Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Hostage Of Fortune
‘FAME costs and some times the price can be bigger than falling out with your backside, like Beyonce, or looking a complete arse, like Victoria Beckham.
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| A Seaborn Disaster |
Sometimes the price can be written in letters cut out from old newspapers and posted to a close relative.
Its the kind of thing that has sort of happened to Michelle Seaborn, the sensationally talented star of televisions Wife Swap.
Yesterday we revealed how Michelle had been kept a virtual prisoner on the infected ship, the Aurora.
Today she finally touches earth in Southampton, following 17 days of hell at sea.
And, as the Mirror reports, this celebrity wants payback. She plans to sue the owners of the ship, P&O, for kidnap.
They held me hostage and we will be suing for kidnap, says Michelle of both she and her husband, Barry.
Michelle claims, in the Star, that she and Barry were certified free of the virus that plagued the ship when the Aurora docked in Gibraltar.
As a result, they bought flights home but P&O would not give them their passports to make the trip.
The reason for this is obvious. Such is Michelles status that had she had left the other passenger would have screamed about preferential treatment.
And thats not taking into consideration the fans who would have wilfully infected themselves or dived into the murky brine had their Michelle left them in their hour of need.
Ask yourself this, Michelle: what would Vera Lynn have done?’
Victorias Double As
‘IN front of every good footballer is a footballers wife. And yesterday some of them were at a hotel in Salford to parade some designer clothes.
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| The sound of silence |
The Mirror cocks a lens at the The Model Squad. And the girls gamely push forward their twin strikers and do their best to deflect attention from a couple of old boots in their midst.
But someone was missing. And shes none other than footballers wife supreme, Victoria Beckham.
Whereas the girls in the Mirror spend the better part of their lives wondering about what to wear, Vicky is facing a genuine crisis in the Sun.
The woman, whose musical gifts have encouraged millions of talentless wannabes to believe that too can reach for the stars, is not sure what music she is best at.
The choice is not limited to tambourine or triangle, but whether she sings hip-hop or dance.
To non-musos there appears a cigarette paper of difference between the two forms, but to Posh each represents a distinct musical direction.
And she wants you, her fans, to help her to decide. So in days to come her record company will release a double A-side disc. On one side will be the pop song Let Your Head Go and on the other the more street The Groove.
Ive been lucky to work with some great producers over the last few months and this release will show the two sides of my musical tastes, explains Vicky.
But only one style can win through, and she is resolved to follow the path which garners most requests. So, to get the ball rolling, we have a request – that she not sing at all.’
Floating Your Boat
‘IN the classic stage musical Anything Goes, the ships captain loudly bemoans the lack of celebrities aboard his vessel.
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| ‘Yes, I’ve met all the TV greats: Paul Ross, Bobby Ball, Melanie Sykes…’ |
And what went for the 1930s is so today, as the Sun casts an eye over the passenger list on the Aurora, aka the Bug Boat.
With 1,800 passengers trapped onboard the infected ship, you might expect to find a light entertainer, famous gangster or Paul Ross onboard.
But all the paper finds is the aptly-named Michelle Seaborn, the star of televisions Wife Swap.
But chin up. Perhaps Michelle is using her unique TV credentials to conduct a similar experiment to the one that propelled her to fame, inducing couples to split themselves between random cabins.
Any passengers exhausted by the endless rows and abuse can cast their eyes to the horizon and note the approaching mass of rusting metal.
The Mail knows this vision to be the Ghost Fleet, a flotilla of four heavily-polluted American ships being dragged over The Pond for a clean-up in British waters.
Although described as toxic timebombs, there is nothing we can do to stop them ending up in our coastal waters.
All we can do is wait and hope that when clean and refitted they offer a few more of us the chance to cruise the ocean waves and thus meet interesting and talented people like Michelle Seaborn.’
Box Clever
‘WEVE taken a look at whats on the magic box and have decided the world is now ready for Anorako-Vision.
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| A free TV to every viewer |
The premise for our show is simple. We get about 20 million of you to each pay us £116.00. We then send around 6,000 of you a cheque for £150 and a postcard from Marbella expressing our heartfelt thanks.
Thats great telly, but, sadly, its also good enough for the BBC, which, ever the creative leviathan, has beaten us to the pitch.
The Express says that a BBC3 shows called Fightbox, which cost £4m to make, is being watched by as few as 6,000 viewers.
The BBC must be kicking itself, having belatedly realised that it need not have spent millions on anything at all and just followed our storyboard.’
Not Turning A Blind Eye
‘YESTERDAYS exposure of the number of British cops who are paid-up members of the British National Party has tapped David Blunketts knee.
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| ‘Not a cell will be left unfilled’ |
Speaking in the Mirror, the Home Secretary says that he doesnt believe it is tenable for a member of the BNP to be a serving police officer.
Only it can be, since it is not illegal. Although odious, the BNP is not an outlawed party. Why, its the party of choice in parts of Burnley.
As such, BNP spokesman Phil Edwards cannot be totally discredited when he says: Policemen and women have the same concerns about the future of the country as those in other walks of life.
Just a pity that these other people should be Skinheads, Nazis and, hey, who knows, even retired policemen.
But there is some good news. And it can be found in Warwickshire, where there are officially no racists of any description whatsoever.
The Mail says that a round-the-clock police hotline set up to deal with complaints of racism has been shut down because no-one rang it.
Available in eight languages, the service offered callers the chance to listen to a recorded message and leave their own message after the beep.
We managed to call the number just before it closed down and were told the following:
If you are being racially abused, verbally or physically, we remind you that racism is part of Britain today and you should endeavour to fit in.
For a crash course in British racism leave your name and address after the beep. Our officers will attend as soon as they get away from their BNP meeting.’
Star-Crossed Lovers
‘NO sooner have the commemorative iced sausage rolls been despatched to the poor and needy then Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck announce that they are secretly planning a new wedding party.
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| ‘Have they all come to see me?’ |
The Star says that the secret wedding will happen later this month. The most likely venue is Savannah, Georgia. And Jennifer will wear a dress.
Those are the facts so far. This wedding is so secretive that only we know about it.
But to stop you blabbing to all and sundry, the Star follows that by telling us that marriage is on the cards for Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake.
And it was ever on the cards, especially after a fortune-teller at a showbiz party attended by the pair told Cameron that she would marry before 2004 was out.
She believes in the stars that Justin is her true soulmate and their future together is meant to be, says an unnamed source. And so they intend to get married on Valentines Day 2004.
Which weve just heard could be the new date for Jen and Bens nuptials. Hold the sausage rolls and get the Cupids Arrow Fish Sticks, we feel a double wedding coming on…’
Damn And Blast
‘OH, happy, happy day! The hunt for weapons of mass destruction is at an end.
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| The Scud of the firework world |
The Express fearless reporter, Geoff Marsh, is seen in the paper clutching two enormous weapons that were surely once pointed at dear old Blightly.
Nicknamed Bangenstein and Big Mama, the two explosives are being taken away for safe detonation at a school playground in Surbiton.
But this is only the thin edge of a very thick wedge. Never ones to be scooped on a scare story, the Mail has unearthed some finds of its own.
Take the DIABLO, which claims to be The God of destruction 48 enormous blasts. A picture on the side of the rocket shows a grinning Devil, a thinly disguised Saddam Hussein if ever it were.
And there is more. Alas, so much more. TERMINAL BLITZ sends shudders through even you who survived the German air raids. This is not recommended for garden use – unless your Anderson Shelter is still functioning.
And so it goes on, as the paper shows us the made-in-Niger NEUTRON PULSE, the SILVER STROPE WHOPPA and the CRACKING AIR BOMBS.
The Mail wants all these instruments of hate purged from the land. And theyll get their wish tonight when the entire lot will be exploded in pyrotechnic displays of despotic race hate.
Catholics are advised to stand well back…’
What Simon Says
‘YOU join us in the home of Angie Typical and her four-year-old child.
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| ‘Hmmm. You did your best, which is the main thing’ |
Would you like more chips, Leo? asks dear old mum. Shut up, you tart. I said Id sort it when Im good and ready. Look at the state of yer! Is that your face, or has your neck just vomited?
Its the kind of charmless conversation that has encouraged the powers that be to introduce lessons in conversation to primary school children.
The Express says that educationalists have noted the falling standards in childrens verbal skills and are pointing the finger of blame at parents who sit their sprogs in front of the television for hours on end.
Children are picking up too many bad habits. And, as we just witnessed, EastEnders and Pop Idols Simon Cowell are among the chief culprits.
The role of the oleaginous Cowell is of particular concern. As the Sun reports, ten MPs have signed an Early Day Motion in which they accuse Cowell of destroying childhood confidence.
Glasgow MP Jim Sheridan, leader of the protest, is clearly upset. Simon Cowell has seen his earnings increase to £33.5million a year is that just from crushing kids?
Even those among us who subscribe to the adage that children should neither be seen nor heard draw the line somewhere short of crushing them.
For his sins, Cowell is far from contrite, accusing the MPs of making sweeping generalisations.
In the Mail, he adds: I thought the Labour was supposed to be the party of free enterprise. Im sorry if my earnings upset them.
And they will continue to cause upset until television minds its language or gives us an idol we can all cheer. Come on, Leo Blair, dont be shy…’
Sick Transit Aurora
‘WHEN Leo Blair makes his debut on Pop Idol, he’ll push his fingers into his rosy cheeks and tell us all about life aboard the good ship lollypop.
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| ‘Leprosy, bits have started falling off of me…’ |
That syrupy rendition of an old staple will be hard to take – but not nearly as stomach churning as life on the virus-infected Aurora.
The Mirror says that after 17 days at sea, the healthy passengers – 500 of whom have been inflicted with a crippling stomach bug – have been allowed to step ashore in…Gibraltar.
We don’t wish to do down the British outpost, but such is the nature of the place that any of the ill who felt like they were at death’s door might just have thought they’d crossed the threshold when they disembarked on the Rock.
And, just as when faced with the Grim Reaper’s scythe, there is no escape offered. There is no way off the island because the Spaniards have closed the border to their country.
The Spanish stopped all travel between the Rock and the mainland, claiming that the Brits might infect their own people with this nefarious bug.
‘It’s outrageous,’ says Paul Brammer, a passenger aboard the floating hospital. ‘They’re treating us like lepers.’ He then held aloft a shirt on which he’d written the word ‘HELP’.
And help is on its way. You might not be able to reach home for another year or so, but at last you’ll get a new cabaret tonight.
Yes, ladies and germs, we give you Leo Blair. ‘On the good ship dysentery…”
Flushed With Success
‘PAGING Norris McWhirter. Paging Norris McWhirter…
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| ‘First class or standard toilet, sir?’ |
We need to ask the great keeper of the worlds records how high the bar is set for cramming people into a single toilet cubicle.
Ever the showman, Richard Bransons Virgin trains successfully housed ten commuters in a toilet on the 12:51 from Edinburgh to Exeter.
The Sun hears record enthusiast and passenger Paul Downing explain further. All the aisles were packed with people standing, says he. Passengers sat on every inch of floor.
One toilet was out of order and the other was crammed with people who had nowhere else to go. It was a large cubicle to allow wheelchair access but it was never meant to be that full.
And already it sounds like something of a missed opportunity. If only the ten had all been in wheelchairs and not flouted the rules with their working legs. That would have been record for sure.
As the spokesman for Virgin trains says: We apologise for customers who were inconvenienced. Or who were in the convenience, as it were…’
Just Beat It
‘EVER noticed how the police are getting younger? Granted, you have to remove their white hoods to see their faces first, but its true, isnt it?
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| The Bullring has never seen policing like it’ |
Thats for another time. But for now the news on the cover of the Express is about the SCANDAL OF NAZI POLICE.
And it is a scandal because the new modern face of the Gestapo is not in Germany, not goosestepping along the streets of Bavarian towns and villages, but walking the beat in Birmingham.
This revelation comes from the mouth of Simon Darby, a councillor and the BNPs West Midlands regional organiser.
He claims that as many as 12 officers in the area are fully paid-up members of his extreme political party.
There are a similar number of police officers in the BNP based in the North-west of England as well as London, says Darby.
He goes onto say, in the Star, that many more officers support the BNP behind closed doors.
The story makes it into the Mirror, where Darby is claiming that one retired police inspector, John Phazey, is planning to stand as a BNP MEP candidate in 2004.
But this is not illegal and, as the spokesman for the West Midlands police emphasises, it is impossible for them to confirm or dispel the claim that a dozen of the local force are bigots.
After all, how do you pick out just 12 racists from the hundreds of serving officers? And then there are those hoods…’
Being Frank
‘YOU could say this is the greatest fight of my life. So says Frank Bruno, boxer, panto dame and Renaissance man, if you know what I mean, arry.
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| ‘Behind You!’ |
And we do know what he means, since a pun on fighting his demons can never be far removed from a story about the boxers slide into mental illness.
This is no laughing matter. And the Sun, like us here at Anorak, resists the chance to scream the pantomime mainstay Behind You! in Brunos ear.
Instead, we, like the Sun, will listen stoically to how the illness manifested itself in the former boxing champion.
I was obsessed with buying stuff, says Frank, and everything had to be in pairs.
Thats easy enough with shoes and socks, but destined to raise an eyebrow when you do as Frank did and extend the spree to caravans, lorries, tents, old peoples chairs crazy stuff.
I also got to the point where I couldnt leave the house without a book in my hand, says Frank.
Which book is not said, but Frank wasnt going to read it he just clutched it like a child holds onto a comfort blanket or a student a copy of Middlemarch.
This book served to replace the security which boxing and marriage once gave him. Clutching it was like hanging onto his ex-wife Lauras hair or the boxing ring rope.
But boxing is behind him, as is Laura, and Frank is looking to the future. Im going to go fishing soon, says Frank, for a good woman.
She doesnt have to be beautiful – even something that looks like the backend of a panto horse will do, just so long as it gives him something to hold on to.’
Present Tents
‘WHEN Frank Bruno was taken to Goodmayes Hospital in Essex, he was lucky to get in when he did.
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| Charles tries the town’s air freshener |
The Mirror explains that if Frank were sectioned in the weeks to come he might find himself secured inside a huge inflatable tent.
The walls would have been made of traditional rubber, minimising the risk of self-harm, and raising the chances of his actually enjoying his stay as he bounced off them, but its not what hed have expected.
Indeed, the Mirror says that there is fury at plans to set up such blow-up A&E wards at hospitals.
But NHS chiefs should point to the Mail, which today shows that tents can be good enough even for those who choose to go private, like Prince Charles.
The paper catches up with Charles as he tours India, and sees the enormous marquee set up in the town of Aoo in readiness for his arrival.
The Mail peeks inside, and notices that it contains no harem of local girls, or a sedated heavyweight boxer, but a singular white toilet.
Sadly, what with the effort spent on preparing the throne, the Prince did not venture inside, walking past and not popping into spend a rupee, as it were.
Perhaps thats just as well, given that the area has no plumbing and the toilet was connected to nothing.
Which make us wonder where the royal stool would have gone had Charles employed its services?
What with the infamous Delhi Belly, even Paul Burrell would have been hard pressed to get it all between the pages of a sequel…’
Peace In Our Time
‘TONY Blair has apparently called a war council no, dont panic, were not invading anywhere this week to plan how to deal with the Tories new leader-in-waiting Michael Howard.
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| ‘I call the left one Yasser’ |
And well he might worry, for this is one politician who delivers what he promises.
On the front page of this mornings Sun, Howard (who has already got Page 3 stunna Nicola Ts vote by dint of being married to a gorgeous ex-model) pledges to give Sun readers a better life.
And no sooner are the words out of his mouth but he is living up to his word with a two-page spread of the hottest undies ever.
Not only that but the former Home Secretary has given evidence of his powers of diplomacy by persuading warring models Naomi Campbell and Angie Everhart to pose together (with Czech Daniela Pestova as a UN peacekeeping force) for the H&M shoot.
In case you dont keep up with which supermodels not talking to whom, Naomi and Angie had a bust-up in a Monaco nightclub two years ago.
[Then again, if Naomi Campbell didnt talk to anyone she has fallen out with, she would be quieter than a Trappist monk with laryngitis.]
However, the two agreed to put aside their differences after a special plea by the Tory supremo and appear, in the Suns words bust of friends.
After that, the Middle East should be a doddle.’
Chest Expander
‘TALKING about the Middle East brings us to Jordan and the news, also in the Sun, that the busty model is planning to design her own range of undies.
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| Jordan was shocked to see that her new breasts still had the wrapper on |
The selection of sexy lingerie, the paper says, will be targeted at women with extra large boobs, just like Jordan.
The Sun says Jordan decided to design her own range after complaining that existing stuff was too frumpy – which would explain why she insists on flashing her underwear to any waiting camera.
One delighted fan (in the Sun newsroom) said: If she behaves like that with a frumpy bra on, I cant wait to see whatll happen when she puts on a sexy one.
But one person who we are pretty sure wont be rushing down to her local Bhs to buy a matching set of Jordans bra and knickers is Jodie Marsh.
Jordans natural-breasted rival joined Anaisha Bolton-Lee and a host of other glamour girls yesterday at the glittering unveiling of hot new adult channels Television X2 and Television X3.
And the Star was there to cover the event and to let its readers know that for only 11p a night they can subscribe to all three channels kindly laid on by premier adult broadcaster Television X.
That would be the premier adult broadcaster Television X that is owned by pornographer Richard Desmond, otherwise known as owner of the Star.’
Boy, Oh Girl!
‘YESTERDAY, the Mirror announced that Sir Paul McCartney and his wife Heather Mills had given birth to a baby boy.
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| ‘She’s got her father’s penis’ |
This morning, the papers apologises that this news was only half right Heather had given birth to a baby but the baby was not a boy.
Only half right? Thats like announcing that Iain Duncan Smith won the vote of confidence and will not remain as leader of the Tory party.
Its like saying Jordans breasts are natural, Naomi Campbell is a joy to work with and Kelly Brook is happier with her clothes on.
Its just wrong but for once the Sun does not revel in its rivals discomfort. Doing so would involve the admission that it was scooped by the Mirror on the birth itself.
Not only is Macca Jnr a girl but the girls name is Bea, thereby doing the headline writers job for them with both the Sun and Star opting for Let It Bea.
The Express (which outdoes itself this morning with its front page of gloom Measles Epidemic To Strike Britain; Taxes To Go Up Again; Stamp Duty Up 300%) reports the happy news under the curious heading Let It Be Beatrice.
In other news, we read in the Star that Renee Zellwegger is being offered £2m by WeightWatchers to lose the weight shes piled on to star opposite Hugh Grant in the new Bridget Jones film.
And in the Mail we see that Martine McCutcheon put on 10lb to play opposite Hugh Grant in the movie Love Actually.
Given that she attributed her recent weight loss to loadsa shagging, we can only assume that the secret to Martines fuller figure is a diet of chastity, chastity and more chastity.’
Son And Hair
‘ITS not easy being Romeo Beckham and thats before he gets bullied in the school playground for having a silly name.
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| ‘The grand old Duke of York…’ |
Not only does he have to listen to his mum singing him to sleep (or at least miming to a backing track of Rock A Bye Baby), but he has to keep up to date with his dads various hairstyles.
Brother Brooklyn was once spotted sporting a mini-mohawk, although these days he prefers a gelled spike.
Romeo, however, opts to keep right up-to-date with dads latest coiffeur and is spotted out and about in Madrid with a Japanese-style ponytail.
The Express pictures the one-year-old sporting the new style as he went shopping with mum, presumably for a toddler-size sarong.
He looked very cute and is obviously going to be as stylish as his daddy, a Spanish passer-by said.
But what of his mummy? The Mail catches up with her in somewhat less salubrious surroundings a car park in Hammersmith, London.
The 29-year-old was apparently kept waiting for more than an hour when she turned up at the offices of her manager Simon Fuller.
Her face a picture of anger, the paper says, she paced the car park while Fuller remained off the scene.
Eventually, when he was ready to see her, he emerged for a brief meeting in the car park, looking singularly unimpressed as she presented him with a storyboard containing some of her ideas for a video.
Either that or he didnt think much of Brooklyns daubings in his primary school art class.
Victoria Beckhams career may, as the Mail claims, be in freefall, but her husband doesnt seem to have too much concern over where his next cheques coming from.
The Sun reports that the England captain has racked up a £432,875 bill in the five-star Madrid hotel where he has been staying since August.
Of that only £80,000 has been on accommodation – £54,000 has been spent in the restaurant, £18,000 on room service, £77,000 on guests and an amazing £18,000 on valet parking for his five cars.
A further £178,000 has gone on other services, including laundry, phone calls, massages and TV and videos.
That sounds like an awful lot of adult movies to explain away when Victoria sees the bill.’
The Law’s An Ass
‘NOT all relationships are as happy as the Beckhams and this morning the papers have the story of two that have not exactly been fairytale romances.
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| Who did Bosnich have to restrain exactly? |
The Star leads on the news that Jude Law put wife Sadie Frost in hospital three times while she was suffering from post-natal depression after the birth of their third child.
That, at least, is the paper’s spin on 35-year-old Sadie’s divorce petition, which alleges that Law’s ‘unreasonable behaviour’ caused her to ‘take treatment’ on three occasions.
It’s hardly as dramatic as, say, the relationship between footballer Mark Bosnich and underwear model Sophie Anderton, which has ended in true playground style with an argument over who hit whom first.
Former Manchester United and Chelsea keeper Bosnich tells the Sun that all he did was restrain the ex-Gossard bra model after she started attacking him.
‘It was mad,’ he said. ‘She was attacking me. I grabbed her and put her to the ground. She kept trying to kick.’
He then apparently marched 26-year-old Sophie to the door and threatened to kick her out into the street naked unless she calmed down.
However, Sophie’s story is somewhat different – she claims she was beaten up by her ex-boyfriend and is determined to press charges.
Bosnich has been arrested but released on police bail, while his nutcase ex-girlfriend walks around London on a pair of crutches.
It seems she hasn’t got a leg to stand on.’
A Touch Of Frost
‘JAMIE Olivers tongue may not fit in his mouth, but it made its way quite happily up the Royal posterior yesterday as the naked chef received an MBE from the Queen.
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| ‘Going once, going twice…’ |
But the rest of the mockney cooks attire left a bit to be desired, according to the papers.
The Mirror says Oliver looked a right dogs dinner in his brown Paul Smith suit and open collared shirt.
Also flouting etiquette and not wearing a tie in todays papers is Atomic Kitten Jenny Frost.
Indeed, there are plenty of other garments that Ms Frost is not wearing, so much so that it is easier to enumerate the ones she does have on a scarf and pair of knickers.
All of which suggests that Atomic Kitten have a single coming out, which shock – we hear is indeed the case, with If You Come To Me being released this week.
However, could there be another reason for Jennys strip show?
Earlier this week it was reported that a Dubai businessman had offered £500,000 to Jennys fellow Kitten Liz McLarnon if she would go on a date with his son.
Perhaps Jenny is trying to attract a few bids of her own. Well start the bidding at £50. Do we hear £50?’
The Italian Job
‘IF anyone was under the impression that the National Television Awards had anything to do with television, let us dispel such notions now.
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| The Brawl In The (Albert) Hall |
If Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? can still win most popular quiz, if GMTV is the most popular factual programme and if My Family is the most popular comedy, you know theres something amiss.
And this mornings papers pay only lip service to the awards themselves they are far more interested in whose frocks rock and whose frocks, er, dont.
But one mans trash is another mans treasure and, not for the first time, the Sun and Mirror fail to agree on whos hot and whos not.
For instance, Emmerdales Adele Silva gets a big (and, it has to be said, deserved) thumbs-down from the Mirror for an outfit that the Sun describes as a mini-marvel.
The Sun suggests that, for all the glamour on display at the Royal Albert Hall, Sven Goran Erikssons girlfriend Nancy DellOlio outshone all the others in a dress which the Mirror describes as over the top.
The Mail is the Suns corner on this one, suggesting that the 45-year-old Italian stole the show.
One things for sure Nancy came out ahead on points of one-time love rival Ulrika Jonsson, who declined to attend for fear of a possible clash.
However, the good news is that Ulrika and Nancy will be climbing into the same ring as each other this Christmas as Anorak presents a new festive series of Celebrity Cat-fights.
Also on the card are Ulrika and Vanessa Feltz, Ulrika and Abi Titmuss, Ulrika and the contestants from Mr Right…’
The Lancaster Bomber
‘ALSO scheduled to appear on Celebrity Cat-fight are Rod Stewarts ex Rachel Hunter who will go pedicured toe to pedicured toe with current squeeze Penny Lancaster.
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| Blonde On Blonde |
And, subject to agreeing the purse, we are hoping to present Michael Douglas first wife Diandra Douglas getting it on with second wife Catherine Zeta Jones.
To Penny first, and this mornings Mail (which has developed something of an unhealthy obsession with our photographer friend) devotes its Page 3 to a picture of her stunning, statuesque figure.
Tall she may be, but will she still be standing after a confrontation with Kiwi bruiser, Rachel Hunter?
And what of Diandra and Catherine? The Mirror hears the former Mrs D take a swipe not just at rich old men who marry much younger women but at gold-diggers who fall in love with a fat bank account.
Lots of girls spend hours watching TV and start dreaming about travel, clothes and luxury, she says.
Travel, clothes, luxury? This is a woman who clearly isnt acquainted with British TV schedules.’
Pop Goes The Weasel
‘IS it really 16 years since Its A Royal Knockout hit our screens?
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| It’s A Royal Knockout II |
True, in the intervening decade and a half we have been royally entertained by the soap opera that is the House of Windsor, but nothing has ever touched the heights of that moment in June 1987 when Prince Edward donned his Elizabethan costume and strode out into a cold muddy field in Staffordshire.
Nothing that is until now. Now Anorak Productions presents Its A Royal Knockout II (This Time Its Personal).
In the blue-blooded corner, we present Prince William (or Prince William Philip Arthur Louis to give him his full title); in the red-blooded corner, we present Paul Burrell (otherwise known as The Weasel).
A Clarence House spokesman confirms to the Sun that the bout will take place.
William has said that he is prepared to meet Burrell and we will be proceeding on that basis, he said.
The winner of the no-holds-barred contest will automatically become second in line to the throne with a unification bout with Prince Charles likely in the spring.’
Brought To Book
‘VERY personal, very unpleasant, very damaging. Not, as you may suppose, a description of Princess Dianas odious little butler, but of a tape that his late mistress told him could destroy the monarchy.
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| A picture of betrayal |
As Paul Burrells memoirs of life inside Kensington Palace went on sale yesterday, the man himself embarked on a whirlwind tour of the TV and radio studios to promote the book.
And he told Channel 4s Richard & Judy show that Diana made a tape in 1996 of disclosures made by ex-royal servant George Smith, in which he claims he was raped by a royal aide and also witnessed a sex act involving a member of the Royal Family.
The Mirror quotes Smith as saying that making public the contents of the tape would have terrible consequences.
The whereabouts of the recording (which used to be stored in Princess Dianas mahogany box) is unknown it mysteriously disappeared after her death in August 1997.
But Burrell claims he knows what is on the tape, even if he is refusing to reveal it for now.
No wonder the Sun says the 44-year-old Judas fears that hell be killed to stop him revealing any more secrets.
And if Prince William had his way, he would probably administer the coup de grace but there is some confusion in the papers as to whether he will get his chance.
The Sun says the Queen is right behind Princess Dianas oldest son, who made an outspoken attack on Burrell at the end of last week, and has given her blessing to a face-to-face meeting with him in a bid to stop further revelations.
But the Star says Her Madge has stepped in to block any meeting with the royal blabbermouth, who said he wanted to give the 21-year-old prince a piece of his mind.
He might have got a piece of the Princes fist in return and no-one would have cared too much, least of all the Queen.
The Express says that she is furious that the book, called (with bitter irony) A Royal Duty, contains an implicit endorsement from Buckingham Palace.
The back-sleeve of the 396-page book features an alleged remark by the Queen to Burrell, which says: No one has been closer to my family that you have.
A senior royal source tells the paper: This is outrageous. It just adds insult to injury. It makes it appear as though Her Majesty has given the book her approval.
Nothing can be further from the truth.
Apart perhaps from Burrells claim that he wrote his tawdry little book as a tribute to his late mistress.’
Memorably Forgettable
‘KEVIN Bacon was elevated from journeyman Hollywood actor to household name by the Six Degrees Of Separation game, in which it was said that he could be linked with any other actor through a maximum of six films.
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| Even Richard had trouble remembering his own name |
And his namesake, former Blue Peter presenter Richard Bacon, could be on the way to international stardom, courtesy of – ironically – his own forgetability.
Only a few weeks ago, Pamela Anderson had to write Richard’s name on her hand so she wouldn’t forget who he was when they co-hosted the Lycra Style Awards.
And this morning the Star has a picture of Jordan with the poor fella’s name written on the palm of her hand in preparation for appearing alongside him to present a musical gong.
The Star suggests that this may say more about the buxom pair’s mental capabilities than it does about poor old Richard – but we at Anorak spot a trend in the making.
When we see the Queen appearing at the State Opening Of Parliament with Richard Bacon’s name scribbled on her hand, he’ll know he’s truly made it.’
Get Your Frocks Off!
‘WHEN Liz Hurley appeared at Fashion Rocks, a recent fashion charity event for Prince Charles, she kindly donated her services free of charge.
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| How Liz laughed when she saw someone paying for their own clothes |
All she wanted to do was to be allowed to take home her outfit for the night. Sounds reasonable?
Well, perhaps it would sound more reasonable had Ms Hurley not worn 19 different dresses during the course of the evening with a combined value of some £250,000.
Its just as well Liz didnt need to scribble the names of the designers on her hand the list would have stretched halfway up her arm.
The Mail says that the official line from the Princes Trust is that they are happy with the arrangement, but in private many say they would have liked to have seen the multi-millionairess donate her frocks to charity.
The whole point was to raise as much money as possible for the Princes Trust not to walk off with a new evening wardrobe, a source says.
Liz Hurley could easily have chosen to donate the dresses for auction rather than keep them.
Charity, they say, begins at home and, if you play your cards right, it ends up there as well.’
