Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
When Mel B was “at death’s door” and unable to judge X-Factor wharblers, the Mirror’s Simopn Boyle said:
The Spice Girl, 39, was in a high dependency unit – a level down from intensive care – with security on guard and worried husband Stephen Belafonte at her bedside.
But the Sun told its readers that Belafonte was missing. Today the Sun reports:
We told yesterday how the couple’s nine-year marriage was in crisis. Distraught Mel had told friends “It’s over” after Stephen didn’t visit her during the three nights she spent in hospital last week.
He did in the Mirror…
Earlier we learned that Mel B has been at death’s door. Had it not been for a driver, she’d be an ex ex-Spice Girl.
The Sun said her huband was missing and Mel would have died were it not for that mystery driver:
The Mirror said there was no chance of “seriously ill” Mel making it to the X Factor live final. Oh, and her husband has been a constant by her bedside.
And then… it happened. Mel rose form the dead to judge again. God (Simon Cowell) has seen the front pages, noted the ratings hike and declared that all was at it should be. Mel lives!
Mel B – nee Melanie Brown and known later as Scary Spice – is all over the tabloids. The X Factor final is on the tell. And Mel B. one of this show’s judges, is ill.
The Sun has an “exclusive”: “MEL SAVED BY DRIVER.”
How poorly is Mel B?
MEL B’s driver made a desperate dash to hospital when she collapsed on her way to X Factor rehearsals. Her terrified chauffeur rushed her to an A&E department after spotting her doubled over on the seat. The star, 39, has had tests for a virus and ulcer and missed last night’s final.
Bill Cosby’s getting a kicking in the Sun. The headline declares:
Bill Cosby’s hooked on sex with sleeping women
Says Dr Charlotte Laws, friend of alleged victim… The Sun can reveal the 77-year-old US sitcom star has now been hit by allegations that he is a somnophiliac — a pervert hooked on having sex with sleeping women. Top psychiatrists say the depravity is “like necrophilia”, the sexual attraction to CORPSES.
The dead never do tell.
…Yesterday political commentator Dr Charlotte Laws said her friend was subjected to that same vile treatment — despite being in a raunchy relationship with the screen star and quite happy to “do anything” with him while awake.
Dr Laws, a former California councillor, revealed her friend met Cosby in 1979 and they started dating behind the back of his long-suffering wife Camille.
Thought of the day:
“About two years ago, a letter arrived from a solemn young lady telling me how much she enjoyed reading my experiment in space mythology, The Martian Chronicles. But, she added, wouldn’t it be a good idea, this late in time, to rewrite the book inserting more women’s characters and roles…. The point is obvious. There is more than one way to burn a book. And the world is full of people running about with lit matches. Every minority, be it Baptist / Unitarian / Irish / Italian / Octogenarian / Zen Buddhist / Zionist / Seventh-day Adventist / Women’s Lib / Republican / Mattachine / Four Square Gospel, feels it has the will, the right, the duty to douse the kerosene, light the fuse… The real world is the playing ground for each and every group, to make or unmake laws. But the tip of the nose of my book or stories or poems is where their rights end and my territorial imperatives begin, run and rule.” — Ray Bradbury
Inside the BBC Vine Booth Paloma Faith and Sir Tom Jones are spinning around:
Organisors of Mr Gay UK turn on a man for being not the ideal weight. Stavros Louca was robbed:
When Stavros decides to enter the Mr Gay UK beauty pageant nothing goes quite to plan. This is the story of one man’s unbreakable spirit – a tale of triumph, heartbreak and how to wear your underpants.
What you missed on the BBC:
It'; news when the BBC says it is…
Grumpy Cat has earned its owner £64m.
Well, so says the Daily Express, which spoke with Grump Cat’s owner Tabatha Bundesen of Morristown, Arizona.
Grumpy Cat, real name Tardar Source “has made £64 million from an array of products, including bestselling books and a film”.
The Telegraph repeats the claim without any doubt, stating:
Oh, yes he did: Lionel Blair is not appearing in panto because all adults are suspected sex criminals
Lionel Blair is not appearing in panto. He explains why:
Case one: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang:
‘There was this one little boy who used to come up to me every night to give me a hug and in the end I had to say to the matron, ‘I love him but will you please stop him doing that? It only takes one stagehand to say ‘Lionel Blair is touching the kids backstage’ and that’s your career over. So I had to stop it. It’s awful, so sad, because I adore children.”
Case 2: Oh, no he didn’t. Lionel asked a seven-year-old boy his name at a Stockport panto.
Boy: “If you touch my nuts, you’re dead.”
Traditional names are best…
Why is Benedict Cumberbatch “glum”? The Daily Express tells readers:
Missing Sophie? Benedict Cumberbatch looks glum as he arrives at LAX airport
Princess Beatrice has been ‘HACKED”.
Not to death. Her phone calls have been recorded. This hacking has to do with her salary.
As the Mirror reports:
Hackers working for North Korea are thought to have been behind the security breach in revenge for a new film The Interview, starring James Franco and Seth Rogen. It mocks the country’s leader Kim Jong-un.
Burt Reynolds is selling the 1977 Pontiac Trans Am from Smokey and the Bandit – billed as “maybe the coolest car ever”. It isn’t. But if that doesn’t take your fancy, Burt Reynolds is clearing out lots of other stuff, including numerous guns (mostly non-firing), horse tack, a treasure chest of trophies and lots of artworks of his goodself.
Shop until you drop at Julien’s Auctions:
Book of the day is the 1979 tome, God’ll Fix It, the divine words of Sir Jimmy Savile.
The chapter How Do I Cope With Sex? , told readers:
Sex at its worst is corruption, as when young people might be corrupted to provide sex.’
The final word is with the Star:
Daily Mail sexism: Kate Moss’ knees are ‘cursed by Voldemort’, Madonna and Demi Moore wear Satan’s skin
BREAKING NEWS in the Daily Mail: Harry Wallop notes:
BREAKING. Kate Moss’s knees have been ‘cursed by Voldemort’. Daily Mail has the scoop.
Previously, the Mail has highlighted the aging process on…
Russell Brand is to sue the Sun. He’s done it before. He’s a comedian. You need to remebrs that as you see the media noise he creates.
In April 2014, Russell Brand has won libel damages from the Sun newspaper. In November 2013, the Sun on Sunday led with a claim that Brand had cheated on girlfriend Jemima Khan with a glamour model.
The Sun settled with Brand out of court. He tweeted:
I got some money suing The S*n who lied about me. I am making a donation to the #JFT96 campaign. A tiny piece of justice.
— Russell Brand (@rustyrockets) April 15, 2014
We love this. Patrick Smith has used BBC Five Live’s film critic Mark Kermode’s bon mots as film poster reviews.
Early Sunday morning, two of Shia LaBeouf’s creative collaborators, Nastja Säde Rönkkö and Luke Turner, tweeted some clarifications about the actor’s claim that he was raped during his #IAMSORRY project. (LaBeouf told Dazed that a female audience member “whipped my legs for ten minutes and then stripped my clothing and proceeded to rape me” during an early February performance.) Rönkkö wrote that as “soon as we were aware of the incident, we put a stop to it and ensured the woman left.”
Why should an alelged male victim be discounted without question?
So. You want to know how much Russell Brand’s house costs:
Much excitement at Anorak Towers are we open the flaps on the first One Direction advent calendar window.
The first flaps are situated on Niall Horan’s backside.
Five boys one runny cip.
Did you hear the news that Christopher Plummer is dead?
Plummer, famous for acting in The Sound Of Music and The Girl with the Dragon Tattooius 84. To obituary writers thart places him in the file marked ‘Soon’. But it’s not soon enough for one People magazine scribe, who announced the star’s death:
He died “TK in TK”.
Jobbing internet Aunt Sally, Katie Hopkins, has checked the news cycle and noticed that X Factor boyband range the Stereo Kicks are on the news.
Katie Hopkins pressess ‘f1′ on her kayboard and calls them names. And they respond.
Tom is the one stoody by the other one.
“Why make yourself look a grotesque caricature of yourself? They don’t fool anyone. They look like pathetic, insecure creatures… I don’t mean to be critical, and I understand that actresses feel the pressure in Hollywood. They have to do it. I respect that and I feel sorry for them that they have to do it.
“But for normal women to do it? If men want to leave their wife for a 19-year-old, they’re gonna do it anyway. All the facelifts and Botox in the world isn’t going to change that guy, you know?”
Manchester United manager Louis Van Gaal has been lampooned by Dutch actress Carice van Houten, chiefly famous for being the Red Priestess Melisandre in Game Of Thrones.