Barack Obama Death Cult: Numbers Up And British Soldiers Plot Uncovered

BARACK Obama Death Cult: Anorak’s look at the assassination of the US President in the media…

DAILY STAR: “NUMBERS UP FOR OBAMA”

Laurence Y Payg, a “New Age guru”, says Barack Obama’s letters add up to 18 (like Hitler?) and if he wasn’t President-Elect he’d make a “great…solicitor”.

“I am worried about the combination of letters in his name”

H.U.S.S.E.I.N…?

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Anorak

Posted: 7th, November 2008 | In: Politicians | Comments (2)

Madeleine McCann: Reporting Going Cheap

THE GUARDIAN continues to beat the Star and Express with a big Madeleine McCann-shaped stick:

The price cut follows a string of high profile problems for Express Newspapers, owner of the Daily Star, which was forced last month to apologise and pay £375,000 in libel damages to the so-called ‘tapas seven’, the group Kate and Gerry McCann dined with on the night their daughter Madeleine disappeared, after the publisher ran a series of defamatory stories about the group.

Get that? The Star and Express are now cheaper because of the McCanns? Will the Sun and Mail be cheaper? What about subscriptions to Sky TV?

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 6th, November 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (175)

Madeleine McCann: An Apology For Journalism, Desmond’s Reputation And Greenslade Scores

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

DAILY STAR: “’THE TAPAS SEVEN‘” – AN APOLOGY

The Sangria Seven, surely. Or the Tapas 9 (what happened to them?). But what of this latest apology? Ahem..:

In articles published in September and November last year we suggested that the holiday companions of Kate and Gerry McCann might have covered up the true facts concerning Madeleine McCann’s disappearance and/or misled the authorities investigating her disappearance.

Yes…

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Anorak

Posted: 16th, October 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (359)

Aliens Arrive On Earth Today

IF any aliens are reading this, when you come to Earth today, bring gold, a Wii, love, a new tie for Gordon Brown, world peace, the cricket ball you stole in 1983 and a huge ray gun.

As the Daily Star reported yesterday, “aliens are set to land on Earth tomorrow to prove to humans that there really is life out there”.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, October 2008 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (15)

Big Brother Housemates: The Cull Begins

“BIG BROTHER stars in bloodbath,” screams the Daily Star. “AMAZING STREET BATTLE.”

And so the cull is upon us. OMA Law Of Perpetual Celebrity states:

“For every one new celebrity created an existing celebrity should be thrown onto the EU Celebrity Mountain; there should be no more than 62 front-line celebrities at any one moment; one must be called Noel Edmonds.”

If you want to find what happened to H from Steps, Caprice and Faria Alam go to Silo 13245b on the complex that borders Brussels Airport. Wear boots, overalls and no branded merchandise.

Anorak

Posted: 6th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)

How The Tabloid Press Demonises Polish Immigrants

“POLES are dumping kids here,” screams the Star. “Brutal parents flee UK”.

“Hundreds of battered Polish children are being abandoned in Britain by abusive parents.”

Hundreds become “dozens”, as readers read on:

“Polish embassy staff have personally intervened in at least 10 ‘child at risk’ cases this year alone…”

Becomes ten…

Image: Smak is the staple diet of Poles

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, October 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (12)

Red Tuesday: Banks Fall, The Experts’ Top Tips And Spending Is The New Saving

MORE news that no-one knows what’s going on in the money markets as the Sun screams: “BLACKEST DAY”. Or as the Mirror puts it: “BLACKEST MONDAY.”

Black Monday is the name given to Monday, October 19, 1987, when stock markets around the world crashed. Should not yesterday be “Blacker Monday”?

Readers may be confused. To be in the black means to be free of debt; it is in the red that suggests debt and poverty. The Sun’s headline should read: “REDDEST DAY.”

Anorak

Posted: 30th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (24)

Anorak Scoops The, Er, Daily Star

ANORAK scoops the tabloids yet again:

Islamic Terrorists Audition For Dirty Dozen In British Jail…

HERE’S a little tale in Anorak’s occasional series on the life and times of long-term
sentence terrorists. (See Terrorist Attack{tics}).
It may make you feel proud to be British. I doubt it.

Following three separate incidents involving Muslim terrorist life sentence prisoners in Frankland High Security Prison on the outskirts of Durham City, weekend reports say the newly-formed Ministry of Justice is secretly considering a Muslim only prison.

It’s all there…

Anorak

Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Reviews | Comments (5)

Islamic Terrorists Audition For Dirty Dozen In British Jail

“TERRORISTS inmates are recruiting a new army of extremists in British prisons,” says the Star Says column.

Have the jihadis been watching the Dirty Dozen? Is Abu Hamza Lee Marvin 32ith an in-built Swiss Army knife?

“Worried bosses are now thinking about housing all Britain’s terror lags in one super-prison to keep them away from others.”

The Daily Star can read their thoughts. It rubs it temples and urges restraint, saying that placing the terror lags in one jail “would light a time bomb that could destroy Britain”.

Anorak

Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Reviews | Comments (13)

Spotting Paedophiles In McDonald’s

“SEX offenders are being allowed trips to McDonald’s,” says the Star.

“Health bosses at a secure hospital are worried about breaching human rights.” Well, in that case don’t take them to the home of the international murder burger.

But too late.

Anorak

Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)

Back To Celebrity School With Peaches Geldof

THE headline “PEACHES: SPEND NIGHT WITH ME FOR £5K,” may bring readers to the conclusion that desperate Peaches Geldof is working as a good time girl.

It turns out that Peaches is being paid to attend “A list parties”.

So says the Star. But Anorak wonders if an A-list party needs a D-list starlet? And if the A-list party treasury committee have heard of the EU Celebrity Mountain and that you can hire a jobbing celeb for the whiff of a flashbulb and a pint of creme de menthe.

Anorak

Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Chanelle Hayes Exposes Omar Bakri’s Plot For Jihad In The Pole Dancing Club

DAYS on from news that mad mullah Omar Bakri paid for his daughter’s boob job and the plan to bring jihad to the country’s gentlemen’s clubs is curtailed.

The Star brings the front-page news that Chanelle Hayes will NOT be having her chest enlarged.

The Big Brother strumpet has made her decision in response to a Star reader’s poll. Tough on the War On Terror, and as patriotic as the next scaffolder, Star readers are turning their backs on artificial breasts, staring Islamofascism in the chest and saying “No”.

Anorak

Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Prince Edward Finds Work On Queen’s New Jet

ONE day on from the Daily Star’s shocker:

“The Queen is skint and will run out of cash in just three years time..The news follows Playboy boss Hugh Hefner laying off his bunnies”

And the Sun leads with:

“AIR FORCE ONE – Queen to buy £7milion private jet – Her Majesty, who currently shares the use of VIP flights with Government ministers and military chiefs, has taken a close personal interest in the new jet’s design.”

Anorak

Posted: 27th, September 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (8)

Robbie Williams Catches Big Foot

IN “ROBBIE GOES APE”, Daily Star readers are told that Robbie Williams has emerged from a “12-week exile dressed in a gorilla suit”.

Further in, and the suit is billed as that of a “gibbon”; although both beasts do allow the Star the chance to say that Williams has gone “bananas”.

There’s the pun: there’s the news story. There’s the call from Peta.

But…

Anorak

Posted: 24th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)

The A To D Of Big Brother

ANY would be Big Brother contestants can peer into the Daily Star’s crystal ball and plot their post-show careers.

In “BIG BROTHER BITES BACK” the paper lists the staging posts of Big Brother housemates emeritus:

Death threats
Unemployment
Sex scandals
Depression

One point of order, though: if you are going to become depressed, try to ensure it’s bi-polar, or whatever form of mental illness is in vogue…

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Robbie Williams Is The Aliens’ Ambassador For Planet Earth

“TAAAAAAYYYYKE me to your leeed-der!” sing the aliens, having been taught the language by Robbie Williams.

With neither Barack Obama nor John McCain yet declared leader of the world, and the Labour Party with no fewer than 17 leaders at any one time, the aliens’ demand may spark as much confusion as it does dread and wonder.

But before the invasion, rich and single Robbie Williams needs to meet the space hoppers, which Michael C. Luckman, director of the New York Centre for Extraterrestrial Research, says might happen.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Sky Viewers Pay For Noel Edmonds’ GCHQ

NOEL Edmonds has taken time out from his conversations with God to say he’d rather got to jail than pay his TV licence fee.

(Says one viewer of Deal Or No Deal: “Dead Anroak, I did not know that – 100% of FACT – One in every 10,000 boxes on Deal or No Deal says ‘Punch Noel Edmonds in the face.’”)

The Star says Edmonds already has one registered to his home address, so lags can rest easy.

Noel’s on Sky 1, infiltrating satellite dishes with his Noel’s HQ. It’s a version of his Noel’s House Party with the added blob of consumer advice and Noel telling us “the politicians have failed”. Now it’s Noel’s chance to rule the land.

It’s Noel’s GCHQ, and he’s listening.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)

Lily Allen News Of The Day: Coronation Street’s New Bra Maid

LILY Allen news of the day: Corrie! Cop a load of our Lily…

Lily is mistaken for Coronation Street’s Kym Marsh – Daily Star

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Anorak

Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Four Facts About Paul Gascoigne’s Drinking

“INFO maniac UK,” screams the Mirror. “Average Briton absorbs 13 new facts per day.”

But which facts? Luckily, Paul Gascoigne is here to help readers. Gazza is by the Metz public house, in Dunston, Gateshead.

DAILY MIRROR: “Desperate for a drink at 9.44am.” Fact!

THE SUN: “Desperate for a drink…” at 9.45am. Fact!

DAILY EXPRESS: “9.30am: Gazza tries to get a drink.” Fact!

DAILY STAR: “Gazza is desperately trying to get into a pub at 9am”. Fact!

Now for 11 more facts to complete the day’s quota… Who’s in the Spurs First XI tonight?

Anorak

Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (11)

Lehman Brothers’ Workers Save Jobs By Playing Bingo

YOU join us for another game of Tabloid Bingo. Today the tabloids are counting the numbers of bankers falling from the windows of Lehman Bothers’ offices.

DAILY MIRROR: “About 4,500 Lehman Brothers staff …may lose their jobs.”
They have chance…

DAILY MAIL: “Some 4,500 Lehman workers lost their job in Britain”

Damn!

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (4)

The Idiots Guide To The Lehman Brothers

LEHMAN Brothers bank collapses, proof that capitalism works and you’re never to big to go under.

Big news, then. But the red-tops have a problem: they need to make their readers understand what Lehman Brothers was. They do this by finding an easy point of reference and talking down to them in words of one syllable or fewer.

THE SUN (front page): “CRASH – BANG – WALLOP”

Jobs have been lost. Lehman’s hasn’t half a sixpence to its name. But what does it man? Well:

“Manchester Utd sponsor AIG could be next.”

That’s right. Man United fans might be forced to buy a new shirt. And with the season but a few weeks old. For shame!

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (8)

Paul Gascoigne’s Last Words And Testament

PAUL Gascoigne is unwell. And rumours of his impeding death are exaggerated.

As the Star leads: “GAZZA LEAVE ME ALONE TO DIE.”

At once we see a mental image of Paul Gascoigne lying on his death bed, his head raised as a team of men in white try to squirt a jet of elixir into his flapping maw.

Anorak

Posted: 13th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Danielle Lloyd Is Engaged To DJ Ironik’s PR

DANIELLE Lloyd is the Star’s strumpet-in-residence. And ever when there is no news about our Dani, and she’s between chests, you can create some copy.

Here’s the latest news on Dani’s associate DJ Ironick, to whom she is engaged.

The former Celebrity Big Brother contestant quietly began dating DJ Ironik just months ago and the pair wasted no time getting engaged – Daily Mail

Then:

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Anorak

Posted: 12th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Nazi Grrman Jihadis Attack The Channel Tunnel

A FIRE in the Channel Tunnel. The Tunnel is closed. The tabloids react:

DAILY STAR: “TERROR IN THE TUNNEL” – “TERROR FIRE IN TUNNEL – Truckers flee toxic blast hell”

Al Qaeda?

“The lorry was packed with a cargo of liquid phenol, also known as carbolic acid, which was once used by the Nazis to execute prisoners.”

German jihadis!

Anorak

Posted: 12th, September 2008 | In: Reviews | Comments (6)

Sarah Palin Watch: Paris Hilton’s Moose In Lipstick

SARAH Palin Watch: Anorak’s look at Sarah Palin in the British media…

BRIAN READE (Mirror): One of Reade’s “Big Questions”

“SARAH PALIN admitting she still gets up at 3am to hunt moose. If she fails to make vice-president, will she do a showbiz column with Paris Hilton and Kelly Osbourne called the 3am Moose.”

Back Obama can use that joke against women’s looks, if he likes…

Anorak

Posted: 11th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (10)