Anorak

Celebrities | Anorak - Part 405

Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

Walters, Walters Everywhere

‘TELEVISION has more Annual General Meetings than pretty much any other industry.

”It’s for my colossal humanity, you know”

These Soap Awards and Bafta Awards are routinely self-aggrandising affairs. Even the Oscars, the daddy of them all, loses all impact and pretence at entertainment as soon as Billy Crystal has finished his introduction.

Sure, the leading lady cries and thanks everyone for being there for her special day. And some ancient looking type appears on stage to collect a lifetime achievement award for ensuring the catering truck arrived on time.

But, as we say, it’s not all that entertaining.

And to compound this, there are Extraordinary General Meetings. These are called when something amazing and out of the ordinary has happened.

And tonight there’s one such shindig, and it’s in honour of Julie Walters. It’s called Julie Walters – a Bafta Tribute and it’s on BBC1 at 8:30. It’s on for an hour.

A better tribute to the actress would have been to write an hour-long show in which she could star and display her talents. What we get instead are her showbiz pals telling us how grrrreat Julie is.

Robert Lindsay actually pays tribute to her “colossal humanity”.

Talk about fat cats…’

Posted: 19th, December 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Who Judges The Judges?

‘THERE are certain jobs that, once you have got them, are almost impossible to lose. One of them is being a judge. In fact, no judge has ever been sacked for incompetence – and Mark Easton wants to know why.

”Maybe I would be better as a blonde”

We regularly hear stories of judges who are so far removed from the world that periodically sullies their courtroom that they may as well be sitting on the Appeals Court on Mars.

Remember the judge who didn’t know who Paul Gascoigne, then at the height of his fame, was – and, on being informed he was a footballer, inquired: “Rugby football or association football?”

That may not be incompetence as such, although one imagines that knowledge of the world around you is as valuable for a judge as knowledge of the law.

But there are plenty of examples dredged up on Channel 4 tonight of judges nodding off during trials and the like to make you wonder what exactly you have to do to get the sack.’

Posted: 18th, December 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Paws For Thought

‘SIEGFRIED and Roy are famous for two things. Firstly, they seem to have hair made of a substance not hitherto known on planet earth.

Do not try this at home

Secondly, they perform a magic act with white tigers, one of which gave his critical analysis of a routine by trying to sever Roy Horn’s head from the rest of his tanned and buffed body.

That is the interesting stuff. A lifetime’s work of entertaining the masses distilled into a folical and a set of flaying claws.

There is mp escaping the truth that it’s the painful bits that make the most memorable viewing and telling – just ask anyone who watched motor racing.

And tonight, FIVE gathers all these remnants of flesh into a show it likes to call: Extreme…Animal Attacks.

Meet the circus worker whose tiger ate his hand. See crocodiles bite. Watch an angry elephant exact a nasty revenge on her keeper.

This is better than the circus…’

Posted: 17th, December 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


The Ring Cycle

‘LORD Of The Rings was to no-one’s surprise named the country’s most popular book in BBC’s The Big Read, despite the fact that we would wager a lot of money than many of its supporters had never read a page of JRR Tolkein’s prose.

”Right. Now for those bloody hobbits”

The real reason for its sudden ubiquity is, of course, the film, the final part of which premieres in London tonight.

Now, you don’t have to be one of those whose cultural tastes have never developed much further than Harry Potter or Frodo Baggins to appreciate what a magnificent achievement this film trilogy represents.

It is, one suspects, a cinematic achievement that will stand the test of time, like some of the magnificent epics of yesteryear.

Liv Tyler’s dad might not have been able to stay awake throughout the film’s 200 minutes (and it will certainly test younger children’s attention span), but unlike so many films today it is not long for the sake of being long.

It is long because it takes time and space to conjure up the vastness of Peter Jackson’s vision of Middle Earth and the breadth of Tolkein’s imagination.

Join Jonathan Ross on BBC1 at 11.35pm as he reports from the post-premiere party.’

Posted: 16th, December 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


A Badly Made Bedsit

‘BY now, tens of you are glued to the goings on in Bedsitcom.The experimental TV show is sharpening the cutting edges of the leading edges. Its edginess and sexiness are breaking down walls and asking questions of a moribund TV industry.

The rest of you, millions in number, have either not bothered to watch it, fearing that it is awful, or watched it, and now know for sure that it is terrible.

It is terrible.

So bad is it that even the trick – three of the “actors” in the supposedly amateur cast were “real” actors – has gone: they were forced to come clean when their acting let them down.

What this says about the acting ability of those actors is not complimentary. But serving to make them look capable are the scriptwriters.

Their latest ploy, as seen tonight, is to write a scene in which one of the actors tells one of the bedsit amateurs that he likes wearing panties.

“Much hilarity and mayhem ensure.”

Well, that’s what is says on the script…’

Posted: 15th, December 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Our Survey Says…

‘HAVING convinced themselves of the success of Great Britons, the programme in which different public figures argued the merits of various dead white men’s claim to the title of the Greatest Briton, the BBC is looking to extend the idea across the schedule.

Many people might see The Big Read as a completely fatuous exercise, given that – one suspects – most of the voting public have only a passing acquaintance with the books selected.

But at least it can be argued that it will encourage people to read more – which in itself is no doubt a good thing, especially if they can be persuaded to venture past Harry Potter.

What merit tonight’s BBC Gardener Of The Year show, in which amateur gardeners have to create a garden based on one of the novels in the Top 100 of the Big Read shortlist, has is much harder to see.

Tonight, Matthew (or rather Monty Don), contestants try to build gardens in the style of Bird Song, Lord Of The Flies, Lord Of The Rings, Gone With The Wind and The Shell Seekers.

No-one, alas, chose The Secret Garden…’

Posted: 12th, December 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


A Good Deed

‘WE’VE had the cops, the lawyers and in Quincy we even had an autopsy or two. And of course we’ve had villains by the ton.

Man behaving badly

And now we’ve got the judiciary in the shape of Judge John Deed, taking over when Crown Court limped away.

First and second time round, your reviewer hated this show. Deed, played by Martin Shaw, pouted to such an extent that you thought he’d done a Leslie Ash.

He simpered, He posed. He puffed up his chest. He flounced. He grated. He begged to be turned off lest he turn himself on anymore and actually explode on TV.

But things have shifted. The pout is still there but now the plot has noticed it. Deed is a womaniser, a poser and a pouter. He’s got a psychotherapist with whom he talks over these things.

And now we like him. His flaws are visible to all. We want him to win, to beat the sycophants and Machiavellian pragmatists who prowl the courtrooms.

And last week we even saw that he is no Leslie Ash, since she appeared in his court on a charge of murder. Deed soon found her out – he can spot a real pout from a fake one at a hundred paces…’

Posted: 11th, December 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


You’re Having A Laugh

‘FOR a country that prides itself on its sense of humour, we don’t half produce a lot of rubbish comedy shows. Or in fact we don’t produce a lot of rubbish comedy shows – we produce very few shows and very, very few that are in the least bit funny.

”Where’s Mark Durden Smith?”

But of course we have a show to celebrate all that is unfunny on British television – the British Comedy Awards, which is live on ITV at 9pm tonight and hosted by Jonathan Ross.

And if that wasn’t enough, it is followed over on ITV2 by something called And The Fun Goes On, hosted by Tara Palmer Tomkinson and Mark Durden Smith and featuring live coverage of the after-show party.

Yes, that’s right – live coverage of the after-show party. Hosted by Tara Palmer Tomkinson and Mark Durden Smith. As one ancient comedian once said, you really couldn’t make it up.

But that’s for after the show. Before, we get to find out who is the country’s top comedy entertainer – Ant & Dec, Graham Norton or Jonathan Ross. We bet you’re on the edge of your seat already.’

Posted: 10th, December 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Loft Cause

‘GIVEN the ubiquity of American-made sitcoms – at least the good ones – on Channel 4, the roots of Bedsitcom are founded in quicksand.

”And I’m not in it”

The producers have decided against setting the entire thing in an apartment in New York, Seattle or Boston and have decided in their wisdom to locate the show in a London loft-style flat.

Yeah, a flat. It’s a world British-based sitcoms are well used to, it being how the audience routinely feel after an episode of Two Pints Of Something Gassy and Gimme Gimme Gimme A Gun – Now!

This reality sitcom (hurry with that gun!) follows the lives of six loft dwellers, three of whom are – unbeknown to the other three – actors.

To add to this mess, the actors have their lines written for them; the wannabes adlib.

Fans of Larry David’s Curb Your Enthusiasm know how well that formula can work. The mix of the scripted and not has its many pluses.

But Curb has Larry David, while Bedsitcom has the people it has. That’s a problem – although being unfunny has not stopped other sitcoms being smash hits.

All you need is a café and a New York skyline. Bedsitcom has neither.’

Posted: 9th, December 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


The Big Conversation

‘IF there was a truly public vote to choose the Sports Personality of the last 50 years, it is clear that David Beckham would win by a mile, followed by Michael Owen, Jonny Wilkinson and then probably Victoria Beckham.

”Shall we wait for Timmy?”

But for some reason footballers do not fare particularly well in the annual poll and, given that Wilkinson is a nailed on certainty for this year’s award, the BBC are trying to inject a bit of excitement by asking people to vote for the best of the previous 49 winners.

Tonight, last year’s winner Paula Radcliffe joins Gary Lineker for the first of five programmes this week called Simply The Best to look back over the previous decade, which saw winners which include Beckham and Owen but also Greg Rusedski and Damon Hill (twice).

If Wilkinson does win the actual vote at the weekend, he will be the first rugby player to win and only the eighth person from a team sport (after four footballers and three cricketers).

By far the majority of winners (16) are athletes, with motorsport (7), boxing (4), tennis (3) and ice skating (3) also providing more than their fair share.’

Posted: 8th, December 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


In The Mix

‘CHANNEL 4’s Unreported World slot has been consistently engaging since its inception. Tonight it is no less so as we are introduced to Clubbing On the Frontline.

‘An eye for an eye, but twenty sheckles for an E is taking the piss’

The programme follows three Israeli clubbers in the run up to the country’s largest and most exuberant music festival, the Love Parade.

This is a side of Israel that it has become unfashionable to show in the mass media, chiefly thanks to a nasty left wing agenda that seeks to agitate hatred and loathing by repeatedly telling us how terrible things are.

The programme works best when it shows that what we consider normal in the west is still commonplace in Israel.

The thousands of clubbers go clubbing for a release from the pressures of being young and to have fun.

The presence of suicide bombers and high tensions between Israelis and Palestinians appear as concerns for the youth, but not their main concern.

Unlike their leaders, the clubbers seem to think of the future and seek ways of escaping the past. This is one place where the hackneyed musician’s clenched-fist salute to peace and love really cuts some ice…’

Posted: 5th, December 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Shedding Light On Chelsea

‘ONE cannot expect Chelsea fans to be anything other than grateful to Roman Abramovich, the Russian billionaire whose money has brought some of the world’s top players to Stamford Bridge and taken the club to the top of the Premiership.

”Hmm. Who shall I buy today?”

Any fan of any other football club would love to have a benefactor with pockets as deep as Abramovich to buy them success, particularly at a club like Chelsea which flattered to deceive so much over recent years.

However, although it may not be of great concern in the Shed End, the means by which Abramovich came by his massive wealth is worthy of closer scrutiny.

Unfortunately, Five’s breezy half-hour documentary tonight offers little insight into the man or his past (particularly the post-Glasnost oil deals that made a handful of Russians – known collectively as the oligarchs – riches beyond comprehension, while their countrymen have been left in poverty).

Instead, it concentrates on a side of the story that Mr Abramovich is no doubt far more comfortable with – how his roubles have turned underachievers Chelsea into table-topping Chelski, all to the tune of the Russian folk song Kalinka…’

Posted: 4th, December 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Green, Green Grass Of Home

‘IT is an oddity that, given the masses of foreign students, asylum seekers, backpackers and Antipodean barstaff in Britain today, we still hanker for a life overseas.

”I fancy starting a new life in Solihull”

Does the very presence of so many non-Brits in our midst not tell us something? Is there not a vital clue in their just being here?

Of course, things change when we meet them, particularly those drawling barmen and women.

While we gaze out at the grey sodden landscape, clutch the small pieces of change Gordon Brown hasn’t already picked from our pockets and drink some over-priced syrupy concoction, they tell us about life back home.

Back there the sun is shining. The birds are singing. The drug-free meat is cooking on the hot charcoals. The wine is cold and crisp. You can’t see the air. Life is good.

So off we go, and in tow we take with us camera crew, a soundman and clapboard. Tonight the team of No Going Back arrive in Andalusia.

And the wannabe ex-pats they film are surprised to see that a dilapidated farmhouse over there looks very much like a dilapidated farmhouse back here – albeit without the film crew…’

Posted: 3rd, December 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Penk Rocked

‘NOW we know that the Queen is an avid fan of Kirsty’s Home Videos, we imagine that she and the corgis will be up late this evening to catch Steve Penk and his TV’s Naughtiest Blunders.

”Surely you could have found a picture of Steve Penk”

If she is, she will be just about the only person in Britain with a constitution strong enough to stomach the sight of Penk’s overly made-up face on the screen.

In fact, one of Her Majesty’s subject might like to break off from their doctorate on why toast always falls buttered side down when dropped to look into why TV employs only the most nauseating hosts for blooper shows.

From the smug Dennis Norden to the oleaginous Terry Wogan, from the grating tones of Lisa Riley to the monotone of Kirsty Gallagher, it’s a painful experience watching these packages of “hilarious” outtakes.

But all of the above pale into insignificance beside Penk – the kind of TV host that looks like he has been put together by a particularly incompetent committee. He combines the perfect face for radio, the perfect voice for silent movies and the perfect personality for obscurity.’

Posted: 2nd, December 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


You’ll Always Watch Alone

‘WHEN Jimmy Corkhill delivered his appalling speech on the last episode of Brookside we didn’t bother watching.

Merseybeat – sponsored by Michelin

But, apparently, someone did take a look, and the rant – aimed at everyone and listened to by no-one – was full of self-pity and even more self-importance. Our source assures us that it was a blessed relief when Jimmy finally walked off set.

The heady days of the 1980s when Brooky was genuinely entertaining and gripping, offering a bitter-sweet slice-of-life to the mainstream, were long behind it.

But just as we were ignoring Brookside, the BBC was endeavouring to keep the Liverpool theme alive in Merseybeat.

For those who have not seen the BBC1 show, the similarity to Brookside is uncanny. 1) Both are set in Merseyside. 2) Both are so bad that calling them terrible sounds like a compliment. 3) John McArdel moved to Merseybest after playing Bobby Cockhill, Jimmy’s brother, in Brookside.

Merseybeat’s Newton Park station is full of the type of Scouse losers so unloved on Brookside. You half expect sad Jimmy Corkhill to walk thought the doors any minute, gibbering to Inspector Charlie Eden (Leslie Ash) about how unfair life is.’

Posted: 1st, December 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Live And Plugged

‘THE BBC couldn’t really ask for a much better line-up as they launch the All New Top Of The Pops tonight with an exclusive showing of Michael Jackson’s latest video – and it isn’t the one of him on the private jet in discussions with his lawyer.

Double A or Double B?

Elton John will sing Your Song live from Atlanta, Kylie Minogue will be in the studio and Tony Blair’s favourite band, The Darkness, will premiere their festive offering, Christmas Time (Don’t Let The Bells End).

Add to that Nelly and Mis-teeq, Robbie Williams and Lisa Maffia, Will Young and Gareth Gates, Westlife (and the awful dirge that is Mandy) and Blazin Squad – all on a show that is going out live – and tonight’s show sounds like a sure-fire hit.

The one downer is the presence of Victoria Beckham, who will let audiences hear both the tracks on the double-A side single she is releasing next month and ask them to decide which they prefer.

How about neither?’

Posted: 28th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


A Land Of Plenty

‘DID you see how bonzer a time Jonny Wilkinson had in Australia recently? Sure, he was called boring and Pom-bashed and mashed, but did you see the rain?

A rock

That was pure golden rain. And if you’d been there in Oz to see it you’d have realised that it’s not like our cold, flat rain, but a kind of rain chardonnay, with a little body and fizz.

Very soon such useful facts about Oz will be made available in a public information film. You will all be called upon one by one to have your eyelids propped open with cocktail sticks and forced to watch images of men with red necks, kangaroos, sand and cold tinnies.

All the while, Rolf Harris’s Two Little Boys will be pumped into your ears.

The message will be made clear: “Go Oz! Go Now!”

By way of a taster, others have been sent as a kind of first wave. Like Charlie’s cat, they will do stupid things, such as forgetting to wear sunscreen and not looking inside boots for scorpions.

Tonight Channel 4 follows a few more of them in A New Life Down Under at 8pm. Look on and wonder why you have not made the trip.

Go on, make some more room for the rest of us in Blighty; clear a few hospital beds; vacate a few properties.

Go away and do not ever come back!’

Posted: 27th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


The Whip Hand

‘YOU have to feel sorry for the Queen – she spent Monday night in Edinburgh watching the likes of Busted, Westlife and Luciano Pavarotti at the Royal Variety Performance when she would far rather have been catching up on events in Albert Square.

Rachel tried hard to shake her clean-cut image

We are the lucky ones – we can see a two-hour highlights package of the event tonight and don’t have to miss a minute of our favourite soap, even if like Her Maj we also have to be subjected to Rachel Stevens’ bondage routine.

Let’s be honest – Rachel may be quite pretty, but hearing her debut single Sweet Dreams My LA Ex is about as exciting as listening to paint dry and we very much doubt her new effort Funky Dory is going to be much better.

Which is no doubt where the whips and chains come in. We’re sure, however, the Queen (who is known to own a few dungeons of her own) would approve.’

Posted: 26th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Thanking God

‘LET me pray. I’d like to thank God for giving me the buttocks to sit on this chair, the money to buy a computer to write on and the desire to sit up all night watching television.

A divine Messenger

It’s good to thank the Divine one for things once in a while.

Take celebrities who love thanking God. “Thank you, God,” says the boxer after he’s knocked seven shades of something brown out of his opponent.

“Thank you, God,” says the actress as she accepts her award for faking an orgasm in a movie. “Thank you, God,” says the singer as he receives his award for singing about blowin’ people away and taking drugs.

God clearly has lots to be thanked for. And tonight Michael Buerk (The Hand of God, 10:35pm) asks a few notables about their relationship with the bestower of gifts.

Earlier, at 9pm on Channel 4, Piers Morgan, the editor of the Mirror newspaper, meets some other recipients of winning tickets in God’s lucky dip in The Importance Of Being Famous.

Ulrika Jonsson (thank God for men), Melinda Messenger (thank God for silicon), Linda Barker (thank God for jungles) and Simon Cowell (thank God he‘s not my dad), talk about being famous.

Meanwhile we ask how in God’s name any of this bunch of self-aggrandising vanity cases ever made it. God only knows.’

Posted: 25th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Oliver’s Army

‘HENRY Ford may have thought that history was bunk, but TV producers can’t get enough of it at the moment with tonight’s documentary about Oliver Cromwell providing a backdrop to the BBC’s costume drama about King Charles II.

"Restoration! Restoration! Restoration!"

Following on closely, as it does, the recent drama about King Henry VIII, the Tudors and Stuarts cannot have had as much exposure for the best part of 300 years.

Christopher Eccleston narrates tonight’s hour-long documentary about a man who is most famous for his brilliant military success in defeating King Charles I in the English Civil War and then having the king beheaded.

What is less well-known is just how unpopular Cromwell became after the war, a religious bigot who – like a 17th Century Tony Blair – decided to ban just about every pleasure imaginable.

He would even have taken the crown himself had he not realised that in those circumstances his military commanders would have deserted him. King Oliver 1? It doesn’t sound quite right, does it?’

Posted: 24th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


The Bewitching Hour

‘BETWEEN 7:30 and 8:30 something odd happens to Channel 4.

‘I’m Randy’

It’s as if the broadcaster’s old programmers have wrestled free of their shackles and been allowed to produce some informative and, dare it not be said, entertaining television.

Sure, the night is full of trite repeats of Friends, the annoyingly self-reverential Will & Grace and Graham Norton talking about sex aids with all the guile of a gang of call centre employees on a hen night, but there is good among the dross.

At 7:30, Jon Ronson introduces The Art Show: I Am, Unfortunately, Randy Newman.

The laconic Ronson tonight pays tribute to the eponymous American singer-songwriter, a man so middle-of the road that he is in danger of being run over even while he sleeps.

This is a droll, well-executed piece of television. As is the show that follows: Unreported World: A Quick Fix.

The programme focuses on Thailand’s war on drugs. We see a side of Thailand few tourists see, and few want to.

Reporter/producer Zaiba Malik does an admirable job in relaying to us what it is to live in a state so keen to purge itself of drugs that it might be guilty of state-sanctioned executions.

It goes to show Channel 4 can make decent TV – just a shame that it does it so rarely…’

Posted: 21st, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


The Wedding Planner

‘IF the Americans knew where Britain actually was, they could come over here and make TV programmes pointing out how absurd we are – but they seem to be labouring under the impression that we are all a lot smarter than them.

An English Rose

Of course, when a man who can barely pronounce his own name can make it into the White House, it is very easy for us to feel a bit smug.

It is a feeling that is only exacerbated by the likes of Louis Theroux, Ali G and Daisy Donovan, all of whom have found much to laugh about in the rich tapestry that is American society.

For instance, tonight Daisy visits Gatlinburg, Tennessee, a town devoted entirely to weddings, marrying as it does 25,000 people a year and takes a job as a wedding co-ordinator.

The couple, whose wedding Daisy organises, tearfully tell her that she is the best wedding co-ordinator they have ever had – which makes one suspect that they have visited Gatlinburg with different partners a fair few times before.

Of course, if you want a cheap laugh at Americans, you could just watch President Bush on the news tonight. But that’s just cruel…’

Posted: 20th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


In A Sunshine State

‘AS any protestor against God FM shock-jocks Bush and Blair will tell you, “no-one” in Britain wants George Bush to be here. No-one is a pretty definite number.

”Shall I get fries with the burger?”

But we have found at least two people who think George Bush is nice enough and wouldn’t mind putting their necks under his yoke of terror.

Well, ITV did the hunting, and tonight it shows us a nice couple who Want That House in Florida (ITV 5:30).

Perhaps this nice couple only want the home in the Sunshine State, the swampy place ruled by Governor Jeb Bush, Dubya’s brother, while Dubya’s out of town? Call it a timeshare.

But who cares since a protestor will tell you that no-one likes this programme? They’ll tell you that “no-one” likes Florida. No-one likes its Governor. No-one likes its oranges. And no-one likes Mickey Mouse. No-one.

Which leaves us looking for things we do like. And since we are told by protestors that we all like not liking George Bush, we might as well all go out and protest against him.

That will leave no-one indoors to watch the telly, other than the 18-odd million who get their thrills from Coronation Street. But let’s not worry about them. As any protestor will tell you, they are “no-one” special.’

Posted: 19th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Snack Attack

‘AS President Bush puts his feet up on his first night in London, dips his hand into a large bowl of pretzels and tries to eat them without blacking out, he will no doubt feel right at home – TV in Britain is just as bad as TV over in the good ole US of A.

‘So how many Queen Elizabeths do you have?’

In fact, on many channels it is exactly the same as TV in the States with programmes like CSI: Miami and CSI: Crime Scene Investigation all doing a good job of making the President feel like he’s still at home.

The FBI Files, also on Five, reminds Bush that the Feds may not be able to spot a terrorist attack when it’s called Osama and is poking them in the face but they have at least solved one crime in their history.

And later on that evening, George Dubya can take in the NFL Game Of The Week with coverage of San Francisco 49ers against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Alternatively, Bush might like to take in a bit of local flavour with Royal Gardeners on BBC2 examining the elaborate gardens of Queen Elizabeth I. At least, it should give him something to talk to her daughter about…’

Posted: 18th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment


What The Doctor Ordered

‘SUCH is the power of the Atkins Diet that by the time you have finished reading this your writer will be ten pounds lighter.

‘I stink therefore I am thin’

So light will I be that my fingers will actually float over the keyboard, followed by my paper-thin arms, my to-die-for waist and what’s left of my legs.

Many of you will know what I’m taking about since there are an estimated three million Britons on the diet.

Of those millions, almost all are celebrities.

Some of the others who make up the remaining hundred or so thousand dieters want to be like a celeb. Others just want to be less fat. And as nation, we are fat and getting fatter all the time.

So Dr Atkins it is. And tonight Channel 4 broadcasts a documentary that weighs the pros and cons of the eating regime.

But if ever a show needed smell-o-vision this one is it. You might look good after Dr Atkins has sculpted you. You might feel good. But you will smell like a decaying squirrel.

And unless that’s what a Hollywood star smells like (and we’re sure Catherine Zeta Jones does not), you’d best avoid the diet all together.’

Posted: 17th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment