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Premier League news. Stories from the newspapers and BBC sport – sports news from tabloids Daily Mail, Daily Express, Daily Star, the Guardian, Daily Mirror, the times, daily telegraph

The Daily Mail On Life After Come On Timmy Henman

TIMMY. Timmm-mmmeeeeee. Tiiiiiimmmm-ieyeieyeiey….

Sometimes you just have to love the Daily Mail and its wonderful sense of encouragement, optimism and by no means exclusive view of exactly what makes you British. You can almost sense the touch of the manic depressive in whoever wrote the headline, starting off encouraged, falling to uncertainty and finally to utter despair. A BRITISH WINNER, but it’s only day one, and in our view she’s not really British anyway, and she’s probably lower class, and not very good looking with poor dress sense too…

And so forth. Now Tim Henman, he knew how to lose a game in typically middle class fashion….

Septic Isle

Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Wimbledon Update: Serena Williams On Barack Obama And God

obama-believe.jpgQUOTE of the day: Serena Williams on the un-god-like Barack Obama:

Not that she affected to care. As a cultural phenomenon, her interests encompass so many spheres that after her 7-5, 6-3 win she was even asked what she thought of Barack Obama’s chances in the US presidential election. It drew a typically head-in-the-clouds answer. “I am excited to see Obama doing his thing. But as a Jehovah’s Witness I don’t get involved in politics. We stay neutral. We don’t vote. We don’t get a part of those worldly things.”

Oliver Brown, Daily Telegraph 

Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Politicians | Comments (3)


Lines On Wimbledon By Serena Williams And Maria Sharapova

serena-williams-coat.jpgFOR as long as Old Mr Anorak can recall Wimbledon meant just one thing: frilly knickers.

Cliff Richard had tried to move the summer event away from knickers toward boating jackets, but his work was undone by Ms Kylie Minogue seeing off the rain in a selection of knickers, culminating in her popping out of the men’s trophy dressed in a gold pair of apple catchers.

Says Maria Sharapova in the Mail:

“I’ve never worn shorts at a Grand Slam. I’m going to be debuting that. Call it menswear, obviously. It’s kind of like a tuxedo look, very simple lines, classic.”

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Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comment (1)


China Demolishes Mosque For Not Backing Olympics

AND they’re off:

BEIJING: Chinese authorities in Xinjiang have demolished a mosque for refusing to put up signs in support of this August’s Beijing Olympics, an exiled group said on Monday.

The mosque was in Kalpin county near Aksu city in Xinjiang’s rugged southwest, the World Uyghur Congress said.

“China is forcing mosques in East Turkistan to publicise the Beijing Olympics to get the Uighur people to support the Games (but) this has been resisted by the Uighurs,” World Uyghur Congress spokesman Dilxat Raxit said in an email.

Beijing says al-Qaida is working with militants in Xinjiang to use terror to establish an independent state called East Turkistan. Oil-rich Xinjiang is home to 8 million Turkic-speaking Uighurs, many of whom resent the growing economic and cultural influence of the Han Chinese.

Source 

Posted: 24th, June 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)


Mike Tyson Saved By Religion

THE New York Post has been hearing of a plot to murder boxer Mike Tyson:

Former heavyweight boxing champ Mike Tyson was saved by religion – literally.

“They were discussing [how] Mike Tyson had to be murdered,” gang member Shelby Henderson said yesterday about a conversation in 2000 among members of the vicious Cash Money Brothers.

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Posted: 24th, June 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment


Not Wayne and Coleen’s Wedding Reception

wayne-coleen.jpgCAN you copyright Wayne Rooney and Coleen McLoughlin’s wedding, as OK! claims on its front page?

Fearful of falling foul of the OK! legal eagles who have so handsomely tipped the waiter at the Raj Poot Curry House and TAN-dori Spa, Anorak’s relives the do on the Italian Riviera, a location as far removed from the actual event as possible.

Rather than have Wayne say his usual “F** yoos you c***”, we have instead: “Coleen, I love you more than words can say – you’re my life.”

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Posted: 24th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, OK! | Comments (10)


Game, Set And Clench At Wimbledon

tennis-wimbledon.gifIT’S Wimbledon and the talk is of the female players’ shorts game.

Pictures aplenty of Maria Phwaoarrapova in her shorts and knickers and shots of Dominika Cilbul-luva and Bethanie Gussett in the Sun.

The Sun’s worm’s-eye view is provided by one James Clench, whose job it is to make Sun footy fans think tennis is evey bit as good as Euro 2008.

To support the illusion, Clench calls upon a roofer called Steve. “I come here for the tennis but there’s no denying it’s a bonus to watch  some of the women’s players running around in short skirts,” says tennis crazy Steve.

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Posted: 24th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Gazza 2008: Back Of The 80s

gazza-2008.jpgMORE news form Gazza 2008, this summer’s big footy story.

“GAZZA & Shezza back togezza,” says the Star’s front page in newzzzzz to thrill.

“GIZZA Kiss,” says the Mirror. It’s “Gazza’s lovin’ smacker from ex-wife Sheryl.”

“GAZZA’S kiss of hope,” is also the Express’s lead news story.

It’s a game of two better halves going into extra time, paying the penalty for too much scoring and vowing that this time, more than any other time, this time, they’ll get it right…

Posted: 24th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment


Wimbledon At Euro 2008

tennis-wimbledon.gifIT’S 2008… It’s Wimbledon… Get ready sports fanzzz….

Picture: Monkeon 

Posted: 23rd, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Photojournalism | Comments (9)


Gazza 2008: Gascoigne Survives Group Of Death

gazza-2008.jpgMORE GAZZA 2008 news as troubled Paul Gascoigne is spotted walking in the grounds of his training complex with ex-Wag Sheryl and son Regan.

In what many are calling a cry for help, the Sun uses its front page to says that “Gazza, who is being treated at the Priory Clinic four miles away in Roehampton, donned a pink T-shirt and jeans for his day out” at Kew Gardens.

Reports the Sun: “Keen fisherman Gazza also perused the botanical gardens’ aquatic display.”

Said one onlooker: “It’s a game of two brain halves and with some decent coaching and pep pills (surely pep talk?) he can all the way…”

Posted: 23rd, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment


Why Papers Love Wimbledon

wimbledon.pngRUB your hands on your flannels and say “Change Ends!” to the Sun’s “Perfect 10s of tennis”.

It’s Wimbledon and Sun has dusted off the puns to bring us the “Perfect 10s of tennis”, the “cream of the courts” getting “a strawberry fruitiness rating out of five”.

It’s head turning stuff:

Russian doll MARIA SHARAPOVA is just 21 but has already shown smashing form on grass…

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Posted: 23rd, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Euro 2008 With The Fritzls

euro2008.jpgFRITZL Watch: Anorak’s look at Josef Fritzl, Elisabeth Fritzl, Nazis and assorted Fritzls in the news

EURO 2008 – Who are you not supporting? Today we’re cheering on the Fritzls.

Says the Star:

Fritzl was a big football fan and the secret family he kept locked in his cellar in Austria also grew to love following the game on TV.

But, although Austria is hosting the tournament with Switzerland, his daughter Elisabeth and the six children Fritzl fathered with her had been banned from watching live telly.

Because:

Medics issued the order, fearing they would see news reports about themselves.

But Austria never progressed to the tournament’s latter stages, and for them ze competition vas over when zer Germans routed them at Ernst Happel Stadium.

“Shot-shy Austria frustrate coach,” says the BBC. “Germany are bombing on,” opined the BBC’s Mark Lawrenson, although on whom was not said.

The Beeb never got time to mention the Fritzls, but had Austria progressed to the quarter-finals it surely would have…

Posted: 23rd, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment


Ashley And Cheryl Are Sickly Sweet

coles2.jpgMORE Euro 2008 news on the Sun and Mirror’s cover pages where Ashley Cole is poised to go all the way, and possibly make it to the sink, toilet bowl or cup.

And he’s not alone. To his side the Sun spots his wife, one Cheryl Cole, wearing a drip-dry bikini, protective hat and smile.

“Ash she gone mad,” asks the Sun, and we too wonder if Cheryl should venture out with Cole sans umbrella, tissues and sanitary wipes.

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Posted: 21st, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (5)


Euro 2008: Colin Kazim-Richards

gazza-2008.jpgEURO 2008 Quote of The Day: Turkey and England’s Colin Kazim-Richards

I’m English, without a doubt. I will never ever say I’m not English. English born and bred. I’m Turkish though”

Kazim-Richards plays football for Turkey

Posted: 20th, June 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (6)


Chavscot: Getting ‘Em Off At Ascot

lady_godiva.jpgIT’S Chavscot, the Ascot racing jamboree, staged in a beery hall by a circular midget farm in Surrey.

The Independent leads with a picture of two women dressed in matching day-glo dresses and feathery hats. Below them is the headline: “GM crops needed in Britain says minister.”

Well, we’ve already got GM people, dressed the same, behaving the same, homogenised by a diet of Bacardi Breezers, curry sauce and horse manure.

And they’re told what to wear by the Duke of Devonshire, who decreed that anyone entering the Royal enclosure should not wear mini skirts or strappy dresses (back to the closet, Eddie) and avoid streaky bottle tan, electing instead to bronze on a former plantation in the Caribbean.

The Telegraph Bryony Gordon wants to fit in and in “Ditch the decorum for a day at Royal Ascot” is advised by a “kind soul” to act like a lady.

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Posted: 19th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (5)


Euro 2008: Swiss Pay Tribute To Germany’s Nazi Past

SWITZERLAND – a land where euthanasia is legal: 

Swiss television has made an embarrassing error during live coverage of the European Championship football match between Germany and Austria.

The national channel SRG ran subtitles to Germany’s national anthem including the obsolete first verse – ignored since the fall of the Third Reich.

“Deutschland, Deutschland ueber alles” or “Germany, Germany above everything”, was popular under the Nazis’ rule.

The third verse, on its own, became the anthem following unification in 1990.

The third verse, which begins “unity and justice and liberty for the German fatherland”, was sung by Germans in the west of the country after World War II.

And that verse alone became the official anthem after East and West Germany unified.

Tsk! Kan’t ve all just learn to leeve in peace..!? Cue the music, Mel…

Posted: 18th, June 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (2)


Coleen And Wayne Rooney’s Britney Spears Theme Wedding

THE wedding of Wayne Rooney and his Coleen, and a question for OK! readers:

Who would have thought that two 16 year olds who met on the streets of Liverpool, went to an Austin Powers movie, and got engaged on a petrol station forecourt , would six years later be getting married in the most glamorous and talked-about wedding of the decade?”

Well, not OK! which would surely have secured the rights to the wedding snaps for something more akin to a Family pack of Revels and a quick feel by the crisps, rather then £3million.

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Posted: 18th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, OK! | Comments (2)


The Celebrity Baby Ordering Service

celebrity-baby-service.jpgRING! RING!

This is recorded announcement. The Celebrity Baby Ordering Service is busy right now.

Press 1 to leave an order; 2 for returns; 3 for the Malawi office; 4 for a product recall on Armanis.

In the meantime, a word from our sponsors:

Coleen McLoughlin and her footballer Wayne Rooney have placed an order for “three or four” babies (Mirror).

Looks are unspecified, so too marketable skills, but the packages available are:

The C for 3: Three children – one boy (Capri Son) and two girls (Chamois and Jolie).

The D for 4: Four boys – (Capri Son, Bros, Eusebio) and a discounted ginger child called Leslie Edmonds.

Beep!

Hollywood VIP Nicole Richie and her tattooed Elton John look-alike singer husband Joel Madden have placed an order in the National Enquirer.

Says Richie: “I want five children. Twin boys and three girls.”

She’s opted for the B for Five package – Julian, Dick, Anne and the twin boys George and Timmy.

Beep! Message ends.

Cue theme song from Annie…

Picture: 14

Posted: 17th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (3)


Olympic Shames: Austarlia Boycotts Beijing Opening Ceremony

THAT Beijing Olympics announcement:

Australian Olympic officials have banned the country’s athletes from marching at this summer’s opening ceremony in Beijing because of concerns about air pollution in the Chinese capital.

Can they cycle instead?

Posted: 17th, June 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (4)


Stevenage Borough New Kit

THE new Stevenage Borough kit – sack the marketing department:

new-kit-box-web.jpg

Via here and here 

Posted: 17th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Photojournalism | Comments (10)


Euro2008: Those Results In Full

gazza-2008.jpgIT’S Gazza2008 and the papers are going cray-zee for footy.

Next season’s Premier League football fixtures are in and so too are the scores:

Daily Mirror 8 pages – Sun 3 pages.

Daily Star 4 pages – Daily Express 4 pages

Says “tormented “Paul Gascoigne in the Mirror: “I’M SORRY I BEAT YOU – tearful Gazza tells ex of guilt.”

Such is his sportsmanship, which is sorely lacking on today’s modern footballers…

Posted: 17th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Beijing Olympics: No Middle Name, No Ticket

Middle name? No tickets for you: The WSJ’s China Journal blog reports:

The online application forms requested only first and last names. But when foreigners showed up to claim their tickets, using passports for identification, bank staff refused to hand over tickets to people whose passports also included a middle name. (It’s a non-issue for most Chinese, who use family names and given names but not separate “middle” names.)

Mr Smith…

Posted: 16th, June 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)


Austria V Germany

BBC broadcast Austria v Germany in 2008. Cue Gary Lineker:.

Germany annexed Austria in 1938…

Lest we forget…

Posted: 16th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, TV & Radio | Comments (2)


Euro 2008: With The Tabloid Nazi Hunters In Austria

croatia-nazis.jpgOTHER than football, paedos and telly, the tabloids’ next favourite story is of Nazis.

True enough the Taliban hold away, being as they are the modern equivalent of the German mob. But while they can create the “Talibin” rubbish police, Nazis give tabloids so much for flexibility and scope: Bin Nazis; Traffic Nazis, Page 3 Nazis and so on.

Today the Sun leads with: “We find wanted Nazi at Euro 2008.”

That old man is Milivoj Asner, “no ordinary supporter welcoming his national side Croatia to his adopted Austrian town”.

Finding an old Nazi in Austria is just matter of pointing at any local who looks to be in their 80s or older and screaming “Der weiße Engel”.

But the Sun thinks it has got its man – the man who lives under the cunning alias of Dr Georg Aschner in the Croatian part of Klagenfurt. He’s the man one local says is “an SS man”. He’s the man the police and Nazi hunters know lives there but the Austrians say is too poorly to stand trial.

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Posted: 16th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Swear It Again: Wayne Rooney Serenades Coleen

wayne_rooney.jpgWAYNE Rooney is spending another summer leading the celebrity frontline, scoring a magazine deal and taking the silverware, gold forks, taffeta, electric toaster and plutonium lapdance pole (thanks, Rio).

And hark, you can hear him singing his victory songs via the Mirror’s front page, where “WAYNE TUNEY” is joining Westlife in a “romantic serenade to wife Coleen”.

Anorak was going to leaf through the Westlife back catalogue, and then we saw this:

He stunned guests and the four band members by joining them for a note-perfect rendition of their hit Swear It Again.

Sing along if you know the words. Take her away, Wayne…

By Jesus swore Rooney, I f*** it so well,
I think I’ll get up and I’ll **** it again,
So Paddy got up and he ****** it again,
Over and over and over again…

Repeat til police are called…

Posted: 14th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment