed under Russian law but there are plenty of places where consumption can take place,” said Alexey Sorokin, head of Russia’s Champions League organising committee.

Like in shop doorways, on benches, in teh gutter – which are all private…

Posted: 16th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets | Comment (1)


Obama Wants Debate With Jihadists Who Blow Up Children

obama_and_ahmadinejad.jpgHOW do you debate this, Barack Obama?

A young girl carrying explosives that killed her, an Iraqi captain and injured four soldiers was blown up by remote control, officials said today.

The incident happened as she approached an Iraqi command post in Youssifiyah, south Baghdad, earlier this morning.

Iraqi army Lieutenant Ahmed Ali confirmed that the girl, who had hidden explosives strapped to her, was the cause of the blast …

“The bomber was detonated by remote control, killing Captain Wassem al-Maamouri and injuring four soldiers,” Ali added.

Says George Bush, widely regarded as an idiot:

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Posted: 15th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Politicians | Comments (5)