Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Page 3 Girls: Victoria Beckham’s Nazi Business
NIKKALA is less stunning than stunned on the Sun’s Page 3.
“I wouldn’t be seen dead wearing that in public!,” says she.
Nikkala has seen the latest outfit worn by Victoria Beckham. It is termed “Nazi-style”.
Nikkala’s pal Nicola T says: “She must have learnt a new dance – the souse-step.”
As for Nicola T’s outfit (knickers with a snowflake motif) and Nikkaal’s look (black and white square panties that double as a draughts board) more later…
Posted: 26th, September 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Big Brother’s Chanelle Hayes Stalks The Stalk On MySpace
BIG Brother’s Chanelle Hayes is fearful, as the Star reports in “MY CYBER STALKER TERROR”.
But Chanelle will not be cowed by one lone manic who not only logs onto her MySpace page but posts messages up to ten times a day.
Here she is in the national press, wearing a shiny top of a material usually reserved for bed covers in seaside boarding houses. One hand is on her hip. Her chest is pushed out further. She is defiant.
But she has hired a minder, in case the stalker takes things a step further and posts 11 or even 12 messages on her weblog.
And it might get worse. As a source says: “Even in Los Angeles, Chanelle had several blokes who started following her every move.”
Thankfully, these men did her no harm, and most have been traced to the photographic department of the Star newspaper.
But you can never be too careful…
Posted: 25th, September 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Page 3 Girls Fight For EU Referendum On The Beaches
PAGE 3 returns to the Sun today. Yesterday, the girls were in Bournemouth, taking in Gordon Brown’s great British wind and greater British drizzle.
Dressed in red Sun shorts and tops that bear the logo “I WENT TO BOMO AND ALL I GOT WAS HYPOTHERMIA”, the patriots flank Winston Churchill. At least it looks like the old boy, who is holding up two fingers to one and all and making ready to fight them on the beaches in a five-a-side kick-about against a team of Polish builders.
The Sun’s Nikkala uses a couple of flags bearing the legend “EUROPE. NEVER HAVE SO FEW DECIDED SO MUCH FOR SO MANY” to hide her support (this is the Sun’s campaign for an EU referendum).
And Rhian stands in a patch of sunlight on a patch of grass and tells us how “disgusted” she is that Gordon Brown has not offered Britain a referendum on the EU.
Says she: “The whole country wants a chance to have their say. Spending just a few seconds in his speech on such a burning issue as Europe is taking us for ride.”
And here comes the Sun’s open-top battle bus.
Not since Cliff Richard rang the bell and Old Mr Anorak’s Thai ping-pong team toured Faliraki has a British bus led such an assault on Europe.
And not since the summer has it rained quite so hard…
Posted: 25th, September 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Sienna Miller Is No Great Catch
SIENNA Miller, professional girlfriend, is in the Express. She is wearing a “mint-green tea-dress and a black straw hat”.
This is “Sienna’s wedding day bliss”.
Married? No. Not yet. Although the Express notes that Sienna and her current project, actor Rhys Ifans, “could not have stood closer as the bride tossed the bouquet”.
Closer to one another or closer to the bride? The Express is unspecific.
No small chance, then, that Sienna was caught wrong footed, looking up as her future happiness arced over her head as the bride tossed with all the guile of Andre Agassi in his pomp.
Disappointment set aside, the Express notes how Sienna and her actor did manage to catch a cab and take a ride to the wedding reception in a north London pub.
Ms Miller is blonde…
Posted: 24th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
EU Referendum: Sun Gives Two Fingers To Gordon Brown And Faceless Bureaucrats
NO Page 3 in the Sun today. The sombre news is that The EU Referendum is upon us, or at least it would be if Gordon Brown stuck to his promise.
Readers see a front cover of Brown sticking two fingers up to one and all. He is the antithesis of Winston Churchill.
Of course, given the level of apathy at election time, the feeling is that any referendum would be won and lost by the movements of party activists and those few librarians and Page 3 Girls who have read the EU Constitution and understood it.
The Sun says this constitution is “The greatest threat to our nation since World War 2”. For those readers who missed it the first time, Gordon Brown once again gives you a two-fingered salute, the sign English bowman once gave the French.
But Broon is a Scot and welcomes a “European Army”, “the EU Human Rights Charter”, “an EU foreign minister”, “less control over immigration and asylum”, an EU diplomatic service”, “an EU presidency” and “EU in charge of health and education”.
“Wake up Britain!” orders the Sun. It’s the call to arms. It’s the Reveillez. Alles Britishers raus!
Stop looking for the Taliban in the precinct, divert your gaze from binge drinking and drugs and see the real menace. And join the Sun’s cause.
“We don’t want a ..UNITED STATES OF EUROPE,” says the paper, not bothering with its own referendum before it speaks on behalf of the nation.
We don’t want to be the US? The United States, the richest country on Earth, the land of the free, home of the brave, where you can get burgers the size of your head and a car visible from space?
We don’t want that?
No, we do not. We want freedom. We do not want to be run by a bunch of self-serving, faceless, anodyne company men and women in suits.
We want to be run by Secretary of State for International Development, the Rt Hon Douglas Alexander MP, Leader of the House of Lords (and Lord President of the Council), the Rt Hon the Baroness Ashton of Upholland, Minister for Africa, Asia and UN
Sir Mark Malloch Brown and many, many more…
Pic: Hack
Posted: 24th, September 2007 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Rear Of The Year: Sian Lloyd’s Gets Cheeky
KNICKERS off to Sian Lloyd for eschewing labels in favour of jeans made by “beating bowel cancer”.
Although ITV weather girl Ms Lloyd may be accused of using her position to advertise product.
(When does a weather girl become a weather woman and what of weather persons?)But we can find it within ourselves to look past the label toward the greater Ms Lloyd and focus on her backside, which is the best in the business. And that’s official.
“Not even I could forecast the sizzling high pressure that brought me this hot award,” says Mss Lloyd, proud holder of Rear Of The Year title.
As history tells us, Liberal Democrat MP Lembit Opik would once have delighted in such news. But he left 49-year-old Lloyd for 24-year-old Cheeky Girl Gabriela, one half of The Cheeky Girls.
No small irony here in that the Romanian two piece rose to prominence inviting Western European men to Touch My Bum.
Europhile Mr Opik accepted. And must now live with his choice…
Posted: 20th, September 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (10)
Daily Express Exclusive: Jose Mourinho Remains Chelsea Manager
JOSE Mourinho. He came. He bored. He wore a Matalan coat. He left by text message. The Chelsea manager is no more.
“Mourinho says farewell to Chelsea, with recriminations,” says the Guardian’s front page.
“Exit Mourinho,” says the Indy on its cover.
“JHOSE: I QUIT,” announces the Mirror’s front page. “JOSE: I QUIT,” announces the Mirror’s back page.
“Goodbye Mourinho,” says the Times on its cover. “Mourinho walks out on Chelsea and Abramovich,” says the Telegraph on Page 1.
The Sun leads with the news “JOSE ‘OUT’.” And: “He texts goodbye to players.”
And the Express? To its readers Jose Mourinho remains manager of Chelsea.
The paper reports that Jose has been given permission to bring out his own brand of toilet paper.
“Chelsea manager” Mourinho has successfully applied to trademark his name for a wide range of goods.
The Express looks at the Morinho bottle, flags and teddy bear. Others look at the Mourinho sack, boot and pillow…
Posted: 20th, September 2007 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
Crime: The Rogarians Aren’t Feeling At Home Among The Hoodies
“ROMANIANS carry out 1,000 crimes here in six months,” says the Mail. (Pic: Beau Bo D’Or)
Instantly, you wonder what could have gone wrong?
The first shock is that this story has not been picked up by the Express, which operates a Romania-Bulgaria monitoring service on behalf of its readers.
The second shock is to realise that these Rogarians, as they must be termed, might not be trying.
Since January 1 this year, when Romanians were allowed free access to other EU member states, they have enacted 1,080 offences.
Anorak dug deeper and noticed that in the London ward of Westminster in July 2007, there were 5,694 criminal offences reported.
It is clear, dear reader that the Rogarians have yet to settle in and are intimated by our own native criminal fraternity.
But things can change. Rogarians can assimilate.
The Mail has seen a leaked Home Office memo which says an estimated 45,000 “potential criminals” from Rogaria would travel to Britain.
And travel home again in your car…
Posted: 19th, September 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)
The Troubled With Britney Spears And Tony Barretto
THE 9th rule of tabloid journalism dictates that “Britney Spears” should be forwarded by the term “troubled”.
And so it is that in the Sun, Britney is “troubled” to find that her ex-bodyguard has turned against her.
The muscle is Tony Barretto. And his lawyer, Gloria Allred, tells us that her client is “prepared to testify on issues of nudity by Ms Spears, drug use and safety issues involving the children post rehab”.
The children, one Sean Preston and another Jayden James, have not been to rehab. Childhood rehab is not yet en vogue in the Hollywood Hills, although there are rumours of Rehab 101 modules being introduced at some of the starrier schools as part of life preparation class.
The rehab is Britney’s. And the development, we learn, may influence any verdict in the children’s custody as she seeks permanent settlement away from husband K-Ferret.
The Star picks up the story and turns it into a tale of a LESBIAN ROMP”.
A source tells us: “She’s clearly happier in the company of women…She needs to realise it won’t look good in court to be shown to be hanging out in lesbian nightclubs.”
Why this should be we are not told. But we do read that Britney is no longer in the company of one girl, namely her lawyer Ms Laura Wasser who has stepped down as her brief.
But as the Mirror reports on its front page (“Brit bodyguard spills the bean”) and again inside the paper (“THE NUDITY, THE DRUGS..AND THE KIDS AT RISK”), the story is Barretto’s.
Descried by Allred as “a key and secret witness” – Mr Barretto is 25stone and appears less stealth like than a tower block – feels compelled to speak out.
Ms Allred says Barretto has been stung into action because “He is a father of young children himself”.
Ms Spears remains troubled…
Posted: 18th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Ross Kemp’s Gangs: Cavernous Underpants And A Nine
ROSS Kemp is still hard. Kemp, the estranged Mr Rebekah Wade, Sun editor, is the presenter of Sky TV’s Gangs.
And today Kemp’s been given two pages to say in his own words just how hard these gangs are.
“The Mask Man reached into his underpants and pulled out a Colt .45,” leers the headline.
That’s some weapon. Kemp is impressed. Hard not to be.
In his search for hard men, Ross has met rapists, murderers and assassins. He has found himself sharing a beer with a multiple murderer.
“In St. Louis, US, I met this very big, scary guy wearing a frightening plastic mask.”
Who is the masked man? And is he hard?
“Dark, angry eyes gleamed through elongated slits that curled up and back into a teardrop shape,” says Kemp. “He looked both sinister and surreal, a figure from a horror movie involving chainsaws.”
He has a chainsaw down his pants, as well. Now that is hard. It might even be stupid.
Kemp calls this masked man Mask Man. The man in the mask reaches into “cavernous underpants” and pulls out “my nine”.
Ross is impressed. He has seen all manner of hard men. But this is something else. Mask Man works the slide and chamber and “cocked” the hammer.
“Mask Man reached down into the vast and roomy reaches of his underpants yet again and this time drew out a round block of brown heroin about the size of a pub ashtray.”
Ross considers the lump. “I’m no expert,” he says, “but I suspect this was a real bargain.”
“Your nine’s your best friend, man,” says the Mask Man’s sidekick, known as Scarf Man, for reasons that need little explanation.
He says he has “bigger toys”.
Ross Kemp is hard.
Posted: 18th, September 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (8)
Rupert Murdoch’s Gangs: Ross Kemp And Rebekah Wade
ROSS Kemp is a hard man who likes to hang out with other hard men. These are hard men. They may ever get harder when they have met with Kemp.
“Ross Kemp operates at 100% efficiency,” says one Ross Kemp website. “Ross Kemp believes all forms of transportation should have tank tracks in order to be effective.” And “Ross Kemp is unable to remember or pronounce the word ‘fear’.”
It may be the truth. It may not be. It’s hard to know where truth and fiction diverge in Ross Kemp’s life. Hard. Like Ross.
Ross is married to Rebekah Wade, the Sun’s editor. And in keeping with the masses, Ross is known to appear in the paper.
Today, Ross is in a piece entitled: “A kid stuck and AK47 in my face while high on drugs.”
This is truth. This is the hard truth. The Sun’s Oliver Harvey says the gun was so close to Kemp’s snout he could “smell the metal”.
Before Kemp is a bevy of Brazilian gangsters. They are high on cocaine. “Scared?” says Kemp.” Of course I was.”
Scared what you’d do to them, eh Ross, who met the gang not in a parking lot in Elstree but in Rio de Janeiro. Brazil.
This is all part of Kemp’s Gangs TV series. You can see it on Sky One, the channel owned by Rupert Murdoch, who owns the Sun, who employs Rebekah Wade, who is married to Kemp. Such is the way of the news.
Gangs is the show in which Kemp goes around the world looking for trouble.
Says Kemp: “I’ve had more experience in the past four years meeting these gang members than I did in ten years filming EastEnders. One’s a fake world and one’s real.”
And sometimes it can be hard to spot the difference. Really hard.
Posted: 17th, September 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (6)
Northern Rock And Halifax Customers Are Victims Of Globalisation
WE need to return to pre-globalisation days when a man’s building society was in his locale, and strictly for locals.
The site of Northern Rock customers queuing for the money in Swindon serves as a warning to one and all.
But for some is comes too late. Take the case of Graham O’Brien, profiled in the Sun.
Mr O’Brien, 29, is a customer at the Halifax. Mr O’Brien chooses to live not in West Yorkshire but in Collyhurst, Greater Manchester.
He calls his bank to check on his account. “I answered all the security questions every time I phoned and they still wouldn’t accept I was Graham O’Brien,” says Graham O’Brien.
He has been marked down by the system as a “suspect”. The trouble is not the details provided but in the pitch of Mr O’Brien’s voice. In short, his voice is too high and he sounds like a woman.
“It has been unbelievable,” says he. “I feel I have been humiliated.”
A Halifax spokesman apologises, offering Mr O’Brien an equivocal “Were’s thus muck thus brass.” And a cautionary: “If thar ever offered owt, tek it tha might not want it na but tha cud need it later.”
Mr O’Brien remains with the Halifax. But given the reed-like properties of his voice we urge him to consider switching his account to the Chorley Building Society and so keeping things simple…
Posted: 17th, September 2007 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Madeleine McCann: No Tears In The Faction So Far
NOT easy to get a pun in on Madeleine McCann. The papers need to look sensitive and so stick with straight-talking speculation. No puns. No confusion. Just factual opinion.
What we at Anorak call Faction.
And today the Sun’s Oliver Harvey – chief feature writer – produces “I’m thinking the unthinkable”.
“My misgivings began with the lack of emotion shown by the McCanns in those first few days after Madeleine went missing.
“No streaming tears, no trembling lips, no sobs of despair.
“Now that unease has become an awful gnawing doubt.”
Wot No Tears?
Harvey wants tears. Lindy Chamberlain (see Guardian’s dingo headline here) never gave the press much emotion.
Neither did Joanne Lees, whose lover, Peter Falconio, was killed in Australia. Bradley Murdoch was convicted of murder. Lees was wholly innocent. But Lees never cried. She never gave the media what they wanted.
Of course, the Mirror sees tears. It sees all. It sees Kate McCann back home, crying in Madeleine’s room. And the Express saw Kate’s tears on the flight home.
But Harvey sees only dry eyes. And in a woman who has lost a child he finds that odd.
Says Harvey: “It hurts me to say this, but I now fear something is amiss with Kate and Gerry’s story.”
But he says it. Bravely. He may have tears in his eyes as he does so.
Just like the Mail’s Amanda Platell might have wept a little (we did) as she wrote of Mrs McCann: “I haven’t seen such creepy control in a woman since Lindy Chamberlain cried ‘My God, the dingo’s got my baby’.”
Ms Platell might note that Chamberlain had her conviction for the murder of her child, Azaria, quashed. The dingo did it. Anything’s possible.
The Possibilities
Says Harvey: “So is it possible the McCanns could bury their own daughter in secret and concoct a huge fiction to fool the world?”
Possible? Of course. Most things are. Remember the dingo?
Harvey goes on: “And for every theory there is a counter-theory. But I have other nagging doubts.”
And because Harvey is a feature writer at the Sun he gets to share his nagging doubts with the world.
He notes: “And what about the lack of tears from the couple?
“The couple had been told by experts not to show emotion in case the person believed to have abducted their daughter was watching and getting a thrill from their behaviour.”
Hmm…
And what about him? Harvey says: “Gerry’s matter-of-fact blog — sometimes describing the weather and runs on the beach — also seemed odd.”
Odd indeed. It may even be odder than the Sun’s anti-peado Find Maddie campaign which saw its sister paper the News of the World stick a giant inflatable wanted poster of the child on a Portugal beach. Odder than the Sun’s drive for yellow ribbon and stories talking of paedos and kidnap.
But what does it mean?
Harvey considers: “The McCanns may be blameless, heartbroken parents.
But my doubts — thinking the unthinkable — persist.
I really hope I’m wrong. For the sake of my faith in human nature, I really hope I’m wrong.”
Fingers crossed…
Posted: 15th, September 2007 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (648)
All The Nice Gels Want To Be Camilla
IS there a change of policy at the Express? We ask in light of the sensation that the paper’s story on Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, includes not one mention of Princess Diana.
There is no mention of Camilla’s battered white Fiat Uno, her tampon with nightsight nor her sharpened, poison-tipped fags.
The Express just watches Camilla go back to her alma mater, Queen’s Gate School in South Kensington. And sees her “hailed a heroine”.
Camilla is said to have spent her school days – she scored one O-Level – on the roof smoking illicit cigarettes.
Says Camilla to the gels: “I used to go back home for weekends. Sometimes I used to not go back on Sunday night and miss the Monday.”
Camilla goes to the science lab and notes that “They’ve got bars on the windows so you can’t get out.”
Camilla is wearing a “Robinson Valentine cornflower blue raw silk suit”.
Camilla is cheered. Camilla is what schoolgirls with any ounce of cool want to be – not quite as dense as Shy Di and able to blow smoke rings…
Posted: 14th, September 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment
Food Additives: Omega-3 Is The Answer To Childhood Mania
ACCORDING to the Mail, children given a daily dose of fish oils perform better in exams.
Of course, fish oils alone will not make Armani a bright spark. If fish were all, penguins, and not lizards, would rule the world.
The paper looks on as children are given good supplements of Omega-3. Oh, brave new world as Harry pops the pill and thus secures himself a full and meaningful life.
If he should become anxious about popping pills, the Mail says that Harry should take a spoonful of honey. It might stave off feelings of anxiety, nipping his growing neurosis and food issues in the bud before they can mutate into full on mania.
Of course, Harry should take care to know that not all pills are good pills. Pills with the letter “e” on them may induce feelings euphoria but they will not last.
So too brightly coloured pills, otherwise known as Smarties. Although, as the Mail reports elsewhere, M&MS, Skittles and Maynards wine gums war soon to be additive free.
Cadburys Trebor Bassett and Mars have vowed to reduce the number of additives in their confectionary. This, says the Mail, is a victory for the, er, Mail and its campaign to have additives banded Class A drugs.
But the work is not over. The paper says Matlow, makers of Love Hearts, Refreshers and Drumstick lollies, do not plan to make any voluntary changes.
Company director Andrew Matlow says all the information he has indicates that his blend of E numbers and sweeteners is “safe”.
And that the latest research may be taken with pinch of E13, E210 and salt…
Posted: 13th, September 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
The Sun Always Shines On Victoria Beckham:
VICTORIA Beckham is wearing a red dress.
It must be a Thursday. And it must be the Sun, which operates as Her Poshness’s diarist.
In times to come, Posh will be able to flick through past copies of the Sun and know what she was doing on any given day.
And on Thursday September 13 2007 she was wearing a red dress. At least she was the night before (Wednesday September 12) when she arrived for a meal at New York’s Cipriani restaurant.
(Note: the Mirror disputes the claim by saying the dress is orange. But the sun knows.)
Between bites of food, Posh tells the paper: “I got in very late last night but the first thing I did in the morning was ring home and check in on my family, making sure everyone has their homework done and everyone’s gone to school.”
And the kids and Day-vid can see what mummy’s been up to by reading the Sun…
Posted: 13th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)
Madonna’s Purple Pentrator Sex Toy On Show
INTERESTING indeed that Madonna should choose to place her Purple Penetrator martial aide in a clear plastic bag.
A private consultation with our dear friend Ann Summers reveals more about the Purple Penetrator (ask for it by name).
Ms Summers advises that the phallus has an “adjustable waist and back strap to fit all sizes”. Features include a “vibrating bullet”, “multispeed battery box” and “clip”.
(If only our forces in Iraq were to well equipped.)
This is “MADGE’S TOY JOY.” And it is one she seems keen for each of us to experience.
And not least to all husband Guy Ritchie, whose 39th birthday she has been celebrating in Claridge’s hotel.
A “hotel guest” tells the paper: “Maybe she just wanted to ram home the point that she is the boss in their relationship.”
Batteries not included.
Posted: 12th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Metric Martyr Does Not Die In Vain: EU Surrenders
STEVE Thoburn, aka the Metric Martyr, is not 182.88 centimetres under ground. And nor will he ever be.
Steve will be six feet under. And he will remain six feet under for as along as Britain rules the waves and has a glorious Empire (wipes tear from eye).
As the Express trumpets, “EU surrenders in triumph for Metric Martyrs.”
Half a yard, half a yard, onward, dear friends, as Brussels capitulates under the weight of British protest.
EU Industry Commissioner Günter Verheugen says: “Things such as pints and miles and feet and inches are what make us love Britain.”
Our German leader goes on: “We don’t want to get rid of them. The idea that you could not go for a pint in a pub in Britain is not acceptable.”
The Express is overjoyed that the EU Commissioner seems to view the UK as a theme park where real EU money is exchanged for token (pounds), and you get to drive on other side of the road and inch along it.
Verheugen says it is “entirely up to the British Government whether to keep pints and feet and inches and the whole mile system.”
He goes further and says the need for Britishers to show their goods in metric units never came from headquarters.
So it was not the EU that prosecuted the aforesaid Mr Thoburn but our bureaucracy. As the paper notes, greengrocer Thoburn was convicted of breaching the Weights and Measures Act of 1985 by using scales that could not weigh in metric units.
Neil Herron, leader of the Metric Martyrs, wants a royal pardon for his forbearer.
Yes, Herr Verheugen, we still have a Royal Family too…
100 Ways To Save Money: Use Your noodle On Cheap Calls
THE Daily Mirror has one of those articles that try to make you save your cash by making money FUN. Are you having fun yet? Let’s see…
In 100 Wacky Ways To Save Your Cash, the paper tells its readers how to save money.
One way – and one that is inexcusably overlooked – is not to spend 40p a day on the dire Mirror and read Kerching for free instead. Or Anorak.
So to the list. And the top way of saving money is…
No, it’s not to make full use of your ISA tax allowance or open a pension fund. Nor is it to use your noodle for cheap calls.
The top way the Mirror thinks you can save money is by “keeping tights in the freezer overnight before you wear them can make them last longer”.
This is followed by the sage advice to wear a pair of cotton gloves to pull on your tights and so prevent snagging. Crucially, the Mirror overlooks how much the gloves cost or any tips on how much you should spend on them. I suggest going to the petrol station – on your hands – and taking the plastic gloves they give away for free. You should then drop your tights in the garage’s deepfreeze, atop the lollies, and wait for a good hour.
The Mirror’s next tip is to put olive oil in a pepper shaker. This ensures less oil is dispensed with each shake. This also ensures that you have to shake the vessel more times than normal to get what you want and thus burn more energy and so have to eat more food. And good food does not come cheap. You may also find cause to toss the pepper shaker against a wall, which will only cost you more cash in the long term.
But now you have the gist of things. And realise that the Mirror knows less about saving money than Imelda Marcos.
The trick with saving money is to ensure that you – and study this well – do NOT spend more than your earn make full use of your tax breaks.
Who knew?
Well, not the Mirror which advices readers to cut Brillo pads in half, use bottles for rolling pins (but not empty champagne bottles, mind) and turn leftover salad into a soup. An utterly disgusting and inedible soup.
More tips to follow…
Posted: 11th, September 2007 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comment
A Life In The Honeymoon Suite: 22 Years In A Travelodge
THE Express does not comment on David and Jean Davison’s sex life. It does not pry.
All we know if that David and Jean live in a Travelodge and though they seem to be aged 79 and 70, respectively, they could be many years older.
Given the motel chain’s reputation as a den of lunchtime inseminations, it might be that the story is less that David and Jean have been living in a Travelodge for 22 years than that their better halves have been waiting over two decades for the lovers to return from posting a letter.
But the story, as told by the Express, is that David and Jean reside at a motel in Grantham.
“We get great rates because we book well in advance and all our bed linen is laundered too,” says David, pictured holding a cup of tea and enjoying views of the A1. “It doesn’t get much better than that, does it?”
This is a rhetorical question because David swiftly delivers his coup de grace.
“We only have to walk across the car park for meals as there is a Little Chef here too.”
And so the argument is with David. It does not get much better than this, although David and his lover did relocate to their current home from a Travelodge in Newark.
A spokesman for Travelodge is not unresponsive to his patron’s loyalty.
Says Paul Anstey: “To recognise their loyalty, we are going to rename their room from Number One to the Davidson’s Suite and mount a plaque in reception celebrating their 10th anniversary.”
Great days, and no little sense of achievement. Can the same be said of Clive in sales or his new associate Ms Smith..?
Posted: 11th, September 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (6)
The Rogarians Are Coming: Gypsy King Florin Cioaba’s State Visit
THE Rogarians are coming.
As the Express reports thousands of Romanians and Bulgarians are massed at the border ready to invade.
Garlic alone will not keep them away, much less the Express’s decision to give away camper vans in its competitions.
The paper’s campaign to talk the UK down, talk crime up is not working. As the paper says: “Thousands of us will be hading to Britain says gypsy king.”
The regent is Florin Cioaba and while his visit to the UK will be seen as a state occasion by some, the Express is wary.
Cioaba is addressing a 3,000-strong crowd of his countrymen at a festival in Romania.
Wearing a crown and holding a sceptre, he tells us: “Thousands of Roma will leave for western Europe looking for jobs and a better life.
“The next two years will be critical for Europe because it will need to absorb the high number of immigrants coming from Romania and Bulgaria.”
The Rogarians are coming. As Cioaba says: “Everybody hates the gypsies, even though not all of us are criminals and thieves.”
The Express will judge the validity of that claim for itself. But by then it might be too late.
Sir Andrew Green of MigrationWatch UK is unimpressed. Says he: “It is unacceptable that thousands of gypsies should come here to live off the welfare state.”
And we see common ground between them and us. They want to work, as King Florin says. Sir Andrew agrees.
Says former Home Office Minister Ann Widdecombe: “We already have a problem with the thousands of lawful immigrants from Eastern Europe who are putting a strain on our infrastructure.” To say nothing of tending our gardens, looking after our children as au pairs and putting up the shelves in our converted garage.
But do we want the UK to change? Do we want the UK to run into France? As the paper notes: “In France colourfully dressed young women beg for money in almost every town square.”
Althogh some of them may be French…
Posted: 11th, September 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (9)
Es Are Bad: Daily Mail Campaigns Against Food Additives
A CAMPAIGN in the campaigning Daily Mail.
“NOW BAN THE FOOD ADDITIVES,” thunders the paper’s placard.
Readers may like to take up their sewing scissors and trim around the letters. They should then embroider the message on a cushion cover, pelmet or tea-towel and join the chorus.
The Mail says demand for an “outright ban” on potentially harmful food additives “were growing last night”. Indeed, the Mail’s offices and night desk was abuzz with little else.
Only, the campaign may not be enough. It turns out that we need the European Union to facilitate a ban.
Gordon Brown wants to spare the little ‘uns from a life-time of Es but the decision rests with the shadowy European Food Safety Authority.
Gordon cannot take on the might of Brussels alone. He needs the Mail. “This newspaper is now launching a campaign to have the chemicals banned completely in Britain,” we learn.
Some additives have been linked to hyperactivity in children. Parents of hyperactive children may care to read the ingredients and not buy stuff containing E999.
But Gordon Brown wants a top down approach to the issue. He wants Britain’s own Food Standards Agency to act. As a source tells the Mail: “He [Brown] believes parents are entitled to expect that the food they buy their kids is safe and that’s the job of the FSA.”
It might also be the job of parents to read the labels, as we have noted.
But the Mail says this is not possible. It asks via a “COMMENT”: “How are parents supposed to check on what their children eat and drink at school when so many foods are awash with additives?” Er… Answer: “It is impossible.”
Perhaps we could stop sending them to school, or stop feeding them school dinners, Jamie Oliver’s or otherwise, and allow the kids to bring to school untainted food, like chips.
“One mother” tells the Mail: “We ban smoking yet allow our children to be poisoned.”
These additives must be banned. The alternative to banning these additives is too dreadful, a collective punishment of loud, animated and impulsive children.
Of course, if fed only on E110 (Sunset yellow) and E129 (Allura Red) the nippers could solve Britain’s energy crisis as they glow in the dark and are hooked up to dynamos.
But that is for another campaign…
Posted: 7th, September 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)
Mock Crocs: Police Stop Man Behaving Sadly
MORE Crocs horror stories as the Sun brings news that the killer footwear can attract police attention.
Having earlier brought you news that crocs can off hospital patients in their beds – rubber on lino produces a static shock that can put paid to respirators and rented TV sets – the spotlight falls on the rubber shoes role in crime.
The fashion police can rest easy. This is no job for the boys in this year’s black, rather the boys in timeless and classic midnight blue.
The Sun looks on as Martin Clunes, star of TV’s Men Behaving Badly, is walking along a road in London’s Soho. The road is wet. Crocs’ wearers may well nod and think they know what occurs next. They have been there.
But Clunes is wise to the perils of the Crocs on wet surfaces and treads carefully.
Says he: “I was walking down the street, slipping all over the place because it was wet and, as I was skidding down the pavement, I clocked on of the riot police.”
Clunes made it to his car. And as he went to drive home a police officer approached.
Says Clunes: “He’d seen me coming down the street, slipping everywhere, and he said, ‘Have you been drinking?’ I’d had one cocktail with a friend I’d met earlier and I said ‘um, oh, er, yes. I have.”
Was Clunes under the influence when he purchased his shoes?
No satisfactory answer. And Clunes is placed in the back of the police van and breathalysed.
The results are returned negative, leading to much head scratching by the constabulary (shod in uniform lace-up black).
And Clunes and his Crocs are free to go about in decent society…
Posted: 7th, September 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (13)
David Cameron’s Barmy Army: National Citizen Service
IF David Cameron gets in to Number 10, every 16 year old in the land will be “expected” to devote their summer holiday to “patriotic” duties. (Pic: Beau Bo D’Or)
We talk not, of course, of the lads versus the Waiters XI on a Faliraki beach, nor of the Sixth forms annual invasion of Calais and Boulogne.
Cameron, who most likely survived CCF at his public school, stripping off his civilian uniform of a straw boater and tailed suit to wear junior-sized officer fatigues, says youngsters should partake of military training.
There is a war on. And having observed the Russian Nashi scouts training for death or glory in the words and Canadian nippers at Camp Okkuta preparing for war with live grenades (watch and learn), Britain cannot rest on her laurels.
Says Cameron: “This will make people feel proud about themselves and proud about their country”. Hurrah!
“North and south, black and white, rich and poor,” says Cameron, adopting Del Boy Trotter’s common touch, “They will be putting something back into the community”.
And that community is the one close to the Three Peaks, which Dave wants youngsters to climb.
“It will be a way of learning respect for our country and each other, just like national service was.”
The Sun salutes the initiative. “It will be lampooned by Labour as a six-week hug-in for hoodies,” says the paper. “…But hang on – not all youngsters are tearaways looking for someone to mug.”
Indeed not. Some have already found someone to mug. Other are already carrying live ammo for Queen and country. Young Camerons are on a jolly night out on Boujis.
“Mr Cameron has come up with an imaginative and optimistic idea,” readers learn.
What imagination indeed to get children into uniform. And as for optimism, adults will surely be hopeful that having climbed Ben Nevis, Scafell Pike and Snowden in 24 hours, the youth will be too patronised to pull on a hood let alone beat them to a technicolour pulp.
It will be just terrific. And so much better than the Cub Scouts, Boys Brigade, Sea Cadets and all other youth militia groups currently in vogue…
Posted: 6th, September 2007 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment
Went The Day Well: Migrants See A New Way Into The UK
“MIGRANTS FIND NEW WAY INTO BRITAIN,” says the Express.
Desperation is indeed the mother of invention and we read on with interest. We have witnessed immigrants journeying across the seas on li-los, walking through the Chunnel and inviting Brits to touch their bum on Pop Idol.
What new way can be left untapped?
The Express investigates and sees “thousands of illegal immigrants”. The mob was “last night queuing to sneak into Britain”.
That’s right. The new way in is to stand in line and wait your turn.
That they should adapt so readily to British mores that have taken millennia to hone is a testament to their cunning.
Minds turn to the film Went The Day Well in which a group of British soldiers arrive in the small, fictitious English village of Bramley End. Only they are German and set about slaughtering the Home Guard and taking over the village.
And like the war back then, today’s French occupy and ambiguous position.
The Express reveals that officials in France are helping the immigrants arrive here. “French politicians are plotting to build a new Sangatte-style camp in the port of Cherbourg in north-west France,” says the Express.
In readiness, “scores of refugees” are heading for the hills overlooking the docks. “The makeshift camp makes an ideal vantage point to observe ferries that could take them across the Chanelle to start a new life in Britain.”
So the new way in is for migrants to wait in line and then hitch a ride on lorries…
It’s not exactly innovative, and we were looking for more invention involving forged documents, giant gliders with wings made from rice paper and YouTube videos of young desperadoes weaving mazy runs with footballs glued to their feet.
This the land of Berners-Lee, Whittle and Gascoigne…
