TV & Radio | Anorak - Part 45

TV & Radio Category

Television and radio programme reviews, trailers, highlights, twilights and cinema news. Also the neglected gems from years past.

X Factor: Gary Barlow’s Peace Summit Makes Things Hundreds Of Per Cent Better

IT is the X Factor’s universally peddled story that Gary Barlow is the embodiment of trusty non-nonsense. He gets into character by moving his head slowly – think Spencer Tracy looking at the brim of his hat – and sitting bolt upright with his buttocks pushed to the back of his raised chair. You can trust a man with good posture. Barlow most likely tucks his vest into his Y-fronts. There can be no doubting the calibre of the man.

And so to today’s Daily Star story that the Take That daddy had Kelly Rowland and Tulisa Contostavlos over to his house for a “peace summit”.

The Star’s Peter Dyke reports on the paper’s front-page news:

He tried to keep it hush-hush. But the singer Tweeted teasingly: “Got friends coming for dinner.”

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Posted: 4th, November 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Man Plays Radiohead’s Paranoid Android On Lettuce Leaf

IN this video a man plays Radioheads’ Paranoid Android with holes punched in lettuce leaves held together with tape. When the austerity cuts bite, this is how we will all listen to pop music:

Posted: 4th, November 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Panda Bears Ham It Up For The Kids: Video

PANDA Bears are desperate to be noticed. In the 197os and 1980s, panda bears were the go-to bear for wildlife news. Then polar bears took over. But pandas are not taking in lying down. While polars terrorise, pandas entertain:

Posted: 3rd, November 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Global DC TV Presenter Barry Deley Wins Rich Lottery Drawn By Global DC Weatherman: Video

BARRY Deley is the winner of the BC Children’s Hospital Dream Lottery. He gets a country estate worth over $2.5 million mansion or $2million cash. You may know Barry Deley from his job as sports presenter on Global BC in Canada. That’s the same Global BC which drew the lucky winner for a big box of tickets – all with the ticket buyers’ names and adress written on them.

Says Deley:

“You know people are going to think this is kind of fishy,”

Global’s weather broadcaster Arran Henn drew the lucky ticket right in Global BC’s lobby.

Read it on Global News: Global’s Barry Deley wins grand prize in the BC Children’s Hospital Dream Lottery

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Posted: 2nd, November 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

X Factor Persecution: Kitty Brucknell’s Secret Deal To Be Hated

DAY 32 of the X Factor campaign to make Kitty Brucknell a figure of controversy and hate. Following yesterday’s news that the singer’s voice has been manipulated for the telly, the Sun leads with news of a race row. The front-page headline trumpets:


Anorak half suspects Kitty has signed a secret contract to be the show’s go-to figure for negative stories. We imagine a producer offering professional singer Kitty a deal. Sign the contract and the X Factor will make you famous – but we and the tabloids will tell the slack-jawed masses to hate you. Kitty signs. She thinks she can handle it. All publicity is good publicity, right?. But it isn’t. Being accused of racism is a slur that sticks. There is no recovery. The X Factor chews up its acts and spits them out.

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Posted: 1st, November 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Happy Halloween From The Human Badger

THE Most Haunted team have spotted something in the woods.

Don’t have nightmares!

Posted: 1st, November 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

X Factor Replaces Kitty Brucknell wIth Aunt Sally Robot:

THE X Factor is failing. Time, then, to press f9 and pile in on designated hate figure Kitty Brucknell. The Daily Mirror overlooks all other news to thunder from its front page:

“Shame that tune – Kitty’s voice altered in new sound row.”

Inside the paper and readers get:

X Factor finals 2011: Fury as TV bosses admit to altering Kitty Brucknell’s voice

Yeah. They used cutting-edge technology to make Kitty sound like a cabaret singer on a boat.

Tom Bryant reports:

Viewers were up in arms over wannabe Kitty Brucknell’s “robotic-sounding” vocals on Saturday’s show.

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Posted: 31st, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (4)

Kelly Rowland’s X Factor Career Is Saved As The Clocks Go Back

THE major problem with the X Factor (the? – ed) is the need for off-screen drama. The People reports that Simon Cowell has given Destiny’s Child star Kelly Rowland 48 hours to return to the show or else her judging days are over.

An insider told The People:

“Kelly has been told it’s time to make her mind up. Everyone is supportive of the fact she is ill but other bosses are annoyed at the situation. She doesn’t want to quit. She is adamant that she isn’t worried about the row she had with Tulisa and wants to return but she has to give the ­producers her word – and fast.”

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Posted: 30th, October 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment

X Factor’s Jesy Nelson Is Weeping Role Model For The Occupy ITV Movement

DID you know that the X Factor’s Jesy Nelson is in “tears”? Well, she is. The Sun reports:

Net bullies leave X Factor’s Jesy in tears – Little Mix star weeps after cruel comments

Isn’t being abused and teary part of the journey to being a female star? The self-obsession is part of what it is to be a “diva”, “icon” or whatever the current marketing phrase is. And then there is the misery. Famous female singers are always portrayed in the tabloids as being utterly miserable, insecure wrecks. Cheryl Cole lives in Hurtmore House and weeps for Ashley Cole. Britney Spears is falling to bits. Amy Winehouse is pained and troubled.

Jesy is just getting into the part. Forget the trolls, Jesy, they’re just trainee journalists and biopic writers – the professional sods will slaughter you in a multimedia tear-fest; your life reduced to a cartoon of extreme emotions and ultimate loneliness and unfullfillment. Sure you will have the cash and the fame but such things are wasted on women.

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Posted: 30th, October 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment

Christmas Gifts: The Worry Jar

PETER Simon, star of selly telly Bid TV, follows his nasal thought bubble and talcum powder sensation introduces the ultimate Chrtsimas gift: the worry jar. When all your worries are gone, you can use it for jam..

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Posted: 30th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (2)

X Factor: ‘Sick’ Kelly Rowland And ‘Mean’ Tulisa Contostavlos Dehumanise Misha Bryan

NEWS that Kelly Rowland will not feature on the X Factor this weekend is said to be rooted in her “row” over the show’s designated “bully” Misha Bryan, who was said to “mean” by fantasy happy-slapper Tulisa Contostavlos.

Now news recahes us that Roland, the Destiny’s Child singer, has a throat infection and would not be able fly back to the UK for the ITV show.

A statement informs the world:

“Kelly is devastated she won’t be here for this weekend’s show. She is extremely ill with a viral throat infection and her doctors aren’t permitting her to fly. Kelly will be returning to the show as soon as she has recovered. The girls have been in touch to wish her a speedy recovery and they can’t wait for her to get back. More news as we have it.”

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Posted: 29th, October 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment

Christina Martin’s Bad TV: Man At 3-2-1

MY name is Christina Martin and as my Twitter bio says “I love bad TV. Sometimes I film it”.

That’s all you need to know about me. Let’s proceed.

Over the next weeks and months I’m going to be sharing my favourite weird, awkward, obscure or just plain bad TV clips with you, along with a mini commentary.

The first clip comes from a 1987 episode of 3-2-1.

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Posted: 28th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (3)

OK! Says Big Brother’s 1 Million Viewers Are Better Than The X Factor’s 11 Million

ANORAK is no great fan of the X Factor and Big Brother but does note with interest how OK! magazine describes both shows: Big Brother is a “ratings hit“; the X Factor is suffering from “low ratings“.

When one housemate was evicted this season, 1.26 million viewers tuned in to watch. This, reportedly, made it lowest ever watched eviction in the history of Big Brother.

The X Factor’s last live rejection show was watched by 11.3 million people.

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Posted: 26th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

EastEnders: Pat Butcher Dies Giving Birth To Den Watts’ Child

GOOD news for EastEnders fans: Pat Butcher is going to die at Christmas.

This Christmas of good will was going to feature Kat Slater and Ronnie Mitchell swapping back babies. But that story reached a premature ending when people who think EastEnders is a documentary wanted to disembowel Ronnie.

This Christmas’ sob-fest was to have featured one of Kat and Ronnie’s babies getting terminally ill and requiring an emergency kidney transplant. With no time to waste Ian Beale would perform a live organ transplant with his kebab carving knife, and in a further nod to reality, accidentally bake the organ in a pie Dot had pre-ordered.

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Posted: 25th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Princess Productions Fly Soldiers’ Wives And Children To Afghanistan War For Flashmob TV Show: You’ll Die Laughing

PRINCESS Productions wants to fly the wives and children of soldiers serving in Afghanistan to dad’s place of work. It’ll be great. Lucy Weston posted a call to telly stars on ARRSE – the British Army Rumour Service (ARRSE). The lads consider the offer and how stupid, shaggable, patronising and self-serving Lucy and her colleagues are.

Hi there!

I hope you don’t mind me contacting you. I am a television researcher for a TV production company called Princess Productions. I was wondering if anyone might be able to help with a pilot TV show I am currently working on.

The show is going to be a combination of Surprise Suprise and Flashmob (the current phenomenon made famous by the T-Mobile advert). So we are currently looking for incredible people who could be the recipients of the surprise of their lives, a massive super-sized celebration to say thank you, give someone a huge send off, ask somebody to marry them or reveal some exciting news.

We thought it would be a lovely idea to surprise soldiers currently serving in Afghanistan. Maybe they are yet to meet their newborn babies. We would like to give them a huge surprise by flying the baby and all the family over for a massive moral boosting exercise and chance for him to cradle the son or daughter he has never met. We also want to treat the soldiers to a huge flashmob style thank-you from all the British public for the on-going work they are doing.

We obviously understand the logistics involved in this might be complicated. At this stage I was just wondering if you might know of anyone who this might be applicable to, if you could help to spread the word to fellow supporters and family members or if you could kindly put me in touch with anyone who might be able to help further with my enquiries?

I would really appreciate anything anyone could do to help. I was just wondering if you might know of anyone who this might be applicable to, if you could help to spread the word to fellow supporters and family members or if you yourself have a special someone you would like to give the surprise of their lives. Anyone interested can email me on *************.

I hope to hear from you soon!

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Posted: 25th, October 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comments (14)

X Factor: Kelly Rowland Jets Back To US With Tulisa Riding On Her Back

HAS Kelly Roland quit the joyless X Factor following that made-for-TV spat in triggered by happy slapping Tulisa Contostavlos’ opinion that Misha Bryan is a bully? There is trouble at the heart of the Nuremberg-styled X Factor judicial system. It big enough to make the Sun’s front-page headline:

“Kelly I”m Off – Furious star jets back to US after row with Tulisa.”

The country is not big enough for the both of them.

Once upon a time the X Factor’s PR factory was amusing and appeared to be based on some degree of fact. Now it looks about as natural as Simon Cowell’s forehead, happy to turn a wannabe singer’s dreams into a row between two actual singers on professional contracts. Says the Sun:

The Destiny’s Child star, 30, deserted her acts — including hot favourite Misha B — after her TV bust-up with fellow judge Tulisa Contostavlos, 23. A worried ITV1 source admitted yesterday: “We don’t know where she is.”

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Posted: 25th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

America Is Being Attacked By A Giant, Confused News Reporter

YOU may have seen the weather reports and thought ‘Look. There’s some clouds. There’s some sunshine. A little snow in Scotland. Ireland still doesn’t have any weather. Same old, same old.’

You may have seen Fred Talbot, jumping around on his floating map outside the Liverpool docks on This Morning and thought ‘Imagine! Imagine if Fred was that big! Crushing entire cities like some kind faced Godzilla!’

Well, it actually happened in America AND there’s video evidence.

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Posted: 24th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

X Factor ‘Bully’ Misha B Will Kill The Sunshine If She Does Not Win

X FACTOR Monday: the Daily Mirror leads with news of Misha Bryan, the Manchester wannabe dubbed Misha B by the marketing-minded judges and a nod to text messaging. The front-page headline informs us:


That ellipse was teasing. Anorak had supposed that in the lust for ratings and something original, we might have got:

“I was a bully.. And I loved it”


“I was bully.. Vote for me or I’ll kick your face in”

Instead we get the usual recovery position in which the X Factor starlet is presented as a victim. The opening line of Mark Jefferies’ report tells us:

BROUGHT up by an aunt, Misha Bryan was 10 when she discovered her mum had abandoned her at just three months…

That’s an undeniably sad story. And it’s why she became a bully, right?

Speaking of the trouble she got into as a 15-year-old at Trinity High in Hulme, Manchester, she said: “At school I was bullied – and I did bully people myself, but I am a different person now.”

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Posted: 24th, October 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comments (3)

X Factor: Frankie Cocozza Wonders If Sex With Twins Counts As One Shag Or Two?

FRANKIE Cocozza has just shagged twin sisters. Well, so says a source to the Daily Mail Online, thus burnishing the X Factor contestant’s reputation as an 18-year-old who likes to have sex.

Cocozza is the show’s ladies man, having shagged anything between 64 and 67 women.

Former X Factor contestant Beccy Shaw says Fankie told her he had already slept with 64 girls, including an older woman with children (not present).

Beccy, 18, told Heat magazine:

“We did get together, but it wasn’t like what he said – we didn’t sleep together.”

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Posted: 22nd, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Bad Parenting Video Of The Day: The Twin Escapes

YOUTUBE user MomOf6Boys has posted a video of a toddler escaping from a cot. Four things stand out in the video:

1. The room is free of pictures and music
2. Mum videos her children all the time
3. If your child had just dropped half its body height to the floor would you let him do it again or move him onto the floor?
4. Watching slack parenting is enjoyable

Posted: 21st, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (2)

PIX Morning News Anchor Sukanya Krishnan’s Trippy Onanistic Orgasm On TV

WOMEN. You are free to mass outside the offices of PIX Morning News and arrest news anchor Anchor Sukanya or whatever crimes you care to create.

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Posted: 20th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Who Is Frankie Cocozza’s Mystery Shoreditch Pal?

X FACTOR’s Frankie Cocozza has had “FIVE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT”. So says the Daily Star.

The cute singer with the hair of a 1980s darts player and the voice to match is the show’s designated bad boy character, the one the fans will all want to shag. And the tabloid take is that if you hang around long enough chances are Frankie will sex you.

Back in the day, it used to that one star had sex five-times-a-night. But Frankie is such a stud that he’s shagging give women in one night, most likely five times each.

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Posted: 20th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

A Journey Into Austria: The Heart Of Darkness – How Black People See The Alpine Tribes

HOW black people see white culture – a journey into Austria’s heart of darkness:

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Posted: 19th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

X Factor: Anonymous Dubai Businessman Finds Kitty Brucknell Shaggable

DID you know that a Dubai businessman has offered Kitty Brucknell £300,000 to perform a private show for him?

The Daily Star leads with the news that “X FACTOR wild child Kitty Brucknell has been offered £300,000 to give a sizzling private show“.

One “intimate” show for £300,000. That’s not too shabby.

The fan says he will provide transport and for her to “bring her sexiest costumes”.

The Star says this is a “naughty proposal“.

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Posted: 19th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)