The Top Ten Coma Songs Ever

“CELLAR coma girl wakes after seven weeks after being played Robbie Williams songs,” says the Mail.

Josef Fritzl’s granddaughter and daughter Kerstin Fritzl has woken from her two-month coma after being played Robbie Williams songs, says the Mail.

There seems to be something intolerably cruel in playing Robbie Williams to a comatose patient, and we would say it were further evidence of innate Austrian barbarity and how Williams is just a shorter Richard Wagner in knickers.

Sadly, the Mail’s headline is somewhat undone by Doctor Albert Reiter, who says Kerstin opened her eyes naturally from her medically-induced coma

He tells us: “We smiled at her and she smiled back. One night I had to order her to finally go to sleep at 3am as she kept listening to Robbie Williams CDs.”

Anorak recalls another coma incident, this one starring Geri Halliwell who performed unplugged for Jessica Knight: “Geri sang a couple of lines of one of their songs and Jessica started moving her arms and legs,” said mum Jill Walmsley in the Mirror.

Legs twitching, arms flailing – a desperate bid to run away?

In light of these star-led miracles, Anorak has put together a tape of the Top Ten Celebrity Coma Tracks – EVER!

1. Let Me Entertain You – Robbie Williams
2. Candle In The Wind – Elton John
3. Carrie – Cliff Richard
4. My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion
5. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da – The Beatles
6. We Didn’t Start the Fire – Billy Joel
7. Cotton Eye Joe – Rednex
8. The Final Countdown – Europe
9. You’re the Inspiration – Chicago
10. I Wanna Know What Love Is – Foreigner

SERVING TIP:
The album should be played down headphones to the patient at full volume. Every three hours a medic – preferable one with an Austrian accent, although a Swiss or German will do – should bend down and whisper in the patient’s ear: “Want to wake up? Or do you want some more…?

Anorak

Posted: 12th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)

Justin Timberlake The Worst Celebrity Interview Ever

HERE’S A VIDEO of Justin Timeberlake plugging a new film. The journalist shows that once you move away from asking “Is this one of your best pieces of work ever?” and “How proud are you of it?” things can fall apart:

Anorak

Posted: 12th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Perez Hilton Thought For The Day

PEREZ Hilton watches celebs so you don’t have to:

Spotted: David & Victoria Beckham and their kids at Disney’s California Adventure RIGHT NOW!

More top celebrity news to follow…

Anorak

Posted: 11th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Press Release Of The Day: Robbie Williams Not At 2008 Roswell UFO Festival

IT’S the 2008 2008 Roswell UFO Festival and what better way to drum up interest than by mentioning a celebrity who isn’t going to be there?

11th June 2008 – Visitors are bound to see something unusual at the 2008 Roswell UFO Festival, though there are no guarantees it will be other-worldly. Bizarre costumes, mock spaceships and alien themed entertainment are all on the agenda, and considering his recent ventures perhaps newly outed UFO fan Robbie Williams can be counted on to make an appearance. A chorus of ‘I’m loving aliens instead’ anyone?

Yeah, perhaps. And perhaps Frank Sinatra will arrive, having been beamed down from the Planet Desperate where he’s been performing with Elvis and Ghengis Khan in a gigantic Petric dish…

Anorak

Posted: 11th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Online-PR | Comments (3)

Stephen Moyes’ Tabloid Lines Worth More Than Cocaine

MORE news of Mirror hack Stephen Moyes who was, allegedly, told by one Anthony Kelly (who has admitted to a charge of perverting the course of justice) that Amy Winehouse would stump up any cash for her husband’s plot.

Moyes has quite a record. It was Moyes who “exposed Kate Moss’s cocaine shame” (surely talc? – Ed) and soap actor Craig Charles smoking crack in the back of a taxi.

Moyes is now the man who has exposed an, alleged, plot to pay a beaten-up barman £200,000.

James King, the stricken pub worker, may yet profit from Moyes’ story. After the Moss Talc shocker, the model went on to reap an estimated seven-figure increase in earnings.
And now the Mirror reports that Craig Charles is writing a kiss ‘n’ “hell” autobiography.

(Picture: Beau Bo D’Or Website)

Without news of his drug taking what odds on anyone caring to read the story of a jobbing actor and voiceover man?

Moyes has the Midas touch, his words being worth more per line to a celebrity than cocaine…

Anorak

Posted: 11th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Amy Winehouse In White House Plot

THE full shocker goes: “Amy Winehouse’s jealous husband offered a hardmarn £20,000 to have Pete Doherty ‘smashed to pieces’.”

Getting smashed is what Doherty does best, it being the root of his tabloid fame. Chances are he would have extended a veiny limb and accepted Blake Fielder Civil’s offer with relish.

But the Sun says this smashing was to occur not with pipe and syringe, rather by way of fist and claw.

Richard Lyttle, an ex-bouncer (do you ever really leave the job?) tells one and all: “We were sitting in my cell and he said: ‘If you get Doherty for me I’ll give you £20,000.’ He kept saying ‘Can you arrange it?’ and telling me to get some guys to his house.”

No other word nor proof is offered, and whether Doherty is smashed or not, we leave for you to work out.

But back to the £20,000? If it’s the going rate for smashing someone’s face in, it might also be the rate for perverting the course of justice.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Father Of The Year Pete Andre Uses Daddy’s Sauce

PETER Andre is the “Daddy of the Year” – says Daddies Sauce. Daddies is a brown sauce, a poor man’s HP.

Andre is an orangey brown colour.

Use the sauce as you wish…

Anorak

Posted: 10th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Madeleine McCann: Angelina Jolie Feels The Pain

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann

THIS IS HULL – and Total Film Magazine:Angelina: “It’s so upsetting”

Angelina Jolie has reportedly revealed she has been deeply moved by the disappearance of Madeleine McCann.

Oh?

The Oscar-winning actress – who has four children with Brad Pitt and is due to give birth to twins – empathises with the McCann family as a parent herself.

Angelina told Total Film magazine: “It’s the worst thing in the world. I love Brad and if anything happened to him it would wreck me, but if anything happened to my kids… it’s something I can’t even think about it’s so upsetting.”

La Jolie would shoot them – she’d shoot them, all in the face.

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 10th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Madeleine McCann | Comments (140)

Charlton Heston’s Home Gun Collection

CHARLTON Heston was the president of the US National Rifle Association.

He might still be the president – can you ever leave? Although Angelina Jolie is making a play for the post.

These are pictures of Heston’s Gun Room at his 1860s Manor House.

Others among you may have more guns in your abode, people like Belfast Father Seamus O’Tooled-Up, ‘Ozzy’ at the Kabul Kebab, Peckham, and Westminster Council Traffic Wardens, but Heaston had star quality. When he shot you in the face it was a cause for celebration, and a possible auction of your remaining teeth and flesh.

More after the jump

Anorak

Posted: 10th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (31)

Eating With Girls Aloud

GIRLS Aloud are on the cover of this week’s Hello!, sporting skin tones rarely seen outside a Starbucks coffee cup.

Fans might even get alight caffeine buzz from staring too long at the image.

Looking down the menu, we find the Mocha Valencia, the orangey-chocolate shot-sized concoction called Cheryl Cole.

Cheryl, we learn, is wearing shoes to cover her self-confessed flat feet (“like flippers!”), holding a white china mug and sat before a bowl of banoffee pie. The potion is described as “big”.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Hello! | Comment

Amy Wineshouse’s Arresting Sight For Blake Fielder Dreams

THE Sun can’t let it’s failure to get Amy Winehouse convicted of snorting talcum powder out of its head.

As Blake Fielder-Civil, Amy’s husband, pleads guilty to GBH and perverting the course of justice, the Sun delivers a picture of Winehouse’s “arrest photo”.

How the paper came by this image is uncertain, but it bares all the hallmarks of the Celebrity Police Force, the special squad whose mission to pose with the great and not so good keeps us all entertained.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Watching Lily Allen And Pink

NEWS in the Mirror is that rent-a-gob Lily Allen has been “under constant surveillance” by American spooks.

The Mirror does not specify which branch of the “Yanks” security services have been observing Allen, and it might be all of them. Although given their massed ranks and the viewing figures for Allen’s BBC3 TV show this is unlikely.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Hair He Comes: How Scottish Is Donald Trump?

DONALD Trump, he of the tsunami hair, the self-styled “ultimate definition of the American success story” (source: Trump’s CV), the man who budding entrepreneurs can smell like with a spritz off his Obviously, Donald Trump: The Fragrance, is in Scotland.

Trump is in Aberdeen now to argue the case for a £1bn golf resort and housing project. But before there, he stopped off in Stornoway, birthplace of his mother Mary Anne MacLeod,

Was it a cynical stunt? The Telegraph manages to unearth a disgruntled local, one Angus Nicolson, to tell us: “He is tartan-ing up his Scottish roots to get planning approval and that does not go down well.”

What chance Nicolson is right? “Zero.” says Trump. Psk! He’s here to meet his family. The Guardian sees Cases stamped Trump: How to get rich and Never give up being carried off his jet and loaded into the boot of the island’s only Porsche Cayenne 4×4.

How to get rich is now required reading on the island, and you can hear the locals greeting each other with commands to “Be Tenacious”; “Play Golf”; “Be Optimistic, but Always Be Prepared for the Worst”.

Trump presented the TV show The Apprentice in the US, and Stornoway is now Apprentice Island, a place full of no-shit takers leaning on gates while belting out phrases like “I stomp on the face of failure”; “I’d kill any one – ANYONE – to get to the top”; and “Only losers can spell loser”.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comments (15)

Johnny Borrell Is The ‘Tour-paedo’

NEWS in the Sun is that one Johnny Borrell, lead singer of the band Razorlight, has been nicknamed ‘Torpedo’ by The Mighty Boosh comedy act.

Why?

The Sun’s Gordon Smart shoots his cuffs and tells Borrell: “The nickname actually refers to your habit of pulling young girls on your – tour-peado, geddit?”

Smart says that it was he who “clocked the 28-year-old’s fondness for the younger ones – earlier this year he was spotted getting close to Harry Potter star Emma Watson, who was just 17 at the time.”

Anorak

Posted: 10th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)

Stan Romanke’s Alien Exposed: It’s Victoria Beckham At The Window

STAN Romanek is an American who claims he’s been the target of alien abduction for years.

Anorak’s Ufologist in the US, 14, has studied the image and solved the msytery:

 Last week it was announced that a Denver man had come forward with videotaped evidence proving the existence of extraterrestrial life. The tape shows a large-headed, dark eyed creature peeping through a window. Much debate has erupted over whether the video is authentic or simply CGI trickery.

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 9th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Strange But True | Comments (6)

Naomi Campbell Operates To Have Children

OVER the celebrity newswires, Anorak learns that Naomi Campbell has “undergone surgery to enable her to have children”.

The catwalk queen, 38, is desperate to become a mother and recently had an operation to help her fulfil her dream.

Says the mo-del: “Now I can have a child I would like one. I’m even willing to have one without a father. I know that I am ready.”

One wonders how Campbell has been altered to be able to bare children, and if Thomas Beatie has been an inspiration. Might Campbell have been man all along, a sex shocker unrivalled by even Noel Edmonds’ more generous bottom and Anthea Turner’s rumoured love of intimate scratching.

Says Campbell:”I know that with a baby I would change, I’d calm down. With a child you cannot accept compromises.”

Either the nanny does as she’s told or she can face the consequences…

Anorak

Posted: 9th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (8)

Jill Dando Killed By Celebrity Obsessive

ON the BBC website and on the BBC TV news we learn that BBC television presenter Jill Dando was killed by a “loner” who had a “fixation with celebrities”.

Avoiding such crimes may explain why there are two Mirror 3am Girls and a press pack…

Anorak

Posted: 9th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

GMTV Celebrities On Tony Blair

FORMER EastEnders’ actor Joe Absolom tells Teltext that he ducked out of giving Tony Blair a piece of his mind.

The actor said  had planned to challenge the former Prime Minister when they appeared together on GMTV. Says he:

 “I planned to say to Tony, ‘Why are we in the war?’ But when I met him in the studio I just said, ‘Wotcha, Tony!'”

It’s the wotcha on terror…

Anorak

Posted: 9th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Amy Winehouse Takes Mother’s Little Helper

THE AMY Winehouse story is one told on drugs. Says Amy’s dad Mitch Winehouse in The People:

“As for the drugs, she will get bored with them because the desire for children will take over. Amy knows that if she and Blake are going to have kids then she has to be in perfect health… I honestly think that in two years she will be fit, healthy and having babies – motherhood will be her drug.”

So what will it be: the tabloids talking about Amy’zzzz drugs or Amy talking about her babiezzzzz (well, if she likes epidurals as much as she seems to like illegal drugs, we should expect lots of little Winehouses and lots of long boring conversations about them…)

Anorak

Posted: 9th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)

The Sun Never Gets Its Celebrity: Mills, Winehouse And Burrell At Large

THE SUN never gets its man. It did once get the ARA General Belgrano and 323 lives, and it did “Wot won” an election for Margret Thatcher, but these days the paper misses its target with aplomb.

Take Amy Winehouse, the chanteuse the Sun grassed up to the cops for her apparent talcum powder inhaling. Winehouse remains at liberty, but the Sun says there’s a new video of the singer “taking drugs, having public sex with Blake, 26, and making racist chants”.

But no-one’s listening, not really, and were it not for our Celebrity Police Force’s (CPF) mission to be pictured with our celebs the Sun could be charged with wasting police time.

(Picture: Beau Bo D’Or Website)

And here’s Paul Burrell, another of the Sun’s designated villains. The paper had a video of Burrell “confessing he lied to the [Diana] inquest and wanted him prosecuted for perjury confessing he lied to the inquest.” It showed the tape to the CPF.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Rupert Everett’s War

“CONTROVERSIAL” actor Rupert Everett says British working in Iraq and Afghanistan are “whining wimps”.

The Mail says the 49-year-old’s father is a “retired major and has relatives who earned Victoria Crosses”. Everett served one year in the Army Cadets while at the Ampleforth public school. Everett knows.

Says he: “The whole point of being in the Army is wanting to get killed.”

Coincidentally, Everett is fronting the Channel 4 documentary The Victorian Sex Explorer, a star vehicle based on the exploits of 19th Century soldier and adventurer Sir Richard Burton.

That show’s title suggests Everett is wrong and that as well as dying, soldiering is about sticking something pole-shaped in something foreign. Andf if you must die, let it be from an STD.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (14)

Beyond Parody: Camilla Long Invents Davinia Taylor

“KATE MOSS, SADIE, SIENNA And ME,” trails the front page of the Sunday Times.

The headline “ME” is a Sunday Times everyman, a nominal person who will place the three women in context and add historical perspective. She’s given the unlikely name Davinia Taylor, a moniker that blends the deliberately extraordinary with the plebeian

“Davinia Taylor: Secrets of the Primrose Hill set,” says the paper, in what proves to be skilful parody on modern life, and newspaper reporting.

“Davinia Taylor is at the heart of the group, which includes Sadie Frost and Kate Moss. She has never spoken, until now.”

A mute celebrity friend is surely what they all crave. No kiss and tells with a dumb person. But now Davinia is given a voice.

Davinia Taylor is in her downstairs loo. “That’s Kate and me just after we left Disneyland,” she says, pointing out photos. “And there she is in the country, washing the car with Lila. Oh, look, the Duch!” – the Duchess of York, on a night out with Princess Eugenie. Here is Davinia with her new baby, the now 11-month-old Grey, and her husband, David Gardner, the footballer turned agent and David Beckham’s best friend.

Were this not a clear parody, it would be beyond parody, and Anorak would hang up its coat and retire.

Then a snap of Jake Chapman’s daughter in a highchair, the word ‘F***’ artistically picked out in raisins in front of her. “She didn’t do that herself, obviously.”

Anorak

Posted: 8th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comments (3)

Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Paul Weller

IS the celebrity police force intersted in Paul Wellar? Says he:

“Retirement? What the fu*k? That’s when you get into heroin, when you’re 70. And Viagra. I’ll inhale the stuff. Out with a bang! I wouldn’t mind being Mick Jagger. He’s skinny, still has hair and shags loads of birds.”

John Prescott is 70…

Anorak

Posted: 6th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Sir Ian Blair Teaches Amy Winehouse To Dry Out

A LOOK up Amy Winehouse’s nose on the Evening Standard’s cover page, and the headline: “PUT COCAINE STARS ON TRAIL SAYS MET CHIEF.”

Sir Ian Blair, commissioner for London’s Celebrity Police Force, is calling for celebrities filmed taking drugs to be put on trial.

The Mirror, which broadcast pictures of Kate Moss snorting talcum/cocaine/anthrax/ground virgin’s bones, and the Sun, which campaigns to have all celebs locked away so making them easier to track and saving on expenses, should be all ears.

Says Sir Ian: “My position is that a sensible jury would not expect people to be sniffing talcum powder.”

Talc and the sniffing of may be just the trick to get rid of a runny nose, possibly brought on by cocaine abuse.

He continues: “At the moment the law says you must be in possession of a Class A or a Class B to be prosecuted. If you are seen on film then nobody can tell what the substance is.”

Anorak

Posted: 6th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Little Wedding Booster: Rolling Stones’ Dwarves Wedding

ROLLING Stone father RONNIE WOOD is hiring DWARFS to perform at his ROLLING Stone daughter Leah’s daughter’s wedding.

The Sun reports that Wood wants “five actors dressed as elves to play pranks at the reception”. That the paper chooses to announce this happening in BIG capital letters only adds to the sense of this being a meeting of high and low persons.

Wedding planners are looking for male and female “mischievous, giggling little imps” as short as 4ft. “They will leap out of bushes to surprise guests with stunts such as stealing ladies’ hats.”

A wedding source says: “The idea is to have little people in costume popping up. It’s going to be a fabulous do with no expense spared and the elves will make it even more fun.”

The elves are required to hold a little pen and put their little names to a confidentiality agreement. Although, what with them being little people and so mischievous and untrustworthy, the document may not be worth the paper it’s written.

Wood may require Ant ‘n’ Dec or find it necessary to hire taller actors and for the guest to maintain the theme by wearing stilts…

Anorak

Posted: 5th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)