Hello! Category

The world according Hello! magazine, starring Lord and Lady Chinless Wonder

Strictly Come Dancing’s Ali Bastian And Brian Fortuna’s Boast Card From Paris

ali-bastian-and-brian-fortunaWHILE you weren’t watching Strictly Come Dancing, the BBC’ pro-am dance bore-fest, Ali Bastian (celeb/dancer) and Brian Fortuna (dancer/celeb) fell head over heels in love. Says Hello!:

“Are they aren’t they was the question on everyone’s lips?”

It wasn’t. The question at Anorak was how long before the BBC repackages its moribund, flabby show into a sport and puts Bastian up for sports personality of the year. Personality is BBC English  for celebrity. And if a decent highlights package can be put together to the tune of something from M People then Bastian has a chance.

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Posted: 22nd, December 2009 | In: Hello! | Comment

Christmas With Paris Hilton And A Chance To Sit On Her Face

americanroyaltyPARIS Hilton is showing Hello! readers around her Beverly Hills mansion. Paris is dressed as a chandelier. Behind her are throne-like, gilded chairs covered in a leopard-print and scatter cushions in the same material. If anyone sits in this room, they’ll be facing inwards but in different directions. Paris stands in the centre. She may have designed the room herself.

On another sofa there is a scatter cushion with Paris Hilton’s face on it. Paris can sit on it and imagine what it is to be with Paris.

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Posted: 22nd, December 2009 | In: Hello! | Comment

Elfin Princess Ekaterina Ivanova Achieves Goblin King Ronnie Wood

IN Hello!”, Ekaterina Ivanova wants to show you what she got up to during her “18 months behind closed doors with Ronnie Wood.”

Have you eaten? Taken your prescription drugs? Ok, perverts, here goes:

We see Ekaterina on a chaise longue. She is wearing a pink boa and black boots and black dress. And black leggings. One page on, she is in jeans. Says Ekaterina:

“The whole thing started off like a fairytale…”


“But then it felt like an evil fairytale. When Ronnie and I moved into a tower, my friends were laughing and saying I was like the princess trapped in the tower.”

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Posted: 15th, December 2009 | In: Hello! | Comment

Hello!: What Victoria Beckham Wants For Christmas – You’ll Never Guess

hello-victoria-beckhamVICTORIA Beckham is talking “exclusively” to Hello! about her Christmas plans. Looking as if she’s got the weight of the world on her elegant shoulders, Vicky is spotted sat before a plate of food – a few slices of pineapple and three grapes.

Not everyone gets the full turkey and all the trimmings. This Christmas spare a thought for Vicky, who will be sparing a thought for the world’s poor and hungry.

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Posted: 15th, December 2009 | In: Hello! | Comment (1)

Amy Winehouse Wears Blake’s Engagement Ring And Marries

AMY Winehouse is wearing Blake Fielder Civil’s ring. On her finger. Before Katie Price and Peter Andre can reunite, Amy and Blake are getting back together.

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Posted: 24th, November 2009 | In: Hello! | Comment

Victoria Beckham Introduces Brooklyn Beckham To The Poor – Role Model For A Generation

brooklyn-beckhamVICTORIA Beckham would like you and all Hello! readers to know that she is “incredibly proud” of her son Brooklyn.

Why? Is it because Brooklyn has blended a white T-shirt with black jeans and two-tone trainers under fringe? Not only. It’s also because he is “growing up to be a thoughtful and responsible young man who appreciates her has blessed life and wants to understand and help those who have less than himself.

Those that have less than Brooklyn are just about everyone. So how is Brooklyn going to help us, the unblessed, whom God has overlooked?

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Posted: 18th, November 2009 | In: Hello! | Comments (4)

Celebrity Is Underwater For 120 Minutes, And Lives

6495278KIMBERLY Stewart is an “ambassador”, say Hello!. Who isn’t? You are now official ambassadors for the readers of Anorak. Congrats and maximum respect due, your Excellency.

Stewart is an ambassador for fresh20, which is a charity promoting fresh water. She advertises the need for fresh drinking water by submerging herself in swimming pool while full clothed.

“She was underwater for a total of 120 minutes.”

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Posted: 10th, November 2009 | In: Hello! | Comment

Lucia Anne Grigorieva Gibson, In Pictures

mel-oksanaCELEBRITY Catholic Mel Gibson’s lover Oksana Grigorieva presents their new baby daughter Lucia to the massed Hello! congregation. Mel seems to have ignored our advice to name the child Melanie Mary Passion Sugartits Eva Beaver Gibson, going instead for Lucia Anne Grigorieva Gibson.

Although there is always the nickname to develop. We live in hope.

Lucia is Mel’s eighth wonder. This makes him Octo-dad. While we wonder what three more children will do more Mel’s self-esteem, Oksana tells us:

“Premature babies do eat a lot – they just eat and sleep.”

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Posted: 10th, November 2009 | In: Hello! | Comment

Mastechef Eater Greg Wallace Introduces His Heidi

greg-wallace-masterchefMASTERCHEF “star” Gregg Wallace, 44, he of the BBC TV extempore eating gig, is engaged to be married.

So, Greg, Hello! asks, was the lovely Heidi, 27, attracted to your fame? You met on Twitter. You have only dated for 8 months? Greg has said that “being on TV has been great for your love life”. No, says Greg.

“Heidi actually shies away from anything glitzy.”

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Posted: 10th, November 2009 | In: Hello! | Comment

Inside Wayne And Coleen Rooney’s Nursery For Kai

pa-79898762IN this week’s Hello! you can read of “Wayne and Coleen’s baby joy”. You can go “inside the new Rooney nursery”. You can read Coleen’s “thoughts on being a mum”.

Might it be that Coleen has gone back on her word not to sell pictures of her baby to the press?

Well, er, no.

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Posted: 10th, November 2009 | In: Hello! | Comment

Ivanka Trump Marries Her Tycoon, In Pictures

340x-9IN this week’s Hello!, we are invited to the wedding of “Heiress Ivanka Trump” and a “Tycoon”, whose names fails to appear on the cover. You imagine Hello! has had the cover words written ever since Ivanka wanted her first engagement ring.

Inside and the tycoon is labelled as Jared Kushner, and from being a tycoon he’s now merely a “millionaire”.

Inside the mag and Ivanka has her hair in her father’s signature tsunami, swept off her face to reveal $265,000 in jewels and teeth that make her wedding dress look dull and brownish.

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Posted: 4th, November 2009 | In: Hello! | Comment

Hello!: Samantha Burke Introduces Jude Law’s Daughter Sophia For £185,000

jud-law-baby-helloIN this week’s Hello! magazine, Samantha Burke introduces Jude Law’s baby daughter Sophie and tells their “amazing story”.

Prepare to be amazed. Sophia has two eyes. Gasp! Sophia has two legs! Swoon! Sophia was conceived out of wedlock when Jude dated Samantha for a period that may actually be shorter than her 25 hour labour. WowZA!

Sophia weighed in at 5lb 12oz, which in gold and cocaine prices is not bad, but in celebrity prices is diamond, earning mum £185,000, reportedly, for this 14-page photoshoot alone. She tosses the words in for free:

“Her features are more like Jude’s. She has his chin and nose, and she does a little pout that I notice that he’s done before. I think her eyes are more like mine, though.”

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Posted: 26th, October 2009 | In: Hello!, Key Posts | Comments (4)

Hello Magazine Tuesday: Prince Harry And Chelsy Get Intimate

helloIN this week’s Hello! magazine, we go on an intimate dinner with Prince Harry and Chelsy Davy, Myleene Klass introduces Baby K and at home with billionaire John Caudwell…


At a push, we’d say Harry won her in a tombola, first prize being a year’s supply of Flaming Lobes at the Boujis nightspot.

It turns out that Harry wooed fair-to-platinum maiden with an “intimate dinner for two”. Just Hal, Chels, three waiters, a wine waiter, 5 security guards and a chauffeur waiting for a doggy bag.

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Posted: 20th, October 2009 | In: Hello!, Key Posts | Comment

Sinitta Takes Herself Inside Simon Cowell’s 50th Birthday Party

6336233Hello! magazine invites us to Simon Cowell’s 50th birthday party, with your host for the night, Sinitta…

HERE come “CHERYL and FRIENDS” to give Simon Cowell “the night of his life”, trills Hello!.

Eamonn Andrews’ big red book has been replaced by Cheryl Cole’s orangey chest as we journey to Simon Cowell’s 50th birthday do in Wrotham Park, Hertfordshire and say “Simon Cowell- This Is Your Ex“.

Our host for the night is not Simon Cowell, rather his occasional X Factor sidekick Sinitta, who once dated the reality TV show supreme magistrate. Says she:

“I can’t believe Simon and I are as old as we are – I’m 40 and he’s 50! Where has all the time gone?”

We’d say it’s gone by in 1:40 second-long snippets of wannabe singers warbling someone else’s song.

But this is not all about Sinitta – did you know she used to date Cowell? – but about Cowell, whose birthday it is. Really. Sinitta. Really:

“For the 26 years I’ve known him… For week’s leading up to the event, I’d had friends from all over the world texting and emailing me about the party… My inboxes were inundated… I made a call to my friends Elizabeth Emanuel to see if the could sort out something amazing for me to wear…”

Simons Cowell is so glad to see you. He’s…

“I decide to switch off my phone… I also had eyelash extensions individually applied… As my present for Simon Dan would be painting a giant piece of art, accompanied by a Rat Pack stage show, in just six minutes…”

While we give it up for the fastest caricaturist in Christendom, Simon Cowell would like you to know that it is with a deep and sincere…

“I was completely blown away – every woman looked absolutely beautiful. Cheryl, Kate, Dannii, Amanda…”

Also there were… “Simon’s ex-girlfriends, Terri Seymour, Jackie St Claire, and myself [yes, Sinitta used to sate Simon!] all hosted our own tables in a row at the very front of the stage, with Simon’s top table immediately behind us…”

Just three of the friends and family who had “walked through fire with him in the past” – although Amanda, Dannii, Cheryl and Randy Jackson are more commonly seen sitting down and sipping drinks rather than walking through actual fire. But the challenge is no less diminished.

And who’s this? Ticket, please, sir. Why, it’s Simon Cowell, to thank one and all…

“Goodnight Sinitta… And I didn’t get to tell you, but you look absolutely gorgeous tonight. I appreciate it, I really mean it.”

Sinitta is 40.

Posted: 13th, October 2009 | In: Hello! | Comments (3)

Jo Wood Markets Her Home In Hello!

JO Wood, of the BBC’s Stritcly Come Dancing,  hopes her estranged husband Ronnie Wood will “come over for Sunday lunch”.

Hello! records the invitation on its front page, alongside a picture of Jo looking as if the fuse has just blown on her lights. Jo is so in the dark she that she could pass for Ekaterina Ivanova, Ron’s current flame, or pretty much anyone else.

Inside the magazine, and inside Jo’s gigantic home in Kingston Vale, which is big enough to suggest that she’s not only expecting Ronnie but so too his lover, her family, the rest of the Rolling Stones, their families, any of the 70,000 or so fans who saw the Stones last play at Wembley and her next door neighbours, plus pets.

If the walls of Holmwood House could talk, what stories they could tell,” says Hello!.

Well, they can’t talk. But they can echo. If they could talk, the place may be more homely and be filled with noise. The house is vast and empty of life. In it, Jo cuts a rather lonely, small figure. Hello! calls it “idyllic”, and it is if you want to be alone, save for a few figures of reclining and seated Buddhas by the pool and a suit of armour. And Jo.

Hello! calls it a “cosy nest”, in much the same way Hitler’s nest was cosy, or a barn is cosy to a mouse. It’s so cosy that Jo’s daughter Leah, lives next door in a cottage with her husband Jack and her baby. Tom, a friend of Leah’s brother Tyrone is living in the gatehouse.

Jo is opening the doors of her home this November for a “re-run of the successful ‘pop-up’ organic restaurant, Mrs Paisley’s Lashings“.

Jo is using her home as an eatery. Do come over. There is plenty of room. There are tens of chairs and tables. Do come. Say you will…

And then we learn that Jo is selling the property. Why? “It’s too big for me.”

And it becomes clear that his is not an ‘at home with Jo’ but ‘Buy my home”, an estate agent’s viewing organised by Hello!, in which prospective purchasers get to see the immaculate pile and learn a little of its history.

And if you pop over, you might see Jo, and get to talk to her…

Posted: 6th, October 2009 | In: Hello! | Comment

Jennifer Aniston Compares Herself To Bambi

JENNIFER Aniston wants to tell us that she has not had her breasts enhanced. She wants to tell us that she has “lots of energy”.

But above all she wants to tell us:

“But now that I’m that bit older, my fears have dropped away and I fell I have all this freedom to explore the world – like Bambi going out to explore the forest.”

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Posted: 16th, September 2009 | In: Hello!, Key Posts | Comment

Elisabetta Briatore Show Us Around Flavio’s Home

ELISABETTA Briatore wonders, “Is there anything more beautiful than having children?”

Dressed in a riding-high short red dress and lipstick, the question could be mistaken for an offer to Hello!’s readership. But it’s not. Elisabetta is married to Flavio Briatore, who thanks to allegations of cheating has left his post as principal of Renault’s Formula 1 team. Motor sports loss could be Elisabetta’s gain.

Inside the Briatore’s home we realise that Flavio, never seen with a beard, has created a place where a man can shave wherever he sees fit – by looking into one of the gilded walls, staring at his reflection from shot upwards glistening floors or, should he see fit, looking into one of the many mirrors that line the bathroom walls.

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Posted: 16th, September 2009 | In: Hello! | Comment

Freddie Windsor And Sophie Winkleman’s Special Hello!

HOW do you promote Lord Freddie Windsor’s marriage to Sophie Winkleman if the happy couple have declined to sell the rights to their do to Hello! magazine?

Well, if you’re Hello magazine you stick a photo pool image on the cover and label it a “ROYAL WEDDING SPECIAL”.

To Hampton Court Palace, then. And we see Sophie and Freddie smiling. And then we spot Princess Michael – four pictures of Princess Michael. And there’s Lady Gabriella walking away from a camera. Get a load of the back of her dress, readers.

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Posted: 16th, September 2009 | In: Hello! | Comment (1)

Gary Lineker Marries Danielle Bux, Intimately

6387769GARY Lineker is married to Danielle Bux and you are invited to gaze upon the “two-day Italian Extravaganza” in Hello!. It is a “small and intimate dream” that the happy magazine is willing to share with anyone prepared to fork out £2.

Mother-of-one Danielle looks resplendent in a wedding dress as white as Simon Cowell’s teeth as we meet the couple in the grounds of the Hotel Caruso on Italy’s Amalfi coast.

Danielle’s signing on fee is a reported £250,000, which includes food and drinks for 80, a £400 civil ceremony, a cliff top blessing and a £9,000 wedding kit. And in case you think that’s steep, a local councillor called Luigi Apicella tells us that “there was nothing extravagant” about the do.

But amid the shots of Gary and Dani in a clinch, Hello! tells us that the couple refused to sell their wedding to the highest bidder. And it turns out that what we get are pictures of Danielle in a dress and Gary dressed informally without jacket or tie. Gary looks like the mini-cab driver delivering the bride to her big day.

It’s all very private for Danielle Bux, who “exclusively” revealed her wedding plans to OK! and told us that her daughter Ella “took to Gary immediately because he is so fantastic with children”.

At the do, DJ Spoony spun the CDs and footballers-turned-media-pundits Alan Shearer and Alan Hansen gave running commentaries on the proceedings before agreeing that both sides had performed well but there was still along way to go.

Danielle Bux is an underwear model…

Posted: 8th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Hello! | Comment

Snap, Bang, Wallop At Scott Maslen’s EastEnders-Themed Wedding

SCOTT Maslen’s wedding, and the stars have come out to shine, literally.

For just £2.00 HELLO! offers its readers a ready source of heat and light. One look at the sun-kissed faces of Scott’s EastEnders and The Bill co-stars and you feel as warm and snug as a jalapeno pepper up a camel’s bum.

“ALL the GUESTS,” says the cover page. “ALL THE GOSSIP.”

To Hertfordshire, where Scott is marrying Estelle Rubio, herself named after a star. They met nine years ago at 11 minutes past 11 on the 11 of August.

“They look as if they have stepped off the top of a wedding cake,” says Scott’s fellow EastEnders’ star Perry Fenwick.

We never do see the shoes and examine them for sings of frangipani, but our attention is moved by a sound from the toilets. The Sun takes up the tale:

“Scott’s pal was an usher but made a speech and it was filled with swear words. He called Scott a TV w****r and went on about their past.

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Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Hello! | Comments (2)

Shane Richie Shows Us His Lolita Blue Range Of Mucus

SHANE Richie is cradling his newborn daughter Lolita Belle.

She goes with his son who goes by the name Mackenzie Blue.

Why Shane Richie names his children after ranges Laura Ashley pelmet fabrics we never discover in the course of his interview in Hello!. But there is more to learn.

And matters quickly run to the issue of sex.

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Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Hello! | Comments (5)

At Home With The Jolie-Pitts And Hello!

EAT your heart out Mary and go fish Katie Holmes – when Angelina gives birth, she gives birth to not one but two Messiahs. Says Angelina: “I was at peace.”

Says Brad: “I find the process absolutely heroic.”

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Posted: 5th, August 2008 | In: Celebrities, Hello! | Comments (9)

Hello! Outbids Paedo Today For Pictures Of Knox Leon And Vivienne Marcheline

NEWS is that “Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have sold pictures of their newborn twins for a record £7.5million”.
Reports the Mirror:

Hello! magazine secured the deal after a bidding frenzy with rival OK! to show photographs of Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, three weeks old tomorrow.

Other magazines believed to have been in for the snaps, were Paedos Today, IVF Monthly and Voyeur Weekly.

A cheque from Russian website for the sum of £4.3billion is believed to have bounced…

Picture: 14

Posted: 3rd, August 2008 | In: Celebrities, Hello!, Money, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Madonna And Gwyneth Paltrow Are Pramfaced

“ALWAYS THERE FOR EACH OTHER,” says Hello!. “Madonna and Gwyneth share a stroller as they power pram in the park.”

There’s * Madonna, her legs dangling from the pram, and there’s Gwyneth tucked in beside her, champing on a rusk and demanding they be pushed “Faster! Faster! Faster!”.

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Posted: 29th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Hello! | Comment

Lady Rose Windsor Marries Kate Middleton

IT’S been a while since we last saw Lady Rose Windsor, and those of you who enjoyed her in episodes 2 and 5 of Upstairs Broadstairs, the aristo soap set in a 1950s resort, will be concerned for her wellbeing.

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Posted: 29th, July 2008 | In: Hello!, Royal Family | Comments (4)