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Key Posts | Anorak - Part 211

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A Prayer For Baby P’s Abusers

THE Rt Rev Nicholas Reade, Bishop of Blackburn, would like the flock to pray for the killers of Baby P.

The Sun, which owns the image rights to Baby P in his world and the hereafter, hears the Rt Rev Nicholas Reade says they should pray that sinners could be “brought face to face with the baby in the manger”.

So long as the social services are on hand to observe this meeting of child abuser and Baby JC then all should be well, although not in Haringey, which is, in any case, in the lower circles of Hell.

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Posted: 26th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (3)


Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Delivers Christmas Message On British TV

MAHMOUD Ahmadinejad, President of Iran, wants Channel 4 viewers (you know you you are) to heed his Christmas message.

Mr Ahmadinejad would also like it to be known that  he agrees with the Pope, and anyone who thinks there are any gays in Iran is welcome to check.

He invites the UN homosexual weapons inspectors in to Iran without fear.

Says Mahmoud:

In the Name of God the Compassionate, the Merciful.

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Posted: 25th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (10)


Police Climb Stilts And Clown About To Keep The Peace

ONE day on from “Long leg of the law: Police unveil stilt-walkers as latest weapon in crackdown on binge drinking” the Express tells us: “Police taught how to climb 3ft ladder”.

The earlier story detailed how police in Newcastle-under-Lyme were working with circus performers “to keep spirits up as pubs and clubs spilled out on Friday night”.

But here’s the rub: how to you spot the difference between a copper and a circus performer. Discuss.

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Posted: 23rd, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (4)


Brad and Angelina’s Children Banned From Watching Toy Ads

IN Hello!, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are delivering their Christmas message about how Joseph adopted baby Jesus and didn’t mind that the kid was of a different faith.

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Posted: 23rd, December 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)


Madeleine McCann: Sue Carroll Hymns Maddie Copperfield And Prayers For Hope

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

FERGUS Shanahan (The Sun): “McCanns must move on.”

So says the deputy editor of the Sun one day after the paper’s Morn Porn headline and story:

Maddie’s Xmas gifts are lying under the tree – THE parents of missing Madeleine McCann wrestled with their anguish to buy her gifts — on their second Christmas without her. Kate and Gerry McCann took the heart-wrenching decision as they released a fresh video appeal to find her.

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Posted: 23rd, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (47)


Michael Jackson’s Message To Adolescent Boys

“JACKO needs lung swap,” announces the Sun.

Readers may wonder what the king of pop wants to swap a lung for. Times are hard for Jackson and cash remains one option, although not paid in sterling, obviously.

Others possible swaps include:

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Posted: 22nd, December 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (13)


Good God Godo Gordo It’s Gordon Brown At Christmas

“GOOD GORD,” declares the Mirror as it interviews Gordon Brown, the non-celebrity celebrity leader, who knows people who are.

In the year Gordon Brown has made his political comeback, he has learned one big thing – to listen.

Arctic Monkeys. Ruth Lorenzo. Slipknot. You name it, Gordon has listened to it.

As he sits in the living room of his Downing Street flat he is listening to the sound of his children playing with Buzz Lightyear lasers. He listens to his two-year-old son singing Happy Birthday after a friend’s birthday party.

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Posted: 22nd, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (2)


US Forces And Allies Step Down Hard On Zaidists Weapons Of Mass Destruction

FOLLOWING the arrest of the shoe tosser of old Baghdad, the allies have been clamping down on the usual suspects – those evil doers suspected of going about with Weapons of Mass Destruction on their feet!

All suspects will be taken to a park on the outskirts of Reading and held in a large tent until further notice.

In the meantime, citizens are advised to report any bizarre behaviour, look out for anyone in size 24 shoes an above, and on no account to smell the flowers worn in buttonholes or get into these people’s cars…

Zainab’s Shoes: For All Your Iraqi Shoe Needs

Iraqi Shoe Chucker ‘Munty’ Muntadar To Play For England

Look It George Bush, He’s Got Saddam’s Head

Iraqis Shower Bush With Free Shoes

The Top Eight Show Thowing Moments

Muntader al-Zaidi And The Ten Worst Protests Ever

George Bush Hurls

Posted: 20th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comment (1)


The Thrice-Cursed Enemies Of Kim Jong-Il

FROM the desk of the Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Il, aka Kim Jong-Not-Ill-In-Any Way-But-In-Rude-Health-So-Watchout, of North Korea, and not that of Gordon Brown:

Heading: “S. Korean Puppet Plot-Breeding Group’s Anti-DPRK Sabotage Moves Disclosed”

Pyongyang, December 18 (KCNA) — The moves of the puppet plot-breeding group of south Korea to sabotage the DPRK have recently reached an extremely reckless and dangerous phase. A spokesman for the Ministry of State Security of the DPRK issued a statement Thursday in this regard.

Ahem:

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Posted: 20th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comment


Cliff Richard To Get Mobile Memorial In Wimbledon’s Centre Court

SIR Cliff Richard is not dead, but one day he might be.

Says Cliff:

“There is a family plot where my father and mother are buried but I have been assured that when I do pass on a lot of fans will want to pay homage to me and visit my grave, so that family plot might not be suitable.”

Adding:

“Perhaps I should think of a last resting place that is more accessible to people.”

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Posted: 19th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (10)


Tumour In Baby’s Brain Contained Body Parts And A Foot

DR. Paul Grabb is operating on three-day-old Sam Esquibel at Memorial Hospital for Children.

An MRI scan suggests a microscopic tumor on the newborn’s brain.

The skull if opened and Dr Grabb (indeed) pulls out a baby’s foot and assorted body parts. Says he:

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Posted: 18th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (3)


2008: Gordon Brown’s Non Celebrity Celebrity Year

GORDON Brown is not a celebrity. And that’s good.

Says Gordon Brown, serious politician:

I think we’re moving from this period when, if you like, celebrity matters, when people have become famous for being famous. I think you can see that in other countries too – people are moving away from that to what lies behind the character and the personality.”

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Posted: 17th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (3)


Cake Nazi: No Cake For You Little Adolf Hitler Campbell

HAPPY birthday, Adolf Hitler!

For he’s a jolly good…

It’s master (race) Hitler’s third birthday. A grinning blur of blond hair and blue-eyes, Hitler is celebrating his third birthday in some style.

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Posted: 17th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (5)


Fast Food Rivals React To Burger King Perfume

BURGER King has brought its scent to market, allowing fans of ready-to-wear meat-based products to smell of friend beef, onions, gherkin, cardboard, bun, a flash of toilet-door-left-open-wee and ketchup away from the shopping precinct, playground and bus.

Flame “captures the essence of that love and gives it to you. Behold the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat.”

Bitches will not be able to resist the smell of Flame, literally, sniffing at your genitalia, nibbling your body parts and taking a huge chunck of flesh from your inner thigh in an orgy only David Attenborough can imagine.

Bitches will go crazy for your whopper! Hey, if it worked for Elvis.

With Flame selling like hot beef sandwiches, other will bring their own scents to the fore, competing for market share.

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Posted: 16th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comments (2)


Man Killed By China’s Weather Machine

REST in pieces Wang Diange, formerly of Inner Mongolia, your remains found in the wreckage of a house where a wake had been taking place.

The rain was falling. The thunder was clapping. And the mourners heard a loud explosion. Half the roof was blown off.

Wang has been killed by the storm. He is sent to the crematorium.

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Posted: 16th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (3)


Iraqi Shoe Chucker ‘Munty’ Muntadar To Play For England

GOOD news that Iraqi journalist and champion shoe tosser Muntadar al-Zeidi has unearthed a British granny and can play cricket for England.

But first he must be released from where he is having the souls of his feet mercilessly tickled.

The Sun says:

“Thousands of Iraqis took to the streets…to demand the release” of the man many are calling “The New Botham”.

The Suns adds:

“They yelled in Arabic: ‘This is a farewell kiss, you dog…this is from the widows, the orphans and those who were killed in Iraq!”

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Posted: 16th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (7)


Muntader al-Zaidi And The Ten Worst Protests Ever

WHAT next for Muntader al-Zaidi, the shoe thrower of old Baghdad? A spot of badinage on his socked feet?

As al-Zaidi languishes in jail, Anorak notes how unfazed Bush was by the attack. If the protest was to make Bush look bad, the protest failed.

In the sprit of the times, Anorak brings you the Top Ten Worst Protests Ever.

Star Wars For Fanboys

Star Wars” fans attempted to hold protests in support of Kyle Newman’s unreleased “Fanboys” movie at Friday’s screenings of the Weinstein Co.’s “Superhero Movie” on both coasts, but whether any substantial protest occurred is a subject of debate.

A “Star Wars” fan group known as the 501st called for fellow fans to show up at the AMC Theatres in New York and Los Angeles. The 501st claims 14 members showed up in New York and, when confronted by two security guards, chose to go inside and pay to see “21” instead.

Iraq The Model

Iraq War protester-hippies poured red paint on the sidewalk outside of an Army recruitment office today. When a recruiter — who, along with his colleagues, was counter-protesting — noticed the spill, he asked some hippies what impact pouring red paint on the sidewalk has on the war. One hippie responded along the lines of, “It’s the blood of foreign countries that you’ve spilled.” The recruiter responded with something about bringing peace to the Middle East. This really happened. They each went their own ways after a minute or so — the hippie back to his hippie mob which was chanting “fuck the war!”; the recruiter back to his Army friends who were responding with “win the war!” (although it might have been “bring the war!” which is, well, terrible). Between these two groups was a puddle of red paint on the sidewalk, claiming naive pedestrians one-by-one.

Shrink-Wrapped Humans

IT’S World Vegetarian Week and the animal lovers at Peta are showing how much they care for all creatures by wrapping  their interns up in cellophane on a hot day to protest cruelty against animals.

When officers inquired about the well-being of intern Shawn Herbold and volunteer Thomas Olsen, a sweat-soaked Herbold replied that she was in pain and feeling nauseated from the heat after being wrapped in cellophane for 30 minutes, and also asked how much longer she needed to stay there.

They shoot horses, strangle chickens and stun gun cows; oh, and hang, draw and quarter pigs:

Byrne let her know it wouldn’t be much longer and left her under the hot afternoon sun for 30 minutes more while debating with the officers. PETA would never treat a cow that way, but I guess it’s OK for an intern.

Jon Drummon Says Not Fair

To the athletic world championships in Paris 2004.

Former American champion Jon Drummond and Jamaica’s Asafa Powell were disqualified for false starts in a heat.

An angry Drummond refused to accept the ruling, staging an impromptu sit-in. After appealing to officials, the 34-year-old American laid down in the middle of the track to multiple hoots and whistles from the Parisian crowd.

Jamaican Dwight Thomas was first called for a false start, and under the new IAAF rules, only one false start is allowed per race. After that, any athlete called for jumping the gun is disqualified. Both Drummond and Powell were caught moving too quickly in the re-start.

Race officials eventually postponed the heat before completing it later in the afternoon. Drummond remained visibly distraught as he moved onto the grass beside the track.

Three Fans React With Fury As Kevin Keegan Resigns

The Sun said the fans had gathered to protest the sacking of King Kev. How many? Six. Six fans. “ASHLEY WISE OUT,” said the legend on the piece of cardboard.

Back again live to the scene and three fans are shouting at traffic. Back again, and there are two of them…

Such was the fury…

Posted: 15th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (10)


Russell Brand Strictly Come Dancing Vote Nightmare

MORE BBC phone awfulness as Russell Brand makes a call to Strictly Come Dancing.

“Sickly Cum Revolting,” screams the Mail. “Dancing into a storm.”

“Angry Strictly Come Dancing fans have demanded their money back after the voting shambles that hit Saturday night’s show.”

Russell brand’s text vote for “pro” dancer Camilla Dallerup was counted. The Mail is outraged, so too is Blue Peter garden survivalist and potato penis polisher Esther Rantzen:

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Posted: 15th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (4)


Nickelodeon’s Big Green Global Challenge Brain Wash Game

THE Climate Kinder have a new weapon: The Big Green Help Global Challenge.

In an effort to educate and encourage action, Nickelodeon is set to release what could be the first ever online multiplayer video game that deals with environmental issues. As a component of the broader Big Green Help initiative, the game will tie together an overall theme that the company launched on Earth Day last April.

Earth Day is when you, er, turn off electrical things and sit in the dark marvelling at how terrific electrical things are.

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Posted: 14th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (3)


How To Finger A Chicken On German TV

PETA has noticed the antics of German TV farmer Hansi who has been “sexually abusing chickens”.

The 71-year-old rose to prominence on the fourth series of German TV’s Bauer sucht Frau’ (“The Farmer wants a Wife”) – soon to be renamed: the Famer Wants A Bigger Chicken.

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Posted: 14th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (3)


Pardon: Rod Blagojevich Offers Senate Seat To George Bush

A MAN throws his shoe at George Bush in Iraq.

He misses. George Bush smiles. Says George Bush:

I’m OK. It doesn’t bother me. So what if he threw a shoe at me. All I can report is it is a size 10.

You’ll miss him when he’s gone…

As one pundit puts it:

“The single best thing about the election of Obama,” he says, “may be that we now have a chance to view the terror threat without the distorting lens of Bush hatred.”

That’s Obama, whose name is being muddied by association with Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, you know the guy who offered the U.S. Senate seat to the cop who arrested him.

The American electorate is waiting for that other shoe to drop…

Posted: 14th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (4)


Peddling Grief: Baby S Comes After Baby P

THE SUNDAY Mirror delivers Sean, a “NEW BABY P”.

The grief-peddling paper goes on:

Scandal of Baby S: 18-month-old taken off at-risk register and killed by his mother

Baby S? Well, with the Baby P story running out of steam, it’s time for some more baby Porn. Some see. Pull out a hankie.

Tragic toddler Sean Denton – left by Social Services to die at the hands of his drug-abusing mother who had already served a jail sentence for manslaughter.

Terrible stuff. Shocking. But Sean Denton’s life and death is not as brutal a story as that of Baby P’s, whose mother awaits sentencing. But perhaps if the Sunday Mirror can call him Baby S it can look like a progression of the Baby P story?

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Posted: 14th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (6)


The Kim Il Jong Dog Zoo And Farm

TO North Korea where supreme leader General Secretary Kim Jong Il give  a salutatory warning that all dogs are for study purposes and not for other pursuits:

Pyongyang, December 11 (KCNA) — The number of rare animals is steadily increasing at the Central Zoo at the foot of picturesque Mt. Taesong.

General Secretary Kim Jong Il made sure that the Central Zoo was reconstructed on an expansion basis, indicated an orientation and ways of sprucing it up well under a long-term plan and sent many rare animals to it in order to provide people with better conditions for cultural and emotional life.

At least 650 animals of more than 100 species have been sent to the zoo in more than 40 installments this year to be helpful to the working people’s cultural and emotional life and the education and upbringing of youth and children.

What wonders are on show, Supreme Leader?

44 dogs of 17 species for admiration were sent to the zoo recently.

88 dogs of 24 species for admiration have been lived the zoo since January this year to please the visitors.

There are also numerous rats, mice and cockroaches…

Image: Kim Il Jong – the hair; the heels; the girls – is North Korea’s Gary Glitter. Leader!

Posted: 13th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (4)


Eoghan Quigg Has The Madeleine McCann X Factor

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

DAILY MIRROR: “NO CHEERS FOR TEARS”

It’s sardine munching Tony Parsons. He’s got mourning sickness.

If Eoghan Quigg wins The X Factor tonight, it will be because he tugged the nation’s heartstrings by sobbing like a big softy on last week’s show…Even boyband JLS would be preferable to cry-baby Quigg and his croaking, fist-punching High School Musical routines…

But cry-baby Quigg could nick it after blubbing his heart out when Diana got the boot. Personally, I thought I was going to vomit.

Sod Cowell and Tweedy’s Cry In – who’s for a game of Tabloid Bingo?

I remember when we said goodbye to another Diana, and William and Harry walked behind their mother’s coffin, their hearts breaking but their eyes dry.

Tick. Tick. Tick. (It’s a quick game.)

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Posted: 13th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (103)


The Top Ten Rod Blagojevic Fingers and Hair Pictures

ROD Blagojevich is accused of wrongdoing. Has he had his fingers in the till? Those hands and that hair – they follow you around the room…

The Top Ten Blago Hair and Hand Pics Ever. Well, call it ten. Do we understand each other?

Rod Bla -lego – vich

Posted: 12th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Photojournalism, Politicians | Comment