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On Flashbak, the story of British road signs.
You might not know the name Margaret Calvert, but the British know her work. In 1964 Calvert and Jock Kinneir (1917-1974), her former tutor at Chelsea College of Art, finished creating the country’s road signs, like the one for Men At Work (above). (On 1 January 1965 the new road signage system became law)
Calvert says of the man digging: “Man having difficulty with a large umbrella… Of course, once you see that, it just looks like a large umbrella, but I don’t mind that.”
She told Frieze: “I now regret that I didn’t put a corner of a spade on the ‘men at work’ sign, it would have stopped all the jokes about a man struggling to put up an umbrella!”
Many of these pictograms…
“….were inspired by aspects of her own life. The cow featured in the triangular sign warning drivers to watch out for farm animals on the road was based on Patience, a cow on her relatives’ Warwickshire farm. Eager to make the school children crossing sign more accessible, she replaced the image of a boy in a school cap leading a little girl, with one of a girl – modelled on a photograph of herself as a child – with a younger boy.
Calvert described the old sign as being: “quite archaic, almost like an illustration from Enid Blyton… I wanted to make it more inclusive because comprehensives were starting up.”
The Sun is shocked. It has heard that Manchester United fans have been singing nasty things about wantaway goalkeeper David De Gea. Presented as an “exclusive“, the paper writes:
De Gea, 24, had arrived close to kick-off, hoping to sneak in unnoticed. But he was spotted by a handful of fans and greeted with a chorus of “f*** off you penny-pinching b*****d” as security went to let him in.
A handful of fans shouted abuse at a footballer. That’s an exclusive news story. It would have been a world exclusive had fans shouted abuse at a tree in a wood and made it fall down.
Onlookers said De Gea, who has yet to feature for United this season, looked visibly shaken.
The Sun continues to hammer the spat between Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho and club Doctor Eva Cerneiro. And today it gets deadly:
Muamba: Player could die Ex-Bolton star warns Jose over pitch docs
To recap: Eden Hazard, the player Dr Carneiro and Chelsea physio John Fearn dashed on to treat, had not passed out. He was not in his death throes. He was not in a dire state, as Muamba was when the then Bolton player’s heart stopped beating on the Tottenham pitch. The former England Under-21s midfielder suffered a cardiac arrest in March 2012. His heart stopped for 78 minutes.
Hazard was, to quote Mourinho, “tired”.
FABRICE MUAMBA has warned Jose Mourinho one of his players could die if he tries to stop a doctor going on the pitch.
Chelsea gazumped United
The Times‘ says losing out on Pedro is a “blow” to United. Oliver Kay says Chelsea outbid United for the Barcelona player.
Manchester United’s desperation in the transfer market has grown after they were gazumped by Chelsea in a £21.1 million deal to sign Pedro from Barcelona.
The Fabregas Factor
The aforesaid Kay adds:
Chelsea’s pursuit of Pedro was helped by Cesc Fàbregas, who, along with his girlfriend, Daniella Semaan, helped to persuade his former Barcelona team-mate that he should move to London rather than Manchester.
Mourinho Nicked Him
The Daily Mail says Pedro ‘snubbed” United because Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho talked him into picking the Blues.
The Other Woman
Another woman played a key part in the proposed deal. Marina Granovskaia, a long-time and trusted employee of Roman Abramovich, the Chelsea owner, was also instrumental in getting talks started.
Not Fancying Van Gaal
The Daily Express says Van Gaal has a problem with Spaniards.
Louis Van Gaal’s brutal treatment of former Barca keeper Victor Valdes may have had an influence on Pedro’s decision while the presence at Chelsea of former Nou Camp star Cesc Fabregas is also likely to have been a factor.
Pedro is understood to have spoken to both players to help make up his mind.
And Van Gaal briefed the media against David De Gea?
The Telegraph says Chelsea performed a planned “hijack”:
While [Ed] Woodward was haggling with Barcelona, Chelsea were putting ‘Operation Pedro’ into practice with Granovskaia conducting discreet negotiations with the Spanish club and, with the permission of Barca, Mourinho and Fabregas both speaking with the forward directly.
But The Local Paper Knows What Really Happened
The Manchester Evening News says that Pedro did not “snub” Man United. Pedro was not seduced to London by Mourinho or any number of women. He was not “hijacked”. No. The local Manchester paper says Pedro is not playing for Manchester United because club manager Louis Van Gaal rejected him. Yeah, really.
We are supposed to believe that Ed Woodward, the United executive vice-chairman, flew to Barcelona to buy Pedro, only to be recalled at the 11th hour because Van Gaal realised the 28-year-old three-time Champions’ league winner was not wanted.
Oh, and in any case, Van Gaal has his heart set on Sadio Mané, the Southampton forward, who United bid for before they went to see Pedro in Barcelona.
— Alex Goring Crook (@alex_crook) August 19, 2015
Such are the facts.
The first GOP debate of 2015 is given the Bad Lip Reading treatment. It’s a cracker:
The Daily Telegraph continues to employ writers on the value of their name alone, witnessed by the paper’s story that millions of knobs trying to arrange extra-marital sex via the Ashley Madison website have been found out..
Madison Marriage reports:
Zoologist Mark Carwardine was keen to show us how hard it is to spot a whale. A few second after highlighting the issue, a massive whales arrived. It’s easier to spot a whale in the sea than it is in, say, a shopping precint or a jar of Marmite:
Pedro was shoo-in to join Manchester United, said all the British Press. But the Barcelona winger has joined Chelsea for a fee of £21m.
Did the mainstream media see this one coming? No.
On Augsut 13, the Indy stated:
Pedro to Manchester United: Barcelona winger verbally agrees to join United after late interest from rivals Manchester City
Sky Sports is so behind the news curve it reports today: “Pedro and Manchester United agree personal terms.”
Maybe Sky is right and Pedro did agree terms with Man United. Maybe Pedro told them ‘no’ and Manchester United agreed not to take it personally.
But the M.E.N. says we’re wrong because “Louis Van Gaal kills Pedro deal.”
@mattwynnmedia I think Chelsea Arsenal and Liverpool sent Van Gaal as A Trojan horse to destroys us from within check his bank statements
— Trevor W Fallon (@w_fallon) August 19, 2015
The Manchester paper reports:
United were happy to pay Pedro’s buy out clause and it appeared to be a simple transfer to complete. But LVG has decided he no longer sees the forward as the man United need.
So Ed Woodward, United’s executive vice chairman and deal maker, went to Barcalona, met the club and player’s reps, and was then recalled by Van Gaal because he went cold on the player? It has nothing at all to do with the theory that Pedro preferred working with Jose Mourinho, playing for Chelsea, living in London and avoiding the hammer-headed, vain Van Gaal. When Chelsea came calling he dropped United like, well, Van Gaal dropped Robin Van Persie. The offical line is that Van Gaal called all the shots and dumped Pedro.
Poor old Chelsea get the sloppy seconds (surely Champions’ League winning Spain winger – ed) while Man United buy… Well, any ‘top’ player with no alternatives keen to get rich.
The “men’s parking space” invites drivers to park between “Steep mountains, moist valleys”. The “Männerparkplatz” in the Black Forest town of Triberg is just a joke, says Triberg Mayor Dr. Gallus Strobel claims.
But gender equality activists in Baden-Württemberg are not l,aughing. They say:
“This type of sexist advertising, which uses a woman’s naked body to grab attention and suggests women are a sexual commodity, is both misogynistic and inhuman.”
Mayor Strobel responds:
“It’s a matter of artistic freedom. Art is allowed to provoke people, and should do so.”
As we Mr Strobel browses the ‘art collection’ on the top shelf of his local newsagents and his laptop, the artist behind this piece of adolescent crud says it’s not him. Werner Oppelt, for it is he, explains:
“I was unwilling to take part in this from the start. It’s simply not my style.”
As distracted male drivers misjudge their distances we await an artwork featuring mayor Stobel’s and artist Oppelt shunting one another in a small wood.
Debra Marceau, 52, was charged with retail theft follwing an incident in Florida where she put clams down her shorts. Whilst in the Publix store in Palm Bay, Marceau opened a box of frozen clams and put them down the front of her shorts.
Marceau tried to place a frozen pizza inside her “purse“, which, we’re assured, is not a euphermism.
Lizards. They are everywhere. David Icke taught us that. Unsurprising, then, to find one of the powerful elite drinking a Starbucks latte in Phoenix, Arizona. But Kim and Brian Dillon don’t believe – or want to believe- the lizard was a customer. They think it was there by accident:
“It was just so gross knowing it was in my mouth,” says Kim. “It was a lizard,” adds Brian. “A little lizard! That she drank. That went into her mouth.”
“I was like, ‘Oh my God,'” says Kim. “I was almost going to swallow it.”
Starbucks say they’re disturbed by the situation and are looking into it. In future all Starbucks management are banned fom the shop floor.
Fry’s said they did extra cleaning and checked with a pest control company, but they believe it’s an isolated incident. “We understand that we live in the desert and there’s a bunch of bugs,” said Brian. “But something like that is just nerve wrecking.” Kim says she won’t be returning to Starbucks.
Will Brooker, a professor at Kingston University in London, has a new experiment: he will live as David Bowie for a year. He will do some “method acting” as Ziggy Stardust, dress up in the garb of Bowie’s various other incarnations (Bowie, of course is the alter ego of the private David Jones), immerse himself in mid-1970s culture to enter Bowie’s mindset, do his best not to confuse and worry Iman, Bowie’s wife, not use her persona to attract groupies, and partake of the singer’s milk and red peppers diet, omitting the cocaine.
“His mansion in Beckenham has been demolished, for instance, and I’m unlikely to have a fling with Mick Jagger.”
Although a few Jagger tribute acts might be up for it.
“However it is possible to engage with and get a feel for his experiences without immersing oneself to a dangerous extent.”
Mr Brooker, we salute you, but not like Bowie’s alleged 1976 Nazi salute.
Waiter, waiter, there’s a robot in my soup:
Many chains are already at work looking for ingenious ways to take humans out of the picture, threatening workers in an industry that employs 2.4 million wait staffers, nearly 3 million cooks and food preparers and many of the nation’s 3.3 million cashiers….
The avalanche of rising costs is why franchisers are aggressively looking for technology that can allow them to produce more food faster with higher quality and lower waste. Dave Brewer is chief operating officer with Middleby Corp., which owns dozens of kitchen equipment brands, and is constantly developing new ways to optimize performance and minimize cost.
They’re blaming the minimum wage.
One day when Bastian Schweinsteiger is on the after-dinner speaking circuit, he will surely hark back to his days at Manchester United. Speaking to German newspaper Bild, Schweinsteiger has given us all a hint of the kind of anecdotes we can expect from the German midfielder:
“The English have a special sense of humour. This I immediately experienced in the dressing room.
“As I walked with two plates while eating, suddenly a teammate asked me ‘Basti, what time is it?’ – Hoping I would automatically turn my hand to look at my watch.”
Funny? Or just special? But the actual funny part is Schweinsteiger’s review of the big English gag:
“That’s quite entertaining.”
He’s deadpan. He’s the German Jack Dee
The season so far has exposed Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho. Defeated by Arsenal in the Community Shield – a cup that when he wins it counts as a major trophy and when he doesn’t is reduced to a bit of silver less valuable than the shiny tinfoil on his KitKat; seeking someone to blame for a 2-2 draw with Swansea and settling on the physio and club doctor; and telling Manchester City they won only by three lucky goals to nil – Jose Mourinho is wobbling.
It was only last May that the bitchy Portuguese was telling everyone he would be spending nothing major:
“Next season will be even better than this season and without big investments, because we don’t want to do that because we are happy with the players. Our group is top. The qualities are good. The most important thing in the market for us is not to lose players, I want to keep my players.”
Now he says Chelsea have a “moral right” to spend money. John Stones is the target. But Everton have knocked back Chelsea’s £30m bid for the player. At the weekend, John Terry was substituted by Mourinho for the first time in 177 Premier League games. The message is clear: Mourinho is ready to spend big again.
In the Times, Rory Smith writes on how Jose wins the titlte:
First, the foot goes to the floor, and then it goes to the throat… In years in which he has won the league, Mourinho’s record in the first third of the campaign is astonishing: he has never lost more than one of his first 13 games.
The greatest worry of all is less tangible: it is that Mourinho’s success has always been built on the short term. He extracts the maximum from his players. Those coaches who have followed him have spoken of finding squads physically and psychologically exhausted, not just by success but by his demands.
Plenty of time to recover, of course. Chelsea remain a formidable obstacle. But Mourinho is looking desperate.
Manchester United “hope” to sign Pedro from Barcelona this week, writes the Times. They are determined to get their man. Ed Woodward, United’s executive vice-chairman, is in Barcelona, looking to sign the 28-year-old for a £22 million fee.
Mundo Deportivo says Woodward has met Albert Soler, Barça’s director of sporting institutional relations, and director Raul Sanllehí where they discussed Pedro.
Sky says the deal has been done. Sort of. Sky Sports’ Balague told Revista de La Liga.
“I understand a deal between the player and United is already in place and all that is left is for United to put the €30m on the table. They are just negotiating how they are going to pay it, with installments or an amount up-front. They are very close. I’m not sure whether Barcelona will try one last time with Pedro and say ‘don’t go’, but it seems his mind is already made up.”
The Manchester Evening News says that Pedro is not the star player United fans dream of:
Louis van Gaal is believed to be somewhat hesitant about bringing in Pedro because of his pace, but the Dutchman is eager to increase the attacking options in his side.
And Marca reminds us that no deal is done until it’s done:
The striker wants a more prominent role at Barça. Luis Enrique wants him to stay at the Camp Nou, but competition for places is tough at the club.
Why would anyone leave Barcelona for Manchester United under Van Gaal? Does that medical include a test for mental competence?
The dystopian hell of BBC TV’s EastEnders isn’t all a middle-class liberal’s merlot-induced dream about the lower classes – it’s a fly-on-the-wall documentary. The Sun catches up with one of the show’s stars, rheumy-eyed Dot Branning, who tells readers that her health could be better.
“DOT: I’M GOING DEAF AND BLIND”
In the soap’s competition to be every more miserable, you have to now expect a welter of rival headlines:
“ALFIE: I’m going deaf, dumb and blind”
“PHIL: I’m going deaf, dumb, blind and ate my own tongue”
“SONIA: I’m dead”
But this story is not about Dot. It’s not a plot driver. The story is about a woman called June Brown, the 88-year-old actress, who whilst at a Barbara Windsor stage show “struggled to hear her pal despite sitting in the front row”.
And when Barbara, 78, brought her on stage, she asked: “Are you talking to me Babs? Tell me, because I’m deaf you see and it’s very hard for me to hear so I don’t know what you’re talking about. What did you say to me?”
She then told the audience at London’s BFI: “Sorry, I would like you all to shout because I can’t hear, you see. I am ever so sorry. I am straining here.”
Meanwhile, in the far more real world of EastEnders, things have gotten worse for Dot. A “source” explains:
“It’s important for her that people know this isn’t an issue at work. The only reason she is off screen at the moment is because Dot is in prison.”
“She’ll be back at work imminently and is chomping at the bit to return.”
Maybe. But did we mention her teeth?
James Risner made this model train track. The train goes on. The train never stops.
There was a chance for anti-fascists to dust off the football-style chants in Liverpool when the neo-Nazi National Action held a White Man March.
It was always going to be nasty. The Liverpool mayor tweeted a letter he’d received:
— Joe Anderson (@joeforliverpool) August 9, 2015
“If our march is stopped or heavy handed policing tactics are employed against us, your city will go up in flames. It’s fairly easy to do this, 3 or 4 people in 3 or 4 ethnically enriched areas after dark wearing masks & gloves, a few niggers beaten up, a few cars set on fire & a few shops smashed & your own non-whites will erupt like a volcano, all we have to do is prove them”.
That’s it’s pretty much the kind of view the Government’s has of working-class whites, who are always a race riot waiting to happen. It’s why any footballer who utters a racist word is held up an “role model” whom the proles slavishly follow, paying no heed to their own morals, friends and ethics as they hunt the Jew, black and Muslim.
The Liverpool Echo says what happened:
Neo-nazis who were chased out of Liverpool after hiding in a left luggage office in Lime Street station from protestors say they plan to return to the city.
Here’s one video. The adapted football chants include:
“If it wan’t for the bizzies you’d be dead”
The video contains swearing. It also features the filmer abusing a black officer because, apparently, defending the right to protest when you’re non-white is unforgivable.
Now spot the bigotry and the equality:
The better chant was:
“Master race, you’re having a laugh”
In the Indy, Kevin Maxwell says:
The humiliation of neo-Nazis in Liverpool makes me proud to be a Scouser
He had us right up this line:
I’m all for free speech and tolerating other people’s beliefs, however unpalatable they may be. But…
No buts. It’s either freedom of speech or it isn’t freedom at all.
At the time of writing this is the top comment beneath Maxwell’s Indy article:
Let the bigots talk. Ridicule them. Don’t ban them.
Free speech. No buts.
Now altogher: “Master race, you’re havin’ a laugh…”
How’s life treating Manchester United and England captain Wayne Rooney? After United had completed these routine defeat of Aston Villa at Villa Park (in their last 40 league matches, Villa have won once, lost 29 and drawn 10), the papers shone a light on the nation’s main man.
All but one news source thought Rooney was poor:
Daily Mail: “Wayne Rooney is on his way to being burnt out and the Manchester United captain looks as ineffectual as he has ever been”
Daily Mail: “Manchester United need a new striker: With Wayne Rooney out of sorts, Louis van Gaal needs fresh firepower to boost title hopes”
The Guardian: “Loose passing, wasteful finishing and a particularly bad night for Wayne Rooney kept the hosts in the game”
ESPN: “There were hopes that Manchester United captain Wayne Rooney would rediscover some form against Aston Villa on Friday night… Remarkably, though, he was even worse than he was against Tottenham last week. His lack of mobility, touch and pace prevent him from leading the line successfully. When you compare him to strikers at rival clubs, like Sergio Aguero, the gap in quality between them is embarrassing.”
The Times: “They need more, of course — not least from Wayne Rooney, who looks short of fitness or confidence or both”
MEN: “Manchester United fan ratings: Rooney struggles”
BBC: “Striker Wayne Rooney was supposed to be the main man up front this season but the early signs have been a little worrying for United. As in the opening game against Tottenham the United and England skipper struggled to make an impact leading the line. And it was not until injury time that he touched the ball in the opposition penalty area”
And the one that disagreed:
The Sun: “SUN STAR MAN — Wayne Rooney, Manchester United”
Wonder which newspaper wants Rooney as its next columnist?
Is Nicolas Otamendi going to play for Manchester United? Or is the Valencia defender off to play for Manchester City?
There’s been lots of talk about Nicolas Otamendi joining Manchester United. Stories like: “Manchester United AGREE deal to sign Valencia star Nicolas Otamendi”; “Deal done: Man United target Nicolas Otamendi agrees move, will be announced today” (both Daily Star); “Nicolas Otamendi to Manchester United: Club agree to sign £36m-rated centre-back” (Independent); and “Real Madrid believe Manchester United have sealed Nicolas Otamendi transfer” (Daily Mirror).
It turns out these stories are all utter balls because the Daily Mail says Manchester City are “close to completing the £28.5m signing of Valencia defender Nicolas Otamendi, 27, with City defender Eliaquim Mangala, 24, likely to go to the Spanish club on loan.” Although, the Express says the fee is £35m.
To Warsaw, Poland,where a 33-year-old British man is holding up a bank. He draws a gun. He hands the cashier a piece of paper. The bank worker sees the drawing. He hands her a second piece of paper, on which he’s written in imperfect Polish: “This is a robbery I have a gun give me all the money.”
The cashier tells him to wait whilst she goes to vaults to collect the money. He waits. She does not return stagging beneath the weight of a large piece of paper on which she has drawn a massive gold ingot. He, more the pity, does not accept the drawing of gold bullion and escape.
What she does do it call the police, who arrive and arrest the desperate cartoonist. He faces up to 12 years prison for attempting an armed robbery.
But so long as he’s got a pencil and paper, our artistic villain should be ok, what his yacht, escape tunnel and harem.
Why was Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho so enraged when Dr Eva Carneiro dashed on to the field of play and treated a writhing Evan Hazard?
Dominic Lawson has an idea, writing in the Sunday Times he says what really irked the bitchy Chelsea boss was not Dr Eva’s womanhood or her decision to place her own moral compass and professionalism ahead of team tactics. Her crime was exposing Mourinho’s plot to stretch the rules:
It looked as if the player concerned was badly hurt but he wasn’t — and Mourinho understood this. Indeed the reason why the rules now state that injured players must be removed from the field of play — so the match can continue — is precisely because so many players were feigning injury to waste time.
What Mourinho appeared to be saying was that his medical team were not in on the scam — and it was unforgivable that they did not sufficiently grasp that faking or exaggerating injury is part and parcel of the professional game. In other words, it was their job to spot those rare occasions when the player really was badly injured — and to ignore the referee’s summons when the official might not have realised that this was just play-acting.
Can players use a secret signal to tell the bench it’s an act? Time, perhaps, for a return to daytime tell Una Stubbs, whose mega TV careeer includes a role as team captain on Gives US a Clue. Move over Dr Eva, there’s a new woman on the Chelsea bench and she’s got a bigger media profile than even you:
When Arsenal fans are asking “Have you ever had a Gooner up your arse?” and Manchester United supporters are telling her to “Get your tits out for the lads”, Dr Eva is thinking about sex. When she’s treating Eden Hazard in the closing stages of Chelsea’s opening game of the 2015-16 season at Stamford Bridge she’s thinking about sex. When bitchy Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho is belittling her in public, she’s thinking about sex. Even when she’s rubbing John Terry’s thighs she is thinking about sex. Eva Carneiro is “sex mad”.
The Sun delivers the news that matters, reporting the words of one Rupert Patterson-Ward. He says he and Dr Eva had sex “a million times”. He says:
“This woman ruined my life. Eva would blurt out she had slept with one of the players during heated rows. She said it just to make me feel bad. I don’t believe it was true.’’
He didn’t believe it but does believe we should know.
Rupert, 33, then talks about sex.
“Eva is a very sexual woman and not many people know the real her. She’s ruthless and gets whatever and whoever she wants. I was besotted with her and we were planning a family, but she chewed me up and spat me out.”