TV & Radio | Anorak - Part 45

TV & Radio Category

Television and radio programme reviews, trailers, highlights, twilights and cinema news. Also the neglected gems from years past.

X Factor: Louis Walsh Says Gary Barlow Lacks Credibility In Incredible Story

LOUIS Walsh, bobble-headed super-injunction negating, Hughie Green impersonator and cloth-eared peddler of novelty hits, is to leave the X Factor. First Simon Cowell left; then Kelly Rowland put on her sick voice and had the week off; now Walsh is promising to walk. Below the headline “I can’t stay“, Walsh folds his arms a little too tightly about his waist in a hackneyed effort to look strident and says why the X Factor is so utterly joyless.

The article contains the gem:

“Gary’s credibility has gone downhill for promoting someone who can’t sing.”

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Posted: 13th, November 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Fatima Whitbread Impostor Shocker: I’m A Celebrity Hopeful Might Be Gary Davies

FATIMA Whitbread is in this season’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. But might it be that the Olympian is actually some other celeb? Has anyone see Gary Davis, aka 1980s DJ “Ooooh Gary Davies”..?

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Posted: 9th, November 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Let’s Watch Freddie Starr Cry On I’m A Celebrity! Full Line Up Revealed

SUNDAY sees the start of a whole new season of colon-chomping misery once again as I’m A Celebrity… GET ME OUT OF HERE! kicks off a new series, set to make a star, briefly, out of someone with a dreadfully faded, dog-eared career.

And who are the latest gaggle of attention seekers to find themselves in a forest filled with witchetty grubs, waiting to be popped in mouths like pus-filled cherry tomatoes?

First off, we have the vacant dimwit and The Only Way Is Essex star Mark Wright making his way there, hoping to become the next Peter Andre/conquest of Katie Price. He’ll be joined by pint-sized Willie Carson and McFly’s Dougie Poynter who no-one over the age of 30 can recall the face of.

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Posted: 9th, November 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comments (5)

X Factor Rebel Frankie Cocozza Is Jedward’s Brother Who Can Score Drugs And Girls

FRANKIE Cocozza can’t sing and he can’t dance. He’s the X Factor novelty act; the son of Wagner; the would-be star who looks into the camera and says: “It could be you. Anyone can be a pop star. You just need more front than Bournemouth, shaggability and good management.”

So. One day from Frankie’s removal from the X Factor, Frankie is on the cover of the Sun. The headline informs us:

“X Factor drug sacking – Frankie fired for coke sex boasts”

When Louise Walsh said Frankie could never be a rock star, he never meant it. What he meant was: “You need to leave the show under a cloud and then be branded as the boy who got expelled from Simon Cowell’s School Of Pap for being sooooo rock.” Rather than a being failure, Frankie is the bad boy who no-one could tame.

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Posted: 9th, November 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Which ‘Golden Rule’ Did Frankie Cocozza Break To Get X Factor Chop?

YOU’LL probably know by now that Frankie Cocozza has been kicked off The X Factor. Who are you people going to hate on a Saturday night now? Yourselves?

A show source said to The Sun:

“Frankie is devastated but he has broken a golden rule so producers had no option but to axe him. He had an extra boost from being kept in at the weekend when he thought he was going to go. But now his dream is officially over and he only has himself to blame.”

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Posted: 8th, November 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Frankie Cocozza To Join, Wagner, Chico And Jedward In This Is Spinal Crap X Factor Special

FRANKIE Cocozza, this year’s X Factor son-of -Wagner novelty act, is threatening to leave the show. The Sun says the supremely untalented singer is also being “probed” by Ofcom for yelling “Fu**ing have it!” after surviving another cull.

But Frankie was not the highlight of the X Factor’s week. That was provided by Gary Barlow, who opined that Johnny Robinson “was making a mockery of the show”. That means he had to go. If it’s anyone’s job to turn this telly karaoke debacle into a mockery it’s those hired judges, chief among whom is cloth-eared Louise Walsh.

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Posted: 8th, November 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (4)

Welcome To The Coolest Man In The World: Azo Is Here To Amaze

PEOPLE continuously try to make claims to be cool, indeed, some going as far as to say that they’re the coolest people in the whole world.

They’re ALL wrong apart from one man.

One man, we’ll call him The Coolest Man In The Whole Wide Universe, is so cool that it makes the rest of us humans look like puke. Seriously.

Basically, this guy is like some kind of ninja who can skateboard like a MF, as well as do a whole variety of party tricks with diablos, sticks, fans and… well… seemingly everything in the world in which he finds himself.

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Posted: 7th, November 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

The Future Of Gaming, According To Bid TV: The Zone 100 Kills Your XBox, Wii And Christmas

THE  Xbox is over, the Wii has had its day.

Bid TV bring you the future of gaming. The Zone 100 is 100 of the biggest arcade games, apparently.

What will you play first? Seek the Resources, Mr Onion, Plumber, Magic Jelly?

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Posted: 6th, November 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

This Is How Michael Jackson Woke Up Every Day After Medication: Video

NATHAN is a teenage boy waking up after anaesthesia and an operation to fix the leg he broke in a high school football game. As one YouTube commentator puts it:

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Posted: 6th, November 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (2)

Tristyn Yeater Meets Justin Bieber: Video

IN this video young Tristyn Yeater-Bieber (a career in porn beckons) meets an enthusiastic and cuddly Justin Bieber, allegedly:

Posted: 5th, November 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

X Factor: Gary Barlow’s Peace Summit Makes Things Hundreds Of Per Cent Better

IT is the X Factor’s universally peddled story that Gary Barlow is the embodiment of trusty non-nonsense. He gets into character by moving his head slowly – think Spencer Tracy looking at the brim of his hat – and sitting bolt upright with his buttocks pushed to the back of his raised chair. You can trust a man with good posture. Barlow most likely tucks his vest into his Y-fronts. There can be no doubting the calibre of the man.

And so to today’s Daily Star story that the Take That daddy had Kelly Rowland and Tulisa Contostavlos over to his house for a “peace summit”.

The Star’s Peter Dyke reports on the paper’s front-page news:

He tried to keep it hush-hush. But the singer Tweeted teasingly: “Got friends coming for dinner.”

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Posted: 4th, November 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Man Plays Radiohead’s Paranoid Android On Lettuce Leaf

IN this video a man plays Radioheads’ Paranoid Android with holes punched in lettuce leaves held together with tape. When the austerity cuts bite, this is how we will all listen to pop music:

Posted: 4th, November 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Panda Bears Ham It Up For The Kids: Video

PANDA Bears are desperate to be noticed. In the 197os and 1980s, panda bears were the go-to bear for wildlife news. Then polar bears took over. But pandas are not taking in lying down. While polars terrorise, pandas entertain:

Posted: 3rd, November 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Global DC TV Presenter Barry Deley Wins Rich Lottery Drawn By Global DC Weatherman: Video

BARRY Deley is the winner of the BC Children’s Hospital Dream Lottery. He gets a country estate worth over $2.5 million mansion or $2million cash. You may know Barry Deley from his job as sports presenter on Global BC in Canada. That’s the same Global BC which drew the lucky winner for a big box of tickets – all with the ticket buyers’ names and adress written on them.

Says Deley:

“You know people are going to think this is kind of fishy,”

Global’s weather broadcaster Arran Henn drew the lucky ticket right in Global BC’s lobby.

Read it on Global News: Global’s Barry Deley wins grand prize in the BC Children’s Hospital Dream Lottery

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Posted: 2nd, November 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

X Factor Persecution: Kitty Brucknell’s Secret Deal To Be Hated

DAY 32 of the X Factor campaign to make Kitty Brucknell a figure of controversy and hate. Following yesterday’s news that the singer’s voice has been manipulated for the telly, the Sun leads with news of a race row. The front-page headline trumpets:


Anorak half suspects Kitty has signed a secret contract to be the show’s go-to figure for negative stories. We imagine a producer offering professional singer Kitty a deal. Sign the contract and the X Factor will make you famous – but we and the tabloids will tell the slack-jawed masses to hate you. Kitty signs. She thinks she can handle it. All publicity is good publicity, right?. But it isn’t. Being accused of racism is a slur that sticks. There is no recovery. The X Factor chews up its acts and spits them out.

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Posted: 1st, November 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Happy Halloween From The Human Badger

THE Most Haunted team have spotted something in the woods.

Don’t have nightmares!

Posted: 1st, November 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

X Factor Replaces Kitty Brucknell wIth Aunt Sally Robot:

THE X Factor is failing. Time, then, to press f9 and pile in on designated hate figure Kitty Brucknell. The Daily Mirror overlooks all other news to thunder from its front page:

“Shame that tune – Kitty’s voice altered in new sound row.”

Inside the paper and readers get:

X Factor finals 2011: Fury as TV bosses admit to altering Kitty Brucknell’s voice

Yeah. They used cutting-edge technology to make Kitty sound like a cabaret singer on a boat.

Tom Bryant reports:

Viewers were up in arms over wannabe Kitty Brucknell’s “robotic-sounding” vocals on Saturday’s show.

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Posted: 31st, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (4)

Kelly Rowland’s X Factor Career Is Saved As The Clocks Go Back

THE major problem with the X Factor (the? – ed) is the need for off-screen drama. The People reports that Simon Cowell has given Destiny’s Child star Kelly Rowland 48 hours to return to the show or else her judging days are over.

An insider told The People:

“Kelly has been told it’s time to make her mind up. Everyone is supportive of the fact she is ill but other bosses are annoyed at the situation. She doesn’t want to quit. She is adamant that she isn’t worried about the row she had with Tulisa and wants to return but she has to give the ­producers her word – and fast.”

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Posted: 30th, October 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment

X Factor’s Jesy Nelson Is Weeping Role Model For The Occupy ITV Movement

DID you know that the X Factor’s Jesy Nelson is in “tears”? Well, she is. The Sun reports:

Net bullies leave X Factor’s Jesy in tears – Little Mix star weeps after cruel comments

Isn’t being abused and teary part of the journey to being a female star? The self-obsession is part of what it is to be a “diva”, “icon” or whatever the current marketing phrase is. And then there is the misery. Famous female singers are always portrayed in the tabloids as being utterly miserable, insecure wrecks. Cheryl Cole lives in Hurtmore House and weeps for Ashley Cole. Britney Spears is falling to bits. Amy Winehouse is pained and troubled.

Jesy is just getting into the part. Forget the trolls, Jesy, they’re just trainee journalists and biopic writers – the professional sods will slaughter you in a multimedia tear-fest; your life reduced to a cartoon of extreme emotions and ultimate loneliness and unfullfillment. Sure you will have the cash and the fame but such things are wasted on women.

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Posted: 30th, October 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment

Christmas Gifts: The Worry Jar

PETER Simon, star of selly telly Bid TV, follows his nasal thought bubble and talcum powder sensation introduces the ultimate Chrtsimas gift: the worry jar. When all your worries are gone, you can use it for jam..

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Posted: 30th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (2)

X Factor: ‘Sick’ Kelly Rowland And ‘Mean’ Tulisa Contostavlos Dehumanise Misha Bryan

NEWS that Kelly Rowland will not feature on the X Factor this weekend is said to be rooted in her “row” over the show’s designated “bully” Misha Bryan, who was said to “mean” by fantasy happy-slapper Tulisa Contostavlos.

Now news recahes us that Roland, the Destiny’s Child singer, has a throat infection and would not be able fly back to the UK for the ITV show.

A statement informs the world:

“Kelly is devastated she won’t be here for this weekend’s show. She is extremely ill with a viral throat infection and her doctors aren’t permitting her to fly. Kelly will be returning to the show as soon as she has recovered. The girls have been in touch to wish her a speedy recovery and they can’t wait for her to get back. More news as we have it.”

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Posted: 29th, October 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment

Christina Martin’s Bad TV: Man At 3-2-1

MY name is Christina Martin and as my Twitter bio says “I love bad TV. Sometimes I film it”.

That’s all you need to know about me. Let’s proceed.

Over the next weeks and months I’m going to be sharing my favourite weird, awkward, obscure or just plain bad TV clips with you, along with a mini commentary.

The first clip comes from a 1987 episode of 3-2-1.

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Posted: 28th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (3)

OK! Says Big Brother’s 1 Million Viewers Are Better Than The X Factor’s 11 Million

ANORAK is no great fan of the X Factor and Big Brother but does note with interest how OK! magazine describes both shows: Big Brother is a “ratings hit“; the X Factor is suffering from “low ratings“.

When one housemate was evicted this season, 1.26 million viewers tuned in to watch. This, reportedly, made it lowest ever watched eviction in the history of Big Brother.

The X Factor’s last live rejection show was watched by 11.3 million people.

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Posted: 26th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

EastEnders: Pat Butcher Dies Giving Birth To Den Watts’ Child

GOOD news for EastEnders fans: Pat Butcher is going to die at Christmas.

This Christmas of good will was going to feature Kat Slater and Ronnie Mitchell swapping back babies. But that story reached a premature ending when people who think EastEnders is a documentary wanted to disembowel Ronnie.

This Christmas’ sob-fest was to have featured one of Kat and Ronnie’s babies getting terminally ill and requiring an emergency kidney transplant. With no time to waste Ian Beale would perform a live organ transplant with his kebab carving knife, and in a further nod to reality, accidentally bake the organ in a pie Dot had pre-ordered.

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Posted: 25th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Princess Productions Fly Soldiers’ Wives And Children To Afghanistan War For Flashmob TV Show: You’ll Die Laughing

PRINCESS Productions wants to fly the wives and children of soldiers serving in Afghanistan to dad’s place of work. It’ll be great. Lucy Weston posted a call to telly stars on ARRSE – the British Army Rumour Service (ARRSE). The lads consider the offer and how stupid, shaggable, patronising and self-serving Lucy and her colleagues are.

Hi there!

I hope you don’t mind me contacting you. I am a television researcher for a TV production company called Princess Productions. I was wondering if anyone might be able to help with a pilot TV show I am currently working on.

The show is going to be a combination of Surprise Suprise and Flashmob (the current phenomenon made famous by the T-Mobile advert). So we are currently looking for incredible people who could be the recipients of the surprise of their lives, a massive super-sized celebration to say thank you, give someone a huge send off, ask somebody to marry them or reveal some exciting news.

We thought it would be a lovely idea to surprise soldiers currently serving in Afghanistan. Maybe they are yet to meet their newborn babies. We would like to give them a huge surprise by flying the baby and all the family over for a massive moral boosting exercise and chance for him to cradle the son or daughter he has never met. We also want to treat the soldiers to a huge flashmob style thank-you from all the British public for the on-going work they are doing.

We obviously understand the logistics involved in this might be complicated. At this stage I was just wondering if you might know of anyone who this might be applicable to, if you could help to spread the word to fellow supporters and family members or if you could kindly put me in touch with anyone who might be able to help further with my enquiries?

I would really appreciate anything anyone could do to help. I was just wondering if you might know of anyone who this might be applicable to, if you could help to spread the word to fellow supporters and family members or if you yourself have a special someone you would like to give the surprise of their lives. Anyone interested can email me on *************.

I hope to hear from you soon!

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Posted: 25th, October 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comments (14)